05x13 - Sam, Again

[bunniefuu]

Boo!

Sorry to startle you.

You didn't startle us.

Yeah, you struggled with the lock for like thirty seconds.

I got a new job!

Babe, that's great.

Oh, that's awesome.

Well, not really "new."

I'm starting on a trial basis tomorrow.

So where is it?

Is it at that super crunchy school?

It's the most progressive school in Los Angeles.

It's basically heaven if heaven were populated with kids that look like tiny members of Arcade Fire.

Sounds like your dream job.

I'd give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today.

Thank you. I was actually worried.

It was getting rough out there.

(speaking French)

Ah...

La-la-la-la-la-la.

God, I miss Paris.

Stop it!

Wha...? I was drinking that.

It's Jess's.

Every time she gets a job at a new school, she brings back kid germs that infect your filthy body.

Don't get me sick.

Don't get me sick either, man.

I got a date coming up, and I might get to mouth-base.

I'm not gonna get sick.

No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.

Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse?

I confiscated those from a kid.

That explains why they're so sticky.

(chuckles) Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don't get sick.

Nick, you have, like, 7,500 raisins all over your room.

Why would you eat the...? (sneezes)

I knew it. I knew it.

That was so immediate.

And this is our nondenominational Eden.

(Jess gasps)

Wow.

I know.

Jess: Did the kids build the chicken coup?

Yep. Only hens, though, obviously.

Banyon Canyon has a strict "zero cocks" policy.

I like how it... it encourages the chickens to stay inside but doesn't force them.

In line with our philosophy.

Who are we to tell the children what to learn and when?

Their teachers?

Williamsburg ate my seaweed, Genevieve.

No, I didn't.

Don, Williamsburg, do I have your permission to move this conflict to the Feelings Farm?

W-Wait, Jess, we sit on the floor.

Chairs are reserved for the children's feelings.

Oh.

This is much better than solving problems the Coolidge way.

There's a fight in the gym!

Oh, my God!

I got this, Jess.

Children (chanting): Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

(chanting stops)

I've been thinking about starting to wear a watch again.

Let me open the barn door and welcome Honesty.

Both: Hi, Honesty.

Williamsburg, now, Honesty is here and has no agenda but to listen.

Honesty, I ate the seaweed.

And I'm sorry.

And, Don, do you have anything to say to Honesty?

Honesty, sorry for being so macho.

I'm sorry I picked you last for touch basket.

I'm sorry I insulted you for having a mommy and daddy.

Beautiful, Jess.

Well done.

Thank you.

Into quarantine, you.

Huge presentation at Ass-Strat tomorrow, and I cannot be sick for it.

Women I work with hate weakness.

You show up sick, you-you might as well be dead.

(sneezes)

Uh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

No, uh, it wasn't really...

Get out.

Guys, I'm on the mend.

Sorry, Nick.

(sneezes)

Winston here has got that hot coffee date tomorrow, so...

But, to be clear, the date's hot, not the coffee.

Uh, thinking about going iced.

Don't look at my hands.

Thanks for backing me up, boo.

Oh, you know how boo do.

You know who's my boo? I got a clue it's you.

Aw...

(sneezes)

So... this is the most time we've ever spent alone.

Pretty interesting observation on your part.

Yeah.

What are we... what are we watching?

We are having a...

I just started streaming it, and now it won't stop playing.

Boy, ham sandwiches.

(laughs)

What is it?

It's hard to say.

It's either a puppet show for kids, or it's North Korean propaganda.

(screaming)

Pretty weird.

(screaming)

(Nick snickers)

(both chuckle)

Genevieve: I feel like we have a real connection.

Me, too.

I know it's only the first day of your trial period, but my gut is telling me... you're a perfect fit.

I just... like, I'm so happy here, I could cry, but the gray water bucket's too far away, and I want to save my tears to water these plants.

That's considerate. Ooh!

My partner's here to pick me up.

I think you're gonna really like him.

Sam: Sorry I'm late.

The string came out of my prayer beads, and they just bounced all over the office.

Oh...

So frustrating.

Genevieve: Sam, I want you to meet Jess.

This is the candidate we were discussing in the shower.

Yeah.

Jess, this is Sam, my partner.

Hey, Jess.

You're a doctor for children.

Uh, it's, you know, mostly paperwork.

How do you always look so beautiful in the morning?

(grunts)

(Nick groans)

Oh, my God.

You could have k*lled him.

(strained): I'm gonna kick your ass, man.

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Have you met before?

We... Yeah, we've met.

We did. Yes, that's right, we met, we met.

(laughing): How funny.

Um, a bunch of times.

A lot of times. Very many. A lot of times.

We met a lot... Yeah.

Sometimes in the day, sometimes... in the, uh, nighttime.

Oh.

It was, you know...

Yeah, we, I mean...

Yeah.

Oh.

Bye, Jess.

Nice to see you.

The fly shirts and the even more fly shirts.

Okay, let's make this quick.

I need to work on my presentation.

It's for a chair company, and it's tentatively titled, "I Hope You're Sitting Down for This."

'Cause it's chairs.

Yeah.

At which point you would laugh if you weren't so preoccupied with your date.

Okay, Winston, what are you wearing?

Well, you know, I don't want to overthink it.

It's just coffee, so...

So you're going to just dress like you did today, which apparently happened during a solar eclipse in a land of no mirrors.

Good note. Strong note.

Winston, listen to me.

Yeah.

This is the first date since the... since the Aly heartbreak.

This date is going to define the next chapter of your dating story.

Wear these magnificent sunglasses.

Put 'em on.

Oh, man.

You look like Brad Pitt on a t*nk.

In that movie Furry.

Yeah.

You ever see Furry?

Furry? Nah.

It's a bunch of dudes on a t*nk. They're, uh... and they're outnumbered and they sh**t a bunch of people.

Are they dressed in...?

You should check it out. Just look it up, Furry.

(chuckles) Google "Furry," nice, yeah.

Hey, don't screw up this date, it's important.

♪

(imitates sneeze)

(sniffles)

(coughing)

How is Genevieve dating Sam?

Is Los Angeles that small?

You guys even listening to me?

Yeah, we're listening.

(gibbers)

What-what did Queen Ta Ta say?

Well, the ball's tonight, and Queen Ta Ta's got nothing to wear, so she's got to find a dress.

What the hell is this show?

Both: Poppycock Palace.

It's amazing.

Winston, when did you get sick?

You were fine this morning.

Oh, yeah, I'm super sick.

(imitates sneeze)

(sighs) Genevieve just said, "Oh."

Oh's, like, the worst.

What should I do?

Don't do anything.

Just do nothing.

Nick: You're just gonna make it worse.

Leave it alone, Jess.

Oh, I know.

I could go talk to Sam.

(nose blowing)

I could ask him to put in a good word for me.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

Two years? Two years is enough, right?

I swear to God, just leave it alone.

Schmidt: Let it lie.

Do nothing, Jess.

Four votes for leaving it alone.

That's what I'll do.

(all shouting)

I'll just do nothing.

Hi.

(chuckles)

I couldn't do nothing.

(groans)

(coughing)

(coughs)

We must find this Tee-Tee Wah Wah...

(sniffs loudly)

Humina humina humina humina...

(Nick groans)

(clears throat, Cece coughs)

(sniffling)

All these puppets do is sing about how they're friends.

I'm starting to not believe them.

(fanfare plays)

Shh!

This is the best part.

The Tee-Tee Wah Wah was in...

(drumroll plays)

It's in the damn Pee-Paw Playhouse!

Shh.

Spoiler alert, man.

The Pee-Paw Playhouse!

(laughing)

Every time.

I've been saying that for the past hour 'cause I saw you put it in there!

You know what?

I can't. I can not.

I'm not sick.

I've been faking it.

There you go, Poppycock Palace.

You've outed me!

You're choosing to be in here?

Why?

'Cause I'm freaking out about the date. Okay?

Why don't you want to go on this date?

Because I'm not over Aly.

And I know I should be moving on and this girl is okay, but she's not Aly.

(congested): No one is Aly.

What'd she say?

Wait.

Just hold.

Oh, please don't blow your nose.

You do it so disgustingly.

(blowing loudly)

Not done.

I don't need to know that bad what you said.

(Cece blowing nose loudly)

(continues blowing)

I'm beggin' you to stop. Just stop.

(sniffs wetly)

(coughs)

(clearly): No one is Aly.

Okay? You have to give other people a chance.

You deserve to be happy, Winston.

Just go on the date.

Or I could fire up another episode and we could see where they hide the Tee-Tee Wah Wah this time.

I wonder where it would be.

(breathing roughly)

No, I'm-I'm gonna go on the date.

Yeah, I think I'll do that.

You guys are right.

Could you tell your future husband to let me out of this room, please?

I love that man, but he is not letting anyone out of this room.

Just being in here makes you fully contaminated.

(puppets chattering happily)

Uh, hey, I was hoping you could put in a good word for me.

I know you're mad...

No, I'm not mad, Jess.

I'm just, you know, bummed that you're at my house.

Obviously, I know I messed up our relationship and you probably think I'm a bad person, but if you could...

Jess!

What are you doing here?

At my lover's house?

Oh!

Hi! Hi.

Um, were you...

Making love?

Just finished.

He defused me like a b*mb.

That sounds nice.

Um...

Did you bake...

Sam brownies?

No. Chocolate's way too sexual.

(laughs)

This is just good, old-fashioned Kansas cornbread.

Jess...

No. (chuckles)

...my gut is telling me this isn't going to work out.

Please give me a chance to make this right.

Five minutes.

Mmm...

(high-pitched): Mmm...

Okay, good morning.

Yes, help yourself to a bagel.

Hmm.

They're all the same, Jan.

No need to put your hands on every one of them.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, as you know, on the seventh day, God... he rested.

Yes, that's right.

God rested on the seventh day.

But the question remains: what did he rest on?

That's right.

He rested... on a chair.

(sneezes)

Oh...

Look underneath your butts.

You will find mankind's greatest invention.

(exhales)

Without chairs, do you know what we have?

Squat, both position and diddly kind.

Jess: Sam, you got rid of your sofa.

Boy, that thing really gave me a rash.

Five minutes, Jess.

Okay, look.

I know it's weird to hire your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, but I think it's another way in which we are linked.

You are the best candidate we've had in a long time.

Thank you.

As we all know, healing is talking.

Samuel, what do you think?

I would love to explore all of this with you, but I have a circumcision to perform.

Hopefully not your own.

Just kidding. I know you're circumcised.

Ha, ha. Yeah.

Well, not that I think about it, it just...

I mean, I'm definitely not picturing it right now.

I am picturing it.

Only 'cause we talked about it.

How long did you two share your journeys?

Couple months.

But at first it was just sex.

Mmm. Mmm.

Sam: I used sex as a wall around my heart.

Mmm.

Uh, Jess climbed that wall many, many times.

Mmm.

Uh, couldn't stop climbing it.

I think I was not the only climber to climb that wall.

Until we decided to become a one-wall, one-climber mountain.

And then you invited another climber to lick your toehold.

My roommate, Nick, kissed me.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

I exist only in the present.

All of that's behind me.

What... what about this Nick?

Is he sorry?

I think Nick's kind of still upset that Sam punched him in the throat.

What?

Sam... so tender and delicate...

You haven't met Nick.

He's just the most throat-punchable boy in all the world.

I don't care. I don't even...

Nick is a whatever, I don't even have to...

Sam, do you need this Nick to apologize for wounding you?

I do.

Jess: So, Nick...

I'm wondering if you could come in the other room with me and just, like, real quick, apologize to Sam for kissing me?

No.

Jess, I told you to leave it alone.

I didn't, though.

I made it worse.

Now the only way I'm gonna get that job is if Nick apologizes to Sam.

Jess, he hit me. He's gonna hit me again.

He's not gonna hit you.

Please, it's my dream job.

(puppets chattering)

I'd like to apologize, Nick, for punching you in the throat.

I know it hurt a whole lot.

Not that much, but you did it, so...

Okay.

And I feel like you should apologize to me for kissing my girlfriend.

Yes, uh, right.

Cool.

(exhales) Well, that went so well.

I-I don't really feel like that was a genuine apology, and-and I'd really like one.

Yeah.

I mean... did you feel like it was genuine?

Actually, he didn't even apologize.

Cool beard, Sam.

What'd you just say about my beard, bro?

"Bro"?

Yeah, I just said "cool beard."

I think your beard looks really cool.

Talk about my beard one more time, bro.

Sam, "bro" is a beach term.

The beard is very fun.

Say "beard."

You want me to say the word that starts with a "B," ends with a "D"?

Yeah.

Say "beard" one more time, bro.

Say the word "beard," bro!

(quietly): Beard.

(grunts)

Oh! Oh!

Nick, are you dying?

'Cause it looks like you're dying!

Not dying.

Who are you?

I don't know what it is.

I just can't help it with this guy.

Why didn't you just hit me in the nads like a normal person, Sam?

Well, I'm leaving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't, don't go!

Nobody goes.

Jim Morrison.

That's who you look like.

We are solving this conflict in the mother-loving Feelings Farm.

Those sunglasses are amazing.

Well, they're made even more amazing by your reflection in them.

Wait, how are you seeing my reflection in them?

You got me. I'm not.

(both laugh)

I'm just running game.

Are you this smooth-talking in regular glasses?

No, I'm not that smooth-talking, no.

I'm not. I'm not gonna lie to you.

Jess: Honesty, I stole coffee from a bagel restaurant.

Um, I didn't know how the line worked.

Okay, now I've talked.

Uh, who wants to go next... Sam?

Sure, uh, Honesty, I honestly want Nick to apologize for kissing Jess.

I did apologize, Sam.

Real, real quick... you have to address Honesty directly.

You want me to talk to a chair?

(quietly): I don't want to.

Hey, you like soup?

Right? You like soup, right?

Of course I like soup.

All right, well, address the chair and I'll make you some soup.

Nick: No strings attached.

Well, except for the string of the chair.

All right.

Honesty, I'm, uh, sorry I ki...

You know what? I'm not.

I'm not sorry that I kissed your girlfriend.

'Cause, first of all, she wanted me to!

And it was fun.

It felt great.

And then we dated for a long time and that was fun.

You were out of the picture, not even in her thoughts.

It was a whole new thing. We just, we fell in love with each other, like crazy love... like, a lot of good memories, a lot of passion.

A lot of good sex.

Nick.

We once tried to sneak into the Kids' Choice Awards, and we got in and watched a bunch of kids get awards.

So, yeah.

Nick.

Topped...

Okay.

I have a fever of 103 and I'm talking to a chair and I'm not a great talk...

O-Okay.

Cool, cool.

Well, I think everything's good then.

Sam, I can feel you holding back.

If you can't be honest now in this strange place to that hideous chair, how can I trust you with my mind, my breasts and my precious yoni.

Sounds like it's full of yarn. (laughs)

Okay, fine. Honesty, all right, I... had a really hard time opening up to someone and then I met Jess and... and I thought we were...

We were great together.

And then Nick kissed her, and I-I went down kind of a weird path.

I gained 85 pounds.

And then I lost, like, 100.

I had no idea.

Poured almost all my money into silkworms.

They froze to death.

Now I'm doing yoga, meditation, and... I'm a vegan and I don't know.

What the hell have I become?

Look at these shoes, huh?

Look at these ridiculous shoes!

I like those shoes.

They're made from recycled shoes.

They are so dumb!

I don't know who I am!

I want to go back to who I was!

There he is.

The real Sam.

Wow!

(exclaiming)

What a breakthrough! Sam.

It is an honor to meet you.

I'm Genevieve.

And I am also dumping you.

Okay, that's great.

That's perfect, yeah.

As usual, I have had a terrible time in your horrible loft with all of you idiot people.

Sam, wait!

If you take your bike, will you relock mine?

Thank you.

Oh, Genevieve, I am so sorry.

Don't be, don't be.

I wanted a resolution and I got one.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my childhood phone number and scream at whoever picks up.

I'll see you Monday.

Wait, I got the job?

Of course you did.

This was one of the most profound Feelings Farm I have ever been a part of.

Radical, Jess, radical.

Uh, yeah, I have questions about where to park and stuff, but you know, I'll just, uh, I'll text you!

Ha!

(door closes)

What if the big letter comes back?

I can't believe it just took a high fever for me to like this show.

Not if it's silent!

Well, I hate it.

Why is the Crispy Castle bigger than Mount Tummy Tum?

It's dang gibberish.

How was your presentation?

(groans) Well, thank you for asking.

It was a disaster.

We can expect robust grow...

(snorts)

Are you holding in a sneeze?

(quietly): Mm-mm.

(quiet sneeze)

God, where did it even go?

(chuckles)

(sneezing)

Son of a bitch.

How did I get sick? I was so careful.

You did the best you could. I have no idea, man.

We're missing Poppycock.

You guys,

I hate that Sam's out there mad at me.

Because he's mad at you or because you still have feelings for him?

Because he's mad at me. If I could just...

All: Leave it alone. Leave it alone, Jess.

Right. You're right.

Wow, you shaved.

I mean, not "wow" like I like it.

I mean... I don't not like it.

What are you doing here? I, I don't want your cornbread.

It's not cornbread. It's, uh, it's brownies.

(laughs) Um...

Hey, I'm sorry we broke up.

And I think for me it was just... weird timing.

But I agree with you.

We were... great together.

Really great.

(both chuckle)

Get out of my life.

Big shift in tone there.

(sighs)

Eh, Nick'll eat 'em.