01x01 - Season 1, Episode 1

♪ SAILOR'S JIG ♪

(Explosion)

♪ Theme music ♪

Hey, what's the matter?

(Do you have a condom?)

(Sighs) No, I don't. What?

Hey, look out.

Oh, Deadly Dave.

♪ SWELLING ORCHESTRATION ♪

The Lord hath spoken unto me and he hath given me ten commandments to give to his chosen people.

One - thou shalt have no other gods before...

Thou shalt honour thy mother and thy father.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, nor his wife.

(Music distorts, trails off)

What is it, Hezekiah?

Um... Like, those laws are great as far as commandments go... Yeah.

They're top notch, but we've got a few of our own.

Suggestions. Can I read 'em out?

Go ahead.

Thou shalt not go to thy brother's house on pay day to ask for a loan, but if thou does, then thou must pay back on thine own pay day.

(All murmur)

Yeah, you gotta pay it back, man.

Alright, but it's not written in stone.

What else have you got?

If thou is shouted by his brother at a tavern, then thou must shout back on the very next round.

Deadly.

(All murmur)

Well, that's more of an unwritten law, isn't it?

It is, but it's a pretty big one and we think it should be written.

Yeah, absolutely.

(All murmur)

I guess. Yes.

What else have you got?

Eatin' ain't cheatin'.

No, that's not going in.

You can look, but you can't touch.

No way.

Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk free?

That's just a sayin'.

How many more do you have?

(Whispers) 120.

OK. I'm going to stop you there.

Don't be mad once you see that he want it, 'cause if you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on.

Shut up, Hezekiah.

Everything you own in a box to the left.

I said shut up, Hezekiah!

You got me lookin' so crazy right now.

Your love's got me lookin' so crazy right now.

These laws are the word of God, dickhead.

If I were a boy...

(Grumbles) ..even just for a day.

(Thunder rumbles)

So, Ginnie, I hear your boy's gettin' married.

Surely is. To that Evans girl.

Oh, she seems nice.

She's a loose slut.

(Gasps) Oh, ah!

She's a real bossy bitch, that one.

My boy can't scratch his balls without that moll saying somethin'.

Why, what happened? Well...

The other day, I was getting my boy to take me to bingo and he was fine to do that.

Just as we're gettin' ready to go that bitch decides she wants to start having contractions.

What?! Selfish, eh?

Just when I want to spend time with my boy, that bitch want to push out a kid.

That's terrible, what happened?

Well, she had that kid.

You think she was quick about it?

Ah, nah, 18 hours she was there, squeezing and grunting like a farm animal.

Not only did I miss bingo that night, I missed it the next mornin'.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk. Tsk, tsk.

Tsk, tsk, tsk... Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Alright boys, we got some pretty strong intel.

One of our suspects is at home with his family.

We've been surveilling him for a number of weeks now, this is our best chance to get him.

Alright. What's he done?

Well, he's committed a range of offences... (Radio static) ..starting from.

Sorry, Sarge, VK1. Go ahead.

Woman over radio: ...one, two.

We're on. Alright.

Everybody be safe.

(Siren wails)

♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce. ♪

(Reggae beat)

♪ Ooh-uh-uh ♪
♪ Blakforce, blak-blakforce. ♪

(Dog barks)

Clear. Clear.

What the (Bleep) are you doing in my house?! Aah!

Oh, sh1t! Go, go!

I got him, I got him!

(Bleep!)

(Bleep!) Great job, Trev.

Get the (Bleep) off me. (Bleep)

Ma'am. Go back inside.

What are you doing to me (Bleep)?

...pushing me? (Bleep) You (Bleep)...

Settle down, settle down!

What's all this about?

We've ain't done nothing wrong.

We're law-abiding peoples.

Calm down.

We've got reason to believe your husband's guilty of not acting black.

What?! How?

He bought a Delta Goodrem album.

Is that true? Oh, (Bleep).

Was it her greatest hits? Was it?

It was the Child of the Universe, wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

Do you want to give back, but get a little something in return?

Do you like a bit of the mocha divine, dark chocolate, brown snake?

Here's a way to be politically active and find true love.

At Black Velvet we specialise in native romantic philanthropy.

We match you with your perfect Aborigine for fun and love.

Before joining Black Velvet, I was looking for love.

I needed to be fulfilled, if you know what I mean.

I'd always considered myself a supporter of Aboriginal rights, I just didn't know any Aborigines to support.

Then I found an ad for Black Velvet on the back of a toilet stall.

It's really changed my life.

You know, the matches were great.

I had some great dates, got to try a little bush tucker, had some native nuts in my mouth.

I got to suck on a few long, thick witchetty grubs.

They were delicious.

And then I met Jandamarra.

We went and had a charge.

I met his family.

They even gave me a tour of Mount Druitt before I dropped them off at the shops.

I'm getting all his mail now.

People are even coming over to the house looking for him.

I can't wait their have latte-coloured babies.

I just hope they don't get their father's nose.

I really feel like I've done my part for reconciliation.

Black Velvet - we don't just want you to find love, we want you to make a difference.

So, the black bitch likes the horses.

Dogs. Dogs.

'Ere, slut. What, slut?

You've been sleeping around with my man.

Who your man? I got biggest mob.

Mark Johnson, f*ck ya.

Oh, Mark, yeah. He be come visit me last night.

Why? You been kissing him up?

You been tasting my hole?

Tastes sweet, eh?

My hole must taste sweeter, 'cause he with me. Pfft!

Pfft! Anywhere, your hole is only good for the side, slut.

Your hole need that break in between so your muya can tighten up.

Anyway, can't even clean.

(Gasps) Can't even dance.

Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

...slut? ..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

..this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

...this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

This is our chance to get him.

Shh... (Bleep)

Get the (Bleep) off me.

What are you (Bleep) doing, man?

We've got reason to believe your husband's guilty of not acting black.

♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce. ♪

You've got matching PJs. Why are you wearing a white shirt underneath?

You've got slippers on.

They're from Hermes.

Where? Hermes?

What else has he done?

He's been ticking 'other' nationality on all his forms.

He hasn't been dropping his 'H's when he speaks for some time.

He's been buying organic groceries.

Oh! (Bleep).

And he hasn't had KFC in months.

Bullshit!

I bought KFC the other night.

Did you see him eat it?

Well, I put away the thigh and the drumstick for him and, yeah, I seen him eat it.

You saw him chew it.

He didn't swallow it.

Is that true? Is it?!

Alright. (Sobs)

I chew it, but when you're not looking, I spit it out.

What the (Bleep) have you been eating?

Kale and eggs.

What the (Bleep) is kale?!

It's like cabbage. It's the latest trendy food on the street.

What's going to happen to him?

We've got to pull his card.

Not my race card.

(Speaks indistinctly) ..position.

I'm going to lose my job.

What will we feed our kids?

You should have thought about that before you bought a Prius.

A Prius?! Where the (Bleep) is the Commodore?

I sold it, babe.

The Prius is better...

What?!

It's better for the environment.

Get 'im out, Trev.

(Yells hysterically)

My kids don't have a father!

You've got your family, aunties and uncles and mum and dad.

(Bleep) tragedy.

♪ EPIC MUSIC ♪

Space, the final frontier.

Once again, the brave crew of the starship Henterprise find themselves in trouble as they face a hostile alien race who seek to assimilate them into their collective.

This is Captain Black Rogers of the starship Henterprise.

State your name and the reason you have us in your tractor beam.

We are the Xenophobians.

You will become one with our race.

Opposition is ineffective.

Prepare to be assimilated.

Assimilated.

That sounds very familiar.

I believe it's a term they used in 2000s, sir.

When people still didn't know sh1t.

You'll become part of our consciousness and our culture and be integrated into our way of thinking.

Now, why would we want to do that?

What do you mean, 'Why would you want to do that?'

Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm quite happy with myself.

Ain't no mofo changin' this little black duck. No complaints here.

I too believe I am fine in my current state, Captain.

This is irrelevant.

Our way is better.

That's very subjective, don't you think?

I'm going to need a better answer than that.

Fine, you've entered our space.

Excuse me?!

I think we were here first.

Mm-hm. That's right, child.

Why do you talk like that?

You're Aboriginal.

Shut ya mouth, fool.

If I may interject and get back to whose space this is, historical records show that the human species have indeed inhabited this particular area of space for at least 40,000 years.

Well, surely that should give us some space rights.

Maybe we should look up on the United Charter of Rights.

We do not care about your charter of rights.

Well, on that note, I'm sorry, we're not into this assimilated thing.

You do not have a say.

We are more than you and you will learn our way.

Now prepare to be boarded.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Keep your alien pants on.

I'll have to discuss this with my crew.

I'm going to shut down the comms for a minute.

(Beeping) Suggestions.

I've learnt their frequency of the tractor beam, captain.

If we can distract them when we lower our shields then we can go to warp.

What do you think, Butta.

I'll try my best, sir.

Alright, let's do this. When I distract them, go straight to warp.

On my signal.

Comm systems back up.


Hello.

We hear you.

We're lowering our shields.

Finally. Prepare to be boarded.

Hey, look, space refugees!

What? Now, Butta, now.

Good work, team.

That was very close.

That assimilated thing sounded very disturbing.

Mm-hm. I don't know.

They did have a nice big ship.

All: Shut up, Vanilla!

OK.

Tune in next week as our brave crew seek to go blackly where no other black has gone before.

Big ship.

I really love this new place.

It's so much bigger than your old home.

It certainly is and we got it for a bargain too.

Yeah, I mean the home is beautiful but I just have to say that smell that is coming from the kitchen, it's got my mouth watering.

What's John preparing in there?

A traditional Sunday roast, of course.

Mmm. And here it is now.

Dinner is served, my queen.

I've also got a dugong in the backyard on a spit.

Lovely, isn't he?

♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce. ♪

So, we've just...

We've been following these guys for a few blocks and they haven't actually done anything wrong yet, but I've just got a hunch.

Yeah, light 'em up, Trev.

Roger that. (Siren wails)

(Siren ceases)

Where are youse off to?

Oh, um, just the local footy.

Yeah, a day out.

What do you see, Trev?

Everyone's wearing their seatbelts.

No open bottles, no drug paraphernalia.

They got the correct child booster seat.

Car's in good condition, door handles are working, rear-vision mirror's working...

And they've got no coathanger for an aerial. (f*ckin' hell)

Get out. Hey? Get out now.

Are you sure? Yeah. Get out now.

I'm very sure. What's going on?

Get over here.

We're gonna need you to do a blackness test.

Mate, I'm black, I'm a blackfella.

My tribe is...

I'll stop you there.

I'll stop you right there.

That's all book learning. Yeah?

There's plenty of five-percenters that can look that stuff up.

OK. See this line? Yeah. Dance it.

Dance it? Trev.

(Dance mashup track)

♪ Dance... ♪

Ah, stop, stop.

Stop it, Trev. stop it.

Alright? Was it alright?

Was it alright? What do you reckon?

What the (Bleep) do you think?

It was OK. I thought it was OK.

No, it wasn't OK.

OK, it wasn't OK.

We got one more test for you.

What do I do with this?

Open it. Open it?

Can opener. Knife. Choose.

Nah. (Bleep)

Mate! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I-I-I'm a blackfella, man.

I'm a blackfella, I can prove it.

How can you prove it?

I'm going to the footy.

Yeah, you said that, yeah.

Well, just check the boot.

What's in there?

Brother, please...

Just open the boot and look, please.

I'll check it... 'cause you called me 'brother' instead of 'mate'.

OK, brother...

This is your last chance, bud.

If you're lying I'll slap the black off you... Open it.

So, the black bitch is drinking vodka.

Gin. Gin.

(Slurps)

Aah, my back.

Aaah.

See how they go?

I've been slaving my guts out here ten years and not once have I seen that white sanitary-bin collector come on time.

I bet she gets good money but, eh?

I don't know why she's always late.

And them rich crackholes across the road, too, make me sick with their newly renovated houses, but in debt.

We're going into a recession, but you can't tell these cracks that.

But then they want to cry after when they can't make repayments.

Well, pay it! Or someone will be hocking their box and it won't be her, it'll be him.

That sour bitch couldn't even give it away. No-one wants her.

Where's this old girl?

She only gotta empty one stinkin' bin.

You know she won't let them girls use that toilet?

She barricades it up like a stinkin' crime scene.

Don't know where she gets that tape.

I'm going to ask her about that.

And these girls are bustin' in their pants to go.

Oooh, wild gins, they are.

Howdy, Mavis.

Eh! How you going? You early today.

You got your tape?

Yep.

Ya big gee-whizz.

Black Velvet has just opened up a whole realm of possibilities.

I'm a giver, not a taker.

I'm a really funny guy.

Like, really nice, just really nice.

I've had some bad experiences.

You know, women always act like they're God's gift.

Black Velvet's been great.

I just love black moot.

Those Aborigine women really appreciate what it is that I have to offer.

Oh, Shaneer and I have great chemistry.

I knew from the moment I first met her that she was the one for me.

I mean, what can I say?

My dreams came true.

I went on a date with a black girl and the next day, I had a whole family.

I mean, 12 people sleeping on the living-room floor.

Now, that's reconciliation.

Black Velvet. Be a part of reconciliation and closing the gap, by opening a few more.

Oh, did you see that graffiti piece up on the gunji station car-park wall?

How sick is it? Fully sick, brah.

Good is it, you reckon?

Yeah, the lad had ill-skays, brah. Skills.

I tell you what, if gunjis get 'im, he's doing jail time, brah.

He's doing jail time for sure.

Not like when we was owning these streets back in the day.

But that piece was fully ick-say.

Yeah, Shayes, that was me, brah.

That was me.

Ah, wha'! Call the cops!

Ssh. Not too loud. Eyes and ears, brah. Eyes and ears everywhere.

What was you doing there at midnight?

Coppers reckon they've got it on CCCTV, they reckon it was graffitied up at midnight, brah, midnight.

I was spraying the sh1t. Whaddaya think I was doing there at midnight?

But they still got nothing on me.

I'm not scared of them dogs!

What about jail time, brah?

Jail time.

Hey, they gotta catch me first.

I can still outrun them.

I'm faster than Cathy Freeman and Usain Bolt. Eh, yeah.

Probably related to me anyways.

I'm not scared of no copper dogs.

I'll tell 'em, 'go on, run at me.'

Hello, Clancy.

Did you enjoy midnight basketball last night?

Yeah, good game.

Yeah, you got a good team.

Thanks, chief.

You play alright for an old bloke.

Yeah, you played well yourself, for a copper.

Still living with your mum and dad?

Yes, I am.

Well, you tell them I said hi, won't you, Clancy.

Will do, will do.

Clancy, call da cops.

Shut up, Frances.

Mmm.

When?

So, the black bitch is talking to friends...

(Family) Family.

Shut up, true?!

(Low-level background chatter)

L-Lillian? Hi, yeah, I'm Lillian.

Hi. Russell. Yeah, hi.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for meeting up.

Yeah, thank you for inviting me.

This place is great.

Oh, yeah. No, it's funny.

It's fun, yeah.

Yeah, it's fine. It's really grand.

Yeah, um, so thanks for meeting...

It's my first internet date.

Oh, so I'm your first? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I won't be too hard on you.

OK, thanks. Here's a menu.

Thank you. Yeah. Cheers.

And one for you.

Thanks. I'll be right back.

Thanks a lot, ta.

Should we order a drink?

Yes, most definitely.

Alright, good. OK, cool.

It's a bit dark in here, isn't it?

Excuse me?

It's a bit dark in here.

How dare you!

It's because I'm black, isn't it?

What? No. 'A bit dark in here.'

Think I don't know what it is that you're implying?

I'm just saying, you know, with the lighting it's hard to read the menu.

So, what you're saying is light is better than dark?

I'm just saying, it'd be nice to see what I'm eating.

See? You can't see sh1t because your white supremacist eyes are blinded to the truth.

I'm an avid supporter of...

Of what?

Of oppressing my people?

What do you want to do, turn back the clock and have us all be maids and servants again?

Just so you don't have to get off your arse and turn on a light so you can see what you're about to eat on your plate and you're just going to sh1t it out anyways.

I'm... I'm sorry, I just...

Oh... You're sorry now?

Well, guess what. Your 'sorry' is 235 years too late because the damage is already done!

My people are at the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder, my people are 20% of the jail population and my people's life expectancy is 20 years shorter than yours.

So if you want to show me that you're sorry, you can start towards rectifying that sh1t.

Yeah, I want to rec... Tell me what to do. What can I do?

Well, you can start by paying for my meal.

That's some reconciliation sh1t right there.

Yeah, of course, sure.

And remember, brother, you're in Aboriginal land.

Yeah, yeah, wait a minute.

Check the boot.

What's in there?

And they're in there because...?

I didn't want to pay...

All: Pay the entrance fee.

Bud, you were this close.

Ah, far out. Thank you.

Go on, Trev. Alright.

Thanks, eh, uncles.

Why didn't you start with that sort of talk?

I don't know. Go and get in there before half-time.

See you, then. Alright.

He's going to be alright, that young brother.

Yeah, they'll get there before half-time. They'll be right.

That's not really what I meant, but... alright, let's go.

Thanks, guys.

♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce ♪
♪ Ooh-uh-uh ♪
♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce. ♪

This nothing wrong with quinoa salad.

There's nothing wrong with tapas.

I like tapas bars.

Watch your head.

♪ Come on, now. ♪

Reporter: How did you go tonight, officer?

Yeah, look, it's not pretty work, but it's important.

You know, culture's not something you mess around with.

That's why we're out there.

That's why we do the job.

We're reinforcing what is and isn't black. We're Blakforce.

♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce ♪
♪ Oo-uh-uh ♪
♪ Blakforce, Blak-blakforce ♪
♪ Uh-huh. ♪