01x07 - What's My Thing?

[bunniefuu]

TV: I'm Shannon Doherty.

Every celebrity has their own thing, except for me.

What do you mean?

Jessica Simpson has her own clothing line.

Justin Timberlake's restarting Myspace.

Oprah Winfrey has her own network.

Even Shannon Doherty has her own college.

Yeah, for losers.

You know what else celebrities are good at?

What?

Blowing their money on dumb ideas.

You know 50 Cent makes more money from his vitamin water than he does from his rap music.

I'm sorry honey. I'm Katy Perry and after.

Even you have your own thing.

What's that?

The male revue.

I want my own thing.

Maybe your thing is worrying about what other people's things are.

I'm serious.

We could even make money at it.

You're about to star in a new sitcom.

Shouldn't you just concentrate on that?

Look, if other celebrities can do both, I can too.

Okay, what would your own thing be?

What are you good at?

Okay, what am I good at?

I'm good at surrounding myself with people who pretend to like me.

Is there a business in that?

Yeah, show business.

Okay, what else.

I know.

I like flying in private jets.

I drive an electric car.

Not because I care about the environment, but because I like to be in carpool lanes by myself.

Any business in that?

The rich assh*le business.

You're already in that one, too.

Honey, I don't think anyone's going to pay you to do that.

I like cutting in front of people in restaurants who have been waiting a long time, because I'm famous and they're not.

Maybe your thing should be helping me with this thing.

I like it, but it's just not my thing.

You should've thought about that before putting your thing in my thing.

This thing has a mind of its own.

(Giggles)

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

We love the show.

We're all big fans.

Awesome.

We see you on our network for a very long time.

That's terrific, thank you.

We'd like to go ahead and sh**t the pilot.

And if all goes well, we'll go to series in the fall.

That's amazing!

There's just a couple thoughts we had on how we can broaden the potential audience of the show both domestically and internationally.

Let's broaden that sh*t.

What really makes the show work is that it's based on your life.

However, we feel we can expand its appeal by bringing in some other elements.

Other elements like... water, fire, earth and sky?

(Chuckles)

I'm sorry, what elements?

We love the conflict you have with your wife's Mexican family.

The language barrier, the culture w*r the fact that they don't really accept you.

But, what we think can really take this show over the top are you ready for this?

I'm ready.

We want it to be set in a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

What?

It still plays out like a regular sitcom.

You have your job, she has hers.

All the same conflicts with the family.

But here's the twist.

You're being chased by zombies and vampires.

(Laughs)

Are you serious?

It's campy and fun.

Vampires and zombies are hot right now.

But no one has done it in a multi-camera sitcom before.

We already got approval from the man upstairs.

God approved me getting att*cked by zombies and vampires?

Our God.

Hal Moocher.

Why don't you just throw in some mutants and lesbians?

They're hot too.

We all want a hit, right?

That's the game. The network feels...

The network feels?

We feel like this direction, it's going to be a major hit.

All of our research indicates that this is going to be a monster.

This is just not really what I signed on for.

I mean, this show is really different than the show that I was pitching.

Mm-hmm.

Can I think about it?

This new version is already approved to go to pilot.

I just thought we were gonna do a show more like -

Everybody Loves Raymond.

You know, with the little Mexican thing.

This show sounds more like every undead person's trying to eat Raymond.

(Chuckles)

Don't you... don't you think?

(Phone rings)

Man: Hey.

What happened to my show?

Robby, give it a chance. This is gonna be good for you.

You knew about this, didn't you, you prick.

You have to admit, it's different.

Different is good.

Different and insane. People will laugh at us.

Isn't that what we want?

This is humiliating.

It's humiliating, yes. But that's network TV.

Of course it's humiliating.

Buddy, do you know how many people would die to be in your position?

Even if it's shitty, which most likely it will be millions of people are gonna watch it.

And you have to admit you haven't exactly been very visible in the last couple years.

I can't just do stuff, just to do stuff.

Hold your nose buddy. Pick up that check.

They are going to pay you a shitload of money.

And you get a piece of the show, right?

Well, I packaged it.

The writer's mine and you're mine.

So you know what man, I'm not letting you quit.

Yeah, I wouldn't want you to f*ck up your package!

Alright, we'll talk later.

I love you.

Why are you stopping?

When you're done massaging that man's ass can I talk to you for a second?

Francois strained his hamstring and we're saving money on hiring a masseuse.

Oh, we're saving money.

Okay, you're good.

Merci.

As long as there's no happy endings I guess I'm alright with it.

So, how's the show coming?

Hopefully we'll be ready in time for next week's opening.

Oh yeah, sure you will.

Look at this.

It's nice.

Glad you're getting your dicks in a row here.

Andrea's doing the poster.

Andrea?

Andrea my friend, the photographer?

Oh, no. I don't know who that is.

Are you okay?

My stupid sitcom.

What's wrong?

Nah, I don't want to burden you with it.

Hey, it's looking really good in here.

Thank you.

All you're missing now, is like a room filled with crazed women.

You know, like...

(Fake screams)

(Laughs)

(Fake screams)

(Spits)

Sorry.

Anyways, I was telling you that I wish we had something that could take this show over the top.

Okay, let me help.

Tell me, what?

How do we take it over the top?

Like a real surprise something that people can be talking about.

Talking about, okay, alright. I'm with you there.

Create some real buzz.

Buzz, I like it, buzz.

If I just had a big celebrity that every woman loves.

I'll be there.

Aw.

It's not that people don't love you.

But I want someone that women actually love.

What the f*ck?

Did I say that out loud?

Yes, you said that out loud.

Come on.

I know a lot of celebrities.

Who do you want?

Name it, and I'll get him here.

Just say, who, who do you want?

Well, Ryan Gosling of course.

Done and done.

Ryan Gosling, you got him.

Don't promise something you can't deliver.

When do I promise things that I don't deliver?

When?

Patricia: I'm serious, just be careful.

Rob: I won't cum in you.

(Groans)

(Screams)

Okay, besides those times. When?

Come on. We're at the same agency.

It's a favour. I never ask for favours.

They owe me one.

Are you serious?

I'll call over there right now.

That would be amazing.

But don't go crazy spending money.

I won't.

Who knows, maybe if he's a fan he'll even do it for nothing.

Hey, I'm gonna be here for a couple hours.

Can you cook something nice for Miranda?

Oh yeah, I'll cook something nice for her.

And I'll call my agent right now about Ryan Gosling.

Okay?

Thank you.

Alright, babe.

What's the matter?

I think I pulled my groin.

No f*cking way.

No!

Sweetie.

(Phone vibrates)

Whoops, hang on.

Yeah, hello.

Man: Rob, it's Andy.

It's gonna cost you $300,000 for Gosling.

$300,000 are you f*cking kidding me?

How much for just an hour?

That is for an hour, and it's gotta be cash.

And trust me, this is a favour.

Normally he's half a million.

That's highway robbery.

If you want Ryan Gosling, that's what it's gonna cost you.

Remind me not to ask for any more favours.

Andy: You're lucky he's in town.

He is the hottest male actor working.

Yeah, don't remind me.

Do you want him or not?

Yeah, I want him.

Perfect.

Give me the cash on Tuesday, we'll lock up the deal.

How much do you get? That's funny, man.

Dude, it's 150 down and then 150 day of and he'll be there.

He's the hottest actor and a criminal.

It's a lot of money getting Ryan Gosling.

But it's worth it.

Patricia never asks for anything.

I'm gonna make this happen for her.

She's the greatest.

Dirty chocolate chai.

I love your death jewelry.

I like the holes in your face, too.

That's hot...

Not really.

I think you're my soulmate.

You just said that to that girl over there an hour ago.

You say that like somebody can't have more than one soulmate.

Next.

We don't have to be like sexual soulmates you know, we could just be regular mates.

I could help you find your soulmate.

Why don't you have a date over there by yourself.

And your coffee.

Watch out for that guy, freak.

Jamie: I heard that.

Jamie emotionally overcommits too early in every relationship which makes women realize that he's desperate and needy and not in love with them but is just afraid of dying alone in that sh*thole apartment that he lives in.

Jamie: This is the store?

Rob: Yeah, come on. Let's check it out.

I need a multi-vitamin.

But I'm not happy with any of these.

Really? There's so many different ones.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Do you have a multi-vitamin.

Where it's B-12 is not made from cyanocobalamin?

Oh, um, I dunno.

Yeah, a more natural form of B-12 is methylcobalamin.

Or, actually 50% methylcobalamin, 50% hydroxocobalamin.

Yeah, sorry, but I've only been here like two years.

Well, cyanocobalamin is a slightly toxic form of B-12.

It's cheaper, that's why all the companies use it.

Wow, I had no idea.

And why do all these companies use magnesium steroid as a stabilizer.

I mean, carnauba wax is less irritating to the bowel.

You know what irritates my bowels?

You.

And you.

Uh...

What are you like, in the vitamin or health food business or something?

No, it's just something I've always been interested in.

Woman: Excuse me.

Yeah?

Where are the apples?

They're toward the front of the store where you came in.

Ugh.

Um, actually they're... at the front left.

Between the avocados and the oranges.

Oh, okay thanks.

Oh, but make sure to get organic, you know.

Because of the baby.

Really?

Apples have the highest pesticide residuals of any fruit.

Glyphosates in lab studies have shown to shrink the rat's testicles and tits down to nothing.

Nothing.

You don't want that to happen to your baby.

Wow, you're really creepy.

That's a nice ass.

Wow, you know more about vitamins and organic foods than the people that work here.

Wait a minute, maybe that's my thing.

I've been looking for my thing this whole time but it's been right in front of my face.

I've always been interested in vitamins and not dying.

I like buying vegetables that are four times more expensive than what everybody else eats.

That's my thing.

You're right.

I go on the websites all the time for health.

I read all the books about it. I've become an expert in it.

Hey, should I be taking a multi-vitamin?

Absolutely, here.

This one's good enough.

Good enough?

You don't want to put premium gas in a car that's a piece of sh*t.

Okay, come on.

Taking vitamins and eating organic foods is different than running a health food store.

Just because I watch p*rn everyday doesn't make me a p*rn star.

You watch p*rn every day?

Yeah.

You know what I'm trying to say, right?

What kind of p*rn?

I'm trying to figure out whether I should be angry or super hard right now.

What did you know about male strippers before you started your whole male revue show?

More than I'm willing to admit to you.

Who are you right now?

I'm serious, this could be my thing.

I thought you liked Whole Foods.

This could be better than Whole Foods.

Everything will be organic.

Including the shopping carts.

You think you'll have time for this and your TV show?

My TV show's turning into a piece of crap.

What do you mean?

The network's trying to ruin it.

They've changed it completely.

Why didn't you say anything to me?

Well, I didn't want to bother you with it.

You have your whole show that you're doing and...

Do you really want to open your own health food store?

Yes, I do.

If I'm gonna do this TV show just for the money at least let me put it towards something that I'm genuinely passionate about.

If it's something you really wanna do I'll support you.

You will?

Of course.

Do you think it's a good idea?

I do.

I actually think it's a great idea.

Me too.

I love it.

(Chuckles)

I love it.

Awesome.

Alright.

I already ordered all the refrigerators and freezers.

Now, if I sign a really long lease can you lock me in at a lower price?

Let me work on the numbers.

What if I pay cash?

Cash, we like cash.

You like cash. He likes cash.

Hi.

Hi, how can I help you?

I need to get a cashiers cheque and then I need to cash it.

Okay.

You might need to talk to your bank manager.

It's for $150,000.

No problem.

I need you to make a little notation on the cashier's check.

It's for Ryan Gosling.

What?

Just in case I can write it off.

I need a notation that says 'For Ryan Gosling'.

You know Ryan Gosling?

We're at the same agency.

I mean, I'm kind of hiring him for an event.

There's the card.

Hold on a second.

(Gasps)

Ryan Gosling.

(Moans)

(Moaning intensifies)

(Moaning gets louder)

(Very intense moaning)

(Screams)

(Laughs)

Would you like that in fifties or hundreds?

Whatever you have that's still dry.

Thank you.

There we go.

Great.

Okay.

Well, easy come, easy go.

Easy come.

(Laughs)

Ryan Gosling.

Ryan.

Gosling.

(Pants)

Okay. Okay.

Ryan Gosling.

Thanks.

Hey, Jamie.

Yo.

What's up?

You've gotta hang on to this for me.

That's a lot of money.

Why don't you hang on to it?

Because I can't let Patricia know how much I'm spending on Ryan Gosling.

I can't have this at the house.

You must really trust me.

Well, you've worked for me for a long time.

Just don't open it.

No, of course not.

I'm serious.

This would be a life salary for me.

I don't give a f*ck.

Me neither.

Seriously, don't open it.

Can I squeeze it?

No, you can't squeeze it.

How much money do you make?

No touching, no looking, no squeezing.

What's the most amount of money you've ever seen?

I don't trust anybody.

Especially Jamie.

He's not a bad person, he's just... an idiot.

I got a really good feeling about my thing.

Well, you're going to have to take care of it yourself because I'm exhausted.

I'm talking about my health food store.

I got a really good feeling about it.

Oh, good.

Look, I'm glad you're doing your own thing and that it makes you happy.

I want you to be successful.

Wow, where's all this coming from?

Maybe doing my thing has helped open up my eyes a little bit.

I get what you're really trying to do with your thing.

You do?

Yeah.

I mean, at first I thought you were some bored unhappy housewife, looking for any excuse to surround yourself with a bunch of dicks.

Now...

I know it's that, but it's more than that.

You're trying to make something.

And I want you to know, I get it.

Hmm.

Really helps those to communicate.

And to understand what the other person is going through.

What they need, what they want.

Because words are a terrible way to really understand what the other person wants.

It's a code, basically.

You have to decipher that code to figure it out.

When my wife says to me late at night: (Spanish accent) I'm going to go downstairs, and get some water.

What she's really saying is: (Spanish accent) Go downstairs and get me some water.

(Laughs)

And then when I say back: Do you want me to get it for you?

What I'm really saying is: Please don't make me get it for you.

I don't have any pants on right now.

It's cold as sh*t down there.

I got my pillow between my knees perfectly right now.

(Laughter)

I'd have to get recomfortable all over again.

I think you're my soulmate.

I barely know you.

I'm serious.

Um...

You know.

The only reason I came back to your apartment is because I'm trying to save money on the motel.

Yeah, it's a great idea.

That's why I stay here.

Save money from the hotel.

Stay around a while.

You're creeping me out a little bit.

No.

Yes.

(Glass breaks)

Where are you going?

You told me you're going to give me money for my taxi?

No, don't.

We could have a life together.

I'm okay.

Or maybe just another 20 minutes, please?

No.

Five minutes?

No.

Just... can I touch you again?

God, no. Okay.

(sighs)

Hold on a second.

(Screams)

Thanks.