03x04 - Just the Facts


Oh, my God.

That's remarkable.

And wh... where does my chin go?

Okay, we're gonna do a little trimming on the jaw line there.

Okay. You like that?


And then we do a little liposuction around the neck.

That's fantastic.

It's cool, huh?


I'd like to donate my excess skin to research.


Wow. So I will look like that?

Yes, you will.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

So, okay. We move forward and, uh, I just need a note from your therapist.

Well, I'm not in therapy. Not right now.

Not at present.

I... I was told by my physician that I didn't need a note... for this.

That's true for the, uh... for the hormones.

But for the surgery, we still require a letter from someone who has a PhD in psychology just to make sure you meet the requirements for the procedure.

I have to ask another person for permission?

Yeah, it, uh, just covers us for malpractice.

And, uh, my... my v*g1n*? Is that...


My vaginoplasty...


That's yet another procedure?

That's exactly right. That's a whole separate procedure.

If at all possible, I prefer not to be anesthetized more than necessary.

Do I really need to go under, uh, yet again?

It's a major surgery, and there is significant recovery time on that.

Plus, we need to have a specialist onboard.



Yeah. It's exciting.

It is exciting.

Can I have, um...

Can I have a printout of that?


Sarah: Anything, honey?

Zacky: No.

Sarah: Honey, you have to relax.

Zacky: I can't! It hurts.

Well, but that's 'cause you're not relaxing.

You have to relax and you have to push at the same time.

How do I do that? (GROANING)

Is anything coming out?



You have to bear down, and let go at the same time.

It's too big.

Okay. All right.

I'm coming in there.




What's up?

Not much.

Coffee mugs in there.

Whatcha lookin' for?



Mm. Oh.

She likes an ice cube in hers.

Um, she still in bed?

Last I checked.


Chasin' me?


You got a girlfriend?


Well, that's a shame. You are a considerate dude.

Thank you very much.

Morning, Gator.

Hi, Yoshi.


Thank you.

What ya readin'?

For school. What are you doing today?

Um, let's put in the tomatoes and the basil.

Yes, that's what I wanted to hear.

Let's do that sh1t.

So, um, I'm taking off.

What? No. What? No, no, no, please.

No, no, no, no, no. Please stay.

Five more minutes. Five more minutes.


Come snuggle.

Please come back to bed.

See ya.

Come to bed.

(WHISPERS) I did not know that your brother was at home.

He's always at home these days.

I'm sorry.

I'm bare assed under here.

I'm sorry. Did he scare you off?

It was a little awkward.


Woman: Climb that hill, mama.

You got it. Four.

Three. Two. Back in the saddle.

Now give it all you've got.

Dig into that part of you that yearns to feel powerful, beautiful and free.

Touch that inner light and let it shine bright.

Now say it. Shine bright.

All: Shine bright!

Shine bright!

All: Shine bright!


All: Brighter!





Bye, Una.


Such a great class.

Thanks for coming.


Yes, fantastic. Shining bright.



Hey, I wanted to introduce myself to you, actually.

I'm, um... I'm Sarah Pfefferman.

I'm Len's ex wife, and, uh, I, of course, live with him now.

I... I'm a huge fan. I'm just a huge fan of yours.

Seriously. You make him so happy, and that's really important, you know, to the... our whole configuration.

So, I just...

Wow, that is really cool of you.

Len told me how cool you were, but, wow.

He did?

Yeah. Thank you.

You guys are such an inspiration.


Can I ask you something?

I'm sorry. I... I know you're just...

Like, what is the attraction? You know?

I mean, I get why he wants you, but that? Like, Len?

I mean, he's, like, 43, and you're, like, 20... I don't know, 8?




I just... I like dating older guys.

(CHUCKLES) It's like a daddy thing?

It's kind of like a Len thing.

He's just... He's so present and attentive, and I just feel safe with him.

He's so great.

It was so great to meet you.

You, too.

I can't wait to tell him.


I'll see you soon.

I hope you come back.

Of course.


Can't you ditch work?

No, I've got a faculty lunch.

It's gonna suck.

Wait. Uh, I want to tell you something before you go.


I think I cheated.

Oh, Sprout, you know that...

You know you have the freedom to do whatever.

It was with Aubree.

T.A. Aubree?

We were just...

We were in the office and then just having a back and forth, and it was normal and weird, but normal, and then, you know, then my hand was in her pants.

You were talking and your hand wound up in her twat.

More or less, yes, and... and if you'd been there, then you would agree that it would have been very rude for me to take it out before she orgasmed.

Which was really fast. It was like weirdly fast, like premature ejaculation fast, it was...


Are you jealous?

(CHUCKLES) Um, I'm mainly disappointed that you gave someone a co-dependent orgasm.


I want you to be jealous.

I know that we have our thing, and I totally appreciate your rejection of... of traditional romantic relationships from a socio-political standpoint, and I... and I agree, and, um... but I just...

I really, really like you.

A lot, and I don't like having to pretend, and I don't want to, and I just... I...

I'm not comfortable with it, I realize, and if that's what you need, then I don't... know what to say.


I... I didn't know that you... you felt so...

I do. I feel so, um...

I was thinking, like, maybe we could do something a little different today.

Yeah. What's that? Something new?

Like a whole new... scenario.

Like, I play your part, you play my part.

You want to top me?


Sarah Pfefferman.

I didn't know you were a switch.

Just thought it might be fun.

Sure. We'll have to do a quick contract.

Verbal is okay.

You should know I have hard limits.

What's your safe word?


Can I use the thing in the bathroom with the big horns?

You're the one who's paying.

Lie down, bitch.

Ha! Just kidding.

Totally kidding.

I'll be right back.

First John 4:19 says that we love because he loved us first.

Now, as babies, we're born into this world that's filled with bitterness and hatred and sin.

And in our first breath, we're given love.

No matter what we do, or how far we stray, the Lord loves us.


Think about that for a second.

He really loves the Lord.

Because of the heavenly father...

I've been trying to download this for a whole week.

It's on your desk top, so you can watch it whenever you want.

(SIGHS) I just...

I just really miss him.

Um, I miss him, too. I do.


So, I have something to show you.


Okay. All right.

I don't know if you noticed how clean the place is.

Yeah. No, it looks great in here.

Yeah, well, I just started some new medication.

At first, I couldn't sleep at all.

Then I got a whole lot of cleaning done, more in one day than I ever did in ten years.

I think I got rid of all of my anger at the Bush administration.

That thing?


You still got that thing.

Oh, my God.

So have a seat.


I was mucking out, and I found this little gem.


♪ We can make it in another world ♪

You wrote that for me. You remember?

♪ And time is not a number on a wall ♪
♪ And the wall doesn't keep what is yours from mine ♪
♪ We can make it in another wo... ♪


That is...

That's insane.

We made a beautiful boy.


Um, I know stuff didn't work out the way you probably wanted.

And I have been thinking about this a lot.

And, um, you were... you were young, too.

But I did want to say that I... I forgive you.

Thank you.

I mean it.


You don't want that?

It's yours.

Take it.

I don't need it anymore.

Well, well, well.

What do we got here?

I woke up like this. I don't know what happened.

Can you... Can you help me?

Go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead.

Can you help me?

You need help?

You know, I'm sorry, just... I can't...

It's like I've gotten totally in my head.

Can we just... Can I just be me and you be you?

Yes, ma'am.

Please don't call me ma'am. I hate ma'am.

Can you do boss?

Yes, boss.

Yeah, I like boss.

Did you hear that?

Did you?

Yes, boss.

Next one's gonna hit you.

Where do you think it's gonna hit?

Huh? Where do you think?

Where do you think? You think it might be your ass?

Maybe I'll hit your face.

Would that be good?

Maybe your c**t.

Would that be good?


Oh, does that hurt?

Shut up, you stupid, f*cking twat!

You know what I should do?

I should beat the sh1t out of you. That's what I should do.

I should f*cking cut off your f*cking head!


And piss down your throat...


You ugly, f*cking c**t!



I can't believe you're playing hooky for me.

It's so sexy.


I can't quite believe I'm doing it, either, but it is so worth it.

(SIGHS) Oof. Ow, my pussy hurts.



You really needed it, huh?

Yeah, but I think it was just a little too hard.

Oh. Okay.

Well, you could have said something.

Oh, well, I... I just did.

In the moment.

Well, you had your whole daddy thing going on.

You were so focused.

It would have been rude.

(SIGHS) Permission to speak frankly?


I have noticed this thing about you.

That sh1t with Aubree and how it works with us.

Your body from the neck down is zonked.



No, it's not.

There's a disconnect happening.

You go to the Caribbean or somewhere.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes I go to... a dreamy place. It's relaxing.

It's like when you get in your car, you know, and you start driving and you just let your mind wander, and then you end up on La Brea, and you don't even know how you got there.

Okay, well, one person's dream space is another person's disassociating.

What? Oh, come on.

Come on, are you gonna pull out the DSM now, and f*cking diagnose me?

What are you gonna do now, critique my orgasm?

Okay, well, you get kinda high pitched, and I... I feel like you could ride it better if you stayed in your base.

Excuse me?

(LAUGHS) It was a joke.

Come however you want, baby, you are my songbird.

This is weird. I don't want to do a post game on our f*cking.

I don't like it.

Why not?

It is supposed to be a collective experience.

There is a difference between f*cking and making love.

Eww. Don't say that.

I... Can we talk about it later?

I have to... I just... this girl... is an idiot and I have to grade her paper.

Yeah, so he'll hold it for, you know, a week.

It's longer than that, actually.

Yeah, it's been over a week and...

I mean, he completely resists every time.

And then, you know, afterwards, he'll just crap his brains out, which, I'm sure, is a psychological thing.

'cause no kid likes to poop.

Yeah, obviously it's a psychological thing.

Have you talked to Zack's pediatrician?

We have a kit that we brought, um, to sort of help with the process.

It's got, um... We put it in his cubby.

Yeah, I mean...

If you could help...

There's, like, a box...

'Cause if you... There's gonna be wet wipes, uh, there's a thumb drive with a play list of songs that are relaxing.

It's got a little footstool.

Squatty Potty, to elevate...

So, yeah, that he can squat.

And then he can just eliminate. It's better for you.

Miss Downey, if you could just sort of go in there with the kit, and like, you know, hang out, set up, and kind of just...

You know, sort of normalize the ritual.

Typically, we don't accompany students to the restroom.

But if when you do, you can't make a big deal out of it, though. because that's just gonna tense him right back up.

Like, you just have to be, like, you know, we're here, we're hangin' out, if something happens, something happens.

Just an idea. Could it be that with your re-imagined family structure, that Zack might be feeling a little bit powerless.

He's fine with it.

Of course.

What the f*ck!

Are we why Zacky's not pooping.

No. No way.

We're great co-parents.

This works.

I'm gonna go to Gelson's and pick up the prunes and the Chia seeds, and can you come get the Squatty Potty after school?

It's my off night.

What, you have plans?


With Una?

Yeah, but it's been on the calendar...

What? That's totally fine.

And I got you all next week.

I didn't say anything.

I'm all next week.

I've got you.


Are they tearing down the gym?

I think they found some asbestos or something.

Nothin' Maj.

I'm gonna take off.

All right. See ya later.

Davina: Look at that.

Isn't that beautiful?

Maura, that's amazing.

Thank you. I'm very happy with it.

But this, this is just... just shaving.

And this is...

Do you know what's great?

It looks like you.

That's what's great.

I really love it.

May I?

Oh, see. Now that's what I'm talking about, right?

The contouring.


You are gonna be so fish.


Dr. Benoit says I have to get yet another note...


From a psychologist I don't... I don't have a psychologist.

That is the least Jewish thing you've ever said.

Okay. Look. You have to know this.

To get the note, you have to follow a script.


I hate my pen1s.

I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

You know, I'm not gonna be happy unless I get tits.

Okay. Yeah.

Like that.

Okay. All right.

Vicki, have you seen this?

Oh, I've seen it. I... I can draw it from memory.

Have you seen this before?

I don't think the waiter's seen it, though.


I've been over zealous.

No, but that made... that makes perfect sense.

Because it's important.

And it's a big deal.

I know it's a big deal.

I'm still negotiating this.

Sal: Okay, here we go. It's show time.


♪ You take the good, you take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life, the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you gotta go and show you're growin' ♪
♪ Now you know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪

Uh, Sarah. Hi.

Hey. In here.

Is this it?



Oh, my God, you're here.

Wow. Hey.


Who's this little peanut?

Uh, this is my daughter Idit.

Hey, Edeeth. Nice to meet you.



Idith. Edith. Edith? Idit.

Sure, sure.


Tough one.

Okay, so here... here's my idea.

So remember we were having that whole conversation about how I needed, you know, my own space, my own way into my spiritual whatever, and... and I...


I really feel like this is the space.

I was referring to the space inside yourself.

What? That's what you were... meant?


I thought... Oh, my God.

It is a beautiful gym.

A beautiful gym, though.


Uh, but I... I actually don't know about the idea.

I'm so sorry. Tell us.

All right, okay, okay, okay.

I... this... What I was imagining was, um, like a Tacos Con Torah night.

Picture it in your head, you... you come in, and there's, like, you know, votives in paper bags lining the steps.

You move over here, you're awash in golden votive light.

And there's inflatable bean bags all around in a circle, and... and we got, like, the taco guy over there.

And then right in the center, we have the... the Torah box right here.

It's the ark.

The ark!

That's right. That's right.

I was gonna ask you, do you have, like, travel arks, like, mobile arks? We'll have, like, a travel ark in the middle of all the hipster Jews.

You know, music and food and...



And I talked to the school already, and they said we can have the space as long as we get, like, asbestos waivers.

You t... okay. (CHUCKLES)

I mean.

Oh, my God, Raquel.


This is...


Raquel had this idea in school for a temple without walls.

Wait a second.



This is her idea.

You had this idea.

I had so many big stupid ideas in seminary.

It's not a stupid idea.

This is...

It's a great idea, it's a stupid name.

But it's a great idea.

It's a stupid name.


Hold on, let me find my hellcat.



What is that? That's so cute.

It means "here I am" in Biblical Hebrew.

I love Hebrew.

It's so great.

Hineni... Hin... Here I am.

Yeah, she's...

Here I... Hineni.

Hineni. Here I am.


That's the name of it.

The name of it.

That's the name. That's the name of the event.

(STAMMERS) Or the... the ceremony.

Hineni. Here I am.

Oh, my goodness.

Here I am. That's what we'll call this.

Here I am. Hineni.


You make fun of me.

You call me kid.

And that makes me feel rotten.


Well, we're sorry if we made you feel bad.


Well, that doesn't matter.

You did. You know?

Come here.

So, do you actually hate your pen1s?

Actor 1: But at least I got my foot in the door.


Actor 1: But you guys keep slammin' it on me.


Actor 2: Some best friend I am.

Do you hate my pen1s?

Of course not.

I'm happy to work with whatever you've got.

Actor 3: We gotta tell Mrs. G. that it's our fault.


Actor 3: If Tootie gets expelled, we should all get expelled.


Actor 4: Now, doesn't that seem a little...

You gonna be okay?



Let's promise to be there for each other.

No matter what.


All: Promise.