01x16 - Control

SCHMIDT: Here? You're dropping me off here?

R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket?

Look at the size of that guy.

He's clearly new homeless.

We're a mile away from the loft, Cece.

I'm not getting caught with you.

I'm gonna have to run all the way home.

And I have my slippiest loafers on.

If I were you, I would get walking right now.

You're never gonna get home before dawn.

Okay, look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us, but you cannot just call me at anytime and just summon me for intercourse.

I have no control here, and I'm stressed out all day long.

It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.

I'm totally falling apart.

Okay, Schmidt, you...

you really need to learn to take a breath and calm down, all right?

We're just being a little spontaneous.

Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt:

"spontaneous, flexible, easy-going."

I'm like a Marine.

You're nothing like a Marine.

I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? Fine...

I'm... I'm out of here.

Take these, and take care of them ... I can get a tetanus shot, but I can't cure damaged suede.

JESS:

Can you believe

I found this on the street?

Who would want to throw this away?

A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight?

Get rid of it, Jess ... pine has no place in this loft.

It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things. - Jess...

(chuckles)

you're wrong.

Okay?

My answer's no.

Well, my answer is yes.

I'm keeping the hutch.

I had a bad night.

I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me.

'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.

You would not dare.

Try me.

That was the worst four weeks of my life.

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Hey, Winston, why are you still drinking?

It is 10:00 in the morning, man.

Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever.

Well, why is there no girl version of you, my man? (groans)

Moving on.

So, last night's poker game.

Got pretty intense.

I don't even know what you're talking about ...

I was so hammered last night.

I've never been more sober in my whole life.

I'll remember this as long as I live.

I'm all in. Uno, bitches.

Read 'em and weep.

Straight flush.

Aw!

So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?

20 bucks?

Yeah.

You owe me $487.

Come on, Winston!

Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad!

I want to put one thing, one thing in the living room, and he won't let me.

I'm not putting up with this.

Oh, yes, you are.

We live in a fragile ecosystem.

It's a delicate balance.

It's a broken ecosystem, dominated by an apex predator.

Chill out, Jess.

We let him run the house, no big deal.

The boy cooks and cleans ... and happily, I might add.

Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night

'cause he was so excited to clean up after us.

I know he's been bad lately, but...

Schmidt's an odd bird.

He can't handle it when things aren't clean and orderly.

It's been that way since the day he moved in.

Welcome to your new home, Schmidt.

Come on, play ball.

(whooping, laughing)

Coming home!

(gagging)

Well, I'm fed up with it.

And he's got to learn how to relax.

And, Nick, why do you have...

cannons drawn all over your back?

Those aren't cannons, Jess.

Long-stem mushrooms?

Nope.

Oh, so that's...

not a mossy cave.

Mm-mm.

Mmm, no.

Probably not.

(door opens)

What the...?

What is happening...?

I can't take this right now.

What, do we live in a pawnshop?

Hey, Schmidt.

(chuckles): Hey, Jess. What, uh...

Where did all this come from?

I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster outside an animal shelter.

And I found the lamp underneath the afghan.

I'm gonna assume that these are your spices jammed in here with my spices.

Yep.

I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla was not touching my Tahitian vanilla.

Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching.

(breathy voice): What's it like living in the most populous isle in French Polynesia?

(French accent): I could tell you, or... I could show you.

(breathy voice): Not in front of the cloves.

Where's my burr coffee grinder?

Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch.

You put it in the hutch?

The... aah, this thing was on the street.

It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt.

I think it'll be okay.

A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder.

You know what that means? It means it doesn't smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder.

It actually grinds them, for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile!

Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly to make homemade crayons.

Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt?

Uh, yeah, that's fine.

If you're looking for your oven mitts, they're in the top drawer of the hutch.

(chuckles):

Oh. Okay, fair enough.

Hutch is gone.

No.

No, no, no.

No. - No hutch.

No, no!

Stop! Don't move the hutch.

Bye-bye, hutch!

This thing makes me emotionally nauseous!

This is my hutch. Don't move it!

All right, you're right, you're right...

I'm so sorry. You're right.

It's a beautiful piece.

It looks great there.

My apologies.

Thank you.

Oops.

Schmidt, you have a real problem.

You've got to learn to calm down.

Yeah, yeah.

I love the beach.

Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch?

Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet.

Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here.

This is a great place to talk about your problems.

Jess, this sucks ... I just want to go home.

Schmidt, come here.

Look. You got the birds in the sky.

Sea and sand.

The wind in our hair.

(grunts)

You've lost your kite!

Have fun flying your string all day!

Sorry I forgot my wallet.

Thank you for paying;

It's delicious.

Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying,

"Hey, man, don't forget your wallet."

And then I still forgot it.

You still forget it. Wow, it's weird.

Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.

Yeah, I said that.

Okay, this is a good segue.

(sighs):

Um...

can I talk to you about something that's kind of tough?

(sighs)

Yeah, man, shoot.

"The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us.

I feel that..."

Oh, man!

I thought this was about something serious.

You set that up like it was about something different.

This is about the poker?

Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax.

"If I am reading this section, then I can only assume

"you have told me to relax.

You wrote that?

"Let me assure you I am very relaxed,

"although I have good reason not to be,

"as you owe me a very large sum."

I will pay you the money, you clown.

"I am aware that we're both broke,

"one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick.

"I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder

"and have hit rock bottom,

"where you, Nick Miller, Thank you.

"Have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years.

"But I want that money.

"Give me my money. I really mean it.

"It's my money. You owe me that money,

"so give me my money. Seriously.

Are you finished?

"Where is the money, dude?

You wrote "dude"?

"But I am not without pity.

I am willing to just call it an even $200."

Everything let go with just $200?

Right.

All right, I can do $200.

$200? Two hundo clean?

Yep.

All right.

I did pay for gas here, though.

So that's, let's say, ten bucks.

So we're at $190.

We'll say clean $190.

I hate to be this guy...

but I got the fights on Friday, so that's $30. So let's call it $160

and be done with it.

$20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140.

Just to be fair.

And I didn't write a stupid letter about it.

But let's say right now $140.

You ate a lot of the nachos!

Littering!

$15 for littering!

♪ What a way to live... ♪

How fun is this!

It's not my cup of tea.

♪ Don't you know that life ♪
♪ Don't wait for death? ♪
♪ Choo-choo ♪

(whistle blows)

(screams)

No!

No! No, Jess, no!

I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, you are legitimately crazy.

I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess?

No, I mean, you're like aging-

ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, professional-magician crazy.

It's my mom's fault ... you know, I come from a Jewish family, but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house was because my room was dirty.

The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate.

That's why I got fat.

Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork.

It's because you didn't have any structure.

You know what I mean? That's what happens when you don't have any rules.

None of these people have rules. Especially that guy.

He's wearing ladies'

bikini bottoms.

SCHMIDT: Jess, I'm not like these people, okay?

I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake.

And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, because they're not ... they just have nothing to do.

That's not me. It's not that easy for me.

Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt.

Just be spontaneous.

(rhythmic percussion playing)

Hey, Nick.

Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly sitting here working hard making lots of money.

All right. - But if you'd kindly just pause that for one second, I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle.

Account number one:

A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle.

Bam. Here we go.

We're doing this, huh?

Yeah, we are doing this. - Great Item number two:

Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name ...

"It's Nick Miller Time.com."

"Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man.

I'm gonna be a big-time blogger."

I have to go to work...

Uh-huh.

...At a bar, where

you drink for free.

Wow.

How much does four hundred cognac and colas add up to, Winston?

You want to go there?

Yeah.

Okay. How about all the times I sat around listening to you bitch and moan about how Caroline broke your precious little heart?

Okay, in eighth grade...

Eighth grade.

...You "accidentally" saw my mom naked. - Mm-hmm.

Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby.

(laughs)

Okay?

So how much is that, in terms of money?

'Cause I haven't gotten over that.

And I would say four to $5,000.


Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade; in terms of mon ...

I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks.

JESS:

Mm, he did.

He let go.

(drumming, chanting)

He washed his hands in a public restroom.

And there was a man in there.

And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door.

And I didn't break eye contact.

Not once.

That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Hey, Schmidt.

There's a spill.

I know.

Do your exercise. You know.

Yeah, okay, the exercise.

(clears throat)

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I feel great.

I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, like a common ranch hand.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on?

You messed with the ecosystem.

And you guys said it couldn't be done.

You have no idea what you're getting into.

You're welcome.

JESS: Schmidt, you're killing

with me with that drumming!

(rhythmic drumming, Jess moans)

JESS: You're killing me!

Look at this mess. How did this happen?

So, this is your fault.

No. No.

This is good for Schmidt.

'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him for years.

You make him cook, you make him clean...

Where's my money, dude?

Frankly, it's... sexist.

Oh, my God. Ew!

How's it sexist?

Who's cleaning up?

I cleaned this morning.

All right, fine.

I'll clean, you guys go to the store.

Act like an adult.

BOTH: I'm not going to the store with him.

Where's my money, dude...?

Stop throwing things at each other.

JESS: Oh, come on. WINSTON: Where is the money?

You're a child.

...My car, too, while you...

SCHMIDT:

Silence, friends!

I made you necklaces.

Hey, do you want to go to the store?

Please, God, yes.

$100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks?

It's only $100?

$100.

You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man.

Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.

We don't need a baked ham.

All right.

Winston?

Sorry about that.

Really? Really?

Two cake mixes?

Really? All these soups?

Pizza? Frozen pizza?

You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die? Shut up, dude.

We have enough ketchup. We have enough ketchup! Come on, really?

Next, please.

Oh, hey, how you doing, sir?

We only have $100, Gary, so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100?

Yeah, you got to include tax, too, so, like, $93, just... Cool?

Yeah, just that'll do.

Okay, guys.

Thanks. - I'm gonna put my stuff at the front,

'cause you obviously don't know how to shop. - You're being ridiculous.

Are you getting me?

We have enough ketchup.

(chuckling)

Epsom salt?

Yeah, okay. - What, are you too good for regular salt?

You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot.

Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot.

Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie.

Aw, Winnie...

Fine.

You don't owe me anything.

The slate is clean. We're good, we're even.

Oh, good, that's how I feel, too.

Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner of Best Boobs.

Really, Best Boobs?

Yeah. Master's Division.

You're gonna talk about my mother?

You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs?

Is that... you gonna go there?

Don't push me in a supermarket, man.

You started this.

Did you just slap me in the face?

No, I did not.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm not afraid of you, man.

Don't act your...

(grunting)

NICK:

Grow up, dude!

(singing to himself)

Hey, Schmidt.

Oh, hello, Jess.

Hey.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, just checking up on you.

Oh, I see you're eating street meat wrapped in street meat.

This is my man, Gordon.

You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon.

Excellent.

Did you go to work today?

No, no. No work.

I haven't been there in a while.

How long is a while?

I don't know. Three days?

Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here.

I shouldn't have done that.

Please come home.

Why?

So I can cook and clean?

So I can show you where the vacuum is?

WOMAN: All right.

(drumming starts)

Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is.

That is one reason why I came here, but I really want you to come home.

Everything's falling apart without you.

Nick and Winston are fighting all the time.

And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox.

Schmidt, just listen to me, because you don't belong here, like, really.

Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth?

How about when you dress up like Shia Labeouf from

Wall Street Two for Halloween?

Do you remember when you said jazz music was America's greatest mistake?

Say it in drums, Jessica Day.

Me hablo drums.

Hey, man.

I got the last frozen thing.

I was gonna ice my wrist, but...

How about this?

Take half, pal.

So kind of you.

(chuckling)

That hurts, man.

(sighs)

I am so hungry.

Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery?

What were those called?

Ants on a log.

Ants on a log.

I just got why they're called ants on a log.

Looks like ants on a log.

(door closes)

I'm hungry, man.

Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy?

No, it's me.

What the hell happened to you?

I went down to the beach, and I tried to talk to Schmidt, but he just ignored me, and he went back to twirling his fire baton.

He's really bad;

He burned a lot of people.

I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times before they actually light it on fire.

Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt is really complicated.

'Cause you want to change him so badly, but you can't

'cause he'll just get worse.

You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem.

(sniffles)

This is not what I wanted.

I just wanted to put my hutch here.

Make the place my own, be a part of the family.

What family? With these clowns?

Yeah, you clowns.

Well, look, you want in, you're in.

Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess.

Aww.

Yeah, we don't "aww"

in this family.

(door unlocking)

(mumbling)

Hey, guys.

Hey, Schmidt.

Um, we need to talk.

Something not cool?

Schmidt, we miss you.

You just want me to clean.

No, that's not true.

Well, it's a little bit true.

There's truth to that.

Okay, look. I want you to clean.

Look, we're so proud of you for letting go, and relaxing.

But this isn't like you.

You can run away from your problems, but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up like hepatitis.

And Nick and Winston want to say to you that they really miss you.

You're freaking me out, man.

Why are you wearing that crystal around your neck?

Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy.

All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt.

Look, I need you, Schmidt.

Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear and to exercise more often.

I need you to make fun of me when I call a panini a hot sandwich;

How am I ever gonna learn?

WINSTON:

I even miss your hair chutney.

Without you, man, we're just three idiots who live together.

(sighs)

You make us a family.

(chuckling) Well, I'm the cool rebel brother.

You're the mom. - The mother. - Mom.

NICK: Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us, I'll let you clean my room.

The white whale?

Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed.

How many stray socks.

JESS:

Hey, Schmidt, I got you something.

Is that a boutique box?

A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers designed by a man named Calvin.

Never been tried on.

Pockets are sewn shut.

Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there and rip?

Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this on your bongo drum, and you can, you know, give them a whirl if you feel like it.

Just make the right decision.

(whispering)

Come home.

Take the pants.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Oh, come here.

(sighs)

(chuckling)

Calvin.

You magnificent wizard.

(water running, dishes clattering)

Scmidtty.

Nick, your hair is doing that thing that I just... I just hate.

And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you move the furniture out? He could use the exercise.

You're looking a little, you know... (sputters)

He's back.

And Nick, Winston, we have a urinal.

How are you still missing?

(door closes)

CECE: Schmidt?

Schmidt, wake up.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey!

(both screaming)

What...

are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here? Come on!

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Cece, before we continue, I clearly have no control in this relationship, and... I'm fine with it.

Good.

But know this, you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m.

for a little bit of this Schmidt, so who's really in control?

Shut up!

(sighing)

Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants?

What? They're slacks.

What's the big deal? Calm down. - Oh...

SCHMIDT: Look how excited Hector J. is to see you.

CECE: Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so...

Ooh, look, he's knighting you.

Oh, no, please stop knighting me.

Don't...

Lady Cecelia...

No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave.

You have entered the order of the round table.

I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my...

Oh, I want to stay.

Dame Nasty Cece.