01x18 - Fancyman Pt. 2

Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.

Naked with a kerchief?

What?

Naked with a kerchief.

No, what do you call top, no pants?

Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.

There's a Donald the Duck.

I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi

'cause that's naked with a tie.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

I saw his entire butt.

Look, Dirk's a good guy.

He was my roommate when I was in law school.

Smartest guy I know.

So, he's a lawyer?

No, he's not a lawyer, but he does have a law degree, a business degree, and a master's in agriculture.

He's kind of like a degree collector.

He's got his PhD in poetry, so...

That sucks for poems.

How'd it go with Fancyman?

It was an amazing first date, except for one awkward part at the end.

I don't go on dates very often.

Guys my age always want to skip the date and just go right for the gold.

Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold.

Unless they dig for it.

I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet.

Oh, hi.

Black sedan?

Uh, yeah.

What?

So, he patted me on the back.

I thought I'd at least get a front pat. Whoo-ha!

What?

Look, he probably just got nervous.

No, Russell's never nervous.

That's the worst answer.

Winston, what do you think?

Oh, thank God.

Hey, what's up, baby?

Ooh.

Hey, is that Shelby?

What was that? That was a cat sound.

Oh, because you did the whip, we should've...

Guys! - It should have been the other way around.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.

But next time you guys want advice about girls, don't come crawling to me.

You got it.

That sounds good.

No, that was a joke; I love it when you guys ask me stuff. It makes me feel really important.

And I love it...

"One shade the more,"

"One ray the less,"

"Had half impaired the nameless grace."

Are you wearing a ladies' scarf?

Come to my lecture tomorrow night.

Absolutely not.

She's missing out, my man.

Hey, Schmidt?

Yeah?

Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport?

Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.

Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh,

"man-bulance"?

The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday.

That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.

Ooh... What the hell is wrong with you, Winston?

The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys.

It has the towing capacity of a thousand Shelbys.

You know what? Here you go, Winston.

There you go.

Enjoy luxury.

All good, man.

I got your second set, so thank you.

How'd you get my second set of keys?

Hey, someone left your door open.

Someone left your face beautiful.

Who is that?

Apparently, his name is Dirk.

Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.

But should that stop you from seeing this?

Yeah!

That's awesome. Does he keep you happy?

He does what he's told.

So you're the boss and he's your little secretary?

Oh, you're a sex-cretary?

I am definitely the boss.

Sex-cretary, he just made that up.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess ♪

I hate bachelorette parties.

I have, like 50 different pen1s items in my carry-on.

This plane goes down, there's gonna be some sharks doing some really weird stuff.

Sharks? I thought you were going to Vegas?

No, I'm going to Mexico. I thought I told you that.

Hmm-mm.

Well, if you don't want me to go, I don't have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to go.

It'll be good, you know?

We spent the last five nights together.

I mean, you know, we both could use some space.

Right.

Did I say something wrong?

What?

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you across all the space.

Hey.

Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower.

Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid ten minutes.

Eat this granola bar first.

I want to try something called the horse trough.

No, Cece.

I'm not having s*x with you right now.

I have to get everybody in the company's name into a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Totally fine.

What do you need, like, 20 minutes?

Cece, this... Okay, this is real work for my real boss who is not you.

Oh, I get what's happening here.

It's 'cause Ponytail called you a "s*x receptionist."

A s*x receptionist answers calls all day.

A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office.

So, first of all, thank you for the demotion.

And second of all, I quit.

So, I'll see you tonight.

Did you not hear anything I just said?

Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear, but do you know who didn't happen to hear you?

What are you doing?

Don't-don't-don't involve them.

Oh, my...

They just didn't hear.

Don't bring them into this.

Don't tell me.

Tell them.

Hi.

I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar, I love... I love you both.

All the zany adventures we've had.

But we can't go to White Castle today.

Just can't do it.

You're serious about this?

Cece?

Is Schmidt bothering you?

This is not over.

Okay?

Was it like a caress or like a... like a pat?

No, like a pat;

It was distinctly a pat, and it was actually kind of hot.

The man knows how to pat a back.

At any point during the night, did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?

Maybe.

Once or twice.

No, stop, it freaks me out and you know.

Well, what do I do?

I really, really want to see him again, like, badly.

You just call him.

I can't.

He's too sophisticated.

He told me he'd run with the bulls, and I quote,

"not the touristy bulls in Pamplona."

Big deal. Just call him.

Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone, she loses her power unless she's sexting, in which case, she gains a half power.

Okay, well, that's Schmidt just talking...

I mean, what does Schmidt know?

Look, all the guys that you live with ... boys.

You've only dated boys.

Russell is a grown man, and I bet he likes women who know what they want and ask for it.

He has a hot air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs.

Okay, sweetheart, you are sophisticated.

You've just got to pick up the phone, and you ask him out for dinner.

You know what? You're right:

I am sophisticated.

I'm gonna do this.

What is that?

It's a phone.

Oh, God.

And thus ends our journey through the words of time.

From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan, from Dylan to Dylan.

They're both named Dylan.

Watch him bring it home, man.

Do I have to?

We have to rage.

"Rage against the dying of the light.

"And when the light is no longer bright."

"Don't think twice, it's all right."

It's over.

Smartest guy I know.

Professor?

Professor?

Yeah?

We wanted to remind you about the post-lecture wine and cheese event.

A soiree, eh?

Super classy.

Crackers, bubbles, crab, hummus.

Yeah, I-I e-mailed you about that.

That was me. - Oh, sometimes when I get a really long e-mail...

I don't read it.

Bye.

Oh, Mommy.

All right, Dirk, what about Deb?

You guys having problems or something?

No, no, no, everything's fine.

She left me and moved out of the house.

I guess it was "too hard to support me."

"Financially."

It's all fine; her leaving has allowed me to realize the one thing that was missing in my life.

Scarves?

Undergraduate ladies.

You see, girls our age, what do they want?

They want us to wed them, sire their children.

They want you to have a-a bedframe.

Right, yeah.

Hmm? They want you to eat off plates, but girls in college all they want you to do is tell them that their photography has potential.

Yeah, but don't they want to hang out wth guys their own age?

Have you hung out with a

20-year-old dude lately?

Trust me, they are setting the bar very, very low. - Right.

They haven't even gone through their gay phase yet. - Hey, man, I'm gonna give Shelby a call really quick.

Just want to check on her, see if everything's all right.

Sounds good, man.


What, dude, relax, okay?

I just said we're gonna give each other space, doesn't mean I can't call her, right, to see if anything funny happened on the plane.

You know what "space"

means, right?

That's space to have s*x with other people.

No, space means you go to Mexico, and you do not have s*x with other people.

Watch this.

Nick, don't give my any space.

You got it, my man.

See, this makes it pretty hard for you and I to have s*x right now, doesn't it?

Now, Nick, I want you to give me some space.

You got it.

All this space allows me opportunity to have as much s*x as we want.

Smartest guy I know.

See how much s*x we could be having?

That-that does...

Get out of my way, bookworms!

You ready to make love to some college chicks?

Hey, when's the last time you had mono?

I don't know.

Tomorrow, you're gonna say yesterday.

I have that team-building research you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.

What... are you wearing?

I don't... I don't know.

I mean, I found this at the lost and found at the gym.

I'm not really sure how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be.

I've never had to do this.

I've never had to seduce somebody before.

If you're gonna seduce me, don't dress up like my aunt Frieda at Seder.

Come on, okay?

I will do anything, and I'll do it anywhere.

All right?

Even fantasy location...

number three?

Okay.

Um, how good are the Beatles?

Beatles are the best.

Were you so upset when they broke up?

I would have been, but I was one.

Well, you're not one any more.

How's your prostate?

Uh...

I had my breast exam last week, and, like, they're fine.

It's just boob in there, but we have to be careful.

Our bodies are decaying.

Are you okay?

You seem strange.

Why didn't we kiss the other night?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

Oh.

What?

Hey, I...

Is everything okay? Oh.

I got to go.

This ought to take care of the dinner. - Yeah.

Okay?

Oh, I cannot believe I almost left without, um...

Here, there's cab fare.

Get home safe.

Oh.

Baby, look, I don't want space, okay?

I don't want anyone to have space.

I want to be standing right in front of you.

I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth.

I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.

No flights tonight.

Hey, Schmidt, do you mind if I borrow your car again?

"Of course you can, Winston. You're so great."

Thank you!

Nope.

Hey, my name's Nicholas.

Nick, Nick.

Buddy, nobody ever regretted throwing an after party.

Oh, I do.

Dirk, I feel so old here.

Is calling a girl "Shorty"

still cool?

We just got to find your angle with these college girls.

Your hook, your panty-melter.

Usually, my hook is that it's closing time, and I'm there.

You were a panty-melting icon in law school.

If panties were snowmen, you were March, bro.

Hey.

Don't-don't do this.

Skyler, Miriam, come over here for a second.

Don't humiliate me, Dirk.

How cool is my friend, Nick?

Are you a professor, too?

No, no, no, I'm a bartender.

30 years old, I don't have health insurance.

You know how to make drinks?

Panty-melter.

Do I know how to make drinks, did you say?

Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?

Yeah, I do that professionally.

You could get me drunk professionally?

Are you a cop?

Sometimes.

Do you have identification on you?

I gotta call Jenna and tell her I'm making out with a bartender.

Five nights a week.

Jess, you made it to the party!

What's going on? Why is the cast of the Social Network

in our apartment?

Dirk is a genius!

20-year-old girls ... they think I'm awesome!

And look at 'em!

They don't know what

Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.

I'm Skyler's Fancyman!

Can you believe it?

Where's your Fancyman? Where is he?

I don't know. It was horrible.

He left and gave me

$100 for a cab!

You know what?

I'm gonna use the remaining 90

to get out of here and start a new life.

It's been nice knowing you.

Hey...!

I'm gonna die alone!

Oh, no!

I am so, so sad right now.

My heart hurts!

You want Nick to make you a bayberry breeze?

'Cause he is so smart.

So smart.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do!

This.

I'm not happy! 30 sucks!

Ah, weird party move.

♪ It's time to try defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try defying gravity ♪

It's been two hours.

This is officially crazy.

Also, I have to go to the bathroom.

Just pee yourself.

So you'd rather sit in my urine for the rest of the car ride than admit to Winston that we're sleeping together?

Yep, absolutely. Don't even have to think about it.

I don't want to ruin what we have, okay?

Because if people find out, they're gonna have a lot of questions, like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?"

And, "Seriously, why?"

You think we have something to ruin?

Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary.

And I was wearing shoulder pads.

So I obviously must like sleeping with you.

A secre-tarty.

Shut... up.

This is pretty great.

I'm freezing.

Yeah.

I'm so cold.

How are you not freezing?

Does brown skin retain heat?

♪ Instead of dreary who-you-were, well, are ♪
♪ There's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular ♪
♪ Lar ♪
♪ La, la ♪
♪ La, ah-ah, ah... ♪

Take out your tampon and drink, Trevor!

The Flip Queen has spoken!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Shelby.

Babe, I don't want space.

Neither do I!

That's why I'm at your apartment.

I got on a plane. I wanted to see you.

What?!

Babe, look, I'm in Mexico. I came to see you.

Are you serious?

I miss you, Shelby.

You're so sexy, girl.

In or out of the wig.

I don't care. Shelby.

You make me so feel brave, babe, and I've never felt like this about anybody else before.

I love you.

And I carry your soul-song with me wherever I go.

I love you, too.

I'm coming back, baby. No space!

Are you traveling with any non-US citizens?

You actually catch people with that line?

No, sir, just me and my American heart...

full of love.

Then how do you explain...

this?

I can't... sir.

No one in the entire world can explain that.

I am so tall!

I feel like a Chinese basketball player.

Russell?

Oh.

Hey, Jess.

I'm not Jess.

I'm her cousin... Sylvia?

Are you doing okay?

I want a donut.

Then let's get you a donut.

Please?

I want to talk to you... alone.

Well, this is a fun group.

Hmm. Can you drop me off at my dorm?

It's called Hamilton.

I'd like to vomit now.

God!

I've never jumped out of a moving car before!

That was bad-ass!

Hey, uh, kiddo.

Okay.

Nick, that's the road.

What's up?

You want the woods.

I want the woods. You're smart, Russ.

Come here.

Hey, it was nothing.

You're okay, Russ.

Okay, we can hug some more later.

This isn't her, you know.

She's not like us.

She's one of the good ones.

Time to make the puke, Russell.

So listen, man, it's-it's really important to us that our completely equal sexual relationship where neither one of us has the upper hand, uh, remain a secret, and while I respect the fact that you listen to

Wicked while you're alone, I could use that information against you at any point in time.

By the way, there's a stop sign, like, right up...

Is that a stop sign?

Well, you'd probably want to slow down...

Oh, my God. Maybe it's a go sign.

I don't think it's a go sign.

Because if somebody like you is sleeping with someone like her, then maybe the whole damn world is upside down!

It's just what I'm thinking.

And I want to talk to you.

I want to have a chance to explain.

That's okay. I understand.

I just... I thought you wanted a sophisticated lady, but now I realize that you like dating younger girls

'cause we think you're cool.

And you know what?

It's working because...

I think you're a hotty with a body.

Oh. Um...

I got to tell you, I didn't ask you out because you're younger than me.

I asked you out because I like you.

But I-I've forgotten really how... how to do this, you know.

I haven't dated since 1989...

when I took her to the picture show in my buggy.

1989 was, my friend, the year that I learned to use the toaster by myself.

Oh.

The text I got at dinner was from my ex-wife.

Sarah's with her this weekend, I didn't pack her inhaler.

She was having an asthma attack.

Is Sarah okay?

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks. I-I...

I just feel like I should have explained.

And I really wanted to kiss you the other night.

Really?

I wanted to do more

than kiss you.

I'd like to do you, at some point.

Like, you know, really, really give it to you good.

Uh, but I've forgotten how to tell whether it's the right moment.

I was nervous.

You were nervous?

Nick was right.

He can be really wise sometimes.

Oh, my God, it's happening!

It's coming! I think I'm dying!

I feel scared and excited!

What do you think?

What do I think of what?

Do you think now is the right moment?

I think so.

Okay.

Get out of me, you poison!

Wait. Is that your hand?

No.

That's my hand.

Oh, my God!

You're welcome.

Get out of here, Dirk!

You get out of here...

Come here.

Hey!

Oh, no!

Where are you guys?

Hello?

Hey, where are you guys?

Hey, could I have walked out into the mountains?

When does a hill become a mountain?

It just happened.

I'm so cold.

Who is this?

Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!

Dirk is dead!

Greatest guy I knew.