01x01 - Pilot

[piano music]

[giggles]

Pervert.

What?

Just doing a little riverdance on your boobs.

[Laughs]

More like ice capades.

[Groans]

[Sighs] No, no, no, no, I stink.

Um, yes, I want... I want that.

No, you stink.

[Laughter]

Blah. [Laughs]

♪ let's get ready for school ♪

One, two, three, four, five.

♪ let's get ready for school ♪

One, two, three... four, five.

Sylvia!

Yes?

I made a roast.

Can you just put it in the refrigerator?

Yes.

And then 350 at 4:00?

Si.

I think that... that'll work.

Come on. Put that away.

Hey, hey, hey, let's go.

Let's go!

Let's go, let's go.

[Door closes]

Oh, man. Hello... Len?

Was that your dad?

Did your dad just go to work without saying good-bye?

I think your dad just went to work.

Where are my keys?

So I have a new idea.

Okay.

A really big juicy one.

Remember that kids book "are you my mother?"

Oh, yes, I love that baby bird.

Um, okay, I want to do a parody of that, Okay.

Sort of urban outfitters checkout line kinda book.

It would be called...

Are you my soul mate?

Hmm.

And...

Um...

Um...

And it would be a...

A sort of cautionary tale about...

Slutting around and...

Mm-hmm.

You know, just... being me.

[Cell phone ringing]

This is weird. My dad literally never calls me.

Get your foot off my backpack.

Ella, get in your seat.

I'm not touching it.

Stop. Stop it.

Uh, all right.

[Children's CD playing]

His foot is on my lunchbox.

[Children bickering]

Hands up, hands up, hands up.

Why do you always believe her?

[Phone ringing]

Mom, mom, mom?

Oh, it's grandpa.

Hey, dad, what's up? I got the kids in the car.

Oh, this is super tweet-able.

Girls in the band getting crafty.

Perfect.

Can you knock it off?

Can you, uh, lift it up a little bit?

No. Mm-mm.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm serious. Just...

Like this? Like...

No.

So that...

'Cause I want to continue with my knitting.

[Giggles]

Is this sativa or indica?

Sativa.

Tell Barry...

Are you serious?

That, uh, we need to...

God, stop talking.

Re-record my vocals on party fowl.

No, sativa gives me anxiety attacks.

Okay.

Hi.

Someone's here.

Someone has keys?

Should I hide the weed?

Yeah, it's my sister.

She's got keys, and yes, hide the pot, or she'll smoke it all.

Hey, whoa.

Hello.

Hi.

There's two of you.

Hi, I'm Ali.

[School bell rings]

Hey.

Hey.

Sarah, hey.

Hey.

How are you?

I'm...

I'm good. Good.

Sorry I didn't reach out earlier.

I should have.

No.

When you... no, when I found out you moved to L.A., I should have...

And then I saw you at orientation, and...

Oh, yes, the day was...

That was totally nuts... so...

So crowded. It's... it's totally cool.

Yeah.

I thought maybe we'd get the girls together for a playdate or something, but I haven't...

I haven't seen you at a pickup, or a drop off, or...

Yeah, Jane's being doing drop offs, pickups .

I've been in Bahrain for work.

Bahrain? Wow.

Bahrain.

Anyway, thank you..

But then I saw you on the fundraising committee, I thought I should just go on the fund-raising committee.

Oh, God, don't. It's awful.

It's worse than Bahrain. I mean, if you don't raise 5 grand for tu bishvat, Dana Goodman just implodes, ready to blow it up if you don't get that gold.

Thank you for saying hi.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh...

Now we've broken the seal.

Seal's broken.

I'll see you around.

Oh, my God, please don't tell me you f*cked 'em both at the same time.

No, I'm actually not, because one of them is 17, so I'm not f*cking her.

The other one is an actual delightful human person, so I'm not f*cking her either.

I'm actually making very sweet love to her, you know, just sort of like connective, spiritual, creamy, double-churned...

No, don't talk to me like that.

Which one are you doing that creepy thing to?

The one on the left with the hair.

Hmm.

Their band's actually good.

You would like them.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

What are they called?

Glitterish.

Glitterish?

Yes.

Sounds like clitoris.

No, it doesn't.

This is the one where one woman stands in the back very seriously playing the triangle?

Yeah, that's true...

Ah, yes.

But it's actually really important to the sound.

It is.

Very important to the sound?

Oh, my God.

What do you have against the triangle?

How do you feed these children you have over at your house?

There's nothing in here.

You should get some, you know, what they like?

Juice boxes and string cheese, treats for the kids.

Are you done?

Have you talked to daddy?

Yes.

And?

You think he has cancer?

Kinda.

Well, if he's really sick, he should start gifting us 12 thou a year now.

Why?

Tax purposes, you know.

It just... anyways, don't worry about it.

Hi.

Oh, oh, what is this?

Shotgun Willy's.

Mmm.

Oh, my God, I just got a boner in my tummy.

[Laughs]

This one is pretty sure dad has cancer.

What?

No. Seriously?

Seriously.

I thought maybe we were here to hear about his engagement to Marcy.

Dad's not getting engaged.

He's too much of a pussy hound.

Ew.

Really, he's a Marcy hound.

Haven't, like, the last six been named Marcy?

Yeah, Goldberg, Kaplan.

Two. Two Marcys.

Goldberg and Kaplan.

Marcy Fitzelfinerheinstein.

[Laughs]

Rubenstein, or... what was that one?

Ru... Rubishnowitzshitzlitz.

Ridinkle.

Marcy Kristallnacht.

Belsenberger?

Kristallnacht.

[Laughter]

Seriously, do you really think it's cancer?

Does shotgun Willy's do the coleslaw with the peanuts by the way?

Damn you, cancer.

Yes, they do.

f*ck.

Who puts peanuts in coleslaw? Assholes.

My darlings. My beautiful, beautiful darlings.

Hi, dad.

Hey, gorgeous.

Hi.

You're skinny.

Oh.

Jesus. Tammy motherfucking Cashman?

God, does Len know the kids are at same school?

Why would Len care?

Um, maybe 'cause you guys spent your entire college years lezzing it up together?

Please, who doesn't experiment in college?

Are you kidding? That's not experimenting.

You guys were talking about adopting a kid together.

That did not happen.

Oh, my God, I distinctly remember you calling and saying you were gonna have two Mexican boys...

Wait, they're...

Salvadoran.

Ali, get over here, you little hooker.

You always do such a good job of getting the food, honey.

Oh, thanks. You can put it on my tombstone.

"Always knew how much to order."

How many are we?

Is, um, is Marcy coming?

Oh, no, no, no, Marcy and I broke up.

I'm fine. I'm better, actually.

Hmm?

Okay, here it is. Here it is.

Oh, my God, look at that face.

Mm. Oh, God.

Look at that.

They would never let me sign a guy like this right now.

Look at that schnoz.

Ah.

You could not get that nose on TV today in a million years.

I loved him so much.

You... you married him.

I did, when I was four years old.

We had a ceremony.

I'll never be happy again.

♪ operator ♪

Both: ♪ would you help me place this call? ♪
♪ see the number on the matchbook is old and faded ♪

Oh.

[Humming]

Both: ♪ living in L.A. ♪

Wonderful job.

Okay.

These are really amazing.

Wonderful job driving up to the place.

Ali, you didn't have one of these.

Are you kidding?

What?

Sarah, I'm gluten-free.

You're having problems with gluten?

Yes, daddy, I'm having...

Yeah, she is.

... problems with gluten.

She's having a lot of problems with gluten, with... also with restless legs.

It's restless leg syndrome.

Also, Epstein-Barr...

Mercury poisoning.

Chronic fatigue, Lyme disease.

Fibromyalgia.

She had Lyme disease.

No, seriously, it was documented.

Four people in Los Angeles have ever had Lyme disease.

Excuse me, there was a bull's eye in my armpit.

And Ali is one of 'em, Dad, but it was temporary.

You have sauce right here.

Oh, my God, leave him alone. He's mid-meal, okay?

This is the golden rule. Let him be as messy as he wants.

We'll hose him down at the end.

No, you clean up as you go along.

You guys really didn't ever teach us how to eat.

You realize that, right?

Because we come from shtetl people.

Your grandma rose actually ate lettuce with her bare hands.

Dear God. Josh, seriously?

Oh, my... do something about yourself.

Actually, on principle, I will not.

I'm eating barbecue, and it's on my face.

I'm not perfect like you.

You have flesh coming off your mustache.

Okay.

Sarah is, like, Miss Cleanliness USA 1992.

Oh, you know what? It's really not that hard...

You wipe...

Why don't you clean up the barbecue sauce inside of your v*g1n*?

Hey, guys.

Sorry.

Listen, I have... I... I need to talk to you about something.

There's a big change going on, and...

Oh, God, I love you kids. I love you kids. I love you kids. [Sniffs] I love you kids. I love you kids.

It is cancer. Oh, my God.

Daddy, are you dying?

Just tell us if you're dying.

You were right.

I knew it was cancer. Daddy, are you dying?

I don't think he has cancer.

Just tell us if you're dying.

Dad, just tell us if you have cancer.

He looks good.

Thank you.

It doesn't matter how he looks.

You remember Jill Goldberg?

Yeah.

She had a melanoma for three years.

They didn't... they couldn't see it.

Then boom! She's dead.

Jill Goldberg is dead?

Yeah.

No, and if daddy had cancer, he'd have the kind where you looked at... like the one... all your friends died of it...

Prostate.

Prostate, prostate cancer.

That's the one that you would probably have, right?

Colon cancer. Super stuff.

Oh, my goodness.

You never know.

Nothing to be joked about.

That's beside the point.

How many of your friend...

God!

Stop it.

God, I don't have cancer.

Do you kids want me to have cancer?

All right.

So... I'm selling the house. I'm done with the house.

I'll take it.

No, you won't.

Why not?

You're not gonna move to the West Side.

No, not to live in. I'm gonna flip it.

I've been zillowing the f*ck out of this place.

You know how much it's worth right now?

Well, I... oh, it's cold.

I'm sorry.

I'm almost done. I just got to...

Please?

I'm sorry.

I'm thinking that you and Len would love to live in this house.

Both: Oh, my God.

No f*cking way.

Jesus Christ.

Why do you want to give the house to me?

Because I do.

This is crazy.

Now, she needs two sugar daddies?

She's already got one.

I want a husband to buy me a house and work his ass off so I can just go to yoga and just take naps all day.

I'd love that.

Why do you two get to decide who gets the house? You both have a house.

I don't have a house.

You can't have a house because you can't handle money, which is proven by the fact that you don't have a house.

"Proven" is not a word like that.

"As proven by the fact"... that's a verb.

As an adjective... "A proven fact"... that works.

See, this is why you have to date children 'cause they don't correct your grammar.

I do not date children.

Yes, you do.

You're a child, actually.

Listen, dad, it would have been really nice if you had talked to me about this privately, before you turned it into a free-for-all.

You know what?

I have a show, and I love you guys very much, and I will speak to you later.

Good-bye.

All right, you want to take this home?

Yes, please.

Dad, you don't need all this food, right?

Ah.

Dad, I'm gonna put these baby backs in a ziploc for you.

Where are you gonna live, daddy?


[Utensils clinking]

Here you go.

[Clears throat] It's just a loan. You know, the unemployment people, they just Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Suddenly got my apartment number wrong.

It's fine.

I don't know. Somebody else is getting my money.

What happened to the, uh, price is right money?

Dad, that was, like, six years ago.

It was six years ago?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Is that all gone?

Yeah. It wasn't that much.

[Exhales]

Well, I'm always...

Always...

Happy to help you out when you're in trouble.

I'm not in trouble. I'm just...

Hmm.

You know...

Out of all my kids, you're the one...

You can see me most clearly.

Probably because we share the depressive gene.

[Laughing] I'm not depressed.

Boy, it is so hard...

When someone sees something you do not want them to see.

Um...

Well, thanks.

Ali, let's hit it.

Go. You want to go.

[Lock clicks]

[Sighs]

[Dialing phone]

[Phone ringing]

Hi.

How'd it go? I... no, I couldn't do it.

My God, I had no idea it was gonna be so hard.

I know. [Laughs]

Oh, thank you. I love you too.

Yes, I will see you tomorrow.

Yeah, good night.

[Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros' Mayla]

[Singers humming]


♪ Mayla ♪
♪ long time ♪
♪ may the ♪
♪ sunshine ♪
♪ Mayla ♪
♪ know I'm ♪
♪ trying to see it through ♪
♪ our future to the new... ♪

Hi.

♪ horizon ♪

♪ Mayla ♪
♪ long time ♪
♪ may the ♪
♪ sunshine ♪

Make yourself comfortable.

♪ hold on ♪
♪ we're trying ♪
♪ our hands are bleeding through ♪
♪ we're building us a new ♪
♪ horizon ♪

♪ Mayla ♪
♪ we're trying ♪
♪ our hands are bleeding through ♪
♪ our death says that we're due ♪
♪ and falling ♪

[singers humming]


♪ Mayla ♪

All he wanted to say was...

You know, announce his retirement.

So that was it.

Yeah.

Thought you guys already knew that he was retiring.

Well, yeah, but not, like, when and...

I mean, you know, he sort of... It was like a confirmation.

Seems like something he could have told you over the phone, but...

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he just wanted to get us all together, I don't know.

You're sure it's not cancer?

No, no, we talked about that.

No cancer, which is great.

[Metallic rattling]

Hey, I was thinking about, um...

Inviting Tammy and grace over for a playdate this week.

Would that be okay?

Of course it'd be okay. Why wouldn't it be okay?

She's that, um, lesbian that I went to Madison with.

I like lesbians. [Sniff]

[Doorbell rings]

I says, "I didn't join this board to watch you turn it from people who care deeply about palm terrace to a bunch of newbies who never sat on a condo board before, never dealt with special assessments before, never dealt with sh1t, frankly."

Hi, darling.

Hi, mommy.

I could go to jail.

I could. If you're gonna sit there, take your shoes off.

I'm gonna cut up cantaloupe.

Well, he'll make a pretty penny off that sale.

You're not gonna get any of it?

He's done paying me out.

Dating younger women doesn't come cheap.

Well, he says he's single now.

I wouldn't believe a word your father says.

Nothing, not a word, nada, ninca, nein, nicht.

How much did you guys pay for that house when you bought it?

$83,000 in 1972.

Josh and I were looking at old records.

There's so many good ones. Why'd you let him keep them all?

You know I don't care for music.

Is he okay?

What?

Is he okay?

Ask him.

Everyone thinks since he started losing words he stopped being able to hear, but he can hear.

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

How you doing?

See?

Where were you?

I don't get why you'd ask me to sleep over if you're just gonna be, like, a billion years late.

'Cause I can't sleep without you next to me now.

Oh, my God, you have your ambiens.

My dad's gonna sell my house.

This house?

No, the family house.

They got divorced. My mom moved out.

My dad got to keep it.

I was 15.

Why'd they get divorced?

They said they weren't in love anymore.

Well, I went to target, and I just... I took her out, you know what I mean?

And I got into, you know, the checkout line, and the girl at the cash register said, "I need to see some I.D.

With that credit card of yours.

And, um, well, you know what that's like, right?

All: Mm-hmm.

And I just knew. I said, "this is gonna not be good. This is gonna get ugly."

And so she just, um, kept looking at me...

And then she said, "oh."

Like that, you know?

[Person chuckles]

And she rung up the, um...

Batteries, something.

Oh, that was a...

I mean, that was a big victory.

And I didn't, uh... I was like, "Do not cry in front of this woman.

Do not cry in front of this woman." thank you for your share, Maura.

Thanks for being vulnerable with us.

One more thing.

I made a commitment here last week that I was gonna come out to my kids, and I didn't do it.

Because it just wasn't time, you know?

But I will, and it will be soon...

Yeah.

I promise you. I promise you.

I promise you.

[Laughter]

They are so selfish.

I don't know how it is I raised three people who cannot see beyond themselves.

[Soft piano music]

Do you remember the house?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was there that Thanksgiving right the week after your parents...

They told you guys they were getting divorced.

Oh, yeah, right. That was... that was a fun time.

That was dark.

You wanna go check it out?

Right now?

Yeah.

Uh, man, I...

I don't know if I can cancel this thing I've got this morning.

Oh, this thing? You have this thing?

Come on. You don't have a thing.

So what are you looking for?

Well, I hate my body. I hate it.

I wanna change it.

What do you wanna do to it?

Uh, okay, well, I want those sculpted arms.

You know, just, like, instead of this, the sort of sinewy, like...

And then, you know, a nice, tight, little waist and big, round ass.

Um, you know, I just wanna feel rooted, you know?

Like... like a f*ckin' tree trunk, just planted, you know? Like I'm not just gonna fall over.

Okay. What do you eat?

Just food, mostly.

Just a lot of food.

And then sometimes, I try to eat not as much of the food, and... but then, I get into this deprivation thing and then...

Yeah, you know, I'm not into deprivation.

Okay, good.

I believe...

I believe in discipline.

I could use some discipline.

Oh, my dad's bedroom.

Holy sh1t, yeah.

Right?

I remember it.

Just need to keep Len off the scent as long as possible.

Why? He doesn't wanna live here?

He'd jump on it.

All he ever talks about is moving west.

He hates the east side. He bitches about it all the time.

Calls it "the ghetto."

"Geh-heh-toe."

"Ghetto."

I don't know if I'm ready, though.

You know, the Saturday mornings, that farmer's market, and the pupusa lady.

Ah, pupusa.

Pupusa.

Say it again.

Pupu...

Sa.

It's so dirty when you say it.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

I love you.

You're such a loser.

Do not say that.

Actually, I have a song I want you guys to cover.

That's what you're thinking about right now?

Uh-huh.

♪ operator ♪
♪ oh, could you help me place this call? ♪
♪ See the number on the matchbook ♪
♪ is old and faded ♪

Good job.

There you go, keep going.

Keep going.

♪ With my best old ex-friend Ray ♪

I can't do any more.

Come on, yes, you can. Come on.

Give me one more. Let's go.

♪ Isn't that the way they say it goes? ♪

I gave you everything I've got.

♪ Let's forget all that ♪
♪ and give me the number if you can find it ♪

Move that big ass.

♪ Just to tell 'em I'm fine ♪

There you go. Nice.

Give me one more.

♪ just convince myself ♪
♪ that it just wasn't real ♪
♪ but that's not the way it feels ♪

Now, you give me ten more.

Ten, nine...

♪ Operator ♪
♪ oh, could you help me place this call? ♪

Eight...

♪ 'cause I can't read the number ♪

Seven...

Six...

♪ There's something in my eyes ♪
♪ you know it happens every time ♪
♪ I think about the love ♪
♪ that I thought would save me ♪

Five...

♪ isn't that the way ♪
♪ they say it goes?

♪ but let's forget all that ♪

Four...

♪ And give me the number ♪
♪ if you can find it ♪
♪ so I can call ♪

Three...

♪ Just to tell 'em I'm fine ♪
♪ and to show ♪
♪ I've overcome the blow ♪

Two...

♪ I've learned to take it well ♪
♪ I only wish my words ♪
♪ could just convince myself ♪
♪ that it just wasn't real ♪

One.

Dad?

Hi, girls.

♪ But that's not the way it feels ♪
♪ operator ♪
♪ oh, could you help me place this call? ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't read the number ♪
♪ that you just gave me ♪
♪ there's something in my eyes ♪
♪ you know it happens every time ♪
♪ I think about the love ♪
♪ that I thought would save me ♪