06x10 - Christmas Eve Eve

[bunniefuu]

Jess: What a Halloween!

Nick: Whoa! Whoa!

Cece: Yes!

Marcia Clark cleaned that party out.

I can't believe nobody got our costumes.

I know. I'm not Shapiro.

I'm very clearly Travolta playing Shapiro.

Where-where is the... Where did the Juice go?

Is he back on the freeway?

Three, two, one. Midnight, November 1.

Merry Christmas season.

Mm.

Okay.

[whistles]

[muttering]

Nick: Uh, Jess, Winston has something he would like to tell you.

Oh!

Go ahead, Winston.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, from...

We did rock-paper-scissors. Okay.

Well, you know, well, we were all thinking, and we were all on the same page.

[sighs]

We were thinking that... maybe we don't do Christmas this year.

You know, that would be a great seminar topic... in a school for demons!

Backup. I need backup. Your turn.

Well, Jess, Christmas is just so stressful... with the lists and the lines and-and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.

TV Town Song Room?

Do you mean Radio City Music Hall?

Yeah.

How could you get so many things wrong in a row?

At Radio City Music's Hall.

What is going on here?

Christmas isn't stressful.

Babe.

Babe.

Cece: You get more stressed out by Christmas than anyone I know.

The spirit of Christmas.

[electrical hissing, booming clack]

Son of a whore!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[yelling]

In my defense, I hadn't slept for six days.

But I do see your point.

Okay. Great.

Hmm.

So it's official. Christmas is canceled.

No, Christmas is not canceled.

Christmas gifts are how you show the people you love that you care in a very special, magical and highly mandatory way.

You want me to shop until I drop, and I don't want to drop.

How about this? One special gift, one person, and a guessing game at the end.

Secret Santa!

One moment, please.

[Jess sighs]

[whispering]

It's the perfect compromise. Come on.

[gavel banging]

General agreement.

Nick: General agreement.

Sure.

We can do it.

Yes! It's a deal. Okay.

[Nick screaming]

[laughing] Whoa.

Oh.

It's just me.

I'm feeling really good.

♪ ♪

Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everybody!

Secret Santa starts tonight at 6:00 P.M., AKA 7:00 P.M. eve.

Snacks will be potluck.

I call baba ghanoush.

It brings back such good memories.

My dad waking me up with hot cocoa, my dog Frank dressed up as Rudolph, looking out the window, watching for snow, dancing around the Christmas tree to the sweet sounds of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."

Darlene what now?

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

Love me some Darlene.

♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

What am I watching now?

Two kilos of uncut joy.

Little reminder... uh, tonight is for Secret Santa gifts only.

So, married people, please exchange your gifts at another time.

Cece: Oh, don't worry. Schmidt and I aren't getting each other gifts this year.

Uh-uh.

Is that 'cause of the Jew thing?

Jew thing?

That's just a phrase that falls out of your mouth these days.

Oh, sorry.

I-I took the last Jew thing.

This will be the only gift that Cece is getting this Christmas, so whoever has her, please step it up.

Cece: Right, and the same goes for my man.

Just because he doesn't believe in the Lord, doesn't mean he can't have cake at the birthday party.

So, whoever has him better bring it... because I know I got the perfect gift for...

Jess: Up-bup-bup-bup!

Secret Santa.

Also, to that point, we're all in danger of revealing ourselves through little clues such as... cave man wrapping skills.

I got mozzarella sticks for fingers.

You're making this very stressful, Jess.

No, it's not, because we have a Secret Santa helper, and his name is...

[door opens]

Robby!

Whoa!

Oh.

Oh.

How long you been out there, man?

Eh, long enough to make it weird.

But I could hear everything, though, so...

Sorry about the wait.

Oh, it's okay.

I slept in a little bit.

[laughs]

Robby is going to wrap and label all of your gifts to ensure anonymity.

I'm just gonna go wait in Jess' room.

I look forward to working with you all.

Oh, I got to get back to work.

I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar.

So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.

Schmidt: You haven't done those yet?

Nick, our accountant needs them today.

I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.

D-U-E, Nicholas.

D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G.

Doing. The doing date.

And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing.

It should be freaking "doyng."

[laughing]

Nick, you got 'em?!

You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.

I get Nick the perfect gift, and then he goes and buys it for himself.

What am I supposed to get him now?

You could get Nick some tap shoes, right?

They do make walking fun.

[scoffs]

I told you that about tap shoes, you tree.

Now think, Jessica.

You're the greatest gift-giver of all time.

[gasps] I've got it.

Whatever it is, I got it covered.

Oh, no, Robby. What I'm giving him cannot be wrapped.

Is it a memory?

No.

Ah.

A house?

No.

♪ ♪

Damn it, man.

False alarm.

I thought that was the mailman with my Secret Santa gift.

Yes, I know, Winston.

You've run in here at least six times.

You know, now you can just track the package.

I can?

Yes.

Let's see. KXHD136.

You memorized the package tracking number, but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?

What?!

9:18 A.M. refused delivery?

Did you refuse a package to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?

Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it, Schmidt!

I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo!

It is my secret Santa alias.

Oh.

Yeah.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

I don't have a gift for tonight now.

Well, this is not my problem, Winston.

Oh, no, it is your problem.

Oh, you had me?

I did not have Jess, I did not have Nick, I do not have you.

It's fairly obvious who I do have.

I figured it out. You have Cece.

Oh.

My Cece.

My Cece can't go gift-less.

I like to think of her as our Cece.

You screwed the pooch on this one, Winston.

Me? I didn't screw the pooch.

Yes, you did.

You didn't sign for it!

How was I supposed to sign for Garage-A-Roo's package?

You and your dang old aliases.

You have a new alias every day, Winston.

Yes, but you should know it's me!

Garage-A-Roo, Kenneth.

But it was me clearly! Kenneth, Kenneth.

Rick Smits, Big Poppy Jones.

These are the dumbest names I've ever heard!

Pontius Pilate.

AKA idiot.

Maybe that truck is still in the neighborhood.

Let's go out and try and get it.

Wait!

This just became a Schmidt and a Jay Garage-A-Roo mess-around.

Freakin' Jay Garage-A-Roo.

[laughs]

So I fly you down. You are my gift to Nick.

What do you say?

I don't know, Jess.

I mean, I have a really big pitch tomorrow.

It's a treatment for...

I mean, the polite term is "gravelly bowel syndrome."

So fly down for one night.

What could be more romantic or magical?

I will orchestrate the whole surprise.

Lighting, blocking, costumes...

Okay, you know what?

I... I'm in.

You are?

I thought I was gonna have to give you the hard sell.

That's part of the reason why I'm in. But... also, I haven't seen Nick in a couple weeks, and I really miss his nonsense.

And that ass... am I right?

She's in!

[laughs]

Whoo!

Robby: Pope Francis, we have a miracle worker.

[chuckles]

The only thing left to do is...

Hey, Nick.

I, um, just am doing a little laundry.

I got just enough room for your bedsheets.

May I do the honors?

But don't touch them... they're exactly how I like them.

But I'm really glad you called. The bar is an absolute zoo.

I haven't even gotten to the receipts yet.

Wait-wait, what?

The point is, I'm swamped, and I'm not gonna make it for Secret Santa.

What?

I'm sorry.

I'm just not gonna make it.

Jess, Nick is still gonna enjoy seeing Reagan, even if it means she's just gonna hang out with him at the bar.

Yeah, it's the thought that counts.

Yeah.

If you're in the lump of coal business!

I have to go help Nick... so he can be here for the surprise.

Did you get... No, you don't have a drink.

You got hot chocolate?

What do you want, a beer?

I'll get you in a second there, buddy.

Weirdly, this is not the first time Nick has failed to mention elves in a crisis situation.

Cece: This is way worse than you said.

I'm out of here... it's my day off, and... you know what, actually, I don't need more than that.

Wait, wait, no. Cece, I need your help.

I need your help.

We have to get Nick home for Secret Santa.

Ooh, you have him.

Yes, I got Nick. I got Nick.

Reagan's flying out from Seattle.

Oh...

And we're double-teaming him.

Okay, listen to me very carefully, okay?

You mean "tag-teaming."

This is the exact same thing that happened when you handed that checkout guy coupons, and said that we'd been scissoring all day.

Oh. He helped us with our bags. He was such a gentleman.

No, he was not.

Hey, what are you two doing here?

What are all these elves doing here?

They just got off a shift at the mall.

You know, I've been thinking, since they're all regular size, my theory is it's a mall for giants.

Let us help. We'll man the bar. You can hit the receipts.

Ah, it'll be fine.

Someone just has to give my Secret Santa gift. It's for...

No! Sorry.

Look, I know you don't love Secret Santa, but... don't be alone on Christmas Eve Eve.

Be with the people you love.

All right, you're right.

I'll take the help.

Uh, time for the receipts, I guess.

Let me go grab my calculator.

[groans]

We have a lot of work to do.

One, two, three, four...

Whoa! Whoa.

Excuse me, uh, Deb, we need to check your trunk... we're looking for a package.

It is addressed to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo.

What a stupid name.

Tell it to your stupid wife, man... it's one of our inside jokes.

You two don't have inside jokes.

Man, we got loads of inside jokes!

My turtleneck, uh, my trick hip, that "Hok-fooey, Jean Luc!"

Get off my truck.

Please, it is Christmas Eve... Eve.

That's right.

Yes.

That's my night. So go home, and wait for your package.

All right, fine. [chuckles]

Okay, whatever.

[sighs heavily]

You know what, Deb, that's where you're wrong.

There was a time when we didn't need people like you.

There was a time where a man could go into a place, buy a thing and leave with that thing.

And you weren't involved at all.

You lost me, Schmidt. What are you talking about?

Stores, Winston!

Oh, stores!

I remember those.

Stores?

What are you gonna do? Pay sales tax?

Park?

[laughing]

Stores!

Oh!

Brick and mortar, baby!

[shattering]

I know that she loves me, so why won't she touch me?

Larry, you've got to go home, okay?

Why isn't Nick gone?

It's been four hours.

Reagan's on a plane, Secret Santa's in an hour, I'm freaking out...

Well, you can call me Ice Cube.

Because I'm done wrapping.

That is how you won me over.

Look, the missing piece of the puzzle is Nick.

I'm gonna go check in.

One hour till Secret Santa!

Great.

You ever done any Santa work at the Chatsworth Penney's?

Larry?

Robby!

[crying, sniffling]

[knocking]

Come in.

A little North Pole knock-knock. [chuckles]

I finished.

Oh.

Thank you, Jess. And thank you for what you said about being with the people you care about on Christmas.

Oh, you're welcome. I-I meant it.

And that is why I bought a ticket... to go to Seattle to be with Reagan tonight.

Oh... Fa...

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la. ♪

[laughs]

All right. How do I surprise Reagan.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking I go dressed as a fireman, I knock on the door, I reveal myself to be a stripper, and then I reveal myself to be Nick.

How does that even... uh...

Are you sure you want to go to Seattle?

I mean, it's Seattle. Ew.

I mean, it was... it was basically your idea, right?

Why don't we just get you home to...

I got no time.

I'm on a no-fly list, so I need to leave right now.

Checking in is very difficult.

Why not just take that name literally, and you no fly?

Off to Seattle.

Wait, Nick! No! No!

I can't let you go! Your hair looks so stupid!

What?

You look like a total dork.

My hair looks stupid, I look like a total dork?

We can't let TSA see you like this.

But I've had this haircut for a little bit now.

I know.

You let me go to work, though?

It just looks particularly bad right this minute.

Then I'll just go like this.

How about now?

No. Mm-mm. Didn't fix it.

I get the impression you don't want me to go to Seattle.

That's because I don't want you to go to Seattle.

Well, why not?

I can't tell you.

I mean, I-is this about Reagan?

Do you not like her?

No, I like Reagan... she looks like the front of a ship come alive. Heh.

Is that why you've been acting so weird?

I haven't been acting weird.

You've been weird since the day I got back from New Orleans.

You're acting really squirrelly.

You don't think I've noticed, but I've noticed.

Okay, you're way off base.

I mean, what is it? I took your advice...

I'm gonna be with somebody who I find really special on Christmas.

Nick...

But, surprise, I've still done something wrong.

Don't go to Seattle. Trust me.

Why is nothing I do ever good enough for you?

What do you want from me?

I'm doing everything I can here!

Nick, I'm flying Reagan out from Seattle to surprise you.

I'm your Secret Santa, you jerk.

So this is what it feels like to be instantly sorry.

Schmidt: Where is everyone?

I thought this place would be crazy.

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, those were the days.

Now people prefer to shop online.

My grandfather opened this store.

Now it closes with me. So, to answer your question, yes, I do drink.

Um... hey, we're looking for a beanbag chair.

Hey! We have one.

Nice!

Heck, I'll go get it for you. I'm not doing anything.

Great, great.

Brick and mortar, baby.

[sighs]

A beanbag chair, Winston?

Yeah.

You thought that would be a... a suitable gift for my bride?

You wouldn't get it. I mean, it's a reference to a classic Winston-Cece mess-around.

Beanbag chair!

Never in my life have I heard of a game of one-on-one Pictionary.

We had a moment.

Unmoved.

Okay.

Had you drawn a picture poo-poo, would that have been a good gift for my Cece?

[laughing]: It would have been hilarious.

Look, Schmidt, I get it that you are closer to her than I am.

Uh-huh.

However, I got my own thing going on with her.

And I feel like you don't respect that.

Closer to her?

You are.

That's a good way to describe our relationship, comparatively to yours.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, considering we are man and wife.

Yeah.

Winston, this is a very cozy, [sighs] inoffensive blanket.

Get it.

Has no relevance towards our relationship.

Why would I do that?

Get the blanket.

No.

Winston, please.

Just get the blanket and let's go.

Well, since you asked nicely, no.

Just get the blanket.

No. I don't want the damn blanket.

Here's the beanbag chair.

Yeah, stores are the best.

Hey, you guys want to go get lunch or something?

Nah. How much is it?

It's $249.99.

What? For a beanbag chair?

For a beanbag chair?

Well, we have a cheaper one... we're just, we're out of stock.

I could order it for you, but it would take seven to ten days.

Man, stores are the worst.

The admiral will take this.

Whatever happened to Hanukkah?

Hey, Jess, about that... the-the stuff I s...

Oh, wait, it's fine... I...

I must have seemed so crazy.

Let's just enjoy the holiday, okay?

Okay, Secret Santa.

By now, the suspense must be k*lling you.

As you all know, uh, Nick knows his Secret Santa gift is Reagan flying out from Seattle to surprise him.

All right.

Merry Christmas, Nick.

All right, Cece. That big boy's for you.

What in the hell is that?

Winston, what'd you do with the thing we just bought?

[gasps]

Beanbag chair!

Beanbag chair! It's from Winston!

Winston: They had to make it out of this dumb blanket.

Winston, you remembered our game night. I love it.

You do?

She does.

I do.

Well, you know what, Winston?

You were right... it's the perfect gift.

I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that my wife is a little bit weirder than I thought she was.

It's a prototype, you know?

The real one's on its way.

Didn't have a lot of beans, so I had to pad it with rice and oatmeal.

It's a great gift. Thank you.

It's perfect!

Good job.

All right, well, whoever got Schmidt better have brought it, 'cause Winston set the bar really high.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Here we go. Ooh...

Ooh...

Cashmere socks! Dayanu!

[chuckles]

Well, it's not Winston, it's not Jess.

Cece?

No. No, it's not me.

I got you, boy.

No way.

I got you. This is me.

This is you?

Nicholas! [laughs]

Yeah, come on.

I don't know why I'm finding the image of you mispronouncing the word "cashmere" in a store... to be so joyful.

"Cadsh-mer."

Winston.

Oh.

Ha-ha! I get one?

Oh, man.

Yeah. Everybody gets one.

That's crazy. I get one, too.

You know.

Yeah, everybody does.

Aah! For me?

Oh, my stars! A check made out to my phone company?

Cece, girl, is this for that night we got bombed and called Iceland?

You know it is!

Okay, hold on, wait a minute, I had... I had Winston, too.

Somebody got left out. Who didn't get one?

Oh, Winnie got two gifts?

That's for Winston.

Yeah.

Oh... no, no, it's... it's fine.

It's... it's my fault.

I must have gotten so tipsy on Halloween, I forgot to write down my own name.

See? It's right there in the song.

He makes a list, he checks it twice.

See, this is probably why Santa stopped drinking.

Well, here, you know what?

Have this one.

Oh, my God, a hamster?!

You're a pet guy, man.

I am. I am.

But... Jess, you... you should have him.

No. I-I got the best gift of all.

Watching you guys give each other gifts that show you care.

Well, you can't not have a gift.

Besides, Ferguson's gonna eat him, anyway.

Oh. Well, if... if Ferguson will eat him, then I...

I'll take him.

Thanks, Winston.

Of course.

Great Secret Santa, everyone.

You want to go to bed, little guy?

You want to see your new room?

[sighs]

I feel horrible.

You have no idea. She and I got in a thing.

I said something so stupid.

[door opens]

Sleigh!

Others: Hey, Reagan.

Hey.

Really?

Do you know how hard it was to put this thing on in an airplane bathroom?

Do I.

If you don't get off that wheel right now, there's gonna be hell to pay.

Now!

Whoa. Did you understand me?

[door opens]

Oh, you're awa... you're awake. Great.

Nick, how often do you sneak into my room in the middle of the night?

Uh, that you're awake, uh, this is a first.

Here.

Weird.

Here's some cocoa.

Hey, I wanted to say that I'm sorry about what I said.

I know you are. Thanks.

I also want to say thank you.

Even though I knew Reagan was coming, when I saw her I felt like it was Christmas morning and I was ten.

But a ten-year-old about to have sex... with Santa!

And it was... yeah, this is getting weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry and thank you.

♪ ♪

[purring]

Come with me.

Uh, actually, do you want to put a bra on first?

Robby: Cue the music.

♪ ♪

Surprise!

Schmidt: Merry Christmas, Jess.

Cece: We got something for you.

Ta-da!

Schmidt: Robby set it all up.

Jess [gasps]: What?!

Nick: This is for you.

♪ ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ The snow's coming down ♪

[gasps]

♪ Christmas ♪
♪ I'm watching it fall ♪
♪ Christmas ♪

[laughs]

♪ Lots of people around ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ Baby, please come home ♪

What is Darlene Love doing here?

Uh, we used to do hot yoga together.

Oh.

♪ All ringing in song ♪
♪ Christmas ♪
♪ What a happy sound ♪

This is amazing! [laughing]

♪ Baby, please come home ♪
♪ They're singing "Deck the Halls" ♪
♪ But it's not like Christmas at all ♪
♪ 'Cause I remember when you... ♪

How much longer do I have to do this?

I'm almost out of litter.

It's shredded receipts.

[laughs]

♪ Christmas ♪

This is the best gift.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Others: Merry Christmas, Jess.

Bar elves! Come on in!

[lively chatter, ho-ho-ho'ing]

♪ Baby, please come home ♪