03x08 - If I Were a Bell

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm comin' down ♪
♪ With a bad case of you ♪
♪ Please help me, darlin' ♪

You know what?

Oh, crazy.

And then he... yesterday?

Yeah?

He takes me on a hike.

Where, like in the woods?

Yeah.

Oh, no. Nuh-uh.

Why would anyone choose to go hiking in the woods?

Uch, there's rapists out there, and worse... no, no, no, no, worse, coyotes and I don't know, bear sh*t.

Well, it was his idea.

You know, he's always coming up with these little adventures.

I mean, it's so cute.

Yeah, yeah. He'd better be cute if he's going to steal you away from me.

Oh, (SCOFF). Oh. Oh, here he is.

I can't wait. You're going to love him.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Morton Pfefferman, Shelly Lipkin.

Mort.

Shelly.

Wow. Here I was beginning to think you were entirely imaginary.

(CHUCKLE)

Yeah.

Well, here I am.

That's a... That's a hell of a dress, Deb.

Oh, Shelly picked it out. She's got a good eye.

Yeah?

I do.

I do have a great left eye.

Really strong left eye.

It's good.

♪♪ (MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

(CHATTER)

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

♪ They tell me ♪
♪ I'm comin' down ♪
♪ With a bad case of you ♪
♪ Please help me, darlin' ♪
♪ Say you love me, too ♪

♪ They tell me ♪
♪ I'm comin' down ♪
♪ With a bad case of you ♪
♪ Please help me, darlin' ♪
♪ Say you love me, too ♪

(BASEBALL BAT HITS BALL)

(FAINT BASEBALL GAME NOISES)

Man: Wake up, Mort!

Young man, wake up!

Mort, get the ball!

(APPLAUSE)

What are you doing? Get up!

Right there next to you, the ball!

Get the ball! Mort! What is wrong with you?

Announcer: That's another run for Pasadena!

Get in here! Hit the bench, Mort!

Way to go!

I can't believe that faigele is my grandson.

Man: How are we doing?

You were fast asleep out there.

Sit down!

Hit another one.

Woman: Come on now.

Jerry.

Jerry, get your mitt! You're in.

Man: All right, Jerry, let's get some runs out there!

All right now. Okay, okay!

Look alive! Look alive!

Woman: What's going on today?

Home.

All right, all right!

Don't look at Bryna. Your sister can't help you.

Hey, Jerry, you all right there?

Try second. Second!

(VOICES ON TV)

Hey, your mother is going to be back from work soon.

You'd better have your homework done, you know.

(DOOR CLOSES)

For a little respect around here.

A nice warm meal...

♪ Don't start collecting things ♪
♪ Give me my rose and my glove ♪
♪ Sweetheart ♪
♪ They're suspecting things ♪
♪ People will say we're in love ♪

Wonderful, Shelly. Wonderful.

Uh, brass section instruments, please.

Hold on.

You're very natural.

There's still room for improvement, though.

Why don't you come by after school?

We'll work on it.

Good.

Okay, brass section.

Somebody likes you.

Have we been practicing?

(BELL RINGS)

Okay, Shelly, see you at rehearsal for the play.

It took you long enough.

What were you doing?

I never even heard you singing.

Did you sing?

If you did, what did you sing?

Woman: We've tried everything.

We've brought her to the rabbi.

We've seen a psychologist.

I made cheese omelets, her favorite since I can remember.

Nothing. She was fine, then all of a sudden she...

She quit the play, and she stopped eating.

Why won't you eat?

(SIGH) It's been weeks at this.

Shelly, I want to help you, so I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and you can just answer yes or no. How about that?

Are you having trouble falling asleep at night?

Are there nightmares you want to tell me about?

Have you ever taken reefer or any other dr*gs?

Are you afraid you're going to be a disappointment or that you might let your family down?

God damn it, Shelly, answer the doctor.

Well, I'm going to give her a Miltown prescription.

Mother: What for?

Anxiety.

Eventually, she's going to get hungry enough, and she'll eat.

Do you know how lucky you are to have what you do after what we've been through?

We came here to get away from starving.

And to choose not to eat?

It's not the Holocaust.

Do you want a barren womb?

♪♪ (BELLS)

Joni James: ♪ Ask me how do I feel ♪
♪ Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging ♪
♪ Well, sir, all I can say ♪
♪ Is if I were a bell, I'd be ringing ♪
♪ From the moment we kissed tonight ♪
♪ That's the way I've just got to behave ♪
♪ Boy, if I were a... ♪

Rose.

You hear that?

Yes, I do.

So where are you going?

Inside. I'm exhausted. I'm gonna lie down.

You know what he's doing down there.

So what? Can't anyone be happy?

It brings down God's judgment.

Go talk some sense into that boy before it's too late.

If you don't, I will.

♪ And if I were a watch ♪
♪ I'd start popping my spring ♪
♪ Or if I were a bell ♪

♪ I'd go ding-dong ding-dong ding ♪
♪ Ask me how do I feel ♪
♪ From this chemistry lesson I'm learning ♪
♪ Well, sir, all I can say ♪
♪ Is if I were a bridge, I'd be burning ♪
♪ Yes, I knew my morale would cr*ck ♪

Morty, we talked about this.

Huh?

Get dressed.

You have to get upstairs before your zayde comes home.

Listen to me. He can never ever know about this.

Understand? Understand?

You're a very pretty dancer.

Your tante Gittel gave me this ring.

Is Gittel Gershon's wife?

Get dressed.

Quickly.

(CHATTER ON TV)

Man: You ready?

Woman: Yes.

Have you lived in the South? You have...

Yes, I have.

Well, I thought there was a little Southern dialect leaking through.

I assume this is rigged, right?

Without question.

What do you want if you're Queen For a Day, Carol?

Education aid and a collie dog for my older son.

Yeah? Your older son? Well, now...

Where are you going?

Out.

Where?

Where?

Good night.

Where?

Sneaking in, sneaking out.

Never home.

Where is she going anyway?

To Tom's or Joe's or Saul's.

She's gone all the time.

Expects us to fix her meshuggeneh kid.

You like the meat loaf? I made it with... cornflakes.

It's as filling as meat, though, right?

Mm-hmm. It's good.

I never should have left you.

Ha. You came back.

You were the better woman.

Yeah, yeah. She left you.

Bryna.

Yeah?

Do you think I'm weird?

No.

Man on radio: There is no doubt...

And I thought of everything.

We got, um, candlesticks, matches, cartons of cigarettes.

Oh, that's wonderful. I... I worried about what I was going to do in the apocalypse.

Uh-huh. Well, earthly pleasures will keep us sane, Yetta.

Will we have chocolate?

Chocolate? We got what, 60 bars of chocolate.

And we've got nine jars of pickles, uh, three dozen cans of tuna.

Your zayde thought of everything.

Don't you worry.

It'll all be taken care of.

If we each eat one bar of chocolate a week, then we'll have enough chocolate to last us 12 weeks.

That's right. That's right.

Look at this kid. he's a real Einstein.

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

12 weeks down there. The thought makes me cuckoo.

Oh, but we'll all be together.

And we're all going to be safe.

(SIGH)

What a guy.

I'm still your father.

Bryna: Zayde.

Hmm?

I want to try a math problem.

I want to do one.

Okay. Okay, okay, Bryna.

How many cans of soup do we need for six months... if we all share two cans a day?

Um, how many months?

Does Mom have a bunker at work?

I'm not sure.

Hey!

If she doesn't, won't she get nuclear exploded on?

No. She gets under her desk. That's second best.

Sure, sure, but if you... if you see a bunker, you run there.

You don't want your eyeballs melting straight out of their sockets.

Can eyeballs really melt?

I don't want Mom's eyeballs to melt.

That's not going to happen.

If anything, you know, she'll turn into a three-headed monster.

What if Mom doesn't make it to the bunker in time?

Sweetie, eventually, we will all be together in Olam HaBa'a.

Not to worry.

Heaven sounds like more fun.

The kids at school said...

Zayde: Yeah?

That the roads are paved with gold and you can walk on marshmallow clouds.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah? Convert.

Go eat a Waldorf salad. Go to goyische heaven.

(ZAYDE LAUGHS)

♪♪ (EASY LISTENING)

Sarah Vaughn: ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Make yourself comfortable ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Make yourself comfortable ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Make yourself comfortable, baby ♪
♪ I've got some records here to put you in the mood ♪
♪ The phone is off the hook, so no one can intrude ♪
♪ Did you lock the door? Ooh ♪
♪ I feel romantic ♪

♪ And the record changes a*t*matic, baby ♪
♪ Sweetheart ♪
♪ We've hurried through our dinner ♪
♪ Hurried through the dance ♪

(CIVIL DEFENSE SIREN)

Yetta!

Yetta!

Rose?

Get up, get up.

In the bunker. Let's go.

It's just a drill.

You don't know that. Get up. Come on.

Okay, everybody.

Yetta, Yetta, come on. In the bunker now.

We don't need everything.

Let's go. We're not fleeing Egypt.

Where is Mort?

Out you go, out you go.

Move it, move it, move it, move it.

Where is he?

He's here?

(SIREN BLARES)

What is he...

Stop it!

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Get in there. Turn around.

Get in. Go. Keep going.

Go. Keep going.

Shh.

Why are you wearing Mom's nightie?

Yetta: I'm going.

Zayde: Keep going.

I'm going.

I want you to hurry up.

Go, go. You know what you're...

You don't hear the siren? Stand up.

Zayde: Why are you blocking the ladder?

Hurry up. You want...

Zayde: Keep going.

Oh, Mort.

Okay. Come on.

Can't get his pants up.

Why are you blocking the ladder?

Nobody's blocking.

Rose: Come on. Pull your pants up.

Turn it. Turn it.

You need help?

There we go.

What the f*ck is wrong with you, Mort?

Mom said it was okay.

Shh.

What, you let your little faigele wear a dress?

Stop yelling, okay? It's not her fault.

Oh, for God's sake. I don't let him go to school like this.

He's down here. He's playing. It's nothing.

Oh, he's playing? What kind... What is he playing at?

What is this? He needs to see a doctor.

And this... Is this... Hey, is this yours, too?

What the hell is all this, huh?

What is this?

Yetta: All right.

This necklace.

I... I bought you these pearls.

I know. give it to me. Enough with the yelling.

You want to get thrown in the loony bin?

All the Boymelgreen men, they want to be women.

This... This family is cursed is what.

It's not a curse on our family. This is our family.

Family? Oh, family?

You don't know anything about being in a family.

You're gone all night. You sleep all day.

This is my house. It's my rules.

You don't pay for sh*t, my child.

You do nothing, you get to say nothing.

This... This is all your fault.

You want him to end up like Gershon?

Yetta: Haim!

Do you?

Haim!

Morty, come here.

Come to me. Look at me.

Ow!

Come here. It's okay. Sweetheart, come here.

Help me.

Leave him alone.

Leave the boy alone.

Mom!

Come here. You want to know what happened to your uncle Gershon?

Do you?

Haim! Stop that.

You're being a schmuck! Stop that!

He b*rned to death in the oven.

Oh, you...

You want to know why?

Because your mother and your grandmother let him run around in a skirt!

He only does it when he's alone.

It's just it makes him happy. It's nothing.

(MORT CRYING)

Is Gershon happy?

You make him stop this, or you get out of my house!

It's the sirens, you know. They make him crazy.

They make him crazy.

Watch your head.

You do what your zayde says, okay?

(SNIFFLING) I will. I promise.

Don't listen to him. Please don't leave.

Okay. You put your clothes on now, okay?

Go get dressed.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Mom?

Boy: Tommy, throw it!

Okay, let's go!

(CHATTER)

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Mary right over!

(SHOUTING)

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Diane right over!

(SCREAMING)

Stop!

Let's play it again.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's play again.

Come on, let's play it again. Yay!

Hey, wait. I didn't get my chance to cross over.

The boys are over there.

Red Rover is for girls only.

(GIRLS LAUGH)

Bryna?

You're a boy, Mort, no matter how many of Mom's dresses you wear.

(GIGGLING)

Aah!

(PANTING)

(BELL RINGS)

(CHATTER)

Ow!

What happened?

Are you okay?

Bryna, are you okay?

(BRYAN CRYING)

Go get help!

♪♪ (ROCK GUITAR)

Velvet Underground and Nico: ♪ There she goes again ♪
♪ She's out on the streets again ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ She's down on her knees, my friend ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ But you know ♪
♪ She'll never ask you please again ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Now take a look ♪
♪ There's no tears in her eyes ♪
♪ She won't take it from just any guy ♪
♪ What can you do? ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ You see her walkin' on down the street ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Lookin' at all your friends ♪
♪ That she's gonna meet ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ You better hit her ♪

Thank you, hon, for believing in me.

I never would have done any of this without you.

Oh, well, it's all wonderful, my dear.

What's your favorite one?

Oh, it's rare for me to be inspired by an individual piece, but I...

I absolutely love the frames.

(SPUTTER) Ridiculous.

Go, go. Receiveth your people.

Should I say something?

Uh, okay.

Uh, I have a few words for everyone.

Hi. Hi. Thank you guys for coming.

Um, I'm just gonna say a few things.

Um, having an opening like this has always been a dream of mine, and it's wonderful to have so many loved ones witness its birth.

So thank you.

Uh, I think my journey all started when I was a kid with crayons, right?

I just remember sitting, watching TV, and my mom gave me crayons because I could never focus on the TV, and I remember I couldn't stop.

And I would play with crayons.

But the way my mom and my daddy would talk about it, it's like that was me kind of finding what I needed to do.

And I got older.

I remember doing ceramics and pottery, and it was a school thing, and it was good.

It was good, but it...

What are you doing?

But it wasn't it.

Follow me.

But wait for 180 seconds.

My voice. Acrylic is really my media now.

Um, and it was a journey to get there.

And when you look at each piece...

1... it's not just one...

2, 3...

I think when you put a collection together, 4, 5, 6... it really is a meditation.

(SHELLY GIGGLING)

(APPLAUSE)

That ring should be on your finger.

What? No. No, no, no.

I want a pretty ring, Morton, not that facacteh thing.

I don't...

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Hmm. I just...

I just need some time.

I just need some time to figure some stuff out.

Okay.

But until then... can you keep a secret?

Can you?

♪♪ (ROCK GUITAR)

♪ There she goes again ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ She's knocked out on her feet again ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ She's down on her knees, my friend ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ But you know ♪
♪ She'll never ask you please again ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Now take a look ♪
♪ There's no tears in her eyes ♪
♪ Like a bird, you know she will fly ♪
♪ What can you do? ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ You see her walkin' on down the street ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ Look at all your friends ♪
♪ That you're gonna meet ♪
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ You better hit her ♪