03x03 - The Decisions of Todd Margaret

[bunniefuu]

man: And yea, verily, doth it be decreed in Book Three, Chapter Three that the Catalyst did visit the Rulemakers, did consume fire, and in twilight's vision, sought the answer to the middle of the end...

♪
♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪

(phone ringing)

(phone continues ringing)

(muffled shouting)

(muffled shouting and phone ringing continue)

IDIOT!

Dave, call the airline, and have my luggage re-re-routed back here and then sent to the company apartment.

I'm also gonna need some other things for the company apartment.

Um, toiletries, groceries, a TV, all the appliances.

And uh, probably going to need a winter coat as well.

Hey Todd, is this a good time?

No, Doug, not really, no.

Okay, I can wait.

What is it, Doug?

Oh, is now a good time?

I was doing a little sleuthing and did you know that the requisition form for the microwave has not...

Jesus, Doug!

If I were to make a list of all my problems, do you know where finding you a microwave would come?

Third? No, second.

Last.

Just after getting every other human being on the planet a microwave!

You know, I don't know what's happening.

This isn't like me to mess up.

I mean, this is like that dream I had the night before I came here, except this is really happening.

Ha, this is rich.

Big, bad, sexy Brent Wilts, scared of a little ghost.

What'd you just say?

I said "That's rich.

Big bad Todd Margaret scared of a little dream."

Doug, just go away, all right?

They're about to feed me to the lions and I'm sitting here, worrying about...

(snaps fingers) That's it!

Where's Mountford?

Where's Lord Mountford?

Oh, he just left.

But you can probably still catch him.

Belinda, meet me at The Academic Society of Westminster in fifteen?

Sorry to dump all this sh*t on you right now, but my 12:30 cancelled.

Lord Mountford, sir!

What if we take the crater and instead of paying the costs to repair and fill it, we leave it, but use that money to create a beautiful, state-of-the-art amphitheater like the Roman Colosseum.

A gift to Hertfordshire from Global National?

That... could work.

Get local MP Jeremy Stephenson on board.

Call it the Jeremy Stephenson Theatre.

He's certainly a man who loves himself.

He'll pull it off.

That's more like it, Margaret.

I'll call the boy, have a meeting arranged.

Oh, sir, I've just received word.

You are to meet with Jeremy Stephenson this afternoon in the Houses of Parliament.

Wow, that was surprisingly quick.

You might be overqualified for this job.

Well, my father told me I need to understand every single aspect of this company if I'm to run the place one day.

(chuckling) Did he now?

Did he also explain that this is a cutthroat business and you're gonna have to sh*t on a lot of people to get there?

Several times.

All right, send the guy a fruit basket, right?

Butter him up.

And... and... and if I may, you might want to shave first.

It is Westminster.

Oh yeah, good call.

Also, that Alice Bell woman's calling again.

She's on line two.

Oh, I don't have time for that.

Oh, what should I tell her?

Tell her to call my cell.

Okay, does she have your number?

Nope!

Very good.

Dave: Oh!

You shaved off the goatee.

Yeah, you just said shave it.

Well, I meant more of a kind of tidy up.

But it looks good!

Very... parliamentary, my dear Watson.

Oh, you may want to try this one on, sir, I believe the size should be correct.

Whoa, my God, you're thorough.

Yes, indeed, ha!

Stitched you up quite nicely!

I'm impressed, Dave.

You might be the world's best...

Director of Strategy, whatever it is.

Maybe your dad's not so full of crap, huh?

It's just after 1, yes, I believe he should empty by now.

Selfie with the world's best boss!

All right, I don't like, okay...

Great, that's enough. That's good.

Where's the cab?

Oh, downstairs, sir.

Also, I have put together a little information pack for you on Jeremy Stephenson, sir.

Very good and you don't have to keep calling me "sir".

I don't need all that formality.

Yes, mate sir.

All right, just "mate," "Todd,"... Both are fine.

Todd, interesting new wrinkle.

It's Mr. Margaret.

Mr. Margaret, interesting new wrinkle.

In my sleuthifications, I discovered many charges to Mr. Wilt's credit card... now cancelled...

All going to one Peppermint Fingerbangs.

In following up, it seems he met with a mystery man.

Medium build, goatee...

Okay, you know what?

Do call me Todd... (nervous chuckle)

Doug, I know how important this microwave is to you.

We have been without a microwave for almost six weeks.

I know, that's what... what?

Did... you didn't just say six weeks?

SIX weeks?

I thought it was one week.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea. I had no...

God, these sons of b*tches!

Oh, Doug, they're gonna pay for this.

Oh, those mother...

Why?

Why would they do that?

I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

That's, that's like Guantanamo Bay sh*t!

Okay, you know what we gotta do?

I just need Mr. Wilts to sign the requisition form.

Of course you do. Of course!

Oh, my God, okay, I...

I can't do that. I can't...

No, I have to, I... All right, here's what we're gonna do.

Doug, you need to find Brent Wilts, okay?

Forget what you're working on now.

Forget about all this stuff and just make that your top priority, okay?

We've got to get this microwave!

Doug Whitney is on the case!

Okay, great. And Doug, when you do find him, don't talk to him, don't engage him, just report immediately back to me, and me only, okay?

Let's keep this under Sherlock and key.

Sher... Sherlock and key.

Lock and key. Sher-lock and key.

(cell phone rings)

Hello?

You're never going to guess what happened to me.

How did you get my... ?

I gotta call you back,

Look, I've had, hands down, the shittiest morning.

Well, I doubt that.

Look, Alice, I'm super busy,

I really don't have time to play a who had the worst morning contest with you.

Oh well, I can help you then.

It was me!

Anyway, that's not why I'm calling.

It's about the license for the garden party.

Do they not teach the meaning of the word "busy" in England?

No! But they do teach the meaning of "giant arsehole"!

Oh, heh heh,

Alice, I've got a license for you.

Really? Because I don't...

Yeah.

It's a license for you to f*ck off... I'm busy.

Wha... ?!

Wow, you, Todd Margaret, are a charmless prick.

I was actually calling to tell you that you don't have to bother because we've moved it, so I don't need it anymore, you giant arsehole.

Yeah, all right, great.

Anywhere here is good.

(Big Ben bells chiming)

(chimes booming the hour)

♪

Hello?

Mr. Stephenson?

Oh, good.

♪

Mister...

Stephenson... Jesus!

♪

Phew, that was a good one.

deaf man: My name, Russ.

Oh, my God, you're all deaf.

What kind of freak show is this?

This is my worst nightmare coming true.

Cumberland Heights.

I gotta write this sh*t down.

Okay, okay, okay, uh, The MP who jerked himself off... to death, I should... "to death,"

The deaf group, the deaf group.

Okay, what else? Uh, the poppy lady.

Oh and the, the rugby guys, the rugby, rugby.

Thunder Muscle, of course.

Dave, Alice, I get sent to London by Brent Wilts.

That's crazy, I mean, look, all this sh*t is coming true.

'Cause in the dream...

I destroy the world.

I, I de... I dest...

Okay, enough, this is crazy.

Here you go, mate, Cumberland Heights.

Oh, thank you.

OH MY GOD!

♪

Oh, you meant the nice one.

Okay, calm down, calm down.

I'm being sil...

Huh, good.

Oh! Dream journal.

Okay.

So...

Oh yeah!

In the dream, Fanny dies.

(call ringing through)

Stephanie: Hey honeybear!

Hey!

I miss you.

Fanny is doing great by the way.

She's a great cat!

Oh!

That's actually one of the reasons I was calling.

Nah, why? What did you hear?

Nothing. Why?

What do you mean, what did I hear?

I mean, oh, oh, ha ha, I love this cat!

She's licking me! Ah ha ha!

Aww!

Hey, so listen, remember I told you about that crazy f*cked-up dream where I come to London and all the weirdness happens and then at the end, I, I blow up the world?

Yeah.

Well, all these aspects of it are coming true.

Or, or, at least, like uh, y'know, appearing, in real life, I mean.

I... It's nuts.

I told you! You have to write the dream journal.

I know, I know! I... I... I... I'm doing it!

I, I just, wish I could remember it all.

Yeah, well, you just have to recreate it.

That's what Professor Tillman says.

Recreate it?

How do I recreate a dream?

A dream is just a response to the previous day's stimuli.

So, everything you did the night of the dream you replicate in the exact same way.

Todd... in your dream, was Fanny in it?

Good point.

Yes, that's one of the reasons I was calling besides to tell you how hot you are.

What do you mean, "good point"?

Uh, 'cause in the dream Fanny dies.

In like this really horrific way.

Right in my kitchen.

So, I mean, you know, it's not all coming true.

That's a, a relief, huh?

I was just being paranoid, I know, um...

What do you thi... Hello?

Steph, Stephanie? Hello?

(sighs)

(doorbell rings)

Oy.

This one?

(cat meows)

We're all gonna die.

Oh, hello!

You must be the new tenant.

That was fast.

Oh yeah, yeah, I am.

Nice place, Mr... ?

Hush?

No.

Uh, sorry, Margaret.

No, Todd Margaret.

Pam, Pam Woods.

You're American?

Yeah.

Pam's got a thing for Americans!

Oh!

Oh okay, yeah, thank God.

Nothing works around here unless you're grounded.

But once you're plugged in, you can charge whatever you like.

I've got two adaptors that work just fine.

But thanks...

That's it.

I've got to adapt.

Brilliant!

(whispering to self) She was in my dream.

I think she was in my dream.

I gotta recreate that dream.

Okay, what did I do?

I had a beer.

Uh, flipped through the TV.

newsman on TV: And although it poses no imminent danger to us, scientists are cautioning the international community to delay all satellite launches as the comet Phantasos makes its way closer to Earth.

(channel changes)

Hudson Bear, Mike Moose!

Come quick! It's so funny!

Those crazy marmots just stole the logger's lunch!

He can't find it! L.O.L.!

announcer: ... In over 30 exciting colors!

At Dreamz Mattresses you'll "sleep, perchance to dreamz" with a zed!

Get thee to Dreamz Mattresses... or don't!

We deliver!

Okay.

(TV clicks off)

Now to have an unpleasant amount of Indian food.

(bell on door jingles)

Good evening, sir.

Oh, I don't need that.

I already know what I want.

Uh, to start, I'll have, uh, four...

Sir?

Uh, sorry, no, uh, yes, so, uh, yup, four Kingdom ales.

Uh, garlic naan, cheese naan, three orders of papadum...

No, uh, yes, three orders of papadums, but two Kingdom ales, two Pressburgs.

How many more people are coming?

None, it's just me.

Oh.

But wh... wh... where you going?

I'm going to place your order.

I haven't finished ordering yet.

Uh, lamb rogan josh. Not very good.

Two chicken kormas, which usually I can't have 'cause my cat's allergic to nuts.

A Korang boatmans curry, two saag paneer, aloo palak, uh, that... whatever it is... biryani rice, I can't pronounce it. That should be good...

No... two appetizer samplers.

And onion bhajis.

So there are others joining you?

Oh, I wish! I can't eat all this by myself, are you kidding?

I, uh, it must seem strange that I'm ordering all this food.

Hm, not at all.

We've had Americans in here before.

I'm just trying to recreate a dream.

That's weird, huh?

Not at all.

We've had Californians in here before.

Ah, this isn't right.

Something's... something's not right.

I mean, the food's right.

That's it, it's the table. It's where I am... Ma'am!

Yeah, uh, there's something else.

I believe that's everything you ordered.

No, no, no, we were sitting by the toilet.

I need to be sitting over there where that sad woman is.

So, yeah, give me a hand here, please.

Guys! You wanna help out?

Hi, Todd Margaret, do you mind?

No, no, no, not at all.

Uh, what are you doing?

I didn't think I was gonna have company.

Uh, you don't.

I'm sorry, you're definitely not the woman of my dreams.

Wait a minute.

Stand up, turn around.

All right, no, thanks, go back over there.

We'll do a swap.

Get her a, get her a papadum on the, on the house!

I didn't say stop.

Stop.

Do you know if Wilts is home?

It doesn't matter.

That's why we had to surrender our keys, along with everything else when we joined up.

I was wondering about that.

Gah, makes total sense now!

Yeah, this, uh, this could take a while.

Oooh! All these fudging boxes.

Hey, go fetch the other trolley.

Todd: More beer.

(sighs heavily)

Not too late, am I? Are you still serving?

What do you think?

I'm sorry?

It's nearly 10, douchebag.

I don't know the hours here offhand.

And what's the matter with your phone?

Well... nothing.

Oh, so then, you could have used it to call and find out then, huh?

Yeah, but you see, I only just this minute got out of work, and was hungry.

(angrily) Yeah, I'm hungry too!

This food's been sitting here!

We got Karang boatmans curry!

You're the only one who eats that!

Don't "Todd" me! Uh!

I, I don't know what Karang Boatman's curry is.

Well, you're here now, Mark.

Just sit down.

It's Gregory.

But... s'pose I...

I could join ya! (chuckling)

All right, that's the argument taken care of.

Sit! Eat! Enjoy!

Yeah, great, all right.

(crunching loudly)

Mmm, mmm, dig in!

More beer, beer for him.

Todd: No, I don't like that, that's right, I didn't eat that.

Got any sh*ts?

What are you, sambucca? Sambuccas!

Lot of beer to drink before we smoke that weed.

That was undelicious.

Now to have sex, right.

Todd: Excuse me, lady, don't take this the wrong way, but am I too drunk to have sex with you?

You are a pig!

Well, you did take that the wrong way 'cause I just really have to get to the point where I can jerk off into a T-shirt.

I'm not paying for that, I'm not paying for that.

Guys!

You gotta...

Get your ladies in line.

All right, knock off some of this naan bread on my check.

I didn't bring my wallet.

Lady put a br...

Bread, put bread on me... Not paying!

(envelope tearing)

All right, let's get to this next part.

Uhh...

Oh yeah!

Nailed it. (sighs)

Finish this.

(slurring) That oughta help me get going, where I need to go.

Good night, London, wherever you are.

It's time to... recreate the dream to save the world.

man's voice: Previously on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret"...

♪

"Life is Sweet"
♪ If you know what I mean ♪
♪ Without reservation ♪
♪ Life's too sweet ♪
♪ A real sensation ♪
♪ Can't control myself ♪
♪ Anticipation ♪
♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪

(animals eating, growling, squawking)