01x13 - Have You Brought Me Little Cakes

Previously on The Magicians.

This was Fillory.

A land of magic.

The Chatwins, they must have got chased around, like this Timewitch, the Watcherwoman.

She plants clocks in trees.

This is where Fillory was born.

Where Plover told tales to Jane and Martin.

I saw something in there. That poor kid.

They were just trying to get a button to Fillory.

Yeah, so he could escape this monster.

We live in a world that is one world among many.

The Beast you saw was from one such place.

What does Jane have to do with the Beast?

Still the same determined, little Jane Chatwin. Ember gave her the ability to f*ck with time, and Jane used it to create a time loop. When she'd fail to stop The Beast, she'd restart the loop.

What's different this time?

I was at Brakebills?

You were supposed to be.

I can't sit here now and think it was anything but fate.

We summoned a goddess. She touched all of us. She granted every petition.

There was one time we didn't all die-- when we went to Fillory.

I'll go to Fillory on one condition.

The girl you saw in the dungeon?

We'll get her out.

We need some serious battle magic.

Spells only work if you channel 100% clean.

Bottling our emotions literally.

Shall we go f*ck some sh1t up?

You slept with two other people.

We broke up. I was out of my mind. I made a mistake. My friends, I just-- I can't let them fight The Beast on their own.

You want me to come to Fillory with you?


Kind of been planning this trip since we were nine.

"Fillory and Further. Book Seven." I will think of a great title later. I knew it started as a blob of crazy magic energy floating in space that gave birth to the gods, Ember and Umber, that gave birth to this amazing place: Fillory. And I even knew that that place was real. What I didn't know was one day, I would actually go there and seek out the gods themselves.


We need to talk to you.

Go on. Put a little conviction in it.


Okay. Um, how did Martin summon him?

[sighs] I don't know. The books are all poetry.

It's like, "Martin's blood sang to the gods."

[tense music]



What if it was literal?

That's worth a shot.

♪ ♪


Damn it.



You okay?

No, I just stabbed my own hand.




We were expecting something amazing, and it--it was amazing. Just more the shitty kind.


Smells like an outhouse in here.

Jeez, look at all this trash.

Someone's been holed up here a while.

It is customary to bow, Children Of Earth.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Have you brought me little cakes?

[pensive music]

You're probably a little confused, so now I'm gonna do that thing I kinda hate where the book rewinds to fill in all the blanks.

Sorry. Let's do it.



Holy sh1t.

Our route to Ember started when we traveled back in time to 1942 to follow Jane Chatwin through a vaguely TARDIS-looking portal to Fillory.

Here she comes!

We figured once we were actually there, we could get to the present and back to my friends somehow, 'cause that's Fillory.

There's always a way.

There's Jane, and there's us, and someone mysterious watching us, by the way, to follow us through.

Standing in Fillory was the greatest moment of my life, and not just because, as I later found out, the air is .02% opium, which is a pretty unfair trick to get you to love a place, but, whatever, we loved it.


Oh, uh, oh, so-- if you're a real fan, you totally recognize this from the books-- this iconic scene, right?

Jane falls into a trap and is saved by passing Magicians, but you didn't know is I am in that scene, bitches.

Struggle, struggle. Tighter, tighter.

Okay, do you see them yet?

Nope, but they can't be too hard to miss.

The Witch and The Fool. Iconic.

How are The Witch and The Fool supposed to see her--

Together: Oh!

Ooh, which one do you think I am?

You don't look like any witches or fools I've seen here.

Oh, wait. Don't.

It's--it's enchanted.

It'll only make it worse.

What's the point of these anyway?

They're everywhere.

Well, some animals can talk, so hunters have sort of an ethical dilemma.

You know, you don't want to eat something as smart as you, so anything that can answer the riddle is set free.

So, uh, "What is no sooner broken than spoken?"

I have no idea.

[whispers] Silence.


How'd you know the answer?

I, uh...read it.

[sighs happily]

Brilliant. Thank you, Witch and Fool.


Okay...[clears throat] go.

Geek out. We're in the books.

We are in the books.

[twig snaps]

So remember how someone followed us into Fillory?

Hey, are you following us?

It's totally cool if you are.


He's not even in this part of the book.

Still not sure I quite understand why you were following my sister.

Well, why are you following your sister?

'Cause Fillory stopped taking you?

Martin, I know you probably think it's your fault, but it's not.

You want to be here because you don't feel safe at home.

And we want to help.

What do you mean?

Christopher Plover is a very powerful Magician now.

Maybe the most.

We think we can stop him if we find something.

Um, it's a Fillorian knife, called the Leo Blade.

Have you heard of it?

No, but I know someone who might've.

[crickets chirping]

Nope, never heard of it.

But it's something you're more than capable of making, given your reputation.

Though if you think it may be too difficult--

What in Hades is difficult about a blade?

Well, this one...

Has to kill a Master Magician.

And he's not even human anymore.

Six fingers, dark spells you've never seen before.

Lad, fetch The Moonstones.

Thing like that can only be killed with a blade of Moonstones.

I have the only two in Fillory.

You couldn't even make a needle with that.

These aren't just rocks. They're alive.

I can mate them and breed more.

Then why haven't you?

Expensive. Takes time.

Care, feeding. Years.

And it's not often I'm called upon to forge a Master Magician murder weapon.

But you are from a place that likes murder: Earth.

Am I right?

Yes, we're from Earth.

Good. Then you know what I want.

We do, and we agree.

So what exactly did we promise the knifemaker last night?

Well, he knew we were from Earth.

And the rulers of Fillory can only be from Earth.

So he thinks we're...

Kings and Queen. He wants a seat at court.

But years, it'll take him years.



Holy sh1t.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

Jules, it's Ember's Temple.

It was as beautiful as it was in the books, and standing there, you could just feel that the gods were real.

But in Fillory, with magic comes danger.

She's coming! The Watcherwoman!

[clock bell chimes]

Martin. Wait.


[clock bell chiming]

Holy sh1t.

In which we run into my favorite random, scary villain from the books and she turns out to be the exact opposite.


You know The Watcherwoman?

Oh, my God. I do.

Of course, I should have put that together.

Uh, this is my friend, Julia.

Julia, this is Jane Chatwin all grown up.

You're not supposed to be here yet.

Haven't even been born yet.

We know about time loops that you keep making.

Well, as you should by now.


So there have been 39 others--

And you're the volunteer tomato.

I'm sorry, what?

In a garden, you pull everything up.

Sometimes a stray vine just keeps coming back.

It volunteers.

That's really why you, Quentin, you just keep coming.

Right. Okay.

So, okay...I'm the tomato.

And this is the last time.

Why is this the last one?

Oh... [stammering] Uh, well you die this time.


I see.

Do I die doing something brave?


Right, then.

If you survive, see to it that I get a proper temple in my honor.

Granite statue, good likeness, mind the chin.

I'll put that at the top of my list.

Can I ask a question?

Why are you the Watcherwoman and she's a villain?

Am I?

I mean, you scared the hell out of everybody.

Well, when I was a girl, the Watcherwoman inspired me to learn magic to fight her.

Indeed, I grew up to be just a touch stronger than that Watcherwoman.

That hurts my brain.

Apparently wasn't enough.


Least I learned some fun things, like this.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

Wait, what did you do?

♪ ♪

Don't want her to hear us.

♪ ♪

There's a patch on your friend's memory, quite crude.

Made in haste, likely by a Hedge.

Could you remove it?

No, it's there for a reason.

Covering something...recent, something tragic...

Replacing it with something beautiful but false.

[coins clinking]

[indistinct chanting]

My children, you have summoned me to shed your burdens and so they shall be.



I have a mission for you.

If you still care about her...

Of course.

Protect her.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.

That was never your job, Quentin.

Right, then.

Sorry, what were you guys saying?

So, Jane, um, could you zoom us forward to the present--our present?

Good-bye, Quentin.



Welcome to Fillory 2016.

It's a lot colder.

It's like being in a fog that never lifts.


Ow. Jesus.

[inquisitive music]

"Enchanted this to find you if you ever arrive. Hope you're not dead. Margo being such a bitch. Follow map to find us. El."

Come on.

Welcome to the Fillory of The Beast. And this is what happens to a world ruled by the worst kind of predator-- the kind of monster who destroys childhood.


Cheers, B.

♪ ♪

As soon as I saw them, I remembered, "Oh, we kind of all slept with each other and hate each other right now. And that is largely my fault."

Really good to see you again, Q, but, um, why am I looking at the Hedgebitch who tried to kill you?

We worked it out.

I wouldn't be here without her, so...

I'm here. You don't have to like me.

Oh, don't you worry.

We don't.

So do you know where The Beast is holding Victoria or not?

I think the dungeon is in The Castle That Isn't There.

That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.

You didn't just do shots with a bulldog named Bristlycoat.

It's a kind of Phosphoromancy. Alice, you could explain it... um, better.

How much further to this knifemaker?

These shoes weren't cobbled for a quest.

Right over here, I think.

Not another one.


They're everywhere.

Plus headstones, unmarked graves.

Oh, no.

We'd hoped that Martin was still out there somewhere, that we could save him, but we took too long.

We failed him.

All the Chatwins are dead.

Wow, your childhood fantasy is a great big magical Dachau.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

The knifemaker's house was largely the same in 2016, but now it was run by a stranger.

I remember you.

I must say, you've aged well, the two of you.


I was eight. Apprentice to my father.

Is he around?

He's out back.

Six feet under grass.

You know, he grew a little aggravated waiting for you two to come back.



[inquisitive music]

♪ ♪

The Leo Blade, as promised.

Payment is due.

As promised.

Here's the thing: all the Chatwins are dead, Fillory has no rulers, and the only people from Earth left here now not locked in a dungeon--

Oh, my God. I'm going to be royalty.

Yeah, I mean, we all are the next wave.

So what he wants is to become future royalty by marriage.

Wait, he wants to marry one of us?

No, thank God.

He wants one of us to marry her--his daughter.


I mean, you know, team player and stuff.

Hey, who says it's you anyway?

It's not a volunteer gig, and she doesn't get to pick.

This blade draws one thing and one thing only: the pure royal blood of the High King of Fillory.

I admit, I was 100% sure that I was definitely the High King.


I know! Shocking, right?

You may be wondering why they set it up that aliens must rule Fillory and I'm sure there is a great reason and nobody has any clue what that is.

Ember and Umber set it up and they're not that into explaining their big ideas and, you know, you'd think it would be centaurs or something, right?

I would do centaurs, but nope.

[sighs] So what exactly is supposed to--



Get the f*ck out.

Well, High King.

Makes certain instinctual sense, I guess.

Your Majesty.

Oh, this'll make him easier to live with.


So there's a bump.

Bigger than marrying a total stranger-ette?

Apparently marriage here is different.

Really different.

Right, but as High King, I can get, like, a royal annulment.

No, never.

Once you get married, you won't be able to be with anyone else literally for the rest of your life.

Here, but when I go back, I can...

I can never leave Fillory.


El, you don't have to do this.

No, don't.

I'm doing this.



I am miserable.

My life, it doesn't work.

Nothing's ever fixed that.

Drugs, s*x, food, booze.

Not even magic.

But maybe it all led to this, to now, for a reason that's actually finally going to make my life not just about me, and my thoughts, and my feelings.



How wise you are, Queen Margo The Destroyer.



[dark music]

Is it okay if I hate that you're getting married?

[laughs] sh1t.

I think you're the only person that I can stand.

[clears throat] You know what that means?

You have to be my Best Man.

[laughing] God.

[rhythmic drumming]

♪ Be my husband ♪
♪ And I'll be your wife ♪
♪ Be my husband ♪

This is taking forever.

♪ Be my husband ♪

[whispering] Penny!

♪ Outside you, there is no place to go ♪



Nice to meet you.

Will you marry me?

♪ Ooh, Daddy, now, now, love me good ♪

Okay, okay, where are you?

Where is this?

♪ Stick to the promise, man, that you made me ♪

[all cheering]

♪ Please don't treat me so doggone mean ♪
♪ Please don't treat me so doggone mean ♪

The blade is yours.

♪ You're the meanest man I have ever seen ♪



That's hot.

Here, maybe it's just for High Kings.

Oh, Jesus!

Okay, Father-in-law, why is this blade 1,000 degrees?

It may only be handled by Master Magicians.

Are none of you Masters?

Okay, I found the castle. We can--

Oh, cool!


I hate this place!

There has to be a trick, right?

We can't trick it into thinking we're powerful.

I mean, the trick is we have to be that powerful.

I gather the crowd you usually hang with nods like you're smart when you say incredibly obvious sh1t, but what we need is ideas.

That's a good idea. We need the power of a god.

Yeah, or gods. Ember and Umber.

Who haven't been seen for decades, so good luck with that.

Okay, I have a much less idiotic idea.

Why don't we use a Magician who's actually been around The Beast-- the girl from his dungeon.

So much less idiotic it's almost good.

I'm with Penny.


Yeah, according to the fine print not actually written down, I have a virgin farm girl to impregnate.

Right this second?

This very one.

Best of luck, all. You're welcome.

Mrs. Me?

If I die while he's balling himself limp, I will haunt the sh1t out of his ass.

You're f*cking kidding me.

That's why they call it The Castle That Isn't, 'cause it's invisible.

The truth is, the castle was constructed to be invisible primarily for budgetary reasons.

The royals had spent their entire seasonal allowance and then realized they still had a castle to build, so they figured builder's grade material is just fine if you can't see it.

You guys run, I'll distract 'em.

Don't be stupid. They're men.

My sister! Please, help!

She just fainted. Can one of you do something?


Hey, hey.


I need help.

You all right, miss?

Where am I?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪



Whoa--hey, hey.

Hey, we're here to get you out. Okay, we're here to get you out.

The cuffs... I can't--

They keep you from Travelling.


We'll get 'em.

Can you walk?

There's someone else in the next cell.


We need to talk to you.

So here we are at the temple, hoping against hope and all that.


It is customary to bow, Children of Earth.

Have you brought me little cakes?



We didn't really know that we were supposed to.


And I am so tired of eating mice.


No matter.

And you are?

Uh, I'm Quentin Coldwater.

And Julia Wicker.


Spank my cheeks.

You're usually dead by now.

He kills you and I'm left here to hide like an animal in horrid, arid, cake-deficient Loria, but you're here.

What happened?

What are you-- what are you doing here?

He lured me into a trap, of course.

The Beast?

As you call him, yes.

He snared me and my dead, departed Umber.

Wait, Umber's dead?

It's unseemly, all of it.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to disrespect, but how could a Magician put the drop on you?

Fillory's magic belongs to no one, not even a god.

A Magician with enough determination can harness its forces and make haggis of any one of us.


So now I just wait till he is slain.

I'm so f*cking bored, Children of Earth.


I've had s*x with every nymph in the kingdom.

Well, we're here to help.

But you're not a nymph.

No, I'm--

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Pray pardon?

What are you doing here?

You're just gonna let The Beast trample the sh1t out of Fillory?

You think that I want to be here?

I think you're being kind of a whiny bitch.

Q, maybe don't insult--

No, does he care or not?

You're right.

Years trying to outwit him.

[chuckles] Greatest failure, deepest shame.

And now he is prepared for anything I do.

It's not I who can defeat him, not directly.

I'll do it.

I volunteer. I'll kill The Beast.

I love Fillory. I don't know why.

But I am supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to fight for it.

Can you be the champion we've been waiting for?

I want to be.

I'm ready to be.

I'll do whatever it takes.

You love Fillory.

And you never stopped.

Julia stopped.

I mean, maybe in college, but now I totally--

Yes, you see, she stopped.

But you never did.

Only the best and the purest can face The Beast, and that is you.

Right, okay, so here's the thing, I can't really touch the knife that can kill The Beast.

Yes, you need my strength.

I will infuse you with... my essence.

I have gifted you my Bestowal, my Largesse, the seed of my power.

When you are ready to face The Beast, imbibe it.

Is that semen?

Thank you.

Thank you.

And you, Daughter of Earth.


[dramatic music]


Your mind is encumbered.

A shroud.



Crudely made.

Ember, no, it's okay--

I shall remove it.

Remove what?

No, no, don't!


Oh, God. Jules!

You're welcome. No need to thank me.


Best of luck.



Please, don't-- please don't touch me, please don't--

Hey, hey. Jules, come on.

What happened?

Just tell me, please.

Can you take my memory?

Please, take my memory.

I don't know how.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

I may have to go.

I knew Julia wouldn't tell me until she was ready, but that might be never.



Thank you.

Any time.

Honestly, I was getting pretty sick of hearing your voice in my head.

I wanted to help you so badly.

I'm sorry I--

Don't be.

You found me.

Look, is there some trick?

How do you take people along?

Any of us can.

Well, I-I can barely Travel me.

They're a spell.

Ew. Literally?

So the dungeon?

Roaring success, and a twofer.


We should see if he's awake by now.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

That's Christopher Plover.


We were wrong about everything.

Plover's not The Beast.


Martin Chatwin is.

♪ ♪

I loved Martin.

But there's something black inside him I failed to see.

Look at the markings on his face.

Age suspension magic, so every day he can start over.

Yeah, poor you.

We need to find Martin.

Why? You can't stop him.

Tell us everything or I'm going to feed you to him.


When he was still a child, Fillory stopped taking him.

Once he found his way back, he made it his mission to stay.

He'd heard about The Wellspring, the most ancient location in Fillory.

Which is what?

The source of all magic.

It's not only stronger than Ember and Umber, it created them.

Fillory runs on it.

Martin goes every night to drink from it, draining it a little more each time.

The Wellspring's magic is so strong it killed... every human thing in him.

There's only The Beast now.

So he goes to the Wellspring every night, but it's not on any map.

[sighs] Guess I can start asking around.

Or cast some kind of locator maybe?

Or ask me.

He never could hide his mind from me.

Our connection.

Okay, I vote we test the knife out on him.

We gotta be careful with this. Shhhhh.

[whispering] Josh come on we gotta go.

Yeah, Josh and Victoria bailed.

On one hand, f*ck 'em, on the other hand, you can't really blame 'em.

So I was writing this down because I didn't know much, but I knew that I was the hero of this story.

It all just felt like the exact moment that my entire life had been building up to, all of the reading, and dreaming, and loneliness, and magic.

All of it.

And then... well, and then this story actually happened.

And I started to realize the truth.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

It's so insignificant-- us being together and falling apart, I mean, it just doesn't matter.

I made a mistake.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I love you.

You're right, I don't.

But I'm not gonna go in there angry at you.

Okay, I've got your back, Quentin.

We all do.

You know, my entire life, ever since the first time I read "Fillory and Further,"

I've been waiting for some powerful being to come down and say, "Quentin Coldwater, you are The One."

Every book, every movie, it's about one special guy.

He's chosen.

In real life, for every one guy, there are a billion people who aren't.


Almost none of us are the one.

Ember said--

Ember is a little out of touch, I think.

You're a better Magician.

And you're a better person.

And I think that if he'd met you, he wouldn't be so sure that it's me.

But you're the one that they say shows up every single time, it's you.

I want to be the one. I do.

It's just... it's the adult part of me, the part of me that understands how magic works, it just--it just keeps screaming that it's you.

Every time that Jane reset the loop, she changed something.

So what if I change something?

What if I give the blade to you?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You're not as good as I hoped, Quentin Coldwater.

♪ ♪

But you're better than you know.

♪ ♪

Alice, you okay?

Come on, hon.

Pretend it's prom night and you just want to shut him up.

♪ ♪

Did you Bogart the whole thing?


♪ ♪

Q, uh, can I-- can I talk to you?


Jules. Talk to me.

I did something.

Me and my friends.

We followed all the clues.

We thought that She was leading us to Her.

We summoned Her.

You know, I actually believed Our Lady Underground chose me.

[all chanting in foreign language]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Guys, stop. We should stop.

♪ ♪


Dumb little witch.

You can't unring a bell.



Move! Richard, move!


[all panting and shrieking]

Stop her!

Do something.

Can't use my magic.

Nothing's working.


Oh, God.

You'll find I've taken away your magic, so there's no point in trying.


My thanks for opening the door.

You may address me as Reynard the Fox, Trickster of the faithful, the pure of heart, the very stupid.

[dark music]

♪ ♪


[all screaming]


No, no!

[all choking and gagging]

♪ ♪


Julia, run, run.

Kady, that was my hermit who healed your heart.

And now, I'm going to taste it.

Don't you f*cking touch her.

When you address me... [whispers] avert your gaze.

I said, "Don't you f*cking touch her."

Fine. I'll take you first.


Kady, go. Go!


I chose you, Julia.

From the first moment you prayed, I felt your body.

I lifted it in my hands.




I can give you the greatest pleasure of your life.

I can make you...





I need your help. Something happened.

[tense music]

♪ ♪



Thank you for coming.


I got you. I got you.

♪ ♪

The thing, where is it now?

Gone. Got what it wanted.

I didn't know who else to call.

You called the right person.

I'm gonna help you clean this up.

I'm gonna need another favor.

And I know it'll cost me, but I don't care.

Jesus, Julia, I want to help.

What Brakebills did to your memory?

I need you to do it to me.



Yeah, I know. What the f*ck were we thinking?

You were trying to do good, and you got duped.

It's not your fault.

Jules, you saved Kady.

Yeah, but what about everyone else?

You know, what...


I'm going to help you.

I promise, whatever that means.

It means find him.

It means kill him.

And somehow I doubt that that's easy, or even possible.

Well, impossible sh1t is sort of our thing.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

The Wellspring of all magic?

It's a truck stop shit-house.

He'll be here soon.

Let's go.

♪ ♪

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

The f*ck?

It's Plover's writing room.

All that power, and he can't stop thinking about where it happened.

Fillory needs meds way more than magic.

Okay, so.

Where's the actual Wellspring?

Poor Martin.

Okay, so...

[moth wings buzzing]

[tense music]


Is it time for this already?

Hi, Martin.

We know it's you.


[lock clicks]

Well, you made it a good long way this time around.

But this is it, Quentin.

I know you're still in there.

Look at this.

You still feel, you're still hurt, and you should be after what happened to you.

You mediocre are always so sentimental.

Although, must say, most wouldn't walk to certain death 40 times in a row.


You're no quitter.



Let's get this over with.


I have an offer.

Jane gave me a message for you, a--a gift.

She said that you would want it, that--that you would understand.

♪ ♪

Your stupid bloody cards.

Your stalling tactics haven't gotten any less pathetic.

Next time, put something useful in your pocket.

Oh, that's right. No next time.





You're stronger than you were.

Haven't learned to cast while you're bleeding out?

[choking and coughing]

Oh, for the love of Christ, children...


[both groan]






♪ ♪

Quentin Coldwater.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[line trilling]


I need--

I need your help. Something happened.




♪ ♪

Something's still happening.

♪ ♪

Stronger as well, I see.

So many surprises.


What do you want?


You killed Umber.

And you trapped Ember.

You know how to deal with gods.

You know how to f*ck up their sh1t.



I want to make a deal.


[groaning and panting]

Oh, God.