01x10 - The Story of the 50

$50 in the douche bag jar?

Absolutely, man.

Yes, absolutely.

Why so much?

I feel like it should actually be more in the 100, 200 range, so that's a discount.

Think about what you did, Schmidt.

I lost it.

I lost the party bus.

The party bus for your birthday party?

Yeah.

Apparently, my business isn't as important as Frankie Muniz's.

They canceled my rez.

There's nothing I can do;

The party's off.

You should torch them on Yelp.

Actually, I can do it.

I have an account under the name Fantastic Jacques.

He's a French diplomat with very little patience.

Or you could just get another bus.

In two days?

Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

W-Why don't I just go down to the party bus store, where all the party buses have a state-of-the-art sound system, a stripper pole, a love grotto, and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob.

You honk the nipple.

It's pretty awesome.

Just have the party at a bar.

Nick, this is it.

This is my 29th birthday party.

This is the year. After this, I don't know, it's just... just all darkness.

Was he crying a little?

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.

I'm not okay, Jess.

I had to cancel my birthday party.

It's social suicide.

I can feel my it factor going away.

And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?

Why are you so worried about Benjamin?

He's your friend.

We have a very weird, girl-style friendship where we kind of hate each other.

We're bronemies.

He's my fremesis.

I'm so confused right now.

Okay, look, Benjamin and I... we were suitemates in college.

Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A.

We're going to have so much s*x...

in the morning, in the afternoon, at bedtime.

Mmm, peanuts.

I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna run that town one day... You'll see.

I'm gonna write you a check right now for $100 million.

How do you like that?

Damn, dude.

And this is a real check.

You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome.

Give me about four years.

Do the song.

♪ We built this Schmidty ♪
♪ We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls. ♪

If it wasn't for Benjamin, I, I never would have become a Los Angeles baller.

Holla.

I changed everything about myself, Jess.

I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes, I even dropped my voice half an octave, but it wasn't enough.

I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess.

Okay, I've got it.

We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party. - No.

Yes, 'cause it's his 29th birthday and we care.

Jess, Schmidt's world is different than ours.

They speak a different language.

They shorten every word to one syllable.

Okay, he once called an oven an "ovs."

He calls an airport "airp."

He called ketchup "ketch."

Last month he went to a party called Bros before Hos on the Moon.

What does that even mean?

And the dress code was "yacht flair."

What?

Schmidt has a friend who legally changed his middle name to Doin' It.

Yeah, Doin' It.

Just one word: Doinit.

You are not emotionally, mentally, and spiritually prepared to throw these d-bags a party.

I'm gonna do some research.

Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.

I apologize.

Where are you going?

And why are you wearing your jury duty pants?

I'm not, man, I'm just... mumble, mumble, mumble.

Come on, lawyer party...

the classic fifth date.

What are you talking about?

I'm not gonna apologize for it.

I got nothing to apologize for.

I owe you nothing.

No, I'm having a really fun time.

I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater in front of a bunch of lawyers who are younger than me.

Hello, I'm Bill Cosby, do you like pudding?

My son's name is Theo and his best friend is Cockroach.

That supposed to be Bill Cosby?

That's as good as I can do.

Let's see yours.

Would you like to hear How he really sounds?

Yes.

I want to get some more pudding.

That's the worst Bill Co... How about this?

I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable, and she's the cutest of all my daughters.

I'm really glad that you're here with me.

Yeah, I'm happy you let me be here with you.

No, I really am because I got to, like, kiss all the asses of these 24-year-

old law students to try to get 'em to work here.

I went to law school.

You went to law school?

Yes.

I quit. Yes.

Quit law school... why?

Because I realized I hated lawyers.

He says to the lawyer.

And for some reason I find you ridiculously attractive for saying that.

Why don't you kiss my ass, then?

Look, Julia, I got turned around.

I thought we were doing a flirty back-and-forth...

I'm actually just kidding.

I really do want to do that.

Oh, you would?

Well, we can make that happen.

Great.

Let's go.

Let's go to your place.

Want to go to your place?

Do you mind?

Are you married or what?

No, no, no, n-no, no, no, n-no, I'm not married.

I am the opposite of married.

Before you, there was like, there was like nothing.

I've got, like, no girls on the horizon.

In a hot way.

Why don't you ever invite me to your place or, like, tell me all that much about yourself?

It's weird... I don't even know where you live.

I'm 30 years old, and I live in a loft with three roommates.

In a hot way.

But maybe you can kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby.

All right, let's go.

Is that going to work?

Uh-huh.

Wow, weird stuff works with you.

Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper.

Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I'll hold.

Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia.

Oh.

Hi.

We're just saying hi.

Nice to meet you guys.

Welcome to our home. Hold on one second.

We're doing a surprise party for Schmidt.

Who is that?

Oh, I didn't tell you about Schmidt?

No.

That's our other roommate.

Other roommate.

You know what? You should come.

It's on Saturday.

Yes.

Cool, yeah.

You should stay as far from that party as possible.

Is it like a presents thing or more like a donations to charity situation?

No?

Just bring yourself.

Do you want to head to my room for a little bit?

Give you the rest of the tour around the place.

Great, yeah.

Great.

Bye.

Hold on one second.

Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?

Are you hiding her from us?

Like, are you ashamed of your friends?

100%, and you're not my friend right now.

You're my enemy, Winston, my enemy.

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

No, that's the problem.

Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty, you're the best.

Yes, I just hired my first stripper.

Anything else I should get?

Do you like jazz cigarettes?

Hi, Tanya.

Patti told me that...

Patti told you to break in my office to look for drugs?

Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding.

You can do whatever you want.

I didn't know you liked to shop at the Confiscation Station.

So what are you looking for... grass?

'Cause I can do a locker search on Monday.

Monday's too late because...

Oh, so what do you got cooking this weekend, huh?

You have to tell me;

I'm your boss.

What is it, a list thing, Paperless Post?

I'm free Friday, but I can also make Saturday or Sunday work.

Jess, what are you doing?

I'm making an egg yellows omelet.

The shallots and gouda are going to congeal.

I can't... what is this?

Happy birthday!

It's a party bus.

I'm so excited.

Whoa, Jess, you really did all this for me?

Okay, so...

over here is kosher yogurt and honey.

Kosher yoge?

We got some condoms Over here... small, medium, large, whatever your preference.

Well, I would use...

I don't want to know.

And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole.

It's normally used for stability, but tonight it's going to be used for $50 worth of seminudity.

Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

This is, like, your world, huh?

No...

It is.

It's you in your natural habitat, it's fascinating.

I'm just here for Schmidt. I don't know any of these people.

Nicholas, what's up, N-word?

Don't call me "N-word."

I don't know this guy.

How's your family in Chicago?

Really good, thanks for asking, they're all healthy.

That's good.

Oh, look at this big old pile of birthday Schmidt.

Hey, do you mind if I get a ride on your school bus?

I don't want to be late for first period.

Why you got to do me like that, Been-ja-meen?

What's up, boys?

What up?

Why don't you sing us your birthday song?

Oh, you have a birthday song?

All right, all right, guys, come on.

Sing it, come on.

♪ We built this Schmidty ♪
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪
♪ On rock... ♪
♪ On Tootsie Rolls. ♪

Is that the lyrics?

Yeah, we used to make him sing that because he was fat.

You know I'm just playing at you.

Yeah, hilarity, my man, hilarity.

Yeah, come on, man.

You really live with that guy, huh?

Yeah, I really do.

Does he, like, tuck his shiny jeans into boots when he goes out at night?

You know, the truth is, I met Schmidt a long time ago when we were in college and he was this sweet, chubby communications major who wore cargo shorts and...

Yeah.

I'm actually just messing with you.

Seriously, I think all of your friends seem completely awesome and nice and fun, so relax.

You don't have to say that.

-They're my friends, you can tease 'em.

-I don't want to tease them.

I tease them all the time, they don't care.

Schmidt's a d-bag, you know, but, like, not in a bad way, and, like, Jess is a total nut.

Oh...

And Winston is like this competitive maniac who loves Sister, Sister and he's, like, afraid of thunder.

But I'm the voice of re...

Behind you, he's behind you, He's behind you.

Right now he is?

Currently.

And he's also one of my best friends.

Oh, no, keep going.

You want to go on the bus?

Yeah, let's go on the bus.

I'm really sorry, man, I was just saying that to show off for her.

Oh, no, man, I am bringing you down.

Don't bring me down.

Bro juice?

Vodka pom, right?

Winston said it was a tradish.

Look, Benjamin's smiling.

Jess, you did so good.

Is this stripper pole weight-bearing?

Looks like some pretty shoddy workmanship on the cap flange.

Can I help you?

Martin Fuller, GrindPalace.com.

Hi, I'm Jessica Day.

I spoke with your supervisor on the telephone.

Um, are you bringing the stripper?

'Cause I really wanted to see her jugs first, you know, just so... um, I do right by my bro.

We have a little miscommunicado.

Did you make the call?

Because if they hear a woman's voice, then they send me.

I'm your stripper, folks.

Hey, need to clear this aisle.

I got to have a perimeter.

It's a joke... no.

Please, please, please, no, you can't.

Are you the birthday boy?

You are going to love it.

I do wet towel tricks.

Nobody likes wet towel tricks.

No, he does not love wet towel tricks.

I don't judge, pal. I just want to have fun.

We're not... No. Sir, you are not gonna...

I don't want to be rude, but, uh, times are hard.

It is Saturday night, so if I get hired to take my clothes off, I'm gonna get naked.

So, I'll just put my gym bag down, and I'll take my pants off.

No, no, I'll handle it.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Fuller.

Mr. Fuller.

Mr. Fuller?

Oh, no.

It's getting a little nippy out.

Not a good time to start turtling.

Come on.

Jess, make it stop.

I'm gonna pay you...

$50 to never show us your pen1s.

But what about tips?

I make my living on tips.

Well, can you do anything else for the money?

I'm a baritone at my gospel choir at First Presbyterian.

Everybody, everybody...

hey!

Welcome to Schmidt's 29th!

Safety is of the utmost importance, so the person sitting next to you is gonna be your bus buddy for the night.

Any time you're up and about, please wear one of these fashion helmets.

And I brought drugs.

Tanya has half a pot cookie, so maybe she'll share.

Okay, everybody, have fun!

Martin, sing us out.

♪ Oh, when he comes ♪
♪ Oh, when he comes ♪
♪ He's gonna come for you ♪

No stripping!

♪ Oh, sweet salvation! ♪
♪ Oh, when he comes... ♪

$50. I've never put $50

in the douche bag jar.

Well, that's really impressive, Schmidt, considering.

Someone's personalized condoms just came in the mail.


Hey! Jar! $20.

Winston, did you know that NWA didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone"?

$30. Jar.

Hey, man.

No! Jar, Schmidt.

Jar!

For what?

Somehow, Schmidt, you've outdone yourself this time.

It was my birthday.

I was very drunk.

All right, everybody, I think we need to take shots.

A little bro-juice shot for Benjamin!

What?

For Benjamin is a true...

I'm the king!

Winston and Nick, come and get your bro juice!

Bro juice!

Bro juice! Bro juice!

Bro juice?

I have no idea.

Really?

Yeah.

Nick Miller invented bro juice on Schmidt's twenty-second birthday. Remember that?

Bro juice.

Bro juice! Bro juice!

Get over here for your bro juice!

This is not gonna be attractive.

Oh, yeah!

You know, we're way too old for this, don't you? - Oh, definitely.

Happy birthday, brother.

Yeah!

Happy birthday, Schmidty!

Yeah!

Bro juice!

Bro juice!

When I say "Par," you say "Tay."

Par.

Tay!

Par.

Tay!

Holla!

What am I doing?

It makes you think, huh?

Twenties... they're almost over, man. It's crazy.

Are you hitting that?

Jess?

Yeah.

No.

Well, then I think I'll help myself.

To s*x... with your friend.

No, no, no, Benjamin, you can't.

Not with Jess. Please don't.

Well, I can. I can, and I will.

Good evening, night owls.

It's about to get bubonic in here, for tonight, we're going to...

The Plague.

Sorry. Just... It's just Plague.

It's a discotheque.

We'll be going there next.

Whose list are you on? Tristan's?

Isn't it just like a bar or something?

What do you pull down a year in the game?

Ever since I started doing full frontal, I pull down seven K a year easy.

Why? You interested in the life?

Me? A male stripper? Come on. You're too kind.

But you know, theoretically, if I were to get into the game, you know, what are they looking for in the gator department?

You know what I mean?

Or is it just moving so fast that it doesn't really matter?

It's all about storytelling, taking 'em on a journey.

Let me ask you some basics.

When you thrust, what's your range of motion, side-to-side?

Well, left... right-right.

What about your testicles?

Are they more or less symmetrical?

Size... yes, location... no.

What about your persona?

What? Fireman or a cop?

I didn't ask you your character.

Your persona.

I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you?

Luxury. Dessert.

I'm a warrior poet, man.

That's it.

Got a number for you to call.

You ever hook up with the ladies?

It's ladies, like, one out of ten times at most.

You're dancing for dudes?

Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?

You're so quiet. You're having a terrible time.

I don't mean to be. I'm probably just intimidated.

I'm sitting right next to the inventor of bro juice.

I get it, okay?

That's... I'm gonna brag about that.

I did. I invented bro juice, okay?

And now you want... You're done.

What?!

I get it. When we get off the bus, it's over, I blew it.

It's ridiculous. I don't care about any of it.

I really don't. Everyone's got embarrassing stuff.

I mean, I have stuff that you don't know about.

Like what?

Just don't lie to me about stuff, and we'll be fine.

Fine.

When I work out, which isn't often, Uh-huh.

I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up.

Not ironically. Want to hear something else?

Okay.

I don't believe dinosaurs existed.

I've seen the science. I don't believe it.

Want to hear something else?

No, I think I'm good.

And I believe you, and I appreciate all of this truth-telling.

I don't think you have stuff.

All right.

You're just perfect.

Uh... yeah.

Hey. Scootch.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So, I texted Tristan.

Oh, o-okay.

He said he could get us into Plague.

Oh, that's-that's terrific.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, just you and me, of course.

So why don't you ditch that zero and get with the hero?

The hero is my pen1s.

Oh. Uh... no.

Am I bad?

No.

Hey, Benjamin.

Just leave her alone.

Schmidt, your party is slugs, bro.

All right, you know what?

Schmidt, this party... is the worst.

No, man.

This party is badass, all right?

Don't act like I didn't see you over there eating on the charcut... the charcut... the charcut?

Charcuterie.

Charcuterie.

Charcuterie. Don't act like I didn't see you eating the charcut...

Charcuterie.

Charcuterie...

Hey, you know what, Curly?

You don't like the bus, then get off it, pal.

Schmidty's birthday, bud.

You guys suck.

Let me talk to him for a sec.

I'm a lawyer.

Please.

She's a lawyer.

Hi. Why don't you just say that one more time?

What? You guys suck?

Look out! Look out!

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh!

Is everyone okay?

Yes. No worries, Jess.

Is everybody okay?

I'm so sorry.

What, are you nuts?

Oh, God.

Who are you?

Whoo!

Tanya, please stop flashing the driver.

What, are you like the Bourne Identity person?

I've got these iss...

like, these anger management issues.

Anger management?

But I'm trying to fix it.

I go to all these class...

They're court-ordered classes, but...

And what was, like, all this stuff you...?

It's martial arts.

I started doing martial arts, ironically, because I thought it would give me a little bit more Zen in my life.

You must be really freaked out right now.

Yes, I am really freaked out.

I'm so sorry.

I hate that I'm so turned on by your craziness, but I, um...

Go with it.

I'm going with it.

You guys sure you're cool waiting for the tow truck?

Yeah, it's fine. I'll see you back at the loft.

Bye, guys. Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Bye, Julia.

Bye, Bro Juice.

Thank you for that.

Bro-J, my man.

So, it's my birthday.

Right now?

Right now.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Schmidt.

I'm 29, folks. What's up?

29!

29!

Can you please not tell anybody I just did that?

That feels embarrassing.

Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think.

Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess?

Maybe a little bit.

Maybe.

What? Did you have fun tonight?

'Cause I know it was a little bit... flawed.

Jess, are you kidding me?

Tonight was... tens across the board.

No splash.

Good.

No. For real, I had...

Nobody's ever done that for me before.

Any time, Schmidt. Any time.

Schmidt, why are you looking at me like that?

Shh.

'Cause you had... you had fuzz on your face.

No, no, because I thought...

Oh, my God.

You had a piece of fuzz on...

Oh, my God! Jar.

Schmidt!

You had a piece of fuzz, and...

It was a little piece of fuzz.

You tried to kiss her?!

It was right there and just...

Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.

Yeah, come on. No excuses, Schmidt.

Okay. For you... for you guys.

Happy birthday.

29!

Ten more.

Sorry about that.

Ah, Frankie Muniz.

Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons.

Think about what you can do with that.

s*x stuff.

Jar.

Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?

Jar!

Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve? - Jar!

Darn it! Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?

Hey, Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?

Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised pen1s.

Bishop in a turtleneck.

Ugh! Jar!

Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.