01x21 - Kids

But you're using birth control, right?

Yeah, of course.

It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.

I didn't want to know that.

Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.

Yeah, no, of course not, of course.

It's just...

I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.

Just, I mean, I, I don't know.

Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day?

Probably.

We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.

(chuckles)

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

SCHMIDT:

Ladies, ladies, what is all the screaming about?

Oh, my... Jess, have you finally agreed to be our third?

Because, you know, we've discussed this.

We have never talked about that, Schmidt.

What? Schmidt, this is not the time.

Schmidt, we were just thinking about what you might have been like as a baby.

Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby.

I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing at eight months old.

But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper.

Oh, my God.

Get out. Seriously?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪

All right, what's with the suit?

And if you say swing dancing, I'm gonna slap your face.

Well, my boss is going to be on TV today...

Michael Strahan's new talk show On the Strahan Narrow.

Great show.

He's got too many DUls to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him.

JESS:

Sit in my room, Schmidt.

Cece's resting.

Hey, guys, um, listen up.

Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior.

Who's Sarah? Russell's daughter, so no F-bombs, P-bombs.

Actually, no "B" through "S"

bombs, no bombs, and no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi.

(chuckles) Hey, that's not fair.

The girl I've been hanging out with is totally mature and interesting.

Please put on some pants.

Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants.

Your hair looks nice.

BOTH: Ugh.

Mmm, this coffee is smoldering.

So creepy.

So what's with the babysitting?

I think he's actually testing me.

I think he's seeing if I can be a mom.

Are you nervous?

It's nothing I can't handle.

I'm halfway there... I'm already her teacher, so...

(phone chirps)

Oh, she's here.

Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants or at least some really high socks.

High socks it is.

Hi, Ms. Day.

Hi, Sarah.

I can be here in under five minutes if I need to be.

(sighs)

Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, except my husband is out of town, and you're Sarah's favorite teacher and my husband's favorite teacher.

(chuckles)

Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, but, um, you keep saying

"husband"

and I just want to make sure you and Russell...

you're not still married?

(laughing):

Oh... no, no.

(both laughing)

'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't some very important piece of information that I totally missed.

No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly?

Cece's acting really weird.

Do you think she's getting tired of me?

I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop s*x.

I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra?

I'm not listening to you.

I'm just, I'm just saying, look, do you think she wants something more than s*x? (phone ringing)

Do you think she's finally becoming a girl?

'Cause I can't handle that, man.

Hey, boss. What are you doing?

Hmm?

Look...

W-W-Wait, n-n-no, yesterday you said noon, but it's only 10:30.

Do you think that I've become too dependent on a hot lava massage?

Hmm?

I'm gonna be there in just a second.

What about costumes?

I got to go, bye.

Do you think I made her dress up too much?

Look, man, I'm not going to sit here and bond with you about this, all right?

I got to go babysit my boss.

JESS: Hey, Schmidt, you gonna stay for dinner?

We're going to borrow your pasta maker.

Oh, that's great, are you gonna teach Sarah your recipe for overcooked mush?

JESS: Ha, ha, no, I'm teaching her about Italy.

NICK: I'm coming with a date...

Chloe. Uh, no, you're not.

You are not bringing any of those girls around Sarah.

Hey, you must be Sarah.

And you guys are wrong about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy and the guy who did the Obama poster and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy.

That's stupid.

Your eyes are so brown.

They look like poop.

Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo?

There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue.

Old poo eyes.

(Sarah laughs)

(sighs)

Oh, hey.

I like your house.

It's not my house!

Go, go!

What?

(speaking Cambodian)

Go!

(tires screeching)

(yelling in Cambodian)

What's going on?

What are you talking about, man?

I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes.

What do you think is going on? I don't know, I'm just trying to give you an opportunity to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite.

Actually, the ancient Egyptians made pasta by flattening the dough with their feet.

Cool, huh?

Sarah?

Hey.

(chuckles)

Why do you have so many bras?

You're a teacher.

Teachers need bras, too.

You know, like, all that erasing and stuff.

It's like...

That's an after-

school bra.

Can I get out of doing homework because you're dating my dad?

No.

Um, hey, I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.

Really?

Yeah, anything.

Are you in love with my dad?

Hmm... oh...

Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?

G... uh...

Is sexting cool?

What? No, it's not cool.

Have you done a 99?

I think that's a tax form.

Have you ever given anyone plow jobs?

I don't know.

How do you make love to a person animal-style?

Do you want to learn how to play bridge?

SCHMIDT:

I've been doing some thinking, and

I think it's time that I take you on a real date.

You're asking me out on a date?

Yeah, it'll be our first real date.

Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration of all things Italian featuring ice dancing's biggest and brightest Italian stars.

Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't.

I can't go right now.

It's a really bad time, okay?

I'm sorry, just take someone else.

You mean, like another girl?

Yeah, Schmidt, that's what this is.

That's the deal.

Just take someone else, okay?

All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just...

I'll ask somebody else, I'll just... yeah, totally, and with these VIP tickets I got... poppacorno.

What?

Poppacorno.

Poppacorno.

It's "popcorn"

in Italian.

I don't think you should be rushing into these things.

You need to look for a partner who is...

Ew, you said "partner."

I know, that sucked.

I'm sorry.

Look, as your friend Jess, not Ms. Day, just choose someone who makes you laugh.

Like Nick?

Yeah, I mean... wait, what?

Oh, my God, oh, my God, I love Nick so, so, so much.

He's so hot.

That Nick?

I want to rub my face on his face.

(moans)

Just to be clear, I am dialing another woman to go see Italy on Ice right now.

CECE:

That's fine, do it.

Hey, guys, not now.

Oh, it's ringing.

Don't care.

This room cannot take any more hormones.

I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary with low-brow youth culture.

It's almost too much juxtaposition for me.

You know what I mean?

It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, but I think I'm gonna let it slide.

(ringtone playing)

Hey, I got to... yes.

You've got Nick.

Hey, Nick-ole.

What it be, girl?

What's going on, Schmidt?

What you got going on, ma?

It's the freakin' weekend.

Did you just call me "girl"?

Are you wearing something sexy?

Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always.

Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight?

Hmm, they're a little loose;

I buy 'em big.

Oh, them jeans sound sexy.

Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt?

You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me?

I'm not doing, like, squats or anything.

I'm trying to eat less doughnuts.

You still keeping it tight?

You're an idiot.

What?

I thought this is what you wanted.

JESS: This is a really good example of people who should not be making love.

Have fun.

Cece, are you okay?

Damn it!

SARAH: You don't understand... I love Nick so, so, so much.

He's so hot, I'm going to die.

Sarah, Nick is way too old for you.

I live with him.

He is dirty and weird.

No, no, no, no...

Sarah, not Nick's room.

It's not well ventilated in there.

Let's see, we'll get there a little early, maybe get you in the shower, maybe a once-over with some disinfectant.

Hmm... hey.

Yard sale... pull over.

(chuckles)

No.

Someone rich died, I can smell it.

Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

I'll push you out of the car, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, yard sale, yeah.

Oh, I feel so alive.

Aah, I got a charley horse.

Oh, God.

Hey, Sarah.

Can you come out of Nick's room?

I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes.

Jess, Schmidt asked me out.

Oh.

Like, he came over and he asked me out, and I really can't go on a date with him right now.

Okay...

(Cece and Sarah talking)

Sarah! I've had enough of this little...

Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me, all right, you little brat, you just need to be quiet because I need my friend to focus on me right now!

(whispering):

What are you doing, Cece?

You know how much this means to me.

Don't let your dysfunction rub off on her.

I am going to be a terrible mother.

No, no, no, shh.

A terrible mom!

I'm gonna be just like my mother.

You're gonna be a great mom.

You're gonna be a fashionable mom.

I can make this right, okay?

Just...

Sarah?

Hey, Sarah.

Um, look, you should definitely not be having s*x right now at this age, but when you do, just make sure you always use protection because, even if he says it's tantric and you're Indian and you know better, you're just going to end up pregnant anyways.

SCHMIDT:

What?

Cece, are you pregnant?

SARAH: Whoa!

Sarah, Nick has one tie.

See if you can find it.

CECE: No, okay, I don't know.

We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late.

Oh, my...

We made a caramel miracle.

(laughing):

You pregnant, you pregnant.

Oh, my God.

You got Cece pregnant?

We used protection. I don't know how this happened.

Think she did it on purpose?

An Indian-Jewish baby... who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure.

Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent.

Don't ask.

No one's asking you.

Phew, good.

I'm not into being an uncle.

You're not my brother!


Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this?

'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact that you're not freaking out!

Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing.

Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, but maybe this is fate.

You know, maybe I hit the jackpot.

Maybe this is the universe telling me that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece.

By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt.

Chloe. Mazel tov on your news.

Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas.

You bring home a nice girl.

Right?

So... that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?

I liked it.

Your life's like

Gossip Girl,

only everyone is old and poor.

You know, there actually was a show like that.

It was called Golden Girls.

I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...

Don't you think Nick is hot?

Nick? Um... yeah, in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way.

What's he like in the morning?

Do his eyes get sleepy?

Does he love stuff?

I want to love what he loves.

Do you think that we'll ever do animal style?

Four minutes! We eat in four!

I made you a mocktail.

Cece, are you crying?

No. No. (sniffles)

No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know.

You're an amazing woman, and you're going to do and be so many things in this life.

Maybe you'll be a mom, and maybe... maybe not.

But I will support you no matter what.

Thank you.

I also just want to give you a quick heads up.

I'm probably going to be going on the internet before we have s*x again, because I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know?

I mean, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.

(loud munching, fork scrapes plate)

So, Sarah and I learned to use the pasta maker today, which was cool.

Are you and Nick making love?

Hmm?

Who wants seconds? That's my question.

Yeah, I would love seconds, Jess. That'd be great.

If you're a boy, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, Menachem Menandel, Schmerson.

Hey! I'm watching you.

Well, time for dessert.

No, please don't get up. I will take care of it.

Oh, thank you. That's so thoughtful.

See? Thoughtful and mature.

In your face! Yes!

Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners.

You win. Why don't you get on her health care plan?

(blowing raspberries)

SCHMIDT:

I'm so excited to take this journey with you.

I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous.

JESS:

Sarah, do you want to go help Chloe with the dessert? I hate her.

Oh, come on, you don't hate her.

You don't know her well enough to hate her.

Yes, I do! I know her.

She used to ride on my school bus.

No, no, no, that's...

What?

Oh, my God, that's why you look so familiar!

You were that crazy little kindergartner who had, like, the imaginary friends.

Oh.

You're the skank with the skank face.

Sarah, I know you're trying to look cool in front of you you know who...

What?! You told him?!

No! I did not tell him.

You just told him!

Oh, my God, Jess!

(door slams, Jess sighs)

What are you saying?

When was the last time you were on a school bus?

Last year.

How old are you?

18.

(groaning)

JESS:

Hey, you know what, Chloe?

I actually think I subbed for your eighth grade English class.

That's right! Hi, Miss Day!

Hi.

(Nick groans)

Well, it's a good thing I got you an extra shirt, 'cause...

(grunts)

Whoa! Joe, Joe!

Where you going? Where you going? Wait.

Where are you going? Uh, sorry about this, man.

Hey, don't make me chase you! Do not make me chase you!

Joe, come back.

(coughs)

(thudding)

(grunts)

Oh! Are you okay?

Leave me alone.

So, come on, man. What's up?

Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot.

Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me.

He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, he's the best at everything.

What's he better than you at? Huh?

Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say.

Probably he's better than you at that.

Well...

He's not better than you at yard sales.

He's good at yard sales.

Yeah, but he's not better than you.

So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk into that studio, and you're gonna show him the Napoli that I saw today.

The one that I saw grabbed seven copies of Speed on VHS at a yard sale for a fraction of the retail price.

When's the last time Strahan did that?

Boom. You're not gonna let him win.

Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.

You're gonna do it?

That guy's a b-hole. He's a b-hole!

You know what? If you were a woman, or even dressed as a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable.

Mm, mm.

18 years old. She was 18 years old.

She doesn't even know what Netscape is.

Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor.

This is a disaster! Ouli's downstairs.

She just called me. She wants to be let up.

Sarah's in my room, because she fell in love with you for some unknown reason.

I might as well call you

Bridge to Terabithia,

because you make children cry.

And you... I might as well call you

Indian In the Cupboard because you put an Indian in Ce... Never mind.

I will not apologize for my powerful sperm.

Why are young girls in love with me? I look like an old man.

Shut up, both of you!

We're gonna fix this, 'cause I'm not losing Russell because you two have to make and/or date babies.

You... go stall Ouli.

Try not to get her pregnant.

You... come with me and get Sarah out of my room. Now!

I gonna go do Ouli.

Yeah, I'm gonna go do this.

Yeah. All right.

Ouli?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's-it's Schmidt.

How are you?

Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.

Great.

Yeah. Havasu.

'99. I was on the boat, remember?

No.

We were just... We were part... Yeah. I...

Winter Olympics. Uh-huh.

No.

2006.

Bobsled.

Sarah, I know that you think you're in love with me right now, but I promise you, you're going to find someone better.

SARAH:

No! No, I never will.

I can be a bit of an anchor.

I've been known to drag women down.

That is true.

(whispers): Save me.

What? This is so entertaining.

Okay, Jess, honestly, help me.

I don't know what to do. All right.

Okay, just tell her something about life or something.

Hey, Sarah?

Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me in a very long time, and I miss that feeling.

The feeling you have is good. It's just misplaced.

It's better than being numb your whole life.

You end up doing such weird things.

You know what? Just stay in there.

It's not that great out here.

Stay in there as long as you can.

He's kidding, Sarah.

You should definitely, definitely come out.

Oh, my God. The Melman funeral?

No. - We were both sitting next to...

to Un... Un-Uncle Jack?

Yeah, sure.

I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel...

Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca.

Sarah? Sarah, please come out.

Sarah, please.

I can't come out. I'm too embarrassed.

In front of us? We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet.

Trust me. - Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us.

Sometimes I talk louder to blind people.

I'm 30 years old, and I've peed in every pool I've been into.

Every single one.

Ew.

I originally grew these bangs

'cause I hate my forehead.

I still think it's funny when I guy puts tennis balls under his shirt and pretends it's boobs.

(muffled laugh)

They look like little boobs.

I know.

Come on, Sarah!

Look, I do so many stupid things.

You don't even know.

I mean, like, falling for your dad.

That was... so crazy, and I understand why you're confused.

I'm confused.

SARAH:

I'm not confused. I'm stuck.

What? Oh, my God.

Oh. I don't know how to get them off.

Okay. Oh, okay. I'll get the front.

I'll get the back.

Hey, hey, guys, she's coming.

Ouli's coming. I failed.

I failed. I'm sorry. Uh...

Hi, Ouli. Um...

Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter?

There is a God! I've got my period!

It's so amazing! Oh, my God.

Mmm. I got my period.

(Cece laughs)

She got her period.

So happy!

Welcome to our home. Would you like a drink?

You have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful ex-husband.

I mean...

Bye, Nick.

I'm kind of over you now.

Okay.

(Sarah sighs)

Thank you. - Thanks, Jess. I had a really great time.

Thanks, Sarah. Good-bye.

(whispering): Your mom doesn't have to know everything.

Heard that. Let's go.

Okay.

Thanks for coming by.

Oh, sure.

Bye, Sarah. See you at school.

Bye.

Bye, Ouli. You ruley.

Bye, Jess. You're a mess.

I'm not having kids... till I'm 80.

Now we can just go back to the way things were.

You can go on your date.

Right. Nicole, mm-hmm.

No more stupid mistakes, right?

Right.

(laughs)

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

Go do your thing.

Yeah.

Oh, wait. Oh, okay.

Okay, Cece, let's just...

Yeah.

You know, there's a marathon downtown, and I don't want you to hit the traffic. - Okay.

Okay. Thank you.

So let's just, head down.

That's very thought of you.

Don't hit the top.

Okay. All right, you in, you in, you in? Good, okay.

Terrible car for a baby anyway.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Oh.

I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty.

It's so much more.

She's okay. You're awesome!

The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you.

What a move!

Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it?

Hey, if you're play a gondolier, you better skate

like a gondolier.

You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea.

We should buy skaters.

Yeah!

(cheering)

Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you.