01x05 - Season 1, Episode 5

(Phone rings)

Which way!

Aboriginal IT Solutions, this is the help desk.

I have a problem with my computer that I can't seem to get it to work.

What have you done to try and fix it?

Well, I've rebooted, I've tried control-alt-delete.

I've turned it off and on at the wall, then turned it back on again.

Have you called it a slut?

Come again?

Have you sworn at it?

Mumbled under your breath?

Talked through your teeth and all of that?

Well, no. Will that work?

Try it and see how it goes.


Come on, you slut!

You need a bit more passion and emphasis on the 'slut'.

Come on, slut.

Louder and blacker.

Come on, ya slut!

I want you to close your eyes and think of 200 years of colonisation!

Think of Freedom Rides and Cathy Freeman running with that flag.

Think I'm black and I'm proud!

Here, c'mon, ya slut!

Louder, stronger!

Come on, you slut!

Oh, that's gammin', tidda.

Think of the flag, think of the protests, think of our mob marching on the streets, think of the tent embassy, the referendum, think of John Howard!


Oh, there you go.

It's working.

Thanks, help desk.

No worries, my tidda.

Call back any time.

♪ Theme music ♪


Just got my tax return, $7000 in the bank!

(Siren rings)

What's that?

That's an alarm I got.

It lets you know when a family member's come into cash.


I have got to get one.

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Then try the new payday alarm.

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Two people owed money to a certain moneylender.

One of them him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.

Neither of them had money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of them both.

And who do you think loved him the most?

The one who owed the most, My Lord.

Yes, Simon, you are correct.

That is why I am letting her wash my feet.

Because she understands the value of forgiveness better than those who have less to forgive.

What's going on here?

Feet washing.

Yeah, we can see that, but why is it going on?

I am unclean and I am gaining forgiveness.

Unclean! Who told you that?

Yeah, sister, who sold you that bullshit?

I am illustrating to my followers the value of forgiveness.

Sister, you don't have to wash his feet.

I don't wash my man's feet.

sh1t, he'd be washing mine, and rubbing 'em too if he knew what was good for him.

What are you doing here, Simon?

Babe, I didn't... I wasn't...

Remember how I said I was gonna be an disciple.

Well, this is being a disciple.

You didn't tell me youse were gonna be down here watching a woman wash a man's feet.

Well, discipling's different from day to day.

It's never the same thing.

Get home now.

Go home now.

And what are you doing, Matthew?

I'm going.

I'll have dinner ready.

Chicken pad Thai!

Yes, dear.

Anyway, is he even your man?

Not really, no.

Well, what are you doing, then?

I'm Jesus Christ.

And I'm Zipporah Jones.

And I'm Miriam Smith.

Sister, get up off your knees.

I don't know where you're from, but where we come from here in Jerusalem, we don't roll like that.

That's right. It's 30 A.D.

That sh1t might've went down when we were wandering in the desert, but today...

Excuse me, can you just...

Excuse us, excuse you.

We can get on that black grapevine and tell all of your wives that you're down here participating in this.

Just... like... that.

My disciples follow a higher path than that which is dictated by their wives.

Disciple: Yeah, we're not gonna get bullied by a bunch of women...


(Calls) Mary Margaret, Mary Kate, Rachel, Leah, Hepzibah, Sarah, Abigail, Delilah, Bathsheba, Jezebel...

Get up, sister, you're coming with us.

We're taking you shopping.

Because seriously, those rags, not gonna cut it around here.

I know, I'll introduce you to my cousin, Ray Ray.

He is cut-up like you wouldn't believe.

Who's gonna dry my feet?

I don't wanna get my new sandals dirty.

Hey, fellas!

Bloody women.

So the black bitch is eating chicken.

Beef. Beef?

I'm thinking we have to run the Shanghai transaction past Tom.

Tom in Acquisitions?

Good idea.


Tatiana, can you come in here, please.

Hey. Can you make a note to run the Shanghai transaction past Tom?

Tom in Acquisitions?


Done. And done. Fantastic.

Oh, and can you go and grab me a latte?

You want one?

Er, yeah, yeah. Just a skim.

I'm watching my figure.

No... no, I can't do that.

Um, why not?

It's a cultural thing.

You know?


But what has getting coffee...


Cultural thing.

Yeah, I just don't understand what...


(Whispers) She's under the Reconciliation Action Plan.

So, yeah, sure, it's a cultural thing. We understand.

Now, when you go get your coffees, can you pick me up one too?

One latte, not too warm and not too frothy.

I really don't like it too frothy.

Er, here's $2.

They're $3.50?

Cultural thing.

Five, six, seven, eight.

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Well done, guys. Excellent.

Yeah, I'm glad you're all working up a sweat.

Just take a seat on the floor.

We're going to get you to perform your solo routines, OK.

So can I get, um...



Five, six, seven, eight.

Well done, yeah.

I liked that a lot. Yeah, great.

Great. I liked it a lot.

The only thing, though, was it didn't have any traditional animal elements in it.

So we might just get you to go again, um, and maybe improvise some of it for us now.

Yeah, I'd love to.

OK, so let's try the kangaroo.


Yes. OK.


Ah, OK. So do you realise that kangaroos don't jump backwards?


Let's move on...

Um, let's try an emu.

Emu? Yeah.

Emu, emu...

OK, alright, so this is not really working, so we might just get you to take a seat and we'll get somebody else.


What if I show you some traditional animal movements that I know.

What have you got?

I've got an elephant.

(Trumpets) Um...

So, elephants aren't from Australia.

We don't have any elephants here.

What about in zoos? OK.

Um, Shawn, we might just get you to take a seat.

And, um, yeah, let's...

Lion! What about a lion?


No, that's no good.

A monkey!


No, no, no.

Sorry, that's not gonna work for us.

Dolphin. Dolphin...

Eh-eh-eh. Eh-eh-eh-eh.


(Gasps) Giraffe.

What noise does a giraffe make?

I need you to take a seat.

Please, Shawn.

Can you please sit down?

It's not an animal, but what about the robot.

Yeah. You like that, huh?

You like the robot?

See that, yeah? You like that?

Ro-bot, yeah. Yeah, ro-bot.

And robot.

Robot, robot, robot.

Now, I'm doing it in front of your face 'cause I'm a ro-bot.

I... I can't deal with this.

Did I get the part?

Aw, babe, babe, I'm really tired, babe.

Come on, I've been thinking about you all day.

I know, babe, but I'm so tired.

I've got an early start tomorrow.

Come on, I'll do that thing you like.

It'll be worth it.

Babe, babe. I've got a headache.

I love you but just not tonight, OK?

Yeah. I love you.


(Sighs) Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tatiana! Just stop!

You have to.

What? Why?

It's... it's a cultural thing.

Yeah, it's a cultural thing.

We have to have s*x... for cultural reasons.

Really? I don't think that sounds right.

No, it is. It's NAIDOC week.

NAIDOC week? Really?

Yeah, so we have to have s*x.

And you have to make me come.

Twice. Twice?

Yeah, and you have to do that thing that you do with your tongue.

That thing that I like.

But I've got a headache.

It is throbbing, it's pounding.

Can we just...?

You don't want to be a racist, do you?


Do you?!

No. You know, I guess... I guess not.


Now, get on down there.

Go on.

Munch, munch, munch.

So, the black bitch is drinking coffee.

Tea. Tea?

♪ Dubstep ♪

Oh, what's doing, bra?

Nah, just come back from the doctor's.

What happened to ya leg, bra?

Copped the maddest ase-chay, bra.

Cabbie, man. Tried to rip me in a fare, so I jumped him, legged it.

Lad got out and chased me five blocks.

Next thing there was like 20 cabs at the end of the street.

I had to jump the big barbwire cop fence just to get away.

Oh, mad ill-skays, bra, mad ill-skays.

Es-yays, that's when I jumped down off the fence, skidded on the gravel - that's when I ripped my leg up.

Ad-may, ad-may.

But they wasn't gonna catch me.

They should know they can't outrun blackfellas.

I'm the fastest 38-year-old they ever going to see in their life.

Not like back in the day, eh, when we owned these streets.

No cab would even come down here unless we said so.

Es-yays, nobody can catch me when I start.

I wasn't gonna pay no big taxi fare for no-one.

Oh, what call the cops!

Bra, shh, eyes and ears, bra.

Eyes and ears.

Aunty-ay oming-cay ere-hay.

Hey, your leg alright?

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, boy, it was my fault.

But you shouldn't have bumped into me this morning when I had that cup of hot tea in my hand, eh.

I'm right.

Just leave it now, ey, aunt.


Well, as long as you're all right.

Oh, what?

Hot tea!

Call the cops!


Come in, man.

How can I be of service?

I'm just after one of your relaxation packages.

If I can get you to strip down to this lap lap, and then you come back in and lie on this table.

Hey, you look good, man.

You comfy?


Alright, I'll get you to lay down on the table.

Now what I'm going to do first is play some traditional music to soothe you into your proceedings.



Holy sh1t!

Whoa, man.

I need you to relax.



Argh! Are you hitting me with bits of wood?

Clap sticks, man!

Well, please don't.


How about we try a smoke cleansing instead.


That sounds good. Let's do that.

(Chants) ♪ Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo, ghoona-budhoo-muyoo ♪
♪ Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo, ghoona-budhoo-muyoo ♪
♪ Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo, ghoona-budhoo-ghoona-budhoo. ♪

Hey, brother.



You're all chilled, relaxed.

Hey, bro.


(Chants) ♪ Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo, ghoona-budhoo-muyoo ♪
♪ Ghoona-budhoo-muyoo, ghoona-budhoo-muyoo ♪
♪ Ghoona. ♪

So the black bitch is doing a close-up.

Wide shot. Wide shot?

(Alarm rings)

What the hell is that?

That, my friend, is an alarm I bought recently.

It goes off when family are about to call me when they're looking for a loan.

Really? Really.

So how does it work?

Easy. When it goes off, I just turn off my phone.

Done. Cool.

Narrator, v/o: Tired of hiding from relatives on pay day?

Want to get ahead, but your bludging family keep dragging you behind?

Order the Hide My Black Arse From My Money Grabbing Mob alarm today.

His phone's still off.


It's like he knows.

It's only $19.99.

Call now and order yours today.


Narrator, v/o: Once again, the brave crew of the Starship Hentaprise find themselves in trouble.

After escaping a big black hole, and with their ship damaged, they find themselves running out of supplies.

We're not going to last much longer, Captain.

If we don't find supplies to repair the Hentaprise, there's a 97.839 per cent chance she'll fall to pieces.


I'm picking up a class M planet.

It appears to have the minerals and resources that we need.

There's even Blakanthium to repower our warp engines.

Good. Set a course.

Wait a minute.

It seems to be inhabited, Captain.

Inhabited by who?

A species that hasn't yet discovered space travel.

There's approximately 300,000 humanoid life forms.

I fear we have no alternative.

Set a course so we can take what we need!

Won't that kinda make us hypocrites though?

How so?

I believe he's talking about 1788 in Earth's history, Captain, when the English colonised what was known as Australia, but is now known as New China.

Oh! Of course!

That does make it a bit complicated.

Ooh, do a plaque.

Do a plaque that acknowledges them and then chuck that sh1t up on government buildings and then fly a flag!

I don't think that's gonna cut it.

Especially when they find out what we really wanna do with their land.

Could we write them into some document that recognises they were there first?

A constitution, maybe.


I'm not really feeling that either.

Oh! Oh! I know!

What about a treaty? I like it.

What we need to do is work out a deal that works on both sides, so we can become friends and become respectful in a harmonious way for both cultures and customs.

I'm picking up something, Captain.

According to this data, the group aren't indigenous to the area at all and have migrated from another planet to set up a penal colony.

Oh, well.

In that case, blow that sh1t up!

Let's take what we want!

I think we should've just done that in the first place.

All: Shut up, Vanilla!

OK. (All laugh)

Narrator, v/o: Make sure you tune in next for the episode of Star Blaks as our brave crew seek to go blackly where no other blackfella has gone before.

Oh, my back!

See how they go.

That one in there's still sleeping!

I dunno why.

Not like she's exhausted from a hard day's work or nothing.

I can't even mop down her end of the hallway, she snores that loud!

She's snoring like she's been drinking or something but she don't even drink!

No-one wants her!

I'm sick of mopping this vomit up from these mob drinking here.

TAFE students, see, think they're on holidays!

Stinking night owls.

I'm telling you now, if I was manager they'd be gone, look!

Shop shut!

But, no, this manager wanna please these girls all the time.

They're not babies!

They got hairs now!

Ooh, wild gins they are.

Woman: Morning, Mavis.

Mavis: Hey, you up?

You get your beauty sleep?


Oh, deadly.

I was waiting for you to get up.

You big gee-whiz!

Welcome my non-Indigenous brothers and sisters.

My name is Ranger Billy, and on behalf of my ancestors I welcome you, and invite you to walk my country.

This is a food source for my people.

We've hunted it for thousands of years.

Even in the time of dinosaurs.

What does it taste like?

I don't eat that sh1t.

Ooh, but I eat these berries...

(Gasps) Aren't they poisoning?

Who's the black one here?

Me black.

You yell... not black.

Berries, noodles.

I think I know what I can eat.

Excuse me, Ranger Billy.

I think we passed a dead wallaby back there five minutes ago.

Think we're lost.

We are not lost.

Don't worry. Look, I have berries.

You want some?


Taste the rainbow.

Sure you don't want any?

Suit yourselves, but don't be running to me later saying you're hungry.

Who are you people?

What are you doing here?

We are tourists.

You're meant to be showing us the places of your ancestors.

What ancestors?

Your ancestors.

What's that noise?

What noise?

They're coming to get me.


The goanna men.

There's no goanna here.

You're conspiring with them, aren't you?

You're conspiring with them, scaly fork-tongued bastards?

I think you need to have some water, Ranger Billy.

Who's Ranger Billy?

I'm Ecknatingau!


I'm about to sh1t myself!


Ew, slut!

What slut?

I heard you bin sniffing around with John?

Who John? I sniff biggest mob.

No wonder your nose is so out of shape, slut.

You look like big, black Miss Piggy on heat.

Anyway, can't even walk.

(Gasps) Can't even exercise.

(Gasps) Well, what about this then, slut?


Well, what's this then, slut?


Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?


Well, what's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then slut?

What's this?

Well, what's this... then, slut?


What's this then, slut?

(Both pant)

Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?


This then...



Excuse me.

You've parked in my spot.

It's a cultural thing.

It's cultural.

No, you see, this is a disabled parking spot.

I had to park all the way over there.

Yeah, but I'm Aboriginal, so it doesn't really apply to me.

Yeah, but I am disabled.

Being Aboriginal in this country can be a disability.

I can barely move my legs.

But whose land can you barely move your legs on?

Think about it.

You stole my parking spot!

Ironic, isn't it?

No. It's not actually ironic, no.

Disabled parking spots are for disabled people, not black people.

Well, should I just go to the back of the bus, then?

What are you?

A racist?

I'm disabled!

Yeah, you are.

(Electronic voice) Excuse me.

You are both in my spot.

And I'm a lesbian.

I'm really sorry. I'll just move.

So sorry.

I'll move straightaway. OK?

L-O-L. L-O-L.

Reporter, v/o: Earlier today a group of tourists were rescued after being lost for three days.

They suffered exposure, but all are said to be doing well, except for the Aboriginal ranger who suffered hallucinations and extreme diarrhoea after consuming poisonous berries.

I'm Rosalind Sailor reporting live from Nelliman National Park.