01x06 - Season 1, Episode 6

(Rhythmic drumming)

(Drumming becomes rapid)

(Grunts)

Tappa Tappa: Argh!

(Shoes tap softly)

♪ Theme music ♪

Welcome. Give me your hands.

(Breathes deeply)

Hmm.

Hmm. (Gasps)

The spirits tell me... you are Aboriginal.

Yes. Yeah, you're spot on.

They are giving me a name...

Eddie Boy, Charlie Boy, Ray Boy?

Bala?

Bala, yes! Bala.

(Gasps softly)

I see a woman with a pokie addiction.

Your aunty.

Yes.

There is a young man, a good football player.

A cousin maybe?

Yeah, yeah. Johnno. Johnno Junior.

(Gasps)

I see someone being pulled over by the police and going to court for something minor.

Yes.

I see a kid who is always wagging school with his friends down by the river.

Yes, yes.

You... owe someone money.

Or someone owes you money?

Yes. Yes, I owe someone money.

They're sitting across the table from me.

Eh?

I can't afford this.

Bet you didn't see that coming.

(Glass shatters, thudding)

Bet you didn't see that coming either, dickhead!

(Indistinct chatter)

Hi, guys. I hope there's some funny stuff coming out of this room.

Eh? That'd be great.

OK, well, I'm here to introduce you to the newest addition to your writing team, Ray.

And Ray is joining us as part of the ABC's Bridging The Gap Program that we've built with the state correctional and rehabilitation program.

Solid!

(Indistinct chatter)

And I know, um... (Chuckles)

I know you guys are gonna really take good care of Ray, and as his therapist tells me, he's a pretty funny guy.

(Laughs nervously and sighs)

Why don't you take a seat, Ray?

Hey, brother, welcome.

Hi, Ray.

Writer: OK, I've got an idea.

OK, so, a guy rocks up to a protest with a lamb, right?

And everybody's like, 'Why do you have a lamb?'

And then he says, 'I thought you meant Lamb Rights.'

(Laughter)

What if... after that... he got smashed in the face with a f*ckin' brick!

(Beck chuckles nervously)

OK, that's a great first effort.

Um, I'm just going to put that up on the board!

Let's just keep the ideas going!

(Whispering) I feel great.

Great first effort.

I feel like I just killed a bloke.

And then we go to an art gallery and Tidda A says to Tidda B, 'Can't even appreciate fine art!'

And then Tidda B strikes up a pose and goes, '(Gasps) What's this, then, slut?'

(Laughter)

And then he gets smashed in the face with a f*ckin' brick!

(Chuckles nervously) We'll just put that up on the board as well.

(Whispering) I'm on a roll.

Dad?

Yes, son?

Do you reckon if white people didn't come to Australia, us Aboriginals would have invented Facebook?

Yeah.

And it would have been better.

Yeah.

(Text message tone)

Oi, I need you to go to the shop and get bread and milk.

Selina! Now.

Just bread and milk.

(Music plays)

(Hums)

I can't believe that someone ate my f*ckin' yoghurt!

That's why I put my freaking name on it!

Oh. Hi, Ray.

Hey.

So, how's the writing going?

Getting a bit done?

It's good. They reckon I'm going to save this season.

Yeah, for sure.

I see you're eating yoghurt.

Yeah, it's my favourite.

Well, Ray, that's my yoghurt.

See, it's got my name on it.

That's 'Nakkiah'.

It tastes like the other yoghurts.

Tastes like Kath's and Mark's...

Well, the difference is that's my yoghurt.

See, your yoghurt has my spoon in it.

Hey, Steve.

You ready for this arvo?

You been rehearsing, bruss?

That's good. Alright.

See, now maybe you shouldn't put your name on things you're not eating, then we won't have this confusion.

(Exhales)

(Phone rings)

Eh, you prick!

Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious Solutions. How can I help you?

Woman: ON PHONE Yeah, hi.

My mother just put a hat on a table.

We're just calling to see if that's no good.

Yeah, it's no good, but you're lucky that it's not proper no good.

This kind of stuff can be dealt with.

Oh, thank God.

We thought that maybe it was a permanent curse and that we were, you know, f*cked.

Yeah-no, this is just a level 1 curse.

Did you remove the hat straightaway?

Woman: Oh, immediately!

Then you have nothing to worry about.

Oh, praise the spirits.

Have you paid your annual membership fees?

Of course.

Then the spirits are praised.

Thanks for your call.

(Soft rattling)

(Phone rings)

Oh!

Welcome to Blackfella Superstitious Solutions.

How can I help you?

Woman: Yeah, hi, it's me again.

I forgot to mention that my mother also put shoes on the table.

Ooh, that's a bit tricky.

Did she put them on at the same time as the hat?

I believe she put them on straight after I removed the hat.

What do you mean 'believe'?

Did she or didn't she?

I'm like 99% sure.

Then you have 1% chance of a curse.

Can you deal with that?

I can deal.

OK, did she put them on at the same time or did the left hit first?

I think both at the same time.

You've got to work with me, sis.

This could be life or death.

Well, I only heard one clunk, so I'd say both at the same time.

And you removed them straightaway?

As soon as they hit the table.

Did you wipe the table?

All over?

Cloth or tea towel?

Sponge. Is that OK?

Ooh, that's a bit dodgy.

What do you mean 'dodgy'?

Well, depends if you used water or detergent.

Neither. It was a bit damp, so I didn't think I needed anything.

OK, what you need to do is take that table outside, chop that sh1t up, and burn it.

But it's made of steel and glass!

Then I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.

But there must be something?

I pay nearly $300 in membership fees.

And the spirits thank you. Bye.

(Blows and inhales)

(Coughs)

OK, here we go.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round... ♪

Oh.

Hello.

Hey.

Er... this is our friend, Ray.

Where am I?

Oh, silly!

You're in Play School!

School? I can't be anywhere near a f*ckin' school!

f*ck!

Oh. Um... Sorry, Jemima.

Let's keep going.

So, Ginny, I hear there was a bit of an incident.

Incident?

Anyone would think I murdered someone the way my boy's uptight, no-sense, poxy, inbred in-laws acted.

Why, what happened?

Well, as you know, it was my grandson's 1st birthday.

And to tell you the truth, I wasn't gonna go, but, as always, I decided to be the bigger person.

Oh, you're so forgiving, Ginny.

Especially after they kicked you out of their house last time you was there.

I know, right?

So, anyway, I go to their house with present in hand, and they're even lucky to get a present off me.

Proper lucky!

So I walk in all smiling-like and I put my presents with the others.

And of all the people, my boy's mother-in-law comes up smiling and kisses me on the cheek.

That bitch!

Smiling at me - please!

After she had the cheek to take money from me that was rightfully mine after her big ol' daughter won the lotto.

So is she still sick?

Oh, she's on her last legs.

Oh! What a waste of money!

Proper waste.

So what happened next?

We finally get to open my present.

And, well, you should've seen the look on that bitch's face.

What was it?

Just a paternity test!

Cost me an arm and a leg, but you think they were grateful?

Oh, no, of course not!

Well, that was it.

That bitch starts screamin', and then her bitch mother starts screamin', and then her bitch sister starts screamin', followed by her bitch father, her bitch mother, her bitch cousin.

A whole family of bitches screamin', black banshee bitches!

I'm lucky if I can still hear!

You must've been terrified!

Oh, please!

It takes more than a family of banshees to rattle this woman.

I know how to defend myself.

(Gasps) How?

A knife.

A knife?!

I grabbed that knife from the birthday cake.

And they started circling me and I started waving that knife around, telling them that if any of them tried to touch me, I'm going to shove this knife in their fork!

(Gasps) Well, did you have to?

I didn't have a chance.

My own son grabbed me from behind and he threw me out the party.

I don't even know why I even bothered goin'.

I'm too kind a person, you know.

Too kind a person.

You most certainly are.

Ohh! Stop it.

Aw!

You are.

You are.

You are.

No, you are.

You are.

No... you are.

Mm, you are.

Both: No, you are.

Welcome to another week of Gardening Australia, but it's a special week because spring has sprung and there's blossoms going ballistic everywhere.

So I thought it's a nice opportunity for me to show you some spring flowering plants that you can put out into your garden right now.

And you won't look back because when you've got things like these marigolds...

What are you doing?

What's it to you?

Well, we're... we're here. We're filming an episode of Gardening.

That's alright.

I'm just... I'm digging.

Will we cut? Do you want to cut?

(Sighs)

Hey, mate.

I was just wondering if you could tell us where the taps are?

Ah. (Whistles)

This is Kevin, our in-store tracker.

He'll be able to help you find any tap you're looking for.

Um, what kind of tap are you after?

Well, I have a picture, if that'll help.

Oh, that'd be nice.

There you go.

Thank you.

Er, this way.

What is it?

Shh.

This way.


(Sniffs)

(Grunts and strains)

Oh, Jesus!

Poor b*st*rd. He should never have come to far by himself.

Shouldn't we tell someone?

Nah, there's nothing that can save him now.

Let that be a warning to others.

Come on, we're close! Let's go!

Ah!

Hey!

Didn't see you there.

Good brother-boy, what's happening?

Ah, nothing much.

What are you tracking?

Taps.

You?

Husband.

How long you been looking for?

Couple of hours. But her husband went missing last month.

The wife just learnt he come down here for some shelving after the State of Origin.

Queensland or New South Wales?

Queensland. Why?

Aisle 37.

Halfway down.

By the shelves.

Poor b*st*rd.

Poor b*st*rd.

So close.

Thanks, bro. This is the part of the job I hate the most.

There you go now.

The tap you're looking for should be just over there.

Yes.

Yes! That's the one.

Thanks, Kevin. Couldn't have done it without you, mate.

Might have ended up like that other bloke.

Mm.

Thanks again, mate.

Uh-uh, ahem. You have to pay me.

What? Why? I thought this whole tracker business was free.

No!

Well, I don't have any cash on me, mate, I've only got plastic.

Well, alright, then.

If that's the way you want it.

Good luck finding your way back!

Wa-wait, Kevin, you can't... you can't leave me here!

Kevin! Don't leave me...

No!

Eyah, slut!

What, slut?

I hear you got something you wanna say to me.

You know I got something I wanna say to you.

Well, then why don't you say it?

I was about to say it.

Well, say it, then!

Can't even ask me out on... a date!

(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut?

Do you wanna go out on a... date?

(Gasps) Can't even ring me up and ask me!

Ah! Well, what's this, then, slut?

(Mobile rings)

Eyah, slut!

What, slut?

You wanna go out on a date?

Depends.

On what?

Have you got what I want?

Ooh, I got what you need!

And what do I need?

Big budhoo!

(Gasps) Solid. What time?

5pm, Saturday.

Make it 6:00.

Why? Because I said.

(Gasps) Can't even act excited.

(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut?

Ooooh! What's this, then, slut?

Both: What's this, then, slut?

What's this, then, slut?

What's this, then, slut?

Both: What's this, then, slut?

Saturday, slut!

My place, slut.

6pm, slut.

I know, slut.

(Gasps)

Ooh, ooh! Slut!

What's wrong with Ray?

He's got writers' block.

(Tyres squeal)

Oh.

Narrator: You're unique.

You're special.

You're one of a kind.

Introducing Pretty For An Aboriginal cosmetics - (Wolf whistle) for the woman who is pretty... for an Aboriginal.

Maybe she's born with it, or maybe she's pretty... for an Aboriginal.

Because you're worth it, kinda.

It's 12:42 on a Sunday afternoon, and we're in a highly populated Aboriginal neighbourhood.

We've just received a call to respond to a white noise complaint.

So we're gonna go down there and see what's going on.

Eyah, boss.

♪ Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce ♪
♪ Ooh, whoa Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce. ♪

(Country music plays)

Alright, put your hands on your head and your drinks down!

Drinks down!

Officer trev: Now!

Put your hands on your head!

What's the meaning of this?

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

We've had a white noise complaint, and this is a black neighbourhood.

Are you the home owner?

Yes, I...

Are you the home owner, son?

Yes, I am.

Do you know what the time is?

It's only lunchtime.

We just started, we weren't playing the noise very loud anyway.

Well, then you'd know living in this postcode means only Charlie Pride from midday to 6pm.

I don't have any Charlie Pride.

What?!

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Sit down!

Whose iPod's this?

Michael Bolton, Michael Buble, George Michael.

He's only got Michaels!

Jesus Christ, whose iPod's this?

This yours?

Nah.

What about you? What about you, home owner? This yours?

No.

So this iPod doesn't have an owner, eh?

Well, I might as well go and sync it!

(Glass shatters)

We've also got a ratio problem here.

You have to have one black for every white partygoer.

(Laughs) Hey, Sarge, look, they've even got an acoustic guitar.

You better be his uncle...

Because only uncles are allowed to play the guitar.

That's the law.

I don't want any trouble.

And we didn't want to walk into a crowded (Bleep) house!

(Strums tunelessly)

See, that's music now.

See? It's good, eh?

That's what you call music, people.

(Plays tunelessly)

Play it, Sarge.

See?

(Clattering)

(All cry out)

Now, let this be a warning to you!

If we come have to come back here and hear any of that bull (Bleep) again, we're pulling your card.

Party's over.

Mattress back in the lounge room.

You should be ashamed of yourself, son.

Kids these days just don't know music, you know.

And this is a Charlie Pride neighbourhood.

New generation. We gotta keep 'em strong, keep 'em real.

Blakforce. Keeping it real.

See you out on the road.

(Indistinct chatter on two-way radio)

Yeah, copy that.

♪ Blakforce, Blak-Blakforce ♪
♪ Ooh, whoa. ♪

Ah! That man just stole my bag!

Well... now you know how Aboriginal people feel.

f*ckin' argh! f*ckin' urgh!

f*ckin' boom! f*ckin' boom!

f*ckin' boom!

Boom! f*ckin' boom! f*ckin' boom!

f*ckin' hmph! f*ckin' boom!

Boom! Boom!

Aargh!

Boom!

(Grunts)

And he's like 'No, no. Argh, no!'

I'm gonna f*ckin'... hmm?

Hmm?

Yeah.

I won the H-Division talent quest...

(Pants)

...four years in a row with that one.

(Cries) OK. Write it up!

Damn, it's good.

Hmph!

Aargh!

(Waves lap, gull calls)

Dad, you know how we say we are what we eat?

Yes, son.

Then... why aren't I a chicken?

You will be eventually, son.

Yeah.

He's staring down the barrel of the camera in every sketch.

There's no sketch we can use.

I'm just scared of him.

Why don't you just film without him?

We tried! He's like the friggin'

Batman - he's just always there!

(Gasps) Ray!

G'day, mate. I hear you've been working very hard on the set.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, let's talk.

Um, why don't you take a seat?

Kath: Oh, Ray, we love you, everyone here at Black Comedy loves you and thinks you're hilarious.

But we... well, actually Kath feels as though you would be better suited to other things.

Well, Ray, your talents are so varied that...

While I was... you know, when I was talking to Nakkiah and she thought that you might enjoy yourself more if maybe you, um... thought, um... you know? Nakkiah?

Wha-what we spoke about, Ray, was the idea of you...

You know?

...taking a role in the idea of the bigger picture, you know, being that Rome wasn't built in a day and maybe you could not do that.

So what do you think, Ray?

Well, Mark... (Sighs deeply)

...it sounds like, you know, you guys want me to go back on set.

All: Yeah... yeah.

Because, you know, these jokes, they don't write themselves, do they, Steven?

Kath: Yes, Ray. We... we know that.

We appreciate that.

Thank you very much, Ray.

Alright, Ray, thank you for that.

See you soon.

(All sigh)

Oh, good one, everyone.

You really f*cked that up.

Oh, f*ck bridging this gap, I'm going to call the ABC.

Tidda 1, on TV: Oh, what's this, then, slut?

Tidda 2: What's this, then, slut?

Tiddas: What's this, then, slut?

Tiddas: What's this, then, slut?

What's this, then, slut?

Tidda 1: My place, slut.

Tidda 2: 6pm, slut.

Tidda 1: I know, slut.

(Theme music plays)

So, the Black Bitch is in Black Comedy?

(Inmates laugh)

Great job, Ray!

Ya friggin' smashed him in the face with a brick!

Yeah, Ray! That was great!

(Laughter)

They f*ckin' ruined it.

♪ Ooh-ooh, gonna take you for a ride ♪
♪ And we're going to the shops ♪
♪ Then I read a book ♪
♪ Hmm, I really like chewing gum ♪
♪ So let's chill out. ♪