01x06 - The Wilderness

Now, that's my kind of man.

Anybody can be your kind of man.

Oh, hi.


Ask him to join us.


What's your name, honey?


He looks like he doesn't belong here.

[Knocking on door]



Hi, papi.


Come on in.


How are you?


Oh, thank you. Come on in.

I am not as good as I wanna be.

What's up?

Um, stuff at work.

This is nice.

Thank you.

What's going on at work?

Uh, I don't work there anymore.


What happened?

We had a falling out.

It's not the end of the world.

No, but...

I need to go out on my own.


I need to get out of my comfort zone.


I need to... it's time for me to have my own label.

I was even thinking that, if we sold the house soon...


We could maybe even use some of the proceeds to, you know, fund my new record label.

All right. Well, let me contemplate.

I... if I do...

Um, we certainly don't tell your siblings.

Sure. Yeah.

I think we could do that.

And, um...

Did your sisters talk about...

What's going on with me?

Yeah, um...

Yeah, I gotta say, they kind of made it seem like you were parading around town in a dress.


But you look totally normal, except for, like, your pony tail's longer.

Oh, well, these are... these are clip-ins.

You know, they just... kind of fun, right?


Make the whole thing longer.

I'm cool with it.

What do you make of all this?

Is there anything you wanna say to me?

I get it.

You do?


You could say anything. You can ask any question.

Whatever people want to do behind closed doors...

Oh, closed doors.

That's their business, you know?

Can I go to the bathroom?

It's through the bedroom.

I think dad's losing his mind.

I went online and looked up his symptoms.

The first sign of dementia is a change in personality.

It's not dementia.

Like, he has to be the center of attention, you know?

Like at Zacky's third birthday when he showed up in the beekeeper costume?

That was hysterical.

No, it wasn't.

It was inappropriate.

Oh, God.

You guys think it's real.

It is real.

It's definitely real.

Okay, so what does this mean?

Everything dad has said and done before this moment is a sham?

Like, he was just acting the whole time?


It just means we all have to start over.

Which is why I am going back to school.

Syd told me about a program at SMC that sounds perfect for me.

Here we go.

Here we go where?

Ali's got an interest.

Oh, yeah.

She's gonna sign up. Buy some books.

Oh, and dad's gonna pay the registration fee?

Yeah, she's gonna need a new wardrobe.

Dad's gonna get her some school shoes.

School shoes.

Dad's gotta buy some clothes. What about when dad got her the loom?


[Laughs] Loom!

The loom. Loom!


You're back on dairy.

Look at those children playing.

[Sighs] We make gorgeous children.

We do.

A happy, sexy Sunday to you.

One single malt coming right...

I have a favor to ask.


Can we try something different?

Oh, God in all heaven, don't tell me it's the cock ring again.

No, no, no, it's not the cock ring.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

So I'm reading this article in esquire.

Yeah, go on.

And there's these guys... listen to me.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

And they wear their wives' underpants...

Oh, continue. What?



What? Okay. All right.

I'm listening. I'm here.

I'm right here. I'm looking at you.

So they wear their wives' underpants...

And they become suddenly...

18, you know? You understand?

Ooh, this is good.


This is very good.

This is very good.

So do you have a pair that, you know, I could wear?

I might stretch them out a little bit, but...


So it's women's studies and gender studies.


I'm so excited.

I just really feel like I finally, like...

I've been, like, so, like, curious and fascinated and obsessed all these years, but didn't know what to do.

And now I just feel like there's a direct, you know, path and some structure.

I think it's going to be great.

I think so too. I think it's wonderful.

It's all totally thanks to you, so thank you.

Really? Little old me?


Because I'm a renowned scholar and academic?


Just say yes.


I'm very proud of you.

I always told you, you have the brain.

You have books in you, young lady.

You know, it's good. You have a big intelligence.

Well, I don't know about books.

I mean, it's the gender stuff...


You know, that I'm really excited by, and...

Oh, I'm so excited for you.

Um, thanks.


You know, I saw so much of myself in you when you were... when you were just young and growing up and experimenting in your gender confusion.

What do you mean, my gender confusion?

Oh, you know, you were such a tomboy.

[Speaks Hebrew]

You know, neither here nor there.

Some people say it runs in the blood.

Um, so...

Should I just call Howard, or what?

You mean about the money?


'Cause I have to register and stuff, like, tomorrow maybe.

You know, um...

Not, like, seven.

If you could do me a favor, you don't tell Josh and you don't tell Sarah, okay?

'Cause it's not fair.


That's totally fine.

Yeah, call Howard.



You know, I'm doing my LGBT Trans Got Talent?


And you said uh, were gonna check your calendar.

Oh, yeah.

Can you come?


Grandpa is going to come tonight.


And grandpa now dresses as a woman.

But he's still really a boy, right?

Actually, no, really, he's... he really... he is a girl.

Okay, so this bear.

How do we know if the bear's a boy or a girl?

Does it have a v*g1n*?

I don't know. Do you see a v*g1n*?

We don't know.

I don't see but I don't see anything. Just see hair.

So how do we know?

I don't know.

I don't know if he has a pen1s, but... I don't know.

You can change if you're magic.

Is grandpa magic?

Yes. Yeah.

He's... she's magic.

You need to steer the ship now, just...

Okay, it's not really magic.

Anyone, really, can do it.

Well, it's not that easy.

Kind of... it's kind of hard, you know?

It's... you can't just, like... just back and forth... no.

Will grandpa have pretty hair when he comes?

She... she might.

She really very well might.

Because women bled without dying, men were frightened.

And thus story was invented.

The hero's journey was the only way out of that fear.

Why is she bleeding and not dying?

Very short journey to pap smears from there.

A very short journey to theory talk.

And of theory talk, Audre Lorde's comments about storming the master's castle with the master's own tools.

How does theory talk relate to storming the castle?

I'll tell you, my good friend bell hooks once said... not a name-dropper, but we are good friends...

She once said... she's a total namedropper.

She's like, oh, yeah, me and Audre Lorde, like, we went and hung out.

We went to Fire Island together.

No, you guys didn't.

No one goes to... she doesn't go to Fire Island.

[Speaks French]

We went and hung out in France.

No, you didn't.

She just makes up this bullshit.

And I told her no.

I said that's... that's not the way it feels.

It's the way it sounds, but it's not the way it feels.

But feeling is too feminine.

I cannot believe that you f*cked her.

It wasn't just that. We lived together.

I know, for, like, a long time, right?

Yeah, six months.


The masculine insists to cut things up with exclamation points which are in and of themselves small rapes.

The way an exclamation point might end a sentence and says stop talking woman.

Have you ever been raped by an exclamation point?

Actually, once I was gang raped.

Question mark, exclamation point, and semi-colon.

Yeah, that's brutal.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

It's very underreported.

Is that a question or a comment in the back?

Just some follow-up.

Hello, Syd.

Nice to see you.

How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

We'll talk after.

If it isn't Sydney Feldman.


Good to see you, darling.

You too. This is my friend Ali.

I loved your TED Talk on rape culture and breast feeding.

And thank you so much for letting me audit your class.

It's very feminist to audit.

It is.


It's not unfeminist to audit. One second.

Dale, I got one more for you, sweetheart.


Why is Paul Bunyan teaching a women's studies class?

'Cause he's trans, dude. He's trans.



Uh, do you want me to introduce you?

Oh, no. No, no.

You're gonna leave me here?


Hey, um, I just wanted to tell you that I like your shirt.

Thanks. Thank you.

It's, uh, flannel.

Flannel. So versatile.

I wear it every day.

I would.


So much you can do in it, you know?


I, uh, eat in it.

Sleep in it.

Can chop wood in it.

There are just so many things you can do in flannel.

Coming out at 68?

That's one bold father.

Yes, bold is the word.

I had to come out twice to my parents.

First time I came out to them, I said that I like girls.

And the next time I came out to them, I said that I was a boy.

My mom still calls me Megan.

Megan? What?

You look nothing like a Megan. Nothing.

Oh, I have so many questions.

I'm afraid of being offensive.

Let me guess, uh, the first question.

All right, so I'm a man with a vag.


I mean, that's awesome.

You have basically experienced the world as two genders.

That's incredible. You're like... gender enlightened.

You know, you wouldn't believe the sh1t that dudes say when they think a woman isn't around.

I'm like a double-agent.

Oh, my God.

I don't know, and I want to know.

You don't really want to know.

Where do you live? Can I come over?

Can I just interview you for a week?

Okay, I'm... I'm confused.

I just want to clarify. I just... you're... you're a dyke, right?

No, I'm not a dyke.

God! This whole time you thought you were talking to a boring lesbian?

Excuse me.

Well, yeah. I mean I...

You kind of give off those vibes, you know?

No, no, I mean, politically, I'm basically a lesbian.

Yeah, I see male privilege everywhere.

And, I mean, I would totally love to be a lesbian, but I'm not a dyke, I'm, like, really into dudes, you know?

Like, dude, dudely-dude, dude.



Dudely dudes.



The dudlier the better.

Manly, you like...


Yeah. What about you?

Do you like...

Dudes? No.


No, no.

Well, I like women.

Yeah, right.

I mean, generally I usually go for, like, really, you know, like, really fem women, like, really, like, lipstick and heels and...

Oh, yeah.

That kind of... you know, like, high fem.

Not just fem, but high fem.

You know what I mean.



Yeah, let's go.

Okay. You're all good?


Just relax. Breathe.

I feel like I'm gonna faint.

Act natural.

Oh, yeah. Do I not look natural?

Hello, sir.

You look amazing.

Hi, do you know where the ice... ice machine is?

Yeah, it's just right down there.

Thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

[Both laughing]

Thank you, sir.

I can't run in these!

You're bad!

Sleepaway camp for cross-dressers.

These are the happiest girls in the world.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

A beauty pageant.


Nails, a celebration.

There is a beard cover seminar.

A tea dance.

Oh, my God. It sounds so fun.

We have to go.

There's no way. I cannot go.


I would love to go.

I can't go.

You can go.

It was hard enough for me to come here.

I can't.

So take the next step.

I can't get away for a week.

You could get away.

How could I do that?

Just tell... I tell... I tell Shelly that I am going to a conference and I just go...

Accountants don't have conferences. Stop!

I can't!

Two Caesar salads.

Enjoy, ladies.

Enjoy, ladies.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, my God.

When is it?

It's in the fall.

In the fall?

It is... here it is. October 23rd.

Ah, sh1t.


Oh, it's my daughter's f*cking bat mitzvah.

God damn it.

[Laptop closes]



Hi, handsome. How are you?


I like your fuzz.


How big is your cock?

I don't... I don't know.

I'm... I kind of want to just ask some questions.

Ooh, you're kinky, honey.

Seriously, a real question.

A real question.

You wanna be straight up my ass?

[Chuckles] No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

You want a little peekaboo?

No! Hey, hey, hey!

I do not want to... I want to know, like, when you knew that you were trans.

You're trans, right?

Yes, honey.

I'm all woman. And I've got a cock to prove it.

Do you like to dress up in women's clothes?


You want me to f*ck you?

I could do that.

[Laptop closes]

[Overlapping greetings]

Shabbat shalom.

Come on in. Let me show you around.

Oh, cool.


This is really lovely.

It's pretty awesome.

Just getting started.

I love it.

Hope you don't mind.

Just a few minor changes. Thank you. For the wine.

I cannot believe you left this place.

Oh, you don't want to live in the Palisades.

They... they would chase our kind out with a stick.

They've only recently started letting in the Jews.

This is nice.


Oh, you kept some of the books.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I love books.

Me, too.

As a design element.

That television is huge.

Look at that.


It's great.

Tammy's stuff.

I love it.

I'm sorry, dad. We just got... you know, it's so fun for the kids in the summer.

Yeah, movie night! It's gonna be great.

Yeah. I know it's hard to adjust to, like, not be able to cover it up.

No, it looks beautiful.

I love it.

Oh, thanks.


Oh, no!

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, no, no, no.

There's children here.

Dad, this is Bianca.

This is Tammy's step-daughter.


Hi, Bianca.

You are pretty.

She's gorgeous.

Mommy told me you are magic.

I am magic.

I didn't say magic exactly.

I was trying to explain... you know, just in case...



I understand.

Does anybody want drinks?

All: Yes.

'Cause I could hook you up.

Okay. What would you like?


A cup of anything, as long as there's booze in it.

All right, and... okay.

Vodka tonic.

Arnold Palmer.

Okay. All right.

If we look at a map, the Promised Land is actually not that far from where Moses lived.

It would be like from here to, I don't know, Mexico.

All right? Not that far.

But 40 years?



It's because God needed that amount of time to change slaves into free people.

A previous generation had to die.

No one got in from that generation.

It's only those that were born free and were born in the wilderness that get to see the Promised Land.

Shabbat shalom.

Now that the sun has gone down, cell phone rule is in place.

This is so beautiful.

Thank you so much.

Oh, good.

I didn't know you... you did all this.

Well, Tammy and I have been kind of working on making Friday nights, you know, dinner time, time to unplug.

She read about it in Real Simple.


In Real Simple? What is that?

Mindfulness... about mindful living.

That's great. That is good.

Um, why don't we do the candles?

And mapa, you wanna do the honors?



Can I help? I would love to help.

No, you can't.

It's... I'm sorry.

It's a tradition that the mother of the family lights the candles.


All right. And you have to be chosen.



All right, here we go.

♪ Baruch atah adonai ♪
♪ Elohenu... ♪ Am I lighting this? Am I...

♪ Elohenu melech alom ♪

Yeah, you're lighting it, but you're gonna burn your finger.

And I think you're singing Hanukkah.

I think I am.

Let's try that...

I don't think that's the right tune.

Are you sure you were chosen? 'Cause...


Okay. All right.

One-time chosen.

Chosen at one time.


♪ Asher kiddeshanu b'mitzvah tav ♪
♪ Vitzi vanu I'hdlich ner shel shabbat ♪

Happy shabbos.

Kissy-kiss. Love you.

That was beautiful.

Josh Pfefferman, what the f... pfeff are you doing here in a suit?

Oh, I just wanted to, you know, show you that I'm not totally drunk and crazy at all times...

Oh, I see.

And, you know, see what you're doing.

Seemed to be a tough day for your family.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad Ed is... okay.

He's good, he's good.

Your mom must be freaking out that you're here.

Oh, no. She has no idea.


And you will not tell her, because she would be way too excited.


Um, this is my first real shabbat service, shamefully.

Say that three times fast.


We're gonna try to do a community room down there.

And this...

Is ye olde tiny mikveh.

We're trying to get the funding to renovate it.

It used to be, I think, about... life events transforming.

Can I get in there?



Can I have a drumroll, please?

This Sunday. 8:00, yes?

Davina, my lovely friend, and I are doing a duet at the LGBT center at Trans Got Talent.

A duet. You're gonna sing?


That's what a duet means.


Yes, we're going to sing.

In a talent...

She's great.


She has a great voice.

I'm good. I don't know...


I don't know the lyrics very well.

That's... but this is me. This is how I look...


At your mouth while I...

I do it. It's kind of scary, but I'd love you to be there.

Ali's coming. Can you come?

Yes? Yes? Yes?

I'll be there.


And you'll bring Joshy? Because he's so weird in this whole area, and it just scares him, and... but I need all three of my babies close, close, close.

All right, dad.

I promise. I'll get him there.

So you've never been married.

You never had any kids.

Nope. Mm-hmm.


I mean, I...

I did get... I got close.



I think I ended up wasting maybe my last good years on just... the wrong person.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Yeah, maybe. Yep.

Your last good years?

Look at you.

No, I mean, like...

I mean, you have plenty of time.

There's like... people think life is short, but life is long.

But you, uh...

I'm a woman.

I was talking about my dying eggs.


I did not know of what you spoke.

I apologize. I should have been clearer.

Right. Check.

So now I've got just crunchy, crispy, old lady eggs.

Just... it's like a...

I bet your eggs are super moist. Come on, now.

Oh, I bet you say that to all the ladies.

[Doorbell chimes]


Who is that?

Are we expecting somebody?



Hello, hello.


Hey, guys.

You guys ready?

We said 8:00.

No, I can show you where we said 7.

No phones at shabbat. Sorry.

That's Bianca. Tammy's step-daughter.


And this is Davina.



And you know Tammy.

Hi, Tammy.

Good shabbos, Leonard.

Hi, Mort.

How are you?


I beg your pardon?

I'm going by Maura now.

I'm sorry?


[Chuckles] Wow.

Welcome. Sit down. Have a seat.

No, it's okay.

Sit down.

I was driving. I've been driving a long time.

I drove all day to get these guys, so...

Oh, okay.

Well, Zacky's got a cold, so...

He's got a what?

He's just got a little bit of a cold.

How'd he get a cold? Did somebody give you a cold?

Someone in this room give you a cold?

Did she give you a cold?


No, I'm just curious. Who started the cold?

When I dropped you off, he was completely healthy.

Go get ready to go to your dad's Leonard, would you like some raisin challah?

It's very good.

No. It looks great. Thank you.

Thank you, anyway. [Cough]

I'm so sorry.

Uh, I'm about to get into a car with two small children, and I would like to know, uh, what do they know about this?

I just want to get the terminology straight.

Are we talking about grandpa Mort?

Grandma Mort?

What is it exactly?

Because we had said that we wouldn't do this, uh, until we had talked to the kids.

Well, Tammy and I did talk to the kids.

Oh, Tammy and you talked to the kids.


You and Tammy?

I'm sure that confused them even more.

Believe me, we did not talk about anything beyond their own understanding, okay?

Beyond their understanding?

Tammy, I don't understand this.

Oh, there's that tone.

Oh. [Chuckles]

It's my tone. That's what it is?

This is all great. But it's my tone?

It's the register of my vocal cords, that's what's confusing to everyone.

'Cause I can change my tone.

[High pitch] I can talk like this.

Talk like a lady.

Okay, would you ladies be more comfortable if you all lived on an all-female planet?

Maybe you could sail off in a uterus-shaped spaceship.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

Maybe I can cut my dick off.


That would make it easier for everyone.

I could be a girl too.

Put that knife down.

[Slams table]

This is my family.

Leonard, I am so sorry.

This is my fault.

I should have called you.

Honey, I should have taken you out to lunch, and we should have talked.

But I didn't do that.

And I'm sorry about the Mort and the Maura and the he and the she.

I'm just a person, and you're just a person, and here we are.

And, baby, you need to... you need to get in this whirlpool... or you need to get out of it.

I'm sorry about the knife.

[Knife clinks]

Good shabbos.


I hope I'm not ruining the kids with all this crazy stuff.

Remember our crazy stuff?


But it's all blended in with the good stuff.

I'm glad you remember the good stuff.

I want you to have this house.

You and Tammy. I want you to be here.

You mean, like, to... to sell it, or...

No, no.

Don't talk about that now.

I just want you to be here. I want you to be safe.

Thank you.

Don't tell Josh or Ali.

That's a pretty color.

Thank you.

It's called "cherries on fire".