03x05 - The Box

[bunniefuu]

Damn, man.

You look tired.

Your eyes are puffy as hell.

I'm unwell, Winston.

I'm just torn up about this whole Cece and Elizabeth thing.

I feel so guilty, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

Do you think that I'm good person? I'm gonna Hey, guys, do you guys think that I'm a good person? You're a terrible person.

It's hilarious.

You cheated on my best friend, Schmidt.

F-Fair enough.

Okay.

Well, I'm better than Winston.

You're better at things than Winston, but he's a better person.

Winston freakin' stinks! - Okay, why am I being dragged into this? Because I'm mad, Winston.

And I'm tired.

And I'm a good I'm a good man.

Are you crying? I got a package for Nick Miller.

There's nobody here by that name.

I got this.

I saw that.

Run, Nick! Run! - Aah! What? Relax, I'm with your late father's estate.

Pop-pop? - This is for him.

What's in there? It's a hand, isn't it? Just tell me if it's a hand.

Oh, my God! - It is a hand.

It's a I knew it.

It's a hand.

What does that mean, though? Full of dollar bills, y'all! You are rich, man! Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8,000.

I've never seen someone burn through money so fast.

I should say something.

Some of these shoes aren't even his size.

Look, Jess, you don't want to talk to Nick about money, okay? It is a very touchy subject.

I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place.

Seems like rich guys always have pictures of themselves.

My man.

Do you, baby.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Nick owes me is my opportunity to get it back.

How are you expecting to get your money back if he blows it all on stupid stuff? Oh, don't worry, Jess.

I have a plan.

Hey, listen, you know you don't have to con him if he actually owes you money.

You can just ask him.

I just told you to ask him for the money.

Smile Do the crystals make it look too glamorous? It's really glamorous.

I don't even know.

I don't know what's cool anymore.

It could be a good time to start a bank account.

Yeah, or I could just flush it down the toilet.

It's not really the same thing, but A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.

That's all it is.

I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is.

Um, under my nose.

That saying actually does work.

What is that? - This is my box.

It's where I keep all my junk that I don't feel like dealing with.

That looks like a lot of bills.

It's mostly bills.

Like I said, it's junk.

You know, I'm just brainstorming here, but what if you paid some of those bills with the money you just got? Yeah.

I'm gonna "pay my bill.

" And what's next? I'm gonna go to the doctor and get a checkup.

Give them $500 to check my bones.

You're being funny.

So, yeah, I was dating both of them at the same time.

I'm a mess.

I can't sleep.

I urinate constantly.

I cried the other day listening to a techno song.

My tweets have been extremely literal.

Were the girls Jewish? One Indian, one regular.

Do you want to see a picture? I-I don't even know why you're here.

You come in and say, "Do you have a minute?" Okay, I'm-I'm sorry, Rabbi.

It's just that Okay, it's much more simple.

How can I be a better person? Oh.

Well, you seem awfully concerned with yourself.

You might want to start thinking about the needs of others.

I think about others all the time.

What-what I can get from them, how they can give me pleasure, do they have a silly little walk - that I can make fun of? - No, th-that's It's where you actually care about somebody else.

You put their needs ahead of your own.

This is one of the few times that I wish I was Catholic.

Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.

Huh? Oh, God.

Whoa.

Are you choking? You're choking.

Okay.

Uh What, are you biking and eating? All right, I got you, I got you.

Come on! Live! Live! Live, biker! - Ew.

Yeah! - Thank you.

You saved my life.

What? You saved my life.

You saved my life.

I did.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you Thank you Yes! Dude! This is exactly what I needed.

Oh, my God.

Let us rejoice in song.

Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu - Please call 911.

I'm hurt.

Oh, yeah, no, that's a great idea.

I'm gonna call 911.

I hope you don't have a dance recital later.

I'm just kidding.

Don't look at your legs.

That's, uh, $900 to the Parking Authority of Los Angeles.

Oh, is it okay to mail cash? I'm gonna do it anyway.

All right, it's on its way.

Sliders are beautiful.

I know, man.

I knew you would think that.

I love 'em, dude.

That's why I made 'em.

What is that? Brotherhood.

Brotherhood, man.

All right, man.

I respect you, man, no matter what.

That's what it's about, man.

Yeah, and, um in the spirit of brotherhood just 'cause we on that level right now I was just thinking - maybe, I don't know, um - Anything, man.

sh**t.

Oh, man.

Maybe you can just pay me back that money that you owe me.

Remember? 'Cause you owe me that money? - Uh, Nick? Nick? - Oh - Nick? Nick? Hey, Nick.

Oh, you stink! - Um, can we? - You son of - You son of a bitch, Winston! - Can we can we That's what this is about?! Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me! I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"! You mean "woodwork"? What is "woodwork"?! What's "woodword"?! Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money! - But you owe me that money! - Stay out of my damn box - is the point, man! - I'm not in your box! Jess gets it, right? Yeah, what's What the hell, dude? I'm gonna go to the bar to blow off some steam.

That's a great idea.

Go get loaded.

You deserve it.

Black out.

You are the only one that I trust around here.

Oh You went through Nick's box.

Look, it was so much worse than I thought.

Why does he have the deed - to an old Mercury Cougar in there? - Oh, yeah, he lost that.

For crying out loud, where is it? We've been looking for hours.

It's done.

What about your car, Nick? I said it's done.

I'll just get the money back.

Bill collectors are reasonable people, right? - That makes sense.

You better keep your mouth shut! I'll make you a deal.

I'll keep my mouth shut if you pay me the money Nick owes me.

Are you trying to blackmail me? You don't scare me, Jess.

How much does Nick owe you? $1,900.

But what is money anyway? You know, it's just paper that some king on the mountains said was worth something.

You know? Gold, I understand.

It's shiny and you can make jewelry out of it.

Silver? Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead.

Brass creates the bells that make sound throughout the land.

But we k*ll each other for paper.

I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.

You give me $50, I'll show you my private parts.

Nicholas, good yontef.

Are you well? - No, but good yontef.

You know, I'm all steamed up.

This money thing is tearing me apart, Schmidt.

All right, if it's bothering you that much, why don't you just give it away? Son of a bitch! Not, not to me, Nick, to charity, or tzedakah as my people call it.

That's what your people do? - Yeah.

You beautiful genius.

I like that.

That frees me of my worries.

Oh, look at that! Another mitzvah! I'm two for two today.

Yeah! Mitzvah! - I saved a man.

You know, there was a lowly bike messenger.

Was just riding along, choking on his gum.

And I performed Heimlich's maneuver on him, rescued him.

Great.

Yeah, who's the good man now? You're almost forced to admit it.

Almost You're almost forced to admit it.

Yeah, I know.

I'm a hero, Nick, now Just tell me that I'm a good man.

I really need to hear it.

I don't even know if I'm a good person.

I'm not the guy to ask.

I have my moods.

But we're not talking about you.

We're talking about me right now and how I'm a good person, so it'd be really nice if you could say that.

I'm ready to do a tzatziki.

Tzedakah.

This is not about tzedakah right now.

This is about me being a good man and you telling me that.

Absolutely.

So, well, say it.

You got it.

S-Say that I'm a good man.

I'm giving away my money.

I've been trying to listen - to you this whole time! - Damn it, Nick, you are so drunk right now - and at the bar you work at, no less.

Yeah.

What happens with the rest of your day? Do you even think about that? You don't understand drinking at all.

Don't go.

Heathcliff.

Hi, I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.

Excuse me? - Well, I sent in a payment earlier for some tickets and I decided I don't want to pay them.

Well, just cancel the checks.

Can't do that 'cause I paid cash 'cause my boyfriend doesn't believe in banks.

It's early in the relationship.

Still shaving above the knee if you know what I mean.

Mm-hmm.

Let me get this straight You want me to watch the mail and let you know if I see anything from your boyfriend.

Exactly.

Fantastic.

Should I call you or? - Text, text would be great.

Perfect.

Let me put your number into my phone.

I didn't give you my number yet.

Oh, I think you did.

It's your lucky day, old friend.

I had an interesting talk with Schmidt, and I've decided to give away my fortune.

So, what do I owe you? - How much money d? Uh - Hey, guys, what's going on? Hey, Jess, um It's tzatziki is what it's called.

It's a Jewish charity.

Nick was just about to pay me the money that he owes me.

Wait! Come on, what are you doing? I'm, uh, I'm lubing up, Sally From ankles to ears? The door's locked You want me to bust in? Son of a It opened! Where are you? Um, I just was hot, I wanted some shade.

Oh, done that.

He take my money? Winston! It was me, it was me, it was me.

I'm so sorry, I went through your box I just couldn't help it and I paid some of your bills, and I'm so sorry I Hey, Nick You gonna leave me here? Nick That's fair.

There he is, alive and well.

Yeah.

Mazel.

I br-brought you these.

How's my brave little soldier doing, huh? Not great.

They said that I'm never gonna be able to ride a bike again, - so there goes my job.

Sure, sure.

Do you think that I'm a good person? I I don't really know you.

Well, what more do you need to know? If not for me, you probably would have d*ed today.

Well, somebody probably would have come along.

Just say that I'm a good person.

Well, I mean - Why is that so hard for you to say? - Ow! - I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

You're, you're a good person.

I am? You really think so? Very good.

Thank you for saying that.

Yeah.

That really means It means a lot.

I finally feel like I can breathe again.

Good.

What happ What happened to him? Well, he got smoked by a bus while he was having a bake sale for cancer kids.

For, for canc for cancer kids? - Yeah.

But he-he's, he's a great person.

Bad things happen to good people all the time.

Of course they do.

What am I even chasing here? What is the point of being a good person? Some say moral integrity is the cornerstone to humanity.

What do you know, you idiot? You choked on a piece of gum today.

Hey, man, don't sh**t the bike messenger.

That is a terrible joke! And none of this makes any sense! Hey, Nick.

Look, I know you're really angry and you have a right to be.

I have the right to be? I mean, why do you feel like you need to fix me? It's like you think you know better.

Well, I m I might know better than you.

Did you start a corporation? - Was it Fat Face? - I think so.

Yeah.

Well, you're getting taxed like crazy.

Well, that's because I thought I was filing a patent.

Fat Face is an invention? Kind of in its intention It was suppo it - Are you a lifeguard? - No, that is a false certificate.

Just a classic beach prank.

That seems dangerous.

It's funny, 'cause I I can't swim.

Everyone was watching me, and I'm like, "I don't know" I was 13! I was 26.

This is the problem with the box.

It's my private stuff.

You've never once done jury duty or paid your taxes.

Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere.

I stand by that.

And I don't want to do jury duty or pay taxes.

Nick, you're in so much debt, it's crazy.

You have to deal with this stuff.

No, I don't, Jess, it's in my box.

That's not true, though.

It's not a perfect system, Jess, but it's mine, okay? And it's private.

Well, I'm sorry I went through your damn box, but I was just trying to help you, Nick.

So maybe I'll try to help you.

What if I went into your box? Not that.

Stop it! - I like that box, but I'm mad at you! I'm back to "You disrespected me.

" - I was just trying to help.

Well, then, how about this Two can help.

Okay? And if two are going to help, then I'll be one of them 'cause two can tango on this dance, okay? So, you want to waltz? Well, you picked the wrong dance partner.

Two can play.

What? It's not a Who needs changing, huh, who needs fixing? I'm gonna go through your personal drawers and see what needs changing.

What are you, a zoo elephant? Those are my night peanuts.

There shouldn't be day peanuts and night peanuts! They're just peanuts! I'm sorry, why is that weird? You just have a bunch of boxes? I would change that.

Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.

They're bobby pins.

What's a bobby pin? - It keeps your hair back.

You need Bobby's pins to put your hair up? It's bobby pins, not Bobby's pins.

What is this?! - Yarn.

What are you knitting, a mansion?! Oh, look at this.

What do we have here? A bunch of b*at-up old sacks.

My vintage purses.

Well, you know what? - They could be sexier.

You want my purses to be sexier? Would it k*ll you to get something sleek, covered in gems for once? You want my purses to be covered in gemstones? All guys do! That's what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems.

But you girls don't listen! - What?! - Changing! - No! Nick, no! - This all is changing.

No, no, stop! That's disrespectful! - Gone! - Nick, stop it! No! This is the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life! - I got that for a nickel.

It's disgusting.

You're just trying to get a rise out of me.

Oh, my God! I've gotten a lot of compliments on that one.

Gone! - Nick! What? Stop it! Look, I like you the way you are.

I'm just asking you to grow a little.

Are we ever gonna get to a point where you stop working on me? Instead of changing me, maybe once, Jess, see it my way.

Well, your way's crazy and illegal.

This is me, take it or leave it.

I'm not changing for anyone.

Hey, where are you going? If you have something to say, just say it.

Don't write me a note or That's the money I spent.

Do what you want with it.

Thank you.

Couple of best friend horses.

That's neat.

What else can you get on? It doesn't make any sense.

Can you not see I'm in the middle of a bar mitzvah class here? Yeah, well, they should hear this.

A man helping cancer kids got creamed by a bus today.

Everything happens for a reason.

But what if it doesn't happen for a reason? Maybe Maybe there aren't any good guys and bad guys.

Maybe there are just winners and losers.

I was b*ating myself up, but maybe I should Maybe I should have been celebrating.

Have you ever dated two women at once? - What are you talking about? I went to camp They used to call me the Octopus.

Clearly, you have not, sir.

That's enough.

You get out of here right now! - Out.

Don't you "out" me.

Get out, get - Getting a little handsy there, Rabbi.

Get out! - You know what I realize? Nothing matters, and that's great.

You know why? Because if nothing matters, we can do whatever we want, Rabbi.

Avram! Julio! Get away from me, man.

Kick his ass! All right, okay.

YOLO! YOLO! Nick's right.

I have too many purses.

You're addicted to purses.

I'm addicted to development fluid.

I get it.

This one's for meat, and this one's for shells.

You know what? - Keep them.

They're yours.

Okay, thanks.

Also, heads up The ass of your pants is missing.

It's for the kitty cats.

My phone's ringing.

Sure.

Hello? I'm like a pretty lady.

What's happening? I'm sorry to bother you, Miss Day, but this man was trying to open an account with a check in your name and a paper bag full of money.

Would you please stop hovering? I'm being cooperative.

It's fine.

He's okay.

Thank you, though.

Opening a bank account, huh? Yeah, I, uh - I realized something.

What? I'd do anything for you, Jess.

Hey.

Thank you.

All right, Mr.

Miller, your checking account is good to go.

Oh, there's just an eight dollar processing fee.

Eight dollars? That's a very specific amount.

That's fine It's your world, your rules, so Excellent.

You go to the castle, you got to pay the king.

What is processing? What does that mean? It's just a word you use to make more money off of us.

That makes me mad! - Me, too, yeah.

Hey, how about this? What's a bank? - Yeah.

It's just a paper bag - That's right.

Yes! - with walls.

You're making some really, really, really good points, ma'am.

You are the puppeteers that puppet the world.

No more banks! Or some banks I don't care! But I want my money on a boat! I understood at least 30% of the financial crisis, and guess what I got from that? - You suck! - Yeah.

You suck so hard.

And now, I'm gonna process this man's face, 'cause I think he's great.

And I'm crazy about him.

Fine, I'll waive the fee.

Yeah! We won eight dollars! Just wait till you have children.

You'll never touch each other again.

Banks suck! Banks suck! What the hell happened to you? Got b*at up by some rabbis.

Well, Winston, we're all alone.

Nothing matters.

But you know what? Look Schmidt, stop, all right? You're a good man.

You did a bad thing doesn't make you bad.

We just have to try to be better, you know? Been waiting all day for somebody to tell me that.

I I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

I want you to have something.

Winston, literally, a gift is the last thing I des - This is - There you go.

This is a candelabra.

Yeah.

I bought it with the money that Nick owed me.

This is what you spent it on? - And now it's yours.

Uh-huh.

May it illuminate your path and lead you out of the darkness.

That's what it says on the bottom.

May it illuminate your path, lead you out of darkness.

Uh, uh, thank you for this really.

Look at it every single day and tell yourself "I'm a good person," 'cause you are.

You know what I might do, though? And it might seem like the opposite, but what I'm actually thinking is, maybe I'll just put it away somewhere, like in I don't know in the back of my closet so to keep it away from thieves.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Can you be honest with me real quick? - Mm-hmm.

How many times did you rub this thing and think a genie was gonna come out? I ain't gonna lie to you man.

I rubbed it, like, three times.

Yeah.

I thought so.

You know, I'm not If a genie did come out, what would you wish for? - More candelabras.

Yeah, I bet.