02x03 - How the Liver and the Salad Conspired to Ruin Todd's Good Deed

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret."

This is our very last can.

Todd Margaret: I'm from the Death Wish Foundation, and we make dreams come true for dying, Ret*rded women.

Dave: And, you know, where you spent your summers in Leeds?

Yeah.

You lived in a hospital.

Hudson: Hello-- I'm Hudson. Well, I'm from Canada actually.

I'm just working in Leeds.

I just popped down to see Alice.

I'm not so sure This is a good idea, guys.

S02E03 - "How The Liver and The Salad Conspired to Ruin Todd's Good Deed"
Original Air Date on January 20, 2012

Oh, this must bring back a lot of memories, eh?

Young Todd Margaret playing around with his mates In the old oncology ward.

Can we please just get me back to bed, Dave?

My ass anesthetic is startin' to wear off.

Oh, come on-- I wanna see where you grew up.

Okay, look, Dave-- all right.

I'm gonna be honest with you. All right?

Let you in on a little secret.

Um, you know, I said I grew up in Leeds.

Oh, and it's a good job you did-- you know, when I told my uncle about how you were born in Leeds, spent your summers here, in this hospital, well, we couldn't make that deal soon enough.

Look--

R-really?

Yeah-- you got it!

Oh, my god-- that's great!

Oh, man!

Oh, Wilts is gonna be so psyched.

Me, too-- I'm gonna be psyched.

Oh, yeah, they were all beaming with local Leeds pride.

"One of their own," they kept saying.

"Better be-- one of our own."

Anyway, I'm sorry. You were supposed to tell me A secret about something.

Oh, uh, just, uh, that over there is where I got my first hand job.

Oh-- I'm not sure that really counts, Todd.

Anyway, let's get you back and drugged up, shall we?

Uh, left.

Left it is.

Oh-- well, this isn't it.

Uh, no.

This is the kitchen, obviously.

I just wanted to show you this.

Doesn't look much like a kitchen, either.

Well, it is. There-there's the blender, and there's the food gurney, and the fridge-- come on.

You've seen one kitchen-- You've seen 'em all.

Come on-- we gotta go.

Oh, I'm just gonna grab a cold drink.

Oh, well, there's probably not drinks in there 'cause it's, uh--

Oh, dr. Spensen.

His lunchbox, I presume.

Yeah-- it's just staff lunch.

Keeps it in here-- you know, just, yeah, deli meats, that kinda thing, just sort of, uh-- oh, god!

Oh, god-- oh, god! Oh, no-- no!

Oh, god!

Okay. Well, pick this up 'cause this is important.

Oh, that's-- oh, oh!

No, wait-- oh, god!

Ah!

Oh, it's a wriggly, little thing, isn't it?

I know-- it's not-- it's--

Usually, it's barbecued.

Okay, come on.

Get in there-- get in!

Get in!

Alice Bell: Oh, for god sake!

Oh, please? Call me Todd-- yes.

It-it's called role-playing.

It's-it's like Dr. Kirchenbaum said.

I thought you said his doctor's name was Palmer.

Well, yeah-- that was one of his doctors, but it was Dr. Kirchenbaum, he was the one that discovered that Todd, uh, well, he had this acute case of, uh, penis envy.

What?

Todd was bitterly jealous of his imaginary friend's penis.

And to be quite fair, it-it was very big.

Okay-- where's this taxi? I'm gonna be late for my train.

I wish you could see what Todd's mother and I see in him.

I mean, the qualities that made us adopt him in the first place.

If you could see those, then I'm just really sure you'd give it another sh*t.

There is no "another sh*t."

There was never a sh*t to begin with.

Ju-- Todd means well, but I just-- I'm not interested.

I'm sorry.

My dad is gonna be so upset.

I just don't even know what I'm gonna say to him.

No, but that's my taxi.

What?

Todd's adopted?

Whew-- finally.

I feel like I could sleep for three days.

Again, excuse me.

How long before the morphine takes effect?

Now.

That was dropped off for Mr. Margaret earlier.

Oh, yeah.

How ya feeling, Todd?

Good-good-good.

Uh, I miss butterscotch.

Aw-- hey, boss, your buddy Hudson, he sent you a bear.

Ugh-- Hudson? That guy? He's Alice's ex.

He's still trying to get with her, but she's just friend.

Yeah-- her tits are fine. I don't know what I was thinking-- wait.

He's here?

Hey, Todd-- look at me. I'm a talking bear.

Hudson?

I heard you got creamed at a rugby game-- ouch!

Sorry I couldn't visit you--

How did you be a bear?

It's crazy news.

Alice got a job at La Molecule.

Yeah, meeting her there tonight.

She wants to thank me, If you know what I mean.

I think she thinks I had something to do with it.

What?

Anyway, feel better.

I don't know how long these things go.

What did you say?

Look at me. I'm a talking bear.

Sorry I couldn't visit you--

No, not that part, after that.

It's crazy news. Alice got a job at La Molecule.

Yeah, I know. I got her that job.

She wants to thank me, if you know what I mean.

No-- this isn't fair.

I think she thinks I had something to do with it.

This is like a reverse "Othello."

He's stealing her with lies, my lies.

Anyway, feel better. I don't know how long these things go.

What are you doing?

Huh? I have to get back to the La Molecule.

I have to go back to London.

No, you don't! No-- Dave!

Dave, go get the truck.

I gotta break out of here.

Break out? You can just discharge yourself.

Okay.

No-no-no, Todd.

I mean you can sign out at the front desk.

Okay, yeah-yeah.

Just go get the truck. I'll meet you out in five.

All right.

Don't forget your morphine.

Yes, the morphine.

Hey, Todd, look at me.

I'm a talking bear.

Hey, Hudson bear, can I talk to you for one second?

Sorry I couldn't visit you.

I have to go back to London.

Todd, Alice-- want me.

Uh, you sleep with jesus bear, now.

Hi-- uh, Todd Margaret checking out of room one I was in-- um, also, I ordered Salisbury steak, and I didn't order potatoes, but it came with potatoes, so I didn't want the potatoes.

Can get that off the bill, please?

So then, I'll just need your credit card.

Yeah-- uh, how much are we talking, you think?

I have to check.

Thousands of pounds.

What?

How many thousands?

One thousands?

You were in intensive care in a coma for three days.

Really?

I don't remember any of that.

Your liability is most likely to be in the hundreds of thousands.

Wait, okay-- I'm-I'm sorry.

I thought, um, healthcare was free in this country, no matter what.

That's how Obama's trying to f*ck us over and have that in America.

Healthcare is free, if you're born here.

Well, that's r*cist.

Can I get that credit card, please?

No-- uh, it's, uh, this is not my good card.

My good card is in my pants in the room. I left it in the room.

Call the maid. Tell 'em not to clean up, and I'll go get--

I'll have to go get, Um, let me go get to, Uh, uh, my room, okay?

I have to get my other pants.

And then, um, then I'll come right back, okay?

It's downstairs. I just gotta go downstairs. I'm going downstairs.

What do you mean, it's gone missing?

It's the only compatible liver we found-- that or Professor Spensen will die.

Check the security tapes.

Just have to get these to dr. House.

Is mr. Margaret still here?

Turns out, he is on the system. Just weren't looking back far enough.

Drive, drive!

I gotta-I gotta get this Thunder Muscle to...

So, let's finish.

We've got the frozen Tiger Palm Valuta on an invisible spoon, uh, made of pure nitrogen.

Yeah.

Okay-- I'll have to call you back.

What?

Chef, uh, Death Wish Foundation woman's here.

Already?

Oh, god-- she got one of those really big heads?

No-- she looks kinda normal.

Let's have a look.

I'm so nervous.

You know what I'm like with sick people.

I don't wanna talk to her.

She's only got two days to live.

Well, I can't stay in here for two days, can I?

Oh, you meant-- right-- yeah.

Alice: Oh!

Uh, oh.

Hello, Alice.

Oh, my god!

Oh, it's such an honor to meet you.

Oh, uh, um, you're my hero.

It's a dweam come tue to wook here.

You know what?

I'm-I'm sorry-- I--

Oh, no-- no, I tasted, um, the sauce, uh, delitous.

Oh, good for you.

You got the bus here by yourself, did you?

Oh, Alice got the bus here all by herself.

Uh, no-- um, no.

Um, it's the-the sauce. It's just-- it's delicious.

Um, I got the train.

You all right?

It comes and goes, does it?

What-what-- sorry, what does?

Nothing-- we are so happy to have you here today.

Oh, how did you find out about me?

Was it my essay on twelve tasty electrons?

We met someone who wanted to remain anonymous and he told us what a brilliant, little chef you are.

I knew it was Hudson.

He didn't want to give his name, but he-he's bald. He's-- nice suit, american.

Yeah-yeah. No, that's-that's him. And he's canadian, actually.

And you left out gorgeous.

I did leave that out, yes.

Oh, I suppose he's, you know, he's not everyone's type.

Well, he's definitely not mine.

Um...

Oh, don't listen to me.

I'm old fashioned.

Um, let's-let's get started.

Great-- um, well, I, um, I wanted to start with the demagnetized souffle. I, um--

Oh, no, sweetheart. Aren't you precious?

Um, no souffle. We are going to make something way more fun.

Oh.

A side salad.

Oh.

Brent Wilts: We have to cover that and that, but we've already been there.

So, this-- we have to cover that and that.

Doug Whitney: Ah, you know what?

Suddenly Sherlock messed up my snuff order.

I'm taking all my business to Holmes depot from here on.

You know what?

If this connects to this, then voila-- right?

What did you do?

That-that's-- don't touch my mind map!

Did your dad f*ck a calculator to get you or what?

I mean, come on.

We've been staring at this thing for days and still, we're getting nowhere.

I'm calling Todd Margaret, again.

Dave: Todd Margaret's phone.

Finally, Todd-- jesus!

By the way, you sound gayer than usual.

It's Dave, Todd's director of strategy.

Todd's just having a little kip at the moment.

Whatever the f*ck that is. All right-- tell him to call mr. Wilts.

Willips?

No, Wilts, and tell him we're having trouble finding this Mountford guy.

Mountford?

Uh, well, maybe I could be of some help-- have you got a mobile number for him?

No, not a current one. He keeps changing it.

Oh, that's too bad.

See, if you did, I would've been able to use my mobile Trace Tracker 3,000 to track the call.

But, uh, since you don't, uh, why don't you try looking at the census?

That should have the addresses of all the Mountfords in London.

You got an initial for him?

Yeah, a "d."

A "d."

Yeah, just go online.

It's www. Census. Gov. Co. Uk.

Great, thank you.

Hey, that's my shirt.

Don't worry about it.

You got another shirt in the toilet.

Oh, and, uh, make sure to take a gift.

A gift?

Yeah, uh, it's seen as polite in the UK to take a gift whenever conducting an investigation-- nothing major-- just a phone charger, like a, uh, a Tomsung 32-7-eg phone charger.

Hey, yeah-- this is great.

Hey, listen-- can you tell, uh, Todd Margaret to get on the line for a second?

Uh, Todd, it's Wilts.

Todd: Hey, mr. Wilts.

Hey, Todd-- where'd you find this Dave guy?

He's a genius.

Wait second. I thought you hired him.

Uh, shouldn't you tell Mr. Wilts about that big deal you just made?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Brent Wilts, awesome news!

I made the deal.

What-- you got the money?

Oh, my god! That is f*cking fantastic, Todd!

Jesus-- yes!

This is great news-- I really needed to hear this, Todd.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't have the money, uh, right on me, but I-I'll have it in five days.

Five days? Five days?

I need it in four days. Can we get it in four days?

Uh, can we get it in four days?

Nnn.

f*cking typical brits.

All right-- tell Dave that I need him in London, right now, and to bring his a-game. I need him on this f*cking Mountford thing, all right?

All right. Looks like we found ourselves a real Sherlock here.

Excuse me?

We need to find an internet cafe.

Time to q*eer up, Sherlock shitpipe.

Drive back to London?

Yes-- you really impressed mr. Wilts back there, and I've decided to send you back there to help him.

But I'm gonna need the truck, though.

How am I supposed to get back?

You know what?

Take my morphine.

Ah!

Ow!

It'll make the walk go like nothin'.

I'm going to need the helicopter.

Well done, Alice.

You took the lettuce out of the bowl and put it on the plate perfectly.

Alice: Yeah, it was a real challenge.

Yeah-- you did it.

I soldered a dressing, though-- it's an homage to your micro visible sweat resistant blood orange polyroot crumble.

I'd love to know what you think.

Mmm-- very, very good.

Wait, but you didn't even taste it.

What-- wow!

That's-that's really, really good-- fantastic.

Yeah? Not too much petroleum?

On the contrary.

That's absolutely delicious.

I-I wish I could hire you, But--

No, just, you know, the-the fact that you'd even think of hiring someone like me, it's-- if I could work here for one day, I would die a happy woman.

You're hired.

Really-- are you serious?

When-when do I start?

Tomorrow, first thing.

I'm so happy!

Mmm.

Thank you.

Oh!

I told you she was great.

You're welcome.

But you know all that stuff about remaining anonymous?

Don't worry about it.

You can totally mention my name a lot, except don't mention the her dying thing or the death wish thing.

And also--

Are you all right?

She shows a lot of promise, that one.

What if, against all odds, she miraculously confounded medical science and actually b*at this g*dd*mn retardation disease that's k*lling her?

I mean, she has a job, now, so she's got something to live for.

Well, that's not gonna happen, is it?

But what if it did? Think of the publicity coup.

Oh!

Don't do this.

Don't let hope back into your heart.

Okay, I-- oh!

Oh!

Hey.

Hudson!

Hudson: Hey, Alice.

Hi-- how are you?

Good-- how you doing?

I'm great, I'm great.

Man, this is so not fair.

Do you want me to tell her it was you?

Yeah-- just go because that-- no, don't.

I mean, yes-- what if...

She looks so happy.

I don't wanna take that away from her.

No, don't.

Can I, uh, get the keys to my truck.

Uh, well, you can have the keys to my truck, and I'll help you unload the thunder muscle, but, uh, you can't have the whole truck.

That's not the deal we made.

I let your sick friend work here for the rest of her life, and you give me, and I quote, "a truck full of Thunder Muscle."

No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

I said, "a truck-full of thunder muscle,"

Not "truck," comma, new word, "full."

No, it's truck-dash-full, truck-full.

Hmm-- no, truck, full.

Hmm-- truck-full.

If you go back on your word, I'll go out there, tell her you're here and that she's only got two days to live.

[ music ]

Good-bye, Alice, Probably forever, this time.

Your dressing.

Oh, that's good.

Jesus, that is tasty.

Bring some of that home.

Oh, ha-ha.

A little something to remember you by.

Hang on. I've just gotta get my bag.

Wilts: Seriously, Whitney. Why'd you rent this piece of sh*t?

It's like the gayest f*cking car I ever sat in.

Doug: It's a hybrid.

Yeah, it's a hybrid, half car, half f*ckin' handbag.

Look, I'm sorry if I care about the environment of the world my children are gonna grow up in.

Children?

Hey, Douglas, you do realize you'd have to do sex on a woman first, right?

And even if you were to perform that miracle, how are you planning on keeping her out of the abortion clinic?

See-- I said it nicer.

Mr. Wilts, you're the sidekick.

I deliver the smackdowns.

And if you continue to talk about me or my unborn children, then I'm gonna have to--

And get back to me on it.

Look at this f*ckin' place, huh?

Okay, this is the third Mountford on our list.

Hey, you know what? That's the crest of the cousin of Lancelot.

I took a course in, uh, crest identification.

It's actually a big turn-on of mine.

[ snoring ]

Holy sh*t-- I just fell asleep and I had this nightmare that you were talking to me about really boring sh*t.

Oh, f*ck, it's happening!

Yes?

Oh, hi, this is Doug Whitney and associate.

We're from the Doug Whitney and associates detective agency.

We have a few questions for mr. Mountford.

Lord Mountford isn't available at the moment.

He's attending his annual symposium for women trapped beneath the glass ceiling this week at the academic society of Westminster.

Uh, thank you.

Good day.

Uh, good day, you fucknut.

All right, well, just leave the f*ckin' charger, and let's drive the batmo-q*eer back to London.

It's a hybrid.

Idiots!

Ah, that was a lot of fun.

Do you know what would be fun tomorrow?

If we followed them around for a bit.

Yes--

I was thinking, uh, maybe I might be able to go home, sir.

I don't believe your job description involves thinking, does it?

I don't think it-- no, sir.

Good-- now, run out and get my phone charger.

I'm nearly out of battery.

Yes, sir.

I did not say, "walk!" I said, "run!"

Do you want me to chase you? I will chase you!

Todd: Mehtap?

Oh, right, our date.

Well, I can't just call her.

What am I supposed to say? I forgot?

Tsk-- that'd just blow up in my face.

[ music ]