01x14 - The Bully

Oh! Oh!

L'Chaim.

To humping.

I was like a river.

Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body?

You were like a canoe on my body river.

Like you'd ever be seaworthy with those breasts.

Boobies.

I wish there was a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.

I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.

That was the last time.

You said that twice last night.

You'll be back.

I'm like your black tar heroin.

You just need that sweet taste in your veins.

Schmidttle and the damage done.

Neil Young, yo.

Just get me out of here without someone seeing.

Schmidt?

Oh, did you have a sexual guest?

What?

Was it the same girl from the other night?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It is!

Oh, my God. You slept with the same girl twice in a row?

Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise?

Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same girl twice in a row.

I owe you five dollars.

You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m.

Those are the sounds of true love.

Bet she had the time of her life.

What happened?

Did I miss her?

You did.

Man, I love meeting the girls you bring home.

I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down-low, Theodore K. Mullins.

Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

Where we shave each other?

I've always loved you, you're my boo.

Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

So, you gonna three-peat this ho?

Who is this bitch? We want to meet her.

I'm not gonna parade her around like some trophy.

You know me, I'm not that kind of guy.

Oh!

Schmidt told me this was the front door?

What's wrong with her? Does she have a hunchback?

Dwarf parts?

Lovitz body?

She happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman.

She another one of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

How big are her knuckles?

Butter body?

She has a Hitler moustache.

I'm sorry, just, like, I want to banter with you guys in the morning.

I just, like, panicked, and I made a Hitler joke.

I'm sorry.

* Hey, girl

* What you doing?

* Hey, girl

* Where you going?

* Who's that girl?

* Who's that girl? *

* Who's that girl?

* Who's that girl? *

* It's Jess.

Your science projects are looking great, you guys.

Love the potato battery, Harper.

Good job.

Thanks.

Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

Might want to think about changing the name.

Okay?

Okay.

Whoa.

You built a robotic arm.

I think we know who's gonna win.

Anyone can still win, Brianna.

Even me, Miss Day?

Yes.

Okay, lunchtime.

Can I have lunch in here?

Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

In the cafeteria, kids have started playing this game, coin slot.

They put pennies in my butt crack.

I made 46 cents.

No, no, no, you earned that.

Um, Nathaniel, I'm gonna help you out.

Julia sent me a cactus.

She's on a business trip to China, and she sent it to me out of the blue.

I'm not an idiot.

She's gonna break up with me.

Who told you that?

Did the cactus tell you that?

Is this one of those fortune-telling cactuses...

Winston, think. She's gonna break up with me.

She doesn't think I can take care of a regular plant.

Well, you can't.

Any idiot can take care of a cactus, Winston.

She thinks I'm an idiot.

Why are you watering a cactus?

Because I'm an idiot.

Julia sent him a cactus, which means she's gonna break up with him.

Hm.

I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke because otherwise that would be totally stupid and insane.

Snap out of it, son.

Jess, you don't get it.

This cactus is like a symbol of my relationship with her.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

I'm not gonna quit on this.

I'm gonna get her back.

There it is.

Look at that.

Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye, red eye.

Send.

Hello?

Where are you?

Oh, hey, Cecilia, Did you get my junk mail?

I'm in front of your loft.

I know I said that last time was the last time, but... you want to come down?

Yeah, I want to co...

Yeah, I'll come down, that sounds good.

All right.

So, I think I changed a life today, you guys.

I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi.

There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson in the key of learning.

Learning minor.

* He's a plump bird who prefers the shelter of a hole *

* He has a stubby beak

* And a nervous soul

* Because being chased

* By predators takes its toll

* Let the sad sparrow fly on... *

You think singing a song about a kid is gonna stop him from getting his ass kicked?

I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures.

Middle-school girls literally scalp each other.

I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.

What?

But don't tell me music can't make a difference,

'cause it can.

Those kids were videotaping me on their cell phones.

Right.

I think these kids are gonna really remember that.

Yeah, um, You know, this day.

What's the song called?

Um, "Sad Sparrow"

"

" why?

This is why.

* He's not smartest bird or the most pretty *

* He spreads disease What?

* Throughout the city Well, at least the bully's not making fun of that kid any more.

They're making fun of me.

The hawk just took a little poop on you.

I'm not proud of myself for saying this, but it's a really funny video.

* Sad sparrow fly on...

Why can't we just go upstairs for a little Schmidt and Spin?

You just said that everybody's upstairs in the living room.

Okay, fine, what about your place?

My place is not an option right now.

All the models are there.

It's 12 models in two rooms.

It's like a room full of hungry Russians.

Uh, yes, please, let's go there.

What about just a little good, old-fashioned car s*x?

I can't do any of my moves in there.

I like to improvise with my body.

I'm like a sexual snowflake.

Each night with me is a unique experience, Cece.

Okay, are we gonna do this, or not?

'Cause I kind of need this to happen right now, okay?

Isn't there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?

What do I look like, a Gypsy courtesan?

So, how hard are you gonna drop the hammer on the kid who did this?

I'm gonna find this kid, and I'm just gonna...

open up a dialogue.

Not gonna work.

Take it from me, I used to be a bully.

Ow!

Brown lightning!

Wow, you had a catchphrase? Yeah.

You got to hit them where it hurts.

Thank you, Winston, but I have a different approach.

Jerk-sica?

My last name rhymes with "gay,"

and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica?

Reason.

Hey, Schmidt.

Oh, there is? Thank you.

He says we should look out the window.

There's a crescent moon out tonight.

Oh, dip, seriously?

Why do we care about a crescent moon?

I don't know.

I'm gonna live up there someday.

Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?

Hope you're having a great time in Beijing.

I miss you;

I can't wait to see you.

I got the cactus.

Thank you so much.

I'm taking great care of it.

Yeah, things are doing good here.

Everything's really cool, just...

taking names, kicking butt, you know, all that.

So, great, I'll see you Wednesday.

You're the best around.

Nope, that's not gonna be the one.

Hey, Julia, just calling back to say that I get it.

Message received.

I'm the cactus.

If you put me in the desert, I'll grow some needles, too.

You bet I would.

You bet I would.

FYI, I'm not high right now.

Julia!

Julia!

Call me back.

Call me back, Julia.

Julia, it's Nick.

I'm sorry, I just realized about the time difference.

So, if you get this one first, could you please just delete the other ones?

I love you.

What did I jus...?

I don't hear anyone out there.

I think I'm safe.

And I-I want you to know, that was the last time, okay?

This is over.

But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course.

A little sharp aged cheddar? Mm-hmm.

Manchego?

Maybe some buttery Gruyère?

You sure you want to miss out?

I just want to...

slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.

What are you even saying?

How about a little stinky Taleggio?

Why is this working?

I am so turned on right now.

Or maybe some cream cheese?

Want some schmear, Cece?

You know what?

Cece, you should go.

Because if you have the strength to turn all this down, do it.

Yeah, I'm good.

Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the Internet?

Yeah, I can hold.

Want to party with Havarti?

Fine.

Give me the damn cheese.

So, Brianna, I saw the robot arm in the user profile, so I know you made that video.

So I thought we could sit and talk for a minute.

Look, Brianna, I know you're better than this.

Can we talk about you for a few minutes?

Can we talk about you instead?

I'm an open book;

Ask me anything.

How come you don't have a boyfriend?

And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you?

And is it true that your boyfriend before that cheated on you?

Are you barren, Miss Day?

And why is your voice so deep like a man's?

It's no... it's not.

Your happiness seems like a mask.

Well, I better go.

What have I done?

Julia! Welcome home!

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay;

Welcome back.

Are you sure?

Did you listen to all the messages?

I did.

You did? That sucks.

You know, I really didn't mean anything.

I know.

I-I didn't.

Look, I got in my head, Julia, I thought you sent me this cactus because you were trying to tell me that I can't take care of a normal plant.

Which, when I think about it, I probably can't.

Plants freak me out.

I'm way better with babies, actually.

Hmm.

Not that I want to have, like, a baby with you, like, right now.

I can see us having babies.

Please, can we not...

I know, that's not what I mean to say.

No, come on...

I'm getting weird again. What I mean to say, - No, Nick, I need to say...

Julia, please, I overreacted.

I think we should break up.

I do. I mean, I didn't realize it when I sent it...

but then after listening to the seven...

Yeah, I know.

...Seven, Nick, Seven, yeah.

Separate voice mails about the meaning behind the cactus, I don't know, it really just clicked in for me, and I just, I don't think that we should do this any more.

I'm really sorry.

So I was right about the cactus.

Okay, what kind of crazy person destroys a child's robot?

Can you bring me, like, a bunch of Phillips head screwdrivers and, like, a Crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?

What if I'm busy?

Thank you, Winston.

I really needed that.

It's been a really hard week.


Hey, man, I'm going to the beach to watch the sun go down, 'cause I love sunsets.

Did you know that about me?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, Julia dumped me, so sad face.

Hey, do you want to come with me to the beach?

'Cause I feel great, I'm ready to rock, but I really don't want to be alone.

Scissors?

How am I supposed to fix a robot arm with scissors?

Those are my good scissors.

Why do you have good scissors?

You know, the news only focuses on what goes wrong.

Never talks about what goes right.

Evolution.

That's it. Come here.

You know?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm gonna kill him. Can you get him out of here?

Hey, guys, you guys want to watch The Piano later?

Here?

You want to do it here?

Okay... all right. What's the scenario?

We enter separately, pretending to be strangers meeting in the bathroom.

You want me on the can, off the can?

No, I just, I just need to pop in this party for, like, 20 minutes.

When I come back, we'll have s*x.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'll crack a window for you.

Crack a window for me?

Yeah.

What am I, your s*x dog?

What... what if I have to go to the bathroom?

Why don't you just give me a chew toy.

Come on, Schmidt, stop being such a big baby.

Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?

Yes. Absolutely.

100%. I'm 100%

ashamed of you.

What-what a revelation.

Okay, come on, Schmidt, I can't be the first woman who's ashamed to be with you.

Okay, look, I won't go into your party, if...

if you go to breakfast with me tomorrow.

In public.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, really?

Really.

I mean, I can survive breakfast.

I'll be back soon.

Hey, Wendy. How's it going?

I hope it works.

I didn't get a chance to test it.

Even broken, it's still got a shot at top prize.

I mean, have you seen some of this crap?

"What can old people do?"

"Does it taste better with hot sauce?"

My friends.

Guess what I just learned.

What's inside of a pumpkin.

Apparently, a lot.

I didn't know.

Whoa!

Winston, you have to get him out of here.

You see him, he's about to blow.

I'm not having him by himself right now.

There's Brianna.

Hi, Brianna.

You must be Brianna's moms.

I'm Miss Day.

Right. The singer.

You're the one who sings.

This is Brianna's project, a robotic arm.

Start it up, Brianna.

And a project bursts into flames.

Brianna, what happened?

Someone must have sabotaged it.

Bet it was Nathaniel.

Hey! Get my scissors out of your mouth!

What is wrong with you?!

He's been creating problems for our daughter.

What are you gonna do about it?

Nathaniel, come over here.

Um, actually, uh...this is my fault.

I sabotaged the science project.

You did what?

What?

And it was totally unprofessional.

And I'm sorry, but your daughter is... how do I put this?

Brianna is difficult.

Difficult? You're the one that sabotaged her project.

You daughter sucks.

Okay, she is a demon seed, she is the spawn of Satan.

And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that people like her should not be building robots.

Who are you?

Brown lightning.

I want her disciplined.

No! No!

Wonderful.

Hey, no.

No.

Why can't we all just love each other, right?

What are you doing?

Want a science project?

How about this as a science project: love is a myth.

Why is this Earth so big and I am so small?

So, yay, Earth.

Be optimistic? Learn?

We're all gonna die alone, so...

My office, 9:00 a.m.

How embarrassing.

I was right about the cactus.

I assure you, I'll be watching Miss Day very closely.

Hey.

Hi.

I am so sorry, Tanya.

Don't be.

I love it!

Jess, you're a real teacher now.

What?

You're a kid hater.

You're one of us.

Come here. Welcome.

I'm-I'm not a kid hater.

That's right.

None of us are.

Hey, Brianna.

Can I speak to you?

Look, I know I'm not your favorite teacher.

You don't like my style.

That's fine.

But I'm not gonna change who I am, so you're just gonna have to deal with it and respect it.

Also, you're gonna take this paper, and you're gonna sing a duet with me.

What?!

Oh, yeah.

Everybody, settle down.

Camera phones are encouraged.

No.

One, two, three, four.

You really don't want to be seen having breakfast with me, do you?

Are we even still in L.A.?

Schmidt, you and I are not together.

We're not in a relationship.

We're just having s*x.

And I love it.

And I'm not gonna be a prize that you get to show off.

Look, guys are always just showing me off, and I hate it.

Look, I... I want to tell people because I think that you are the dopest, flyest...smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.

Do you want to tell the waitress?

Uh, if I could have everyone's attention.

Real quick, if you could, uh...

Hey, guys, call a time-out to whatever-whatever-

whatever that thing is. Okay, great.

I am having s*x with this woman right here.

You want to stand up?

No. Okay, you don't want to do it? All right, great.

I'm enjoying myself im-immensely.

Uh, it's, you know, a physical thing, but I am definitely, for real having s*x with this girl right here, to completion.

Parkour!

Hit it!

Down! Hit it!

Down! Hit it!

Yeah.

Hey.

I got you a real plant.

Yeah, I don't want it, Jess;

I'll just kill it.

I know.

You're a plant killer.

And I write songs.

We're weirdos.

But that's who we are.

And that's fine.

And you have a giant cactus needle sticking out of your face.

What? Where is it?

Can you get it out? Get it out. Ow.

* So it's time we all make a change *

* Find somewhere else for our loose change *

The song is called "Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?

Yeah.

It's catchy.

I mean, the title is flawed, there's no question about that.

But you are kicking ass with the comments.

Look at this.

"This teacher is muy caliente."

Hot, hot, hot.

"I'd like to grade her on a curve."

Yep.

"Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."

Finally.

Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?

Yes. Yes, they are.

* A robot arm.