02x09 - Man on the Land

♪ Let's go into the forest ♪
♪ And menstruate on a stick ♪
♪ Look, there's a drum circle ♪
♪ Maybe we could join in ♪
♪ Let's go down to the fire pit ♪
♪ Roast some tofu dogs ♪
♪ Maybe some dykes in a tent will have some beer ♪
♪ We're lesbians in the forest ♪
♪ Diddle a woodland fairy ♪
♪ Whittle my woody scary ♪
♪ Nymphs, fairies, witches, not a cock in sight ♪
♪ 'Cause sisters are doing themselves all night ♪
♪ We are lesbians in the forest ♪

Welcome home, ladies.

♪ ♪ [theme]

Do they still have that tampon making workshop?

Ah, yes, they do.

And they suggest arriving early.

Get this, there's a person named Shaman Crying Bear who gives an intention circle.

Hmm, that could be interesting. I've got lots of intentions.

Like what?

Like breathing.

Find some awe, some f*cking awe out here.

Well, Crying Bear is waiting for you next to the spiritual teepee.

We passed a teepee.

Oh, here she goes.

Port-a-potties. That's just port-a-potties.

I thought that was a workshop.

You know what you need, Moppa?

You need a workshop for reading the workshop catalog.

I need that.

Don't tell your mom.

I don't even think we should tell her we came here.

Oh, she's fine.

[singing, chattering]

[women cheering]

♪ Clearing webs from the hovel ♪
♪ A blistered hand on the handle of a shovel ♪
♪ I've been digging too deep I always do ♪
♪ I see my face on the surface ♪
♪ I look a lot like Narcissus ♪
♪ A dark abyss of an emptiness ♪
♪ Standing on the edge of a drowning blue ♪
♪ I look behind my ears for the green ♪
♪ Even my sweat smells clean ♪
♪ Glare off the white hurts my eyes ♪
♪ Gotta get out of bed get a hammer and a nail ♪
♪ Learn how to use my hands ♪
♪ Not just my head I think myself into jail ♪
♪ Now I know a refuge never grows ♪
♪ From a chin in a hand in a thoughtful pose ♪
♪ Gotta tend the earth if you want a rose ♪


♪ My life is part of the global life ♪
♪ I'd found myself becoming more immobile ♪
♪ When I'd think a little girl in the world ♪
♪ Can't do anything ♪

What... I don't really know what I'm eating.

It's nut loaf.

Well, that doesn't really help me.

Is it meat? Is it nuts?

It's cardboard covered with gravy.

I think it's good.

All right, I'm gonna go see the, um...

Crying Ass Shaman Bear. If you guys are good.

No, I'm coming. I want to see Leslie do her poetry thingy.

Oh, I bet you want to see Leslie's thingy.


Are you okay?

You all right? Wanna...

No, I'm just gonna rest.

You sure?

I'm good.




Those are very nice, aren't they?

Yeah, I got this exact same pair last year.

They're owl.

You got these? Owl?

Yeah, you can't go wrong with owl.



Excuse me?

Hi, sorry to disturb you.

How much are for the owl?

All the birds of prey start at 50.

All the birds of prey?


I don't know if these are age appropriate.


You don't look like somebody who lets other people tell her what to do.


Well, I...

What is your name?


Vickie, I'm Maura.

Hey, Maura. How you doing?

I'm good.

You enjoying yourself?

Yes, except for the nutloaf.

Could use a little work.


My goodness.

Yeah, I know.

This festival isn't exactly known for its cuisine.

Oh, but it's great.

It's nice. It's a good place to unplug.

Yeah. What are you unplugging from?

I, uh... I own the Mousetrap in Larchmont.

I know the Mousetrap. You're a cheesemonger.

Yeah, I am.

That's wonderful.

How about you? Is it your first time here?

Um, well, I came with my daughters.

And, yeah. I mean, it's my first time.

It's fabulous.

Mind if I ask you a question?

Are you trans?

I am.

That is awesome.

Thank you.

That is so cool that you don't give a sh1t about this dumb policy.

You know, woman born woman policy.

And all that. It's a bunch of bullshit.

There's a policy?

Well, yeah.

But I believe that transwomen have every right to be here.

I think it's f*cking awesome that you're here.

Excuse me. It was nice meeting you.

You don't need to bolt.


[woman singing]

♪ I'm still suffering true ♪

I simply walked and the apologies kept coming streaming in and I said, I simply walked and the tree turned.

No, the key in the bottom of the sea is flooded with light.

We just get used to it.

The deeper and deeper we go and the harder it is to turn the key, and, eventually, we go, and it is very, very dark.

We just get used to the light.

But the blues and the grays and the feelings of lostness is like home.

It's like family.


Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, hi.

It's so nice to meet you.

It's good to meet you. What's your name?



Thank you so much.


That was absolutely beautiful.

There you go.

Thank you.




That was... that was incredible.

Oh, well, thank you.

It pleases me that you liked it.

It makes me think everybody in the world should be a poet.

Oh, man, you do not want everyone in the world writing poems.

I, uh, I saw Bella walking earlier with her big old parasol.

Yeah, she says there's a lot of skin cancer in that family.

I bet, yeah.

We split up.


I, uh...

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that.

Don't be.

Where's Syd?

Um, actually, we split up.


I just came with my sister and my Moppa.

Having a girl's weekend.

Aw, sh1t.


That really might not have been the brightest idea you ever had.

What do you mean?

This festival was founded for women born women.

And there're folks here, they just don't want trans...

Transwomen around.

Are you serious?


That's crazy, everybody seems so stoned and relaxed.

Yeah, well, you'd be surprised.

There are ladies here, they save up all year long, and they get here and they feel protective and they end up just... they end up spewing hate.

Now I'm sort of feeling I should go an find her.

Well, can I come?


♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ Oh Peggy Gordon ♪
♪ You are my darling ♪
♪ Come down to me ♪
♪ The very reason ♪
♪ Why I am slighted so by thee ♪
♪ I'm so in love ♪
♪ I can't deny ♪


Oh my God.



What the f*ck are you doing here?

I didn't know you were...



I am.


Well, you know Marla McFarland, right?

With the twins in the third grade?


Yeah, we left our husbands for each other.

Seriously? I'm, like, not the only outcast?

That's so cool.



Can I just, like, say something to you and just try to help you out a little bit, maybe?

Uh, okay.

Nobody, nobody cares about what you do.

I mean, I know you think they care, but they don't.

You know, people walking around at our school, they're mostly thinking about car pools and play dates and homework, and...

You know, it's that, that face.


That hurt feelings like poopy face that you're walking around with.

Nobody wants to see that.

Really, like, lose it.

Yeah, okay.

Forgive yourself. Like, it's okay.

Move on, man.

So, wait, where should I tell her to meet?


I have my contraband hot dogs over there.


Are you sure we shouldn't just wait her for her?

No, I mean... I promise you, she's fine.


Come on.

Come in, come in.

We've been waiting for you.

For me specifically?

Yes, come. I must anoint you.

Ah, my dear.

No, no, no.

Oh, sorry.

That's quite all right.


Oh, you are blessed, my child.


My name is Ashley.

Or, as I'm better known, Crying Bear.

Some of you are here for personal reasons.

Lost love, or to mourn your murdered femininity.

Some of you I know from my Drumming Away Racism group.

Can everybody lie down?

We're gonna go on a journey.

You might experience some deep emotions.

Laughter, uncontrollable weeping is not uncommon.

Just release.

Would you like to take your place on the mat so we can begin?


We're going to just unleash some emotions.

The deep emotions.

Yeah, I think... I think I have the wrong tent.

Hello, I'm Sherlock the clown.

And also a magician, by the way.

May I interest you in a magic show?

$30 for an hour, $20 for 15 minutes?

Please help me out.

I already said no.


I already said no.

I already said no.

Hello, can I interest you in a card trick?

No, thank you.

pen1s alert!

What's happening?

Man on the land! Man on the land!

What's going on?

Oh, when the men come and they only come, by the way, to take our sh1t away, we like to say "man on the land" so everyone knows there's a man on the land, so nobody gets triggered, or too excited.

Has there been a problem with the employees?

The problem isn't with the employees.

It's that they're men.

Man on the land! Man on the land!

Man on the land!

What the...

I'm gonna go.

Man on the land! Man on the land!


Excuse me, do you know where Camp Sojourner is?

Excuse me, do you know where Camp Sojourner...



Excuse me.

Did I... I...

Did I just see you walking that woman around on a leash?

Yeah, she's my naughty doggy.

It's a play scene.

Play scene.


You know, consensual power exchange.

Role playing.

You interested?




We are goddamn specks of dust.

Oh, here we go.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Zelda just hates it when I start waxing philosophical.

But tonight it feels so damn good just being a nothingless speck with my chosen family.

Hear, hear, to being specks.

To specks!

To specks!


Oh, man, I never felt totally free until my first summer here walking around buck naked in the woods.

Under a full moon.

That's so true. It's so nice here.

So comfortable. No predators.

Except for these goddamn mosquitoes.


God, it's awful that every woman is just walking around all the time in the real world with this low-grade anxiety of being raped or maimed.

Oh my God, Moppa, hi!

Excuse me.

Oh, hi, I was so worried about you.



I want to go.


I want to go home.

No, what?

I'm going to find Sarah, and we're going to go, okay?

Please, listen.

I'll explain.

I'm really stoned. Really stoned.

And it's so late.


This is really a safe, nice place.

These women are really nice.

I've been here for awhile.

Just sit and have one beer.

Maura, come. Come.

Sit. Come sit.

Hi, Leslie. I'm... I'm not...

Please, just have one beer. Okay?

One beer.

Okay, okay.

Here, have mine. It's open.

I'm gonna get you a chair.

Well, apparently some second-wavers called for an emergency town-hall meeting because the S&M camp got so big this year.


Things get nuts around here.

Oh, the f*cking extremists.

Yeah, well, here's to us extremists.

Here's to the last remaining extremists!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just don't be starting any sh1t, Sandy, because Ali and Maura had no idea about the festival policy.

Hey, Leslie?

What is the festival policy?

It's very simple.

Women born women.

I don't mean to be rude, but what does that mean?

I mean, when you say women born women?

It means people who were born with a v*g1n* and a uterus.

First of all, does that mean if you have a hysterectomy, you're not a woman?

Bingo, here we go with the hysterectomy.

Come on, she brought up uteruses!

I'm just saying having a uterus doesn't grant you entry into this place.

Look, I drove the plow. I cleared these woods and we did it with one thing in mind: that we women could have one God damn safe space in the world.

No one's trying to take your woods away from you.

I just feel that I have a right to be here, too, as a transgender woman.

I think that this is more about, like, the nudity and the showers.

This is about nudity?

A lot of people here are triggered by penises.


Penises are triggering to many women.


Because we've all been raped.


Well, no.

I was raped.

I didn't rape you.

It's true. She stopped raping long ago.

See, this is where it gets really weird, because, you know, suddenly the conversation is all around you, and all of us are trying to make you comfortable.

You're trying to make me comfortable?

Yeah, we're...

Right now, you're trying to make me comfortable?

We're trying to explain it to you.

And I don't give a sh1t about your goddamn pen1s.

It's about the privilege.

What privilege are you talking about?

I was in way too much pain to experience what you're calling privilege.

Your pain and your privilege are separate.

And Berkeley was a great example of that.

Right, even though... even though you were suffering privately, which of course you were, you were still compensated as a man, and you owned the house. You had your name on the house.

I mean, Mom was the one that had to leave.

It's not unreasonable.

That was this is about? The house? And Mom?


I'm going. I have to go.

No, it's not about Mom and the house.

I'm going.


This is bullshit.

Oh, here goes the privilege bullshit.

You gonna stay here with your uterus, or are you coming with me?

Ali's a big girl.


Finger wagging.


I remember that.

I'm sorry.





Sarah, honey? I have to go.



Oh, yeah. Oh!



Hey, do you need some help?

Uh, no I'm fine.

Can I help you with this? Is this not opening?

No, I'm fine. Go away.

Man on the land! Man on the land!

Man on the land! Man on the land!


[bell ringing]



[shouting, clamoring]

♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
♪ And I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪


♪ Haven't had a dream in a long time ♪
♪ Haven't been able to sleep ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪

This woman is leaving this feminist fuckhole.

Thank you for your kindness and f*ck you.

♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
♪ And I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ Haven't had a dream in a long time ♪
♪ Haven't been able to sleep ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
♪ And I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪



It's Vickie. Get in.

♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ Waiting ♪
♪ Waiting ♪