04x14 - Roast Chicken and a Funny Story

The thing is, Adam and I were perfect together, and I ruined it.

You know why?

Because I destroy everything I love.

I mean, look at the hopeless mess I made of my daughter.

My heart is broken.

And I... (voice breaking): I just feel like I want to die.

(loud quacking)

Time's up.

Really, Wendy? "Quack, quack"?

My niece changed it, and I don't know how to change it back.

Okay, well, I'm out of time, so thanks.

It's just... why do I sabotage all of my relationships?

Like, when I was eight and Davey Yoder told me he liked me.

So what did I do?

I bit his nose.

♪ ♪

Then when I was 19, my boyfriend took me to a KISS concert, then later, I had to explain why I had clown makeup all over my thighs.

But that was nothing compared to...

Wendy: How do I stop her?

I hate being the timer.

Oh, who am I kidding, I love it.

Jill: If I skip dinner, I can have one more lick.

If I do hot yoga, I can have two licks.

(Bonnie continues indistinctly)

Well, wheels are off now.

Time to break out the fat pants.

Christy: 77, 78, 79.

79 ceiling tiles. Plus that half.

Wonder if it goes all the way through to the other room and it's a full tile?

Got to check that out.

That was such a good Blue Bloods last night.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had joined the Navy that day.

Christy: Oh, my God.

At what point are we just being held hostage?

Anyway, I'm, I'm still not really ready to talk about this.


Thanks for letting me share.

I said thanks for letting me share.


Okay, we only have time for one more.

I-I'll go.

Hi, I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Mary.

Well, I have just had the worst week of my life...

Bonnie: I'm sorry, one last thing.

I miss the way Adam smells.

Mary: I hope this bitch gets hit by a car.

♪ ♪

The first time I had coffee with Adam was at that table right over there.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Why don't you go sit over there?

I'm sorry, I thought this was a safe place to express my emotions.

That's at the meeting. Here, we use each other's weaknesses to make ourselves feel better.

Hey Kmart Pants, pass me the salt.

They're from Target, Fake Nose.

Bonnie, you're a strong woman.

You'll get over this, and in time you'll meet someone else.

No I won't. I'm too old, I'm too selfish, I'm too tall.

Ugh, I got to pee.

That's another thing, I got to pee all the time.

I am telling you guys, I am close to snapping.

What can we do to help?

Take her out to the desert, throw a ball, when she chases it, drive away.

I could take her out to lunch somewhere this week.

Great. How about Portugal?

I can bring her to my improv class.

That's right, I'm funny.

We can go for massages, that way I still get the credit, but I don't have to be in the same room with her.

You guys are the best.

Oh, we're glad to do it.

And don't worry.

She'll snap out of this soon.

Uh, I would not be too sure about that.

You know, I feel like I've really turned a corner.

Well, good, I'm glad.

You see that dog with no back legs, rolling around on that little cart?

A week ago, he would've reminded me of Adam and I would've fallen apart.

And now?

And now...

(crying): he looks just like Adam.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bon, but can you speed up a little?

We're gonna be late for our massages.

Hang on just a minute.

What are we doing?

I just need to pull myself together.

Oh, Lord, which one is his building?

Oh, the sexy one with the wheelchair ramp.

Oh, my God.

How am I ever gonna get over this?


Bonnie, I've loved and lost, and... it taught me an important life lesson.

It's gonna take you five penises to get over this guy.

First three are sacrificial, the fourth one gets you through the holidays, and number five gets you all the way to "Adam who?"

You know what?

You're right.

You're totally right.

Stay put.

I'm gonna go touch his mailbox.

Oh, hi.

You're back early.

You're supposed to be out with my mother.

Why aren't you out with my mother?


You're horrible at improv!


Bonnie: Christy?

Ugh, Mom.

Get off the floor.

(phone ringing)

Hey, you on your way?

Marjorie: Bad news, Christy.

(quietly): No, it's your day.

You have to take her to lunch.

Victor stepped on one of the cats and twisted his ankle, so I'm gonna see if I can get the vet to treat them both.

Can't they just stay home and lick themselves till you get back?

Bonnie: Christy?

Oh, my God, she's coming.


Are you out here?

(door closes)

(over speakers): ♪ My stride, nobody gonna slow me down ♪



What have we got here?


I'm in.


I've never seen someone have so much fun at the grocery store.

Are you kidding? I love it here.

Music, free cheese and no one's talking about Adam.

Adam: Christy.

♪ But now you're feeling cocky... ♪


That's weird.


Hey. (chuckles softly)

How are you?

I'm good, I'm good. You?

Good. I just had some cheese.


♪ Ain't nothing gonna break my stride ♪

So how's your mom?

She's great.


Out there living life, being happy.

Glad to hear it.

Okay, well, nice seeing you.

Nice seeing you, too.

Adam, wait.

That's a load of crap.

The truth is she's miserable.

She misses you more than she misses cocaine.

And she once sold her hair for cocaine.

Yeah, well, it hasn't been easy for me either.

Then give it another try.

I want to, but it's just not that simple.

Oh, come on, she made one little mistake.

Little mistake? She was seeing a guy behind my back.

Texting him, lying about it, and then she kissed him.

And she's suffering for it.

Obviously you are, too.

A grown man buying SpaghettiOs...

That just screams lonely.

I like SpaghettiOs.

Plus, the beef stew's on the top shelf.

Fine. But I'll leave you with this.

There's a very tall, very sad woman who would love nothing more than to reach up and get you that beef stew, and... fill your life with sporadic moments of happiness.

But it's up to you, Adam.

It's up to you.

Oh, come on!

You messed up my dramatic walkaway.

Let's go, I don't want to be late for the meeting.

Just keep in mind there might be other people who want to share tonight.

Oh, like we don't already know what they're gonna say.

(Southern accent): Oh, no, I've got too much money to fit in my purse.

Who's that supposed to be?

That was very clearly Jill.

No, it's not.

Oh, please. Close your eyes, Jill's in the room. (knocking)

(Southern accent): My maid went back to Trinidad.

I'll have to get the door myself.



Thank you.

Hi, Christy, alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Christy.

So my mom isn't gonna be here tonight.




Sorry, I don't have any beer. I can offer you water, unless you want some expired chocolate milk that might have a little kick to it.

Water's fine.

So this is a nice surprise.

Well, I've been thinking about you, and I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd take a shot you were alone.

You are alone, right?

Yep, completely alone. (chuckles)


I'm glad we can joke about it.

We are joking about it.


(cell phone chimes)

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it's Christy.

She wants to know how it's going, with ten question marks and praying hands.

And I guarantee you the next three dings are gonna be Marjorie, Wendy, and Jill with the same question.


Are your friends bugging you?

No, my friends are guys.

So, what should I tell Christy?

Tell her we're good.

You sure?


'Cause if you want to talk about us or anything...

(laughing): I really don't want to.

I mean, it happened, it's behind us, and it's really good to be with you.

Then I'm gonna send her a happy face.

So, what do you want to do?

You hungry?

No, I ate a little while ago.

You want to go out and see a movie?

You know, we could stay here and watch TV.

There is a plan.

Here. You drive.

(TV playing indistinctly)

(cell phone chiming)

There they are.


I am sending a happy face, happy face, and just to screw with Marjorie, a bleeding dagger.


Man: So, I ran into the hallway, I banged on the door, and I tried the doorknob, and it was unlocked.

Man 2: And?

You sure we're not using the TV to avoid talking about our stuff?

I'm not.

Good. I'm not, either.


Woman: ... what I got to do because I can make...

Woman 2: Isn't it beautiful?

You seen this commercial?

... will never know there a six cups of spinach...

That juicer really can do anything.

Look at that, it makes soup.


And pizza dough.

Shut up.

So, did you do it all night? I bet you did it all night.

(in Southern accent): Well, I'd have to bet you a bucket of corn we didn't.

Who's that supposed to be?


But you and Adam are back together, right?

I don't know, it was weird. We watched TV for awhile and then when I asked him if he was spending the night, he said he had to get up early and left.

Well, did you guys at least get a chance to talk it out?

No, he didn't want to.

Well, you just have to be patient.

Oh, really? Where'd you get that from, the inside of a Snapple cap?

Sorry, and Snapple has more trivia than actual advice.

I got a quick fix. You kissed another guy, now you got to let him level the playing field.

You're not making the stupid suggestion that I let him go kiss another woman.

Well, not just any woman.

Oh, forget it.

Bonnie, you broke Adam's trust, so he needs time and you need to be patient.

You're right. You're always right.

Thanks, Marjorie.

Are you kidding me?!

I just said that.

Oh, I don't think so.

This is nice.

Yeah. It is.

More potatoes?

Still working on these.

Take your time. I don't want to rush you.

Patience is my thang.

Yeah, you mentioned that a couple of times.


Mm, funny story.

I didn't have a pan that fit the chicken, so I had to borrow one from a neighbor.

You don't say.


Just marched right up and asked for it.

And she just gave it to you.

Yeah, I mean, got to give it back in the morning, but, uh...


(door opens) Oh, hey.

Christy's home.


Hey. Don't worry, I'll disappear.

No, you won't. Get on in here.

Yeah, we got a roast chicken and a funny story.

Bonnie: Come on.

Let me fix you a plate.

You really want me to have dinner with you?

Of course we do.

How was your day?

Okay. I waited on a guy who looked like George Clooney from the back.

(both laugh)

That is so funny.

Is it?

It's more the way you said it.

Okay. You know, I kind of smell like Brussels sprouts, so I'm gonna go change my shirt.



I'll be back.


(humming quietly)

Okay, this is weird, right?

It's the pan. She's Vietnamese.

Who knows what she's made in it.

No. I-I... I was talking a-about us.

It's... should we just go and have s*x?

It's got to be better than this.

Here, I'll push so you can take off your pants.


Christy: Oh. I forgot the best part.

The guy who looked like Clooney, his name was Jorge, which is George in Spanish.


Let the record show the advice I got from this table was, and I say this with love, absolutely worthless.

That's my mother's hurtful way of saying she and Adam were incapable of talking about their feelings, so they had s*x until they fell asleep.

Hey. I tried your "being patient," and it was the most excruciating 15 minutes of my life.

I don't care how you got there, I'm just glad you're happy.

I hate when you take the high road.

I know.

Things are back to normal. He slept over and tonight we're going to the Italian restaurant where we had our first date.

Oh, that's so romantic.

So I guess that means he doesn't need to even things up and kiss someone.

What's your deal, Jill?

I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like it's my turn to talk.

(phone chimes)

Hey, honey, I'm at the bistro, but I'm not eating.

(singsongy): I'm saving room for tonight.


No. That's fine.

We can always go another time.


Have fun.

I love you.

He wants to go watch a basketball game with his buddies.

What about your romantic...

It's fine.

How can that be fine?

He's blowing you off.

You don't know that.

Yeah, we do.

It literally happened in front of us.

Okay. So what am I supposed to do?

I think you got to get him to open up.

Your daughter's right, Bonnie.

Thank you, Marjorie.

At least somebody around here appreciates...

Bonnie: Shh, shh, shh.

I'm just afraid...

... if I get him to start talking, he'll... talk himself out of wanting to be with me.

You and I didn't speak for years and it just made things worse.

It took a while, but... I'm kind of happy where we are now.

Really? 'Cause just the other day you wanted to ditch her in the desert.

Seriously, what is your deal?

Yes! Yes! And he drew the foul!

(loud cheering)

Another round of shots and I'm buying.


Hey. What are you doing here?

We need to talk.

Here? Now?

Yes, before I lose my nerve.

All right. What's going on?

Adam, things are not good with us.

What are you talking about?

Last night was great.

Last night was super weird until we had s*x, and then tonight you blew me off for this?

It's ten cent wing night.

Just admit it.

You're still angry at me.

Okay, maybe you're right.

I don't want to be, but every time I look at you, I think of you with that other guy and it hurts.

Watch the game, Red.

I said I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to do.

Me, either.

Maybe you should kiss Jill.


Sorry. Just thinking out loud.

What we had was really good.

I'm still mad at you for screwing it up.

I get it.

Thank you.

"Thank you"?

For being honest with me.

So what now?

I don't know, I...

I guess call me when you're less mad.

But until then, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

(bar patrons cheering)

Oh, that's just wrong!

So I'll see you?

I hope.

What you got today, Walter?

Tofurky. (whispers): Keep moving.

Hit me.


Got to learn to trust you.