04x03 - Julie Beckman's Older Sister

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Nick?

(whispers) Shh, I'm reading.

Can you just give me a second?

What do you want this time?!

So, I'm... I'm pitching on the sponge account today.

It's kind of a... it's kind of a big deal.

I'm just wondering why my idea notebook is covered in crimson stains.

Oh, that's a fair question.

It's either Sloppy Joes, or it's blood.

(groans)

You unbelievable pig person!

You giant, fat pig person! You sloth.

You should be living in a tree in Costa Rica, you know that?

Hi, guys. Um, have either of you seen the French press?

The French press is in cupboard 64B. Did you not consult your item map?

No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B.

What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?!

I used the French press.

Everybody chill out. So it's in here somewhere.

Nick, you know you're not allowed to use the French press.

I use it to get the pulp out of my juice.

So just give me one second, I'll find it.

(chuckles): Hold on. Oh, yeah.

I wasn't looking for it, but I found my pulp bowl.

That is a crystal candy bowl filled with orange goop.

I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm going to my study.

You are gonna get back here and clean your room, mister!

JESS: Guys, I still need the French press.

Winston, I need my study corner!

No, not after last time.

Hey, Winnie! You know there's an Albany in California?

(chuckles): Well, hello, Winston Bishop.

I towel-b*rned my unders.

Well, I just prairie-dogged thanks to you guys.

Stop fighting! Now the bathroom stinks for no reason.

You happy, Schmidt? You just scared Coach's poop!

No, I'm not happy. I'm poor, and I'm living in a filthy thimble.

I've gone from riches to rags. It's reverse Annie.

Oh, spoiler alert. Now you just ruined Annie.

(men arguing)

JESS: Guys, chill out!

Schmidt, your people have been selling sponges since the days of Abraham. You got this.

Nick, the pulp bowl is real gross. Tighten up.

Most importantly, my dad is coming with his new girlfriend, and I need the French press.

Oh, 64B. The Tagine is in 64B.

64B is occupied!

Uh, he said the Tagine is in 64B.

It stinks in there! What did you do?!

You k*ll an animal?!

♪ Who's that girl ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

How long before you unleash holy hell on your dad's new girlfriend?

I want to make sure I got a good seat and plenty of snacks.

Okay, Cecilia, look, I know I've been a little bit hard on my dad's girlfriends in the past...

I know you stole my dad's credit card, Margot.

Hit the damn road.

I don't have a car.

(whispers): Find one.

I was the one who had to pick up the pieces when his heart got broken.

Besides, to hear my dad talk, it sounds like he has really found someone who... is good for him.

Ha!

And you believe that?

Your dad has terrible taste in women.

That's why I love him so much.

Remember the one who pretended to be a paraplegic?

Get up!

I can't!

Oh, whatever.

That's the last one I met, and I'm lucky he's letting me meet this one.

So, what? You're just gonna be nice to her? No fireworks? No show?

I'm gonna be nice to her no matter who she is.

Then what the hell am I doing here?

(knocking)

Oh.

Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Daddy.

Gee, I'm sorry we're late, you know, but we saw Seal at the airport.

We talked to him for 20 minutes, got his autograph.

Wasn't him.

No.

Anyway, this is Ashley.

Hi.

I think, um, we went to high school... together.

You went to high school together!

We went to high school together!

Julie Berkman's older sister Ashley?

That's me.

(Cece laughs)

Is this fun or what? (laughs)

(whispering): Oh, my God!

(whispering): Your dad is dating Trashley Berkman?

Didn't she... ?

Yes. She sexually intercoursed my high school boyfriend George Jiang underneath the bleachers.

While you were sitting...

Yes! While I was sitting on those bleachers.

Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece?

It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin.

Also, Trashley gave him giardia in his belly ring.

Giardia is a river disease.

She had river mouth.

Wasn't George Jiang, like, six-11?

Yeah. They called him George Jiang the Giardia Giant, and I never got to hold him in my arms.

What are you gonna do?!

Uh...

Uh... nothing.

I'm gonna be sweet and kind and supportive.

Look, peop-peop... people change.

People change. It's been 15 years.

She had sex with our DARE officer!

No way.

There were rumors flying around about every damn one.

(chuckles)

You remember the rumor about me? What?

Oh, that you shaved your chin?

Was that was the rumor about me?

That was the rumor.

No. It was... definitely sexier than that.

Thank you guys for coming. It's really helpful that you're here.

I'm trying to get my boss to give me the new account.

I just have to figure out how to sell sponges to men.

What do I have? I have a blood-stained idea notebook filled with terrible ideas.

I don't know what to do, you guys.

Damn it!

"Spongey make wipey." I like that.

Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time.

This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna say the word "sponge", and you guys are gonna say the first word that pops into your head, okay? Ready, one, two, three. Sponge.

Sponge!

Yellow.

Sponge.

That was mine.

Okay, let's just try this. We're gonna try this one more time.

Okay? Just clear your head, okay?

So I'm gonna say the word, and you're gonna say the first word that pops in your head.

Okay, it might be "sponge." Don't say "sponge."

Sponge!

Sponge.

Damn it! Focus!

I'm sorry. Okay, let's just try it again.

Give me a sh*t. Give me a sh*t. Give me a sh*t.

I'm gonna say "sponge" one more time, first word that pops into your head. Ready? One, two, three, sponge.

Sponge. Aah!

Winston!

Sorry. So much pressure, man.

Okay, you know what? Let's move on to Coach.

Coach, here we go. You're the man of the group.

You should be good at this. We're selling sponges to men.

Ready, one, two, three, sponge.

Sponge.

Why would you say that?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, come on, come on. Sponge.

Cake.

What?

Cake. No!

Sponge cake.

We all know that men are idiots.

How long have you been in my office?

But what we don't know is how much they love to clean.

You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go.

Come on, Gina, you have to give me this account.

They want to market sponges to men. I'm the only man in the office.

Oh, speaking of. Sherri, you got the sponge account!

Touchdown! Yeah.

Just hear me out here.

The reason why men don't talk about how much they love to clean is because they're afraid to admit it.

Give me a chance here. Be the one to put Schmidt on the map.

Let's blast America right in the face with a little bit of Schmidt.

Oh! God in heaven! Fine!

Put together a focus group, okay?

I will do that. This is exciting.

All right. Maybe next week we'll start it?

No. Today, 3:00.

Today... today at 3:00?

Today at 3:00?

Mm-hmm.

3:00 today... that sounds great.

I love that idea.

Mm-hmm, you just... you just earned a special thank you in my autobiography.

Working title: Punting the Sweet Fantastic.

I feel like you kind of have to do something to write a book about yourself.

Sports!

(screams)

Oh, it's just so great to see you guys again.

Will you please remind me?

Were you there my first senior year or my second?

I was not good at high school.

(Bob and Ashley laugh)

Oh, the early 2000s.

God, I did so much E.

Just doing E, watching that show Ed.

I would love to know how you two lovers met.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, so I was listening to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays.

Yeah, well...

I didn't know you were in a band, Dad.

Yeah, just... just me and a few other pharmacists.

You know, we do alt rock covers.

Oh, man, when he started singing "She's So High"...

♪ She's so high... ♪

Stop. Because I'm gonna fall in love again.

Okay, go, I want to.

♪ She's so high... ♪

ASHLEY (sighs): Oh.

Oh, man. That was it. I was done.

Ashley, have you kept in touch with our DARE officer?

Oh! Cece.

Oh. Okay, I... I get it.

You guys heard about that rumor that I had sex with the DARE officer?

No! Only a crazy person...

That rumor was true.

(stammers)

Crazy fun person.

Oh, yeah, that guy.

Wow, I did not just say no. I said yes.

Oh, yeah.

I just said, "Yes, yes, yes."

Oh, she said yes a lot.

(laughs) She's had sex with hundreds of guys.

Yeah. You know, we spent some time trying to total them all up.

It was fun.

k*lled a whole Saturday. Yeah.

We couldn't even get through the list.

We got to the "Ls."

(laughs)

But that was in the past.

And then I was diagnosed with a sex addiction.

Oh, great.

Thankfully, I attended rehab.

Which... did not take the first time.

Or the second.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But third time's the charm.

For a lot of people. Not for me.

For me, it took four. Four times.

Well, Bobby, we should get ready to go to the beach.

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for this delicious brunch, Jess.

It was wonderful.

I ate so much, I'm gonna have to bang nine guys just to work it off. (laughs)

Oh, my goodness.

(Bob laughs)

I'm kidding. I did do that once, but I'm not gonna do it this time.

It's all in the past for me.

Isn't she great?

I just love her.

She makes me laugh so much.

(groaning)

What? What... what, are you humming?

Mm... Dad, just so we have this conversation...

No, no, Jess.

She seems like the type of girl who might hurt you.

Jessica...

I've seen you get hurt by a lot less.

Please, don't... don't go there.

No matter what you say, you're not gonna change my mind.

I'm in love with her, and I'm gonna marry her.

Gonna... get a new mom, Jess.

BOB: ♪ She's so high... ♪

Hey, are you okay? Because I am not sure if you heard that, but there is going to be a wedding.

Oh... there will be no wedding.

And it begins.

Why are we meeting in a parking garage?

Because what we are doing is unsavory and we're hiding from God.

And you also... you promised Winston and everybody pizza, so...

Yeah, you definitely did.

Yes, there'll be pizza.

Just do one thing for me first.

Here, memorize these.

That's yours. That's yours.

"I love sponges because they connect my heart to my hand."

Look, I had to scramble, you guys.

I told my bosses how much men love to clean.

What are talking about?

Only you.

Yeah, only...

Yeah. I know!

Why do you think I'm rigging this focus group?

"Sponges make me feel more exhilarated than any home run or touchdown ever could."

This is ridiculous, man. I'm out!

I can buy my own pizza.

Can somebody please loan me $15?

Maybe like 20, 25, depending on toppings, 'cause I'd love to get a bunch of ham.

Ham. What about the tip, dude?

What about tip?

I don't give tips. It's for delivery. You don't tip delivery people, ever.

You definitely tip delivery people, but...

Guys. Guys.

I get sponges, this solves all our problems. Okay?

I make more money, Nick gets his room back, I get my life back on track.

Punting the Sweet Fantastic.

For the last time, Schmidt, that doesn't mean anything!

Fine. But I'm gonna need one hour in a quiet room to get into character.

No.

Right on.

After long and thoughtful and careful consideration, Winston is in.

Okay.

Assuming pizza is still on the table.

Say "pizza" one more time, Winston.

No, just don't.

Just don't.

No, we just never talked about when we're gonna...

Don't.

Just don't bring it up. He's getting really mad.

Like, delivery of... Say "pizza."

Say "pizza" one more time.

Don't say it again.

Say "pizza" again.

Pizza.

Say "pizza" one more time, I'm gonna k... k*ll you!

I just thought maybe we'd talk about toppings, perhaps, or something.

Not a mirror.

Not a mirror, you idiot.

Not a mirror.

Sponges make me feel exhilarated more than any...

Did you just say "sponges make me feel exhilarated"?

(chuckles): No, no. I... I..

What do you think of sponges?

They're stupid.

That's how I feel. (laughs)

I mean, who cares?

Ex... That's exactly how I feel.

What do you think of this whole place?

I'd rather not be here.

"Be here" is what I was about to say.

(both laughs)

I'm Nick.

I'm Brittany.

Oh, my God, we have so much in common.

Okay.

My dad can't marry her.

He gets hurt in relationships with normal women.

Yeah. He can't handle a recovering sex addict.

No.

What if she relapses?

It would crush him. It would crush his heart.

I can't let this happen. I have to protect him.

So what are you gonna do?

I could write him a letter about my feelings.

We... Yeah, but her phone is in her purse, and we could check her phone for dirt on her.

But he hates letters.

He always gets so frustrated opening the envelope.

You know you want to check her phone. You know you want to.

Cece, we're adults; we're gonna handle this like adults.

We're not snooping.

You're right, you're right.

That is... that's a huge violation of privacy; you can't do that.

Put that... What does it say?

It's bad. Mm.

Give that to me.

(gasps)

Dad, she's cheating on you!

What?

Yeah, just ask Jim.

At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town.

At 11:52, Jim had his hands down his pants.

And at 11:53...

Cumin? What, is he cooking cumin?

(clears throat)

Oh, my God.

My dad is the best guy in the world, and you better hit the damn road, unless you want to say hello to my old friends Crabtree and Evelyn.

That's my work phone. I'm a sex therapist.

Jim is my client.

Your... your client?

Client!

Client.

Client.

Client.

Am I supposed to say "client" now?

I'm gonna go. This was clearly a mistake.

No.

And for the record,

George Jiang gave me giardia.

I saved you from a hideous river disease.

Thank you.

Damn it. She won't answer any of my calls.

I left ten voice mails.

Two of them, I'm screaming. Three, I'm crying.

One is a long silent one. Nothing!

And it's all your fault... both of you guys.

But mostly you.

Look, Dad, I'm so sorry.

Is there anything I can do...

There's nothing more that you can do.

I... I knew this was a mistake bringing her here.

Wait, Dad.

(door slams)

SCHMIDT: So, uh, why don't you tell me what you think about that sponge there, Coach.

I mean... (clears throat) Ernie.

I don't know why I would call you Coach.

Okay. Um... (clears throat)

Well, I love sponges because they connect my heart to my hand.

Wow, thank you so much for that.

I wish my buddies could see me now.

What?

They'd be all like, "Hey, man, let me get a hit of that squishy whip."

Right on. Way to, uh, add your own take.

Uh, to-to your... to your own take.

WINSTON: You know, I... I have something I'd like to add.

Please.

Um, I like cleaning.

You like cleaning.

It is the only thing I can control in a world filled with chaos.

Thank you.

May I add, I am Thor, and this is my hammer, Mjolnir.

M... Melnir. Mjolnir.

Okay, wonderful detail. Thank you so much for that.

Uh, how about you down there, Mayor of the Corner?

(chuckles)

(pounds table) Nick.

What?

How does cleaning make you feel?

Uh, like I-I'm cleaning. Move on to somebody else, please.

(quietly): Read the cards that I gave you. Remember the cards?

Not now.

(pounds table) Read your cards!

You want to know what I think about your sponges?!

(imitates farting)

(laughs)

(laughs)

Well, this is clearly rigged.

My office. Now, Schmidt.

Schmidt...

Schmidt, I'm sorry.

(door closes)

Dad.

Thanks for waiting.

I wasn't waiting. I just can't get this damn thing started.

You're just pressing buttons.

This was supposed to be a big weekend for me and Ashley.

I had everything planned.

I... I even wrote new lyrics to our... our song.

(high-pitched): ♪ Ashley, marry me... ♪

(engine starts)

Y... you didn't have to do that, you know.

I can take care of myself.

Can you? Dad, if I hadn't protected you after you and Mom's divorce, you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman.

Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.

She was bad news, Dad.

Ooh, v... very bad. You don't know the half of it.

That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.

What, Dad?! Booger sugar?

Yes.

Nicaraguan yazz.

Are you kidding me?

It was a very expensive evening.

I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis.

The point is I'm still standing, and I can take care of myself.

Yes, I might get hurt, but that'll be my problem.

You don't need to do it anymore, Jess.

I should be taking care of you.

Ashley is different from any woman I've ever dated.

She... she makes every day better.

I... I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.

(car alarm chirps)

Hey!

Hey, Th... Ashley!

JESS: What did she do? She went out and found a guy?

She's gonna relapse. Um...

Oh, we have to turn her off. Ashley...

Let's turn on NPR and blare it.

Oh...

Ashley, wait. Wait a minute. Please. Please don't do this. Please.

JESS: Ashley, if you're gonna relapse, relapse with my dad.

I'm not relapsing.

This is Roy. He's my L.A. sponsor.

BOB: This is Roy? Oh!

You know, I... I always wanted to meet you. Hi.

Jess, he's not a strange man.

He's a sex addict.

Former sex addict. Uh, current chocoholic.

I'd be in trouble if you were black.

Thank you?

Ashley, look, I screwed up.

I have to let my dad make mistakes.

Oh, I'm a mistake?

No, you are not a mistake.

That came out wrong.

I'm sorry, Bob.

I never meant to come between you and your daughter.

I love you so damn much.

You're my big, round, bald, fuzzy Weeble-Wobble.

But I just... I just need a little space.

It's not over, Dad.

Get the ring.

I'm sorry, Schmidt. What can I say?

You're just not really built to play with the big girls.

Don't fire him!

Oh, God.

What the... Why?

Give him the account.

He's a hard worker, and he's a neat freak.

How do I know that? 'Cause I share a room with him.

You two share a room?

And you should see his side.

It is so clean. It looks like the inside of a Japanese subway.

Speaking of sharing a bedroom, Brittany's coming over tonight.

Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to 15 minutes of privacy for...

I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive.

Give me five to ten.

That feels braggy. Give me three to five, but no less than three 'cause that's rude to girls.

Do you really think that she's gonna have sex with you in that pulp-covered filth bunker? - I'll throw a tarp down.

Oh, God.

SCHMIDT: What if she's turned off by the mess? What if she's turned off by...

What if she's turned off by the mess?

Hey, Gina, why don't you hear me out here for a second.

That's all right.

If Nick cleans his room before Brittany comes over, he might get laid.

I don't know. It seems like a lot of work.

Not with the right tool.

We open up on a modern man with a nose that only America could love.

This might seem obvious, but what side does the dirty stuff go on?

He doesn't know a lot, but he's about to discover the ultimate wingman.

NICK: I bet this side is really good for tough areas.

The Man Sponge.

Because the dirtiest thing in your room...

Probably be her. (chuckles)

Yay. We're doing a pitch.

Yeah. (chuckles)

I... can't believe I'm saying this, but I like it.

All right, you get the sponge account, Schmidt.

Sponges. We got sponges.

We got sponges. We got sponges. We got sponges.

JESS: Wait!

Ashley! My dad loves you!

No matter what! Wait!

♪ Ashley... ♪

On your right! Left side! On your right. On your left.

(Jess whimpering)

On your right! Left!

Right! Bread and butter.

On your left. On your right.

(Jess continues whimpering)

Oh, my God!

Left side! Left side!

♪ Ashl... ♪

On your right!

BOB: Jess!

Jess, baby, baby, are you okay?

Oh.

You... Here, come on, come on. Let's get you to a hospital. Yeah. Yes.

Oh, my God! Is she okay?

I don't know.

I mean, are you okay?

You need to do it now, Dad, before we get flattened by a parade. Come on.

Ashley... will you marry me?

And be the stepmom to a very crazy but... but very lovable woman?

(chuckles): Yes.

Yes. Yes!

Oh, yes!

Jess, you're my little girl now.

Oh, Jess.

You go to your room. (laughs): I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding. But you should go to a-a hospital.

Here's to attending a wedding with everyone from high school and my dad's side of the family.

It's gonna be great. It's like going to prom with all my dad's friends.

NICK: Hear, hear!

(cheering)

Oh. Oh.

No, no, no, no.

Don't worry, don't worry.

I got it. I got it. I'll just clean it.

COACH: Dude, there's a sponge in your hand.

SCHMIDT: No, let him go.

He's my inspiration. You know, living with him in that slovenly hellhole has been a secret blessing.

It's made me stronger.

Without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up.

I am a phoenix, and I will rise.

He usually says that speech before sex.

By 2015, I will have my own room. And by 2016...

COACH: What is he looking at?

I don't know.

... I will be a millionaire.

(all groaning)

(piano playing gentle music)

(gasps)

Spongey make wipey.

ANNOUNCER: The Man Sponge.

Because the dirtiest thing in your room...

Should be me.

Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.