05x18 - A Chill Day In

[bunniefuu]

All: Road trip!

Nick: See you guys.

Jess: Have a good time.

Schmidt: Let's go.

We're just gonna have a chill day in.

Winston: Road trip!

Nick: Yeah!

I said, "Chill day in..." but did I mean it?

[laughs]

Wait, I thought we were having a chill day.

Oh... we are...

Oh, good... not.

Welcome to your bachelorette party 2.0.

I got... the nail polish.

Mm.

I got comfy socks.

Okay.

I have Canadian Broadcast Television's 1985 masterpiece, Anne of Green Gables.

Good ol' A.G.G.

But, oh, wait... who invited this little green chimney?

I-it's a bong.

Yeah.

Oh, scoot, once every ten years, Jessica Day likes to partake in what the Native Americans call cannabis.

That's Latin.

I like to call it Giggle Dirt.

You know, we really don't have to do this, because every time you smoke weed you almost die.

I'm gonna Jackass into these melons!

Ah...

Ah...

♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Oh, my God ♪
♪ Return of high Jess ♪
♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Return of high Jess ♪
♪ Once again ♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪

[whoops]

♪ Top of the world ♪
♪ Return of the mack, watch my flow... ♪

Anne Shirley... what in heck are you doing?

Fishing for lake trout.

Hey.

Hmm?

Gilbert: For lake trout?

Remember Coach?

[laughing]: Oh, yeah.

Where is he?

♪

Anne, wait, wait a minute.

I was just down at the post office to see if the Queens results...

Like, why... like, why... like why are Gilbert's lips so sexual?

Wait a minute, you ninny, we tied for first place, you and I.

Man, I...

I-I love Schmidt, you know I love Schmidt, but I would throw it all away for Gilbert.

I would just ruin my life to that boy.

I'm just sorry you had to share it with me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

The very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don't work.

Oh, my God, I... my hearing is, like, so good without my glasses on.

I'm, like... a super hear-o.

Just... eating up sounds with my ear mouths.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, wait till you try that.

Okay.

Put them on.

It's like my hearing is, like, what a dog hears.

Anne: and I was calmly waiting for it.

I can hear the TV.

I can hear the TV.

I can hear the TV.

[sighs]

Man.

Oh, my God.

Okay, this stuff is really strong.

Where did you get it?

I know people... through you.

So, it's just gonna be me and Cece, uh, but I want to, you know, throw a little... gasoline on the fire, if you know what I mean.

I have Russian nesting doll.

Uh-oh.

It's grenade.

Just looking for a little weed, Nadia.

And what the heck, throw in that bag of kettle corn, too.

[laughs]

[knocking on door]

Oh, scoot!

You got me a stripper?!

So, uh, you want me to sign my package, or...

Wait, I think he's just a...

A man... trying to do my job for the U.S. Postal Service, not a stripper.

Yes, I dance.

Yes, I'm sexy... but I don't do it professionally.

Now, could you please just sign here?

Your calves look like a snake swallowed a bag of ropes. You know that, right?

I'm sorry for my friend objectifying you, but in her defense, you are fine as hell.

Fine as hell!

I know you're not a stripper, but is there any way you could just take your short pants off?

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

Have a nice day.

Om, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Nom, nom, nom.

Sorry.

Very sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

But we are not sorry about that.

Keep walking away there!

Oh, keep... slow... it down there for a second.

[whooping]

Ay-ay-ay.

Ooh...

[yelling grito]

[both catcalling]

Smack that! Sorry.

Ooh.

[grunts]

I think this is a gift from our registry.

Wait, don't open it!

What if I-inside of it is us, but we're older?

I've no clue what this is.

You know, Schmidt handled everything from the registry.

[scanner beeping]

Crockpot!

Kettle, kettle!

Espresso maker!

Trivet!

Melon baller!

It's a bread maker?

From... oh, from Schmidt's mom.

"Cece, this bread maker couldn't be easier to use."

"It has one button."

"Even you can do it with a few tries."

"Ha, ha, Louise."

What does that mean?!

Oh, no.

She...

Oh, no!

I mean, is she trying to say that I can't even push one button?

She doesn't think that I can take care of her precious, little boy.

She doesn't like that Schmidt does all the cooking...

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

This simple bitch wants you to be some kind of June Cleaver, Betty Draper, Carol Brady wifey?!

Mm-mm.

It is the 21st century!

Uh-huh.

Fifth generation feminism!

Keep going.

Work-life balance!

We need to rise up.

Yeah!

22% less pay for the same job?!

Don't tell me what to wax!

Sideburn where my thigh turn.

You know what we need to do to this thing?!

Bake bread in it!

Wait, wait, wait!

What, what?!

You'll do a lot more damage with this.

This is why I love you.

Homemade bread's for Europeans!

That's right!

Yeah!

U.S.A.!

Both: U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Oh, my God, I just realized some day I'm gonna have to speak at my mother's funeral.

Wow.

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

[phone ringing]

U.S.A.! - U.S.A.!

Oh, wait... hey!

We're coming up on the rental place right now.

I just got an e-mail notification that our first wedding gift has arrived.

Oh, y-you did?

Spoiler alert, it's a bread maker.

Bread maker.

Cece, do me a favor and bring it inside.

It's in the hallway right now.

Yeah, I'll-I'll go...

I'll go get the... the bread maker and bring it inside, in one piece, safe and sound.

I love you so much, I got to go.

Schmidt, Nick, Winston: Bread maker!

[phone beeps off]

This was shipped like this so we are gonna need a new one.

You obviously broke this yourself.

Uh...

[laughs]

You obviously broke it yourself.

Yup.

No.

[Jess laughs]

You crushed it with your mind.

Okay, you're calling me a witch?

No, no, no, a sorceress, A sorceress.

You just have magical powers, you don't like...

I don't know how I can help you today.

It's like that episode of... remember that episode?

Yeah.

Of that... yeah.

[sighs]

So...

Okay, so, like, um... how-how much would it... would it be to replace it?

It's $1,200.

Is there a store in the mall that sells $1,200 for, like, $50?

How is this thing so expensive?

Jess: Aly!

What are you doing here?

Seriously?

We just had this conversation outside the mall.

Hey.

Jess: Aly!

What are you doing here?

You don't... remember that?

No, no, I do, I do.

You don't, do you?

I don't.

[Jess laughs]

I don't.

I do.

Really?

No.

Okay.

It's Cece's bachelorette party.

Yeah...

It's Cece's bachelorette party.

Oh, yeah.

You do remember it?

No. [laughs]

Don't remember it?

Mm-mm.

Anyway... this is my super present boyfriend, Tripp.

I'm sorry, he's dealing with a very important work crisis right now, since he's an agent for animal actors.

Fine, fine!

Hire Colonel Fantastic instead of Maurice.

You want to walk onto Alfonso Cuarón's set and tell him that he lost his lead otter, be my-be my guest, okay.

Who's gonna get her in the water with Naomi Watts?

Colonel Fantastic?

Yeah, right.

It's my fifth year anniversary of being a cop and he's supposed to make me dinner... if he ever gets off the phone.

Hey, babe, I need a left-handed spatula, okay?

Don't tell me it's not a thing; it's a thing.

Soul mates do exist.

[laughs]

What a wang.

[both chuckle]

You know what?

Hmm?

[gasps]

I'm gonna tell Aly that Winston's in love with her!

No, Winston would k*ll you.

Okay, I'll just text Winston and I'll get him up to speed on Aly and Tripp.

[humming]: Nailed it.

Excuse me, are you actually gonna buy something?

Yeah, we need to buy another bread maker, 'cause you claim we "destroyed" this one "with a stick."

I never said stick and we're out of stock.

Well, maybe that's what you said.

You destroyed this thing with the stock.

Is that what you did?

You b*at this with a stick?

No, I didn't, I said you said... you said stick.

But I didn't say stick.

I never said stick.

I don't even have a stick.

I live downtown.

Well, we're-we're out of stock, so...

But you-you have one right there.

[gasps]

Oh... that's the floor model.

Can't sell the floor model.

Yes, you... it's right there.

It's right there.

We need it to sell other bread makers.

You just said you don't have other bread makers.

I don't make the rules.

Who makes the rules?

Derek.

[inhaling]

Definitely too high No, I cannot deal to talk to Derek. with Derek right now.

Okay, I have a really good plan, all right?

We just leave this here and then we go do something different.

Jessica, that is the first thing that Schmidt and I own together and I ruined it.

I have to do something.

I have to replace it.

[sighs]

Okay.

Man: ♪ Feel like baking love ♪
♪ Feel like baking love ♪

What?

How does it know we're here?

♪ Feel like baking love... ♪

What's happening?

♪ Feel like ♪
♪ F-feel like baking ♪
♪ Feel like baking love ♪

[whispering]: Psst! Hey...

♪ Feel like baking love ♪
♪ Feel like-feel like ♪

Snap out of it, snap out of it.

♪ Feel like baking love, feel like ♪

Get down. Snap out of it.

♪ Feel like... feel like baking love ♪
♪

[sighs]

[grunts] Get this puppy...

[clattering]

♪ Feel like baking love ♪
♪

Should we get snacks?

♪ Feel like baking love ♪
♪ Feel like baking love ♪
♪ Feel like baking love ♪

[whispering]: Go, go!

No, he won't wear glasses.

Uh, because he's not a library owl, he's a horror movie owl.

Look, we're gonna do your cop dinner thing tomorrow.

[sighs]

Yeah, this is just how I wanted to celebrate a major milestone.

[gasps] What's happening there?

Forget it, okay? Just go.

And I hope your owl chokes on a mouse.

That is so mean.

I've seen that happen.

[gasps] Did they just break up?

This is huge for Winston.

What are you... what... Hey, Jess, move.

Jess, move, come on. Keep moving.

Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Almost there, almost there.

Aly: Ugh.

Oh!

Tripp just took off.

What, uh... are... what are you guys doing?

Both: Nothing.

Do you need help with that box?

Nope.

No, we're good.

It looks heavy, I can help you.

No, you don't want to get involved, trust me.

Please, don't make me say it.

Fine, I'll say it.

I don't really want to be alone right now, and so... can I please just... like, come help you guys make bread or whatever?

Aw, of course, yeah. Let's go.

Got to go quickly, got to go quickly.

Yeah, yeah, let's go, let's go.

Did you trash the display?

Is that a stolen floor model?

Back off!

Do these ladies look like shoplifters to you?

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

This isn't how you handcuff people.

It's mall jail.

I only have two handcuffs.

I'm an actual cop.

[laughing]: Yeah, right.

I'm a cop!

For the love of mack daddy, why can't you be cool?

Shut it!

You're in my house now.

Calm down, sir, your house is clearly a lost and found.

Jess: And it's all just baby shoes... and babies don't even need shoes.

Why not put that money towards something worthwhile like a cute hat or a raincoat?

[laughing]: A baby in a raincoat.

It's like... just like a... a little baby meteorologist.

[laughs]

Hey, so, it's this simple, okay.

We wanted to pay for the bread maker, but they wouldn't let us pay for it because it was a floor model, so we had a plan... I don't care.

[laughs] [lock clicks]

[laughs]

Baby in a raincoat.

[Jess laughing]

This is bad, you guys. This is really bad!

He's gonna call the real cops and I'm gonna be in so much trouble.

I could lose my job... or worse...

[gasps]

They put me on train duty.

I'm so sorry we got you in this situation, okay.

I am so sorry, too.

Okay, how do we get out of here?

How, how? Before the cops come.

Oh!

Yes, okay, guys, here's how we get out of here.

We dress up in the clothes from the lost and found, and we start crying, and then he comes back in and he's like, "Where are the girls?"

This is just babies in here."

You're incredibly high.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Mm-hmm.

No. No.

Yeah.

Who?

You. You, babe.

How did you know?

Oh, I knew from the first second I saw you.

Like, literally the first second.

Okay, ideas, you, go.

Oh, no, no, no, I am not giving you any ideas because it was my idea that got us into this mess in the first place.

First...

I bashed Schmidt's $1,200 bread maker.

$1,200?

Yeah.

For a bread maker?

I know.

That's a lot of dough.

I'm trying to wink.

Am I winking?

Then I got my best friend here to commit a crime, and now you might have... train duty?

It's like marathon duty but without the hot guys pooping their pants.

What does that say about me if I can't even take care of a bread maker?

What if Louise was right?

What if I can't take care of Schmidt?

How can you say you don't take care of people?

You've been taking care of me my entire life.

You're fierce and you are strong, and you would stand up for anyone that you love.

You're like a big, scary mama bear.

I'm gonna Jackass into these melons!

[grunting]

Jess: Ah...

[Jess laughing]

I'm okay.

[sighs]

You're my mama bear, girl.

Oh...

I wish I had someone in my life who cared about me the way you guys care about each other.

[gasps]

[whispering]: Oh, don't.

[whispering]: You do.

I just... I've been a cop for five years and...

You do.

Jessica!

I just wanted to celebrate it, [mouthing] but then Tripp had to leave to meet an owl for sushi.

An owl he sent a basket of mice to at Christmas, who I'm pretty sure has a nicer house than me.

[gasps] Let me tell her... please!

[door opens]

I'll blame it on being stoned.

Stoned?

You're stoned?

That makes this a drug case.

Okay, yeah, you have no idea what you're talking about.

Wait, no, I made a mistake.

You better get comfortable, you're gonna be here for a long time, lady!

A long time!

Oh, you little... power trip... trash guard!

You know what?

This is over!

The only way you are gonna get to her is if you go through me, and you are not getting through me.

[in slow motion]: Mama bear.

[Cece growls]

Aly: Oh...

[in slow motion]: Oh, don't do that. No...

♪ Oh ♪

Hey, no!

No, no, no!

♪ Return of the mack ♪

I have a system.

♪ Return of the mack ♪

[guard yells]

♪ Come on ♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Oh, my God ♪

No, please.

♪ Return of the mack, here I am ♪

The shoes.

♪ Return of the mack ♪

I had those all paired off.

♪ Once again ♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Top of the world ♪

Run!

♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Watch my flow ♪

No!

What?

♪ Return of the mack ♪

Hey, no, wait! No!

♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Watch my flow ♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Here I go... ♪

Mama bear!

That was freaking awesome!

Aly, Winston has a crush on you!

[music stops]

What?

♪ Return of the mack ♪

Bishop has a crush on me?!

♪ Up and down... ♪ - Run!

Bishop has a crush on me?

Bishop?

Mm-hmm.

No, I can't date my partner.

Why not? He's the best guy!

And you broke up with what's-his-name.

What? No, I didn't.

Hmm?

No, Tripp and I are just... we're in a fight.

Ah.

Interesting information.

I... texted Winston and told him you were single.

What?

Oh... it's fine.

They're in Las Vegas.

They're... stuffing coins into the underpanties of women.

Oh, my God!

Cece: What happened to you?

We can't talk about it right now. We're here to help Winston with...

Who did that to you? Where are they? I will k*ll them.

Oh, uh... truth be told, it was a child.

Winston: Uh, Aly.

Child?

You're... you're here.

[laughs]

Uh, guys, you... you ready?

Jess: Winston.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

No... no.

Mm-mm, no.

Trust me.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Don't. Mm-mm.

♪ Alison ♪
♪ I know this world ♪

Aly, um, look, I really like you...

♪ Is k*lling ♪

.. and, um...

You, oh look, I know you just broke up with your boyfriend...

♪ Alison ♪

.. but... whenever you're ready, I'd like to take you on a date.

[mouthing]

A real date, you know, with food, and music...

Bishop, I didn't...

♪ My aim ♪

I didn't break up with him.

♪ Oh, you've got a husband now. ♪

We didn't break up.

I'm sorry, uh...

Jess said...

There was a miscommunication.

It wasn't really me.

It was high Jess.

I missed high Jess?!

Now I have to wait another ten years?

I can't take it anymore. I just have to say something.

Cece, I'm still in love with you, all right?

Don't marry Schmidt.

That's a big mistake, all right? You run away with me...

Not now, Robby.

Honestly, stop.

Now's not the time, Robby. Okay, it makes sense, I...

I've been in this apartment before, I'm certain of it.

It was 1972.

Gore Vidal, Linda Lavin, and I were all drunk on white port and cough syrup...

Guys, quiet, please, I just...

I need to talk to Bishop for a second.

I'm so sorry about this.

That song was nice.

Um... Aly is actually not short for Alison but... it was really good effort. Okay, cool, yeah, that's... [exhales]

I'm-I'm good. I'm good, um...

Tripp, you know, he's a very lucky guy, very lucky guy, but I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

I'm just gonna go to my room and try to shove my face through a heating grate.

[chuckles]

Yeah, Jess, I will deal with you in the morning.

You know what my Grammy always said, "Why put off for tomorrow-day, what you could say, nnn... today-day?"

Yeah.

Oh, Aly, um... Happy Copiversary.

You've been a cop five years today, and I know how much that means to you, so... congratulations, I am very proud of you.

Oh, my...

Wait, Winston.

Uh, something told me not to go with copiversary.

My first choice, though, was Police Navidad.

No, I just...

You remembered.

[chuckles]

Well, of course, I remembered.

I mean, I'm your partner, why wouldn't I re... I mean, I...

Thank you.

[shouting in Russian]

You!

[Jess shouts]

[panicked shouting, screaming]

[gasping]

Welcome to Russian bachelorette party!

Oh, Nadia! Nadia, you look stunning!

Praise Jesus!

Now, dance, now!

["You Sexy Thing" intro plays]

Cece: Whoa.

[cheering, whooping]

[man singing in Russian]

Dance! You dance now!

All of you, you dance!

I think I'm over Cece.

Who is that?

[meows]

[laughing]

♪

Nadia: I spank you, dirty Nick bastard!

Shut up, monster!

You hear me?!

♪ [laughing, whooping]

Yeah!

Yeah!

This is the happiest I've been in my entire life.

I mean, look at my feet. Can't you see how happy I am?

Okay, you know I still technically have a boyfriend, right?

Oh, it's cool, I'm married.

What?

Oh, don't worry, it was a prank.

What?!

Best man.

Maid of honor.

[needle buzzing]

Who gets first tattoo?

No, thank you.

I'll take a shamrock on my knuckle.

[Nick screaming]