Previously on "The Magicians"...
You know, it should have worked.
The spell we did to contact my brother.
I mean, I went over it, like, a million times.
Wait, you don't want to try it again, do you?
No! No! No!
I bind you!
I bind you!
[speaking foreign language]
Why did you think that you had to save me?
He was gonna kill you.
I'm done here, for good. You should be happy.
When are you gonna tell me what all this is for?
Bigger, better magic.
Let's go steal their sh1t.
He's not gonna wake up ever.
Marina is a psycho.
You think Brakebills cut you off from magic?
You don't know cut off.
But you can actually move between worlds.
If the gift does not kill you first.
Please, help me. [gasps]
I have a full schedule today, Quentin.
Uh, I just, um...
What's gonna happen to Julia?
Your hedge witch friend.
I'm going to kill her.
I'm f*cking with you, Quentin.
I'm not going to do anything to her.
I thought you would erase her memory or something... again.
Sure, then her buddies tell her about magic all over again.
Then she bothers me again.
So she's just gonna get away with it?
I'm not the magic police, Quentin.
They won't be back here.
They know what'll rain down on them if they do.
What they do out there, it's not my business; it's not yours. Do you understand?
Don't you worry, Hedge witches tend to crash and burn quite quickly all on their own.
I want the spells I'm missing so I can keep going.
I want the new ones she stole because I helped her.
You're not coming inside.
Then bring 'em out.
They're locked in her filing cabinet, and even if I could, I wouldn't.
I don't want to see you get hurt, and Marina will hurt you.
She only helped you get out of Brakebills jail to save herself.
Next time, you will not be so lucky.
[laughs] That's bullshit.
I earned that magic just as much as her.
It was my friend that she used...
Look, Marina's the boss. Life ain't fair.
Woe is you. Now, please, leave before she sees you here.
Think of it as applying for an internship, and for outgoing students, perhaps even a job.
Alumni come and choose students to mentor.
I can understand why you've been staying here, Alice.
I know you feel that you've had to leave, but I'd really like you to come back.
This is just one small corner of the world.
There's a lot more out there to see, and I'd like you to see it.
[scoffs] I don't much like the corners that I've already seen.
Alice, students leave every year, and I don't go searching for every lost lamb.
You didn't invite me.
I had to sneak in just to take the entrance exam.
I made a mistake.
I felt responsible for what happened to your brother, and I didn't want to cause your family another loss.
Alice, I was wrong.
You are far too gifted not to be with us.
Just come back for a week, and if you don't like it, then, please, by all means, be a farmhand.
This year, we're going to win the alumni week Hunger Games.
My mentor last year was a nun. Never again.
I specialize in feet.
Broken bones, warts... I have some very interesting stuff for fungi of the toenail.
99% of these mentors lead to a lifetime of soporific bourgeois magic hell.
I'm going to get a drink.
Is Genji your aunt?
Oh, hey, Alice.
Is that Genji?
Do you guys know her?
Everyone does. She runs a retreat.
It's like Camp David for magicians.
If Camp David was run by Caligula.
I mean that in the best way.
I feel really terrible about, um...
I just thought... I wouldn't be standing here talking to me if I were you.
I shouldn't blame you.
The truth is, my brother died five years ago.
I should go help her.
Can anybody hear me? Anybody? Anybody?
I'm your mentor.
Yeah, I didn't ask for a mentor.
I don't give a sh1t.
You are what you are, so I'm here.
What, a Pisces?
Travelers are rare.
Hadn't been one at Brakebills in 35 years, I guess.
There's no discipline that has more power and possibility.
I get it. It's an amazing gift.
It's a terrible, life-destroying burden.
I zapped myself onto Mount Everest.
Lost my leg to frostbite.
I'd be dead if not for one deeply confused Sherpa.
Had the lecture yet on sticking with astral projection?
I don't watch "Star Trek."
Travelers' training wheels.
Your body stays here; your mind travels.
It's like being a ghost.
Meditating won't stop you from having a wet dream and waking up in the Marianas Trench.
It works by binding your body to Earth.
Astral projection only.
Won't make the voices go away, but it might keep you alive.
How could you know about all this and become a podiatrist?
This isn't Middle Earth, Quentin.
There aren't enough noble quests to go around.
Impress a good mentor, and you won't have to worry.
How am I supposed to impress anyone?
Mm, when you're not impressive?
Glad you asked.
It's a game designed a billion years ago to keep students from killing each other in duels.
It's like chess.
Kind of. Not really.
You use magic to take squares. It's terrible.
I don't know. That sounds kind of fun.
It's boring as death.
There's gonna be a tournament.
It's supposed to be a surprise, but I like ruining things.
Each discipline fields a team, and the mentors will be watching, so don't screw this up for me.
Someone called the admin office and left a message.
My dad's sick.
Mendings, Major and Minor
Hello, Curly Q.
It's brain cancer, but it's the good kind of brain cancer.
Is there anything you can do?
Well, luckily there are some treatment options, some, uh, really interesting new therapies.
Um, do you...
Uh, do you feel sick?
Eh, I feel... decent.
Eh, there was some dizziness, headaches.
That's why I went in.
Does Mom know?
No, she does not. As yet, I, uh... I could come up with a reason, I suppose, but the truth is, I just... [chuckles] I just don't want to talk to her.
I'm worried about you.
You have brain cancer, and you're worried about me?
Will you stop saying "brain cancer" like it's brain cancer?
I never see you anymore since you went to this new school.
Thinking a lot about mistakes, you know, things I would do differently.
Quentin, by the time you were ten years old, buddy, I couldn't sit through one more card trick, but if that's what makes the world bearable to you, then you go off and do card tricks.
Don't try to be something you're not.
You're studying what now? Finance?
You really a finance guy?
I'm not a kid anymore.
Dump out that bag. Go on. Dump it out.
I'll give you 20 bucks right now if there isn't a...
A "Fillory" book in there.
You know you're still on my insurance, right?
You checked yourself into a mental hospital a couple of months ago. I didn't say a word.
I didn't say a word. I gave you your space, but your prescriptions are still coming here, which is how I know you're not taking them.
I don't need them. I am... I'm better.
I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, son.
I'm just trying to... fix what I broke.
You think I'm broken?
I think we are.
Need a hand?
We should catch up.
I'm surprised you came back.
I still haven't heard about your walkabout.
Yeah, well, it wasn't anything too exciting.
I mostly fed and killed chickens.
I mean, I wanted you to come back.
We're friends, right?
Uh, I was wondering if you could do me a tiny favor.
I helped you find Emily Greenstreet.
See, I still haven't been selected by a mentor yet.
I still haven't been selected by a mentor.
We're such good friends, I just...
I figured you could put a good word in to your aunt.
If you wouldn't mind putting in a good word for me.
I just feel deeply that we are connected and are meant to work together.
I'll see what I can do.
[knock at door]
Sorry, I'm a little early.
I knocked a couple times.
Um, working on this big paper.
[woman singing indistinctly]
That's actually good.
[scoffs] It's, like, people food.
What can I say?
You have no idea how relieved I am to see you like this.
A happy housewife?
Better. Not, uh...
High all the time?
I was gonna put it a bit more delicately than that.
We need to go to the hospital.
No, they'll just send me home.
I'm fine. They need to adjust your meds.
I'm not taking any meds, Quentin.
How bad is it?
I have a glioblastoma.
It's the most common type of brain tumor.
It's also the most severe.
But it's treatable?
There are treatments available.
I chose not to pursue them.
You know, I Googled brain tumors just in general, and one common denominator that jumps out at you is impaired cognitive function, so maybe you deciding not to pursue treatment without talking...
My doctors agree with me, Q.
The type of tumor it is, where it's located... the person who comes out of surgery... might not be me.
I don't want you to die.
Yeah, I'm not too crazy about it myself.
Then why are you giving up?
You remember this?
My dad and I used to build model airplanes.
And this, this was my absolute favorite.
This is a Nieuport 28.
It's the same plane Quentin Roosevelt flew in World War I.
When you were about two years old, you got your hands on this, and you broke off one of the wings.
I spent about an hour with a hot glue gun trying to fix it.
It ended up in about 20 pieces instead of 2.
Quentin, sometimes trying to fix something only makes it worse.
They match my 401k up to 6%.
It's just... it's crazy.
Oh, excuse me.
My father's dying, and I need you to fix him.
If magicians could cure cancer why would anybody have cancer?
Because we like secrets.
[light piano music]
There's got to be some kind of spell.
Amazing things are possible, but cancer, it's a part of you, intrinsically, in a way that magic can't separate.
Some people think it is magic, an old curse we can't break.
So then, somebody must have tried.
I mean, look, even if it's experimental, I...
Do you know why Dean Fogg didn't fix his eyes?
I guess I just assumed he couldn't.
Treating something like that requires an enormous amount of energy, and that comes at a cost.
So does everything.
I can give you the names of some journal articles.
Fair warning... what you're looking for might be impossible, and it will require far more energy than you can muster.
[whispers] I love you.
Oh... you baked.
You can have one, if you think you can afford it.
Please, I have the metabolism of a Jamaican sprinter, and I need my strength so I can properly wrap this bottle of double charmed sake you can only get from a very particular monk on Okinawa.
But I'm sure Genji is gonna love your little cakes.
This is war, bitch. [chuckles]
[fire ignites and crackles]
[fire sizzles] [grunts]
You should know better than to mess with Google magic, and starting an invisible fire in your apartment, still a fire.
You got lucky.
Pete, there's nothing else for me to be besides this.
There's a whole world of things besides this.
I almost burned down my apartment, and all I can think about is trying it again.
Pete, there is nothing else.
Your boyfriend could have done this for you.
I just got this stuff at Target.
Not that I'm complaining.
You know, a beautiful girl calls you in the middle of the night, never mind she's a little intense...
There are other hedges and other safe houses.
I want to know where.
Where have you been?
You're late, and this is mandatory!
[cheers and applause]
Welters is a game of circumstances. Simply put, we beat that squad of flower-power ass-clowns by casting to capture those squares, but the squares won't make that easy.
Each one represents a different location and a different set of circumstances, so you can't just cast. You actually have to know how to cast for those complications, then adjust in a dozen ways. If you get any one of them wrong, the whole thing goes to hell.
[inhales sharply] [laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
[echoing] Will you stop saying "brain cancer" like it's brain cancer? Sometimes trying to fix something only makes it worse.
Get your head out of your twat and throw the damn globe.
Are you okay?
[cheers and applause]
Are you sure you want to do that?
[whispering in foreign language]
Q, are you controlling this?
[screams] Do something, Q!
[cheers and applause]
One spell so powerful, it wiped the whole board.
Q, come on. Celebrate.
Who knew you had it in you?
Easily worth whatever it's gonna cost to replace the roof.
I don't care.
I get your dad is sick, but like it or not, you still have to think about your future, and this matters for that.
One of the mentors came up to me after the game and asked me to come to the Fertile Crescent to stalk a river dragon.
[scoffs] I said no, 'cause grand scheme, none of that matters.
Why do you think you were able to do that?
Please tell me someone has pointed out to you that magic doesn't come from sunshine and ice cream, for any of us.
What you're born with, what gets slammed on you as a kid, what happens now, like your dad...
A great way to get the things you want is to be so miserable, you don't want them anymore.
What kind of system is that?
You know, why can't it run on... love... or cocaine or something?
It's the universe deep-dicking us.
Lie back and try and enjoy it.
Pete sent me.
Show us your stars.
I can do you one better.
Uh, yeah. Um...
So... what's your name?
Wa... this is it?
How do you mean?
This is all you have?
Well, if you know so much, why don't you show us?
No, I didn't come here to teach.
At least show us that cool cloud thing again?
[laughs] Oh, my God.
What day of the week is it? [grunts]
Ah, you are asking the wrong guy.
What is this?
[man rapping in foreign language]
[chuckles] You joining the navy?
Hey... what's wrong?
It's to stop myself from traveling to an early grave.
Come on, you're looking at it all wrong.
Look, every idiot on the planet busts their ass. For what?
To buy the freedom that you got for free.
It's not free if I can't control it.
Well, then figure out how.
If you do, you could go anywhere, any time.
I mean, look, not for nothing, but you could be the greatest thief who ever lived.
What am I gonna steal?
Could start by stealing me a sandwich.
The day drinking losers absolutely do not fulfill the terms of our agreement.
I want somewhere better, some place with real magic.
It's the number two safe house in the city.
What? In all of New York?
A city of 8 million people?
They got good magic.
It's not their fault that they're the tortoise and you're the hare.
They're not even in the race.
Look, you want something better, get out of town; go to where the talent is.
You think the safe house in Hoboken's gonna be better?
There's this place in the Mali desert.
The marabouts have this object magic like nothing we have here.
We could go.
Because I love my boyfriend.
[scoffs] You slept with me two days ago.
That's a pretty loose f*cking definition of love.
What, you think that you and James are gonna grow old together?
He doesn't know the most important thing about you.
Then I'll tell him.
Why? Marina's rules?
Because it's dangerous, for both of you.
Marina's rules no longer apply.
Julia, you're making a mistake.
Give me spells, and I won't do it.
[voices whispering indistinctly]
Please help. [whimpers]
Okay, I hear you.
[crying] Please help me.
Please come for me.
Who the f*ck are you?
Let me out of here!
Someone help me.
Come on, can you hear me?
Please help! Please help me!
Let me out of here.
You can't keep doing this to me.
[chuckles] Astral projection.
All right, safety first.
Let me out of here!
You sound talkative today, Victoria.
Are you ready to talk?
I can wait all day.
You lied to me.
First one in 35 years?
Yes, there was a girl several years ago.
Yeah, well, I saw her, while I was astral ghosting into some dungeon.
Turns out she's part of that incredibly famous third year class, the missing third year class.
I didn't know what happened to her.
I figured she was dead.
You're supposed to be my f*cking mentor.
What the hell do you want from me?
Can you get her back?
I don't know where the hell she is.
You're the one who saw her, and it's not my problem.
Get that tattoo as soon as possible.
♪ No more smoke on the dance floor ♪
What's your poison?
Um, I don't know. I just poured something.
I have so much to teach you about drinking.
It's a three-year program. Graduate level.
It begins immediately.
This isn't some mentor week full-court press.
Friends don't let friends drink Long Island iced tea, Alice.
[upbeat rock music]
Eliot, I... oh, sorry.
Um, Alice, do you mind if I just borrow Eliot for a second?
How may I help you, sir?
What do you know about Cancer Puppy?
[whispers] Oh, yes.
His name is Gerald, but everyone calls him Cancer Puppy.
He's sort of our unofficial mascot.
Why does he have cancer?
Because he's 150, Quentin.
The enchantment just keeps him a puppy forever; it doesn't stop him from being riddled with every single disease it's possible to be riddled with.
They've been taking him to a very confused veterinarian in Ogdensburg. Yes.
What if I could fix you?
You're going to cure Cancer Puppy?
I found a spell that might work, but it requires a lot of energy, and I think I might have that right now.
[tense piano music]
[dog yelps, thud]
You killed Cancer Puppy?
I was trying to cure him.
The spell you were attempting to cast is part of a class of magic strictly forbidden for all students.
It is also strictly forbidden for everyone else.
I was just...
The best magicians in the world couldn't work that spell, and yet you thought a middling first year student could.
I had to try.
Why didn't you fix your eyes?
The glasses show me outlines. I can live with that.
If I had to choose between my eyes or my hands, I'd rather be able to cast.
It's on the first page of your first textbook, Quentin.
"As magicians, we are the instrument and the medium. We are the chisel and the marble."
I read it. I just...
But you didn't listen, did you?
Yes, you can save someone's eyes.
You can even save someone's life, but you might alter their soul in the process.
Then why bother?
What is the point of any of this, of magic, if we can't fix real problems?
We can fix some things.
So we fix what we can.
[Tyrannosaurus rex roars]
Get rid of the flare!
Get the kids!
Get rid of the flare!
[T. rex thundering and roaring]
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord be with you.
[thundering and screaming]
[Tyrannosaurus rex roars]
[sound on TV stops]
Hmm? It's okay.
I'm just, uh... I'm just a little tired.
Curly Q, what's going on?
You were right.
You do know your kid, at least a little.
I could give a sh1t about finance.
You know I just want you to be happy.
I know. I get that. I do.
[light orchestral music]
This is where I've been.
I'm a magician.
Hot stuff, hey.
You usually get me a scone too.
[both chuckle] Um...
[clears throat] I tried calling, like, a lot. Uh, anyways, listen, uh, 'cause this is important, so...
Okay, let me stop you one quick second.
Do I know you?
This isn't funny.
I think you have me confused for someone else.
Little problem out here.
Pete! Now, fucker!
What're you thinking?
Marina could be back any second.
You need to leave now.
I'm really not.
What is this, some sort of sick revenge because I wouldn't screw you again?
I didn't do anything.
No, of course you didn't. Marina did.
You couldn't get it up for this kind of magic even if you wanted to.
You sold me out!
It wasn't to hurt you!
It was to save James from you because you're out of control.
You want everybody's help.
You want to stand on our shoulders, and you haven't, not once, taken any of our advice.
No wonder they didn't let you into Brakebills.
I gave it a shot. I tried to get into alumni week.
I just... I'm sorry.
I don't care about becoming a magical podiatrist or cataloging cryptids, throwing huge parties.
Honestly... What do you care about?
I don't know. I'm still figuring that out.
Well, then this is the perfect place to be.
Charlie would be so proud, sweetheart, and you can always run away to me whenever you like.
What are these two staring at?
Quick, here she comes.
Get ready for the first spanking you won't enjoy.
That's actually kind of hot.
Dears, while you are both quite impressive, honestly, the thought of working with you exhausts me, and I'm too vain to sacrifice my looks in that way.
No, no, I mean, we totally get it.
Maybe next year?
What do we need her for anyway?
We can start our own bed-and-breakfast.
Helps if you hold a pleasant image in mind, such as a baby, if you tolerate those.
Circumstances are more favorable on a waxing moon.
That's not to say that it can't be done.
It's cooperative, so partner up.
About your dad...
Well, can they fix him?
Can we fix him?
You can get through this.
I wasn't sure if you were gonna, um...
I'm glad you came back.
Looks like "Game of Thrones" fan art.
You should ask Quentin and Alice.
It saw you.
Penny, they're involved.
All I can say is it was some kind of dungeon.
This was on the walls.
That's Ember's seal.
Penny, I think you were in Fillory.