05x15 - Jeff Day

[bunniefuu]

How do you spell "boudoir"?

I'm so far off, I'm not getting the auto-correct.

So which girl are you texting now, the coffin-maker?

Oh, you're thinking about Jamie.

Nah, nah. She kinda disappeared into her busy season, so this is Rhonda.

Oh, is this the girl with the yogurt mouth?

That's Simi Valley Sue.

Rhonda is Willem Dafoe's assistant.

No, she's n... Rhonda's the army reservist.

Boy, you are on such a tear with the ladies, Winston.

(whistles) Your boy cleanin' up.

Not thinking about Aly.

And Rhonda, you know, she's cool, man.

I'm having the most fun with her.

She really keeps me on my toes.

And y'all know Winston love being on his toes.

Definitely, definitely.

You know, actually, she's poppin' by later.

You guys will get to meet her before the wedding.

Before the... she's coming to our wedding?

Yes. Winston, you're gonna bring this flavor of the month to our wedding?

Well, I was...

She's gonna be in wedding photos?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, gather round, grandchildren.

Look at Uncle Winston, and this woman who is not Willem Dafoe's assistant.

Well, I am excited to meet her.

Can you tell us some basics?

Her-her last name, her rank...

Yeah, I don't know any of that stuff.

I've only been on two dates with her, so...

Two dates, how do we even know that she's fighting for our army?

Hey! Are we looking at the owner of a new used car?

No. (scoffs) I wish.

Billy from Car County started playing misogynist bingo with me as soon as I walked in the door.

He called me "dollface."

Started pointing out all the room in the trunk for my shopping bags.

Then, he explained four-wheel drive to me.

I don't need four-wheel drive explained.

It's very well named.

Like World Series of Poker champion, Chris Moneymaker.

Continue, though.

Okay, you know how you get back at this guy?

Huh. You do the entire thing online.

You set up an e-mail address, but under a dude's name.

Yes. I love it.

Help! Help!

There's some lunatic after me! (yelling)

Oh, my God!

Call 911!

Call 911!

Please, somebody help me.

(everyone yelling at once)

Winston! Winston, go...!

Jess: Oh, my God! Stay there! Wait!

Don't pull it out.

(laughing)

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

(both laughing)

You just got Rhonda'd.

(laughing)

Rhonda'd!

(Rhonda and Winston laughing)

What's your last name?

I'm almost done with my "Jeff Day" e-mail to the dealer.

I've constructed a very rich back story for him.

Listen to this, listen to this.

Okay.

He wrote this while on break from his job, which is hanging telephone line.

He should have a desk job by now, but the ground has always been trouble for him.

Yeah, the poles are safer.

And sometimes, at dusk, he can see his buddies from Desert Storm dancing in the static.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, it's okay.

So you need a dude pass before you send it off, right?

No, I don't need a dude pass.

No, no. Listen to this.

My wife is on my nuts.

I need two grand off the MSRP.

Go, Clips.

Go, Clips! Good, yeah.

Hey, Nick, if anyone's gonna give Jess a dude pass, it's gonna be me.

A dude pass.

Not a pretty-boy pass.

Not a "I make my money from my mind" pass.

Not a "I look like the cute benchwarmer on an NBA team, "but I'm not good enough to play."

Are you done?

After I take my dude pass, why don't you take a short guy pass?

Why don't you take a snake voice pass?

Is it frustrating for you when you go to concerts and you can't see the stage 'cause you're so short?

It can be.

It can be!

I know we're in an awkward situation.

I used to date Nick, now I'm dating Sam, again.

I thought we were over all this.

And now every time I turn around, you guys are in some kind of turf w*r.

Are we in a turf w*r? I didn't even notice, you punk.

This can't go on forever.

Let's just get our emotions out there.

Let's just express ourselves...

I'm good. I don't...

I got nothing.

Yeah, I mean, everything's fine.

You feel good?

Yeah, I feel great.

You feel good, I feel good.

Yeah, I got nothing to talk about, yeah.

We're good, man.

I don't feel nothin' towards you man.

You can spit on the bottom of my shoe, dude.

(Winston laughing)

Let's...

Schmidt: This is what you want for our nuptials?

Shenanigans?

This is our wedding, Cece, not "Ernest Goes to Our Wedding."

Can't we just revoke Winston's plus one?

Okay, look, I'm sure there's more to Rhonda than just pranks, all right?

We owe it to Winston to get to know her.

Well, let's start at the beginning.

Tell us about your childhood. Where'd you grow up?

Well, I grew up in Baltimore.

Oh.

I don't like to talk about it around new people, but we were homeless.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

It was tough.

We didn't have money for food, clothes, toys.

My brother and I adopted a rat.

I remember, we called the rat Singular Wireless.

He was sweet.

Until he ate my brother's pinkie toe clean off.

(quietly): What?

He bit it like a baby carrot.

Just (snapping).

It woke me up.

That snap, that snap.

In the end, we laughed about it, 'cause what else can you do?

Just Singular being Singular.

Gosh darn it.

(sighing)

He ran away after a while... my brother, not the rat... he didn't get far, obviously, not with nine toes.

Listen, it wasn't a great childhood, and I know that I come on strong, but I guess, if I can scare people with my pranks, then I know I'm not the only one who's scared.

What a cruel, terrible world we live in.

I had no idea.

I'm so, so, so, sorry.

(both guffawing)

You're stupid, Schmidt.

And you're-you're stupid, too, Cece, Stupid.

Okay, wait, so the en... the en... the entire story is a lie?

Rhon. Da'd.

Pow-pow.

Need a little more of this.

Anybody else want some, uh, wine?

Oh, no, thanks.

I salted it.

(Rhonda guffaws)

You salted the wine? How is that even a prank?

You just told her that you salted it before she took a sip.

Unless of course that the prank is that there's no salt in it.

(spits)

(guffawing)

Yes, there's salt.

There's most definitely salt in that.

(laughing)

This is delightful.

Mr. Day, I, too, love Sons of Anarchy.

You drive a pretty hard bargain.

I agree to your terms!

You just have to sign the papers in person.

I'm at the dealership for another hour.

Ah, I did not think this through.

(sighing, groaning)

Nick... I have hit a snag in my car buying.

I'm not surprised you came to me.

I heard you and, uh, Dr. Trap-Jaw last night, and he climaxes like a woman.

That was me.

Then you sound like a woman when you climax.

I am a woman.

What's your point?

We're still on your point.

I'm waiting for you to wrap it up.

My point is... your car deal went south, and so you need Nick Miller to twist some nips for you, yeah?

Nope. The nips have already been twisted.

All I need right now is someone to pretend to be Jeff Day.

And I would ask Sam, but he's in a procedure all day.

He's de-webbing some kid's toes.

It sounds whimsical, but it's actually very serious.

Why would you go to him?

He cannot close this deal for you, Jess.

The deal has already been closed.

Right now, I just need, literally, any man.

(chuckling)

If I could wish a mannequin to life, I would.

(both laughing)

Oh, Jessica.

You understand that fate fused that kid's toes together.

And Dr. Sam is the man for that job, but I'm the man for this job.

So if you excuse me, let me get my Julius Pepperwood disguise.

Wait, no, no, no. You don't understand.

I just need you to pretend to be Jeff Day.

Well, I need some sort of disguise.

Absolutely not.

What about a mustache?

That's a disguise.

Not if I grow one.

We're in the car in ten minutes.

You gonna grow a mustache in ten minutes?

No man could do that.

Scientifically impossible.

Hey, I guess science always wins, right?

See ya in the car.

Jess: All right, now remember, Jeff Day is a lovable schnook, who makes sausage in his spare time.

You work for the phone company, so you call the phones "units."

All right, what's my back story?

Units, that's good. Uh, you're my wife.

You spend all day making sausages, and clucking with the other hens on the kitchen unit.

No, no. I'm a disgraced ice-skating sensation.

I got ex-communicated from the sport for protesting that nudie fabric.

And then I broke my butt.

Right, and which toe is webbed?

Ugh, Nick, that's real life.

Ugh. This is gonna be a disaster.

Abort, abort.

Dollface!

You're back!

Hi. I am, I am.

Um, I believe you've been e-mailing with my husband Jeff.

Jeff Day.

Lover of meats, enemy of nonsense.

Put her there. (laughs)

Nice mustache.

My guy.

All right.

Oh, excuse me for a minute.

I have to go feed the meter.

Uh, excu... before you go, can you please fill us in on all active pranks at this table?

I think you found them all, okay?

Relax.

Oh, wait! Winston...

I put a watch battery in your huevos rancheros.

(Rhonda laughs)

In the huevos?

No, you did not.

Winston, she's been sitting down this whole time.

Does she have someone working with her in the kitchen?

Can you explain to me how that's funny?

'Cause you could have cracked a molar or choked to death.

(laughing) It's hilarious.

'Cause what if I choke on the battery?

You know what I mean?

Or if the battery breaks open inside of me, you know? and causes all kinds of... no?

What-what? You guys don't like her?

Mm...

Uh...

And I mean, look, I get it.

She might not be the one, but come on, at least we're having fun, right?

We gave her a chance, okay, Winston?

But I am scared to touch my food, and I don't want to feel that way at our wedding.

Yes.

Winston, it brings me no joy to do this, whatsoever, but I'm revoking your plus one.

You gave me that plus one, which means I can bring anyone.

Plus one means plus anyone.

For the Schmidt-Parikh wedding, it's a plus the one.

You just had that one locked and loaded, didn't you?

Excuse me, sir? Here's your check.

Oh, my God!

That's my face. Why is that my face?

Ha-ha!

(laughing)

Winston: No, no, no, no.

Save it.

It's gonna be wasted on these two.

Let's get out of here.

How did she get a mask of my face?

Oh... (scoffs) did they just stick us with the bill?

N... no.

She left, like, $300.

Who does this prank?

Thanks for meeting with us.

I don't know... what made me think I could have possibly bought a car by myself.

You were right to get your hubby involved.

Now, Mr. Day, your mind seemed pretty made up over e-mail.

Look, Billy, I wish, uh, we could get twin hogs, but then the missus would stop giving me that sweet potato pie.

You know Jeff Day, I need my sweet potato pie every four hours.

Ain't that right, baby?

I married a hungry man.

Billy: If you're open to other options, we just got a consignment of vehicles that we are looking to move at rock bottom prices.

I had my heart set on that cute little car that you showed me in that e-mail you wrote.

(chuckles)

Had a really big makeup mirror, and I sure was excited about it.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, buh-buh...

There's no harm in hearing what the catch of the day is, right?

No harm.

Exactly.

Billy, Jeff needs to take his omega-3 pill.

Could you grab us a glass of water?

Not a problem.

I got a bad ticker myself.

Not... uh... I had him right where I wanted him.

He's trying to bait and switch us, and you're gobbling it up like an old king with a turkey leg.

You're leaving money on the table.

I can smell it.

Watch. I'm gonna string him along, and then I'm going to get you a better deal.

He thinks he's fishing for me.

Nah, I'm fishing for him, but from the water.

You're in way over your head.

Right where a fish wants to be.

Here's your water, and... take as many mouse pads as you want.

Quit stalling me.

Smart.

Tell me about the secret stash, Billy.

These vehicles are a lot bigger than what you were e-mailing about.

Well, a car can never be too big, and a pot can never be too sweet.

(mouthing)

I hear ya, so I guess, don't waste your time with anything smaller than a two liter?

Two liter?

I want a car, not a Mountain Dew.

(all laughing)

You want to send this girl out on to the road with a little bulk, in case she gets hit, or more likely, hits someone, am I right? (laughs)

While she's text messaging.

They can't stop.

They're beautiful, but... (boinging)

(laughing): I like you.

Honey, don't forget how much research you put in.

You don't want to throw that all away, like I did with my skating career.

Jeff, you clearly know your way around an engine.

What are we talkin', 5.0?

You want the bird to sing in my underpants, I'm gonna need double digits.

Oh, yeah, Jeff. baby!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

It's gonna sing.

Boom.

(cell phone chiming)

You get me.

(Billy and Nick laughing, making goofy noises)

Excuse me. I have to take this.

It's Oksana Baiul. Honey, get the car I want, or the only pie you'll be eating is out of the garbage.

(laughs)

Hey, I thought you were de-webbing.

Well, it took less time than I thought.

Yeah, he only wanted his big toe free, so he could wear flip-flops.

How's the new car?

Ugh!

Don't make a thing out of it, but I had to ask Nick to be Jeff Day.

You asked Nick for help, not me?

Well, you were in surgery, and he was the only person I could find, but he's screwing it up so much that I really wish I'd "Reverse-Tootsie'd."

Of course he's screwing up. He's a little human porkchop.

I'm on my way.

Wait, don't come. Don't come.

I could be Jeff Day.

I just need to find a fake mustache.

What is it with you guys and mustaches?

Look, I have the situation un-under control.

Cutting Winston's plus one creates a real ripple effect.

Jason gets bumped from 14.

Ruthie gets bumped from 6, landing Tyler right next to the bar, which feels like tempting fate.

Yeah, you know what? The more I think about it, we may have judged Rhonda a little too harshly.

Maybe you're right. You know what?

If Winston is happy, with Lady Kutcher, we should support him.

What's the worst that can happen?

Maybe she'll put some cellophane over the toilet bowls.

Hopefully, my Uncle Randy doesn't get (door opens, closes) fired up at the buffet.

Hey, guys.

We were just talking, and we're sorry about earlier.

Oh, listen, I've been thinking about what you said, and maybe you're right.

I want the woman that I bring to your wedding to be special.

Special like... my wife.

(laughing)

Both: We got married!

(laughing)

What?!

You got married!

Well, look, you guys said to be more serious, and nothing's more serious than holy matrimony.

I mean, this is what you guys wanted, right?

No! No! This is insane.

And we were totally out of bounds in the first place.

We never should have interfered in your love life.

No.

Got you again!

Boom!

That's what we needed to hear.

Huh? Wait. What?

What, so you... wait a minute.

You're not actually married?

(laughing)

Oh, thank... thank goodness.

It was... it was just a prank.

It was just a prank. Okay.

Just a prank.

How did you guys get such a realistic marriage certificate?

Does it look realistic?

Oh, that's good. They did a good job on it, 'cause it's a hundred percent real.

We got you.

We found a same-day chapel, and then we got married, as a prank.

Wha-uh...?

So-so you really did get married?

Y'all can't keep up.

How is really getting married, Winston, a prank?

The authenticity of the marriage is what makes it a great prank.

Come on, guys.

Yeah.

Says who?

Hold on. wh... no, please.

Let them explain. Please explain.

We've already explained it.

A simple prank is a strong prank.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Let's just say... I don't know, I told you that I cut my pinkie finger off, and then I actually cut my pinkie finger off.

Rhonda: Mm.

Is that a prank?

Is that a prank?

Well, I would not see that coming.

Okay.

Different direction.

Let-let's say that I-I told you that I invested all of my money into boogie boards.

That's just a lie.

And then I took you to my accountant's office, and sitting behind the desk was just a little crab in sunglasses.

Hmm, still sounds like a lie.

And then my real accountant came out and showed you the books and, in fact, I had invested all of money in boogie boards.

That's definitely a prank.

Yeah, that would get me.

That's-that's a good one.

That's crazy, yeah.

That's a good one.

Rhonda: That's a good one.

I don't understand this.

Okay, so this is like a lifelong prank?

Oh, no, no, we're getting it annulled tomorrow.

Oh, right.

Rhonda: Tonight's the honeymoon.

Listen, a little marriage advice...

I would know because I'm married... a happy wife, uh, a happy life.

Have you heard the saying before?

Mm.

I'm questioning everything right now.

I swear, I swear... I swear...

He's about 5'10".

Maybe a mustache.

Sometimes he just sits in the bathroom buying music.

Do you think you could check in there?

Is that him in the RV?

Oh, no.

He wouldn't be in an RV.

He is, he is. That's him in the RV.

You look natural behind the wheel of that baby.

I felt like myself for the first time in my life.

Jess: Hey, Jeff.

Where were you, and why weren't you answering your unit?

Excuse me.

Excu... yeah.

Good stuff, Billy. Thank you.

Ow.

Is this you doing your plan?

I don't know.

He keeps changing things up.

He's very good at his job.

Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Jeff Day.

My brother.

Geoff with a "G."

Yeah, I came as soon as I could.

Jess: I don't know why.

I explicitly told you not to.

Nick: Yeah, why don't you take a hike? No one needs you here.

The reason she came to me first.

Sorry, Billy.

There's a little bit of bad blood between my brother and my husband.

She may have come to you for help, but you're clearly not getting the job done, which is why she'll always come back for my help.

As soon as you get a helping of my help, you're never the same.

No one helps me better than I help myself.

I told you if you'd just guide me.

Let's not get into that now.

I don't really know what you guys are talking about, but are you still buying the RV?

No! I'm not buying an RV.

Honey, he's giving us a great price.

Why don't you get those numbers?

Don't get those numbers.

Why don't you go get them?

Stay right there.

Why do women always bring your drama in here?

Oh, you're blaming me?

Hah! All right.

I'd like to test-drive my car right now.

I showed you where all the mirrors are, right?

(engine revs)

(Sam and Nick screaming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(all yelling at once)

Now you guys are listening to me!

Get ready for the scariest test-drive of your lives.

♪ Simply the best... ♪

I don't care if you're hot.

I'm always cold!

Nick: Slow down!

Sam: Oh, man, this speed...

Nick: God!

Billy: Oh, God!

You're gonna give me what I want.

I can't give you a thing until I talk to my manager.

You're talking to me. I know you need to get rid of this 2017.

It's the end of the month.

I know you haven't made your nut.

Okay, I'll give you the original deal.

The one from the e-mail.

You'll do better.

I want Bluetooth.

(men screaming)

I want voice activation.

Billy: Oh, God! No, no!

Sam: No, no, no, no, no! No!

Whoa! Okay, okay... Okay-kay-kay...

I want to feel like I'm driving a spaceship.

Anything you want.

Nick: That's impressive.

Oh, that was impressive.

You're really good at this, Jess.

Really good.

Now for you two, jokers.

I'm sorry I went rogue, Jess.

I'm sorry, too.

You told me not to come, but I did.

Don't apologize to me.

Talk to each other.

Figure out a way to both be in my life.

Otherwise, I'm gonna turn the heat up to 90.

I'm gonna turn the radio to Pink.

And I am going to find a cobblestone street.

Oh, no, please don't. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Shut up, Billy!

You have a little boy's name.

You are so mean!

Now solve it.

Deal with your emotions.

Jess, you don't get it.

The stuff between Sam and I is deep guy stuff.

It's untalkable.

That's right. I punched him twice.

And I stole his girlfriend.

We're talking about adultery and v*olence.

That part of the male brain has not been civilized.

So you're just gonna feud forever?

I'll teach my sons to hate his sons and I expect the same from him.

You got it.

Thank you.

If you insist on hating each other, do it while I'm not around.

The moment I walk in the room, I want some convincing dude on dude friendship stuff.

I want high-fives.

I want golf tips.

When a hot waitress walks by, I want to see a real nudge-nudge.

Hubba, hubba.

Billy: Keep your hands on the wheel!

Nick: Easy! Jess!

(men clamoring)

I can do it if he can.

I can do it even if he can't do it.

(laughs)

Are you wearing a fake mustache?

Yeah.

Thanks for coming to my annulment, guys.

Yeah, well, we should get to know your ex-wife.

Yeah, like, did she make that mask of my face, or does she have a mask guy?

Rhonda's in here.

Is it weird that I'm a little nervous?

Yes.

Yeah.

Rhonda.

Will you make me the most hilarious man in the world by being my ex...

(all screaming)

Come on!

Rhonda's a boy! Rhonda's a boy!

You ain't Rhonda.

Winston Bishop?

Y-y-yes.

I'm supposed to play you this.

Oh, here we go.

Winston, I think we should postpone our annulment.

Until you put the pieces of your mind back together.

(laughing, imitates sh**ting g*n)

I wish I could see your face right now.

But I can't, because I got called up for duty.

Bye-bye, hubby.

(nervous laugh) That's...

Wait, so we're still married.

Yeah.

But then how... but then how you gon... we were... we were co-pranksters.

How you gonna prank your co-prankster?

Hmm... I get it.

I finally get the prank now, man.

You got Rhonda'd.

I made Billy my baby.

I made that little bitch a bottle, right guys?

You did a great job, honey.

You did awesome.

What a terrific hybrid vehicle.

I'm glad that the previous owner scraped off all the "Co-exist" bumper stickers.

So I have no options.

I have no options. Okay, well...

Sleep with both eyes open, you idiot.

It's one eye, you idiot.

Cut your chance in half, you idiot.

Idiot.

Hey, don't bill me for this.

Sorry, that was my divorce lawyer.

What?!

Yeah, it's been a day. So I got married.

Then my wife was shipped overseas.

And I remain married.

What? Who? When? How? What?

Yeah, he married Rhonda. As a prank.

Wait, you're really married, Winston?

I-I'm not sure I understand the prank.

The prank is, is that Winston's on the hook to send care packages to Germany for the next six months.

Rhonda'd.

Guys, let's just celebrate how hilarious my situation is, and in a very real way, don't tell my mama.

♪ You're simply the best! ♪