07x09 - Tuna Florentine and a Clean Handoff

[bunniefuu]

Tammy Diffendorf.

- Hey.

- Hey, Eve.

Oh, I see you brought your friend.

Again.

Not just friend.

Advocate.

You know, so you can't plant dr*gs on her.

I'm her parole officer.

If she goes back to jail, I look bad.

Do ya?

Or do you get a kickback for feeding the machine?

I brought you my pay stubs, um, and gave them my urine sample at the front desk.

Clean hand-off this week no spillage.

Um, Bonnie can vouch for my AA meetings.

- Okay, Tammy - I took video, but just don't look at the other people, 'cause it's supposed to be anonymous.

Although there might be a bass player from a sort of famous band in there.

(imitates bass slapping)

That's all you get.

Okay, stop.

Tammy I've got some news for you.

I recommended you for early release from parole.

Seriously?

You've been totally clean for a year now.

You've never missed any of our appointments.

You're one of my success stories.

Yeah.

You're one of our success stories.

This is amazing.

So when do we find out?

I can put you in front of a judge Tuesday at 10:00 a. m.

- Perfect.

- Ooh.

10:00's not good for me.

Could we make it 11:30?

This may stun you but you're not required for this.

Eve, buddy, this is our win.

It doesn't happen without you and me.

- And me.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, either way, it's 10:00 a. m.

- I'll move some things around.

- Thanks, buddy.

To Tammy Diffendorf, free woman.

- Oh - ALL: To Tammy.

Thanks, guys.

It still doesn't even seem real.

I was in the courtroom.

It's real.

And boring when you're not the defendant.

(laughs)

Christy, I don't know why you want to be a lawyer.

So I can help people.

(snoring)

Well, you all helped me.

I would not be a free woman if it weren't for you guys.

ALL: Aw.

But especially - Oh, right.

My higher power.

- Okay, and - Myself.

- Uh-huh.

Also?

Please thank my mom or we'll never get through this moment.

- Bonnie, no, it goes without saying.

- But you could say it.

I would still be in jail if you hadn't been there for me - when I needed you.

- There it is.

Mm.

Salads for everyone.

Hold on.

Are you offering to pay for lunch?

As a matter of fact, I am.

With a credit card from a bank in this country - with my real name on it.

- (laughs)

Base salad only.

Nobody add protein.

But I'm starving.

- Fine.

I'll cover shrimp.

- But I'm allergic.

Listen, I have not been sleeping, so you will eat the shrimp and you will love it.

Then later, I'm gonna use this to buy my husband a spectacular birthday present.

Something he wants or something you want?

Excuse me?

That's what you do.

When I turned six you gave me a coffeemaker.

Because you made the coffee.

And also, I was tired of seeing you scald your little hands.

That's why I don't have a thumbprint.

- Happy birthday!

- Whoa!

Open it.

Wow.

Okay.

Let me take the bow off for you.

Ah, man, that's great.

I know.

Remember last month when we were watching TV and there was a random guy in the background and you said you loved his jacket and I didn't even know what you were talking about, so we went back and paused it?

Also, I had no idea our TV could do that.

Anyway, this is that jacket.

Oh.

So you really like it?

I do.

Thank you, honey.

Put it on, put it on.

Oh, my God.

So hot.

If I were a few years younger, I'd be pregnant right now.

"Inspected by 12.

" Aw, 12, he's the best.

(laughs)

Birthday breakfast.

Birthday boy gets whatever he wants.

What he wants.

You love it?

I love you both.

But the jacket more.

(clicks tongue)

I did it!

Did what?

Do I want to know?

I gave Adam something he really wanted for his birthday.

Really?

You're married and you're still doing that?

A gorgeous leather, very expensive jacket.

And you know it's classy 'cause they had the "can't steal it" wire on it.

And you know I'm classy 'cause I didn't steal it.

Aw, Mom, good for you.

This is gonna sound crazy, but it almost feels like it's better giving a gift than getting one.

You mean it's better to give than to receive?

I like the way I said it.

- Hey, happy birthday.

- Aw, thanks.

- Where's your jacket?

- Babe, I'm still in my pajamas.

But I want Christy to see it.

Go get it.

No, you'll take forever.

I'll go get it.

- I got you a card and a coupon - Oh for one free consultation - when I become a lawyer.

- Ah.

Or, if I flunk out of law school, one free hug.

Which I will definitely need.

Ah, you drew a little picture of you with a briefcase.

Yeah, and a scarf.

That's gonna be my thing.

Oh.

Thanks, Christy.

All right, arms out.

Let's get this bad boy on this bad boy.

Oh, wow, Mom, you did great.

He looks fantastic.

- I did, didn't I?

He does, doesn't he?

- Yeah.

I am delicious.

What, you're taking it off?

I'm gonna hop in the shower.

I love it.

Thank you.

Huh.

What?

Well, I just thought he'd be a little more, you know, "Pow.

Nailed it.

You're the best wife ever.

" - Maybe a few tears of joy?

- Would it k*ll him?

Want to see the coupon I got him?

(scoffs)

You need so much validation.

All right, tonight we live.

Two words: Fancy Feast.

Are you drooling, Carlos Santana?

I think you are.

And I don't blame you.

You've got "Tuna Florentine with garden greens in a delicate sauce.

" Enjoy.

What in the hot hell is going on here?

I'm feeding the cats.

Tuna Florentine is for special occasions.

Carlos, do not eat that.

This is a special occasion.

I'm a free woman.

They get sick if they eat too much rich food.

- You know the rules.

- Aw, screw the rules.

Poor things are trapped in these four walls.

They eat when you tell them to eat, no one's allowed on the bed, and they all have to use the same bathroom.

Let 'em live.

When you get your own cats, you can do it your way.

Spread the word.

I'm leaving a window open tonight.

Wings, a beer, and a sh*t.

Good morning.

Ah, the one thing my wife didn't get in the divorce: - my drinking problem.

- Well it's like they say why is divorce so expensive?

'Cause it's worth it.

Not that I would know.

I've never been married.

How is that possible?

Well, I never really met the right guy, and also, I was in prison for the last seven years.

Ooh, tall and dangerous.

And no longer on parole.

I can do what I want when I want, and who want.

- Tammy, can I see you for a sec?

- Ah.

- Uh-oh, boss is getting jealous.

- He should be.

- (laughs)

- Tammy.

What?!

Can I speak to you?

(clears throat)

What is your problem?

Mike's fed, watered and ready to sprout.

That's my problem.

The ink isn't dry on his divorce.

That's not a pool you want to splash around in.

A guy stuck in an unhappy marriage who hasn't had good sex in years?

Fetch me my snorkel.

Listen Come on, he's-he's a regular.

It could get messy.

If we do it right.

As your boss, can you just do what I say?

Oh, sure.

You're the big boss man.

You tell me when to take my breaks, you force me to shove my hair in a net, and now you're in charge of my vag*na?

I-I don't think I'm allowed to speak anymore.

Good.

Me and my vag*na are taking a break.

Okay, wow, you said it again.

- Bonnie.

- Tammy.

Hey, silly, look what you left at home.

But, babe, it's-it's hot out today.

But don't you want to show it off to your friends?

Sure, but I'm-I'm working, and I don't want to get beer all over it and - Huh.

- What?

I'm beginning to think you don't like this jacket.

I do.

I really do.

I'll put it on.

Well, now you're just putting it on for me.

Yes, I am, because that's what you want.

No.

This is all about what you want.

What's wrong?

Oh, forget it, everything's perfect, everything's fine.

Well, at least she didn't say vag*na.

I haven't been sleeping lately.

Which is really frustrating, because everything that used to make me sleepy is a no-no.

And by "everything," I mean booze and pills.

And sometimes cocaine, which didn't help, but it made it fun to stay awake.

I tried mint tea, tried meditating.

I even called a girlfriend and listened to her - drone on about her day.

- (gasps)

Well, don't gasp.

Now everybody knows it was you.

Oh, anyway, super sober and super tired.

Thanks.

(applause)

- Aren't you hot in that thing?

- Shut up.

Who wants to share next?

- Bonnie, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

I bought this jacket for my husband.

There was nothing in it for me.

No quid pro quo.

Just an honest woman lovin' on her man, but guess what?

Turns out men don't care.

Mm-hmm.

Write that down, young'uns.

Don't care.

Should have bought him the InstaPot that I wanted.

But I didn't, and you know why?

Because I've evolved.

So thank God for sobriety and thank God my ingrate husband and I are roughly the same size.

- Who else wants - Tammy, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Tammy.

- Where do I start?

At the beginning, idiot.

Fine.

(clears throat)

Personally, I'm doing pretty good.

I'm actually fantastic.

I just got off parole, lost a lot of constraints.

But, um, I'm starting to realize the whole world is a prison.

I mean, everyone's always telling you what to do and how to do it.

Like this meeting.

It has to start at a certain time.

The chairs have to be in a circle instead of a triangle, aka pyramid, which is proven to be more powerful, My damn phone tells me to stand up.

Even my car bosses me around.

Beep, beep, beep, put on your seat-belt.

Beep, beep, beep, you've arrived at your destination.

I'll tell you when I've arrived at my damn destination.

- Hey, just take it off.

- Never.

TAMMY: You people are all blind.

You don't see it but I do, and I'm done.

Actually, if you could be done, that'd be great.

The timer's already gone off twice.

So?

I'm not finished talking.

- Well, it's the rule.

- Oh, everybody hear that?

Warden Wendy's cracking her whip.

No talking on the way to the yard.

Ugh, honey, you know meetings have rules for a reason.

Well, maybe I want to change the rules.

Then we need to have a business meeting and take a group conscience.

Ugh.

And if you want to do that, you have to make a motion.

You know what?

I'll give you a motion.

(blows raspberry)

Okay, who else would like to share?

I'm worried about Tammy.

Do you think she's okay?

I drove by her and offered to give her a ride.

She just flipped me off and licked my window.

What am I missing?

I thought getting off parole was supposed to be a good thing.

Oh, actually, it can be a very scary time.

I remember when I finally cleared parole.

All right, this is gonna be a long one, I can't take it.

All the freedom and the, uh, lack of structure that I'd, uh, been longing for made my head spin.

It took a while before I really felt comfortable.

We just have to be patient with Tammy, and support her in whatever way we can.

Wow.

You're better than Sleepytime Tea.

Charge your phone.

I'm calling you tonight.

(TV playing indistinctly)

I found someone who likes the jacket.

Okay.

Let's talk about this.

What's to talk about?

I got you a jacket you wanted and you hate it.

I'm good, you're bad, the end.

I'm sorry, babe.

It worked for the guy on TV, but when I looked at myself in the mirror I felt ridiculous.

I'm not a kid riding a motorcycle.

I'm 62.

And a man my age should not be in that many zippers.

Oh, our first married birthday, and I flubbed my chance.

No.

You went to a ton of trouble to get me something that I wanted.

That means a lot to me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You're the best.

- Aw.

You know, this is gonna sound so stupid, but it's almost like the actual gift didn't matter as much as the effort I put into it.

Yeah.

Y-You mean it's the thought that counts.

I like the way I said it better.

Oh, break it up, we got to go.

It's 3:00 a. m. , where are we going?

Marjorie called, she's freaking out, Tammy never came home.

(sighs)

To the AA mobile.

What's going on with Tammy?

- She's been weird at the bar.

- What'd she do?

She said a word that I'm not comfortable with.

Twice.

vag*na.

He hates that word.

I don't blame him.

I really think we could have done better there.

Do you think Tammy's drinking?

I don't know.

My drinky sense isn't tingling.

Mine is.

But it could be allergies.

Ugh.

God, I don't miss this.

Me either.

Driving around looking for you.

Riding my bike looking for you.

It's been a long time since I stayed up all night wondering when you're gonna come home.

Every night you're home.

Every night.

Mom, I'm trying.

Everyone's either married, gay, or transitioning into someone who is not interested in me.

I just hope she's not doing something stupid.

I think I love you.

I didn't come here to talk.

(knocking, pounding)

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hey.

You were right.

I slept with Mike.

It got a little messy.

Is Bonnie here?

Oh, my God, I am so tired.

From now on, if anybody has a crisis, please do it during normal business hours.

Oh, I'm loving it.

I was up anyways.

I'd rather be around you guys than my thoughts.

- (phone rings)

- It's her.

Where are you?

- Your place.

Where are you?

- Your place.

Everyone's here.

We're all worried about you.

- You should be.

- Did you drink?

No.

It's not that.

I just really need your help.

Did she drink?

Yes or no?

- No.

- You won't help me?

Of course I'll help you.

We all want to help her.

Put her on speaker.

I'm putting you on speaker, so don't discuss Secret Santa.

Tammy, what's going on?

I don't know.

The last couple days, my brain has been going a hundred miles an hour, and I just I can't slow it down.

Well, we're all here for you.

- TAMMY: Who's that?

- That was Wendy.

- TAMMY: Who's that?

- That was Jill.

Okay, look, can everybody just say their names before they speak?

Bonnie, alcoholic.

Oh Sorry, muscle memory.

Go on.

Okay, uh, look.

It's just so terrifying.

You know, I mean, I've spent most of my life in one system or another, and they always shoved rules down my throat.

I hated it.

But I also know that without rules, I can make the biggest mistakes of my life.

And I know I've been acting a little crazy.

Christy here.

Yes, you have.

This is Jill.

We just want what's best for you.

Wendy.

Mm-hmm.

You need to trust yourself more.

You've put in the work.

You know, you're not the same person you were when you robbed that steakhouse.

You can handle this.

Can I?

Bonnie got out of her own head by being there for you.

Maybe you need to do that for somebody else.

You can probably tell that was Marjorie, but I agree.

Okay, I don't hate that.

Keep talking.

Can I go back to bed now?

You know what?

I could really use a cup of coffee.

I see some familiar faces.

Barb, I think you got out ahead of me?

Sorry you're back.

For those of you who don't know me, um, I spent seven years inside.

Yeah, you might find my initials carved in the wall by the good phone.

But I got out, and recently I got off parole.

And believe me, I never thought that I would want to come back here.

But I found AA here.

I'll never forget my first meeting.

I just came to break my day up.

Maybe score a cookie.

I had no intention of getting sober.

I would sit in that chair That chair right there And I would stare at that fan Oh, the fan's gone.

No wonder it's a little warm.

Anyway, I would sit there and think, "Why is my life such a mess?" But I kept coming back to this meeting, and I am so glad I did, because it started to sink in.

And even before I left, things just got better.

I mean, the showers were still an adventure, but suddenly I had hope.

And then, when I got out, the program really saved my ass.

And now I have these great women in my life, you know?

Who, who who have my back, talk me off a ledge, you know?

And keep me from landing back here, like Barb.

Sorry, Barb.

Anyway I just want to say that it it works, if you work it.

And you're worth it.