04x15 - Night Swimmin' and an English Muffin

So anyway, I see him every day in the cafeteria, and I thought, screw it, I'm just gonna give him my number.

(sighs heavily)

He seemed like a sweet guy.

I mean, he drives a Prius with an "I'm With Her" bumper sticker.

But it's been a week, and I haven't heard from him, and I'm starting to wonder...

(grumbles)

Oh, for God's sake! What?!

Nothing. It's not important.

Then stop making that noise.

Yeah, Christy's got another guy who's never gonna call and we're trying to put a good face on it.

He might still call.

You bet he will.

(toilet flushing)

(grumbles)

Bonnie, why don't you just tell us what's buggin' you?

You really want to know?

I really want you to stop going...

(grumbles)

We come to this restaurant a minimum of three times a week... good times, bad times, economy up, economy down, and we always get a booth. And look where they put us: at a table downwind from the bathroom.

Are you kidding?

You interrupted my story 'cause we're at a table?

What story?

About the cafeteria guy Christy's got no shot with.

(grumbles)

(phone chimes)

(gasps) Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

Hostess movin' us to a booth?

Adam misses me and wants to get together.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Congratulations.

You know, I could call the cafeteria guy.

I'm proud of you, Bonnie. You set boundaries with this young man, you were patient, and look at that, he's come around.

(Clicks mouth) Now you can slowly rebuild a healthy relationship based on trust and communication, work together towards a lov...

She's gone, Marjorie.

What?

But that was some good stuff.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

I guess they're doing okay. I haven't seen them since last night.

What do you think? They've been banging each other silly.

They've only come out for food, Gatorade and nail clippers.

Think about it, Marjorie. I had to.

Bonnie: Are you kidding me?! We finally get back together and you do this?!

Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise.

Adam: It's no big deal!

She said, "We finally get back together and you do this?"

Then he said, "It's no big deal."

Bonnie: Lying next to me in bed and texting with your ex-wife is a very big deal!

She said, "Lying next to me in bed and texting with your ex-wife is a very big deal."

Bonnie: Now what are you doing?!

Adam: What do you think I'm doin'?!

I'm getting out of here!

Bonnie: That's right, run! That's your answer for everything! Run!

Adam: Do you have any idea how offensive that is to me?

(knocking on door)

(groans) Too many words to repeat. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Bonnie: ...not in the last twenty minutes.

What is wrong with your mother?!

Don't get me started.

I live right above you. I can hear everything... the s*x, the fighting.

It's like living above a New Orleans cathouse!

I'm sorry. I'll get 'em to quiet down.

And I'm sure the other neighbors can hear, too.

Man: We can!

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

If you were younger, I'd call Child Services.

Bonnie: No, please don't go! I love you.

Adam: I love you, too, but you make me crazy.

Bonnie: You want crazy? How's this for crazy?

Adam: Whoa!

At least she can't yell with her mouth full.

Here, have a strawberry. They're a natural aphrodisiac.

Really?

Nah, I'm just trying to put a good spin on it. They're about to go bad.

(both chuckle)

Morning.

Morning, honey. How'd you sleep?

In a fetal position with five pillows over my head.

Were we making too much noise?

Seriously?

Three neighbors came by to complain.

Two of 'em thought we were shooting a porno.

One of 'em thought we were slaughtering a goat.

Ooh, I know what that noise was.

Hey, now we got a name for it: "slaughtering the goat."

(laughs)

Sorry. Private joke.

No, it wasn't remotely private.

Probably wasn't even legal.

Sorry again.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you guys are back together.

Hey, we're fine as long as numbnuts here doesn't text his ex-wife again.

Oh, come on, let's not start this.

I told you, she texted me.

She needed help with the pilot light on the water heater.

Bonnie: Fine, but you still haven't said you're sorry.

Adam: Because I'm not!

Oh, numbnuts.

Bonnie: Okay, so just to be clear, I text a guy who I was just friends with and that's an unforgivable offense, but it's okay for you to text your ex-wife right after you slaughtered my goat.

I'm running away and joining the circus! Good-bye forever!

Adam: Bonnie, if you must know, I texted "I'm busy..."

What are you doing here?

I'm having my breakfast and enjoying the show.

But last night, you were all...

(shushing)

(arguing continues)

That's a lot of fiber.

You know, we hear things down here, too.

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jill.

Okay, well, I got to be honest, I made a commitment to be a foster parent, and now that it's getting closer, I'm kind of scared.

I'm just not sure I got what it takes to be a good mom.

I mean, I know how to take a little girl shopping or... how to take a little boy... shopping.

But what if I get a child that doesn't listen or misbehaves?

You know, a lot of these foster kids have some serious issues.

What if I can't discipline them?

It's not like with my housekeeper, where I can just threaten her with deportation, right?

(Jill continues talking)

Unbelievable.

You know, you really shouldn't text during the meeting.

Yeah, you really shouldn't have Ben Franklin's haircut, but here we are.

That's who it is.

He's not officially divorced.

Can you believe that? He never said a word.

Since when do you care if a guy's divorced?

Since I fell in love with this paraplegic dickweed.

Okay, you're done.

What are you doing?

You'll get it back after the meeting.

Give it to me.

Wendy, catch.

Give it.

Marjorie, here.

Jill: Hey!

You girls sit still and be quiet!

Huh, look at that.

I can be a mom.

Psst.

Psst.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(crying)

You are the least subtle person alive.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?

Just spill it.

I was downstairs with Adam and...

You're going to the bathroom while I'm pouring my heart out to you?

I don't pee through my ears.

Well, I don't think I can trust him anymore.

Why?

I just found out he's seeing his ex-wife tomorrow.

Well, at least he told you.

Oh, grow up. He didn't tell me. I broke into his phone.

How'd you do that? The FBI can't do that.

It's easy. You just have s*x with him till he falls asleep.

Then you press his thumb onto the home button of his phone.

What if he wakes up?

You stick his thumb in your mouth and start over.

(toilet flushes)

You don't wash your hands?

I didn't touch anything.

Anyway, he's seeing her tomorrow.

Why don't you ask him about it?

'Cause then he'll know I broke into his phone and won't trust me anymore.

He shouldn't.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

Maybe this relationship with Adam isn't good for you.

You guys only do two things together, and both of them disturb the neighbors.

Well, Solitary Sue, some people call that being in a relationship.

Okay, Bipolar Betty.

But you're not "some people."

You can't keep swinging from high to low without something bad happening.

I'm worried you're gonna drink.

I want you to know I hear ya.

Good.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I guess if I'm really committed to this relationship, I'm gonna have to hack into his e-mail.

Yeah. Sounds like you got this.

Thanks, baby. You always bring me back down to Earth.

Good night.

Good night.

(door closes)

(sighs)


Oh, God, that's why I woke up with my thumb in her mouth.

Here you go. Over easy, just the way you like 'em.

Thanks. You were really something last night.

Aw, I just do those things to show how much I love you.

Really? Feels like you do them just to put me to sleep.

I could have two reasons.

(chuckles)

So... (clears throat)

What you got going today?

Actually, I'm gonna see my ex-wife for lunch.

Liar!

Wait. What?

Uh, um, she's coming over with my dog, and we got some stuff to talk about.

Well, why didn't you tell me last night?

'Cause you were doing those things, and I'm not stupid.

Okay, just so we're clear.

Your ex-wife, who you're not really divorced from, is coming over to chat, and there's a dog.

Okay, first of all, we're not divorced because she hasn't gotten around to signing the papers, and I told you about my dog.

Yeah, yeah, Son of Sam.

Samson.

Close enough. And that's another thing.

If it's your dog, how come he lives with her?

Uh, because he's really old, and it's hard for me to take care of him in this thing.

That checks out.

But why the chitchat?

We have some investment property that we co-own. Might be time to sell.

Wow, you just have answers for everything.

Oh, just relax, Bonnie. After last night, I couldn't cheat on you if Angelina Jolie was buck naked and lowered onto me by ropes.

Uh-huh. So with a little rest and a pulley system, you'd take a whack at Angelina Jolie?

Yes! And so would you!

Once again, you have answers for everything!

Oh, my God, why do I love her?!

Beverly: We don't know!

So, as we speak, my boyfriend and his semi ex-wife are having a romantic lunch in his apartment.

With his very old dog.

Aw, Adam has a dog? What kind?

I think it's a "Shut the hell up, Wendy" doodle.

The point is, this broad's plotting to get him back.

Ex-wives'll do that.

They'll get their boobs redone, cook up a couple of steaks, invite the guy over for a little night swimmin'.

Or stuff of that nature.

Bonnie, if there's any hope for you and Adam, you got to learn to trust him.

Oh, I trust him. It's her I'm worried about.

See right there, that's your problem.

Tryin' to control people, places and things you can't do anything about.

What you need to do is write down a list of all your fears, and then just turn them over to your higher power, who's...

Marjorie, she's gone again.

But again, dynamite stuff.

Can I help you?

Oh. Hi.

Are you Danielle Janikowski?

I am. And you are?

Bonnie Plunkett.

Oh, great.

Well, it appears he has a type.

Oh. Or you and I do.

Okay.

So, what brings you by?

An-and just so you know, I've already pressed nine-one on my phone.

Relax. If I wanted to rough you up, I would have waited inside.

You've got great taste in furniture, by the way.

(chuckles) You broke in?

I had to tinkle.

And we need to talk.

I have nothing to say to you.

I just want to know if you're trying to get back with Adam.

That is really none of your business.

So, yes.

Okay, are we done?

Oh, we're just getting started.

Actually, I only have one more question, so, yeah, we're almost done.

Why'd you two break up?

Well, why don't you ask him?

Because I respect the boundaries of people I care about.

You just broke into my house.

Yeah, I don't care about you.

Wow.

You really love him, don't you?

Of course I do.

Why else would I risk squeezing through your doggy door with a full bladder?

It is possible that you're just insane.

It is. Keep that in mind.

So, what happened? He cheat on you?

No.

You cheat on him?

What did he tell you?

Not as much as you just did.

Okay, now are we done?

Almost.

Just to keep things on the up and up... here's a dollar. While I was waiting, I made myself an English muffin.

Oh, God help me, I like her.

Hey, where you been?

I went to see Adam's ex-wife.

I'm out.

Calm down. Nobody got hurt.

What happened?

She cheated on him. That's why they broke up.

Oh, God.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm thinking that's why he flipped out when that guy kissed me.

Makes sense.

She trying to get back together with him?

Oh, yeah. Explains why she hasn't signed the divorce papers.

But she'll watch her step.

She knows that I know where she keeps her English muffins.

I'm sorry. What?

(sighs)

(phone chimes)

Hang on.

It's Adam.

"Come outside. Bring a bowl of water."

What does that mean?

What does "English muffins" mean?

And why did you have my thumb in your mouth?

Oh.

I thought it was about time you two met.

Samson, this is the crazy woman I was telling you about.

Hello, Samson.

Here you go.

Oh.

He's so sweet.

Yeah, he sure is.

We've been buddies for about 14 years.

Wow. So he's, like, 800 in dog years?

(laughs)

Something like that.

When I ended up in this chair, he was the only one that didn't look at me differently.

Breaks my heart that I can't take care of him now.

I get it.

We were about to go on a very slow walk.

Maybe you'd like to come?

I'd be honored.

Ah, hang on, let him finish.

(sighs)

You know, I used to drink vodka like that.

That fast?

No, lying on the floor out of a bowl.

Hmm.

All right, I'm cutting you off.

(chuckles) Yeah, come on, boy.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, by the way, next time you think of surprising my ex-wife, keep in mind that she was a small-arms instructor in the Army.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Not a joke.

She can shoot a cigarette out of your mouth at 50 feet.

Really?

That's how she got me to quit smokin'.

When you said slow walk, you weren't kiddin'.

Yeah, the leash is really a formality at this point.

So, how'd you guys meet?

Actually, I found him in a box on the side of the road.

He was just a puppy.

Aw, so you rescued him?

Mm, he kind of rescued me.

Okay, I think we're done walkin'.

So, what do we do?

We hang out till he gets up.

Sounds good.

Ooh.

(chuckles)

I think he likes me.

I think he likes you, too.

You know, if you wanted to spend a little more time with him, he could stay with me every now and then.

You sure about that? He's a lot of work.

He's got arthritis, he's incontinent, he's half-deaf.

That's okay. I promised Christy a dog about 30 years ago.

I hate to disappoint her.

So this has nothing to do with keeping me away from Danielle?

Oh, please.

Who's your new mommy?

I'm your new mommy.

Can you hear me?