01x06 - Holy Moly Night

[instrumental holiday music playing]

[wind blowing]

[siren wailing]

man 1: Look at the stash this Fitzsimmons kid had.

man 2: Lucky b*st*rd.

I had to jerk off to the Indian girl on the butter box.

man 3: We won't be taking any legal action.

He said it was an accident, and I'm inclined to believe him.

He seems like a good boy, unlike your other son.

Thank you, sir. You hear that, you jackals?

The man with the badge said it.

This five-alarm fire was not the boy's fault!

The witch hunt is over! My son is innocent!

What the f*ck did you do, you pyromaniac?!

It was an accident!

An accident is clipping a guy changing his tire on the interstate who was wearing dark clothes and he didn't light a flare.

Then it turns out he's a cop, so it'll be his word against yours, and who do you think the judge is gonna believe? Huh?

So you keep going, and you get your fender painted in a different state. That is an accident!

OK! I wanted to prove you were wrong when you called me a little pussy.

I... I never said that!

How did he hear you say that?

I can't find the dog anywhere!

I think he ran away when the fireworks exploded!

Ah, Jesus. Oh, no, buddy...

Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to f*cking put you through!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

We're all forgetting something very important.

I am now the good son.

Deal with it. [slurps]

Hey, make yourself useful. Go light your brother's cape on fire.

[up-tempo song playing]

[grunts, screams]

1x06 - "Holy Moly Night"

Frank: Rosie, you have every reason to be mad at me.

But we're down to the wire now.

We both know if you guys strike at midnight, the airline will not survive.

Dad, keep it down. I can't concentrate on my drawing.

[softly] Shut up.

Pogo is presenting my proposal to Dunbarton.

If you can get your guys behind it, we can avert the strike and save all our jobs.

You happy now? I just gave the dog two dicks.

Now someone's gonna bring us a double-dicked dog!


[softly] Hey!

Don't talk like that in front of your sister.

Ow! I'm outta here anyway. I have a job to go to.

Because now I'm the responsible son!

Oh, sh1t, I'm an hour late.

Thanks, Rosie. That means a lot. I'll see you there.

[hums indistinctly]

'Tis the day before Christmas!

Mwah. I'm so excited. And late.

It's OK, Sue.


I admit, I've got some catching up to do as far as the decorating.

It's only natural. You've been busy working your job.

Which I am 100 percent behind.

I know you are. I just got a late start, that's all.

I'll have us ready for our Christmas party tonight.

Honey, I really wish I could help you, but Dunbarton called a meeting.

It sounds like they're gonna go for my proposal.

That's great.


I think we can wrap this up in the next few hours.

It's fine, I can get it done.

Honey, we don't have to do the party this year.

Are you kidding me? This year is more important than ever.

We have some fence-mending to do around this neighborhood.

Speaking of which, the Petersen's fence burned down.

f*cking Bill.

What time does Emperor Nero have to be at church?

Father Pat said 11:30.

Well, he's gonna get there an hour early. I got sh1t to do.

[yells] Hey, Bill! Let's go!

[holiday music playing]

Hey, keep this guy away from the punch bowl.

Last year he tried to jump off the roof.

Hey, Frank!

Great. Get in the car and don't touch the cigarette lighter.

Frankie, I'm having an outta-sight wing-ding later.

Love it if you and Suzie-Q could come. Forecast calls for "snow."

Really? Goddamn it, I just shoveled.

The invite stands! It's gonna be a blast.

Hot cider, ice skating.

Some of my dwarf buddies are coming, they're wild.

I saw one eat a two-pound steak once!

Here we are, in you go.

Why do I have to be an altar boy?

Ah, 'cause church will set you straight. It's good for you.

Then how come you never go?

Because I already heard those stories a hundred times.

Look, if Jesus comes back and he does some more magical sh1t, I'll come down and listen to that. Now get in there.

Stay away from the candles!

[organ music playing]



Jesus! Sorry, Lord.

man: That's OK, no biggie.

What the f*ck?

I'm just pulling your leg. By the way, that's two Hail Marys for the F-word or you're going to hell.

I'm Father Pat. Welcome to the flock.

You'll be under the guidance of our head altar boy.

James! Would you show Bill the ropes?

Sure thing, Father. I'll show him the sh1t outta the ropes.

[ominous organ music plays]


You see him, Kenny?


Just tree candy.

He's not gonna be in a tree hole, idiot! [grunts]

Well, I'm not thinking straight. My diaper's froze.

I'm sorry. Let's keep looking.

If you'd been outside for two days straight with no food and you were tired and cold, where would you go?

I've been outside for two days with no food.

I'm going home!


Mr. Dunbarton. It's really good to see you again.

Frank Murphy. Pogo told me about your proposal.

It's smart. Real smart.

You've made me proud, Frank.

Thank you, sir.

[car door slams]

My shop steward tells me we have a deal?

Yes. If you accept the smaller cost of living increase, we won't cut any union jobs.

We can live with that.

Fine. Let's draw the contracts up and get this over with.

And not a minute too soon.

I'm due back in Indiana. Gotta be in Gary by midnight.

Well, I want to be in Brandy by midnight. [chortling]

[giggles] I'm Brandy!

And I'm Gary!

man: Tonight at eight, it's A Bing Crosby Family Christmas, with Bing and his sons!

# Pah rum pum pum #

Please stop, Daddy.

And Bing's special guests, Rich Little and TV's Colt Luger, Reid Harrison!

Sometimes a snowman's gotta do what a snowman does.

[audience laughs]

I'm not a crook!



One more down.

Oh! Oh! Oh... [yells] Son of a bitch!

Hey, Sue. Bite off more than you can chew?

Yeah, thanks a lot, kid. Merry Christmas!

It's customary to tip.

Oh, f*ck that.

Well, that's it. Another year of selling marked-up trees to hard-working idiots.

So, I guess this is where you pay me?

Oh, no, no, no, you're not done.

You don't get paid till all the trees are sold.

Hey, Doreen, want to come with me?

I gotta go meet the folks from Guinness Book of Records.

It's just a formality.

They gotta measure and validate the size of my pen1s.

Oh, so the world's biggest asshole has the world's smallest dick?

Ah, yeah, if it's so small, why you driving away from it? Huh?


Sell those trees!

[tires squealing]

What are you smiling about? Stupid festive dildo.

So what, your folks make you do this 'cause you torched the woods?


I hear ya.

I'm here for sticking a pencil in the milk man's leg.

Asshole wouldn't give me heavy cream!

[chuckles] Can I ask you something? Why haven't you killed me yet?

Took a lot of balls to go psycho like that.

And I respect the f*ck outta balls!

Hey, keep a look out.

Hey, that's for the poor.

So what? I'm poor.

Take this and keep your mouth shut.

What do I do with it?

Just put it in your bra and say, "Thank you, Jimmy."

You and me are gonna get along just fine.

I'm glad we could reach a deal without resorting to more ungentlemanly means, methods or tactics.

Thankfully, we'll only be using our shovels for snow this year.

Well said.

Since Frank Murphy brokered the agreement, we've given him the honor of distributing the ceremonial pens.

Can I get a pen, too?

Oh, no, it's just for those two. There's only two pens.

What are you saying? Brandy isn't good enough to have a pen?

No, she's great. It's just that she's not a signatory of this legal document.

So she's a common whore, is that right?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

You think she's just my f*ck doll?

Everybody thinks that, but I don't!

What the hell is going on?

Yes, come on! Let's just focus on signing the deal!

There is no deal!

Then we are calling this strike right now!

Go ahead!

I wouldn't shake the hand of any man who disrespects my wife!

I thought that was your daughter.

You think I'd f*ck something as old as my daughter?!

I will drown you!

No, no, no, no! Put that away!


Nice trees! Want to buy a tree?

Want to buy a tree for tha...

Trying to be good here, you asshole! Help me out!

Oh, f*ck this.


man: Hey!

Ah, sh1t.

Oh, don't look at me like that. These aren't the body of Christ till they've been blessed during transubstantiation.

Here, take a swig. Come on, drink it!

Uh, OK, sure.

[door opens]

Five minutes, gentlemen. Biggest show of the year.

Yes, Father!

[sighs] Just gotta warm up a little.

Wa-Wa-Wa-Water and wine are wonderful.

He kissed a leper's foot, don't throw rocks at a whore.

Leper, whore, whore, whore, whore, leper, whore.

[door closes]

Good, he's gone.

Now listen up. Tonight, during the sermon, we're gonna come back here and break into this safe and get us some gold chalices.

What? Uh, I don't think...

The combination is written down here somewhere. Help me find it.

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to beat the f*ck outta you, either, but I will if you don't help me.

You can do what you want, but I'm not doing it.

Do it!

Ow! No!


You soiled my surplice, you f*cking catamite!


Oh, sh1t.

man: Please, gentlemen, there's still plenty of time to talk.

Rosie: Talking is over! This union is on strike!

Dunbarton: I'll replace you all in an eye blink!

Pogo: I have a dozen scabs ready to go!

Rosie: You have a dozen scabs on your titties, fat boy!

man on radio: A low of 27 tonight with flurries on Christmas Day. Music of the season continues now.

["O Holy Night" playing]

Ah, sh1t.

[overlapping chatter]

[sings off-key to "O Holy Night"]

[loud thunk]

[music stops]

Yeah. Oh, you like that?

God, yeah!


What the f*ck?!

How's it going, Frank?

Why is there a person and a half f*cking on the hood of my car?

Because he's a man, Frank. A man named Skee-Ball.

A man with desires, just like you and me.

But the only job society lets him have is playing an elf at the mall.

Or the occasional cookie commercial. Frank, this man earned this.

Let him f*ck on your car.

Thanks, Vic. You get me.

But I wanna know who's gonna pay for the tiny ass dent on the hood of my car.

It's all good, man.

No, it's not, Vic. It's not all good!


Ah, Christ.

That's all I get from you?

As hard as I've been working all day for the party?

Oh, what party? There is no party! We're on strike!


It's a long story. We were gonna sign!

There were fancy pens!

He's got a trophy wife, they were shiny. It all fell apart!

We can't let it ruin Christmas!

Christmas? This is the real world, Susan!

If this doesn't work out, next year we'll be having Christmas on Skid Row!

Keep your voice down!

We have to put on a brave face for the kids.

The kids? Who, the flunky? The pyro?

Mr. f*cking Coconut? Face it, Sue.

Our family is pretty f*cked up!

How dare you say that!

Dad, I need 20 bucks so I can tell my boss I sold these trees.

And 50 bucks to fix a guy's windshield.

Exhibit A!

I looked everywhere and I still can't find Major! [sobbing]

What if he's dead?

Oh, then he's the lucky one!

Frank Murphy, you stop that right now!

Honey, he didn't mean that.

Seriously, Dad, I need that money.

That guy said he might sue you.

Well, he'd better do it quick.

Jimmy Fitzsimmons is coming to kill me!

Oh, there you go, perfect!

Let's just bring all the bad news at once! Whoo!

Come on, Santa, my mouth's wide open!

Fly up on the roof and sh1t down my neck!


Hey! Murphy!

Where is the little sh1t who hurt my son?


Can I help you?

Your kid almost killed my kid.

Little prick looks OK to me.

He tried to get my son to rob the church!

That's not true!

Yes, it is, you liar!

Leave Bill alone, piss breath!

It's not my fault! I have a dead tooth!

Go away, Jimmy!

She tried to gouge my eyes out!

Christ, are all your kids psycho?

Hey! Hey!

Nobody calls one of my kids a psycho except me!

Thanks, Dad.

Shut up!

You are way outta line coming over to my house and insulting my family. You owe us all an apology.

Ooh! "Apology!" Somebody went to college.

I didn't go to college, I went to Korea.

You should've stayed there, you piece of sh1t!

Watch your mouth.

Mind your own business, you f*cking nosey bi...



[overlapping grunts]

Goddamn it!

[yells] Oh!

Skee-Ball, no! [gasping]

[groans] Jesus, Sue!

Get the f*ck off my lawn!

Your whole family's crazy!

I've got the best family in this whole goddamn town!

And don't you ever come back!

You mean that about us?

[panting] You're damn right, I do.

You all right, champ?


Jesus Christ, I'm outta shape.

Thanks, Dad.

OK, all right, all right.

There's dwarves watching.

[Sue kisses]

[Frank chuckles]

We got some good kids.

They're OK.

[Major barks]


Look who I f... [shouts]

[Major whining]

Major, I missed you so much!

Oh, there you are, boy! You're home!

And you're still just as fat. What've you been eating?

Well, I guess I should be going.

Ah, get back in here, you lonely old b*st*rd! Come on, we're having a party!

man on TV: This is a special report from Channel Nine News.

I won't be home for Christmas?

That's the sad story here at Rustbelt Memorial Airport, where the striking baggage handlers of Mohican Airways have grounded all flights.

There seems to be no solution in sight as management has taken a firm stance against the union.

Dunbarton: You should all be shot!

Dad, your friend's on TV.

Nah, nah, nah, that's just my boss, not my friend.

You gotta go down there, don't you?

If I don't, it's just gonna get worse.

OK, you go do what you gotta do. We'll be here for you.

Get a room.

f*ck you, get an apartment.

[chanting] ...on Christmas Day! Mohican brave, noble savage, you go carry your own baggage!

Mohican brave, noble savage...

Jim, it breaks my heart to see homesick travelers denied the opportunity to go home to their families on Christmas.

And honestly, I think it's a gutless play by the union.

It wasn't long ago that abandoning your post got you put in front of a firing squad.

Maybe that's why they call it "the good ol' days."

Mr. Dunbarton.

What do you want?

Sir, I just left my wife and kids back home.

We had a terrible Christmas Eve, but we stuck together and got through it, because that's what a family does.

And I'd like to think all of us at Mohican, well, we're a family too.

Who the f*ck told Andy Williams to come?

Let him speak, Bob. You have something to say?

We've gotta get this.

I know it's a little schmaltzy, but we are a family and now we need to pull together.

We were all set to sign that deal today and avoid this strike.

But you let it fall apart because of a pen.

And your wife, who some of us thought was your daughter.

Mr. Dunbarton, you're the head of this family.

And only you can pull us together.

You can stick to your pride and ego, trust me, I've been there, or you can get past all that and sign the fair contract we all agreed to.

So what do you say?

Sign this deal and save the Mohican Airways family.

Murphy, your words are very moving.

And I think I can find a way to make this deal work and make me happy.

Gimme that contract.

[chanting] Murphy! Murphy! Murphy! Murphy!

man on TV: There you have it.


A strike ended, a company mended, a Christmas that's truly splendid.

Well, this is Jim Jeffords, believing in miracles again, Channel Nine News.

If that doesn't win me a Peabody, I will blow a horse.

Frank, no one's talked to me like that in 30 years.

Just spoke from the heart, sir.

Merry Christmas.

Congratulations, Frank. Your little sermon saved the airline.

Ah, thanks, Bob.

Tell Mr. Dunbarton if there's anything he needs, I'll do it.

Well, there is one thing...

Anything, just name it!

He needs you to clean out your office.


You're done, Frank.

He's firing me on... on Christmas?

No, no, he's firing you on Christmas Eve.

That way you can watch your kids open the presents you can't afford.

You blew it, Frank! You insulted Dunbarton!

All I did was appeal to his humanity.


Bob. I got a family to feed. What am I gonna do?

Not my problem, you f*cking traitor.

It was a mistake to promote you anyway.

You weren't fit for management. Happy Holidays.

Frank, what are you doing? We're done here.

You are, but I'm not.

What are you doing?

Not fit for management? I've been carrying you for three months.

I just saved the airline, saved your goddamn job, which appears to be nothing more than eating, and you stood by while I got fired?!

Well, f*ck you, f*ck Dunbarton, and f*ck you, you miserable tub of living sh1t!

Hey. Hey, you want these?

Huh? You want your keys?

Don't you dare throw them.

I wouldn't do that to you, Bobby. They're at your feet.

You fucker!

[horn blaring]

Merry Christmas, Bob.

[horn honking]

[groaning] You fucker! You're not human!

You can't leave me here! I'll die!

[sad music plays]

[clicking] Vic?

Hey, neighbor.

Jesus, Vic, you're gonna freeze to death.

Oh, I'm not shaking because I'm cold. You know what I mean?

Nah, Vic, I never know what you mean.

Here, here, come here. Take my coat.

Oh. Thanks, man. You go on home now.

Have yourself a Merry Little.

Vic, I lost my job tonight.

f*cking Santa, man.

I don't know how to tell Sue. Christ, this is gonna kill her.

No, man, she'll be all right. She loves you.

Your kids love you. You'll be OK.

You guys are solid.

How would you know that?

I see you over there, cooking out, tossing the ball with the boys.

It's beautiful. You guys are like a Norman Rockwell painting.

You want a bumperooski?

No, no, no.

Hey, where's all your guests?

Oh, Christmas is for family, Frank.

I'm for the other 364 days of the year.

I'm, uh, gonna go inside.

Hey, Vic, um... would you like to join us?

[softly] Oh, yeah, I could seriously dig that, Frank.


Better take a reindeer check, Frankincense.

This dude and I gotta tangle.

All right, now, super-freak, party's over.


[glass shattering]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, slow it down, hot sauce!


You're on a bad trip, brother!

Let me talk you down! Have a little O.J.

Hey, hey! [voice fading] I'll rub your hooves!

Let's talk about it!

You can do this, Frank.

No, you can't.

[cheering, chattering]

[up-tempo holiday music playing]


[casing clatters]