08x06 - Woo-Woo Lights and an Onside Kick

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Mom...

- So I came home, marched right into the bathroom, told Andy I wanted to deepen our relationship, and you know what he said?

"Can I finish my shower first?" When I get home I just want to take a shower and relax.

I don't want to talk about my feelings.

Especially when I'm not wearing pants.

It's Jill.

Safety first.

Andy wants a break from her.

- Tammy, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Tammy.

Lately I've been looking for ways to deepen my spiritual connection, so, um, I decided to take a peaceful nature hike.

No phones, no earbuds, not even gum.

And that's when I realized hell is other people while also walking uphill.

This couple behind me...

And I feel compelled to point out that the guy was wearing leggings...

Anyway, they were going on and on in great gory detail about this tick that had set up shop in his...

well, let's just say his swimsuit area.

She told me this one over breakfast.

I mean, how am I supposed to achieve inner peace when I'm listening to them yakking about hot compresses and tweezer angles and him passed out on the kitchen table?

I thought, "You know, I'll just speed up so I don't have to hear it." But then I realized I'd never know how it turned out so I pretended to drink water to catch the end.

He's fine.

He just needs the leggings to trust the woods again.

Anyway, I never connected with God, but I do know what to do in case a tick ever sets up shop in my hoo-ha.

(applause)

Someone else, please.

- Jill, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Jill.

Well, Andy and I are still on pause.

I guess we have a different definition of what "pause" means.

See, now, that was a pause.

Oh, she was acting.

I didn't know what was happening.

People, we're at day , and I'm coming unglued.

I'm also regretting the fact that I let Andy be the one who gets to say, "Pause over." (chuckles)

I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.

I mean, he has told me that sometimes I can be a bit too much, but... if loving hard and living large means I'm too much, then guilty as charged.

I just feel so helpless... and as we all know, that is a dangerous feeling for an alcoholic.

But I mean, I-I'm not gonna drink or use over it.

I may have gone on a bit of a shopping spree.

American Express called to make sure I was okay.

They're so sweet.

Anyway, thanks.

- (applause)

- (clears throat)

- Bonnie, alcoholic.

- ALL: Hi, Bonnie.

Don't worry, Jill.

Adam and Andy are watching football tonight, so I'll find out what's going on in his head.

I'm sorry, I know that was cross talk, but she usually sits next to me and I just whisper to her while Marjorie drones on.

Marge, bring us home.

Big finish.

-- Whoa.

Whoa.

(gasps)

Hey.

(chuckles): Hey.

What are you doing up so late?

Uh, I'm just, uh, watching this movie.

It's an infomercial for Flex Seal.

Well, it's riveting.

They're making a boat out of rags.

Could've used that when I was trying to get out of the Philippines.

- Well, good night.

- Wait.

- How was your night with Andy?

- Great.

Wait, wait.

He hasn't talked to Jill for days.

- Did he say why?

- It didn't come up.

You were with him all night - and it didn't come up?

- No.

Then what the hell did you talk about for five and a half hours?

Oh, the end of the early game, and then the whole late game.

Which actually had a successful onside kick.

I mean, you just don't see it since the rule change.

Really?

The only couples friends we've ever had are in crisis, and you didn't ask him anything about it?

- No.

- (groans)

That is so men.

No feelings allowed.

Oh, no, there were plenty of feelings.

You have to understand, this onside kick..

If you say the words "on," "side" or "kick" one more time, I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing a can of soup, and throwing it at you as hard as I can.

Sorry.

Just really changed the ga...

Sorry.

Think.

Did he say anything at all?

Anything at all that might explain how he's feeling about Jill or if anything's changed in their relationship?

He really didn't, Bonnie.

The man's got a lot on his plate right now.

He's breaking in a new partner, he's trying to make sergeant, he had the Raiders plus three, which the onside kick completely just...

I'll just go get the can of soup myself.

Wait a second.

Wait one damn second.

Huh?

What?

Andy's new partner.

Tell me more.

What?

I don't know, she was on plainclothes, - and then she spent plainclothes...

- "She"?

- She?

She?

- That's what I said.

Well, he's been partners with Bert for ten years.

- What happened to Bert?

- He reunited with his twin brother and they got picked to do The Amazing Race.

You know, there was a third one, but Bert ate him in the womb.

Wow, well, Andy was blindsided.

And-and, uh, you know, now he spends hours a day in a car with Joanna.

The skank.

Okay, ladies.

I know our brains are excellent machines for jumping to conclusions, but we don't know anything about this Joanna.

I know her.

I see her all the time at the ER.

Well, there you go.

I'm sure she's very...

Hold on, Marjorie, I want to hear what Wendy has to say.

You get one a year.

Make it count.

Tell me everything about her.

She's nice.

Is that it?

Kinda.

Somebody get me a can of soup.

I'll get it out of her.

I don't know what you want from me.

She has two dogs, Barkley and Slayton.

Aw, now I feel bad for calling her a skank.

But she still is.

What does she look like?

Your nostrils are scaring me.

This is getting out of hand.

- Calm down, Jill.

- You're right.

Wendy, honey, what does she look like?

I don't know.

She's just nice.

Around years old.

Kind of average-looking.

(gasps)

Before me, average was Andy's type.

Okay, okay, you have no reason to suspect that Joanna and Andy have anything beyond a professional relationship.

And, Jill, you agreed to this break to give him time to think, and you have to honor that agreement.

Okay, but I made that agreement before I knew about average Joanna and her two damn dogs.

Oh, and she also collects vintage dolls.

What, have you watched a documentary on this woman?

My kingdom for a can of soup.

Steak, Tater Tots, beer and me.

- Your four favorite food groups.

- (chuckles)

It all looks great.

And again, my apologies.

I did not know I was striking your handsome face with the zipper side of the pillow.

Apology accepted, but if anybody at the bar asks, I took a guy with a Kn*fe down.

- How's Jill doing?

- (sighs)

Not good.

The Joanna bombshell sent her into a tailspin, but she'll be fine.

Yeah, but Jill's fine and normal fine are not the same fine.

Go on.

Well, you know.

She comes with a side of drama.

It's like Andy says, she's a bit of a handful.

Tell me the Tater Tot is not the most perfect form of potato.

You got the crispy outside, you got the fluffy inside...

Do you think I'm a handful?

- What do you mean?

- Is that what you say about me?

I don't say that.

Andy says that about Jill.

What I say about you is...

other stuff.

Wow.

- Is that a good wow?

- It is not.

I want you to explain to me how I got in trouble for something that Andy said.

- You know how.

- I-I really don't.

I...

But since you're already mad, I'll take your Tots.

Hey, I'm just calling to see how you're doing.

(quietly): I'm doing a lot better now.

Why are you whispering?

Because Andy and Joanna have their windows rolled down and they're right in front of me at the stop sign.

- So you're following them?

- Yep.

And do they know you're there?

I don't think so.

I took my housekeeper's car as a disguise.

But I really wish I would've peed before I came out here.

Okay, I want you to listen to me.

This is very, very wrong.

I brought binoculars, tacos and a jar to pee in.

Hey, you didn't mention that your housekeeper's car is also a Range Rover.

Yeah, I gave her my old one.

I put that woman through hell.

Technical question...

can you see anything?

Not really.

Just give me a heads-up if they turn.

(sighs I got a better idea.

How about I introduce you to the Bonnie Plunkett School of Surveillance Techniques.

Normally a masterclass I teach out by the airport.

I'm doing great.

We're right behind 'em.

Yeah.

That's your first mistake.

You never want to be right behind them.

In fact, the best place to be is in front of them.

Well, how do I do that?

And lesson one begins.

All right, I'll pull over.

No, you don't have to stop.

Scooch your seat back, here I come.

You want to go over or under?

Well, pretty-pretty sure I got to go over.

Okay, on my mark.

One, two, three.

Keep your foot on the pedals.

Foot on the pedals.

And...

eject!

Aah!

Oh, my God, that worked!

- (laughing)

- Ooh.

Yeah, I only swerved four feet over the yellow line.

Nothing from your boyfriend up there.

What kind of cops are they?

The kind bonded by lust.

All right, watch and learn.

I'm gonna pull out in front of them.

Usually I just sketch this up on an overhead projector, but let's see if it actually works.

- Mirror!

Mirror!

- Right.

Right.

Oh, God, I can only see her.

And me, looking desperate.

And a little puffy from those tacos.

Nobody st*lks their boyfriend 'cause their life is working out.

How is it possible I've been sober all this time, and I'm still driving around, chasing men?

Yeah, I thought sobering up would get rid of my crazy, too, but nope, still crazy.

Just a little less confused during Fantasia.

Mm.

Maybe we should just stop and go home.

I'm proud of you, Jill.

I knew if I came out here and spent some time with you, you'd start to see that...

Oh.

They're pulling over.

Quick, don't lose 'em.

Uh, hang on.

(tires squealing)

(both panting)

Wow.

They didn't notice that, either.

- (chuckles)

This is fun.

- It is fun.

♪ ♪ Two cops, two coffees, no doughnuts.

(scoffs)

Another myth exploded.

Is it horrible that I wish she were drop-dead gorgeous?

I mean, I can't lose him to her.

Well, that's awfully shallow, Jill.

Although that mustache isn't doing her any favors.

No, wait.

That's just a shadow.

No, wait.

Well, what the hell is that, then?

If I lose him to somebody less pretty than me, then it means it's me.

You know, my insides.

And I can't Botox my insides.

- (sighs)

If only we could.

- Right?

Oh, God, now they're laughing together.

And that's his real laugh, not the fake one he takes pity on me with.

Adam has one of those, too.

Heh-heh-heh.

Always three.

- Yeah, and they never make eye contact.

- Never.

You know, I don't have a fake laugh.

If something's not funny, I just don't laugh.

And that's what makes you awesome.

Because you're authentic.

You are the real deal.

I know I'm not supposed to call him, but...

I need to know if he's thinking about me at all.

Okay, he's picking up.

He's checking caller I.D.

And...

he's putting it back down.

(angry grunt)

- He sent me to voice mail.

- Because he's at work.

They probably have a rule where they can't take personal calls while they're having coffee and-and-and laughing.

Okay, well, then you call him.

Well, technically, I think that's a personal call...

Call him.

Okay.

All right, he's picking it up...

he's looking at it...

and he's...

Hey.

Andy.

Wh-What is up?

(nervous chuckle)

That's a good question.

Thanks for calling.

I got to go.

Oh, he picked up for you.

That says everything.

But, Jill, you're on a pause with Andy.

I'm not.

He probably picked up for me because he thought it was something to do with Adam.

- (ringtone playing)

- It's him.

- Disguise your voice.

- (sighs)

It's Tammy.

Calm down.

(sighs): Hi.

Jill and I are following Andy around...

I brought licorice.

Catch me up.

Red or black?

Red.

I'm not a serial k*ller.

Oh, God, please tell me you didn't tell Marjorie - what we're doing.

- Mm-mm.

She fell asleep on the couch.

- She doesn't even know I'm here.

- Good, 'cause I am not up for - the "Don't Stalk Boyfriends" speech.

- Mm.

(like Marjorie): Girls, part of being sober is not making choices you're gonna have to make an amends for down the road.

(like Marjorie): Keep your focus on yourself and your sobriety.

(like Marjorie): You know, it would be nice if someone else cleaned the cat box once in a blue moon.

It's not involved with sobriety; it's just super annoying.

(all laughing)

♪ ♪ Now, this is recovery.

I'm following a cop instead of them following me.

(Bonnie and Jill chuckle)

Ooh, their woo-woo lights are on!

Everybody down!

We've been made!

No, I think they spotted that drunk guy stumbling out of the bowling alley.

Oh, no shirt on.

Such a giveaway.

What's up with those, Pavarotti?

I swiped them from Marjorie.

She uses them to keep an eye out for the coyotes during the cats' playtime.

Ooh, Joanna's strong.

That's a solid half nelson.

Andy very dainty with the cuffs.

Yeah.

Comes from a lifetime of being the biggest person in the room.

He accidentally crushed a bunny when he was six.

Oh, my God.

That's so sad.

I know.

I've been trying to get him into therapy.

Easter's a very difficult holiday for him.

(gasps)

Andy just opened the back door for her!

Yeah, he kind of had to.

She's got her hand full of drunk guy.

Drunk-gonna-vomit guy.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Joanna's caught a little splash on her sleeve.

(gasps)

And Andy is wiping it off for her.

That is intimate behavior!

I-I'm trying to think if Adam would wipe someone's vomit off my sleeve.

I guess he would.

Of course he would.

He's a gentleman.

(clicks tongue, sighs)

Aren't you glad we don't drink like that anymore?

And keep our shirts on?

(chuckles softly)

Yeah.

We're so healthy now.

♪ ♪ Aw.

Who bet they were taking him to the hospital?

I did.

Damn it, I thought jail was a stone-cold lock.

Thank you, thank you.

Oop.

They're dragging him out.

Marone, shirtless puker's out cold.

And he lost a sneaker.

Been there.

You know, people don't understand.

Every time you see a lone sneaker in the middle of a road, there's a story.

Hey, when did Joanna have time to put on lipstick?

Oh, cut her some slack...

She's got puke on her sleeve.

What are you guys doing?

Get in.

Close the door.

We're spying on Jill's boyfriend.

Dang it, I miss everything since I took the night shift.

Ooh.

Licorice.

Hey, what's going on with the drunk guy?

Yeah, did he hit his head?

No.

We got to pump his stomach.

Yeah!

I win again.

Pay up.

And there's a warrant out for his arrest, so he's going to jail after.

Yes!

Come to mama!

Hey.

See, now, right there, why do they have to stand so close while they're going over the little notepads?

"He puked on you, yes he did, done." Hey, there's this guy in radiology, his name's Lorne, he was in Desert Storm...

Nobody cares about Desert Storm Lorne.

Joanna does.

They just moved in together.

What?

Yeah.

They found this cute little one-bedroom in a converted firehouse.

You mean to tell me we've been following them around all night and she's got a boyfriend?

This firehouse, does it still have the pole?

Oh, I always wanted a house with a fireman's pole.

Oh, you guys, Andy's not cheating on me.

He loves me.

My sweet little bunny k*ller loves me.

- (knocks on door)

- (others gasp)

Step out of the car.

No, uh...

just Jill.

How ya been?

♪ ♪ Wendy, don't you need to get back inside?

I'm the head nurse...

I can do whatever I want.

Head nurse?

Since when?

Last year, right after I moved.

- You moved?

- Do you guys listen to anything...

Shh!

It's getting heavy.

I wish I could read lips.

I can.

I took a class out by the airport.

It's like a major university out there.

You can study anything.

We don't need to read lips, you guys.

This is a full-on breakup.

What makes you say that?

He just handed her a key and she's crying.

Oop.

Here she comes.

Act like we don't know everything.

- What happened?

- How'd it go?

We're just sitting here.

(crying): Well, the pause is over.

Now we're on full stop.

Oh, honey.

I guess it's true, I am a bit too much.

- No.

- No.

- No.

I am.

(sniffles)

But for the record, so are all of you.

♪ ♪ Go ahead and say it.

I should've kept the focus on myself.

Oh, honey, I'm not gonna say anything like that.

Breaks my heart to see you suffering.

I will talk to the two of you later.

I can't believe I blew it.

This was the best relationship I've had since my marriage ended.

Mm.

I remember, and you said that you would never meet anyone you cared about ever again.

But you did.

And it's gonna happen next time too Hey.

I didn't know I was walking into the girls' dorm.

Heh-heh-heh.

Always three.

What did Andy do now?

If I tell you, you'd have to pay for it.

I appreciate the heads-up.

Now get out.

Bad time to have a penis.