01x07 - The Symbolic Exemplar

[Sighs]

What the f*ck is high fem anyway?

Is this high fem? Lace?

No, that's like what you're wearing when they find your body in a motel room.

That's not... that.

You know, just a little word of advice.

Kind of creeps guys out when you bring luggage over on the first date.

It's not luggage, it's a bag.

It's just an extra bag.

I don't know what we're gonna do.

Is this high fem? Is this good?

No, that's Holly Hobby.

I don't get it the high fem thing.

Okay, I'm low fem. Me. Low fem.

Right?

Okay, so what am I?

You're, like, Middle Earth fem.

Like, The Hobbit?

No, like people that live under the subway.

Like mole people fem.

Okay, like that?

Mm-hm.

Okay, I don't want to hurt you.

That's good.

Whoa.

Whoa. That is boobage.

Right?

Like spilling out.

You have total cleavage.

I totally do.

Okay. Yeehaw.

I like it.

I like it.

All right, suck it in.

You look hot as sh1t, Al.

Look at this. It's torture.

It... it's torture in a dress.

Like, I just want to... I, like...

Just bring me out there in a noose.

I'm not doing my bat mitzvah.

What are you talking about? That... that's a beautiful dress.

It's a terrible dress.

I disagree with you.

Honest, do you actually believe in God?

That has nothing to do with your bat mitzvah, but, um, you know.

[Sighs]

I sometimes have conflict.

You know, sometimes I just...

I wonder if there's, um...

You know, with the pain and suffering and...

I struggle with it.

So if there is no God, I mean, honestly, like everything we do, no one sees it.

I say cancel the fucker.

Do you have any idea how much money we're going to lose?

I don't give a sh1t about money, I care about what's right.

It's a week away. What am I supposed to do?

I lost the deposits already, all of them.

Maybe if our little heathen in there had had her revelation a few months ago...

Nellie, it's gonna be less money if we just cancel it now.

Please?

You know what?

I already paid three grand for the invitations, the postage alone. What am I supposed to do here?

You're not supposed to do anything.

It's not your bat mitzvah.

It most certainly is.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to be a man, and save the goddamn day.

♪ [Piano]

Bueno, bueno. Me gusto.

Quiero que ustedes poner esos en el truck por favor.

Hey, babe.

Hey!

Oh, my God.

I know, right?

Wow.

[Vocalizing]

You know, the pony wall's gone.

Pony? What the hell's a pony wall?

My mom call... Isn't it called a pony wall?

I don't know, but it is now gonna be called the open-the-fuck-up railing.

It does. It opens it.

[Singsongy] Celebration weekend.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, right.

A magic f*ckin' miracle.

We're finally gettin' our custody schedules aligned.

No kids.

Yeah, but don't forget, we also have to go to the talent show tonight.

Oh, right.

Oh, my gosh.

What?

Joshy's Michael Jackson glove.

Really?

f*ckin' holy...

We looked for this. He cried.

Uh-huh.

He used to do these moon walk shows for me right before bedtime.

[Gasps] His pirate treasure box.

This thing is cool. Did you see this?

What?

You were gonna throw this out, right?

Babe, check with me. See how it folds?

I love this thing.

Hi.

♪ If I'm standin' in a crowd ♪

You look good.

Thanks.

♪ Don't go to strangers ♪

Wow, this is far.

Almost there, little lady.

♪ Wave your arm in the air ♪
♪ Let me know that you care ♪

All right. We're home.

♪ When in doubt, open wine ♪
♪ Call on me ♪

Wow, your house is awesome.

Thanks.

♪ Don't leave me here to rust ♪
♪ Don't let me try to beg you ♪
♪ Oh, woman, when in doubt ♪
♪ Call on me ♪

Nobody said you could sit down.

♪ In a crowd ♪
♪ Call my name ♪
♪ Call it loud ♪
♪ Don't go to strangers ♪

Do you think it's, like, suspicious if I check off too many things?

No, Dr. Steve don't give a f*ck. He's my homeboy.

I mean, I just want to justify.

You know what I mean?

Hey-oh!

Hey, buddy.

Look at this.

Good to see you.

How are you, handsome?

Yeah.

Lookin' good. Oh, hello.

Hi.

You're a beautiful lady.

Thank you.

My sister.

I'm Sarah.

Hey, I called your guys for the hookup for those, uh...

Wisebury panic tickets and they said it was a no-go.

What's up?

I know, bro. I'm sorry.

Can't help you in that department right now.

I'm just, uh... Some sh1t went down at work.

Uh-oh.

He kinda got fired.

But when I get my new label goin', it's gonna be major.

Well, let's see what we got. Let's get down to brass tacks.

What do you think is the worst out of these things?

'Cause you checked a bunch.

Anxiety. Irritable bowel syndrome.

Really? For such a pretty lady.

Such an upset tummy.

Yeah, it's sort of hard to say.

Like this weekend I don't have my kids for the first time, like, ever in their whole lives, 'cause I had this recent separation and it's kind of...

But it's like I... But I...

I don't really... I mean, I don't really feel that. But I... I don't know.

Like, I guess I'm, like, really revved up during the day, and then when I try to sleep at night, I can't get to sleep, but...

I mean, it's so funny, like, I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.

So this, like, totally doesn't make sense.

You seem very anxious.

I do?

Yeah. I mean, sexy but anxious.

Oh, thank you. How soon do I get the pot?

Oh, no, it's not pot. We call it medicine.

f*cking talent show?

What? And the dude had no talent whatsoever.

What... what talent did he acquire now that he's a chick?

And why did you tell him without talking to me?

How many f*cking little league games has he gone to for you?

How many hours has he wasted of his life?

You can give him one.

That's his job as a father.

That's what he's supposed to do.

Oh, my God, I had forgotten how much I love this.

Yeah.

This... this is legal.

I have a bag. I have a f*cking bag of sh1t.

This is way stronger than what you remember from college.

You have no idea what's in store for you.

It's called a... What is this one?

It's like Jedi kush.

We didn't have f*ckin' names.

Pink revisions? What the f*ck is that?

Oh, my God, I'm sorry, I'm bogarting this whole thing.

Do you want some?

I'm... I'm not...

You don't want any?

I'm trying not to pile f*cked up on top of freaked out.

You're not okay with all this sh1t with dad.

I don't know what I am.

I didn't know whether you were a leg man or a boob man, so I...

Don't talk.

Just let me look at you.

What do you want me to do?

When you talk to me, I want you to say daddy at the end of it every f*ckin' time.

What do you want me to do, daddy?

Hike up that skirt.

Let me see those panties.

Pull 'em down to your knees.

Daddy, normally I would object to the use of the word panties.

Shut the f*ck up. You talk too much.

What the f*ck is all that?

Big girls have bush, daddy.

Not all of 'em do.

We're gonna f*ckin' fix that.

When you came in, I kind of thought you were gonna have the yarmulke on.

Is that ridiculous?

It's not stapled.

I don't staple it on my head.

No.

I didn't want to throw you off with too much jewiness on a first date.

I just want to sneak a peak.

Just like a little bit.

Can I?

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Okay, I'm gonna do this.

Here we go.

That's right. It goes back.

I usually have my hair up, but...

See? It's not so sexy.

I... I don't know.

Sexier.

Mm.

Not so sexy.

Sexy. Not so sexy.

Sexy. Not sexy.

So sexy.

It's sexy. Either way.

♪ If I'm standin' in a crowd ♪
♪ Call my name ♪
♪ Call it loud ♪
♪ Don't go to strangers ♪

Not what I had in mind but this is pretty hot.

♪ Wave your arm in the air ♪
♪ Let me know that you're there ♪
♪ When in doubt ♪

Get up.

Where are we goin'?

Shopping.

We are?

You want to f*ck me with that pink dick?

Nah. Needs balls.

How about this realistic one?

Too veiny.

You gotta let the dick choose you.

Keep lookin' around.

Sparkly unicorn.

That's... That's what you want?

Yes.

Hi.

Here, let me get this.

Oh, this is on me, daddy.

What?

Daddy.

Um, hold on a second.

Wait, wait.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on.

This is embarrassing, and it's never happened to me before.

That's okay. That's totally fine.

There is... I'm not worried about anything.

That's... This is okay.

All right, 'cause I kinda want to be like...

[Laughs]

Okay, I'm... I'm... I have a fear that I'm just gonna name, 'cause I'm just... I'm... I'm a namer.

Please.

Uh, my... my mentor talked about how sometimes rabbis... anybody, like, priests, people just project their...

Al their God sh1t on you.

Oh, God, no, no.

So I'm just like a walking yarmulke, you can't ever get a hard on in front of me.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. It is not you.

My father is my mother right now and I'm...

I'm... in my head I'm, like, basically afraid I'm never gonna get a hard on again. Like ever.

Tonight, I'm suppose... My sister wants me to go to this talent show.

Trans talent.

My dad's gonna be in it, he's gonna be wearing a f*cking dress.

Do you want me to go with you?

No. No, no, no.

Uh, mainly, I don't know what I'm gonna see.

How about this.

You go.

Mmhm.

I will empty out your fridge, try to make something that we can eat, to have it here when you get back.

What on earth is left to rape?

What flowers? What two lips?

What...

Great, uh, cut to the end.

Free Palestine.

Blades? Where's my blade.

Roxy, you're up next.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

It looks so cool. Moppa woppa.

Shh.

Hi. Hey.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hi. Hey.

This is like a big deal.

Um, I'm gonna need, uh...

All right, so you're in the fifth row.

Oh, my God, and the sparkling.


Hey, how are ya?

Hi, sweetie.

How are you?

Good.

I'm good. Josh and Ali are coming?

Yes, poppa, they're coming.

Good.

I have to get into my show garment.

Okay.

Well, uh, good luck.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

What are you...

Why are you so...

You know, actually, they don't say good luck.

They say, break a leg.

Because, uh, if you say good luck that's bad luck.

Oh, well, then, break a leg, then.

I'm not good at this.

All right, well, then, break a leg.

Break a leg.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Show garment.

How funny is she?

Will you put this down 'cause I saw a bar.

I'm just gonna grab a drink.

All right.

Are you... you cool? You all right?

Yeah, this is great.

All right.

♪ [Pop]

Oh, I'm sorry, I totally forgot about this thing.

Hopefully, it won't take long.

Are you kidding? These are my peeps.

So this is like an annual, bi-annual, like, I'm not sure.

I've Ne... this is my first time.

My... my, uh, dad. Oh, not my...

My mom is performing. Moppa.

Oh, my God. My brother, he's here.

He's here, he's here.

My brother! Over here!

You were supposed to meet me in the parking lot.

Whatever. Jesus, you're fine.

Do you have the vape pen that I bought you?

I did bring it with me, I thought you weren't doing that.

Yeah, I just changed my mind.

Okay, there's a room over there, let's just go in there.

Oh, you know what? I see my brother and sister.

I'm gonna just... will you grab me something strong?

All right.

Oh, it smells like weed in here.

Oh, my God, Ali.

What the f*ck?

What are you wearing?

It's like high school.

Are you in the show or something? What are you wearing?

I am dressed up for a date, thank you very much.

No, I don't want that.

I feel weird today. Yeah.

Really?

Will you look at those boobs.

No, stop it.

They're like my boobs.

I'm on a date with that very handsome fella in the plaid shirt...

Which one?

With the beard.

The one with the beard?

Yes.

God, he's f*cking hot.

He's like a professor, guys. He might even be my T.A.

Oh, and also, he's trans.

f*cking Ali, Jesus Christ.

That's bullshit.

Not bullshit.

Wait, that dude wants to become a woman?

That dude was a woman.

No way.

Did he have the lower surgery?

He didn't.

Lower surgery?

Still has a v*g1n*.

What?

That...

Um, I just realized something.

That means that four out of five Pfeffermans now prefer pussy.

I believe it should be pfour out of pfive Pfeffermans...

Hey.

Prefer pfpussy.

Say it, don't spray it.

Wait, mom's the only one left who likes cock.

Are you sure mom likes cock?

Yeah, somebody should ask Ed about that.

[All] Oh, Ed.

Oh.

All right, give it up for Roxy Shay.

[Cheering]

When I say trans got, you say talent.

Trans got...

Talent.

Trans got...

Talent.

I need to hear a little bit more love.

When I say trans got, you say talent.

Trans got...

Talent.

Trans got...

Talent.

That's what I'm talking about.

[Cheering]

Put your hands together for our beloved mama Davina, and our new friend Maura.

[Cheering]

Oh, my God, he looks just like Aunt Lily.

[Laughs]

♪ Now and then I think of when we were together ♪

[Cheering]

♪ Like when you said you felt so happy you could die ♪
♪ Told myself that you were right for me ♪
♪ But felt so lonely in your company ♪
♪ But that was love and it's an ache I still remember ♪

[Cheering]

♪ You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness ♪
♪ Like resignation to the end, always the end ♪
♪ So when we found that we could not make sense ♪
♪ Well, you said that we could still be friends ♪
♪ But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over ♪
♪ But you didn't have to cut me off ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Make out like it never happened ♪
♪ And that we were nothin' ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I don't even need your love ♪
♪ But you treat me like a stranger ♪

You want to get out of here?

Yes.

♪ And it feels so rough ♪
♪ But you didn't have to... ♪

Oh, my God.

Whoo! Sorry.

Sorry, I'm just...

What's goin' on?

Just really losin' it in there I guess.

Want to move back to a stall?

Sure, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Laughing]

♪ Now and then I think of ♪
♪ All the times you screwed me over ♪

Josh.

Wait, aren't...

Where's your family?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know? Are you drunk?

What?

♪ ...I'd done ♪

What the hell's going on?

You're absolutely drunk.

Would you get off my ass?

You are, you...

Shh!

Oh, f*ck.

Would you...

Goddammit, you just spilled all over me.

I spilled on myself, too.

Shh! Be quiet!

Wait...

♪ You said that you could... ♪

Oh, man, I can't get...

Who makes these freakin' things?

I don't know.

Are you wet?

Yeah.

You seem so wet.

Yeah. Totally wet.

You want this?

Yeah, I do.

You're gonna get it.

Pull down those panties.

What kind of company would make packaging like this?

Panties down.

Oh. Oh, my God, I got it.

I got it.

Hike up that skirt. Okay.

Get it up there. Ohh.

Um, yeah, I... We might just need a little lube still, though.

Yeah, oh.

Oh, that's so... That's good.

Oh, yeah.

That is good right there.

Okay.

Right there, yeah.

Ready?

Uh-huh.

Oh, sh1t!

Oh.

[Sighs]

I'm just gonna wash it off.

Mm. Mm-hm.

Okay.

You know what? Or maybe not.

♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Now you're just somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Somebody ♪
♪ Somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Somebody ♪
♪ Somebody that I used to know ♪
♪ Somebody ♪

[Cheering, applause]

Josh.

What?

Just wait up.

We can't do this. We can't do this to dad.

She's gonna be totally devastated if we all leave.

I can't be in there. I'll text him later, okay?

No... okay. All right.

Well, will you give me a ride home?

I don't want to wait for Tammy.

She's, like, f*cking being a... asshole.

That's Tammy's truck?

Yeah.

Oh, f*ck.

Why are there parts of our house in Tammy's truck?

That f*cking bitch looked me in the eye and made me a promise.

You think it's funny?

Back to f*cking reality, Stonehenge.

You had no right to let her do that!

It's not your house!

Goddammit!

Huh. Yeah!

Wow!

What's up?

Damn!

sh1t!

That bitch did all this?

You're trippin'. What is wrong with you?

All the f*ckin' wood is gone.

All the f*ckin' books are gone.

And look.

We have a beautiful plasma television set instead of a fireplace because only a f*cking moron caveman would light a fire in an actual fireplace.

Now we can watch a fire on TV.

Or you could just sit down and we could watch normal TV.

I'm packing a bowl. Do you want to join me?

Chill out.

Yeah.

Cool.

What the f*ck?

This sh1t is mine.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

This is mine since I was 11 years old.

You had a treasure box full of pot when you were 11?

No.

I kept dirty pictures in here.

[Laughing]

Hey, sweetie.

We're gonna go have a couple of drinks.

You want to come with us?

No. No, thank you.

How come? What's wrong? What happened?

I just don't want to.

Listen, sweetie...

Oh, here we go.

She's about to read you. Get ready.

I hate to say that I told you so about family, but, you know, f*ck it.

Let's just go drink and have a good time.

I don't want to.

You're spending a lot of time... stuck on those... pardon my French, rude f*cking kids.

I'm gonna go celebrate. We were brilliant.

Are you in?

No, thank you.

Come on, Shay.

Bye, girl.

Josh.

Josh!

Yucca!

What the f*ck?

His car's here, he's gotta be here.

[Sighs]

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck is going on down there?

Yucca, get the f*ck out of the pool!

Chaser? What does that even mean, a chaser?

Just someone who likes trans people because they're trans.

Wait a minute, are you calling me a chaser?

I'm just saying the timing's interesting, that's all.

[Sighs] God, this thing is f*cking tight.

[Grunting]

[Panting]

Everything cool?

I think I'm just gonna grab my stuff and go.

Wait.

You okay?

Is this your house?

Of course. Why?

You want some tea?