04x10 - All That Hard, Glossy Armor

Previously on "The Magicians"...

My mother was a hedge witch, too.

I didn't know you were a hedge.

Oh, yes. My mentor, Everett, found me.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

The Foremost saved them with special weapons that expel possession.

They call them ice axes, and I'm assuming that's poetic license.

So we might have a chance to save Eliot.

Overthrow me right the f*ck now, Fen.

- I never should have...
- Or I will never forgive you.

And neither will Eliot if you keep me from getting the one thing that can save him.

- [sizzling]
- [screaming]

When the going gets tough, the tough listens to pop anthems from the ' s.

- [door opens]
- Hi. It's me.

It's the real me. It's Eliot.

This is a mind palace situation, and we don't have a lot of time, and I have some extremely major sh1t to tell you.

Some god of war.

He only liked them when they were too weak to fight.

He's not trying to rebuild his body.

That's not what the stones are.
That's not what they're for.

♪ ♪

It's so much worse than that.

Just breathe.

If the stones aren't for building a body, what does he want with them?

No, he's building a body... his sister's.

He's trying to bring her back to life.

Oh, my God.

That's the girl he thought was a sacrifice to summon Enyalius, but she wasn't.

Enyalius and the other gods killed her.

They chopped her up and turned her into four stone organs.

- Jesus. There's two of them.
- Yeah.

And if he got prison and she got the death penalty, I'm guessing she's the bad one.

Till he remembers, he won't know to go looking for Enyalius.


If you want to talk to me, the price is a drink.

You're fun.

One drink.

- What are you having, ma'am?
- Vodka ice.

Vodka ice.

There you go.

- I have a question.
- No, I don't come here often.

You haven't seen me anywhere.

And, yes, I do have plans this weekend.

Still have a question?


Why does this place smell like death?


It is weird, right?

Bar next to a hospital.

Doctors need happy hour, too, I guess.

So that's what you are? A doctor?


I'm sick.

But I got good news today.

I'll only be sick for another two months.

Three, maybe.

Sometimes my friend says one thing but means another thing.

Is that what you're doing?

Keep them coming.

Keep them coming.

[Wang Chung's "Let's Go"]

♪ Meet me in a restaurant ♪

♪ Meet me on the top of the world ♪

♪ Meet me, and we'll talk the language of love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'll meet you anywhere you want ♪

♪ I'll meet you on a ballroom floor ♪

Well, I'm definitely hitting my step goals today, huh?

♪ Meet me, and we'll float to the level above ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wish you'd drop what you're doing ♪


Jesus f*ck a wise man's donkey.


Just give me a sign.

Come on. Where's water?



[low rumbling]

[The Pretenders' "Don't Get Me Wrong"]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ If I'm looking kind of dazzled ♪


♪ I see neon lights ♪

♪ Whenever you walk by ♪


♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ If you say hello and I take a ride ♪

♪ Upon a sea where the mystic moon ♪

♪ Is playing havoc with the tide ♪

Hey! It's you, right?

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

It can't be the monster.
He doesn't have the moves.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Turn down the music and talk to me, will you?

Wait a sec. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God. I'm tripping on lizard.

♪ ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I'm acting so distracted ♪

♪ I'm thinking about the fireworks ♪

Oh, come on.

♪ That go off when you smile ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ If I split like light refracted ♪

♪ I'm only off to wander ♪

♪ Across a moonlit mile ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Once in a while, two people meet ♪

♪ Seemingly for no reason, they just pass on the street ♪

♪ Suddenly thunder showers everywhere ♪

♪ Who can explain the thunder and rain? ♪

Don't get me wrong.
I'm happy to see you.

Where are you taking me, Eliot?
I'm so thirsty.

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ If I come and go like fashion ♪

♪ I might be great tomorrow ♪

♪ But hopeless yesterday ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ If I fall in the mode of passion ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

♪ ♪

Woman, hello.

Oh, hey.


Can't believe that psychotropic douche got me here.

Can I get some water?

Who wants the honor of killing her?

Hey, if water's a dealio, I'm good.

Oh, we have water.

What we don't have are strangers wandering

- into our camp.
- Her wrist.

Our enemy's enemy is our ally.

Well, how about that?


[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[font color="# ff"]Synced & corrected by[/font] kinglouisxx
[font color="# ff"]www.[/font]addic ed[font color="# ff"].com[/font]

You're in pain, aren't you?

Come with me.

I can take it away.

Sorry, but I got to get home and tell my parents
all the medical debt was for nothing.

Thanks for the drinks.


Do that again.

My face.

Touch my face.

[dramatic music]

Are you okay?

♪ ♪

Whenever you touch my face, I remember something.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

You remind me of someone I had forgotten... my sister.

I'm gonna leave.

No, you have to come with me now.

No, I'm...

What's up?

This was in the Mirror World.

And I heard you were looking for the binder, so...

[scoffs] Holy sh1t.

It's in some language I've never seen before. I...

Well, um, I'll get on this just as soon as we find Enyalius.

Hopefully before the Monster does.

I-I thought we wanted him to find Enyalius.

Yeah, we did, but we were wrong.

He's building his sister.

What are y'all doing?

Tracking the Library's entire magic infrastructure to find weak points and start a rebellion.

But, um, good luck with yours.

Yeah. Thanks. You too.

Yeah, I can tell you what he looks like, the food the dude likes to eat, but shit-all for anything useful.

One thing is bugging me.

In the memory, I-I could swear he was wearing a ring... emerald.

Guy is described up and down, but nothing about the ring.

Wait a minute. Did you say emerald?


W-when I did research with the Free Traders, there... there was this god.
What was his name?

Uh, he... he always worked in disguise, but... but he was known for always wearing an emerald ring.

So Enyalius is a front.



Celtic god.

[dramatic music]

- Jules, it says here he's a Trickster.
- It's fine.

And we... it wouldn't be a summoning.

We can only get to him through a magical creature.

Apparently there's a whole species that exists to entertain him and protect him.

And they're really annoying and...

What I'm getting at is we need to find a leprechaun.

[indistinct chatter]

- Don't!
- I'm sorry.

Listen, I-I just saw this red sand out there.

It was following me.

I thought it was 'cause I was tripping balls.

Our desert is alive.

It's filled with demon spirits that attack our women.


Speaking of D-spirits, I'm looking for something

I think you guys have... a pair of black...

You're angry with me? How dare you?

You lay with my sister, and I'm the one you scream at?

I'm the one you threaten?

- Zal, calm yourself.
- Pig!

You want my sister? She's yours.

Wow. "Desert Dynasty."

Think we're gonna get a girl fight?

Jesus, how long does one lick last?

Take her. You two deserve each other.

You must be silent! Now.



♪ ♪

- [axes plunge]
- [groaning]

Ooh. Gross.


But cool, but gross.



So, anytime a woman gets a teensy bit emotional, one of those things rises up out of the sand, and what?

Possesses her...

eventually causing paralysis, even death.

Men save us because they alone have the strength to survive.

And the spirit zoo you got going?

They can't be killed, so I've learned how to imprison them.

Some brave dudes.

And some awfully compliant women.

You're not seeing or hearing this, are you?

Seeing or hearing...?

I thought so.

Man, this lizard's got a half-life like uranium.

So the guy with the axes... which tent's he hang his thong in?

Have we identified the leader of the Serpent group yet?

Not yet, but we're looking.


Phyllis is in charge of that investigation.

I could join her.

Perhaps there are places she doesn't know to look that I would, considering my past.

That's a very generous offer.

But it seems that you have enough on your plate already.


Very well.

I was just sitting in a bar

when a bear named Humbledrum started talking to me.

What can I tell you? Fillory's a weird place.

So I hear.

- But you...
- Mm-hmm.

- A woman...
- Mm-hmm.

- As king?
- Talking animals.


I'm gonna go get some more.

Wow. Light speed, Bambi.

Okay, can you just tell me?

What the hell are you?

Pieces of you.

Your spirit guide.

Your memories. Your Eliot.

Your conscience.

- Speaking of conscience...
- Wait, what?

You're really gonna pass lycanthropy to a guy who lives on a planet with two moons?

I'll tell them I'm surfing the red breakers and we got to get creative.

And this is just to get the axes.

Out, now.

[Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"]

♪ ♪

And this is guiding me how?

It's the song you think to yourself whenever you're working a guy, remember?

High school, junior year?

- Ray Latanza.
- Ray Latanza.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This song came out on the car radio.

I wanted to ride in his Porsche, so I gave him a hand job.

In your own driveway, which is sad, 'cause then your dad walked out.

Okay, road closure on Memory Lane.

♪ I don't know where I'm going ♪

♪ But I sure know where I've been ♪

BOTH: ♪ Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday ♪

♪ 'Cause I've made up my mind ♪

♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪

ALL: ♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here I go again ♪

Hey, Margo. Thanks for inviting me.

I invited her?

♪ ♪

♪ Though I keep searching for an answer ♪

♪ I never seem to find what I'm looking for ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, I pray You give me the strength to carry on ♪

BOTH: ♪ 'Cause I know what it means ♪

♪ To walk along the lonely street of dreams ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here I go again on my own ♪

♪ Going down the only road I've ever known ♪

ALL: ♪ Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And I made up my mind ♪

♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪

♪ ♪

The Library says that they have sufficient levels of ambient magic.

Magic output reports are published weekly.

Yeah, well, we didn't trust them, and guess what.

Look... this is how much magic the Library says is being distributed as ambient.

And this is the level in the pipes right now.

It's nothing close to the amount of magic they say there is.

So long as Library members get their Deweys, who cares?

Beside hedges.

- That can't be right.
- It is.

We bugged the pipes.

A beetle with McCormick's Tracer.

Were you mapping the pipe system?

Trying to.

Until our beetle disintegrated somewhere outside Earth.

But the spell shows magic levels.

And when we saw this, we thought we should show you, because I don't think you signed up to work for an organization that lies, right?

- I'm sure there's an explanation.
- There is.

Harriet told you... and me.

Everett's trying to squeeze out hedges.

This is just more of the same.

Look, you are on the inside.

You can find out where the extra magic is going and why they're hoarding it and why the Library is lying.


Yeah, sweetie. Just let me borrow them.

I'll have them back in a day, two at the most.

No one else can use them but me.

- Mm.
- They're enchanted.

As I'm sure you can understand better than most.

I, uh... [chuckles]

I loved it last night when you did that thing to me.

Ah, what are you, some kind of... witch?


So can I get ones that work for me?

You'll have to make your own.

Swell. How?

[groans softly]


Mostly white, no?

But every hundredth grain or so...

Is black.


A warrior goes alone in the desert, picks out only the black ones... enough to fill a large bag, which is then forged.


You're gonna try?

- I'm gonna do.
- [laughs]

If you get the least bit emotional, the spirits will possess you.

Clear on that.

And there'll be no man to protect you.

- Story of my life.
- And you can't use magic.

- It renders the grains...
- Impotent?

I don't know that word.

You sure don't, Marathon Man.

[Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"]

♪ I'm just another heart in need of rescue ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Waiting on love's sweet charity ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days ♪

♪ ♪

What is she doing here?

- Four-octave range, bitch.
- Seriously?

I got my id, my lost innocence, my guilt, and now my inadequacy?

♪ 'Cause I know what it means ♪

♪ To walk along the lonely street of dreams ♪

♪ And here I go again on my own ♪

ALL: ♪ Going down the only road I've ever known ♪

♪ Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And I've made up my mind ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪

♪ But here I go again ♪

Okay, this is too much.

Your subconscious thought you needed some wisdom.

You do whiskey, not wisdom.

Okay. Fine.

♪ ♪

♪ And I made up my mind ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪


ALL: ♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here I go again ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ ♪

Ah, morning. What can I do you for?

Uh, we were hoping that you could help us find somebody.

Well, I'm not sure about that, but, uh, I can fix your shoes.

Uh, this is Berry's, right?


I'm Berry, so...

We're looking for a leprechaun.


Right. [laughs]

So are you looking for, like, a "pot of gold" leprechaun, or is this a breakfast-cereal situation, or...

We're looking for a god named Aengus, but to find him we have to talk to a leprechaun first, and I know this is a bat-shit thing to say with a straight face,
but if you could help us...


Well, all right, since you're desperate.

Are you the leprechaun?

What do you expect... some short little bearded child in overalls with a buckle on me hat?

Why didn't you just tell us?

Because you're hysterical when you're desperate.

Want to see Aengus?

He's right through there.

[carnival music playing]

♪ ♪

Great. No knob.

Someone's trying to kill your boss, and we need to warn him, so please just let us through.

No. [exhales sharply]

Aengus is pretty strict on that.

Keeps out the riffraff.

Don't worry.

Everything you need to open the door is in here.

It's fun. [chuckles]

It's an escape room...like for kids' parties.

Not ours.

Whoo! [laughs]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Stephen Foster's "Beautiful Dreamer"]

♪ ♪

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Wake unto me ♪

♪ Starlight and dew drops ♪

♪ Are waiting for thee ♪


You loved this song when you were little and your father sang it.

You're me, right? [sniffs]

I run me, so shut it.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[carnival music playing lightly]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

It's okay. I think I can get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

Lets the knob down, but if you stick your arm up there,

- you'll just get sliced up.
- [laughs]

We have no idea how close the Monster is.

So, if I get cut, I get cut.

We don't have time to argue about this.

Stupid, 'cause one of us here is indestructible.

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

It's you. Julia.

Aengus has been very interested in you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, no, nothing to worry.

We've all been interested in the girl who became the goddess who became...

sh1t. We still need a key.

Well, then maybe Aengus would appreciate

- if you let us through.
- Oh, I can't.

- [laughs]
- [sighs]

I quit. I can't do this anymore.

That goddamn lullaby.

♪ ♪

He'd sing it every night to me.

♪ ♪

Even away on business...

he'd sing it over the phone.

♪ ♪

He called me his little princess.

♪ ♪

He was better than other dads.

♪ ♪

And he thought I was better than other daughters.

♪ ♪


You had the audacity to grow up.

f*cking apologies for the surprise, Dad.

He saw what he raised... a woman he couldn't control... who didn't need anyone else's approval.

Nothing deadlier to the fragile male ego.

He was the one who told me I could be anything.

And I believed him.

But he didn't tell you that the world makes you choose.

You can be one of the smart ones or one of the pretty ones or even a strong one.

- But...
- Try to be all three... you better learn to smile and shut up...

'cause the second you're you, the second...

I'm loud, pissed off, it's, "What a bitch."

"What a slut."

"Who the f*ck does she think she is?"

So you never give them a chance.

You hit first.

And anyone dumb enough to hit back soon finds that there's no hurting you, sheathed in all that hard, glossy armor.

Then why does it hurt so much?

Why does it feel like I'm losing my mind, Eliot?

Wind and sand reduce mountains into rubble.

Are you stronger than a mountain?

I'm a king.

Not a goddamn princess.

A king.

You were.

I'm still a king.

[dramatic music]

King of manipulation...

king of pointless rage...

king of I can't do this...

king of he was right...

[breathes deeply]

King of I eventually f*ck up everything.

- That's not true.
- That's what Eliot would say.

But you're not Eliot, are you?

♪ ♪

You're me.

♪ ♪

And we know.

Margo. Don't...

Get angry?

I'm angry... every second.

Every second my eyes are open because I know who I am... not what I pretend to be.

♪ ♪

Can't do anything except pose and judge.

Margo... you have to stop.

The only thing I ever did right was be your best friend.

That's the only thing I ever got right.

And I can't even do that, or else this f*cking bag would be f*cking full!



♪ ♪


♪ ♪

You're a girl?

♪ ♪

Sorry, woman. Female.

And how am I hearing you?

♪ ♪

You're in my thoughts.

Who isn't?

- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, of course.

Of course.

♪ ♪

So then maybe you can tell me if you're a womanish thing, why do you do such shitty things to other women?

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

BOTH: f*ck.

- Last one.
- It doesn't work.

God damn it.


Come on.



- You may enter.
- [lock clicks]

Aengus. Or, Enyalius.

Whatever your name is. Do we... We're too late.

sh1t. sh1t.


Oh, your face.

- What the hell, dude?
- We were trying to warn you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got you good.

[laughs] Your anxieties are glowing...

this one especially.

The Monster is coming for you.

The... the one that you locked up in Blackspire.

You care for a snack?

Something to drink?
Oh, you certainly earned it.

No, no. We... we want you to leave.

I have a place to hide.

I just refuse to let your panic infect me.

Happiness is a choice, you know.

Yeah, well, you should turn the panic up.

We wasted so much time in your escape-room sh1t, the Monster could be here any second.


You mortals are always so precious about time.

[stammers] "There's never enough of it.

Oh, every second, I'm closer to death."


Well, yes, but...how can you enjoy life if you're in constant fear of its end?

Think on it.

Except you, of course.


it's a fascinating pleasure.

We're trying to save you.

You need to hide now.


Yes, it took me a while to shake the mortal fear, too.

You'll get there.

So that's a no on the snacks?

[clears throat]

I did hope that the decoy and alias would keep him at bay, but just in case...


Fallout shelter of sorts.

No one, not even the Monster, can get in.

It's gonna be so very boring, but, uh...since you insist.

- Thank God.
- You're most welcome.

- But before I, um...
- Jesus Christ.

Julia, come with me.


I know a thing or two about god powers.

I'm sure I can fix whatever's wrong with you.

We're more alike than you know.

Think it over.

Whilst I remember my password.

[clears throat]




So can we do this thing or what?

- I don't mean to be brusque.
- Do what?

Turn my black sand into axes.



Guys, whatever the joke is, skip it.

- It's just so...
- Richly enjoyable.

Not to mention a first.

You should feel good at least.

No other woman has ever gone alone out there and come back with all of that.

- Most give up.
- Or die.

Yeah, hilarious.

I can't believe your kingdom exiled you.

You're strong, smart...

And a very adequate whore. [laughs]

Oh, yeah, it's a big uh-oh.

You know, a funny thing happened out there.

I met one of them... a demon spirit.

And I got the whole download on how this place really rolls.

See, I lost my sh1t...

in a big way.

And she came up out of the sand.

Only, I didn't see shifty, scary smoke.

I saw her.

[dramatic music]

Maybe it's this weirdo fairy eye I have.

It's a long and very bizarre story for another day and another quest.

♪ ♪

But I also heard her.

She didn't attack me.

That's not what they do.

But you guys already know that, don't know?

You and your whole ruling council of pussy-phobic chuckle dicks.

'Cause those spirits, when they hear a woman who's sad or scared or upset... or angry... they rise up out of the sand to help.

And they help by possessing whatever man

is causing the distress.

♪ ♪

They're protectors.

♪ ♪

And if the problem isn't a man...

they do whatever it takes to help women.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

If your intent is to tell our people those lies...then I'm sorry.

But that's not gonna happen.

If your intent was to double-cross me, you missed a key plot point, shit-crisp.

I'm a f*cking magician.

[Gnarls Barkley's "Storm Coming"]

♪ ♪

♪ There's a storm on the way ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ There's a storm on the way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And it's coming no matter what I say ♪

♪ Yeah-eh-eh ♪

BOTH: ♪ There's truth in the thunder ♪

♪ There's love in the lightning ♪

♪ The feeling is frightening ♪

♪ But isn't it exciting? ♪

♪ I'm something like stormy weather ♪

♪ If I weren't, we'd never huddle together ♪

♪ Do I have to tell you ♪

♪ That I'm also the sunlight that shines shortly after? ♪

♪ I just rain 'cause I have to ♪

♪ On to another chapter, I wish you lots of laughter ♪

ALL: ♪ Till the next time you see me ♪

♪ Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming ♪

♪ Just remember you need me ♪

♪ I'm the storm coming ♪

♪ So here I come, I come, I come, I come ♪

No... hey.

♪ I'm the storm coming ♪

ALL: ♪ Just remember you need me ♪

- ♪ I'm the storm coming ♪
- ALL: ♪ I wish you lots of laughter ♪

♪ Till the next time you see me ♪

♪ Just remember you need me ♪

♪ I'm the storm coming ♪

♪ Just remember you need me ♪

♪ I'm the storm coming ♪

♪ So here I come, I come, I come, I come ♪

- ♪ I'm the storm coming ♪
- ♪ Ah, come on ♪

♪ Here I come, I come, I come, I come ♪

♪ Don't ask why ♪

♪ Just live ♪

♪ And die ♪

♪ ♪

Aren't you gonna use the axes?


Tell the spirits to exit your husband.

They serve you... all of you.

Come on, ladies.

It's time to get your head out of the sand... literally.

Close your eyes.

Think the thought. "Leave my husband."

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪




♪ ♪

She's... talking to me.

♪ ♪

From now on if a demon possesses a man or a woman, you can just tell them to leave.

Or stay and finish them off.

Or help with the laundry.

They're pretty handy.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪



This isn't over.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

I'm gonna figure out whatever the hell this, uh, binder's all about and become a goddess again.

Okay, that's not gonna make a difference.

Well, yeah, there's a ton of reasons it won't, but when has that stopped us?

Look, once I finally get this goddess sh1t straight...

I need you...

♪ ♪

To help remind me what it's like to give a sh1t about other people... to want to risk your life to save them.

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

I got it.

♪ ♪

May I come in?

Look who's up.

Trump and Aunt Lydia.

Welcome to the New Desert Order.

It's gonna suck for you.

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Queen of my song ♪

♪ ♪

♪ List' while I woo thee ♪

♪ With soft melody ♪

♪ Gone are the cares of ♪

♪ Life's busy throng ♪

Nice song, asshole.

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Awake unto me ♪

♪ ♪

Look, I know you're just a reptilian hallucination.

♪ ♪

But I miss you...

♪ ♪

So much.

♪ ♪

And I promise you...

♪ ♪

I'm gonna get you back.

[breathing shakily]

♪ Sound of the rude world ♪

♪ Heard in the day ♪

♪ Led by the moonlight ♪

♪ Have all passed away ♪