06x01 - House Hunt

[bunniefuu]

Jess, why couldn't you marry me?

Oh, I don't know.

You know.

No, I-I don't know.

It's Nick.

I... love you.

You love me?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Wow, that feels so good to say.

I now pronounce you husband and...

[glass breaks, cheering]

I'm booking a ticket.

A ticket?

Yeah, Reagan is going to New Orleans for work for three months and she asked me to go with her.

And I'm gonna do it.

♪ ♪

[phone chimes, Cece gasps]

Damn it!

This is an alert?

I did not need to know that the Riblet sandwich is back.

How long does it take to respond to a house offer?

Breathe, okay? We will find out about the house when we find out about the house.

You're right.

All right.

You're right. Okay.

We're fine. We're fine.

We're fine, we're fine.

[both sigh]

I'm so excited!

We're finally getting a house!

As I was saying, I never felt love like this.

I really miss your lips on mine.

Babe, it's just a two month FBI training program.

I had a major breakthrough this week.

I perfected my "keep vamping, we've almost traced the call" gesture.

Oh, wow, really?

Well, you know, we've had some breakthroughs of our own over here, too.

You know, I got to say, your sister is really coming into her own as a real estate agent.

In fact, I think she may have found a house for Schmidt and Cece.

That's amazing!

Oh, thank you so much for looking out for Leslie.

It means the world to me.

Well, would you describe yourself as, I don't know, owing me?

'Cause I will take my repayment in the form of...

[loud grinding]

What the hell is that noise?

Jess? For Pete's sake. [Knocking]

What is that infernal racket?

Hey, I was just making some table legs.

But if it's too loud, I can table them for later.

This whole summer, you've been doing one activity after another.

The urban corn harvest.

Learning Portuguese.

You joined that SoulShred gym and got scary ripped.

[nuts clatter on floor]

Oh.

[grunts loudly]

What is going on with you?

Okay. All right. [Clears throat]

She's a badass, that is what is going on with her.

Woodworking is awesome.

Okay, woodworking is insane.

It's woodturning, but go on.

Honey, do you think that any of these hobbies have anything to do with...

With Nick? Nicholas Miller?

That ole turkey burger?

Yeah.

He's in New Orleans with his perfect girlfriend.

And I'm fine.

Okay.

Actually, I'm doing great.

Okay.

[stammering]: I moved past him.

I-I-I'm over him.

Just checking.

I'm moving forward.

Cool.

Or as they say in Portuguese, Empurrando para a frente.

Which technically means "thrusting forward."

It's a very sexual language.

Honey.

We got the house.

[gasps]

We got the house!

[screams excitedly]

Leslie, I can't believe you pulled this off.

Every morning I just Google "house" and sometimes stuff comes up.

Guys, look at us.

You guys are married.

Winston, you're in love, Nick's in a serious relationship of his own, and I am a truly excellent friend.

Why are you looking at my house?

Hello, sir, how are you?

We're the ones who are buying your home.

I'm not selling my house.

What?

Oh, maybe that's why there's no sign.

Maybe I got the address wrong.

I mean... What are you ta... how did we get into the house?

We walked through it three times.

What?

What?

What?

Oh that's a mistake.

Why would you do that?

Cece: Oh!

He's got a bat! [Panicked shouting]

Jess: Oh, my God, the car's the other way!

I'm sorry, sir.

♪ ♪

All right, I'm taking charge.

Winston, Leslie has to go.

No!

She's the worst real estate agent of all time.

Aly and I just went long distance.

I can't tell her that you fired her little sister.

This is a delicate situation for our relationship.

Please, Jess.

Why are you ask... why are you asking Jess?

And, Jess, why are you inserting yourself into this?

If anyone's inserting themself, it's Winston.

He's like a tongue at a seventh grade birthday party.

Okay, look, fine, can I at least be the one to break the news to her?

Yes, you may.

Thank you, Jess.

It is so great to know.

Yeah. who your real friends are.

Yeah.

Get off the sofa.

Yeah.

Go check on your cat.

Look, we'll find a place, okay?

I didn't like that house that much anyway.

I just can't be married, living with roommates.

Well, hey!

Well, I hope you saved some for Furguson.

[singsongy]: 'Cause you forgot yesterday.

[chuckles]

No!

[screams]

[screaming]

No!

Look at our wedding photo.

I want to hang our wedding photo in our house.

I want to start our lives together.

I know.

Guys, we are in this together.

We're just gonna have to find a house ourselves.

I need a project now that my table's almost done.

I'll be your real estate agent.

I've already found, like, five open houses today.

Like, this one is a fixer-upper, but don't judge a house by its smoke damage.

Okay, babe, this was a crime scene.

Yeah, but that was months ago.

And it was drug thing, so there are no ghosts.

That's not how ghosts work.

This is in your price range, and it's, like, only five minutes from the loft.

I really think this is the best investment of our money right now.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Hey, babe?

[groans]

I think we got this, okay?

Yes.

We got this.

Actually, we, we got this.

Preach! We got this.

Jess, look at us for a second, the two of us, Cece and I.

We. Us.

Both: We got this.

We got this.

[chuckles]: All right.

Schmidt, bedrooms. Cece, bathrooms.

I'm gonna smell everything.

Bonjour! Crawdaddy's home, and he's ready to see his crawkids!

Who's home?

Schmidty, Jess?

Winston?

Winston's cat?

Fine. Cece?

♪

The en suite is en fleek.

I love this house, too.

I poked my head in the shower.

Perfect, gentle, unrelenting pressure.

Like when my mom made me rehearse my haftarah portion.

I don't know, guys.

Lot of lost dog posters around.

Really sad neighborhood.

Also it's crazy expensive.

I'm the voice of reason, that's why you brought me with.

We-we didn't bring you with.

You followed us here in your car.

Okay.

She followed us the whole way.

I know, I know.

Cece, I'm begging you, please tell her to go home.

Yeah, I know.

We need to start setting some boundaries.

You know what, though? She's not wrong.

This place is way over our borrowing limit.

Damn it. [Sighs]

The only place that was even close was that...

Both: Carpet house.

All right. We will ask for a bigger loan.

And It'll be tight, but we'll manage it.

Okay.

Yeah, we can do it.

Look, we'll just make sacrifices.

Yeah.

We'll pack our lunches.
We'll cut out cup-on's.

It's coupons.

Cup-ons, yeah.

No, you're saying cup-ons.

Well, it's fine.

It's not important, we'll cut out cup-ons.

Coupons.

But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna have to go to the bank now because this house is gonna go like this, I know it.

Why is she talking to the realtor?

I will handle it, okay?

It's-it's tot... it's... Oh.

Jess?

I'm so sorry, do you mind if I just steal her away for a minute? Jessica?

Hey, honey, this can't happen.

You're right, this is not your house.

Toni-Anne, we're walking!

No, no.

You being here.

You taking over as our real estate agent because... you can't stop thinking about Nick.

Cece, not everything's about Nick.

Curvando diante da face errada.

In Portuguese, "You're bending before the wrong face."

Again, very sexual language.

You know I love you and I will always be there for you in an emergency, but Schmidt and I need to do this by ourselves.

You got to go home.

Okay. I got it. Okay.

You guys are moving forward, You don't need ol' Jess the Mess.

I'm gonna go home.

But seriously, I crawled under the house and the retrofitting is rookie work.

Okay.

She going home?

Yeah, let's go to the bank.

Let's do it. You know what, actually, I just want to use the cooktop first.

Make an egg.

Honey, where are you gonna get an egg?

Got two eggs right here.
Got a pan right here.

Think I'm gonna buy a house and not make an egg first?

And I'm a Sagittarius, which is why I'm so good with people and horses.

But it also makes me, like, really sleepy.

Uh, Leslie... [nervous laugh]

Um, there's no... there's no easy way to say this.

Uh... you... no longer work... for Schmidt and Cece.

No, no, they're f*ring me?

No, but didn't you tell them how good I am?

Well, you know, I tried to.

I was like, I was like, "Man, she good..."

You didn't stick up for me, Winston?

Well, I tried...

I'm calling Aly!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, no, no, time out, time out.

Listen, hey, hey, hey.

Time out. Stop.

Stop that. You didn't let me finish.

You don't work for Schmidt and Cece anymore, because...

'Cause you work for me now.

I'm buying a house.

[Shrieks happily]

I'm buying a house!

[Laughing]

Ha, ha! I'm buying a home.

[horns honking]

We do not look great on paper.

Please, on paper, we're as ugly as Winston's bellybutton ring.

Who gets a bellybutton ring if you have an outie?

And at 33, no less.

But trust me, loan officers have a lot of discretion.

We just need to market ourselves.

We need to look him right in the eye...

Mr. Schmidt and Mrs. Parikh?

I'm not blind.

I just had my pupils dilated for an exam.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm seeing stars, too.

What?

I'm talking about you.

Okay, honey, just... shh.

Shh. You're a big, bright star.

It ain't gonna be that kind of party today, pal.

Follow me.

[exhales]

Nick [muffled]: Hey, Crawdaddy's home!

[coughs]

I had a whole crawdaddy thing, but I... the point is, I'm home.

[clears throat]

Hey, Nick.

You weren't supposed to be home for, like, a month.

Are you guys doing okay?

Yeah, uh, Reagan's drug company is moving her up to Seattle...

Okay. so we're doing the distance thing.

Yeah, we're doing great.

You know what they call Seattle in Portland?

North Portland.

Or, uh, Vancouver's Shoe.

What?

Vancouver's Shoe.

[chuckles]

Get in here!

Give me a hug!

Okay.

All right!

Wow, look at you.

You got jacked. Yeah.

What, did you go to prison?

[chuckles]

[laughs] No.

I worked out a lot.

Come on, sit down.

I haven't seen you in months.
I need some Jess.

I also have something very important to tell you.

Is everything okay?

Um...

I have to, um...

It's just, I have to meet my friend.

I mean, I have to go to the zoo.

The zoo? You hate zoos.

Um, I was supposed to meet her in the lemur section of the parking lot like ten minutes ago, so...

What friend?

Why...? Deedee.

I have to meet Deedee.
She's, like, a good friend.

"Deedee"?

That's not a name.

You have one friend. It's Cece.

This sounds fishy.

Yeah, no.

We can't loan you any more money.

Jess [whispering]: Cece!

Oh. Okay. What?

No, I... I-I know what this is about.

I'll just be a moment.

You know what what's...

Thank you.

Ce... ce...

What's happening?

What is happening?

Jessica...

You said "emergency."

Well, this is an emergency.

Nick is home.

What is your emergency?

Don't glory in it, Cece.

Please don't mistake my measured bank tone for calmness, as I am filled with the waters of rage.

Jess, I know that you've come here to convince Cece that she shouldn't buy this house.

No.

Babe, this is an emergency.

I have feelings for Nick again, okay?

There. I said it.

[sighs]

I saw him for one second and I freaked out.

I told him I was going to the zoo.

Both: You hate the zoo.

There's something about him.

I see him and my heart explodes.

We all need to meet new people.

Oh...

[seagulls squawking]

Where are we?

Your new hood!

Okay, so, I couldn't check all the boxes, but I think nailed the most important one: That it can float.

That's a... that's a boat.

Yeah.

I was just driving to my doctor's office last night and I saw it.

And you thought, "Okay."

Where-where's your doctor's office?

Three boats down.

Should we call Aly and tell her the good news?

I had no idea you were going through this.

I can't even be in the same room as Nick.

I don't know what I'm saying and what if I say something that ruins our friendship?

Get out.

What?

Get out. Get out right now.

Get out instantly.

What?

What happened to the "I'm so sorry"?

Nick is on his way to the bank right now. I texted him.

I need his help with the loan.

What?

What?

We need to put the bar up for collateral, okay?

We're miles past our borrowing limit. It's the only way.

Yeah, but the bar?

No time. There he is.

What?

Schmidt: Hey, Nick!

Ah!

[laughing]

Just pretend like we're having a normal conversation.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Okay. Um...

This is, um, this is Margaret.

This is Gracie.

Oh. No. You think I...

Oh, no.

I'm not a bank robber.

Stop reaching for that button.

I'm just trying to avoid my ex.

Oh, thank God.

God, I missed you.

You know, I slept in your bed twice.

Look at your hair, you hippie.

Yeah, just come over here! Great!

Um, oh. Uh, heads up.

There are over 60 pairs of shoes in your room.

Uh, heads up, they're all in the hallway now.

Oh, okay.

Sir, sorry to keep you waiting.

This is my co-signer.

[sighs]

Nick: Point me in any direction and I'll sign.

[chuckles]

So this is the place, eh?

Beautiful picture of it.

That's how much it is?
That's really exp...

Schmidty, are you sure you know what you're getting us into?

Yeah, man.

All right.

[Cece giggles]

Congrats.

Did we get the loan?

I wish it were up to me, because the answer would be "no" and all of this would be over.

He's been a buzzkill all day.

Yeah. That's all right.

I owe you one American dream...

[laughs]

You sweet angel.

We did it!

I'm so happy for you guys.

Hey, I gotta go.

[photo clatters to floor]

I got it.

Beautiful family.

[exhales] It's okay, it's okay.

[exhales] This is stupid.

I can't keep hiding from him.

Jess, just give me a sec, okay?

No, Cece... Cece, it's fine.

I'll come back with you.
Go... go with Jess now.

No, no, no, no.
I have to do this myself.

And you guys have to buy a house.

This is good; This is you moving forward.

Thanks, Jess.

Get in here.

Oh, I love you guys.

Okay.

[grunts]

Oh... Oh, my God.

[laughs]

Lost my breath, there.

She's a strong... strong one.

Well, you're getting the loan.

What?

Interest rates are about to drop and we want to settle you with a high one before they do, so...

We got the loan?

We can make an offer?

[laughing]: It doesn't make a lick of sense to me, but there you go.

So many zeros.

That's a lot of zeros.

What are you doing?

Winston: Hella?

Are you buying a boat?

[sighs]

Look, it is a complicated situation.

First off, I think your sister is amazing.

Secondly, I know that we just went long-distance and I don't want to give you any bad news, but... your sister ain't that good at her job.

Like, at all.

She's... uh, dumb.

That girl is the trunk of a tree.

Ain't nobody at home up here.

Okay, you...

She a cottonhead!

Easy...

This girl is a dumped-out sewing kit.

Easy.

She talkin', but ain't nobody listenin'.

Easy. That's my sister.

And I know she's an idiot.

[exhales] Thank God.

Just because we're long-distance doesn't mean we can't be real with each other.

Okay?

We have to tell each other everything.

[sighs]

I don't know what the word "panache" means.

It means having a certain kind of flair.

That...

All right, I'm gonna hang up now.
Are you ready?

Of course I'm ready. [Chuckles]

♪ Aly loves Winston ♪
♪ Winston loves Aly ♪
♪ We're both hanging up now ♪
♪ We're hanging up on the count of a hundred... ♪

Okay, babe. Love you. And a one, two, Gotta go, bye. Three...

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Love you.

You okay, Jess?

Yeah, it's just... something I have to handle on my own.

No such thing.

I'm standing right here.

Lay it on me.

Okay.

But it's pretty major.

Do you think you can handle it?

Yes. N... No.

I jumped the g*n.

I should've said I don't...
I don't know.

Here goes. Um...

So Nick's back.

Ooh, don't I know it!

Don't I know it!

Nick is back!

You know, maybe I can't handle it.

I haven't even gotten to the major part yet.

Oh.

What I'm trying to say is...

I'm not over Nick.

Oh...

Ooh...

Mm.

Oh...!

Oh... I know.

Hm... mm...?

Oh...

And you guys are all moving on.

And I'm still here, where I was, waiting outside Nick's door, trying to figure out how to... talk to him without having a heart att*ck.

Okay. Okay, listen.

You can't control who you panache.

Just a quick check-in: How am I handling this?

Bizarrely... but it's kind of working.

Okay.

I have to figure out how to be friends with him again but I can't even bring... bring myself to knock on his door.

Well, that's okay, Jess, because I'm here.

[knocking]

Nick: Yeah?

Winston: Uh, Nick, question: Um, do you have another gator tooth?

I seem to have swallowed mine.

I've given you a lot of gator teeth.

This is the last one.

And stop putting stuff in your mouth.

I will make no such promise.

Hey, Day.

Hey, Miller.

Well, Bish out.

For the third time in my life, I have to call off a boat purchase.

What?

[chuckles]

So I just want to...

How was the zoo?

Oh. Sorry.

You go, you go first.

Oh, I just...

How was New Orleans?

How-how was everything?

It was great.

[laughs] I came alive in that city, Jess.

I was writing 2,000 pages a day by hand.

What?

By hand. Yes.

Unfortunately, it all blew into the Mississippi River.

Oh, my God, no. That's terrible.

I mean, for you and for the environment...

And I had to start over, so I invested in a computer...

I bought the heaviest one I could find... and look... heavy computers, heavy materiel.

This is my first book.

What?

Yeah.

This is what I wanted to tell you.

Oh, my God.

[laughing]: It's my book!

Nick, how many days did it take to print this out?

About a week. I had to go to a car rental place at night, but, uh... read the first page.

"To Anthony Rizzo and the Chicago Cubs, for all we've been through."

"And to my friend Jessica Day... for the same thing."

I don't know if you remember this, but, uh... you were the one who told me to go to New Orleans.

So thank you.

You're welcome.

We got the house.

For real this time.

That's great!

Come on, let's go see it!

Nick: Let's go!

Let me just get... You got to...

Get... yeah, got to fold it perfect.
Oh. Yeah, okay. Sorry.

Just because, you know...

[exhales]

[doves cooing, wings flapping]

Guys, I know I found this place, but... yikes.

Is that a bloody kite?

I smell coyote babies.

The other house was just too expensive.

Cece: Yeah, this place is actually perfect.

Or at least it will be, once we redo it.

This whole room could be mid-century.

You could use the crown molding as a focal point.

[squeaking, scuttling]

I'm sorry.

I'm inserting.

It's okay.

No.

Look, we clearly are gonna need everyone's help on this.

Oh, thank you, God!

Okay. We have to extend the dining room, track light the hallway, that closet is begging to be a half bath...

See, what we have here is called good bones.

You understand?

Hit the wall, make sure...

Oh, no!

[Clattering]

Hmm.

Yeah, that... uh, that bone, that bone was broken when I saw it.

Whatever. Don't worry about it.

We're gonna tear this place down to the studs.

Yeah, you know?
We'll just start right here.

[whooping]

Cece: Right?

It's okay, 'cause we're the owners!

[upbeat pop song begins]

You're the owners!

We're the owners.

Yeah!

They're the owners!

You're gonna live here!

You own it!

♪ Open your eyes ♪

Yah!

All right, Winston!

♪ Careful, surprise ♪
♪ A dream in disguise ♪

Hey, guys.

♪ You know we can have it ♪

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my God, it's a fireplace.

Look. Wow.

It's Narnia.

Yeah.

It's beautiful!

Yeah, it's nice, right?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah!

Let's crank this thing up.

Jess: Ooh...

[whooping]

Oh, yeah! [Laughing]

♪ Put your other foot down ♪

To the house! All right! Yeah!

♪ You got to put one foot in front of the other ♪
♪ Put your other foot down... ♪