01x05 - Cece Crashes

Cece!

Beep-beep.

(arguing)

Beep-beep.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

These traffic patterns are really...

counterintuitive!

Really...

Catch-as-catch-can as far as footpaths go over here!

Cece!

I got your text.

Are you ready to go home?

Argh! Thank you for coming.

Jess, he was making out with another girl.

You... get away from here.

Okay, who are you, Miss Pajama, okay?

You're blocking my booth. Get out of here!

Don't talk to her like that, okay?

That is my best friend!

(laughs) Oh, Cece...

You ripped my deep V!

This is my favorite deep V!

It´s just a deeper V.

Thanks for picking me up, Jess.

I really felt that Gavin was different.

Didn't you feel like he was different?

Yeah.

I mean, he seemed like a really nice...

European DJ with a face tattoo.

(men whistling, car horn honking)

Whoo!

Hey, guys.

I think... Jess, I think these guys are into you.

We should, we should just go back, right?

We should totally head back.

Where am I taking you?

Well, can't go home because Gavin's, like, staying at my place.

You've known him for three weeks.

Can I just crash with you for a couple days? Please?

I don't know. It's Friday night.

The guys probably have big plans.

(video game music playing)

Friday night, gentlemen.

It's on.

What happened to you?

It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel?

What happened to you?

What?

You didn't used to be like this, Schmidt.

What are you talking about?

You've gotten so much worse.

It's on and poppin'!

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Yes. I told you I'd come through.

Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party.

I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar.

I just want to sit here all weekend in silence playing this game, then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.

Are you even wearing underwear?

What is between you and that chair?

Just a little bit of sunshine.

(chuckles) All right, take off that kimono, please.

It's my leisure wear, Winston.

Look, I worked

80 hours this week.

I just want to come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man.

Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.

R-Really?

Wow! It just got real in here.

Okay, you're not gonna take the kimono off?

Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants.

Boom! Bam!

Mm-hmm. Everybody want to just walk around this house wearing all kinds of stupid stuff, then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt.

I'm wearing a napkin on my face.

Bam! How you like that?

That doesn't even make any sense, Winston.

It makes perfect sense.

Totally different than me wearing my kimono.

You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of samurai culture, and it's an affront, Winston, it's an affront.

Look at me now, huh? This is the vibe we have in the house now because of you.

You want to walk around here looking silly.

This is handcrafted! In China.

(grumbles)

Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off.

Um, Cece, can you not do your usual thing?

These are really good guys.

Best behavior.

Sure.

(men arguing)

Hey, guys, I brought...

You brought this on yourself!

What you doing?

Oh, you know, we're just chillin'.

Just chillin'.

Just doing this.

You know, Friday night.

I'm gonna use the ladies'.

What's up, Cecelia?

Where's the tequila?

Guys.

(sighs) Okay.

I would normally never bring her here, but Cece's really vulnerable right now, and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries.

So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body.

So I just want to apologize in advance for anything that she might do.

That's good to know.

Yeah, thanks for telling us.

Thank you, guys.

You're the best.

(Dance music playing loudly)

This is the opposite of being alone!

This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend.

Wow, how'd this happen?

Okay, I'm not a part of this, Schmidt.

I'm not a part of this.

Hi, Cece.

I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch, okay?

You have to stop dancing, okay, so you can go to sleep.

(deep voice): You know, Cece, I think you should dance if you want to.

Why are you talking like that?

Like what? I'm just hanging out.

You get up.

Really? Him?

But I'm doing this.

Come on, get up!

No, I don't dance.

I'm from the town in Footloose.

He doesn't want to dance, Cece.

I don't wanna dance. I'm really good.

Schmidt dances... Whoa! What the...

All right, you know what, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.

That's really not great under here.

You have to love hair.

I think it's time for bed.

You can use my bed;

I'll sleep on the couch.

Over here. Over here, Cece.

Oh.

Over here. Over here.

Are you sheepdogging her?

Over here, over here.

Over here, over here.

Not here. Here we go.

(sighs)

Good night, Cece.

(music stops)

Yes! Yes.

She is sleeping on my sheets right now.

Not yours, bro. Mine.

Parkour!

You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her.

I just have to be cooler than that guy.

Parkour!

A wise man once foretold of a magical night where I would engage in nonsexual foreplay with a model, my friends.

And tonight...

Don't say...is that night.

No, not a chance. Never gonna happen.

You're not a closer.

Oh, I'm a closer. I'm gonna close this conversation right now, my brother.

Watch this. Boom, bam, closed.

Parkour!

Short track speed skating.

Apolo Ohno.

Well, at least this tires him out, right?

Yeah.

Look, she's great. You're gonna love her.

Do you want some eggs?

No, I've got my own breakfast.

I don't need you to...

What?

I don't know.

Take care of me.

Just stop being so nice.

Your mother's being so nice.

Slam on my mother.

Your mother's gonna slam on your mother.

(screams)

And 4,000.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wilkommen.

You're covered in oil?

What, oil? No.

This is just, uh...

You okay?

Schmidt.

Hey, are you okay?

Whoa. Whoa.

I just blacked out for a second.

Anything weird happen?

Okay, I need some water, so can you move?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey.

Just, you know, slide me like a curtain, okay?

(groans)

There you go. I'm good. I'm good.

Sweet.

Hey, can you get me a coff...

(shower running)

What's going on, guys? I ...

Hey. Oh, you're all here.

Um, does the water gets any hotter than this?

Uh, do you want me...

Uh I mean, I could give you, if...

NICK: I could... I'm good at fixing I can fix it, also.

Actually, you know what, I'll just figure it out myself.

But do you guys have any actual soap?

Because all I can find in here is body gelato.

That would be Schmidt's ...

Schmidt's gelato.

That gelato is mine.

If you could just... Don't use it all.

I'll just not touch it.

Okay.

Hey. Why are you guys all in here?

I'm brushing my teeth.

D-Doing my thing.

She hogging the shower? Cece come on. Hurry up.

CECE:

Sorry, j just... I can't find any bigger towels for some reason.

You have a really beautiful body, Cece.

I really appreciate that about you.

Okay, come on.

I did you breakfast.

You did?

Yeah.

Sorry. I just...

Disappointed with all of you.

Especially you.

It was a bad moment.

I thought you were better than that.

I know. I am sometimes.

Did you see that cleavage?

I just want to get my arm stuck down there.

127 Hours style.

And then, and then...

Just cut it for days. I don't care.

I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.

(makes snapping sound)

Schmidt!

You weren't upset 'cause I was dancing with Nick, right?

No, of course not.

'Cause I think he's really into you.

Nick?! No.

No!

Come on, Jess.

This is classic Eduardo.

You want this to go to Cece, right?

(heavy accent):

"Jess."

Okay, I'll give it to Cece.

No. Jess!

You don't want me to give it to Cece?

Sí, sí... uh, for you.

For me?

To give to Cece.

(groans)

We're just friends.

You can't be friends with these guys.

You don't think that every single one of them has thought about sleeping with you?

No, you just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.

They do. That's why I think that.

Don't you hear how he says your name?

"Jess."

He's from Chicago.

That's how people from Chicago say "Jess."

(Chicago accent):

Like "Bears" and "milk"

and "Let's go visit the Sears Tower."

(knocking)

Hey, Jess.

I'm going to the drugstore.

Need anything?

Yes.

Jess, you should go with him,

'cause then you can get that thing that you really need.

Oh, I wonder what that is.

She'll be right out.

Yeah, just...

No. No!

No, you are not coming in here and ruining all this.

I'm happy, I like these guys, and I think they're actually starting to like me, too.

Who did you tell me was your perfect man?

Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.

And I could be girl Jack Lemmon.

He's a total Matthau!

I'm telling you, he gets you.

And did you see his feet?

A guy's feet point at what they want.

His feet were pointing right at you.

Why wouldn't his feet point at me?

Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

Just come on. Go. Get out there.

NICK:

Hey, you ready?

Come on!

Be there in a sec, bro!

You just call me "bro"?

Yeah.


Well, how long is she staying?

Oh, not long.

I know she can be tough to deal with.

Sometimes she just calls me up and she's like,

"Bitch, I love you."

And then she just hangs up.

No other information.

Weird.

But I don't know, I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch."

It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.

NICK: Fine, but does she have to stay with us?

What? I'm sorry.

What-What did you say?

I'm saying stop trying to take care of everyone.

Oh, my God.

What?

What? - What!

Nothing. What?

What?

What are you doing?

I know she's your best friend, but I-I didn't mean to insult you.

Just, you don't have to take care of her...

Okay.

Yes.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I'm just checking...

I just want to make sure...

If I insulted you, I'm sorry.

But what are you doing right now?

Everything's in its place.

What does that mean?

Okay.

I'm just walking like a friend.

Okay, you know what, forget this.

Let's get out of here. Last on the list...

toilet paper.

Um, I don't use it.

You don't use toilet paper?

I mean... That's not what I meant.

That's what your mother meant.

What, did my mother call? What did she say?

No, Jess, I was... Jess, I was joking.

(whistles)

Look at her.

Go for it, man. You know, go do your thing.

I don't like the roof, man. There's a cat up here.

It's crazy. It was raised by birds.

You mean to tell me you're going to let a cat stop you from all that?

It's a bird-cat, man.

It's very dangerous. Look it up. Double rabies.

Right. You can't close.

You just said the magic words, son.

Baby, baby, don't cry.

Look, I get it.

I was the best lover you ever had.

Yeah. A 90-minute session's pretty standard for me.

It was god what?

Oh, it was godlike.

That's very sweet of you to say.

(phone ringing)

WINSTON:

My bad.

Pocket dialed you.

I got dropped calls, then Winston calls. It's crazy.

Uh, the roof, you know what I mean?

Hey, look, if he's ever bothering you...

You both are.

Cool, that's cool.

(cat meowing)

NICK: Okay, what's going on

with you, Jess?

Why do you have to do that?

Do what?

Why do you have to say my name like that? "Jess."

And why do you have to wear old man clothes all the time?

I don't wear old man clothes. You don't like the way I dress?

No, I just...

Did I do something to you?

No, I just need air.

Rose for the lady?

No.

Okay, I'll buy you one. Or two... they come as two? - No, no.

I'll buy two. - No, no.

Great. Thank you.

Wait, what do you mean no? Here, take some roses.

Want 'em? It's two dollars, it's not a big deal.

I want them to go, no.

They're nice roses...

Hey, what are you doing?! Where are you going?

Jess, it was a joke.

What are you doing? Get back in the car.

Where are you going?

That's not the way home.

Just working on Saturday.

Pulling in them ducats. It's crazy.

It's like golden handcuffs, you know what I mean?

It's like, on one hand I'm killing myself, and on the other hand, I'm making all this baller dough.

Ow!

Sunburn.

I told you to take that oil off.

It's cool, man. It's just a little color.

In a couple days I'll be brown just like you, Cece.

Because... because your culture is...

What is my culture?

It's, um... you're... Fff...

Um... Jjj... Jaflan...

Jafanese?

Uh, Sa-Saudi...

Saudiboo...

Um...

Monga...

My parents were born in India.

India... totally. Love India.

He really does.

Hey, Schmidt, why don't you tell her about all the things you love about India.

Uh, sure. I love, you know, uh, I love Slumdog.

I love naan, uh, pepper, Ben Kingsley, the stories of Rudyard Kipling.

I have respect for cows, of course.

I love, uh, the Taj Mahal, Deepak Chopra, anyone named Patel.

I love monsoons.

I love... I love cobras and baskets, Naveen Andrews.

I love mango chutney, uh, really, any type of chutney.

Teepees...

Hey, Schmidt, take a lap. Refresh.

Yep.

That was pretty good.

I know.

You're working a little too hard, though.

Watch this. Schmidt!

Yo.

Go up to the roof.

Yeah, I'm going to go up to the roof.

I'll be there in ten minutes.

Cool. See you in, like, ten.

That was absolutely...

Make me a sandwich.

Sandwich.

I walked home.

I got out of the car and I walked home.

Why, what happened?

His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time.

Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas?

Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.

Don't worry about it.

I will talk to him for you.

No, you won't. That would be the worst, most life-ruining thing you could possibly...

Hi, Nick.

Seriously, Jess, what the hell happened? I've been driving around for the last hour looking for you.

Everything is okay, and we were hoping to get everything out...

BOTH: on the table.

The table which is not a table, it doesn't exist.

Don't worry about the table.

We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.

I was hot.

You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run?

Why are you standing like that?

This is how I stand.

I've never seen you stand like that.

I was really worried something had happened to you, okay?

And you can't just walk around this neighborhood with bags full of toilet paper, that you don't even use.

What?

I told him I don't use toilet paper.

Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you?

Yes, I hear what he's saying ...

He's trying to tell you he cares about you.

No, he doesn't care about me.

So I'm going to make this happen for you.

He cares about me as a friend.

This is so on, Jess.

No, it is not.

No, on it is not.

I'm trying to help you...

No.

No.

Okay, my face is my job.

My face is my job.

Okay...

(yelling)

No! No!

My earring.

Okay.

It is stuck in your hair.

Can you get it out?

No.

Okay, we'll do it on the floor. We can do it on the floor. - Ow...

We're going to get it on the floor, don't worry. Okay.

Ow. - It'll be okay. All right, here we go.

What is wrong with you?

I'm trying to help you.

No, what is wrong with you?

No. I don't need your help.

You don't know... Nick and I are friends.

You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all.

You just hang out with jerks like Gavin.

Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It.

He has diabetes.

Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.

I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.

He's fine. He takes medication.

Why do you just come in and you take over?

It's like you're playing mind games with people.

Don't put this on me, Jess. Ok, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...

Well, I don't need your help.

I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time.

I'm not like you.

I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.

Okay, what did you just say?

You heard me, bitch.

(both laughing)

(Schmidt screaming) Oh...

What is that?

Oh, no.

What, what did you do?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What did you do?

(meows)

Hey, Schmidt. How you doing?

Can I sit with you on your cooler here?

Yeah. Just chillin', hanging with the cat.

Hola.

I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.

That's okay. I'm used to it.

I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.

It's not you.

I love Cece, but she's not ready for you.

You're a good guy, You know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose, and concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident.

Thank you.

She'd eat you up.

You really think she'd eat me up?

Yeah.

Like buffet style?

You know, all you can eat?

'cause I got that prime rib, yo.

Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free. I mean, except for the...

Except for the last...

All right, let's go. Let's go, Schmidt, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Cece. Um...

Look, I get it. This isn't going to happen.

But the couch is super uncomfortable, my sunburn's starting to blister, and I just want to sleep in my own bed.

Okay.

(jungle sounds)

I'm sorry for everything.

I can be a jerk sometimes.

I hate sleeping alone.

Me too.

Sweet.

Sch-weet...

Better when you don't talk.

Yeah.

If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you.

Literally.

Hmm...

Oh.

Hey. (Laughing)

I'm sorry I acted so weird today. Weird!

It's okay.

(brushing teeth)

(phone ringing)

Yo.

SCHMIDT: I did it, man.

I'm holding her hand right now. She's in my bed and she's asleep.

Wait, so you're in... you're in the room right now?

What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.

I did it. I closed.

We could have this conversation at any time.

Shh. Please, shh.

Okay, we're good.

And just so we're clear, when I say "closing,"

this is not what I'm talking about.

You need to define your terms.

Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.