03x17 - Sister II

[bunniefuu]

Man, this is gonna be fun! - Ah, come on! Get it close to the light.

Okay, just because you invented Sky Kn*fe doesn't mean you can tell me how to throw.

Hurry up, man.

You can do this.

One, two, three.

All: Sky Kn*fe! (cheering) Yeah! What's up? Oh, hey.

What's up? Nothing, just a Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'.

(indistinct chatter) Jess: You guys, it's a really long story, but I think I saw an eagle.

I was shopping for books on Western Oh, my God! (all exclaim) - Oh! - Oh! Oh, God, what the hell? You were in the drop zone.

Good save, Nick.

You were a hero! Good save.

We were playing Sky Kn*fe.

You mad? No.

No.

I I think it's been a great game this week.

I'm amazed at how great it is.

Uh! Awesome! I thought you were gonna be mad.

All right.

I'm gonna go get the bad-ass knives from Schmidt's house.

Cool.

Get 'em, girl.

Um, guys, we have a problem.

I know, but Abby's gonna fix it.

She's going to get the cooler knives.

The problem is Abby.

She's been here one week and has already created chaos everywhere.

I don't know if anybody noticed, but she destroyed my sunflower painting - with a picture of a penis.

The iguana's cool.

I like the iguana.

Who doesn't love an iguana? - I like its tail.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, you guys, it's Terry.

The bastard found me.

He wants his stuff.

Who's Terry?! What's his stuff?! Cocaine dr*gs?! Worse.

You guys got to hide.

Oh, my God, I knew this was gonna happen.

Everybody in your earthquake spots now! - Jess! (laughter) She's messing with you.

(laughter) Yeah, I know.

We are messing with you.

No.

I don't think you were involved.

Don't taunt you, dude.

You guys were all afraid of Terry.

Us Day sisters up to our old pranks.

You're not part of it.

(in high-pitched voice): Yes, I am! - You got messed with.

You got messed with, not me.

You're doing that voice when you get messed with.

No, I'm not.

You guys, this is so fun.

I want to live here.

(fake laughing): Ah, ha, ha! That was funny, 'cause we're messing with you again.

No.

I'm serious.

That one was real.

I think I should live here.

I hate this game.

(all exclaiming) Hey, girl What you doing? Hey, girl Where you going? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.

You looking up how to eat a bagel? - (laughs) No.

I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam.

Results go up in 30 seconds.

If you pass, you get to be a cop? No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? Hope I get a dog partner.

Yeah.

Oh, you are pretty calm for someone who's about to get life-changing news.

You must be really cool under pressure.

No! I'm a huge choker.

Huge! (laughs) Girl, I ain't had a job in over three months.

So, this is that moment, I guess, when you find out if you're really a failure or not.

Check it.

Excitement's k*lling me! Man, would you look at the time? Man.

Girl, I got an obligation at a sandwich meeting to to go to.

Yes Nick (in dramatic voice): Well, you see, loyalty has a price, Mr.

President.

Give me the hot dogs! Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I won't Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do? She can't move in to Take that off.

I hope those are clean.

Enough.

I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister.

It's not a weird thing with my sister.

She is crazy.

No.

She's wanted in Canada.

Canada.

No one's wanted in Canada.

Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans? Don't you find out about that cop test today? Oh, you know Oh, yeah.

No.

Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though it's getting a lot of momentum, you know? So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 'cause when you you know, when you do that, so Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that.

Winston: Yeah, she got to me.

If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her? Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite.

So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live and make her think it's her idea.

She can't find out what I'm up to.

Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day? Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars.

And the one thing I learned is, you can't lie to a liar.

It don't fly.

Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.

No, I shouldn't.

Wait a second.

Are you doing reverse psychology? Yeah, it is reverse psychology.

That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology.

Hmm, which one is it? You outfoxed me.

I'm in.

I'm gonna do it.

So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, so, uh Oh.

You brought it with that less set, ma.

I got to tell you.

I mean, what can't that butt do? - You shaped it, so you get dibs.

Mmm.

Dibs.

(laughter) Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great.

I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.

Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're always getting on me about my pizza baby? - Yeah.

Well, today is the day that I get rid of it.

I am here to train.

Save it, dude.

You're avoiding your test results.

Nick texted me.

Guess you can't outrun a text.

Nope.

Well, with the right amount of training All right, listen to me.

Um, I need you to leave.

I'm with a client.

A beautiful one.

I'm trying to, you know - Mm.

(whistles) You're trying to whistle.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to have sex with her.

Oh! Sex.

But I did book you for the entire afternoon, though.

(groans) - Why would you do that? - But if you guys are doing a little thing, then I could easily just - Leave and check your test scores? - do a tandem session.

Oh, fun.

Right? Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier.

It was opening me up really nicely.

Yes, please.

(laughs) I don't wanna.

(grunts) Oh.

(sighs) (Winston grunts) This is amazing.

Oh! I'm taking a little trip here, Coach.

You know where I'm going.

Why do I keep looking down? I don't know.

This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles.

Um come on, Nick.

Jess is making you babysit me, right? Babysit you? (laughing): What? Like you're a little baby? No.

That's how you want to play this? - Well, I'm not "playing" it.

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing? - I just want to touch it.

Don't touch it.

I just need to touch it.

But it's not for touching.

(inhales) - Hey, hey! What? Can I not jump on it? - Abby.

That's not allowed? - Abby! - Maybe I shouldn't climb all over the car.

You need to get off of that car.

Why don't you tell me what it is Jess is up to? Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, you're scratching the hood! Tell me what I want to know.

Get off there right now.

There's nothing to tell! - Tell me what I want to know.

There's nothing to tell! - Tell me what she's doing! - Get her off! - If I tell you, will you get off the car? - Yes.

You promise? - Yes.

She's looking for a safe apartment for you 'cause she doesn't want you to live with us! Now, would you please get off the car? Do you guys serve drinks here? (sighs) Why don't they give us Tasers? Wow.

I mean, this place is beautiful.

It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away.

Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood.

Is there a lot of nightlife? Well, this part of town is pretty quiet.

Unless you count church bells.

Which you should.

We have nine within hearing distance.

What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? Actually, make that 16 and 72.

Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself.

Oh.

Whoa.

Jackpot.

And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room right across the street.

You had me at "gay veterans.

" And then again at "emergency room.

" And before that at "church.

" I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this.

Maybe I would've settled down.

Met a, you know, nice guy.

Nothing flashy.

Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna.

Okay, not now, Cece.

No, don't stop her.

Who is this guy? (laughs) Right? (sighs) Bet you are a mean dancer.

Come on.

Live a little.

You were right to call me.

Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do.

Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker.

You know what I mean, Nick? - Okay.

Yeah.

Some-some men, they can just walk away.

Not me.

I just keep coming back.

Okay, are you gonna help me - get her off the car? - Mmm.

You know what this is, Nick? - What? - This is nonsense.

Exactly.

And how do we deal with nonsense? No, no.

We just don't stand for it is what we do.

Security is on the way.

Come on, you old bird.

Get up here.

I can't afford it.

I'm already the staff troublemaker.

Can you make it happen? - I'm thinking.

Where are you at right Like, is it kind of game Yeah.

Just shh.

I got it.

You do? Yeah.

No nonsense.

Hey, Abby, look at me.

Let's go get a taco.

Okay.

You got to be kidding.

There you go.

Thank you.

There you go.

Perfect.

Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment, right? Hmm, I don't know.

Maybe.

We'll see.

It'd be cool if you 'Cause Why don't you straighten things up with the museum? Thank you.

I appreciate that.

It's only ten dollars! That's not gonna It's ten dollars! You snakes.

Coach: Follow through.

Yeah, all right.

Or else that creepy guy at the bar isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh.

Hands off my thigh, dude! (grunts, groans) Hands off my thigh, dude.

(groans) What are you doing, dude? Stop stalling.

Check your score.

I'm not stalling.

(groans) I'm gonna have Anders work my core and maybe just go get some juice with him.

No, um.

No, I-I want juice.

I'm - Hey, I bought your time.

I do whatever I want with it.

(groans) Go check your score! Hey, what are you doing? - No.

Wait, what are you doing, dude?! - I'm checking it myself! No! Come on, man! I said no, dude.

No.

W What? You failed.

(chuckles) I didn't even You know, it's not even a Yeah, it's not a big deal, so You know, so You should probably put a passcode on your phone, dude.

Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt.

Have you seen Abby? Huh? (sultry piano music playing) What are you what are you doing? I'm melting chocolate.

Abby and I are having sex.

(whispers): What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick.

You know, for the life of me, I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, but if she came from the same gene pool as this one (chuckles) kudos, my friend.

Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced.

Even if it'sa DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins.

You calling Jess the DeVito? - What? - Abby, I was supposed to be watching you.

Go ahead.

Don't don't play tricks with my words.

Jess is gonna k*ll me.

She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way - where she doesn't add the "K.

" - What? When she's mad, she just says "Nic.

" Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name? - Yes.

How do you usually say your name? - Nick.

Say it without the "K.

" - Nic.

It's the same thing.

Stop distracting me! Nick, you're so worried about disappointing Jess.

Relax, man.

(ding) Okay, you got to get out of here.

(grunts) (moans) (grunts) (giggles) Oh I choked.

I choked, man.

I'm 31.

I have nothing figured out.

Can I not find a job? - I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.

Dude, they're hiring here.

You know I can't work here, man.

They never have any cookies.

It's all the better, man! There's no pressure.

You get this job and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again.

Okay.

See? - Yeah.

But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job.

Stop! - I need this job real bad Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please? In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job than I do the cop thing.

God, I'd love to work here! Jess: I got the apartment! The place is great.

The only thing I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing with ethnic white people.

But I think she could really thrive there! Where is she? - Where's who? - Abby.

Ab? Oh, she's sleeping.

By herself.

Which is called "napping.

" Okay, I'm gonna start secretly packing up some of her stuff.

Do you think you can keep distracting her? - Yes, yeah, you know, just - Good.

how do we distract her? How do you distract a woman like that? Probably a guy.

(laughs): Right? Who can we set her up with? Well, well, well, who do we have? Coach.

(laughs) No.

Winston That's actually kind of a good idea No! - Schmidt! - That's a terrible idea.

But in the same sense Abby will wreck Schmidt! - Well, then luckily, the - So, here's the plan.

We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk.

And then we're gonna casually and naturally bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea.

And I can do that, okay? - Okay, good.

I'm glad.

I'll act cool, natural.

Casual.

Au naturel.

Au casual.

You know what? Maybe I should write you some lines, pal.

Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause Maybe not a lot of words.

Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities? (chuckles) See (whispering): Just say "perfectionist.

" - Perfectionist.

Yeah.

And the other two um (laughs) (sputtering) I'm overheating, right? I'm overheating, okay? So here's what we're gonna do now I'm just gonna sh**t from the hip, little rapid fire, give you some fun facts you might not know about me.

I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, and I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, don't think women should be allowed to handle money.

Just, that's for real.

Let's just move on to the salary.

And you didn't even fill out the back of the application.

There's a back? There is a back to the application? - Coach.

What? The LAPD exam maybe it had a back.

You didn't check to see if it had a back? We got to go to the precinct.

I didn't choke.

I'm just careless.

And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch.

I'm so sorry, dude.

I'm so sorry, dude.

Yeah, that was bad.

Man, I didn't even mean that.

All right, get out of here.

Get out of here.

Dawg, I didn't mean that at all, man.

To our newest resident.

The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings.

It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine, that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods.

Wow, I had no idea.

Please continue to tell me more.

You want more? - Who wants to rediscover couscous? Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt? I invited him.

I live here, too, right? - Yeah, but It's okay, Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to.

Thank you.

Now, somebody call the pound 'cause my stomach is growling.

I said my stomach is growling.

Sp okay, uh, speaking of dinner, there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood.

It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people who will be the leaders of tomorrow.

More wine? - Great.

If I were moving to L.

A.

now, I'd say yes-ho to NoHo.

Nick: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Oh, my.

Stop touching him, Abby.

I'm sorry, what'd you say? - Touch him more? - Do not touch him.

What are you? Do not do this right now.

(whispering): How about that? As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood with great tile work.

(pouring wine) I said, "Great tile work.

" Oh, for the first 12 months.

(Jess laughs) I think what you really mean to say is there's an introductory offer - for cable television.

That's it, yeah Cable's a scam, I tell ya.

Sa Satellite.

What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt? Satellite's where it's at.

(whispering): Nonsense has the hands of an angel.

Okay, what's going on here? (chuckles) I told Abby about the apartment, and now she's giving Schmidt a sp a special.

Don't look at me.

Just look away.

Look away, look or look right at me.

So this was going on the whole time? - Yes.

And the hands are just the half of it.

I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching and hanging and teasing such teasing.

I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing.

Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me.

This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it.

First I had to lie to Abby, and so I spilled the beans - about the apartment.

I'm sorry.

And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning.

And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating That's lying! If you guys were just honest with each other for one second, none of this would have happened.

Okay.

All right.

Abby I'm really sorry I tried to trick you, but I just want what's best for you.

One of us has to! - You know, that is your problem.

You think you're better than people and you always try to fix them.

No, I don't! - Yes, you do.

You've done it your whole life.

It's annoying.

You know what? Yes.

Yes.

I would like to fix you.

No I would love to fix you! But I'm done trying.

Because you're not changing.

And you don't think or care about other people at all, and I do.

And that's why I don't want you living in this loft.

(scoffs) That's honest.

You're a garbage person and you should live in a Dumpster with rotten snails.

Hey! Nick! - Too far! - Yeah, way over the line, buddy.

Yeah, but I thought we were just piling in That's my sister, dude.

I didn't mean that, yeah.

Sorry.

Well, lucky for you, I'm moving out.

Oh, thank God, Abby.

Oh, my God.

You're really gonna like this place.

It's so nice - I'm moving in with Schmidt.

What what's that, now? You're moving in with who? - Seriously? - We would have sex all the time.

(chuckles) Dinner was lovely, you guys.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

What? - Schmidt: Ooh.

Hey, uh, Jess? Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys.

Ew.

No.

You don't understand.

She's not gonna be you.

I'm gonna be you.

Ugh! Get out, Schmidt! Get out of here! Okay Oh, God! Winston: What's up, my man? I took the test last week or should I say, I took the front part of the test last week and, sir, I am here to finish what I started.

What? What he's trying to say is, he took the entrance exam, but he forgot to do the back half.

Well, the test is administered on a computer.

There is no back.

You took the test on a computer? I choked.

I am a failure.

I am a loser.

I am never gonna amount to anything.

I'm never gonna sh**t somebody.

Dude.

Have some dignity, all right? Thank you for your time, sir.

Coach: Winston.

Winston! Yo! Winston! Dude, you failed, man.

You failed hard! At everything! - Dude, this pep talk sucks.

I'm not finished.

Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks.

Look at me.

You can do this, Winston.

Because now there's nothing to be afraid of.

You hit rock bottom, man.

This is the worst it's gonna get.

Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop.

And no one's gonna stand in my way not you, not him Hey, I was helping.

and definitely not myself.

I would like to retake this test.

Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.

Man, what about my last score makes you think I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours? Coach: He'll be there.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah.

Thank you for messing everything up and being such a terrible liar.

Uh, you are very welcome.

I think I really needed to say that stuff to my sister.

She's gonna wreck Schmidt.

Oof He has no idea.

I'm sorry my family's so crazy.

Crazy? Your family's not crazy.

My family's crazy.

My father used to trade horse semen.

I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty.

(laughing) Well, thank goodness we're the sane ones.

(chuckles) So - Okay, now, remember: Up, and - Uh-huh.

(screams) (elevator bell dings) Hello, Abby.

Hey.

S'up? Have you thought about what you're gonna do if they pair you with a dirty cop? Well, then, I would just go to Internal Affairs.

Well, that's a good way to get k*lled.

Then at least I would die a hero.

Hmm, no, you won't.

They'll put you in panties and then they'll plant you next to a dead prost*tute.

That's a poor lady.

It'd be a dude.

But it's awesome! Good luck on the exam! They got dude prostitutes? Nuh-uh.