02x16 - Table 34

[bunniefuu]

(Whispers):
Oh, my God!

(Sighs)

(Snoring)

Oh, you kissed her! You idiot!

You...

(Groans)

(High-pitched gasp)

No, no, no.
(Muffled shrieking)

I wasn't doing anything.
I wasn't. No, no, no.

I wasn't doing anything,
I wasn't doing anything, I...

(Whispering):
Do not walk away from me.

Do not. You are not.

You're doing it. Nick?

- Shamone.
- He did.

(Sighs)

(Yawning)

(Both yawning loudly)

Oh.

Ugh, my God.

Oh, I just woke up.

I've been sleeping
for hours and hours.

Nice. Me, too.

Let's see here.

Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails.

Hey, Sam, um...

I have to tell
you something.

How do you always look
so beautiful in the morning?

Sometimes I can't
even look at you.

I can't even--
I got to look away.

I can't even look
at you right now.

Wait, but I got to.
Now I got to look away.

I just can't resist.
Oh, geez.

(Laughs)

What were you gonna say?

Nothing.

It was nothing.

Jess?

Nick kissed me.

Wha...?!

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

(Whistles)

(Groans):
Oh, man. Okay.

I had the best sex of
my life last night.

Winston, I'm glad you're here.
We need to talk.

Yeah. Daisy said I was
pretty good.

You hear that?
Pretty good!

This is important.

And I ain't even use my hands.

You didn't use your hands?

Well, just I did a lot
of side stuff.

Okay, Winston,
you're k*lling me.

I really need to talk to you,

and now after hearing that,
I can barely look at you.

Well, I got
my mojo back, baby!

I'm the Mojo Man!

Mojo Man, Mojo Man.
I like the sound of that.

Yeah, we're not gonna be
getting to my thing, are we?

(Whispers):
Mo-Mo-Mojo Man.

I got to tell Sam.

I can't tell Sam!

I didn't even do anything wrong!

Nick kissed me!

I didn't even kiss him back!

Okay, fine!
I kissed him back!

Is that what
you want me to say?

I literally
haven't said a word

for, like, over an hour.
(Groans)

And now he won't
even talk to me,

'cause I saw him this morning

and he just panic
moonwalked away from me.

- He what?
- He does that sometimes.

Man. Terrorism.

And then... ha!

Nick just... He just...

Kisses you.

Stupid Nick Miller. (Grunts)

How was it? Was it...?

I was like Scarlett O'Hara

in my freaking curtain dress...

How did he do it?

- He just, like, grabbed me.
- Uh-huh.

- And he just took me.
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, he was a man
and I was a woman.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It was firm, but tender.

- Oh, damn.
- Yeah, I mean,

I saw thorough space and time
for a minute,

but that's not the point.

Oh, man!

Are you okay?

I miss sex!

I've been on dates set up by
my mother for the past month.

- Mm.
- I mean, what are you gonna do?

(Groans)
I mean, do you...

like Nick?

Ah! Bah!

Mm-hmm.
(Laughs)

Nah! Neh?

(Giggles):
Nick?

(Laughs)

No.

(Chuckles)

I don't like Nick.

- Mm-hmm.
- I like Sam, 'cause

Sam's the kind of guy
who fixes things

that you didn't even know
were broken.

And Nick is the
type of guy

who breaks things... that are...

He breaks things!

Look at that.
It's for my grandma.

Wow, that's... oh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What are you-- Nick!

- No, let me just...
- Nick, Nick, what are you...?

- Okay, here, it's fine.
- No!

Nick, what are you...?

I think those
belong back on it.

He is not getting in the way
of me and Sam.

He is not ruining this.

- Mm.
- So mad at him.

I can't even be around him.

Can I just spend
the day with you?

Oh.

Well, um...

Okay, I didn't tell you this
before, actually, but, uh...

SCHMIDT:
Cece is going to

an Indian marriage
convention today

to find herself
a brown husband.

Now, little
does she know

that I have signed up
for the same convention.

Gentlemen, there is
nothing that says

white men need not apply.

You look like
the fortune teller in Big.

Wait a second,
is it in the loft?

Yes, Nick.

The West Coast's premiere
Indian singles event,

where eligible
Rajput Indians get together

to see if they should get
arranged-married to each other,

is in our loft.

So if it's not,
then I'm coming with.

I'm in, Schmidty.
You finally got company.

- I'm coming. Let's do it.
- The Mojo Man is in, too.

Mojo Man, Mojo Man.

Okay, neither of you are coming.

I've been studying up
for a full week.

I can actually speak
conversational Hindi.

If that conversation is:
"Hello." "Hello."

"Samosa?"
"Yes, please, Samosa."

"More towels?"
"Do you know where

the white person's
toilet is?"

After that,
it gets very confusing.

Can you drive in that dress?

You're right, I can't.

- All right, you're driving. Let's go.
- Yeah!

Hi, I'm-I'm checking in.

My name's Cecilia Parikh.

This is my best friend.

She's just, she's just
here to watch.

All must participate.

We've had a lot of
trouble with watchers.

You participate
or you go home.

All right, you know what?
What the hell.

You're going to have to
fill out a questionnaire.

Information,
education, resume.

(Chuckles)

Done.

Thank you.

(Gasps)

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

You look like a character
from The Love Guru.

Aw, thank you.

Hello.

I'd like to check in
with my two friends here.

Look, we are not Indian,
but you cannot turn us away,

because I read the Website
vigorously, kumari.

- Oh, God.
- That means "miss."

My friend right there?

Yeah, he's a vakeel.
That means "lawyer."

I dropped out
of ka-heel school.

SCHMIDT:
It's vakeel, man.

What are you doing here?

Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah...

Oh!

Nick, you're
embarrassing me.

WINSTON: Nick,
what are you doing?

WINSTON:
Nick, Nick.

N-N-N-Nick, what
are you doing?

Stop moonwalking, man.
(Groans)

Man, you have been
weird all morning.

Hey, look, I kissed Jess.

Say what you're gonna say.

(Groans):
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Whoo!

I thought that's
what you were gonna say.

I don't want a new roommate.

Look, don't...
She's not moving out.

I'm not talking about her.
Hell no, not her!

I'm talking about you.

When this thing blows
up in your face--

and it will blow up
in your face, Nick--

you're the one moving out.

You think I like
living with you?

You have centipedes
living under your bed!

- Those weren't centipedes.
- You've named your testicles,

- and they're both named Sharon.
- Yeah, so what?

I can't believe you kissed Jess!
Man, what were you thinking?

Look, man, I wasn't
thinking anything.

Nick, just apologize and
make it right, all right?

All right.
That's what I'm gonna do.

(Groans)

Oh, Sharon!

- Get! Just...
- Get...?

Get over here now.

Wait. What?

You told me you had moved on.

Only people who haven't moved
on say things like that.

I'm a squirrel.
You're my nut.

Winter's coming. I'm gonna
store you in my cheek, girl.

Please leave.

You and I not being together
does not make sense to me.

I miss your body

and the things I
used to do to it.

- Schmidt.
- I'm talking about sex.

Today is about me finding
someone within my own culture

that I can build my life with.

It's about more than sex.

Our sex was about
more than sex.

It was about
history and memory

and thousands of years
of colonial suffering

all being released in one
moment of pure ecstasy.

Then why did the sex
always end with you yelling,

"Blammo, that happened"?

Blammo.

Thank you.

Hey.

Oh, you can walk
normally now, I see.

I'm sorry I kissed you.

Well, oh, wow.

That was unexpected.

Thanks, Nick.

- You know what, it was a mistake.
- I feel better.

- 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward.
- Yeah, good.

(Chuckles):
Right.

You were acting
a little bit weird,

but honestly, for me,
it was, like, a nothing kiss.

You know, it was like
kissing a cousin.

It was so nonsexual
and nothing.

Well... I think it
meant something.

You know, to you,
'cause you kissed me.

Mm-mm.

I think you can admit it
meant something to you, Nick.

Oh, no, I-I'm telling you,
it meant nothing to me.

- I think it did.
- No, no.

I do things
I don't mean all the time.

Like this. You see this?
Bottle of water.

Why did I do that?
I don't know.

It doesn't mean anything.

I think you can admit that
it meant something to you.

- Hey, Jessica, it didn't.
- Hmm.

It was a drinking game,
and I was finishing the game.

Yeah, but it happened
after the game

when it meant something.

- Oh, so it meant something to you?
- What?

- It meant something to you.
- No, don't...

If you think some
stupid, terrible kiss...

- You're thinking about
it right now! - No!

- I'm calling Sam and...
- Oh, you're calling Sam right now?

He's gonna come here
and pick me up,

- and, uh, we're leaving.
- Oh, you are?

Why are you running away?
Because it meant something?

We're not going anywhere.

Meant nothing, Nick!

HOST (Over speaker): Please look
at the numbers on your name tags

and go to the table
with the corresponding numbers.

These are your groupings.

People with similar resumes
and education backgrounds

have been grouped together.

, , thir...

Table !

We're at the same table!

- So this is rock bottom.
- I mean, call me crazy,

but I think we're all
getting married tonight.

- Yeah, um... - The money table
right here, Table !

Hi, excuse me, I think
that there's been

just a little bit of a
mistake with the tables.

Over , no advanced degrees,

part-time employment:
Table .

No, see, actually, I'm-I'm
a professional model.

I'm not famous
or anything,

but I was in Lil
Wayne's last video.

I was the girl he was throwing
strawberries at in slow motion.

(Chuckles)

Definitely Table .

(Sighs)

Excuse me?

Uh, I didn't get
assigned a table.

Now, I know exactly
what this is about...

But I did assign you a seat.

This one. Lap number one.

Okay, so this is not
a racial thing?

Not yet, it isn't.

Ah.

I see what's
happening here.

You're feeling my mojo.

You look like a jumpy cat,
and I like that.

Ooh, I like that.

(Gasps)

Like oversized
blueberries.

(Clicks tongue)

(Sighs)

Mojo off. Mojo off.

Schmidt, Table Seven,
Table Seven.

- What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too?
- Hmm? I'm at Table Seven.

(Sighs)

What?

Well, you should feel complimented.
I feel slightly insulted.

- What?
- No offense.

A lot of offense taken.
Well, I'm just saying...

- A lot.
- Jess!

- Hi!
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Um, okay.

Yeah, I checked in.
Uh, they gave me my table.

- Okay.
- This is a weird date.

I always thought
we'd go bowling before we went

to an Indian marriage
convention.

- What table are you at?
- Uh, Table One, I think.

Table One?! It's almost like
you save lives or something.

Oh, wait, you do.

Let's start the icebreakers.

This exercise shows
how physically compatible

two people can be.

Ow! My hand!

What?

Stupid man.

Nice.

- Yeah.
- Ready?

Three, two, ow.

- Ow! No, no. Let's...
- Up?

- No, you go down.
- All right. I go down?

Kind of just got
to get in a little closer.

JESS:
Okay, I'm trying.

Seriously.

Hey, dummy.

Stop pointing your finger at me.
That's so annoying.

Why are you drinking my beer?

You point that finger at me
one more time, I'm...

Why don't you just admit that
that kiss meant something to you?

- No, no! - I could tell it meant
something, so admit it

or I'll do this all day.
I'll do it all day.

HOST:
Next challenge: Make a table

out of nothing
but newspaper and tape.

Women look to your left,
men to the right.

These are your partners.

Oh, you got to
be kidding me.

First table that can hold
a phone book wins.

All right, so we have
to make a table.

Okay.

- Give me the tape.
- No.

I'll tell you what's not
made out of newspaper,

that tight little
ass of yours.

Jess, you liked kissing me!
It's fine to say that.

No, I didn't.
I'm not on my knee asking you

to marry me; It was a nice kiss.

You were like a dog and my mouth

was like a bowl full of
dog... milk!

It was like a damn fairy tale,
that kiss!

It was the best kiss
of your life.

- Are you serious, Nick?
- And you have to take

a little responsibility,
tarting around in that

- little soft pink robe, not expecting
to get kissed. - Tarting around?

I'm a man, Jessica!

- What?
- Pink robes are my catnip.

And we have a winning couple!

BOTH:
We are not a couple!

- We're not a couple.
- And this is a very bad table.

- Terrible table.
- And stop clapping, everybody.

- This is awful.
- Look. It won't hold anything.

Be prepared to laugh!

No, I mean,
this is, like...

NICK:
I got it, I got it.

Here, put it down.
Just-- okay.

Very weak table.

Break!

It's a strong table.

Strong table, strong couple.

Come on. Jump up, yeah.
Jump up! Jump up! Jump up!

- Whoa! Come on.
- Wow.

- Wow, yeah. It's real, man.
- Come on.

That's an impressive table!

Congratulations on winning the
table-building competition, baby.

- Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so...
- I didn't think it meant anything.

- Yeah, no, just--
- Nick just drives me crazy.

- It's like-- you know?
- Yeah, I mean, I never...

- Well, yeah, that's just...
- That's what I was saying.

Is there something
I should know here?

No. 'Cause...
(Bell dings)

HOST:
Men, switch seats!

No. Sam, stop.

'Cause...
No, I want to talk to you.

- Sam, I...
- Do you like field hockey?

I... Yeah. Yeah.

- Hi!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass.

So, when did you decide
to become a model?

Oh. Didn't really
think about it at all.

Someone just said they'd pay me
for being pretty, so...

- I like your hat.
- Shh.

- It's my favorite color.
- Shh...

- I didn't say anything.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.

So how many children
do you want?

Well, I have to start soon, so
I guess I'll just jump right in.

So, do you think through
any of your decisions

or do you always just
do whatever you want?

Hey! M. Night Shyamalan.

I got a twist ending
for you: Shut up.

- What do you want, Table Seven?
- Schmidt, just talk to your girl.

- Hi!
- You better watch it, buddy.

'Cause I will, I will
Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here.

- I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.
- Schmidt!

Don't worry, Ben Affleck.
I'm not desperate.

I don't date below Table Six.
(Bell dings)

HOST:
Time's up. Switch places.

Sam...

That was not nice.
He crossed a line.

Schmidt, you said
you would leave me alone.

- You said you would leave...
- He crossed a line.

You said you would
leave me alone.

(Chuckles)

Funny seeing you here.

Hey.

You have to go.

Yeah, you have to go over there.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Go now. Hi.

Um, Sam, I do have
something to tell you.

You know why we're at Table ?

'Cause we're both bad at life,
but we have model good looks.

It's 'cause we don't
think things through.

You didn't think it through
when you kissed Jess.

She told me. It's like we just
make these impulsive decisions,

and all we end up doing
is hurting other people.

I can't believe this.

No. No, Sam...

Sam? Wait.

Sam, wait.

I'm really sorry.

I said I wanted
to commit to this.

I thought you understood
what that meant.

JESS:
I do. I did.

Hey, hey.
Sam, listen.

JESS: What?
- Sam, hear me out.

I kissed her, okay?

She didn't kiss me.

It didn't mean anything to her.

Thank you.

(Grunts)

Oh, my God!

(Groans) I'm sorry, Nick.
It's the training.

He's in such terrible shape!
You could've k*lled him.

(High-pitched): I'm gonna
kick your ass, man.

SAM: Jess, it may
not have meant something

to you, but it meant
something to me.

Is there another doctor
in the house?!

With this crowd, I'm sure.

I'm done. So...

Good-bye, Jess.

No. Sam.

Ice it, hours.

And keep it elevated.

- He even exits cool.
- Oh, God.

Anu? I got
something for you.

Now, this is Freddy.

As you can see,
he has the exact

same build as me,
all right?

And he is totally available.
Ain't that right, Freddy?

That is what I call
an arranged bang.

(Makes expl*si*n noise)

Freddy, are you scared of being
confined in small spaces?

Oh, you'll do just fine.

Now, just remember,
wherever you are,

the Mojo Man is there.

(Sighs)

Damn it, Schmidt.

I'm taking this.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up!

You know, when I
came here today,

I thought India was
a pretty cool country.

You guys are obviously smart.

You l-looked at the roof
of a bus and you said,

"That's not just a roof,
that's more seating."

Kal Penn, he's a genius.
Thank you for him.

But what I didn't know

is that you're a country
full of blind idiots.

- Oh, God.
- Because in your midst

walks a brown angel.

That woman. Right there.

I may be an idiot,

but I'm smart enough
to know what I lost.

You people could've had it all.

And you shoved her over there
at a table with Nick.

Get your crap together, India.

Schmidt...

out!

(Crowd murmuring)

Hello. I didn't
see you over here.

I would love to...

(Men murmuring)

Sorry I didn't
see you earlier.

SCHMIDT: Okay.
They're all-- okay.

You don't all have
to run over there at once.

I mean, she... she's not
that great, you guys.

I mean, she's
kind of old.

You should see her areolas--
one's like a helicopter pad,

the other one's
like a, you know, like...

like a tick bite.

It's freaky. Very disorienting.

♪ It feels
like a perfect night ♪

NICK: Is this making
you feel better at all?

♪ At midnight, to fall
in love with strangers ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Yeah, we're happy,
free, confused ♪

♪ And lonely at the same time ♪

I just wanted to listen
to Taylor Swift alone!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

How's that?

You know when you get dumped and
you're, like, racking your brain

for what was it
that I did wrong?

Well, this is a really
unique situation

in that I don't have to do that.

Well, what happened?
(Music stops)

I'm sorry. I know what--
I know that it's my fault.

I didn't mean
it like...

(Sighs)

Jess, can I say something

- that'll potentially not
help this situation? - No.

I've never been
a home-wrecker.

And I liked it.

I mean, Sam was
threatened by me.

(Chuckles)

I mean, I see that as a victory.

But in-in more important...

uh, ways, a huge, huge,
devastating loss.

For you.

Should I call Cece?

This feels like Cece territory.

This isn't Nick territory.

This is, uh...

Look, Jess...

I'm sorry, okay,

that I kissed you.

But I shouldn't have done it,

because it was obviously
a mistake,

and now you're crying and...

I won't do it again.

Well...
(Sniffles)

maybe it was a little bit broken
to begin with.

- What happened?
- He just...

He always wanted
to fist bump in the morning.

- And you didn't like that?
- I hated it. What are... what...

- I feel like you're forgiving me.
- No.

- I felt like before I said that
you were though. - Nope. Nope.

Now you remembered you're
still mad at me. No? Okay.

- All right, good night, Nick. Night.
- Okay, good night, Jess.

Hey, Jess.

Too soon?

Yeah, too soon!

Well, hey, good night.
And I'm sorry about everything.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.
(Chuckles)

- That was...
- Yeah. That was...

- a little bit weird.
- So weird.

Let's not ever do that again.

- Yeah.
- Do it again. Okay.

- Good night. Night, Miller!
- Good night.

Good night, Sergeant.

I'm glad everything's
back to normal around here.

Thank you for
what you said up there.

- You know, I got a lot
of phone numbers. - Good.

I think I'm gonna go
on a lot of dates.

- I think that's a great thing.
Good. - Yeah.

The plan hasn't changed;
I am still marrying an Indian guy.

- No, yeah, that's fine.
- Okay?

But you went home with a Jew in
a turban, so I'm just saying.

Just take this off.
Come on. Let's go.

(Sighs)

God, I have missed this.

(Moaning)

Turban on? Turban off?

I'm gonna hate myself
for saying this, but...

turban on.

- Turban on it is.
- Uh-uh

Taking that
magic carpet ride.

- Yeah? No?
- Shut up! Whoo!