01x05 - Shoplifter

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Superstore". Aired: November 2015 to present.
"Superstore" follows the work lives of employees at a big box store called "Cloud 9".
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01x05 - Shoplifter

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪


What are you doing? He's so peaceful. Just let him be.

Man, if I got to be awake, he got to be awake.

[Shouts] Yo! Old white dude!

Black people taking over!

Ooh. That usually wakes 'em up.

He's not...

No, he couldn't be.

Hey, hey, Pop-Pop. Hey... ah!

Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy! Jonah touched a dead guy!

[b*at music]

♪ ♪

Well, we can likely rule out foul play According to his license, he was 87.

Probably died of old age.

My great-grandma died the same way.

Her mom too. Bad genes, I guess.

So, she just kept the dead man's wallet, and we're all okay with that?

Finders keepers.

Anyway, uh, I thought we should all gather.

As a group in sort of a safe space.

So that we can share any feelings that we have.

About what happened.

Um, is anyone feeling any sadness?

Or shock?

Or guilt?

There are no wrong answers.

Yes, Garrett.

I guess apathy.

I don't got any feelings about this dude.

Okay, uh, Garrett, thank you for sharing.

Um, is anyone else feeling feelings of apathy?

Okay, well, that's valid.

That's Va... no, it's not valid! You know what?

No one is leaving this room until I see someone.

Express some real g-d emotion!

Uh, well, perhaps seeing a dead person today.

Made us all realize how fragile the journey of life really is.

Thank you.

A little cliché, but points for effort.

All right, um, why don't we just all.

Bow our heads...

No religion in the workplace.

Okay, a moment of silence.


Not if you're thinking about god.

Okay, Amy, could you come and say a few secular words?


Charles, uh, wasn't just a man.

Who needed corrective lenses, he was also not an organ donor.

And, um, in conclusion, he lived on Oak Street.

Thank you.

[Sighs] So tragic.

What's gonna happen to the couch?

What? The couch?

It was the fanciest one in the store.

He died on the fancy couch?

Does that mean it's gonna be on sale?

We don't have to tell anyone somebody died on it.

Not disclosing someone died on it is lying.

I'm a man of truth, Dina.

Maybe lying's your thing.

Oh, you like truth, huh?


How 'bout this truth: You have the hands of a middle-aged woman.

You want to play the truth game?



Your podcast is a mess.

[Dina gasps]

Yeah, no one wants to hear your rambling.

Just get to the interview.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

You're loading that wrong.

Oh, um, thank you, little girl, but I think I know what I'm doing.


There we go.

Just got to use a little muscle.

Can I have one?


And I don't know if you...

Emma, there you are. I told...

You loaded it wrong?

Wait a minute. That's your daughter!

Shh! We're not allowed to bring our kids to work.


My sitter canceled, and she's hanging out.

For a couple hours, but can you please not tell Glenn or...



No, no, no, no, your secret is safe with me.

I'm not telling anybody. Hi, I'm Jonah.

Yeah, I figured. You're right, he is incompetent.

You told her I was incompetent?

Ba-Na-Na-Na. Talk about me at home?


I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted. don't be flattered.

[Whispers] Hey, Garrett.

I've got a shoplifter in my cross-hairs.

Hmm, I've taken four breaks today, so I guess we both got stuff to brag about.

[Sneaky music]

♪ ♪

[Baby cries] My baby!

Gotcha, you gorgeous piece of garbage.

Did you get to the part where he finds...


Well hurry up, I want to talk about it.

Amy, can I see you for a minute?

Um, wait, I have to watch the jewelry counter.

Jonah? Watch jewelry, will you?


Um, no.

I don't think, um, Jonah has very much experience.

With... jewelry.

I don't have any jewelry of my own, but my brothers have some jewelry.

That I've played with.


Um... yeah. Okay. Uh...

Well, I'll be right back. don't go anywhere.

Stay here, and, uh, whatever you do, don't bring attention to the jewelry.

Trust me, no one will know the jewelry is here.

There is so much I don't understand about sales.


So what else did mom say about me?

Aside from the general incompetence.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, "Maze Runner!"

We must chat when you get back. I have lots of opinions.

I'm a hunter.

Some people like to hunt elk, or deer.

I hunt people, and your head is going on my wall.

I didn't steal anything.

Oh, you didn't?

Well, this was easy.

Sorry for the mix-up, you can go.

Here, let me get you your purse. Oops!

Ha ha!

Well, well, well, lookie what we've got here.

That's mine. I came in with it.

How convenient for you.

Well... [groans].

I guess it's just my word against yours then.

[Sighs] If only I had some sort of device.

Right at my fingertips that recorded your illegal activity.

[Gasps] Oh.

If only I could simply press a button, and see that recording.


If only that had worked.

I have always wanted...

You? No, no, no...

A blue couch!


My home is all about...

Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, okay.

Y'all in judge Garrett's court now.

You both want the couch. Plead your case. Go.

I'm pregnant, and I have so little...[Cries]

Where's the baby gonna sit?

Uh, fake cry.

I invented fake crying.

She was my sister!


I just want to hold her one more time...

Wow, you could be in a lifetime movie.


We gonna do this the easy way.

You want the couch?

Whoever sits on it the longest gets it.

You get up, you lose. You in?



"It is not death a man should fear, but never beginning to live."

Marcus Aurelius.

"I don't got no fear of death."

Tupac Shakur.

Those are beautiful, Glenn. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um, I think I need to get back to the jewelry counter.

Oh, sure, get back to jewelry.

A man died here today.

When I die, will it be business as usual?

Jewelry, cosmetics, sporting goods, electronics, grocery... No, you're right.

You're right, Glenn.

Men's apparel.

Women's apparel. Housewares. Seasonal.

Well, would it make you feel better.

If we did something for his family?

I know a guy who makes life-size puppets.

Of the deceased using their actual hair.

Well, that's one idea. Here's another one.

What if we sent his family a condolence card?

Oh, that's even better.

'Cause those puppets are pretty horrifying.

Hey, Emma? [Toilet flushes]

You... you've been in here a while.

Is... is everything okay?

I'm fine. Can you get my mom?

Uh, you know, your mom is actually.

With our boss right now, and I don't want.

To get her in trouble, so...

Can you please just get her?

Uh, you know, Emma, whatever it is, you can trust me, I promise you...

I got my first period!

I'm gonna go get your mom.

Hey, have you seen Amy?


I got to get back to jewelry, but this seems very Charles.

Uh, wait a sec.

Wait, so you detained her without proof?

There was a faulty surveillance camera.

She could sue the store! Do you remember Linda Beavers?

She was fired for falsely accusing someone of shoplifting.

Wait, Linda was fired?


She told me the doctor said she was too fat to work.

Yeah, that was just her excuse to save face.

Look, I'm not falsely accusing her.

She did it, I just can't prove it.

Okay, she hasn't been in there long, so just apologize, and hopefully, that'll be the end of it.

You want me to let her go? I saw her do it!

It doesn't matter what you saw.

Just cut your losses and move on.

That's an order.

I just sounded like my wife right there.

Hey, Emma, I want you to know I can't find your mom, but don't worry, I can handle it.

And I'm in the men's room.

I want you to know, I can't find your mom, but don't worry, I can handle it.

Are you sure?

'Cause my mom said you're not that good at doing stuff.

Did your mom ever say anything positive about me?

This is not about me.

It is unfortunate that.

The situation arose where you were accused.

Of something that, due to circumstance, the proof that you did it...

[Clears throat] Was lost.

Such that, to anyone who wasn't there in person, they wouldn't know you had did it.

I'm sorry, is this an apology?

Yes, and don't say sorry to me.

I don't accept.

Uh, don't worry. I won't.

I'm leaving.


Just need you to sign this form. Stating that I let you go and that you won't sue the store.

Anything to get away from your polyester blend shirt. And that stupid little ponytail you're forced to wear.

Uh, the ponytail is not forced. It is one of 12 approved hairstyles for female employees.

Mm, well, whatever it is, it's pitiful.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you work retail.

Pitiful means sad.

I know you stole.

Oh yeah? Prove it.

We're just getting started, lady!

I cannot physically touch you, but I can get very close.

So, the episiotomy is when they have to snip.

The area between your vagina and your butthole.

So that you don't tear your pee-hole.

You know, it's not working, okay?

I'm not getting off this couch.

And it's all held together by a mucus plug, so imagine, like, a bag of cherry pie filling, but it has a hole in it, but the hole's being blocked.

By a big ball of snot.

Yep, yep, miracle of life. Get it.

I wonder if I'll eat my placenta.
Hey, uh, Dina?

I'm in a hurry.

If you want to talk, you have to walk with me.

Uh, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but, do you remember your first period?


February 4th, 2003.

It was a Tuesday. Unseasonably warm.

Okay, so...

I was 19.

Late bloomer, though I've more than made up for that since.

My gyno says I ovulate like a champ.

I drop eggs hard.

All right, uh...

You know my aunt was born with two vaginas?

Yeah, she always thought it would help her date, but it didn't.

She died alone. Well, she will die alone.

She's still alive. She's only like 50 or something.

Okay, thanks.

Think I got all the information I need.

[Chuckles] God, I'm good at flirting.

♪ ♪

Hey! You! Rodriguez! Follow me.

What's the hold up?

Well, I don't like when people snap in my face.

I'm busy. My name's not "Rodriguez."

There are so many reasons.

I need your help.

That shoplifter's still upstairs.

Dina, you didn't let her go?

You heard Glenn, you could lose your job.

Not if we can get her to confess.

We... uh, sorry. We?

Look, I know we've never been close.

Frankly, there are a lot of things I can't stand about you, but right now, you're the only person I trust.

Um... no.

Please... I...[Sighs]

I don't want to lose my job.

Is this gonna take a long time?


I mean, I was hoping for a quick nacho bar fuel up, but we can skip that.

I mean, unless you...


We'll skip it! We'll skip it.

Excuse me, ah...

I'm an 11-year-old girl. Do I like pads or tampons?

Hyp... hypothetically.

Oh, hey, dude.

You want to split a pizza for lunch break?

What do you know about periods?

Oh, it's bleeding from the uterus.

That's released through the vagina.

Happens every 28 days, give or take a few, depending on the lady.

They all snowflakes.

So was that a no for pizza?

I don't think I'm hungry anymore.

Whoo, I am.

♪ ♪

So how, exactly, are we getting her to confess?

We're going classic good cop, bad cop.

Like they do in the movies?

Trust me. I've been doing this for years.

This'll work.

Okay, good cop, bad cop.

Hey, there, this is my bestie, Amy.

Be careful of her, she's a little unstable.

Um... [clears throat].

Listen up, dirt bag.


Do you need some water or a mint?

God, you're just so pretty.

Are you gonna let me go, or what?

I want to, but Amy here is a maniac.

She's loco.

[Thick accent] Uh, yeah, loco! Loco 'bout bustin' perps!


Oh, hey, um, I've decided to take up a collection.

For the dead fella's family.

Maybe you guys could, like, take this around.

And get the other employees to donate?

Got it.

Money for the dead guy.

Mm-hmm. Oh.


Should I just put it...

Yeah, just, you can set it down.


You know that's the couch he died on.

Okay,Uncle Jonah's back.


Please pretend I did not just call myself "Uncle Jonah."

Did you get something?

Yep, these are colorful. Oh!

And this one has a girl playing soccer on the cover.

I just want whatever's easy to use.

I got to be honest, none of these really look easy to use.

My cousin Ricky started out shoplifting.

Now he's bangin' out license plates in some prison.

Trying to avoid a big guy named Crazy Eyes.

Crazy Eyes is a character in "Orange Is the New Black."

Crazy Eyes is a character in every prison in America, ladrona puta.

Is she okay?

I don't understand what's happening.

It's boxing.

Okay, listen Rizzoli and Isles, I'm not confessing to anything, especially not to two minimum-wage morons.

I'm sorry, what?

Hey, sweetie, you seem stressed.

Do you want a back rub?

No, no, no, no, no.

Who do you think you are?

You can't just walk up in here, start calling us morons.

Amy, forget it, okay? This clearly isn't working.

Guess you're free to go, courtesy of one broken camera.

In the Makeup Department.

Wait. You saw her in Makeup?


Well, you know, the cameras in Accessories.

Also cover Makeup.

[Gasps] I just realized.

If we pull the footage from Accessories, we've got our proof!

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

And you're going down, thief!

Enjoy prison!


Oh, boy.

It's a heated competition.

I think you're just supposed to open it.

From... or... nope, I broke it.

Nope. Yep. That can't be right.

It's soft. Oh, this one looks easy.

That... it travels. That one's a traveler.


Emma, look through the crack.

I'm a mummy! Ahh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right out.

I'm helping a little girl.

Can't wait to see you bust that filthy bitch to hell.

You can drop the bad cop act.

It's not an act.

I genuinely hate this lady.

Nice. Oh, here we go.

♪ ♪

She's innocent.


♪ ♪

Everyone here at Cloud 9 is so, so sorry.

To have inconvenienced you, and we are willing to.

Do anything to make it right.

Here are some coupons. Uh, 25% off air fresheners.


Uh, buy one, get one free toothpaste.

And, um, and a free slushie.

But, you know what, something tells me.

You're not a slushie girl, so I'll just keep that.

Let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can either fire this dum-dum right now, or I can go home, call your corporate offices, and make them fire her.

Okay, let's just talk this through.

It was one mistake.

I'm leaving.

I can't waste another minute of my life.

With you back-country idiots.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it: I like her less than I like other people.

["Somewhere Over the Rainbow" plays]

♪ Somewhere Over the Rainbow ♪

I can't believe I'm gonna lose my job.

I just upgraded all of the trash cans in my apartment.

Stupid, Dina, stupid!

Relax, things have a way of working out.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be happy with me gone.

You can turn this place into some sort of.

Deranged religious cult.

[Alarm blares]

Well, well, look who didn't feel like.

Paying for their copy of "Barney's Breat Adventure."

That's not mine, someone else must have put it there.

Now, let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can report Dina to corporate while I report you.

To the police, or we can agree that sometimes good people make mistakes, and put this whole darn thing behind us.


But I'm never stepping foot in this dump again.

And God grants us another miracle.

Have a heavenly day.


Did you plant that?

Dina, I'm a man of truth and principle, so how can you even ask me that?


It was me. I did it. I saved you.

You owe me so hard! So hard!

Yeah! I lied!

See that? In the back corner?

You see the little family over there?

k*ll 'em. Blow 'em up.

Here you are.

I'm sorry I was gone so long.

What'd you do all day?

Uh, we mostly played video games.

It was fun.



Good job.

Thanks for, uh, keeping an eye on her.

It was easy. She's a great kid.

Yeah, she is.



Jonah taught me how to use a maxi pad.


Thank you all for gathering to help me.

Honor and remember...

Charles Maynard Rand.

Why do we have to destroy the couch?

Well, for one thing, it's a wonderful way.

To memorialize a man.

Plus, I looked up the store policy.

If a death occurs on any display furniture, it has to be destroyed.

Who knew?

I knew.

Same thing happened at the Kirkwood store a few months ago.



We didn't know Charles, but he chose to spend.

The last few moments of his life with us.

Charles, may your soul...

Or non-denominational life force, I guess, be lifted by the non-gender-specific.

Arms of a loving entity or non-entity...

Hey. Just once?

Knock yourself out.

Jesus Christ!

The hands of Jesus Christ, who saves us from our sins.

With his precious blood, and welcomes us as little lambs...

Hey. Thanks for helping me out today.

Yeah, I got your back.

I know you brought your daughter into work.

I got to write you up. You get it.

We give you the love, and we take away the evil!


[Exhales] What a day!

How much gas you put on that thing?

None, and that fabric is supposed to be fire-retardant.

Okay, uh...


God bless us all, and let's get out of here.
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