02x05 - Cheat Day

Previously on "The Magicians"...

You may address me as Reynard the Fox, trickster of the faithful, the very stupid.

[grunting]

You must be Marina.

I need you to tell me about the thing that killed you.

There was a girl.

40 years ago, she vanished Reynard from Earth.

Charlie, my brother, he was really, really good.

You know that spell I did on the first day of class with the glass horse? He taught me that.

I fell for this professor. He was married.

I thought I could make him love me again if I could make myself prettier.

I really believed he might actually be able to undo what I did.

It burned until he wasn't there anymore.

I gave up magic and never looked back.

[yelping]

[screaming]

No!

Alice is gone.

There's a creature, she's called the White Lady.

I want my hands back.

No!

Alice Quinn. Bring her back to life.

I can't.

Is there nothing else you desire?

Send me home.

I spoke with Professor Lipson about the tests she ran.

But I'm sorry to say that we don't even know where to start.

Okay, is this a normal candle or what--

Of course.

You cure your own hands just fine, but mine, you can't do a f*cking thing about, huh?

Broken or not, my hands are my hands.

Yours are something else.

There's nothing we can do.

And Brakebills continues its tradition of f*cking my sh1t.

There's nothing we can do here.

There are other options.

One, I send you to someone who may know more.

Yes. Who is it?

Professor Mayakovsky.

The drunk perv in the igloo?

Pass.

What's option two?

Hmm, well, you won't have to worry about your hands or magic at all.

It's actually where I sent Quentin.

Where's Quentin?

So we finally get to the cashier and guess what.

Hmm?

I left my wallet in the car.

Oh, man.

Talk about bad timing.

Yeah.

Hey, does Donut House, does that taste like donuts?

I just use that thing for soup.

Soup?

What the f*ck?

[computer chimes]

[eerie music]

[wind howling]

[metal clanging, hammering]

Hello?

[clanging, hammering]

Professor Mayakovsky?

[whooshing]

Shh--

Hey! Hey, let me down!

I'm a student!

[clanging, hammering]

Dick.

"Chicago Register." July '76.

You know, dead or not, Marina could have been a little more specific.

I still don't know what I'm looking for.

Look, banishing Reynard had to take an insane amount of energy.

So any sort of strange event or operation.

Yeah, that's literally the definition of "news."

We'll know it when we see it.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I need some fuel.

[sighs] Okay.

[gags]

You okay?

[coughing]

Is that the second time today?

Third.

Here.

Oh, God, Jules, I--

f*ck!

Hey.

f*ck.

Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, sit.

Why?

Why won't it just end?

Why does it just keep getting worse and worse?

I'm so sorry.

Whatever's-- what's the spell to terminate it or whatever?

I mean, there's stuff out there, but it's all shady, Dark Ages sh1t from before modern medicine.

You don't cauterize a paper cut with a crazy, medieval blowtorch.

Sounds like exactly what I wanna do.

Not if it erases your uterus and kidneys along with the fetus.

Jesus.

Hey, it's--it's okay.

Jules, this is a simple, totally mundane procedure.

Is it? 'Cause it might not be a simple, totally mundane human embryo.

I mean--

I don't even know if it's Reynard's or Richard's.

Right now, it is just a clump of cells.

Okay, so, let's just put a pin in all this, okay?

We'll make an appointment.

Your Majesty. It's ready.

At the very least, I hope you solved the carbonation issue.

We had to dump that last glass in another world, you know.

Still bubbling.

Oh, the miles we must walk.

My King. I have the best news.

If that rabbit was a prosecco, I'd agree.

This isn't just a rabbit.

Pregnant.

Jesus.

We're going to be parents.

That rabbit knows if you're--

Pregnant.

Okay, okay.

You're not smiling.

I'm sorry.

It's just--you see--

Pregnant.

Okay, rabbit! Chill.

Ah, ah! Where do you think you're going?

It may suck all the moisture from my tongue, but damned if I'm not going to toast to this sh1t.

To our violently attractive progeny.

[gulps]

Hey, yo! Yo, let me down, okay?

What the f*ck is this sh1t?

What do you want?

My hands can't cast spells anymore.

This is not Mayakovsy's Home for Magically Inert.

But maybe an exchange.

What do you got in mind?

I'm in the middle of project.

Help me, I do what I can.

I'm in.

Okay.

[fingers snap]

[thud]

Is everybody out here really so lifeless?

Yes. We are, we are. That's why we drink.

Well, I drink just fine as a Magician.

Yeah, because your world was so overwhelming and scary and you needed a break from it all.

Now you're gonna drink because each day is so goddamn dull and that takes a lot more booze.

You ever cast anymore?

God, no.

Sorry, that was stupid.

No, it's okay.

I mean, nobody ever gives up magic because everything's peachy.

You wanna tell me?

Uh--

I'm sorry.

No. I shouldn't have asked.

I can see that it's recent.

It's f*cking madness.

Teaching that stuff to kids. I mean...kids.

It's like, what's the point? You know?

'Cause it feels like for every one thing that we fix, five shitty things spring up in its place.

Because each spell is just another complication.

That we cast another spell to fix.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Until there's no spell left and you're just-- you're left with--

A big f*cking problem.

Oh, sh1t. I have a meeting in 15.

Ooh.

[light whooshing]

I'm sorry. That was just reflex.

Uh, that--I--um...

Just--just put this on the company card.

They won't notice.

[sighs]

I am happy.

Yay, a baby.

Eliot, what is this about?

I really wanna know.

[sighs] My father was not the best...

Wine, Your Majesty.

Bad dad.

So I suppose I don't exactly have the proper, uh, uh... template to--

Ahh!

[screams]

Quiet!

You are not welcome here, child of Earth.

Eliot!

[groaning]

[grunting]

Wait.

This is not over, child of Earth.

Dungeon.

What the hell was that about?

I tried expressing my emotions.

Lesson learned.

Shittiest security ever.

So what are we supposed to do?

Ship 'em back to Loria?

Actually, Your Highness, he's not from Loria.

He's a native Fillorian.

My own people are trying to kill me?

Hmm. So French.

They're commoners. Not to worry.

Oh, whoa, whoa. I'm worried.

I urge a public execution, today.

Might I suggest strangulation?

For the symbolism.

We don't wish to fall to his level.

The Bed of a Thousand Spikes should do just fine.

[whispering indistinctly]

Her Slowness suggests tying each of his limbs to a centaur, and as they stretch him, inch by inch, a fifth centaur sets the spike, if you will.

Jesus, no.

Everyone out. This is a matter for the Queen and me.

That sloth is psychotic.

It's all psychotic. [sighs]

Did you hear how Tick said "commoners"?

When we're the least snobby people in a room, there's something wrong with the room.

[knocking]

Yes?

I wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry, um...

Okay.

What?

I just--I don't know if you accepted my apology.

Yes.

Okay.

Actually, no.

No, I don't.

We had just talked about how terrible magic is, and then you went and did it.

It was just a tiny spell.

There are a lot of companies like this.

I'm sure Fogg can find another one for you.

[sighs]

Okay.

[mouse clicking]

They're useless, right?

Well, maybe not useless.

You can still grab hold of things, wave hello, rub away a lonely night.

Okay, but for magic?

For magic? Useless.

How was your travel?

Fine.

Aim's good. I just can't take people with me.

Some might call that blessing.

Yeah, well the option would be nice, so--

I mean, can you help me? What are we doing here?

I can help you.

But first, your end of deal.

Take out all the knots.

What the hell?

Ms. Wicker.

Uh, Julia.

The test was positive.

If you'd like, we can discuss your options.

I want an abortion.

Okay.

That's something that we can perform here in office.

Great. Uh, today?

Unfortunately, we do have a waiting list, but it should just be a couple of days.

Days?

Doctor, I can't wait a couple of days.

Please, I--

If I suspect abuse, I'm obligated to report it.

Julia, you're safe here.

You can talk about what happened.

No one is above the law.

[laughs]

Ah, sorry.

I wish that were true.

Look, I just want this to be over, and you can help me.

Please.

Okay.

We'll set you up for an ultrasound today.

Tomorrow, you can perform the procedure.

We open at 8:00.

Thank you.

See you then.

[door clicks closed]

Hi.

Leave.

You don't get to say that.

And why not?

Uh, because you're in our castle.

Which is on my land.

Uh, excuse me, my manners.

I'm Eliot, High King of Fillory.

And I'm Bayler, a proud soldier of Fillorians United.

A FU fighter.

Did you say, "Foo Fighter"?

Margo, behave.

We will not rest until a Fillorian sits upon the throne.

Okay, tell Ember.

He issued the decree.

We will execute every child of Earth that crosses into our land until there are none left to kill.

[laughs]

And yet, you laugh.

I mean, a Foo Fighter?

Margo.

If we execute him, then he's a martyr.

sh1t.

When was the last time either of us dealt with a political insurgency?

Unless getting kicked out of a fivesome counts.

First for me.

Same.

I'm thinking we should probably bone up.

Like, study?

I'll grab what I can from the Brakebills Library.

[groans] Fine.

And grab some Adderall while you're there.

Okay, I'm done.

Oh, sh1t! What? Do not--don't--please-- don't sneak up on me like that.

This is my house.

Look, I finished untying your bondage kit.

You gonna teach me now?

You finish first step.

Next...the table.

What about it?

You make it sawdust.

Do not worry. I give you tool.

Enjoy.

[sputters]

What are you still doing here?

I'm just finishing up.

Gonna jerk it?

Break in the office?

No.

What? No, I'm--

It's the only place I can.

Wife and two kids? No privacy at home.

I'm not doing that... here.

Just saying. It's no judgment.

Adios.


[door rattles closed]

I owe you an apology for being a bitch.

Could you knock, please?

[knocks]

What? Were you m*st*rb*t*ng in your office?

No!

Whatever. I do.

What is this place?

[sighs]

I'm sorry, again, about the spell, I--

I'm sorry for making you feel sorry.

It was just a stupid spell.

Thank you.

Want some?

Vodka. Bit of lime.

You should stay.

Forget what I said earlier.

I think we'd be good friends.

I would like that.

What the hell are we still doing in the office?

Right? Let's get out of here.

Mm.

Finish that.

Come on.

Okay.

Yes!

[file scraping]

Take a break.

No trick, no test. I promise.

That's it?

Take your balls out of your purse and drink.

No, if we're gonna talk about what we did, then we have to call it what it is.

It's stupid. It's so f*cking stupid.

It's the stupidest I've ever f*cking been.

Reynard set us up.

Yeah, but I should have known better.

You know, I knew the difference between magic and miracles.

One is real and one is a lie with sparkles.

Like a nice female god was gonna glide in and save--

It sounds so naive to ever believe in that.

Look, there is one way through this, and that is to find out what happened 40 years ago.

Yeah, and banish the f*ck out of Reynard.

Yeah, so let's just get this pesky abortion out of the way, and that's next on the list.

I know this is a straightforward procedure.

It's probably, you know, the simplest thing I've had to deal with in months.

But I am nervous.

I had one.

He was a drummer.

And he said he couldn't get it up with a condom.

But--

I--I remember the night before.

It--I felt...

I felt lonely.

Yeah.

But you're not alone.

I'm your best bitch, remember?

Yeah.

Okay, your turn. Truth or dare.

Truth.

Do you still blame yourself?

sh1t. Okay.

Sorry, no.

I think I'm drunker than I think I am.

Was that a sentence?

No, I said truth.

So do you know what happened?

I mean, just what Alice told me.

That you changed your face for a professor and it got screwed up and Charlie tried to save you.

Yeah, that's the gist.

How is Alice?

Uh, Alice is dead.

I don't blame myself.

Except for when I first wake up... and when I go to bed and all the time in between.

Your turn.

Dare.

Dare.

[laughs]

[laughs]

My dare is to smoke weed?

It's very middle school.

Oh, oh.

Do you know-- do you know Weizenheim's Third?

It's a tiny, little weather suspension spell.

I thought you didn't--

I don't.

This doesn't count.

Today's a cheat day.

Right.

Oh, the trick to this one is that you enchant your lips.

And you're a smoke artiste.

Mm. Okay.

Your turn.

Don't, like, burn yourself.

Okay, how do you do it?

Oh, um...

Okay, let me.

[laughs]

You're a f*cking dork.

[laughs]

You're just jealous that I'm such a quick study.

[clears throat]

Yeah.

Okay.

What is that?

[whispers] This one's my favorite.

That's my favorite, too.

Ooh!

Come on in.

Okay.

[whistles] Emily Greenstreet, living the loft life, huh?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Wine opener?

One of those drawers. One of the--

Wine opener.

Ahh, wine opener, wine opener.

Hey.

I wanna do a spell.

Why don't we keep drinking and make some really, really bad decisions?

That sounds, I don't know, kind of fun.

Yeah. You'll like it.

Mm.

Come on.

Cheat day.

The defenestration of Prague.

No, you already said that.

There were two.

Mm.

Look, any hope you had of saving this guy is out the window.

Like the guys in Prague.

sh1t.

Eliot, we said we'd do whatever actually works.

Fine. We'll tell the council in the morning.

But I'll do it.

The man's life is my burden to bear.

Get over yourself, Ned Stark.

Ned Stark.

Do you even like magic?

Yeah, like...

Like I like money or food or any other useful sh1t.

Money and food don't explode in your face.

You came to Brakebills only to ease your suffering.

The voices. It was all chore and burden.

But you saved yourself, traveler.

Good.

Maybe you're simply done.

Now's your chance. Walk away.

Why? Chance at what?

Few years of happy life.

[laughs]

There is bad surprise in store for everyone.

What surprise?

Energy current should be constant.

But it's not. Why?

There is something happening to magic.

The wellspring in Fillory.

The current is sputtering.

And they're trying to fix it.

Maybe it's going to disappear.

If that's the case...

sh1t could get real.

If magic goes, it will be very bad time to be Magician, so consider the advantage of getting out now.

All right. Okay, thank you.

I'll meditate on it. I...

Right now, I'm staying.

Then you're just fancy scarf wrapped around an idiot.

You know what? If it's so bad, you get out!

You leave, I'll leave.

I cannot leave. Thanks for reminder.

What--what, you're trapped here?

Remarkably like that.

Incorporate bond.

Even I cannot break.

Why?

What did you do?

I'm not drunk enough to talk about it.

Okay!

I make love to many students.

And then I f*cked the wrong one.

Oops.

They sent you here? God.

It was that...

Or give up magic.

Like you're telling me to.

Yes.

I made my choice.

[bang]

Wakey, wakey.

You have 15 minutes to save your life.

Tell me, if you were in charge, how would the FU Fighters fix Fillory?

It's an illusion spell.

Party trick, really. It'll only last as long as your skin's wet.

You first.

Yeah. You know, this is the weirdest foreplay.

Oh, my God. Stop.

Robe off!

[laughs]

Whoa, what is that?

Oh, right, uh...

You joined some kinda gang?

Yes.

Okay.

Hop in.

[laughs]

[speaking Coptic]

[Quentin's voice] Did it work?

Oh, sh1t.

Don't judge me, please.

I'm not. I'm just putting it all together.

You, Charlie.

That's why he's at Brakebills South.

I mean, I had a lot of theories.

Shh.

You're ruining it.

Just tell me what you think when you look at me.

And can you maybe try a Russian accent?

You didn't wanna...

This is what I miss the most.

So... your turn.

[water running]

It's her.

[Emily's voice] It's your memories.

Well? Anything you wanna say?

I just really f*cking miss you.

[light music]

[sighs]

What... [knocking] is that?

Yeah.

Um, hey, I-- I've gotta get home.

Um...

I had a good time.

You don't have to go. We can do it again.

You said yesterday was cheat day.

You can't...

You can't cheat every day.

I won't tell.

[sighs] No, I don't want to.

So, what, you're... done with me?

I--I was helping you.

That's not what I said.

Tell me, then. What are you saying?

Last night was...

It felt really good, and it was...

Probably exactly what I needed, but I...

It was also really weird and sad and I feel awful.

I feel worse than before.

Apologies for my terrible life.

I just don't wanna use magic like that.

I'm sorry for everything you lost.

I'll see you at work.

[door thuds closed]

It is after much deliberation that I have decided... we will not execute the prisoner.

What?

Your Majesty, I'm--

[whispering indistinctly]

It is in Fillory's best interest.

We agreed to have the prisoner executed today.

We did. But I changed my mind.

Well, I didn't.

And I'm High Queen.

The Queen may voice her opinion, but ultimate judgment belongs to the King.

So this is what the patriarchy smells like?

It's not the freshest.

You are a king. Act like it.

I'm not just a king.

Fen's pregnant.

[people murmuring]

I'm gonna be a father.

Mm.

And I would like to raise my child in a world that does not just kill its problems away.

We hear them and we address them accordingly.

That is f*cking stupid.

You wanna rule a kingdom? Guess what.

People are gonna die no matter what.

Just trying to make sure that it isn't you, okay?

Julia, I'll check you in.

Dr. Higgins will be ready shortly.

Okay. [sighs]

I'm sorry, you're not in here.

Excuse me?

You don't have an appointment.

The doctor gave me one. I mean, there must be a mistake.

I'm sorry, but without an appointment, I can't let you in.

Look, it's Wicker. Julia Wicker.

You just said my name two seconds ago.

Can you just pick up the phone and ask her?

Doctor, there's a woman claiming she's a patient.

No, she doesn't.

Uh, Julia Wicker.

But, Doctor--

Okay.

You can go ahead.

Yeah, thanks.

I'll be right here.

No geese!

Oh.

[groans] Phew.

You finish table. Good work.

Yeah, so can we get to this?

Enough "Karate Kid" bullshit.

Not bullshit.

Ask yourself a question: What will a Magician need if dark days come?

Answer: magic.

But if it is gone, it is gone, you say.

Not so, if you store it like a battery.

That's what I am building.

Those knots?

Old class project, tied with magic.

That table, stained through with magic.

You release the energy, I store it for rainy day.

So my hands, are you gonna teach me or what?

You can travel to Fillory.

It's the worst place in the universe, yeah.

You go there. Get this.

Moss. You need moss.

It's amazing. Can carry current.

Do not care.

I'll get it.

[chuckles]

Gods, it's good to see you.

You asshole!

You come here with no warning and try to kill my husband.

Of course I did.

I thought you were waiting.

I'm not a FU Fighter anymore.

You always knew that one day I'd have to--

Marry him, yes, and then you'd be here, on the inside.

You can't tell me that you don't care about Fillory anymore.

I'm pregnant.

Then for the child.

What?

All I ask is you get us information we need to--

Bayler!

Did I say "ask"?

I meant help us.

Or I go to your king and tell him exactly how well I know his wife.

Then I'll tell him myself.

Word travels fast about the High King.

Emotional.

Easily wounded.

Try it and see.

Or help the cause.

[knocks]

If the FU Fighters make another move, I'll kill you myself.

That should do it.

How are you feeling?

Like I finally understand why people take these kind of drugs.

Okay, we'll start the procedure.

You may feel some cramping, and that's perfectly normal.

What--what's wrong?

[sighs] Morning cobwebs. Excuse me.

Just relax.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Wait.

Stop.

[gasping]

Stop it! Wait!

I can't.

Stop! What are you doing? No!

[stabbing sound]

Kady!

Kady!

[crying]

Kady!

[gasping]

[gasping] I can't...

Stop!

[screaming]

Oh, my God.

Holy f*ck.

Oh, my--

Do it.

What?

Do it. You have wards.

The thing, it got to her. Just get it out of me, Kady.

Julia, that is a dead body.

We need to get rid of it right now.

f*ck, Jules.

We will find another way.

[indistinct chatter]

[light piano music]

♪ ♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪ ♪

[engine revving]