03x01 - All In

[bunniefuu]

Previously on New Girl We're at a wedding together.

Guys, guys, shut and listen to me it's Cece.

She doesn't want to get married.

I'm sorry, everyone, but I can't do this.

What I want is to be with someone else.

Are you in love with her or are you in love with me? You have to decide.

We tried.

We had one night.

Okay, what happened with Jess? We called it.

Yeah, when things get messy you just run away.

I know you think we should call it.

But I don't want to give up on this.

You know what? I gotta say, Jess, I really like you.

I really, really like you.

I really like you.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's crazy, but it's happening.

It's crazy.

I like you so much.

Yeah, I like you so much.

Like - Yeah.

I'm just - What? - I'm in.

You know? I'm - I'm just all in.

I'm all in.

I'm, like, weirdly all in.

Hey, Nick - What? Pull over.

Well, that was fun.

We finally broke in the Volvo.

Oh, my.

What's next? What do we do now? I'm really fighting the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.

Do we just go home? You know, I mean, just how is it actually gonna work? We've only been dating for 30 minutes and we're already living together.

What if you get tired of me, and you have nowhere to go because we're roommates, and so you have to sleep in your car Hey.

Stop.

That's not gonna happen.

I've wanted this for so long.

I don't want anything to go wrong.

Oh, it's Schmidt.

He's freaking out about Cece.

He doesn't need to reach you all the time.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna ignore it for now.

It's all about us right now.

Hmm.

It's Schmidt.

He wants to know where you are.

He texted you to ask where I am? That's ugh.

He just texted I'm a bad friend.

You know what that is? Either male genitalia, or a really big thumbs down.

Why would he send me male genitalia? - Why can't he talk to Winston? Well, without me, they get so weird and they fight all the time.

This is what I'm talk How many times a day does Schmidt text you? I don't know, I'll just say 40.

How See, this is what I'm talking about.

I feel like we need time alone so we can figure out what this is.

Yes.

This is what I want.

I want to be with you alone, without anybody else.

Just you and Where have you been? I'm having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what? Just driving around, French-kissing each other like a couple Dutch hookers? What is that, Nick? Is that a hickey? - Disgusting! - Hey, you guys.

Um, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Now, I know everyone's going through a lot, but I think it is time for me to start a puzzle.

No, it isn't.

What is going on with you two? Are you, like, a couple now? Have you thought any of this through? Nick, please help me, okay? Stop being so selfish and just help me.

Okay, you know what? Give me one minute, - I'll be right inside.

We'll be right in.

Yeah, we just got to figure something out.

All right! Thanks, man.

The g*ng's back.

We'll be right in.

Yeah, good-bye, guys.

We love you guys.

Run! - Run! Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess Well, Winston, after 25 unanswered text messages to Nick and Jess this morning, I finally received a response.

A smiley face.

This leaves us with one choice - To become best friends.

Huh? Yeah, fine.

For r? Okay, great.

Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment's notice, including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.

Yeah, fine.

Winston, what can I do for you? Don't talk to me that much, never lie to me, and never, ever touch my puzzle.

Winston, do we do we think now is really the right time to be starting a puzzle? I'm great at puzzles.

You're a born puzzler, Winston, sure, um, but don't you agree that sometimes, when you start puzzles, you get a little bit weird? And, I don't know, intense? Spend a lot of time humming.

Also spend a lot of time naked.

I'm gonna do you, puzzle! Right on the table.

As nasty as you want to be.

Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's gonna look like? What do I think it's going to look like? - Yeah, the puzzle.

Winston, it's on the box.

The the picture's on the box.

It's a Japanese garden! Schmidt, calm down.

What is your problem? Two women are in love with me.

The problem is, is I'm in love with both of them.

Okay, looks like you're gonna have to choose.

Cece and I, we have this connection.

You know, it's physical it's unhealthy.

Look, I don't want to get too graphic with you, but I'm not just the plug with her.

I'm also a socket.

God okay, fine.

Schmidt, choose Cece.

Yeah, but - I was dating Elizabeth first, so - Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute Winston I was dating Elizabeth first.

You want to know what I think? - No, I don't.

Done.

Decided.

Ha! Cece, out.

I was dating Elizabeth first.

My man! Way to talk that out.

Yeah.

Best friends.

Best friends.

This is gonna work out, man.

Yeah, it's gonna work out, man.

Puzzling Winston is about to do some puzzling About to get into some puzzle troubling So, in conclusion, it's a you know, it's a very difficult decision that I've had to that, you know, that you guys have put me in, here, but I just I'm gonna be candid.

I've been up for 24 hours.

I have to return all of these gifts.

So just say it.

You don't want to be with me.

Wh huh? Look look at that.

I just looked down and I thought, "This girl must be wearing sneakers "with shoelaces, and th-those shoelaces must be tied together, because this girl is straight trippin', yo.

" - What? - Of course I want to be with you.

But I feel so terrible for Elizabeth.

How did she take it? Sh She took it.

In the marketplace of ideas, where culture is king, and data moves faster than people, where scalable opportunities come from turnkey solutions What are you trying to say, Schmidt? Is it over? No no.

As if.

Of course I picked you.

It wasn't even close.

Come here, you crazy white girl.

There it is.

Poor Cece.

Uh, yeah, okay.

Oh I fell asleep.

How long have you been driving? Those cops look like they're about 15 and they have huge g*ns.

Jess, are we in Mexico? All in! We're in Mexico! Oh, my God, pull over! That piñata's shaped like a monkey! You know what? It's gonna be weird going back to having sex without a bunch of feral dogs watching.

Why am I not hungry? I should be hungry.

Remember when we lived in that loft, and, like, we had all those problems? Yeah.

All in! Voice mail? Again? Where have you been? It's been four days, man.

Have you really been doing it with Jess this whole time? That's disgusting.

Nick, I did something really wrong, and, uh I just I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to my friend.

Come home.

Yeah, I should try him again.

Dial best friend one.

Let's stay here.

We're totally out of money.

We got this great setup.

No, this is not gonna last long.

It's not gonna last long.

It isn't.

This is a badly built shelter.

We'll go right there.

How hard could that place be to sneak into? You all in? Nick, this has been fun, but Okay, look, everything that's bad is waiting for us back in the loft.

But here? I'm Paradise Nick.

And Paradise Nick is mega-chill.

And you're Paradise Jess, right? We can make food and just - All in.

All in.

It don't work like that.

If you uh Hey, man, how'd she take it? Devastated.

I'm sure glad that's settled.

Hey, man, I'm gonna go shower.

I'm proud of you.

I know it must have been tough.

Hey, Schmidt, who do you call if puzzle pieces are broken? Oh.

Hey, Winston.

Is, uh, is Schmidt home? Cece.

Oh, my goodness.

Hi.

Do you need a hug? All right.

Is Schmidt even here, Winston? Yeah.

Yeah, he's in the shower.

Um Cece, I just want to say, on my end, that I am so, so sorry.

Sorry about what? You know, uh Elizabeth.

Well, what about Elizabeth? He made love to her.

Winston made love to Elizabeth.

After I chose you, Winston was all too quick, in Elizabeth's vulnerable state, to rush in there and just get his jollies off.

His sweaty, disgusting jollies.

Seriously? I mean, she must have just been so upset and hurt I didn't even know you were interested in her.

Tell her what you did, Winston, and give her the short version, which you did not give to Elizabeth.

Wha? What I did um Okay, well, I drove over there to seduce her.

And I seduced her two and a half times.

Puzzle me this, then, Winston How do you live with yourself? I have a bit of a hard time believing that Winston would do this.

Well, then, you obviously don't know Winston, 'cause he's a sick, disgusting human being.

Just this morning he asked me for a pair of your underpants.

Winston? - Hmm? Is that true? Yes.

I needed your underwear to sew into my underwear.

Oh my God.

That is disgusting! You are a pervert! Oh, I'm so sorry, Cece.

Just wait in the car.

You don't have to deal with this disgusting trash person, garbage child! You're upset.

As you should be.

Oh, but that was great, man.

How long as this been going on, man? Four days.

Four days, and you didn't tell me? Come on, Schmidt! I said, "Don't lie to me.

" I'm sorry.

All right? I love both of these women and I couldn't decide.

I needed to buy some more time.

Cece thinks I'm wearing her panties right now! Well, that's on you, man! You freaked out super hard! You-you kidding me? That's so weird.

Sewing people's panties into underpants.

Look, we're not best friends, Schmidt.

As a matter of fact, we're not friends at all until you fix this.

Okay, all right, look.

Winston, I'm sorry, man.

W-Winston, you've been working on this puzzle for quite some time now.

You realize a lot of those puzzle pieces are upside down, right? It's just they're cardboard color.

Is that an almond that you have inserted into one of the pieces? Are you just eating them, or are you using them as pieces? You know that's an almond, right? Schmidt, come here! Free cocktails.

No way! - Yeah, fitting right in.

Oh, my God.

What? Security guard.

Freeze.

Okay, don't freeze.

That looks weird.

Did he notice you? Of course he noticed you.

You're the prettiest girl on the damn beach.

Shut up.

We need one of these bracelets right away, Jess.

Bracelet.

Yeah.

Oh, hey! Hey Hey, pal.

That's a really cool bracelet.

Do you think I could try it on? - No.

Listen to me, okay? Will you lean in here for a second and listen to me? One day, you're gonna meet a girl, you're gonna really like her, and you're gonna want to give her everything, but you won't be able to afford it because your life's kind of in shambles and you don't have money.

Look at you, kid, you got a great-looking face.

I don't know, you might have a tough go of it.

What do I know? Just promise me this Promise me you're gonna try to enjoy your life as much as you can, 'cause one day you're gonna be dead, and, you know.

Can I have your bracelet, for real? No.

If you don't give me the bracelet, I'm gonna strangle you to death.

Thanks, buddy.

Not cool.

But it worked, okay? We got the bracelet, so now we're back in action.

Hola.

Hola.

Can I see your bracelets, por favor? Yes.

Looks pretty on her, right? Señor? - Run! - No! I don't speak Spanish, you snake! What are you gonna do? I'm in the ocean now! I'm in international waters! I've got a shell.

Let's just go.

Let's just get out of here.

Point Break style? - No, no, no! I will Point Break style this moment! Nick, let's go! Nick, stop! Aah! Ow! Ow, that hurt! Wait! Where are you taking him?! - Jail.

Aah! Truce, okay? Winston, please, come on Talk to me.

I I need a friend right now.

I love both of these women, and I can't lose them, and I can't hurt them.

And we made a pact! No.

You lied to me.

You're a liar.

Okay, well, then would you like some truth, Winston? Here's some truth for you, okay? You're terrible at puzzles.

Worst I've ever seen by a mile.

What, do you have fly vision? Look at this puzzle.

It's ages six and up.

You are up, Winston.

You are way up! - You want to say that to my face? This is a corner piece, Winston! How do you not see that? What are you, blind?! I'm so sorry actually, a blind man could feel the smooth edges of a corner piece! You are making me so mad.

Ooh, you are making me so mad.

Oh, yeah? You're making me How am I making you? Am I making you? - Yes, you're making me mad.

What you want to do? What are you doing? Which way are you going? What is happening? - Ow! - What did you do? Don't mess with me, man.

I'm legit.

I'm legit, dude.

I'm getting very dizzy.

You coming at me, son? I need all the cash you have and Nick's passport! - What'd you say? What? - Nick's in trouble? What are we doing? Nick is in jail? Nick went to jail before me? Hey, stop it! Stop it! This is not the time for fighting.

Nick is in a Mexican jail.

We don't know this country.

We don't know their laws.

We don't know how to get him out.

I just hope he found somebody who can protect him and take care of him.

What, you hope he's somebody's bitch? - No, like a mentor.

He'd never be picked as a bitch.

Nick is very attractive.

He can be a bitch.

A sissy, perhaps, but a bitch? - He can be a bitch.

He cannot be a bitch.

My God, what's a sissy? - Are you insane? - A chubby gringo? - Stop it! Nick is my bitch.

Hola, señores, señora.

Hi.

Um, we have some questions.

Jess, I got this.

I know how to handle these people.

Is this for me? That's for you to send your kids to college, or for you to send some fun up your nose.

Your choice, bro.

Don't worry.

We're looking for our friend Nick Miller if he's still alive, and his head if it's separate.

You know who you should talk to? Manny.

Manny.

Manny.

Talk to Julio.

Julio.

Julio.

Talk to Brad.

I don't really feel right about this.

Oh, Jess, you're so naive.

It's a game.

We're working our way up the ladder.

Brad is clearly the kingpin.

Thanks so much.

Okay, that didn't work.

Next idea.

Well There are no next ideas, Schmidt! We're out of money! I need to just find somebody.

Oh, just find somebody? - Yes.

Right, Jess, 'cause the streets down here - they run red with hospitality.

Hey! Hey! Hi.

Sorry.

I met you yesterday.

You arrested a man named Nick Miller.

You got money? Money.

No, we don't have any money.

But wait, wait, wait! What about his shoes? Any interest in his shoes? There's no way you're getting these damn shoes, okay? These are my favorite brown shoes.

And besides, this is all your fault, Schmidt.

Nick's body's being traded like cigarettes right now! Winston, those shoes are not brown they're green.

What the hell you talking about, man? - Those shoes are green.

You guys are idiots, all right? They're as brown as money.

What color is Kermit the Frog? - Brown.

It's a brown frog.

Winston, you're color-blind, dude.

What? I am not color I am not color-blind.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

We have no money.

We don't even have money for gas.

Oh, you got a car.

Want to trade? Hey.

Oh, my God, I thought he was taking you to jail.

No, it's resort jail, and it's not so bad.

They let me watch Ugly Betty.

Here, I brought you your passport.

Winston, enough! - Enough for me! Oh, Nicholas, thank goodness you're alive.

You brought them? I needed their help.

Winston does not get me at all.

What? And, plus, he's color-blind, which basically makes him crippled.

Please, tell me these shoes are brown, right? - Those shoes are green.

They're definitely green.

Okay, you both are crazy.

Winston! If you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are? Jess, I can't do this.

Do you really want to wake up to this every morning? It doesn't matter, as long as I wake up next to you.

I got an idea.

Let's move to Mexico.

What? - Yeah! - Hell no! - Nicolas, I need you.

If you leave, then I'm with Winston, and I can't handle that.

You and me, we work here.

If we go back to the loft, we're not gonna make it.

Yes, we are.

We are gonna make it.

You won't.

He's 100% right.

You will not.

I'm not ready to lose you.

I just got you, Jess.

And I'm not letting you go.

So I'm all in.

I'm shredding this passport.

I'm not leaving Mexico.

Oh, no, you are not, sir! - No, no, no, wait, wait! I will put myself in that shredder before you put your passport in there! Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, switch! - Put yourself in there.

Stop! Stop, Nick! I will shred my ear! I'll do it! - Your ear could go in! - I will shred myself! I will shred myself in the shredder.

Get serious! Stop.

Listen to me.

We're a family.

You can't choose who you love.

Sometimes they choose you.

And sometimes, it's just because you got a really great deal on Craigslist.

I got a really great deal on Craigslist.

I got all of you.

There is no "us" without Schmidt and Winston.

It's gonna be really, really hard.

But so what, Nick? So what? I believe in us.

I'm all in.

I really want to go home.

Come on, man, let's just go home.

You know what? I love you guys.

Okay.

Let's go home.

Great.

Oh, my God! No! Get it out! Get it out! Unplug it, Nick! The shredder shredded it, bro.

No, no, no, no, guys, we're fine.

I can work with this.

Okay, everybody.

Just be cool.

Act normal.

U.

S.

citizens? Passports, please.

What is this? Sir, my name is Winston Bishop.

I'm a color-blind American citizen, and I can't do puzzles.

Now let us go home.

It says "Unatered Stites of Amurica.

" You ready? Hey, I got you something, actually.

I mean, I stole it from a kid, but We can do this.

-Yeah, we can do this.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Here we go, huh? It's locked.

I think somebody accidentally locked this.

Where's your key? - I don't carry a key.

You don't carry a key? - No, I don't carry a Why would I carry a key? There's always somebody home! And I know how to jimmy the Mmm, my God I like you so much.

I like you, too.

And I'll start carrying a key.

Okay, I'll carry a key for you.

For the love of God, Winston, please just go unlock the door.

This is so weird.

Yeah Sayonara, masturbation, for the rest of my life.

Hey, Cece, it's Schmidt.

Hi.

You want me to come over tonight? I think I can make that work.

Uh, can you give me, like, five minutes? Great.

Um ooh, actually, could you hold on one second? Hi, Elizabeth, my darling.

How are you? Uh, tonight? You want to tonight.

Um, could you just give me one second so I can check my calendar? That'd be great.

I just checked it, and, uh it looks like there's a slight problem.

Um Puzzling I am puzzling Looks good to me.

This is my masterpiece