01x08 - Bad in Bed

(Paul mumbles)

Meow.

Meow.

(growls)

(sighs)

(door closes)

Wait, wait.

Are we really gonna do this?

Yes. Yes!

Okay.

♪ Intercourse, intercourse. ♪

Intercourse.

(chants):

Intercourse.

(makes crowd noises)

Sorry, that was weird.

(chuckles)

No, no, no. It's okay.

I have to go to the loo.

Okay.

Hey, tiger.

You're having s*x tonight.

Don't give me that look, just do it.

I'm sorry.

No. You kidding?

Don't worry about it.

It's fine.

I just haven't had s*x with anyone but Spencer in six years, and I get so nervous.

It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.

Don't worry about it. I'm good.

I'm more than good.

It's okay.

You know what?

Tomorrow night.

Let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other.

Just pound each other.

V-bomb on the P-bomb.

(makes explosion noise)

I would have the... P-bomb, right?

♪ Who's that girl? Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl? ♪ It's Jess. ♪

Yes, I'm confirming the appointment.

I made the damn appointment.

That's what. Why wouldn't...

Yeah, okay.

Appointment confirmed.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah, there's not a chance I'm going.

Can you not do this to yourself?

Look at your hair, you look ridiculous.

What am I supposed to talk about for an hour?

It's a haircut.

No, you're trapped.

You can't move, and they're standing behind you with their hands in your hair, and they expect you to talk back.

Oh, yeah, it's your baby.

He's cute.

Yeah, your baby's cute.

Okay, I tell you what, man, just come to my place.

No, I'm not going to a black barbershop, Winston.

I've seen the movies;

I know how fast they talk.

I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.

Want to go to my salon?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

So, um...

heads up, Paul's coming tonight.

And I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree.

I'm gonna be searching for some syrups.

I'm gonna be having s*x with him.

All right.

All right, hey!

Why are you telling us this?

'Cause I want to. I want to give you a heads up.

You nervous? You need tips?

No, I'm not nervous.

Just, you know, I can drive stick.

(chuckles)

Yeah, 'cause it seems like you're freaking out a little bit.

With this whole activity.

That's not stick, that's automatic.

That's not automatic.

Another bathroom break, Schmidt?

You know, I've been timing you all day.

Seven minutes and 23 seconds.

I wonder what was going on in there.

Hmm? You pooped.

Can you stop timing me, please?

It's ridiculous that you do that.

I will break you.

Hey, Lisa!

You were on fire last night, girl!

I'm taking her job.

What did you do last night?

Everyone from the office went to Jill's bachelorette party.

Why don't I get invited places?

Is it because I'm the only man in the office?

"Man." That's adorable.

How is it...

You know, Sarah got promoted.

Sarah?

With the, with the gums?

Yeah.

So she's out of the...

That corner cubicle is free.

(sighs)

So much kick-back space.

And, you know, Gina personally invited me to her baby shower tonight.

So that corner cubicle ... that's all mine.

You like a Bond villain?

You just told me your whole plan.

(chuckles)

(British accent): Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.

Why are we here?

You don't understand.

You've never been cheated on before.

Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...

Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.

It's been six years.

Everything I know about s*x, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

MAN:

He used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the Oval Office area...

WOMAN: Jess!

Mom?!

I'm not listening to NPR.

(whistles)

No. No whistle.

It's terrible!

Uh, excusez-moi.

Can I try this on, please?

Oh, the starfish. You can't try that on.

Health code.

I'll take it!

Ha!

I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps,

'cause this starfish is hungry.

(chuckles)

Starfish eat coral polyps.

Just pay, Jess.

So today I'm gonna show you how to cut your own hair.

Uh, I consider myself...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, Nick?

It's a haircut! Human interaction.

You're a bartender, you talk to strangers every single day.

I don't like when they touch my head, Winston.

I don't like it.

Go to the damn salon!

No, it's fine, okay?

I'm learning how to do it myself.

I'm learning from this video.

(screaming)

Oh!

Oh, my God, man!

(screaming)

I was wondering why it had so many views.

Let's watch it again.

Hey.

(chuckles) What?

You know, Gina, I was just walking by and, I mean, I was literally pulled in here by the glow.

What do you want, Schmidt?

I was just working my tail off at my cubicle, which, between you and me, is surrounded by a couple of chatty Cathys.

I mean, that's really their names.

It's Cathy S. and Cathy G.

Anyway, they won't shut up about a baby shower tonight for a certain VP VP.

"Very pregnant vice presidente."

You're the worst. Seriously, the worst.

Get out.

Gina, honestly, it would mean so much to me if you would just let me come to your baby shower.

Okay, fine. Come to my baby shower.

I can come? - Yeah.

So I'm invited?

Yeah, you're invited.

All right.

I saw your registry.

I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps.

You're just out there in every day life, but you're pumping yourself at the same time, you know.

Just milking away. Just...

(makes shooting noises)

Get out.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Why don't we meet here at 8:00?

PAUL:

Great. Okay.

Uh, where's the place?

Um, I think it's in Koreatown.

Let me check.

Ooh, exotic.

(sighs)

Let me see here.

(woman shrieks, whip cracks over computer)

(man moans)

PAUL:

Jess?

What?

Oh, um...

Sorry, uh...

Can I call you back?

Yeah.

(man and woman moaning, speaking Spanish)

(key clicks, video stops)

Hey, Schmidt!

Can I borrow your computer?

Nick? Winston?

(key clicks, video resumes)

(man and woman moaning, speaking Spanish)

(whip cracks)

(chuckles)

What?

(mechanical buzzing)

(woman shrieks, man chuckles)

What?

(man laughs, whip cracks)

Hey, do you have my comput...

Oh, my computer.

I have your computer.

I can see that.

Hey, I got to cram for this baby shower.

Can I, can I have it back?

I've been watching p0rn.

You...

(chuckles)

I found your red folder.

How-how long you been doing that for? Are you okay?

Five and a half hours.

(horse neighs)

Wow. Uh, you went deep, Jess.

Real deep.

Help me, guys.

I have 15 minutes.

Teach me how to be good at s*x.

I just, I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it. I'm freaking out, okay?

I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed, right now.

What do you want to know?

Okay.

Um, when you're...

if you're in the...

if you're holding the...

Start over.

Um...

when you reach...completion...

Yeah, that was it.

Completion?

No! No, wait.

I can't do this, Jess.

Come on. Come back here.

Jess, guys want to be whisked away.

They want to be enchanted.

Just take your clothes off, Jess.

Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that?

All the time.

For sure.

Probably watching it right now.

Really? Okay.

I put this on mute, because this girl's...

like, pretty loud.

And, um, my main thing that I took away was, gosh, that young lady can really multitask.

Super normal.

She's a pro.

What she's doing.

I don't know if every girl's like that, but she's a pro.

Was wondering if there are any trendy moves.

'Cause I've been doing the same four for the last six years, like...

Uh, and you know, like, uh...

(groans)

That one.

And I don't know.

Do you think that Paul would be into, like, something like that?

What, a little light choking?

I'm gonna bet Paul is into some pretty dark stuff.

Light choking, really?

No one's doing that.

You know what, Nick, maybe you're hooking up with the wrong kind of girl.

Apparently, I'm hooking up with the right girl, Schmidt, because they don't choke me.

Nick is a meat and potatoes kind of guy.

Winston and I...

Don't want to be a part of this.

...we're sushi.

So you guys really think you're better at s*x than me.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

What did you do after you lost your virginity? What did you say to me?

Don't say that right now. You're taking it out of context.

He said, "Winston, is it okay that I didn't get my pants all the way off?"

That's a true story. That really happened.

I was 16 years old.

And I've gotten a lot better.

You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time in college.

It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

Hey, guys, I don't have much time.

Can we get this back on track?

I need to know what to do.

Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?

No.

No!

Absolutely not.

How about role play?

Do you know any voices?

Yes. I can do an old-timey newscaster, like, "Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?"


You're telling me, for the last 15 years, you've been thinking I'm bad at s*x. I'm fantastic at s*x.

Dude, you're scared to get a haircut.

Yeah, I don't like getting a haircut!

It's too intimate. What does that have to do with s*x?

Okay, Jess, here's what you're gonna do.

You got a question, just come to me because I'm obviously the best.

No, you're not the best.

Jess, who do you think, of the three of us, is the best at s*x?

Yes.

And take emotion out of it.

No one's feelings are gonna get hurt.

Go with your gut. - Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's.

No, I'm not doing this.

Say a name.

Go with your gut.

(knock on door)

Oh. Oh!

Hey! Paul!

Hey, Paul.

Hey.

PAUL: Hey.

Hey, goose.

Hey, goose.

(chuckles)

JESS: I'm gonna go get ready in my room.

Okay.

I'll be back.

I'll just hang out with the guys.

Cool.

Hey, guys.

What's up?

What's up?

What's up, Paul?

Oh, you're looking at me like, "what?"

I should tell you.

Um, "Goose" is short for

"me gusta Jess."

Of course.

Come here, sit down, man.

Thank you. - I am so tired of people being so careful with me.

It's like, I am 40

and I am pregnant.

I am not made out of crackers.

(laughing) (laughs)

Hey, ladies What are you guys talking about?

Afterbirth.

Afterbirth.

That's like the, the party you guys have after you have the baby...

Sort of. - You know, I'd like to be invited to that.

You know what they say,

"An afterbirth ain't an afterbirth without some Schmidt up I in there."

Schmidt? Come here.

I'm gonna talk to you in a little bit.

What are you doing?

I'm rocking this party, Beth.

Watch this.

Hi. How's everyboby doing?

You know, I just, I just wanted to take a moment to, well, to say how honored I am to celebrate the journey of Bogart through Gina, and out and into the light.

Here's to elective C-sections!

(women cheering)

Just face it, baby.

You don't know the first thing about women.

Ah, you're the best, Beth. I don't know if you know this about me, but I was in two frats in college.

Want to know why?

'Cause I just couldn't decide.

Hey, ladies! Let's get this party started!

(cheering)

♪ ♪

We're all getting drunk tonight! Except for you, Gina.

Horribly irresponsible.

(classical piano plays)

So, I'm looking forward to having s*x tonight.

Yeah. Me, too.

s*x is the bomb.

(chuckles)

Sorry. That sounded like a guy from Entourage.

Do you like p0rn?

No. Do you?

Yeah, I mean, I... Yeah.

I do, I do like pornos.

Yeah, you know, when my imagination isn't really working...

or I've exhausted, uh, the bullpen.

I just find it very erotic.

And then I just love, like...

everything that's erotic.

♪ ♪

SCHMIDT:

Yeah, party!

Party, yeah!

Yeah, Gina! Yeah!

Baby wants his bottle! Yeah!

SCHMIDT (laughing):

Party!

(cheering, laughing)

WOMEN (chanting):

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

(cheering)

Ah-ha! Yeah!

This is so weird!

(laughing)

I love it!

(yells)

(Schmidt laughing, women gasp)

I'm having a baby!

(wild cheering)

She's having a baby!

Yeah!

...the things people say sometimes, I don't really...

write it, but I think...

Are we going to do this?

Yeah. Definitely.

Sit down.

Okay.

Whoa, wow.

(imitates old-timey newscaster):

You are hot, hot, hot.

Thank you. Hello, weather service? Oh!

There's a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!

I don't know, I don't... what is happening.

We're talking dirty, slim.

Oh, okay. You want me to do... you're doing a voice.

You want me to do a voice? Okay, um...

Well, I'm so happy to be here!

Jimmy Stewart?

(as Jimmy Stewart):

You look ravishing in your...

netting...

Thank you very much.

...contraption.

Now, why don't you let me see your little caboose?

Okay, here. Let me go ahead and...

Your caboose.

Oh, okay.

Your butt.

Oh, my butt! Okay.

Here's my caboose!

Oh, happy birthday, me!

I... Oh.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. Is that okay?

No, it was great.

(as Jimmy Stewart): I just it felt so good, and sensual.

Hey!

You want me to wiggle it around?

How about you help me get a little more comfortable?

Oh. Oh, all right, dear.

Okay, I just don't know...

I'm going to try something different.

Oh. Okay, great.

(imitates old woman):

Young man!

Young man, the things I'm gonna do to you!

Well, I can't wait to...

Young man, don't take all day.

Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but you're wearing chain mail here.

I am not getting any younger.

It's like an erotic rope course.

Okay, I... let me try up here.

I think it's... I can't do the voice and get this off at the same time...

Okay.

Oh. Is that, are you okay?

Yes.

Wow, this is a...

(deep voice):

I'm gonna split you like a log!

(yelling)

Okay. What are you... wait, hold on. What is that?

It's a lumberjack.

Hold on one second.

Can we just... start over, and just kind of go back to basics for a minute?

Just you and me.

Okay.

Okay.

Just our regular voices.

(laughs)

All right.

See? So nice.

(choking):

So nice...

(Paul choking)

Ah, you're hurting me.

Oh, my God!

(gasping)

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good!

(gasping)

Let me get you some water.

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get some water at home.

I-I have good water at home.

No, no, no, I have water here.

I have a filter, it's a special ionized filter...

I got at home.

Oh, I'm so glad you convinced me to go to your barbershop.

Wow, man. I... it actually looks really good.

Right? I look good.

And I loved it in there. You think they liked me in there?

I think they loved you in there, man.

NICK:

Okay, good.

How'd it go?

Is he still in there, Jess?

No more tea.

I forgot to buy tea.

(softly):

Hello.

Where's...

where's the door?

Hey.

What's up, Jess?

You okay, Jess?

I messed up.

He ran away. He got scared.

Why would he be scared?

Because I choked him.

I lightly choked him.

Wow.

That's what happens when you listen to Schmidt.

It's just... when I was with Spencer, I just didn't even think about this stuff, you know?

Just did it.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

You gotta stop thinking about it.

Just relax, and be yourself.

You're awesome.

What do you think, Winston?

Why are you asking Winston?

Because, Nick, look at your hair.

You really don't look like someone who's good at s*x.

I can't believe you just said that.

Here's what you do. You're gonna stop worrying about it.

Completely.

Yeah. That's really good.

That's literally what I just said.

What are you worried about, anyway?

Paul doesn't care what you do.

I've seen the way that boy looks at you.

And he is crazy about you.

I agree, I...

Shh.

I'm trying to listen to Winston.

(knocking on door)

Oh, hi!

Hi.

Paul.

Hey, Winston.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

We'll... step into my office.

Okay. Hey, Nick.

NICK: Okay.

Um...

Hi.

Hi.

So, last night was, um...

No, I'm so sorry.

No, no, don't, please...

Unacceptable.

I'm really intimidated by you, Jess.

You're so experienced, and I've never done any of that stuff, that S and M style... bondage stuff.

It scares me a little, but I...

want to do it, because I know that you're into it.

Just please be gentle with me at first, okay?

I really like you.

Really?

Yeah, I do.

And nothing else matters.

(sighs)

Except, just...

no fire, and no handcuffs, please. Please, please, please.

Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.

And most polyurethanes.

Okay, well, that's it.

And no bugs, too, I don't know if that was...

(elevator bell dings) Paul.

Wait. Um...

Last night was kind of a... low point for me. I mean...

I'm not really into that stuff. I just... I thought that whatever I used to do wouldn't be good enough, or sexy enough, or advanced enough, and that's why I did that...

Oh no!

Sorry. - Oh, no. No, it's okay, it just surprised me a little bit.

I just...

I like you.

Well, good.

I'll walk you down.

Okay.

Oh! Um, the new trombones came in...

Paul...

(gasping, kissing)

(emergency stop alarm buzzes)

You know that doesn't speed it up when you do that.

I know, I know.

(elevator bell dings)

We're about to go see a movie.

You guys want to come?

Sure.

Sure.

Hey, Jess? Is that your shoe?

Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise.

(laughing)

Where the penthouse at?

Hey, old man, what, did you steal those pants off of Danny Glover's grandfather?

(Nick laughing)

I am Danny Glover's grandfather.

I'm a big fan of his work.

He's great in the Lethal Weapons.

No, I'm not.

(laughing)