02x02 - Hotel Spa Potions

Previously on "The Magicians"...

I hesitated, but The Beast, I should have... it's my fault.

No, it's not.

It's Julia's fault.

You know how to deal with gods.

You know how to f*ck up their sh1t.

Julia, no.

I want to make a deal.

No, guys, she... she's not sane.

One small consolation is the bitch is with The Beast right now and I can't really see that going her way.

Word as bond.

I assume the extra bits enchant the blade to kill me instantly in the event I break it.

You guys are from Brakebills?

Dude, Josh Hoberman, class of '16.

Come with me if you want to live.

Yeah, Josh and Victoria bailed, on one hand.

On the other hand, you can't really blame them.

I'm Marina.

So you were...

Top bitch in New York for starters.

Welcome back to Brakebills.

Wait, you went here?

Kicked out three months before graduation.

Let's go steal their sh1t.

So there's a bump.

Bigger than marrying a total stranger-ette?

Once you get married, you won't be able to be with anyone else, literally.

But when I go back...

I can never leave Fillory.

Please fix my hands.

See, how do I put this in a way that you'll understand?

Go f*ck yourself.

According to the best and only magic we have, The Beast will kill us, end of story.

Okay, zillion bucks says The Beast comes back any minute, so what's the plan?

We lost the blade, so we need a new something, especially while Alice is still...

Watch your step... wait, this is something.

It's a workbook on spells, serious ones, but the actual spells aren't here.

I know where we need to go.


[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I don't get it. How come nobody in a hood is trying to kill us?

Okay, that's just weird.

You want to stop and figure it out, be my guest.

You're alive.

What a lovely surprise.

Okay, so... the castle armory was basically empty, except for this.

This is a Brakebills student workbook.

I'm not blind, Quentin, technically.

From 1893, so I guess that means that a Brakebills student was in Fillory over a hundred years ago.

And the only humans that had access to the armory were...

Own it, pumpkin. The Monarchy.

So we are not the first Brakebills students to get into Fillory or to assume the throne.

It's a great question for history class, but if The Beast gets to the Wellspring right now and sucks it bone-dry, magic dies in Fillory.

It dies there...

It dies here.

On Earth.

My God.

So the Battle Magic that this student learned here, he learned from a professor named Bigby.

Have you heard of him?


Well, there is a note in here.

There's a spell that seems strong enough called the Rhinemann Ultra...

Right, but the spell isn't actually here.

Because why should anything be easy?

sh1t. sh1t! Duck!




What the hell is that about?

Uh, it's semi-not related to any of this, but I think I know a temp fix.

All right.

I'll get back to you.

♪ Hey-ho ♪
♪ If love were all ♪
♪ I should be lonely ♪
♪ I believe ♪
♪ The more you love a girl ♪
♪ The more you give your trust ♪
♪ The more you're bound to lose ♪

Okay, is that an actual song or are you trying to get me to stab a knife into my eardrums?

♪ Although ♪

Of course.

♪ When shadows fall ♪
♪ I think if only ♪
♪ Somebody splendid really needed me ♪

You mind? I'm working.

It's still too similar to the first sigil that summoned him.

He'll know it's you. And a trap.

You're welcome to have an actual idea.

Oh, no, I'd ruin your primitive purity.

That's part of what attracts him.

You're an absolute savage, Julia.

Look, I know you're basically stoned on sugar, but if you could just dial down the chipper...


All I do is accept what you fight.


Which is?

Life is pointless.

The after-life even more so.

Which is why we invent these games to fill the void of existence.

Who diddled whom. Who'll get revenge for it.

Who takes the throne.

Yeah, well, that would be me, actually, and my friends.

Ah, well, I doubt they're your friends anymore.

And, uh, they won't be royals long. Huh.


Uh, maybe you could use a bit of help with the Binding Principle.

Did you put some kind of curse on the castle?

Did I?

It was so long ago.

I hardly remember.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

The throne room, Sire.

[all coughing]

Can't be that hard to find dead rats.


Wait, wait, wait, yes.

I-I believe I did work up a little welcome.

Yes, since Ember made it impossible for me to retake the throne and the Children of Earth kept coming and coming, drunk on self-love and power-lust.

Yes, I thought of it as a kind of royal test... that no one ever passed.


What kind of test?

Ah, that's something for each new despot to, uh, puzzle out themselves. Anyway.

You're on the right track.

Now we just need the bait.

As soon as I'm finished with this, I'm ready.

He knows you.

A bit too intimately.

No, I have the perfect fresh candidate.

She's young, beautiful, female, and a very powerful witch.



Let's skip the discussion.

You do as I say or this... does its job, per the bond.

Oh, well, technically, the Leo Blade cuts my throat if I attempt to harm you, your beloveds, or undermine your efforts.

And my dear, I assure you...

♪ I believe ♪
♪ That since my life began ♪
♪ The most I've had is just ♪
♪ A talent to amuse ♪
♪ Hey-ho ♪
♪ If love were all ♪

[eerie music]

Uh, wait, the cottage was here, right?

It's not invisible, it's just... not.

Oh, sh1t, right.

End of semester prank to ditch the first-year losers.

I should've remembered, it was my idea.

Are you...

I hate all of you.

I hate all of you.

Could we just find the cottage, please.

[indistinct chatter]

Mm, promising.

To the first bottle of Fillorian champagne.

Which I know technically isn't champagne.

Except I am renaming the Royal Gardens "Champagne Nouveau."

Mm. [spits] Ugh.

"Champagne no-no." Jesus.

That makes no sense. I used the go-to fermenting enchantment.

No fretting. I'll get it right. Trial and error.

I'm your wife. I want to be obedient.

[chuckles] Sit down.

Nobody wants to be obedient.

I do want to serve you and Fillory, but...


Look, I'm okay being a king, but I don't want to run a cult.

If anyone has a right to speak up, it's you.

There hasn't been a truly inspiring, caring ruler since Rupert Chatwin, and that was so long ago, most barely remember.

Look, I'm cleaning the place up.

I'm trying to get some decent wine going.

What else is there?

The people are starving.


Oh, okay. We should probably get on that.

And I'm guessing magic probably won't do the trick.

Magic is the problem.

Oh, boy.

[indistinct chatter]

[dance music]

♪ ♪

Yep. We're alive. Deal.

Can you keep your sh1t tight for a few more minutes?

Couple minutes is all I'll need.

Drink, now.

You deserting, chicken-shit m*therf*cker.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, goddammit!

Like Lando and Han. Right on.

Oh! [groaning]

Still got my legs.

Uh, so it true what Josh was saying?

Fillory's real, right? Right?

Fillory is very real.


And this is going to be on the syllabus next semester?

We shall see. But for now, Quentin, Alice, Penny, and Margo need Battle Magic.

We're going to teach Battle Magic now?

It was once a required course.

Till it was outlawed.

For good reason, I hear.

Yes, well, it was a very messy situation.

At the time, I thought it was right, but the professor who taught it disagreed.

Strongly. She was fired, and as she was escorted off campus, she said that...

I'm sorry, Henry, this is fascinating, but why are you telling me this?

The professor, Bigby, hinted that she hid all the Battle Magic spells somewhere on campus.

"You'll need them someday," she said, "And me."

Again, why?

All the Battle Magic spells are hidden in the library.

No one knows the library better than you.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

We both are. Seriously sorry.

So where's Victoria?


I don't even know if she's on this planet anymore.

Can't blame her.

Spit in it.

What is it?

It's a hangover cure El and I used when we got the shakes.

I amped it up with Nightshade and a couple of Ativans.

Might make you a little woozy, but it could do the trick...


Temporarily. So keep a stash on you.

It is good to see you guys, though.

f*ck off.




This one... is sheer, hellcat perfection.

I don't give a sh1t about getting him.

You should.

Look, I didn't summon him.

I didn't get raped by him.

I have no skin in this except that I want to kick your ass and kill him.

♪ Fate may often treat me meanly ♪
♪ But I keenly pursue ♪
♪ A little mirage in the blue ♪

Did you scrape him off the cabaret floor?

Reynard is targeting Hedges.

Right. So the answer is to hire Michael Bublé to kidnap me and then use me as your bait.

If I'm wrong, raise your hand.

Look, you're right. It was wrong grabbing you the way that we did, but sooner or later, he was gonna find you.

We need someone...

Else, Julia.

Or we have a problem.

Do you want a problem with me?

Forget it.


I told you untying her was a mistake.

[door opens, closes]



It's starting to burn a little.

Take it off.

You know I can't. I need it.

The more it burns, the less time we have.

If it hurts, then...

Not everything that hurts is bad.

I hate that all of this is on you.

You'd tell me if there was something I could do.

Shift the weight off?

Yeah, I'd tell you.

[dramatic music]

Look, she's a bitch on three wheels, probably bat-shit crazy, but she's not wrong.

Did you find it?

I did. And?

Look, I know we made a pact.

I stick to my coast, you stick to yours.

But this might take all the top Hedge bitches to coven up and take this asshole out.

Your coast or mine?

I'm already on my way.

So, if I'm understanding this, things here grow magically.

Until recently, yes.

Everything always took care of itself.

We used to grow all the nuts in the southern region.

Until The Beast drained the magic.

Now what's required is actual farm work.

Which no one in Fillory knows how to do.

Ah, I think I'm getting one of those migraines where everything gets all bendy.

Please God, let me pass out.

No? All right.


I have a secret.

It's fairly difficult for me to confess.

And it brings me nothing but waves of aching nausea, but...

I grew up... on a farm.

That's your secret?

I spent years blocking it all out.

The smell of wet hay.

And the feel of an udder.

The taste of fresh... goat milk.

And the worst humans in the known universe: my family.

It's coming back and if it all comes back, I'm pretty sure I'll know exactly what to do.

That's wonderful.

On a planet with no Zoloft.

Now you sound like my king.


So then, if I just needed one little thing from you to... to ease my agony?



There's my girl.

[both chuckle]

Professor Bigby was brilliant, impatient, stubborn, and mercurial. And a 500-year-old pixie.

Who more or less saw humans as children to be toyed with.

If she's as good as her word, and one thing she certainly wasn't was a liar, then her book of Battle Magic will be found here.

In this room.


She told me. "The Battle Magic will be where the knowledge always is. The day you need it, I promise, it will be your last hope."

Uh, those were here exact words, "last hope."


Well, that's the name of one of the more powerful texts on Battle Magic.

"Last Hope Options."

Yes, of course. Pixies love puzzles and riddles.

Especially those that make humans look stupid.

She gave me the title of the book that we're searching for, but I'm afraid that it will be very hard to find.

Let's get to it.

[upbeat music]


♪ ♪

"The Rhinemann Exchange."

A spy novel by Robert Ludlum.

What's next?

"Last Hope Options" is an anagram for...

♪ ♪

"Pane Hotspot Silo"?

♪ ♪


All right, let's try assigning a different number structure to the letters.

For instance, A is 11, B is 22, C is 44, and so on.



"Tat Loosens Hippo," "Opine Path Stools."

♪ ♪

Pixie puzzles.

[both groan]

♪ ♪


Penny, what's... what's happened to your hands?

What hasn't?

Tell me.


Maybe I can help.


Ugh. Professor?

I can safely say that none of the number codes we came up with led to anything.

We found about 300 anagram phrases.

Anything promising?

Uh, well, uh, "Hospital Nose Top" mean anything?

What about, uh, "Latte Shop Poison"?

No? Not surprising.

Uh, oh, this one's good.

This is my favorite because it's absurd.

Uh, "Hotel Spa Potions."


That's a book. In here.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪


"Last Hope Options."


The chapter's been ripped out.

Wait, there's a note.

"Hello, Henry. If you're reading this, I was right and everyone else at Brakebills was wrong. How delightful. It also means I'll see you quick as one, two, nine. Where middle leads and last is fine, summer's here and ne'er retreats, a pretty island made of streets."

Another riddle. Awesome.

Oh. Well, if it's, like, where to find her?

"Island made of streets" is Rhode Island.

What? Duh.

Sorry. Could you spell your last name again?

I would, but... you're asleep.

[tense music]

You said anything.

But this is... this is...

Am I not enough for you?

You're great.

For... who you are.

It's just... I already told you. My life was different before.


And I'll help you make a new life.

Well, this is new.

And right inside the lines of marriage.

We just do what we do in bed, and they do what they do.

I only picked people already doing each other.

And we get to watch.


You guys are all cool with this, right?

All: Mm-hmm.


You're their king.

They will do as you wish, no matter how...



[chuckles] Debased?

Honey-love, I've been doing this sh1t since I was 12, except on a computer.

I don't know what that means, but... if it's what you desire...


All right. Good night, everyone. Thanks.

You all look really good naked.

Thank you, Sire.

Your Majesty.

Well, I guess life is about new experiences, and, uh, I've never been pussy-whipped, so...

You're doomed.

Which I might find amusing except it's likely to get me killed.

And for what?

Because no matter what, I'm going to hold on to my...

If you say "humanity" you'll learn I can vomit non-stop for two hours.

You know, I'm about to make an enemy of a god who I have no quarrel with.

And without decent bait, you're literally asking me to do it blindfolded, shackled, and hopping on one leg.

If... if I took just a smidgen of your Shade, not only would your trauma drop away, you'd have no issue with using Marina.

You'd be free of these useless feelings and this idiotic moral quagmire.

Come near me and the knife won't kill you.

'Cause you can still live without a dick.

[piano playing]

♪ Life is very rough and tumble ♪

Or a tongue.

[dramatic music]

So Rhode Island was just beginner's luck.

Okay, uh, okay, "Summer's here and ne'er retreats."

So "ne'er retreats," it's, uh, it's set. "Summer is set."

"Somer... Somerset. Somerset."


And the numbers could be a street address.


"Quick as one, two, nine. Middle is first, last is fine."

219. So it's 219 something Somerset.

Oh, come on.

[breathing rapidly]


I think I can help.


Sorry, sir.


We've had a security breach.



I need asylum.


What else can you tell me about this... situation?

Well, for starters, it's not a "situation."

It's a raping, killing, omniscient god with a pretty specific type: me and mine.

What the f*ck else do you need to know?

I see you still don't expend much on good manners.

What, this is a charm school now?

No, but it is my school.

Not a safe house.

I was the best student you ever had here.

You said that.

I confused talent with character.

You need both to be a true magician, Marina.

Kicking you out wasn't a choice.

I couldn't have you infecting my students then and I certainly won't now.


You f*cking prick.

Where am I supposed to go?

You can keep your memories.

I hope that whatever you've learned here will help keep you safe.

What I learned here will get me killed.

Remember, pixies are tricky.

Keep all questions and answers short and to the point.

You understand?


Ah, yes.

Henry, you look awful.

What happened to your eyes? Are you blind?

And your... your hair. Henry, you look ancient.

Very nice of you to say so, dear.

Oh, no wonder you sought me out.

I mean, you've been positively mauled by something.

Bigby, let me intro...

Mmm. [chuckles]

Some things haven't changed.

You still are the most wonderful kisser.

Do you have time to go to bed with me?

We are a bit on the clock, darling.

And these are my students.

They are in need of the Rhinemann Ultra.

[chuckles] Are they now?

Oh, yes.

Well, if the stuffed shirts and ninny nay-sayers hadn't outlawed Battle Magic 38 years ago, then they would have it, which you well know, Henry.

You look hungry.

So why was Battle Magic outlawed?

[sighs] Humans least attractive qualities.

Panic and paranoia.

And there were several student deaths that semester.

Far fewer than the 1870s, or the 1920s, or the '60s.

Another human failing, short memory.


You'd be the one casting. Good.

It would burn anyone else to a crisp.

I can feel your power. It's almost... [chuckles] it's almost god-like.

Did you f*ck one of them?

I mean, they are wonderful, aren't they?

At least mine was.

I glowed for weeks. No, literally.

I actually got mine a little differently.

Yes, and it's waning. Quite quickly.

And so, Bigby, if you could just please give us the spell.

I don't give anything, Henry. You of all people know that.

So... well, convince me.


Where the hell is the Burnt River?

Apologies for last night, dear wife.

None required, my lord.

I will need to find some way to blow off steam.

Somehow, someday. But in the meantime, I get to stroll the wondrous memory fields of my agrarian childhood... sprinkling sh1t.

Sprinkling... sh1t?

Shoveling, mixing, drying, hauling.


Sprinkling it on... what?




Your farmers don't fertilize?

So it's the only thing we've found that might stop The Beast.

I mean, it was amazing reading about how you used the Rhinemann at Gettysburg to help win the war for the Union.

Right. And it was you who slipped it to Rupert Chatwin for the Battle of the Bulge.

I mean, you changed history.

Oh, I did, yes. Many times.

Henry, is that juniper tree still there?

You know, the one by the infirmary.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it has the softest grass.

It feels delicious on your ass.

I mean, we used to sneak out at night and, oh, for hours we would...

Bigby, please.

Are you telling me you don't even remember that tree?

Of course I do, darling. Of course.

But it's private.


Well, not anymore.

Plus, these two f*ck like jackrabbits.

I mean, you can just smell it.


And it is delicious, darling.

Bigby, we really are in a time crunch.


There's a lot at stake.

Which I told you would be the case someday, hmm.

Well, welcome to someday.


[clears throat]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

No one but you can be within 20 feet of the blast.

It will kill anyone, including your Beast.

As strong as he is, you're stronger.

But not for long. Hmm?

So, stop prattling and get to it.

Boys, the sh1t.

Um, Sire, I do not wish to appear ungrateful...

You're just going to have to trust your king on this one.

[inhales deeply]

[exhales deeply]

Come on, lads. Many a farm to grace... with... our royal dung.

Yah! Come on!




The time is 10:58 p.m.

Alice, you're getting it, but...

It's taking too long.

I'm not as strong as I was.

By the time I'm fully powered up, The Beast will have eaten all of our faces off.

You all are going to need something strong to hit him with.

Bigby isn't the only one who tucked away a few secrets.

Ah, ow!


The spell says it has to be tight.

Do they have to be behind me? I feel like I'm getting busted.

You can't look at your hands for 12 hours.

Okay, whoa, what is that?

I can't pronounce the name.

It's from China.

It'll keep the blood circulating, but take away a lot of the discomfort.

Wait, that feels... ah!

O... kay.

I'm wondering if maybe you could rub a little into my shoulder.

Yeah, I got a cramp.

Which one?

Both, actually.

I feel guilty.


Letting you do all the work.

I don't mind.

Still, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

I don't think you're in a position to do much.

Try me.

I might.

After you graduate.



Q, hey.


Hey, um...

I-I got your message in my bathroom mirror. It was freaky.

Look, um, I'm not supposed to tell you what I'm gonna tell you.

Okay, fine. Don't.

I just... I-I have to warn you.

You could die if you don't get clear of The Beast.

You think I don't know how dangerous he is?

No, not him. Us. We're going to kill him.

Do what you want with him but not until I get Reynard.

No, we can't wait.

You won't...

No, Jules, we can't.

I-I know that you're hurting. I just...

I-I need you to see that this is bigger than you.

The Beast, he's killing magic everywhere.

And Reynard is killing people everywhere.

Do you think that that's less important?

No, I just think that what you want here is revenge and...

And you don't?

Just don't be within 20 feet of The Beast when we make our move, okay?

Do it before I get Reynard, you better not be within 20 miles of me.

I came here to warn you and you're threatening me.

Look, I did what I had to do. I... make up your own mind.

There's something.

About the castle. He... he made some kind of joke.

He put a curse on it.

Anyone who assumes the throne.

What kind of curse?

He wouldn't say.

But I'm pretty sure it's no joke.

Okay, vague.

Mildly helpful, I guess.

It's all I got.

Thank you.


This is...

I know.

Okay, I'll see you when I see you.

See you.

[indistinct chatter]

[exhales sharply] Wow.

I owe you for real.

Good. Now this is going to take just a few minutes to fully power up.

You all are going to need something strong to hold off The Beast.

Step one... is for all of you to get very, very drunk.


You'll see.



As you grow, your name will become an important part of you.

Even the shape of the letters will connect with your will, your unique abilities.


Well, I can never get buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Are you even Jewish?

No, but options.

How much do I have to drink so that I never have to hear your voice again?


Now for the painful part.

That wasn't the painful part?

Oh, no. Professor Li?


This is a Cacodemon.


They'll grow much bigger.

Unleash these and believe me, they'll keep The Beast plenty busy.

Each of you will be given a special word to command your Cacodemon to attack.

They're a one-shot weapon, so pick your moment with care.

What are you, uh, gonna do with it?

Lift your shirt, Quentin, and turn around.


Those words never led to anything good.

Well, almost never.





Right, next.

Sire, it's working.

Oh, great.

Mm, thank you.

Thank you, my King.

No, no. Thank the hell that was my childhood.


Oh, well, [clears throat] perfect timing, for once.

[clears throat]

Your High King has agricultural tales to tell.

I give you the reign of...

King sh1t.


I figured you'd pretty much be dead without me, so...

♪ Is it an earthquake ♪
♪ Or simply a shock?

♪ Is it the good turtle soup ♪
♪ Or merely the mock? ♪

[sighs] Jesus Christ.

♪ Is it a cocktail ♪
♪ This feeling of joy ♪

He has to stop.

♪ Or is what I feel ♪
♪ The real McCoy? ♪

Ah, don't make me wait, ladies.

Are we three going to kill a god?

Yeah, for starters.

Good one.

♪ Is it Granada I see ♪
♪ Or only Asbury Park? ♪
♪ Is it a fancy ♪
♪ You lose like a glove ♪
♪ Or is it at long last love? ♪