02x03 - Divine Elimination

Previously on "The Magicians"...

[screams]

Zillion bucks says The Beast comes back any minute, so what's the plan?

Okay, so here's the thing.

I can't really touch the knife.

We need the power of a god.

I have gifted you my Bestowal. Imbibe it.

The more it burns, the less time we have.

There's a spell that seems strong enough.

These are my students.

They are in need of the Rhinemann Ultra.

No one but you can be within 20 feet of the blast.

Alice is going to take just a few minutes to fully power up.

This is a cacodemon.

It'll grow much bigger.

Unleash these, and believe me, they'll keep The Beast plenty busy.

[no audible dialogue]

Do you know what a Niffin is?

No.

It's when too much runs through you.

Only the magic is left.

Please... fix... my hands.

Go... f*ck... yourself?

I think I can help.

Wow.

I owe you for real.

You could die if you don't get clear of The Beast.

You think I don't know how dangerous he is?

No. Not him. Us.

Yeah, do what you want with him, but not until I get Reynard.

We can't merely summon him.

A god can resist.

I don't give a sh1t about getting him.

You should.

I didn't summon him.

I didn't get raped by him.

I have no skin in this.

Reynard is targeting hedges.

[all coughing]

Did you put some kind of curse on the castle?

Did I?

The spell that won World War II is called the Rhinemann Ultra?

Sounds like a not-so-great beer.

Fine, it's a beer, but it's a beer that we can use to kill The Beast.

Meanwhile, Penny comes back with cool circa-1985 wrist chains.

Yeah, super cool how they keep me from killing myself.

And then Dean Fogg gives you all matching tramp stamps?

I thought tramp stamps were supposed to be on our lower back?

God, I feel like I missed out on some crazy party you'll be talking about for the rest of your lives.

Say what you want, but we brought back weapons and a plan.

What do you have to show for yourself?

Ta... f*cking... da.

Your royal accoutrement.

This is ceremony, people, and I expect you to slather yourselves in it.

Thank you, Eliot.

I missed you all.

And I was bored.

Come. Sit.

Wait, is this really the most important thing we could be doing right now?

I mean, The Beast is still out there waiting for us...

The Beast can wait for five minutes.

You are all Kings and Queens of Fillory.

Well, almost all of you.

Just revel in your majesty for one f*cking second.

Be regal, miscreants.

Mm.

You're such a stupid, stupid, man.

I'm gonna kill you in your sleep.

[indistinct whispering]

El... El... El, you okay?

Totally fine, why?

It's just... you went away there for a minute.

Nonsense. I feel great.

Have a seat.

I'm kind of on a clock here, so we should talk strategy.

Yeah, we already talked strategy, so we just need to catch you up.

You've been planning without me?

Yeah... when we were on Earth.

What did you think we were doing?

[laughing]

Eliot, we're not trying to exclude you.

You just weren't there.

No. No, I wasn't, was I?

Don't think I don't see how this works.

You disappear. You come back.

Matching tattoos, and now you're three against one.

I know exactly what you're planning.

Don't touch me.

Sweetie?

You kind of sound insane.

Do I?

Because I promise you...I will not go down easily.

Oo-surpers.

Usurpers. [sighs]

Whichever way you're supposed to pronounce it.

What just happened?

He got like this on shrooms once.

I'll go talk to him.

[sighs]

I just remembered something that Julia said, and it's starting to make a lot of sense.

You talked to that bitch?

Yes, he did.

It was a warning. Something The Beast said.

Uh... God, of course. It makes sense.

I mean, he'd want to booby-trap his kingdom, right?

So apparently, he left curses behind.

Here, actually.

So you think Eliot might be cursed?

I mean, she was vague, but I mean...

Did either of you notice that Eliot started acting strangely once he took a drink from the goblet?

I mean, it could be poison or a potion.

All right, well, we probably shouldn't drink from ours just to be safe.

Or maybe it was just some primo Fillorian sh1t that went up his nose, and he's on the bad end of a trip because he's him.

Did something happen to you?

Nope. Nothing.

I'm fine... Penny.

Wait. And now you're doing it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I mean like Eliot.

You're acting all tweaky and sh1t.

[both]: We're fine.

Clearly.

Look, I think we can all agree that we have a problem here.

Eliot.

He's High King. He's cursed.

We have no choice but...

We have to kill him.

Exactly.

The thrones.

They're both cursed.

This is hard for you. I get that.

It's hard for us too.

But it must be done.

[both]: For Fillory.

But don't tell Quentin...

I'm going to have to kill him too.

Right after Margo.

Margo?

Margo.

Margo. Margo. Margo. We got a serious problem, okay?

I know. Eliot's cursed.

No, no. Not just Eliot. Alice and Quentin too.

Listen, whatever you do, do not sit on your throne, okay?

Fine. Whatevs. I have a plan.

You gonna help me pick these?

What's this? An antidote?

Exactly. For the poison.

For the... what?

For the poison.

I have to drink it first, or I won't get Eliot to take it.

Jesus. You're acting like this is your first regicide.

Also, it's not the thrones that are cursed.

I sat on mine, and I'm totally fine.

You sat on your...

f*ck...

Great. No, it's good.

Okay.

Stop.

This'll be over soon.

I'll deal with Eliot and Alice and Q.

You're welcome.

sh1t.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

So, this is our little fox trap, huh?

Yeah.

So, you want to tell me where you hooked up with your partner?

The Dirty Dozen?

Ah. Fillory.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Listen, I'm here. I want to help.

But that asshole seems like severe psychic damage.

Look, I get it, okay?

But he knows a spell to freeze a god.

I mean, you can't find that at your local safe house.

Look, I have survived this long on my instincts, and every one of them is telling me that he is bad news.

He's gonna turn on me.

Or you. Or both of us.

He can't, okay? We have an agreement.

Word as bond.

Those are tough to break.

But if anyone could, it's someone who could freeze a god.

Are you girls discussing the nature of our agreement?

Marina was just asking.

Straightforward.

I betray her, she cuts me to the quick.

So, tell me, what happens after the tenets of the agreement are met?

Why worry? You'll be long gone by then.

So, tell me. Are we ready?

Yeah.

♪ A-hunting we will go, a-hunting we will go ♪
♪ We'll catch a fox and put him in a box ♪
♪ And then we'll let him go ♪

What? Those are the lyrics.

[The Beast whistling]

Benedict, right?

I need your help.

What do you do here again?

Royal mapmaker, sire.

Is your problem cartographical in nature?

Not really.

What I need, Benedict, is a dagger.

A stiletto, really.

Something I can sneak up and stab someone with.

But regal.

I make maps, Your Majesty.

Well,... surely, someone has snuck into your office and dramatically stabbed a knife into a map to make a point, no?

The other Kings and Queens who died... we'd always just thought it was just infighting.

Greed and power.

Guess what? It's just another horrible thing The Beast was responsible for, so how do we reverse this?

[sighs] Curses are tricky.

You don't say.

They usually end once they've run their course.

And not before.

That doesn't help us.

This one seems to want to run its course until they're all dead.

sh1t. Dead.

I have an idea.

Okay.

Do not let them kill each other, okay?

Mm-hmm.

[whoosh]

[sarcastically] I call on you.

Our Lady Underground.

As a child of the Earth...

I seek you, O Mother.

Hey.

Mm?

Do me a favor and just believe it.

A benevolent Mommy who will solve my problems with her Gaia power?

Yeah. Or Reynard won't show.

You realize I don't even own a pair of yoga pants.

So act.

[dramatic music]

I seek to know you, Divine Mother.

Giver of life and light.

I ask to gaze upon you.

To hear your voice.

To feel the beating heart of you.

I beseech you. Hear me now.

What happened? Where are we?

A park. Few blocks away.

Is this a joke? Take us back now.

Well, we can't go back.

Reynard's scented you before.

If he smells you again, he won't show.

If you want him, you might just have to risk losing your bait.

I'm sorry. You're saying this now?

Well, if I'd told you before, would you have agreed to it?

Fine. I'll walk.

Oh, excellent idea.

By the time we arrive, he'll be so engrossed in Marina's evisceration, he won't even realize we're there.

You're good.

[whistling]

I ask to gaze upon you. To hear your voice.

To feel the beating heart of you.

I ask to gaze upon you! To hear your voice!

To feel the beating heart of you!

Oh, you've got to be f*cking kidding.

f*ck this noise.

[laughing]

What's so funny?

You with a crossbow.

You couldn't hit a fat girl with a fat-girl-seeking arrow.

Oh, don't give me that look.

It's a figure of speech.

No way in hell I'll miss you from this range.

Well, if you use that arrow as good as you use your dick...

You enchanted yourself, didn't you?

I'm not an idiot.

Margo says go free.

[hissing and sizzling]

Oh, f*ck...

Jesus Christ.

Penny says go free.

[demonic growling]

♪ ♪

Aah!

[coughing]

You just had to let him save you, huh?

You're such a girl.

You know, I would like to see you dead regardless of your gender.

Shut up. Both of you.

I'm gonna take you someplace safe, but if I have to shoot you to get you there, I will make sure it hurts.

Gee, thanks, but I'm enchanted.

Aah!

Your enchantment's weak.

Aah!

You shot me, you cock.

Why didn't you shoot her in the neck? The carotid is right there.

Don't fret.

If Reynard had killed Marina, don't you think there'd be lots of little Marina bits lying around?

She ran.

I don't think she even finished the spell.

We're gonna have to start this all over again, and now we've lost Marina.

I don't even know how we're supposed to do...

Don't be so hasty.

Are you absolutely sure it didn't work?

If I were your fox god, I might just, say, follow her home rather than kill her on the spot.

You knew this was going to happen.

Why do you think I took you out of there?

Chin up. If I'm right, our little summoning worked.

We just need to find foxy before he's finished with his prey, n'est-ce pas?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

You just locked us both inside, you know?

You must be Marina.

sh1t. Her wards are up.

We can't get inside.

Can you break them?

Aha. Here.

That's one.

Settle in. This may take a bit.

Bad news... you're cursed.

Good news... I think there's a way out.

Does it involve your beheading?

'Cause that's the ending I'm voting for right now.

I second that. My ass still hurts.

Enough!

Listen.

I can't stop the curse, so the plan is we're gonna let it run its course.

By killing you. All of you.

No likey.

What's to likey?

The part where you're dead sounds perfect.

Shut up.

Now, I took a little trip to get supplies.

Oh, goody. Heroin.

I always suspected this was how I'd go.

Potassium chloride will shut down the heart.

Adrenaline will kick-start it.

You die. Curse ends. I revive you.

Except what if any part of that plan doesn't work?

Look, asshole. You don't like my idea, why don't you go find someone else to save your annoying f*cking life?

I have about a thousand better things to do with my day.

What the hell?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

My fingers are a little numb due to the anti-curse things.

Well, that's just perfect.

It's fine.

Uh, it's fine.

So, are we still hostages or what?

Yes. Yes, you are.

Would you point that thing at their f*cking heads?

Everyone please, please just stand in your corners and just quietly...

Dang it, Margo.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

You're dead.

I suppose this is one way to get the killing bit over with?

Yeah.

This is what I was planning.

The wards around this place were deceptively advanced.

I'm impressed. You have talent.

I bet you say that to all the girls right before you rape them, kill them, and eat their hearts.

You wear that cynicism so stylishly.

It's too bad I know it's a lie.

Is it?

No true cynic would call to the Goddess.

That must hurt, to know she wasn't listening.

On the plus side, I was.

Listen, I love the foreplay.

It's hot. It really is.

But just get it over with and kill me...

[straining]

All in good time.

You know, it doesn't take Freud to see that a god who likes to prey on chicks is compensating for a lack of... something.

What even are you?

God of Goat Herding?

Grapes?

Oh, wait. Is it Manure?

I bet you love coming here and f*cking with mortals 'cause back home in god-land, you barely rank.

Watch your mouth, or I'll slice out your tongue, and I'll eat it in front of you.

You're really not getting the message that you don't scare me.

Oh, I think I do scare you.

♪ ♪

So rare for someone to try to summon Our Lady on their own.

You're all alone, aren't you?

There's... no else in your life.

Seriously?

Trying to hurt my feelings?

And the best you can come up with is "why couldn't you find a man?"

Is anyone really gonna miss you?

I tip the pizza guy pretty well.

Hmm Ah...

You're not totally alone.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Aww Cupcake?

What a cutie she is.

You witches and your familiars.

Hmm. You don't care for people, but you do love her, don't you?

Don't be stupid.

She's just a dumb cat. Put her down.

No. I'd like to pet her.

[cat shrieking]

[bones cracking, guts squishing]

[cat moaning]

Oh. Look at that.

I think she might still be alive.

That's funny.

Uh-uh.

No magic.

Aah!

[whimpering]

See?

So much more fun to be had.

What's the rush?

[grunting and straining]

[Eliot grunts]


Ha! I won, bitches. I'm High motherfucking Queen.

Get the other needles. Hurry.

Hey! Stay back.

Margo, we don't have time for this.

We got to revive 'em now.

What's best in life, Penny?

What?

What's best in life?

I don't know.

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.

Come at me, farm girl.

That's one thorough f*cking curse.

Is it wrong to say I find her death extremely satisfying?

Okay, come on. I need your help.

[gasping]

Oh, my God.

What the hell?

Welcome back. Loser.

Do you want me to get that?

Aah...

It's time.

Don't know how long I'll have to cast the Rhinemann.

Ugh. Eliot's right. It's a stupid name.

And I wish I had a beer.

That really doesn't look right.

Does it require me playing Rachmaninoff?

If not... we're fine.

Look, you still got to grab The Beast.

What happens if you take the bracelets off?

That's a bad idea.

Well, then, how are you...

All I have to do is touch him, right?

So I'll tackle his ass, okay?

Well, we are down two cacodemons.

Any ideas how to slow up The Beast now?

Actually, we only have one.

I let mine go.

Oh, Jesus. Come on.

I could feel it. Alive and in my skin.

I couldn't stand the idea of it being trapped in there.

Shocking no one.

Just leave her alone.

It's not like you have yours. I do, so...

Because you were too much of a pussy to use it.

I got this, Q.

Okay. Idea.

Do you guys remember the Sumerian shield charm we learned in PA?

Like, to keep you safe from shattered glass or something?

It's a simple spell, but that doesn't mean it's not powerful.

Especially if all three of us are casting it.

Use a first-year spell to stop The Beast?

That sounds like suicide.

Which I've already tried today, and no, thank you.

Next.

No. No. There is no next.

We are running out of time and options and god jizz.

Look, just imagine dicks, okay?

With one dick, you're just jerking yourself off, but with three dicks, suddenly you've got six people having s*x.

Which is more powerful?

I think your metaphor literally doesn't make any f*cking sense.

It doesn't have to.

It just distracted you long enough for Alice to power up the spell, which is all the shield charm has to do.

I see what you did there.

Struck a nerve, didn't I?

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

I fell asleep for a moment.

You ever eat something still alive?

Can't say that I have.

Civilized species and all.

You're missing out.

I recommend starting at the far end, so you can enjoy the fear.

It's chemical.

You can taste it. The fear.

Not to mention the look on your face. It's priceless.

So why don't you and I...

[door clicks open]

Apologies for the tardiness.

You wards are rather extensive.

[panting]

[spits]

Are we ready?

Hey.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

[whooshing]

He's fighting the net.

Not sure how much longer I can hold this.

Jesus Christ, Julia, would you please just gut this guy?

With pleasure.

No! No...

[gasps]

[warbling tone]

[straining]

Now!

Julia.

Blow that bitch up!

Let's go.

Move!

[whooshing]

[explosions]

[warbling tone]

No!

I missed him! I missed him!

I missed him! I missed him!

I had Reynard.

He was right in front of me.

Yeah, and then you screwed up our plan again.

She just grabbed me.

No, you all don't understand.

I had Reynard. I had The Beast.

f*ck this. We're out.

Get off me!

Where are we? Where did you take me?

Subway's that way.

Good luck with your bullshit.

Hey. Take me back.

I need him.

I need The Beast to kill Reynard.

Reynard has the knife.

I can't do it without The Beast.

It's not my problem.

Oh, sh1t.

Duck!

sh1t...

What the hell?

The chain was the only thing keeping my hand from f*cking...

Put it back on.

I can't!

It's a ritual, and I don't have any...

Oh, no.

Get...

Thank you.

Yeah. No problem.

You f*cking...

Sorry.

Not my problem.

f*ck.

[ominous droning]

[grunting and groaning]

He's injured. Where else would he be?

He has to be at the Wellspring.

The Royal Carriage can get there in under an hour.

Okay, but if he can just blip in...

Well, hopefully, his accuracy isn't at its best right now.I know mine wouldn't be.

Well, if those horses get us there before The Beast, I'll gladly f*ck them both.

Hey. Shh. Careful. Volume.

I think those are talking horses.

Offer stands.

[both nicker]

Hey, can you still do this?

I don't know.

What choice do we have?

Okay, we should send El and Margo for help.

Wait, you don't want us on the suicide mission with you?

Ember's temple is nearby, so just go and petition him for a re-up.

Just in case Alice and I...

Fail? Die?

Sorry. Reflex.

Okay. Fine. We'll go.

[horses nicker]

Hey. Thought exercise.

Say we kill The Beast. Ahh... what then?

Quentin, I don't know.

It's just... it's a distraction.

Come on.

[sighs]

Um... [clears throat]

I would...

I'd eat an ice cream sundae.

With whipped cream and... those fake rainbow-colored sprinkles and... gummy bears on top.

I'm probably gonna try and win you back.

Jesus, Quentin.

I'm sorry. That just sort of flew out of my mouth.

You know, I'm not a prize.

I know that, but you know what I mean.

No, and you didn't just lose me like keys.

I know, which is why I feel like I need to earn back your trust.

This isn't fair.

You can't trap me in here.

You can't trap me in here and expect me to deal with all this heavy emotional sh1t when all I can handle right now... all I can handle right now is a goddamn ice cream sundae, okay?

It's not a trap.

Yes, it is, and why does it sound like you're trying to fight with me?

Look. You've changed. Okay.

You are not the girl that I met a million years ago.

You are amazing.

And not that you weren't amazing before, but...

Quentin, where are you going with this?

You've grown.

And you're still growing, and my point is that I am too.

Are you saying you're "not that guy anymore"?

No, I'm saying that I'm not just that guy anymore, and I think that you...I hope that you give me the opportunity to be better and actually deserve you.

And I know that that sounds stupid, but I just...

I feel like we could die in, like, an hour, and it's giving me a lot of clarity right now.

I don't know what to say, Quentin.

Also, I'm gonna make you the best ice cream sundae you've ever had.

You're gonna forget Popper 1, and I'm even gonna put gummy bears on it, even though you don't understand how absolutely disgusting that is.

Quentin.

I'm sorry. I just was in the moment.

Do you still want to fight?

No.

Ember!

Come out!

Hello?

I'm pretty sure Q said the whole blood-stone thing works right away.

Fine. Give me your hand.

Just...

Oh, come on.

Ow. That kind of stings.

Poor baby.

Great.

Well, now we're both bleeding.

Maybe Ember isn't home.

He's a god-in-exile.

Where else could he be?

I don't know.

[labored breathing]

Oh, God.

[door creaking]

Ah!

Greetings, oh, powerful and glorious Martin Chatwin.

My goodness. Only half the man I remember.

You know what happens if you stay in Fillory.

I know, I know. I'm leaving.

I'm going. I just had one or two things to do.

Mainly number two.

I have befouled the Wellspring.

Pardon me?

I have left my divine elimination in the font of all magic.

And it's a stinker.

I really hope you weren't planning to drink from it.

It's hardly potable.

You... what?

Left my leavings... a godly floater... behind.

In the Wellspring.

I pooped in it.

Am I not making this very clear?

You wretched b*st*rd.

I know your true game.

I know exactly every twist, you... you stinking man-sheep!

Oh, my heavens. Look at the time.

I really should be going, although technically, I already went.

[bleating laugh]

I never tire of these jokes. Ta!

Oh! Oh!

[gagging]

Oh!

You stinking man-sheep!

You're no god!

You're no god! You're a farm animal!

Ember actually took a sh1t in the Wellspring?

You're a farm animal!

Well, that can't be good for Fillory.

Quentin Coldwater!

sh1t.

Why don't you and Alice come join me?

Mm.

You're weaker.

And you're down six fingers.

[laughs]

More than enough to kill you both.

Hard to cast when you're sliced in two.

[knife slices]

[groaning]

Quentin!

You're a tough piece of meat, aren't you?

No matter.

[grunts]

Aah!

Ahh!

[grunting]

I guess we're gonna die.

To our pretty corpses.

Children of Earth! I have returned.

Spank my cheeks. You're both royalty.

How delightful.

You have come here to beseech me?

Well, yes.

We have come to beseech your uhm... aid.

Of course! You shall have it.

Oh. Oh, but then you're going to miss it.

Miss what?

All the action.

Between you and me, I think Alice should make this a very good show.

No promises, though.

Cheerio! Happy ruling!

No...

Ember, we...

Great. Kicked us out before we could even ask for the jizz.

Margo, look.

♪ ♪

Is that all you got?

You're not even a real magician, are you, Martin?

You're just a scared little boy.

You wouldn't last an hour at Brakebills.

[both panting]

[growling]

[screams]

Ahh!

Jesus.

Alice is going full "Harry Potter" part seven/eight over there.

Oh, God. I hope we're winning.

Damn it.

♪ ♪

Alice, what are you doing?

[warbling tone]

No. Alice, don't. Stop, it'll...

What is she doing?

She can't. She'll Niffin out.

This is not good, Alice.

[grunting]

Alice, stop!

It's okay.

I've got this, Quentin.

Alice, no!

[whimpering]

Alice!

[Alice screaming]

No!

[The Beast laughing]

Oops.

Too far.

Too bad.

Let's finally finish this.

♪ ♪

I did it on purpose.

Move.

Let's go.

We have to go.

Go on.

Something you want to say?

Alice.

We can make a deal.

Think of the fun we could have together.

You don't have to...

But I want to.

♪ ♪

Disappointing.

Your turn.

Alice!

♪ ♪

You got her attention. Now what?

I'm sorry for all the times I was a total dick to you.

You're talking like you mean something to me.

Okay. Just...

Alice. Don't.

[both panting]

Go back.

Quentin says go free.

[demonic growling]

[Alice screaming]

f*ck.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

f*ck.

Alice.

[groaning]

Alice.

[moaning in pain]

Alice. Hey. Hey.

Q, stop. You're hurt.

Alice. Hey.

You have to stop.

Come on. She might be alive.

Just stop.

She might be alive.

You have to stop.

Q, you have to stop.

[crying]

You have to stop.

You have to stop.

[Quentin sobbing]