01x15 - Injured

Nick, go out ten yards, cut left.

Winston, go long, post right.

Jess, go down, out towards the parking lot.

Get in the car. We'll meet you back at the loft.

Oh, very funny. You're a comedian, Schmidt.

Hike!

Schmidt! Come on!

(groaning)

Oh! WINSTON: Did you see that?

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm oka ... (groaning)

What is going on?

JESS: Nick... Nick, I'm so sorry.

(groans) Oh, my God!

This is real!

Probably your lateral sizer.

Shut up!

Can you just...

Okay, let's go. (screams)

Rotator cuff? JESS: Can I...?

What do you need?

Nothing from you.

Please go far from me right now.

I can taste my spine.

Three or four down there ... vertebrae.

Why is no one helping me?

Not you! Not you!

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

(groaning)

Are you sure you're okay?

You're walking like a Disney witch.

Let me drive you to your doctor.

I don't have a doctor.

I don't have insurance.

Nick, you need to see a doctor, if only to make sure that your junk is clean.

I don't go to doctors. JESS: I'll take you to my friend Sadie.

She'll just look at you ... she won't charge you.

Okay, I don't go to doctors!

Are you sure you're okay driving?

Yes, I'm fine. I've never been better.

I'm great.

Thank you.

(engine starting)

I feel better already.

See you guys back at the loft.

(crashing)

Oh, my God!

Oh!

What did you just...?! NICK: I'm okay.

I'm okay. Don't worry. WINSTON: Oh! What did you do?

(groaning)

You hit my car!

I'm okay.

(Winston groans)

Oh, Winston, relax.

Okay? Relax.

That's all I did. I did this.

The rest was already there.

Actually, I think I undid a dent there.

I'm taking you to see my friend. Get in my car.

No... Jess, no. Oh!

Now!

So she's fitting us in between patients.

(Nick groans)

Jess?

Is Sadie a gynecologist?

No, she's an OB/GYN.

(groans)

I'm going to go.

It's a different thing.

I'm going to get out of here, actually, I think.

Yeah? I don't think you are.

(groaning)

Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum.

Nick!

I don't have a v*g1n*.

You can take mine.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

I heard that, sister.

True dat.

(Nick groaning)

Okay, you know what, Nick?

I'm sorry that my only doctor friend is a gynecologist, but you're broke, so you're going to have to shut your mouth, and you're going to tag the things that you want in this Lucky magazine.

We're gonna have to put this baby to bed. - No.

No, no, no, Sherman, look, uh, I don't think you understand, man.

This car's been with me through everything, so... if you could just fix it.

This is not really officially a car anymore.

You didn't even buy the thing ... it was given to you as an illegal recruitment gift from a college you didn't even go to.

Things happened in this car.

Like what?

Desert Storm?

Oh, things happened.

Is this your car?

Yeah.

Cool.

Any time.

It's time for you to buy a new car, man.

You buy a new car!

I bought a new car.

It's what you borrow every morning when this one makes the weird sound.

(imitates squealing, moaning engine)

That's not a good sound.

Just give me the keys.

You shouldn't call them keys.

It's a paperclip that you start the car with.

(engine squealing and moaning)

SCHMIDT: See, that was the noise

I was talking you about.

WINSTON:

Shut up.

You know you don't have to sit like that.

It's the only way that it feels okay, Jess.

Jess!

JESS: Sadie.

Hey. Hey. How are you?

SADIE: Good. How are you? Hey, good to see you again, Nick.

(straining):

Hey. Hi.

We were playing football, and I tackled him.

Oh. Well, that's not exactly how I saw it.

Oh, I'm surprised you got hurt. You're such a big boy.

Jess tackled a girl I was dating once.

Oh, yeah.

She tried to steal my overalls.

Okay, so... does that hurt?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes!

All right.

Does that hurt?

(groaning loudly)

All right. He can flip over.

Okay.

(sighs)

So... listen.

This is not an official examination, and I am not officially telling you that you bruised your spine, and I am not officially giving you these pills to manage the pain.

Okay.

So...

please don't take those pills.

Take the pills.

Don't take those pills.

JESS: Take the pills.

SADIE: Nobody prescribed them.

Take them. Take them.

Why would you take them?

No. That's bad.

That's a code. Take them.

JESS:

That means do it.

Don't do that. No...

Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps, so they should cure your baby back ache.

JESS (chuckling):

"Baby backache."

Wait. Stop.

Hey, take another sip of water.

Yeah, um... JESS: What? What's wrong?

No, it's your thyroid. I noticed something while you were swallowing. Do you mind if I...?

I mean, I don't know what choice I have.

JESS: Do it, Nick!

Okay, Jess. Stop.

Yeah, he has a growth.

Oh, my God.

A growth.

Oh, no.

Everything works. I can swallow.

Oh, my God.

Everything's fine. I know what you're talking about.

You knew about this?

Yes.

So you've had it checked out?

No, no, I don't...

I don't have that stuff checked out. I'm fine.

I can set up an ultrasound tomorrow morning, first thing ... I've got a friend.

I can't really afford an ultrasound, but...

You're going to have to, so...

Yeah.

SADIE: All right. So I'll set that up?

Absolutely.

Right. Right.

Make sure he goes, Jess.

Don't look at me like that, Jess.

It's probably nothing.

Yeah, it's nothing.

Oh, God.

Put the baby's head at the bottom.

I'm not going to go tomorrow.

I'd rather not, because I don't want to get an ultrasound.

I just don't have time.

No, I've got some writing I got to do.

The truth is, with working out, I've got some people to see, so I just can't make it.

I lost a stamp.

It sounds worse than it is, but it's a somewhat expensive stamp and I had planned on looking for it.

One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles was to get closer to whales, so I can record them.

I haven't gotten around to it because where we live is actually east.

It's way farther from the ocean than I expected.

I appreciate your concern.

It is really sweet. It's nice.

But this machine's still kicking, you know?

You're going.

And I know your scared, but you know what my mom used to do when I got scared?

A Daffy Duck impression.

Please don't do what you're about to do.

(imitating Daffy's lisp):

Hey, Nicholas.

I'm sorry you have a lump in your throat.

That's despicable!

Sorry. Too much?

Okay.

I got to go to work.

I'll come with you.

Oh, absolutely not.

I'll just sit by the bar.

No way.

(lively conversation, laughter)

You told them, Jess? Really, it's not a big deal.

Don't tell them.

We're just hanging out.

With my best friend.

Come on, Schmidt. What are you do...?

(sputters)

You just Fredo-kiss me? What's your problem?

Go sit down.

You're going to beat this, man.

I don't have anything.

What is going on with you guys?

Thanks for telling them.

I take those, too ...

when I got a heavy flow.

Good to know.

Hey.

Hey.

So I heard.

Of course you did.

Can I get a vodka soda?

(chuckles)

Thank you. You being normal...

Vodka soda.

Okay.

It's because he refuses to wear a Bluetooth. You know that.

I gave him one for his birthday, too, but he just laughed in my face.

Gave it back to me for Hanukkah.

Well, according to this Web site, it could be a colloid nodule.

But that's most common in golden retrievers.

I thought my lifestyle choices would rub off on him.

I tried to set a good example.

Treat your body like a temple.

Treat your body like a temple.

But he treats his like a dump.

Like a dump!

Let me see this.

Oh, my God.

NICK: Hey, hey.

My friends.

Can I just say that these pills are amazing?

I feel, like, really warm in my uterus.

Oh! I feel good.

Feel real good.

What's with the long faces?

Schmidt?

Just looking at you and your beautiful soul.

Big, strong Nick.

He's a champ. SCHMIDT: I wish I could trade places with you, 'cause you know what, Nick?

I would do it in a second.

But I'm also glad that I can't.

Okay, what is going on with you three?

(crying): Oh, God. Jess?

Oh, God.

Hey, are you okay?

You're gonna freak him out. You're gonna freak him out.

You're freaking everybody out.

Why are you crying?

Schmidt, are you crying?

'Cause you're not helping.

'Cause you're making me cry with your emotion.

(Winston sobbing)

Really, Winston? You?

It's just that I love you so much, man.

Stop it. Enough.

Hey, I'm fine. Just stop it.

How do you know you're fine, Nick?

Is that... would that be where... in my neck?

Hmm.

(taps piano key)

I'm not going to lie.

Mm-hmm.

I think the pills are on top of me a little bit.

I think you're right.

It's so sad.

Yeah, it's really sad your friend's getting an ultrasound tomorrow.

It's just so hard.

Are you using your best friend's medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?

Why isn't the whole world making love all at the same time?

How many...

ears does Daniel Boone have?

He's got a... a right ear, a left ear and a... front ear.

"Frontier."

Get it?

(both chuckling)

You don't get to speak at my funeral.

What?

For sure.

100%.

What? Why?

Because of that joke.

Yeah, but...

Jess, you don't want to talk at a funeral.

I've tried that once.

What kind of dummy fixes a washing machine using a knife?

This kind of dummy!

It did not go well.

I don't want you talking at my funeral!

Okay.

You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk.

My funeral is my time to shine.

I want the girls to think,

"I wish I brought Nick Miller to orgasm."

And I want the guys to think,

"I wish I bought him more stuff."

And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks.

You don't... you don't know how to be real.

I can't have you trying to cheer people up.

I know how to be real.

Question: Am I wearing a hat?

SCHMIDT:

Nick Miller.

Almost a lawyer.

(playing piano)

♪ This is a sad song... ♪

Oh.

Mm.

♪ This is the saddest song in the world ♪

Yes, it is.

Mm.

♪ This is the saddest... ♪

You just keep singing, man.

Okay.


♪ This is a sad song ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
♪ Saddest song in the world ♪

Got a nice voice, man.

It is so weird being sober right now.

Can I get some weird rapping?

♪ Nick Miller, Nick Miller ♪
♪ From the streets of Chicago ♪
♪ 'Cause players play like they do ♪
♪ Like they did ♪
♪ Mm-hmm ♪
♪ Sad song ♪
♪ 'Cause the ballers ball and the ... in the hood ♪
♪ 'Cause he's Chi-town hustle ♪
♪ In the world ♪

That's sounds great.

♪ 'Cause the people love the ... of Chicago ♪
♪ Represent him,

'cause the players ♪
♪ Don't play and the players in the city ♪
♪ Nick Miller, Nick Miller's ♪
♪ A stone-cold killer ♪
♪ Huh! Sing it, you know, you feel ♪
♪ Likes the taste of vanilla ♪
♪ Nick Miller, Nick Miller ♪
♪ He's the illest of the ill ♪

Cece's rapping!

♪ He pours 100 drinks ♪
♪ And none have ever spilled ♪
♪ Plus he's super-high ♪
♪ On a bunch of pain pills ♪
♪ His favorite movie is ♪
The Big Chill
♪ He's got a hairy chest ♪
♪ 'Cause he eats a balanced meal ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪

Kickin' mad flavor in his ear.

♪ Sad song ♪
♪ Huh, huh ♪
♪ 'Cause the ice in my glass represents ♪
♪ The tears from my eyes, I love you, dawg ♪
♪ This is a sad song ♪
♪ Nick Miller, Nick Miller, yo, streets of Chicago ♪
♪ Rough and tumble, one love, you my heart ♪

JESS:

♪ Nick Miller, Nick Miller ♪
♪ Never does anything. ♪

(pounds keys)

What?

You want me to get real and stop being all cutesy and whatever, fine.

Let's get real.

You don't do anything.

Mm.

What did you want to do?

I mean, isn't there something you wanted to accomplish?

Hey, I've done things.

I wrote half a book about zombies.

Okay, just tell me.

If you could do anything, what would you do?

You know, I'm the guy who... I can't just jump into something if I don't know what's gonna happen.

I never have been that guy.

Like, I'm the, I'm the guy that, if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something.

Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it.

I don't do it.

Like, if everybody would go into the ocean and jumped in the water, well, I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

All right.

All right, Nick.

All right.

Get out there.

Yeah.

I'll hold your wallet.

I don't have a wallet.

All right, well, that's fine.

I have a sandwich bag with my license and money in it.

Okay, I'll hold your sandwich bag.

Get out there, go.

It's a little cold.

Just in terms of running into the water, it's a tad on the cold side.

Well, you know what, just... it's just...

(laughs)

(laughs)

(yelling)

We all taking our shoes off?

What's going on?

I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's pen1s.

(Nick yelling)

Nick ... he's gonna sh ...

he's gonna show his pen1s to the ocean and not me?

Nick, wait!

(laughs)

I'm alive!

I... am... alive!

(chuckling)

I'm alive!

(yelling)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

This is stupid!

No, it's cold!

My testicles are in my abdomen!

What was I thinking?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That is so cold!

That is so cold!

Words cannot describe how cold that is!

Nick, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay, Jess!

I'm not okay!

All right, I woke up today and I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football, then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer!

So, no, Jess!

I'm not okay!

(sighs)

SCHMIDT: I don't think this is the right time to bring this up, you guys, but...

does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds?

(sighs)

You know what I'm thinking about, Ceec?

What, Schmidt?

That when you stand up, there's gonna be, like, a perfect imprint of your butt in the sand.

That is what you're thinking about right now with your best friend down the beach going through what he's going through?

I know, I know.

Then why would you say that?

I don't know why I would say that.

Why would anyone say that?

I've never gone through anything like this.

Yeah, well, I have.

What happened?

My dad died when I was 12.

That's, um...

The only way to get through it is to get through it.

You know, I had a cat that died...

Don't compare my dad to your cat.

It was a big cat.

I mean, human size.

(chuckles)

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Is this seat taken?

(chuckles):

Oh, please.

Here, will you help me up?

(grunts)

I know that you're right.

You're right, I have to start doing things.

I can't just...you know.

Jess...

I like you a lot.

I really do.

I'm glad you're around.

I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning, am I?

Most certainly not.

Oh, no.

(laughs)

Yeah, it's... yeah.

(laughs)

Yeah, we should go home.

Yes.

Let's go home.

Hey. We gotta wake up.

Morning.

What?

Hey, Schmidty!

(whistles)

Wake up, wake up! Everybody, up!

I got that ultrasound thing.

We're late.

What?

Oh...

Hey, Winston.

We're late, man.

SCHMIDT:

Ah, fresh air.

Back to the fume chamber.

NICK: Couldn't even sell it for metal.

Hope you didn't get sand in my car.

SCHMIDT: Yeah, that's this car's problem: too much sand.

Oh, my God, there's soot coming in from the floor.

(clears throat)

Hi. Uh, my name is Nick Miller.

I-I have a 9:00 a.m. today.

Fill these out. I'm gonna need a copy of your health insurance.

Oh.

I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually.

It's a mixture of, uh, paper money and change.

I do have a check that's postdated.

There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear.

I hope that's good.

Jess ... oh, yeah.

Do I have to do this now?

How long does it take to tell if someone has cancer?

Guys.

Hey.

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I'm fine. It's nothing.

Yeah.

What was it? What did they say it was?

I didn't hear anything after they said,

"You don't have cancer."

I blanked out. I think it's, like, a cyst or something.

Ugh.

Stop Fredo-kissing me, Schmidt.

All right, so what do I owe you?

Let's figure this out.

I've got, uh...

It's already taken care of.

What do you mean it's already taken care of?

Oh, we split it.

All right, well, I'll pay you guys back.

I just...

And can you please get a wallet?

I do have a wallet.

A wallet.

I have tons of wallet chains that you can borrow.

♪ Deep inside the ever-spinning... ♪

Hey, Jess?

Hmm?

What happened last night?

Nothing.

(ignition sputtering)

(chuckles softly)

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(sputtering stops)

NICK: Let it go, bud.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just got to give it a second.

Bye.

SCHMIDT: It's cruel at this point.

The car's dead, bud.

(ignition continues sputtering)

♪ I'll take care of you ♪
♪ If you ask me to ♪
♪ In a year or two... ♪
♪ Oh... ♪

Don't walk so damn fast.

I'm coming.

Can't a man say good-bye to his car?