01x08 - Best New Girl

Yes, I'm very upset.

Whoever heard of a surprise conference?

It's not a surprise conference.

There's a surprise speaker.

Harvey Claire...


...came back from Russia a week early, and he had access to pre-1952 communist archives, and he has this theory about the Rosenbergs.

Oi, the Rosenbergs.

I'm going to make the best of a bad situation, and I advise you to do the same.

Relax, just relax, and enjoy yourself.

Well, thanks to Ali, I can't go into the village.

If I do, I'm going to run into somebody, and then I'm going to have to explain and explain and explain.

No one owes anybody any explanation, Shel.

It is what it is.

Yeah, it is what it is.

That's right. It is what it is.

God. Poor mom.

She does have her TV shows.

Oh, yes. Her love of Mary Tyler Moore.

Of course he didn't. He just left. Just now.

And he left me to pick up the pieces, per usual.

All right, I'll be over in ten minutes.

God, Judy. It's white wine. Just put it in the freezer.

I've got to go check on your aunt Judy.

She threw out her back again.

I may sleep over.

Oh, uh, honey, you're in charge.

Get yourselves a pizza, okay?

Wait, mom, I didn't fly all the way home to babysit.

Come on.

Tell that to this one.

She's the one that canceled her Bat Mitzvah.

I love you. I know. I'm a terrible, terrible child.

Yes, you're a terrible child.


Don't watch TV all night, and do whatever your sister says. Goodbye.




Are we going in circles?

No, we just made a right turn, and I think it's up ahead.

I know we didn't miss it.

Okay, here we go.

My goodness.

Hi. Uh, Pfefferman.

Uh, Pollard.

Thank you.

We made it.

Oh, my goodness.





What a change.

I know.

Look at her.

My God.

Excuse us.

We're new.

Oh, my God, look at this.

Mark? We're mother-effing here.


Best New Girl

♪ Oh, sister, when I come to lie in your arms ♪
♪ You should not treat me like a stranger ♪
♪ Our father would not like the way that you act ♪
♪ and you must realize the danger ♪

Wow. This is nice.

Oh, it's Western. I love it.


I love the panels.

Um, I'm going to take that bedroom, if that's all right.


I want to be close to the bathroom.

That's fine.

Ooh. Oh, I love this.

I'll take this. It's bigger.

500 calls and electronic mails went out announcing that a 13-year-old is now making the major decisions around here.

Oh, for God's sakes.

It's like you do your do-si-do, you turn around, your dance partner's not there.

Like Marilyn's wedding and Merle's funeral, and how about my house last year, 4th of July?

I bet you his T.A... What's her bucket... Eve... is there at the conference with him, too, with that stupid banana clip.

They're probably both orgasming over some tedious detail about the Cold War.

What about the couples counseling?

I am not throwing away good money to have a PHD tell me that I have to give my husband more oral s*x.

But you are having s*x, aren't you?



Uh, I think he's trying to get kinky.


I... I can't say.

Come on. Now you got to tell me.



He wants to...

Do all men do this?

He puts on my underpants when we're doing it.

I mean, I... I had to stop it.

Wait, wait. Back up. What do you mean, on?


He... [Chuckles]

Wait. On?

Stuffed himself into my underpants.

It was the biggest camel toe I've ever seen.




Oh, my God.

You know, Eddie... Eddie Paskowitz from the school board...

Oh, from the school board, yeah.

He keeps inviting me over to his place.


Hmm, yeah.

I've said no, like, about five times.

It would serve Mort right if you did.

What does that mean?

Honey, I just... I don't know why you don't treat yourself as well as he treats himself.

[Woman singing]



Welcome, ladies. Here, honey, put this on.

Enjoy yourselves.

Hey Hi.

Oh, it's amazing, isn't it?

My first time, yeah, mm-hmm. It's very...

Yes, they've added a few new hot water heaters.

That's an improvement from the old days.


You didn't have hot water?

Well, we had some, but you take a bath in about that much water, and it was done. And they finally, finally, hired some professional servers.


They used to have these girls, these teenyboppers from this little Lutheran school down the road, and those bitches wouldn't even look us in the eye.

They were horrible.

The worst.

The worst, Maura.

That's terrible.

That would kill this.

Girls can be such mean little twats.

Mm. Ladies, this is my wife Connie.


Hi, Connie.


I'm Maura.



Marcy, Maura, hi.

I didn't know wives were welcome here.

Yeah, I'm not sure they're welcome here.

They're tolerated here. And oh, did you know that we have a wives' Bill of Rights?

Are you kidding? Really?


You cannot borrow our clothes without asking us first.

Well, my wife is a 4.

You're not a 4.

No, I'm 4 squared.


Oh! Oh, my God, I love this song.

Excuse me.

Right behind you, right behind you, right behind you.

Are you going to dance?

♪ power of love ♪


♪ Power of love ♪
♪ Power of love ♪
♪ Power of love, right on ♪



♪ I still believe ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ Power of love ♪
♪ I still believe ♪



Sarah tell you she's taking off?

No. Where's she going?


Josh tell you I'm leaving?

Sort of. Where are you going?

Um, okay. So these people at UCSB just called me, and they're going to this really cool protest against abusive labor practices for, like, fruit pickers and stuff, so I don't know. I feel like I can't just sit here when there's people changing the world, you know what I mean?

It's depressing here. No offense.

That sounds dumb.

Don't tell mom, all right?

She doesn't need to worry about me getting trampled or shot at, okay?


Josh, you're in charge, okay? Watch Ali.

Mm-hmm. [Kiss noise]

You want to play Super Mario or go for a walk or something?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Rita. How are you?

Good. How are you?

You look nice.

Thank you.

You ready?


I just need my backpack.

Hey, Ali. How'd your soccer game go?

They didn't put me in.


Okay, I'm just going to wait in the car.

See you.

You guys are disgusting.

What's your problem?

Just seeing you together, it's gross.

Makes me want to vomit.

You're pathetic.

Hello, ladies.


You look lovely.



I... um... so you want to go first, baby?

You go.




[Coin drops in phone]



Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's good. You know, it's... it's... it's a lot of work, but, uh, I already targeted a couple of clients.

You know, I think it'll be worth it.

Kevin there?

[Deeper voice] Hey, man.

How you doing?

Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, w-what?

Let me guess. The coach didn't say a word, right?

Yeah, that's... that's because he's a douche bag.

Don't tell your mother I said that.

Look, you know what, buddy? You just got... you got to man up, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you just can't take that crap.

Yeah. Okay, buddy. Love you, man. Bye.


Okey-doke. Your turn.

Your turn, baby girl.

I'm going to do it tomorrow.

You sure?


We're here.



♪ Ba ba ba ba ♪

[door opens]


Yo, hello.



I have two more of these out in the van.

Is there a back entrance or something?

Oh, my God, you're here for the Bat Mitzvah.

It was canceled.

Are you kidding me?

Can I use your bathroom?

I've been holding it since Reseda.

Yeah, it's just right down there.

There we go.

1, 2, 3.

[Shutter clicks]


I mean, you see how much happier it is?

So what happened?

Well, somewhere, I don't know, what, last year, she decided... he decided to go all the way.

I mean, it was full tilt.

He changed his name from Raul to Ramona and everything.

Full time. Became legally...

We're not judging, dear. We're not judging.

I am judging. I am judging.

That Maria with... the accountant from Dallas, she walked in on him with the needle in his ass.

She had the nerve to bring hormones to cross-dressing.

Then she...

Can you believe it?

That's crossing a line.

Well, yeah.

Amen, sisters.


No, but then she offered a hormone to Maria.

So she was... she was thrown out?


Well... we don't know that for sure.

All we know is that she hasn't been back.

Either way, good riddance.

Good riddance.

Just saying.

We are cross-dressers, but we're still men.

That's harsh.

Well, yeah.

We are men.


We are men who wear skirts.


Men in skirts.





Come here.

[Ball clatters]

Emotional buttons will do so in both good and bad ways, and with Mercury in retrograde, be careful with any mechanical devices.

Well, you want to hide that curling iron.

You don't want to go home with burns on your ears.

Oh, please.

Ooh. There's Connie.

Hi, Connie.

I like Connie.

Hello, beauties.



Where you been?

My God, have you guys been at the lake?

You have to go. It's like bath water.

It's disgusting.

We don't do lake.

Oh, why? Do you have your period?

You kill me.

I kill myself.

I might if I have to play any more Mahjong.

I lost Jackie to another game.

Come join us.

May I?


Is that all right?

I could never get Shelly to come here. She just wants to go to diet camp.

[Connie laughs]

Oh, God.

Claire would... check me in the loony bin.

Connie: Oh.

Our wives are not like you.

Oh, they're not like me?


No one is like you.

We admire you.

No, believe me, I was not always like this, definitely not.

Did you know that person... that everybody was talking about who's been, I don't know, banned because of hormones or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ramona.

I miss Ramona. What a hoot.


Okay, do you want to hear your horoscope?

What sign are you?


You are a...


Knew it.

Your love life takes a destined turn this year, gemini.



Pleasure and romance become the essentials.


Well, whoever wrote that is obviously very single.


I want that one.

So off Ramona went, never to be heard from again, huh?

This makes me so sad.

Well, that's not what this place is for.

What is this place for?

This place is for expressing your femininity.

Transvestites are not transsexuals.

Never the twain shall meet.

They should be in a different place.

I don't agree.

We agree to disagree.

You made her sad.

It does make me sad. Doesn't it make you sad?

Come to think of it, I am a little bit sad.

And you know...

Do you know what's really good for sadness?

Do you know? I think alcohol.

Well, the pool bar is closed.


Well, wait a minute.

I believe we have some alkyhol in our cabeen.

We do, but the pageant is in an hour.

Well, let's just sit here for an hour and just stare into space.

An hour? We have time for two drinks.

Three drinks.

No, three drinks.

Four drinks.

Four drinks.

Happy hour shall now commene.


Can you tell me something?

How'd you get out of the Bat Mitzvah?

I didn't think I could memorize it all, so I said that I didn't believe in God, and they canceled it.

Are you kidding me? No on does that.

Hmm. I mean, a lot of people would have just done it for the cash.

Really, it's true.

You're a badass.


Never understood how kids get up in front of all those people and sing.

[Singing in hebrew]

No, no. Keep going.

You got a captive audience right here.

[Resumes singing in hebrew]


Oh, my f*cking God, that was brilliant.

I have no idea what you just said, but I feel totally transformed.

Oh, well.

Come on, man.


What's your name?


I'm Cindy.

Cateress: Good luck, kid.

Thanks for the ride, Jules.

Any time.

[Seagulls squawk]

You know, when you're far away from something, you can't tell how big it is.

Not really, sweetie.

I thought your plane was real.

Huh. Yeah, right.

I did.

What's your name?


Can I fly your plane?

No way, Jose. This thing cost me, like, 300 bucks.

Well, that's dumb.

Maybe you're dumb.

Maybe you're too old to play with toys.

Oh, and you're not?

I'm 17.

So can I fly your plane or what?

It cost $308.75, to be exact, so no, you can't fly my plane.

You can grab a beer, though, and watch.

I love beer.


That feels so good.

I think you're all so evolved, and me, too, actually.

I've had to come so far, you know?

I mean, I had a nervous breakdown before Jack had came out to me as a cross-dresser, and I went out... I was in my nightgown, and I was just on the front lawn, and I was screaming.

I mean, just a real... like something out of a movie, you know?

Like a real scene.

Yeah, and the neighbors were just laughing, and they loved it.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Mm.

Jack does really well, and, you know, people get really envious.


I hate to do this, but...


I'm wearing a wet bathing suit, and it's really chafing my ass.

[Laughing] I'm gonna get diaper rash.

I got to air it out. I got to air it out.

Oh, God.

Doesn't it feel good?



Get up here.



This is like caramel.

You are beautiful.

You look like an Italian movie star.


Ah, yes. You are in Roma.

Like, on my balcony, putting up my dirty laundry?

[Laughing] No, like, you know, aristocracy, a Medici.


Come on, my Italian queen.

God, you're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're so beautiful.

Oh, my God.

You guys should get a room.

Oh, yeah, this is a room.

It's my room. It's our room.


Where are you going?

I want to go to the pageant.

Well, then go.

Are you going to go to the pageant?

Yes, I'm going to go to the pageant.

After we have a drink.

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God. What are you, my wife?

[Maura, Connie laughing]

It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous.

I love this.

She is very needy.

[Music stops]

Okay. Let's go. Chop-chop.

What are you doing?

Stop. I'm sick of it.

I need to get ready.

Oh, put it back on.

Come on.

No, it's time to go.

Oh, God, go.

Where's your husband?

Ah, you're such a spoilsport.

Did you miss the part where I said he's playing Mahjong?

Not paying attention to me?

I don't understand.

Oh, oh, really? I'm sorry. Well, you...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Go to the pageant. Go to the pageant.

Do you like my shoes?

I love everything.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, let's go.

You know what? You go ahead.

I'm gonna pick out... will you help me pick out a dress?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, sweetie.


You look beautiful.

Go get 'em.

I just don't want to be alone...

I know.

...because I feel stupid.

[Door opens]


[Tango resumes]

I think he's a little in love with you, don't you?

I don't think so.


Oh, don't say that.

Don't say anything. Don't say anything.

Don't say anything.

Oh, I'm so drunk.


Who are you?

We're just a bunch of bodies.


That's it.

We're just bodies, and some of us have a pen1s.

But, uh...

No pen1s.

No v*g1n*.

No v*g1n*.

What does it matter?

Ali: Faster!




Bye. See you next year.


Thank you.

Hey, it's getting late. You got to change.

No, I want to drive like this.

Are you kidding?

No. Come...

I'll change, okay?

I'll change my clothes before we get to Ventura.


That's ridiculous. It's not safe.

No. No one gives a sh1t. Now...

I give a sh1t.

Hey, Mark, it makes me happy.

I want to be happy for two more hours.

Put your bags in.

For God's sakes, what's wrong with you?

You know, Mark, you're a c**t.

You're a c**t.

You're a c**t.

You are a c**t.

[Engine starts]


[Truck door closes]

Hi. Did we sleep here all night?


Why didn't you try anything?

I don't think you're 17.

You're right. I'm not 17.

I'm 16.

Okay, I'm 15.

I'm really 14.

I'm 13.

♪ Oh, sister, am I not a brother to you? ♪
♪ And one deserving of affection? ♪
♪ And is our purpose not the same on this earth ♪
♪ to love and follow his direction? ♪