02x04 - Season 2, Episode 4

(Alarm bleeps)

Oh, um, ma'am. I get you go back, please. Uh...

(Alarm bleeps)

You got no ring on your fingers, uh, on your toes?

Nothing in your pocket?

No, no, nothing in my pockets.

Oh, hang on.

Oh. Sorry. Oh, phone, yes.

Happens all the time. It's OK.

(Alarm bleeps)

Can I get you to go back, yes?

(Alarm bleeps)

Oh! Oh.

Keys.

(Alarm bleeps)

(Alarm bleeps)

Sorry.

(Camera clicks)

Yeah, camera.

(Alarm bleeps)

Oh, ee-ah-weh.

(Sighs)

(Laughs)

OK, come through.

♪ Theme music ♪

Sorry I'm late. You been waiting long?

Oh, 45 minutes.

Oh, that's good.

Uh, sorry, how is that good?

Better me take a sh1t in the toilet than in the car, eh?

OK, let's get a move on.

OK.

What you doing?

Um, getting in the car?

Haven't you heard of the pre-driving good luck ceremony?

No, I haven't.

Oh, bud, not off to a very good start, are ya?

That's not an actual thing, though... is it?

Are you the instructor now? You can teach me how to drive.

No, I wasn't saying that. I was just...

I got the clipboard.

You got sh1t. Now get in the car.

Uh, what about the pre-driving good luck ceremony?

That's not a thing. Now get in the car.

(Both moan erotically)

(Moans)

Why do they call it 'missionary'?

What?

'Missionary'.

Yeah, why do... they call it 'missionary'?

I don't know.

Maybe because of the missionaries?

Like... Like Christian missionaries?

Like the missionaries that came and created missions for Aboriginal people?

What are you talking about?

(Moans) This...

(Moans) This feels kind of weird.

What do you mean?

Kind of... oppressive.

What do you mean 'oppressive'?

You on top of me in missionary.

I, as an Aboriginal woman, can't have a white man on top of her, inside of her, and it be called 'missionary'.

Nope.

We could call it something else.

Like what?

'Man on top'.

(Moans) Wait, wait. 'Man on top'?

Mm-hm.

Are you serious, Cale?

Do you really need to reiterate the power of the patriarchy inside of the bedroom?

Yeah, you're right. What about, um...

Gifts from above.

Your pen1s is a gift?

Pleasure from the sky?

From the sky. Like God.

Great, now I'm back at missionary.

What about 'journey to the...'

Look, it's not the words.

It's the meaning.

Who cares what the name is if it just symbolises the same thing?

You invading me and colonising me.

Your goodwill and faith is just a facade as you destroy me from the inside.

You fill me with your beliefs as you plough me dry for my natural resources.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

God.

We're not going there.

Cale... we need to talk seriously about this.

(Snoring)

Hey!

(Snorts)

(Knocking)

♪ HIP-HOP ♪

Hey!

You right?

Yeah.

Come on, let's go have some fun.

(Slap!)

(Air whistling)

♪ HIP-HOP ♪

Eyah, slut.

What, slut?

We need to talk.

About what?

About us.

(Gasps) I knew you were gonna say that.

It's like we've got a psycho connection.

So, what about us?

I need to know if... you're my man.

Oh. Why do you need to know?

Isn't it obvious?

I need to hear it.

Only reason you wanna hear it is so you can put it up on Facebook and let everybody know that I'm your slut.

So what if I do?

What if I do it first?

Then everybody will know that we're sluts.

Anyway, can't even tell me.

(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut? You're my man.

Oh. Well, what's this, then, slut?

You're my man too.

Oh. Well what's this, then, slut?

If you cheat on me, I will cut your budhoo off.

Rowr!

If you do, can you put it up on the wall as a trophy?

No! Only my eyes be seeing your budhoo from now on.

Ooh! Are your eyes big enough?

(Gasps) Big enough for big budhoo.

Proper big hole.

Oh!

Are you gonna change your Facebook status?

Already have.

(Mobile phone bleeps)

Ooh. You move proper fast.

Can you keep up?

I can keep... anything up.

(Mobile phone bleeps)

(Gasps) Well, now it's official.

Now the world knows... we're sluts.

Eternal sluts.

For eternity.

Can't even celebrate. (Gasps)

What's this, then, slut?

(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut?

What's this, then... slut?

What's this, then, slut? What's this, then, slut?

What's this, then, slut? (Gasps)

♪ JOYOUS PARTY MUSIC ♪

What if I kiss you?

OK.

And you get on top?

Yeah, that could work.

(Both grunt)

I love you, babe.

(Both moan erotically)

Why do I have to do all the work?

What?

This is just sooo typical.

The black woman doing all the work, and the white man can just lay back and reap all of the rewards.

No, it's meant to be that you're in control, you're on top and you control the pleasure.

Yeah, it would seem that way, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Yeah. But I'm not really in control, am I?

Because I'm doing all the work, aren't I?

I'm working harder than I've ever worked before, and you just lay back and reap all of the rewards and the cycle of oppression continues.

What cycle?

I don't want to keep you in a cycle - I just wanna make you come.

Make me what, Cale?!

Make you feel good.

Well, then how about YOU try doing something.

OK. How?

Oh, I can't think of everything, Cale. Just do something.

Take responsibility for your own decisions.

It's time. Time for change.

OK. Now?

Yes, now.

OK. You're just sitting on my bladder, I really need a wee.

Oh, OK, sorry.

Dad?

Yes, son?

If there were no black people, would that mean white people would be the best dancers?

Yeah.

I guess it would.

Yeah.

Mr Farmer...

That's Uncle Doctor, thank you.

Uncle Doctor...

..you have been brought here in front of the medical board today to answer claims of malpractice.

Malpractice makes perfect.

'Malpractice', 'MAL-practice'.

It has been brought to our attention that you have been practicing medicine under the guise of a Doctorate which was awarded to you for your services as an advisory to the university board.

You have no actual medical training.

You treated a patient with a compound leg fracture with Vicks VapoRub.

Is he dead?

Well, no, but...

You prescribed flat lemonade for an appendicitis which needed an emergency surgery - we were within minutes of a man's life!

Is he dead?

Well, no, but that is hardly the point.

A man with severe head trauma was told, 'You'll be right', and... to... 'walk it off'.

'Walk it off.'

Yeah.

Is he dead?

No, but he is in a vegetative state.

Is he dead?

Look, you may not understand my methods but you will respect them.

They've been passed down to me from Grandfather Doctor to Father Doctor to me, Uncle Doctor, and I'm gonna pass them on to Nephew Doctor and Cousin Doctor.

You told a man with third-degree burns to put vinegar on it.

Is he dead?

Yes! He's dead!

(Sighs)

One of the hardest things about being Uncle Doctor, you know, you can't win 'em all.

You're not a doctor!

I'm Uncle Doctor!

And I'll be f*cked, I get the job done!

Uncle Doctor, you are not trained to be practising any kind of medicine.

Who's practising here?

This is the real thing, I'm playing for keeps. Listen.

To save this hospital any embarrassment about this gaffe, we are not going to make this public.

However, if you are caught in a hospital or medical service in any capacity other than a patient, you will be arrested and prosecuted.

'Embarrassment?'?

Well then, big mouth, shutchole, shutchole, shutchole.

You don't have to shut yer hole.

But you three, shutchole!

What are you doing?

I'm being responsible for my own decisions.

Oh, OK.

May I start?

Uh, yes, start when you want.

OK. I've got your, like, express permission to just...

Oh, my God, Cale, what are you planning to do where you need my express consent?

Just s*x stuff!

Just start!

OK!


(Moans) Oh, yeah.

Um...

What do I normally do with my hands?

You decide.

What was that?

It was an arse slap.

Oh, Cale, if you're gonna slap my arse, slap it - don't tap it.

Slap it!

(Smack!)

Ow! What was that?!

A slap.

Oh, I can't do this.

What, it felt bad?

No, it feels good.

Well?

It just doesn't feel... right.

Well, what's wrong?

We're both adults, we're being safe.

Are we?

Yes!

But what is safe for us might not be safe for others.

We don't live in a vacuum, our decisions have consequences.

May, it's just s*x.

Is it, Cale? Is it just s*x?

Or are we perpetuating a culture of oppression through our own personal decisions?

Maybe you, a white man, being behind me, a black woman, slapping me like a dog is more than just s*x - maybe it's a symbol for society.

And can I ever really consent to that?

I don't know, May. I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to dismantle my white male privilege to come up with a sexual position to empower us both equally whilst challenging the status quo and bringing us both to an adequate climax.

Cale, I can't do this on my own. We need to be allies.

We're in this together. You, me and society.

OK. What about side by side, where we're both equals?

Just no-one's on top, no-one's below, just face to face.

Equals. OK?

Yeah. OK.

OK.

Now?

Yes, now.

I just need to wee first.

OK, you go wee, I'll try and get ready.

Oh, sh1t.

Well, now you know how Aboriginal people feel.

And so does Pebbles.

Oh, Mr Hookey?

Yeah. Yeah, John.

G'day.

I'm here to see, um, Teefarnay O'Reilly.

Teefarnay? You mean Tiffany.

Yeah, Tiffany.

Um, can you tell me what this is about?

Because I'm not too sure whether I want to speak with her, because... we kind of ended up on really bad terms.

The only thing I bin guilty of is lovin' you, John.

I bin giving my all, but I never bin gettin' nothing in return.

Ah, we've heard all about it.

Really?

Well, what'd she say?

Oh, she told us everything.

You're not Murri.

Here, bubba, you don't wanna talk to me like that when I belongs to you.

That's proper 'urtful, you know?

She's been here a few months now.

Ever since we found her running around out there in the desert, naked, covered in mud, claiming land rights.

Look, the best way for her to get over it is by facing it.

(Sighs) Alright, fair enough. I'll speak with her.

OK. Through this way, mate.

Tiffany, you have a visitor.

(Normal voice) Hello, John. How are you?

Yeah, I'm well. You?

Better.

The doctors, they say that if I keep making progress, then I'll be out of eyah...

..here... within a couple of months.

Well, that's nice to hear.

So, can you tell me why you wanted to see me?

Wasn't my idea.

The doctors thought it would be good for me to see you.

They say that my decline started when I started dating you.

Please don't think that I'm blaming you.

I told them that I'd be... proper shame...

Sorry.

I just... I still have my moments.

Look, you'll be alright. You'll get through this.

I mean, if there's one thing I know about you, once you put your mind to something, there's no stopping you.

Thanks, John.

Well, look, Elaine's waiting for me, so I better go.

Is that the girl I met in the cafe when I had my little outburst?

Yeah.

She seemed nice.

It was really nice to see you, Tiff.

And I wish you a speedy recovery.

Me too, John. Me too.

OK. See ya.

Eyah la you, fella!

You bin hurt me proper bad!

And if there's one thing Teefarnay never bin forget, it's the pain she bin feel when you fella bin put that knife through her heart.

So, look out, John Hookey. I'm coming for you, fella!

I'm coming for you, fella, and your uptown woman, and you fella will know how that pain bin feel.

Oh... (Hisses) ..you fella will know!

How'd you go?

Yeah, good. I think she's gonna be OK.

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Dad?

Yes, son.

You know how they call black people who hang out at parks 'parkies'?

Yes, son.

Well, does that make us... beachies?

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

Beachies.

Yeah.

So, for the ground-breaking ceremony, we've been asked to include a Welcome to Country.

What is that?

Oh, it's like an Aborigine welcomes us to their land, and they kind of bang on about how we should respect it and... cultural stuff.

Apparently, in the last year, it's become the norm.

Everyone's doing it. We need to keep up.

OK. Are we on to it?

You bet.

Last night I jumped on to Google, made a few phone calls, got the names of a couple of Aborigines who specialise in this sort of thing.

Oh, excellent. Anyone good?

Yeah, there's an old man called Ben who goes by the stage name 'Uncle Jack'.

Great, we'll have him. That's good.

Wait, there were some others, yeah?

There was an old woman who's highly recommended, goes by the name of Aunty Dot.

'Aunty Dot', that sounds nice.

Let's have her.

The thing is she asked for $1,000 plus exclusive rights to all our Welcome to Countries.

Oh, that'd be right.

Um, what about the Jack guy?

Jack only asked for $500, but he wants a tab at the bar for him and his nephews.

OK, it's a ground-breaking ceremony, there won't be a bar.

We shouldn't have to pay for all this ancient mumbo jumbo we don't even want.

Too bloody right!

They should do it for the love of it.

Geez.

Why don't we just do it ourselves?

I mean, how hard can it be?

Thank you all for coming today.

So, as we prepare to break ground on this amazing new development, we would like to pay respects to the traditional custodians of the land with a traditional Welcome to County.

(Muted applause)

(Mutters unintelligibly Hello. Hello.

How you mob doin', eh? Are you deadly? Yeah?

Er, we got proper good land to be sold here, eh?

Proper good price too, huh?

So, uh... let's break this land.

(Applauds)

I wonder who his mob are?

(Both moan erotically)

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this feels great. Yeah.

Equal.

Both: Uh-huh.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Yep.

You're... You're not in.

Oh.

Wait.

You've gone soft. Why have you gone soft?

Is it... Is it me?

Hey, no, no. No, no.

Well, kind of.

What do you mean, 'kind of'?

Well...

It's just hard for me to... you know, get it up, because I can't look at you without thinking about you being...

Being what?

Being Aboriginal.

Oh. Oh, so you're a racist?

No! No.

Oh, OK, so your pen1s is a racist?

My pen1s is not a racist.

But you can't have s*x with me because I'm Aboriginal.

I just can't, as a white man, have s*x with you, a black woman, without oppressing you or your people.

Well, maybe you're being racist if you DON'T have s*x with me.

Yeah, maybe you need to have s*x with me to bridge... the gap?

Yeah?

Yeah, maybe you need to have s*x with me as action that affirms, as affirmative action.

Yeah.

Our ancestors didn't fight for our civil rights, they didn't march across The Harbour Bridge and Kevin Rudd did not say 'sorry' for us to not have s*x.

It's our duty as Australians.

We're going to have s*x in every position, free of the white, male patriarchy.

This is one night for man, but one giant lifetime for mankind.

(Moans)

May?

Yes, Cale.

Oh. I just came.

Oh, sh1t.

(Both exhale)

(Snores)

Do you feel like... you're doing fuck-all?

And you feel like you should be doing f*ck heaps?

Well, you probably just need a little bit of motivation.

And my series of books and audio books, as read by me, Uncle Doctor, are bound to get you on the right path.

My 'f*ck Up and Do Sumfint' series starts with Vol.1 - Shutchole.

The reason you're not doing fuck-all is because ya probably talkin' sh1t.

Shutchole.

See, you're not reaching ya full potential coz ya full of sh1t, something's not right with you.

Shutchole.

(Strains)

Each book is pleather-bound, so it feels mad.

Order now and get my other bestsellers like...

(Gasps) That's Probably Infected.

Is He Dead? Vol.4.

And Stop f*ckin' Around And Get It Togevva.

Order now, ya dumb dog.