02x08 - Word as Bond

Previously on "The Magicians"

The High King and I hereby declare war on the Kingdom of Loria.

One cannot simply take back a declaration of war.

My hands can't cast spells anymore.

Help me, I do what I can.

I'm a member of the Order, the keepers of The Libraries of the Neitherlands, the greatest repository of knowledge.

You're a niffin.

Q, I'm not blood-thirsty, I just want to be free.


We're getting you out!

I guess I could help, for a price.

I want to drive.

For an hour a day, I get control of your body.

Fine, it's a deal.

We're gonna make another you.

You sleep here, your mind goes into the golem.

[electrical crackle]


[guttural gasp]


In the center of your being, there's a tiny beating heart.

It's called "a Shade.

" It's what makes you feel.

The pain will burn you till there's nothing.

It's Reynard, he's back.

He hurt you too, didn't he?

My child is safe.

He'll never know who he really is.

The test was positive.

[glass breaks]

You will need to find a Mudang.

But you can abort it, right?

This is exorcism.

That thing is not human.

Did it work?

Is it gone?

But, Julia, there was a complication.

[dramatic music]

[ominous music]

What do you mean, lost her Shade?

When the Mudang cut the demigod's soul out, they--they nicked hers by accident.

Her Shade, it's gone.

Is she gonna be, like Honestly, I-- I don't know.




Good morning.

Hey, Jesus, what day is it?

It's Friday.

Are you Listen, I just want to thank you for everything you did to help me.

You're looking at me like I'm crazy.


I mean, are you?

- How do you feel?

- [whistling softly]

How do I feel?


I feel light.

Like a million pound weight's off my chest.

[soft laugh]


So what'd you get?

Anything that skins foxes?

Well-- so back in the day, Zeus and his little frat bros, they ran around kidnapping and raping with total impunity, so the Magicians, they read these spells to protect their communities, God-killing spells.

The one thing that they all have in common is they all failed.

Maybe it just can't be done.

You know what?

We need to write our own.

We can use these, there's some pretty big holes, but-- I mean, a little ambitious.

We need to be ambitious, like Martin Chatwin facing Ember and Umber ambitious.

It can be done.

But, you know, say we get the perfect spell, think about the energy it'd take to work it.

- Right.

- See, Dana knew that.

She had her power source.

We--I--got rid of mine.

Well, what about Ember in Fillory, didn't he help Alice?

He's completely AWOL.

[ominous music]

Oh, my God.

Dana's baby, Reynard's son.

And there is a ton of lore on demigods.

They're powerful in their own right.

Dana was talking like he's still out there.

We need to find him.

Hurry up.

I checked your work, it's fine.

Nothing can break a Word As Bond.

I must've overlooked something.

No hurting anyone.

No casting magic.

No s*x.

Trust me, you locked down any possible fun.

I held up my end of the deal, Q.

Now it's your turn.

Or box me now 'cause I'll drive you insane.

[drops pen]

[suspenseful music]

Midnight, my turn.

Got it?



Where the hell are you?

I'm just glad we managed to sneak the golem out.

Is it me or is morgue security ridiculously lax?

Well, I think stealing corpses isn't generally a thing.

Should be.

Kind of fun.

Anyway, according the Healer, the Bridge should take a few days to enchant.

Then his consciousness can travel it from the clay back to his body.



And there's that.

Magic brownout.


Not helping.

How often does that happen?


Sometimes twice a week.

Sometimes twice an hour.

Affects anything that draws current.

Completely jacks all spellwork.

We're still trying to fix it.

Shall we go see the patient?

[ambient music]

How's it going?

Every time the magic stutters, they have to start the enchantment over.

Enchant faster.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Is there anything else that we can be doing?

Hold off the war till he's back.


I had a pigeon drop a confusion spell on the Lorian castle so they're moving slow about now.

How can I help?


You can go back to Brakebills and check on Julia.

You know you want to.

If anything changes-- I'll enchant a two-way mirror to Brakebills, like when Rupert yelled at Jane through the vanity table in the books.

[gentle ambient music]

Hey, don't worry.

My takeaway lately is that anything can happen at any time.

So just be there for your friend while you can.




How is she?

Oh, well, she's [laughs]

Holy sh1t.

That infomatrixing spell worked like a m*therf*cker.

- Oh, hey, Q.

- Hey.

So I found a hospital outside of Hoboken that took in a surrendered newborn August 20, 1976.

Holy sh1t.

- Jules, what are you-- - I have to go.

No, you need to stay behind the wards.

Reynard is-- Reynard could give a sh1t about us.


If he was gonna finish me, he'd have done it by now.

So let's take advantage of that.

[brooding music]

Uh, Jules, no, look, she's right.

You're safer here.

No offense, Q, I didn't actually ask your opinion.

Thanks, though.

Julia, wait.

[dramatic music]

Hi, Julia.

You thought I'd forgotten about you?

You seem like the type to move on quick when you're finished with a girl.


Eh, generally.

Unless they're carrying my child.

[tense music]

I was protecting you.

And what did you go and do, you little bitch?

Now, Dana wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know.

And it got very, very painful for her.


But you have more common sense than she does.

Tell me where her son is.


I don't know.



You're different.

Someone's had a little, uh, Shade amputation.

I like it.

I know you're there.



All right, run.

Go on, run.

I'll give you a head start.

[dramatic music]


I get it.

You want to keep me safe.

Thank you.

I'm saying, I just can't sit on my thumbs in Fillory.

Look, you had the thing before, the Haxenpaxen, that--that was making you invisible, right?

So we're in Fillory.

There's a lot of crazy sh1t here.

So find something else.

Then you can go back.

You don't get it.

There isn't time.


She's right, Q, there isn't.

It's my turn soon.

Tick tock.

Uh, okay, look, I am going to go back.

I'll help Kady.

We're--we're gonna keep working.


Uh, Julia needs to stay here for a while.

It's an emergency.

- Fine.

- Thank you.


It's a nice place.

[ominous music]

Tick tock.

Oh, sh1t.

[muffled whoosh]


Dude, are you okay?

[indistinct chatter]

I'm fine.

Nothing to see here.

[door opens, slams shut]

Using the gold you procured, we have been able to amply fund the infantry.

Now, as for Loria Some 8,000 troops are headed to the border.

So we're totally outnumbered.

Perhaps not.

Our spies have spotted the Master Magician Illario at the edge of the woods.

That bald illusionist dick who disappeared the entire castle?

We suspect he has enhanced the number of troops with trickery.

We believe the actual numbers are under 3,000.

I like those odds.

There is also less good news.

Said troops appear to be amassing at the edge of the One-Way-Forest.

A forest of intelligent trees.

Yeah, I've read about it.

Jane Chatwin tried to pass once and-- Uhh, the trees have a long allegiance with Loria and, begging pardon, an excessive dislike of Fillory.

Can you move the trees?

They are rooted, Your Highness.


I mean with an ax.

That would be ill advised.

They are the last of their kind.


Her Languidness suggests violence against the One-Way-Forest could cause civil war here in Fillory.

Well, in the books, the trees had some sort of ambassador, a dryad.

You need to negotiate with her.

Your Highness, we would not advise-- That worked for Jane?

- Sold.

- Great.

I'll come with you.

Uhh, custom strongly dictates that-- Yeah, I don't care.

Look, I know the books almost as well as Quentin does.

I'm bored.

Let me be a little useful, okay?


But I do the talking.

You just stand there and look vaguely indignant or whatever.

Let's go.

[rousing music]


It wasn't enough.

I need more time.

To do what?

None of your business.

Relax, it's nothing.


I like to read.

Is that a crime?

You can't be serious.

I have the right to know what I've been doing.

Illuminated manuscripts.

I remember this from Art History.


A-plus for you.

I was just bored.

The monks got tired of writing the same thing over and over again so they-- they embellished in the margins.

Well, a lot of priests dabbled in magic.

Some exploded.

[ambient music]


Those monks were drama queens.


"There must be another way to bring back our brother"?

Are you looking for a way to reverse it?


No, Q, I'm not.

Then why are you reading about all these holy men trying to fix niffins?

What does it matter, Q?

They always fail.

- Alice.

- [soft grunt]

Oh, my God.


Welcome back, Penny.

I need a book.

"Future Movements in Magic.

" All right.

Follow me.

Don't they have a copy at Brakebills?

It got destroyed.

I figure you guys have every book here, so.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to take this off the premises since you don't have a library card.

Oh, no-no, I got one, um.

I'm just the errand boy.


I'm surprised the two of you get along.

No, we don't.

Believe me.

My hands won't cast.

He's the only one that can help me, if I finish fetching his goddamn grocery list so we can get started, so.


I can put a rush on this book.

Thank you.

If you're sure that's what you really want.

Well, I really want magic, so, yeah.

But to pay for it with servitude to a lying drunkard-- What's the alternative?




The Order of the Library of the Neitherlands are Master Magicians.

We can help you, Penny.


What's the catch?

This contract initiates our services in exchange for-- Unlimited manual and magical labor?

Bound in service to the library up to and after my death, are you kidding?

All very standard.

For a period of no less than one million years?

Okay, lady, are you joking?




[keys clacking]

Okay, here's what Julia found.

August 20, 1976.

Baby surrendered at hospital.

Uh, a nurse, Michelle Walker transferred it to a state social worker, uh.

[clacks keys]

And after that nothing, there's no record of adoption or Okay, so, where's Michelle Walker now?

Merciful Sisters Cemetery.

Oh, sh1t.



sh1t what?

Just--dead ended again.

How's Mayakovsky?

Oh, still a jerk-off, you know.

What's wrong with you?


Your mind is - doing something.

- Uh, no, it's not.

He's talking about me, Q.

- Stop that.

- Stop what?

Stop singing Imagine Dragons to get me off the track.

Lock it up, Q.


Look, why are you always poking around in me anyway?

Can you just leave me alone?

Oh, I'd love to.

You leak, asshole.


I have got to, uh [clears throat]

[door opens]

The hell was that?

Something's wronger than usual.

And he's a grown man.

Moving on.

Have you eaten lately?

You should eat.

Penny, we still haven't-- you know, talked.

Uh, I thought we weren't gonna.

Yeah, well, that was when this was some quick fun, not hanging out 24/7 f*cking our brains out, robbing banks.

That is fun.

It's all I need.

[soft music]

Okay, here's the deal.

I can't exactly study magic unless I sign an insane contract or Mayakovsky stops dicking around.

What I can do is help stop the evil freak that tried to rip your heart out of your chest.

I'll sleep better with him dead.


You want to keep things professional?


It's no big deal.



I am Margo, High Queen of Fillory.

Habla Ingles or what?


So you the nymph?


I thought you were all girls.

Listen, I know your tree buddies don't like us.

The rulers of Fillory have a long and tragic history of arboreal disrespect.

Yeah, okay.

Look, it's a new day.

We're a kinder, gentler Fillory.

So we need to settle some unrest with our Lorian neighbors.

Settle unrest.

You mean wage war.

No, we mean button some messy sh1t up.

Help us here.

We want to make this work.


That's rich.

Considering your king apparently wouldn't deign to come here himself, sending two females.

Hey, this is Julia.

Royal Ambassador.

And I am Fillory's one and only High Queen.


The insult's been noted.

Passage is denied.

Good day.

[gentle ominous music]

Damn it.

Let's go.

Before you ask, no.

No luck with the adoption records.

No luck with the hospital.

And no luck with the nurse.

What's wrong with you?

Your wards are airtight.

You complained, so I fixed them.

Since when are you that good at fixing anything?

Can we agree that I lose no matter what I say, and just stop talking?


So Reynard's kid.

Yeah, so, the trail stops when the nurse dies.


If only there was a way to literally see into the past.

You know, I think I just remembered there might be a way.

Yeah, time bridge.

We thought of that.

There's nothing close enough.

No, uh, time sight, literally.

We never studied that.

Uh, no, but I think Alice did.

Hmm, uh, can't remember.

Did she or didn't she?

She did, uh.


I think it was uh, uh, extra reading in Metageology?

- Nope.

- Nope.

Um, oh, I think, or, it was an elective in, uh, Basics in Vedic Prognostication.

- Nope.

- Nope.


Give me an extra hour tonight and I'll tell you.


Was it, uh, something we learned in Sunderland's class, I mean, 'cause we never studied-- Are you, like, having an ADD moment right now, or?

No--it--um-- [hums intensely]

Okay, so here's the thing.

Um, there's this one time, Alice and I, right?

We were studying; we were sharing lab materials.

And people didn't know this about Alice, but she was really greedy with her lab materials.

Um, and so she would offer to help me for extra time with them-- None of this is interesting to any of us.

The point is I would say 20 extra minutes, one time offer, take it or leave it.



Is how that would go.

In a nutshell.


My discipline, idiot.

McKellan's got a scope that can bend light into the past.



I'm an idiot.


Shut up, I--remembered.

Uh, okay, so the viewing device, it's in Professor McKellan's office.

Ooh, Penny.


See, even he can't wait to get away from you.

Is this thing gonna work or not?

Eliot has sh1t to do.

He has to do the work of crossing back.

Not everyone chooses to do so.


Can you step out for a minute?

Fen, you too, sweetie.

Eliot, you need to come back.

I know that you have a constant low-key death wish, but you can't leave.

They don't want me.

[solemn music]

They want the High King.


I'm faking it, El.

So if you could just please, please, wake up.

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter over P. A. ]

I set it to August 20, 1976.

[shutter clicks]

Holy sh1t.

[shutter clicking]

What, what do you see?

Uh, just people waiting.

[shutter clicking]

Oh, here we go.


A nurse with a baby.


[ominous music]



[brooding music]

You got to be kidding me.


What's wrong?

Ah, sh1t.

Dana did this.

To protect the baby's identity, even from spells 40 years in the future.

She thought of everything.

And back to square nothing.


I'm Julia.

God, been waiting hours for you to get close enough to grab.

I think my foot fell asleep.

I will never help Fillory.

I'd sooner be skinned.

All right, boys, let him go.

Give us some air, but stay close-ish.

Hate Fillory all you want.

I'm here for one thing, and then I'm off this planet.

An invisibility spell strong enough to hide from a god.

And why should I give it to you?

Because I may not give a sh1t about Fillory.

But I do, as its Royal Ambassador, have access to its guards and its dungeons.

And I'll use A to throw you in B, but help me, and I'll let you go free.

I don't believe you.

Your loyalty will always lie with-- With me.

My loyalty will always lie with me.

[dramatic music]


Drill a hole in it.

Wear it.

No god can sense you.

Thank you.

You're free to go.

[clears throat]

Hey, dryad boy!


Come on out.

I saw you in there, sweetheart.

Negotiations are over.

Go home.

I brought you something.

A small token of peace.

It won't change anything.

Just give it to your bosses.

I'm trying to fix this.

[gentle ominous music]

Thank you.

[soft dramatic music]


[dramatic music]

I've been looking for you.

You've lived here since the Bush administration, but you're thousands of years old.

You're an AnglerBeast.

That's stupid.

You play too much Dungeons and Dragons.

[brooding music]

You knew a man, a long time ago.

He was special and he lived in a monastery, a Master Magician.

Friar Joseph.

Ring a bell?

I want to know everything about him.

Well, in the parlance of your time, f*ck you, pay me.

Fresh meat.

Newborns are the sweetest.

You know, I thought about doing that, but my time is very limited.

So I researched your weak spots instead.

And you believe what you read?

[dramatic music]

That was stupid of you.


Oh, my God.

Alice, what did you do?


Can't hurt anybody, remember?

But she's-- A monster.

Technically, I did good here.

I mean, there's a ton of kid bones in this sandbox.

It wasn't cooperating so I had to use enhanced interrogation techniques.

To find out what?

We might want to go before the rest of it lumbers up here.

It's pretty mad at me.

What the hell were you thinking, huh?

You burned down the One-Way-Forest while I'm trying to wiggle us out of full-on war?


Those trees were dicks.

They were endangered.

Now trees all over Fillory are enraged and calling for action.

Do you have any idea what you did, Julia?


I helped you.

Now you can cross into Loria and kick their f*cking asses like you wanted to.

This is not how I wanted to go about that.

Yeah, I know.

So the really good news is you didn't do anything.

Go back and tell the angry tree lobby it was all crazy Julia.

You're welcome.

Look, I got what I wanted.

The rest was all a favor to you.

So banish me forever.

Send me home.

You know, in a sick way, I sort of admire you.

That being said, here's what we do to loose cannons in Fillory, ready?

[soft dramatic music]


- Take this bitch to the dungeon.

- [laughs]

You gotta be kidding me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some damage control to do.


How to break a Word As Bond.

Reversing a Word As Bond.

Amending a Word As Bond.

It's not there.

That's the whole point.

You can't break it.

Why don't you do something useful and catch up on all the classes you missed in Fillory?

This isn't working.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Keeping you a secret and trying to help you while you do God knows what.

I have to ask for help.

I need to tell someone.

Great idea.

You think you know locked up for crazy?

They'll put you someplace you can't even imagine.

And they'll box me up so quick [snaps fingers]

all your efforts for nothing.

Is that what you want?

I want Alice back.

I want the real you.

I want--I-- I can't help Fillory.

And I can't help Eliot.

And I can't help Julia.

And I just want to do-- God, one thing for the person that deserves it the most.

That's what I want.



[gentle music]

I understand.

Do you want to know the truth?

You are a failure.

So stop using me to try to fix that.

Uh-oh, look at the time.


Word As Bond, kid.

I love you, I hate you, I'm on the fence What are we drinking to?

I'm up, I'm down, I'm on the mend Dead ends.

I like you, despise you, admire you What are we gonna do when everything all falls through?


I'm adjusting.

You used to hold your liquor better.

Yeah, well, I used to drink for fun.


Now I drink to get too f*cked up to go out and do anything worse.

God, I hope this works as a mixer.

I'll only disappoint you Oh [laughs]

did I forget to mention that I have to take this now?

'Cause I'm a junkie.



Just trying to stay straight long enough to find Reynard without falling the f*ck apart.

Kady, we're-- we're gonna find the son.

- You think?

- [pours drink]

I think you and me, put our minds together?

sh1t gets done.

Oh, God.

That is so stupid it's sad.

And I don't think you were listening when I said I'm not your f*cking girlfriend-- Good.

I don't want one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, you're very tough, right?


Oh, God--yeah, you're real cool.

You're not hearing me.

I am not your problem.

This isn't your chance to prove that you're some kind of hero.

You want your dick sucked?

Great, I can do that.

Then I'd love it if you'd f*ck off.

Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you [pours drink]

Give me all your money and I'll make some origami, honey I think you're a joke but I don't find you very [muffled whoosh]

[radio tuning]

[European music playing over radio]

[radio tuning]

[classical music playing]

[radio tuning]

[upbeat funk music playing]

[radio tuning]

BBC World News I had him stop for fish and chips.

Best shop in Dublin, he said.

Are you kidding me?

[engine turns over]

Wait, uh, no, no, just, uh, just wait here for a second.

You portaled us to Ireland?

[eerie music]


To do what?

- Where are we going?

- Home.

It's done.

We already did it.

Did what?

Alice, what did you do?

Uh, oh, uh, sir, where did we just come from?

About three streets that way.


Can we go back there now?


[gears shift]

Wait, Quentin, no.

I'm serious, don't.

Q, stop.

Hold on.

Q, please, wait.

Please, Quentin, don't.

[rope straining]

[gears clicking]

[religious choral music plays]

[birds fluttering, cooing]

You Tricked you with reverse psychology?

It was shockingly easy.

"No, don't go.


" - Alice, what did you do?

- Nothing.

I can't do magic, remember?

I'm stuck inside you.

So you did it.

[clears throat]

I believe you called to me with something personal, at the place of my transformation.

[circuits spark]

The music you got wrong.


Ah, but the birds.

I did love those.

All my life, I thought them God's most perfect works of art.

Just look at them.

[birds cooing]


Bit annoying, though.

All that cooing.

[soft chuckle]

Now, why did you summon me?

Or didn't you mean to do that?

Maybe it was you.

[tense music]

You can see me.

Of course I can.

What on earth are you doing inside this boy?

Friar Joseph, I-- I've been searching for you.

I need your help.

With him.

This crushable little field mouse?

Seni baglamak.

I bind you.

Seni baglamak.

I bind you!


Silly boy.

I can't be boxed.

I read about you.

Priests studying magic till they've gone too far that their brothers have to box them.

Except sometimes the boxing doesn't go right.

Yes, the occasional niffin did slip through.

That's what I thought.

Until I figured out that it wasn't a handful who escaped, it was just you.

You slipped away over and over again because you figured out how to do it.

You can't be boxed.

I need you to teach me.

- Al-- - Will you make him shut up?

- I can do anything in here.

- No, I won't-- [gagging]

[tense music]

I'll do anything.

I'm serious.




Let him go, if he passes out I won't be able to talk to you anymore.

- [whoosh]

- [gasps]


Please show me how you do it.

I've been like this for six centuries.

The things that I know now you cannot imagine.

That's what I want.

[brooding music]

Please, can I go with you?


With me?


You can't even get out of this shoddy little Magician.

How smart, how able could you be?

How could you help me with anything worthwhile?

Listen to me, it's not that simple.

But it is.

Free yourself.

But I can't.

The--the trap is-- Find a way.

Then find me.

Then I will show you a secret or two.

Because then you'll have proven that you deserve to know them.


Thanks for the birds.


- Alice-- - No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Alice, we can talk about this-- Just shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

The sound of your voice, your breath, your body, your mind, your weakness, I can't stand it.

Stop it.

[intense music]


Did you do that on purpose?


Then wha You know what this is.

This is your body trying to hold a niffin inside it.

You can't.

Not for much longer.

Or it's gonna kill us both.

[electrical crackling]

[soft rousing music]

[energy builds, sputters]


Did it work?


But-- Well, then, get out.

Okay, look.

It's gonna be okay.

I'm pregnant.

We're about to go into war.

We need the king.

I need my husband.


Well, you got me.

I'm gonna take care of you and the kid.

I will untangle this war sh1t somehow.

I know the High King has the power, but I will hunt Ember to the ends of the world to have that stupid rule rewritten.

Everything El promised, I'm gonna deliver.

You hear me?



Listen to High King Bambi.

[gentle music]

You're alive.


Nice of you to join us, asshole.

Really does sound like you got it all handled.

I do.

But it's more fun with you.

[soft laugh]

From "The Book of Dana Wallens.

" "His adoptive mother christened him John Spencer Gaines.

" Oh, my God.

You found his name.

Stole, technically.

But I think The Librarian might let it slide since now I'm an employee.

Wait--you-- you signed that insane contract?

Yeah, it's okay.

How the hell is that okay?

Because I get magic back.

Least the Order's upfront about what sh1t costs.

Plus, the way I see it, I should already be dead by now.

You know?

So this is all bonus.

Who gives a sh1t about all that future.

Did you do this for me?

Well, not just, but-- yeah.

You know, yeah, I did.

Were you not listening to a word I said?

Yeah, I was listening.

But guess what, it's not up to you to decide if you're worth my time.

I get to do whatever the f*ck I want with it, even if it is spend it on a girl that threatens to bail all the goddamn time.

'Cause guess what, Kady?

I didn't think I was ever gonna f*cking see you again.

And that puts sh1t into perspective.

[tender piano music]

I love you.




[door opens, closes]

Okay, enough.

What the f*ck?

- Can we do this another time?

- No.

First your mind was weird, then it got locked up, and now you're bleeding.

Are you high?

Are you possessed?

- What's-- - Why do you care?

Because like it or not, we're the closest thing you have to friends.

[blow lands]

Yeah, glass jaw.

Not a surprise.

Don't look at me.

Incept him.

I'll give it to you, you're practical.

[gentle whoosh]

Get out of here!

Right now!

[tense music]

Alice is in there!


I don't understand.

Neither do I, but she's in there and she just tried to kill me!

Okay, well, what the hell should we do?