01x07 - Cowboys

[bunniefuu]

(chanting) No excuse for animal abuse!

No excuse for animal abuse!

Excuse me...

Yeah, I just... No.

Is it true that this rodeo has been abusing animals?

I don't know what's going on at all.

How's it going, jackass?

(horse neighs)

Hey, Eddie. Sorry about last night. Family thing.

What's with all the protestors outside? Is it because of the dung smell?

Rodeo is a mean thing.

Ooh.

The bulls are mean.

Cowboys are meaner than sh*t.

And the audience, they can be meaner than anyone if their cheap beer runs out.

That's why the rodeo needs you damn fool clowns.

Defuse situations.

Take people's mind off all the blood and gore out there when some cowboy gets trashed by a bull.

And with you gone last night, things just went to pure sh*t.

Yeah, but Bingo was there last night.

Bingo is a number-two clown.

He wants to be number-one clown.

When a feller ain't comfortable in his position, he's a dangerous animal.

What did he do?

First thing he does, he goes out there, upchucks his moonshine lunch.

(retches)

This old bull...

This old bull goes over there and gets all boozy eye and puts his boozy eyes on old Bingo's fat-ass keg of swill and says, "Mmm. That's where that good moonshine come from."

So he takes off after Bingo, and Bingo run.

Boy, he run like no chickenshit son of a bitch ever run in his life.

Bingo runs into the bleachers.

That bull went right after him.

I ain't never seen a bull climb a fence like that.

Folks is just scrambling to get away. So I takes my g*n out.

(bull lowing)

Blam! I sh**t that bull right in the eyes.

You did?

It was a damn shame.

That was a fine bull. I was aiming at Bingo's wide old butt cr*ck.

Well, at least you didn't commit m*rder, you know?

(both laugh)

You wronged me, Baskets.

But what Bingo did was worse. Got me to thinking.

I got some of my own personal accounts to be settled.

Could be maybe this old g*n come in handy for one last thing.

But you don't know where Bingo is, right?

Oh, I know where he's at.

Now, then. Your girlfriend, she's got a car, right?

Yeah, Martha has a car. Yeah, she'll take you.

Come on, let's go.

I don't need to go, do I?

You and Martha go. I think the two of you could handle this.

You owe me, Baskets. We gotta do this.

(crowd chanting) Boycott! Boycott!

Hey, Eddie. Where we going? Gotta get some cowboy justice.

Okay, but where? If I put it in my map...

Down the road... Just drive.

There's a big tree on the right, you turn left.

Do you have, like, an address? 'Cause it's easier to set it and forget it with an actual, like, a number.

'Cause if we... I can just...

Where are we going, Eddie? To a tree?

It's up there.

(female voice, indistinct)

Shut up, lady!

Good to go.

Did you put...

Yes!

Is there something weird going on?

We're going to do some unpleasant business, and I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Well...

(fake cough) Martha.

Are you okay?

Hmm?

(mouths words)

Chip, I'm sorry. I'm not good at charades.

I'm sorry. I can't...

(whispering) The guy in the middle has a g*n.

Ed... Eddie? What?

(sighs)

Pull over. I got to pee.

Okay.

Is that code for something?

(urinating)

Martha: What kind of g*n do you think he has?

What difference does it make? That's the g*n he's going to use to k*ll Bingo.

Well, sh**t.

Does that make us complicit?

Or liable? Or is it libel?

Possibly all three. I don't know.

(clicks tongue)

We probably could just leave old Pissagara Falls here.

Probably be peeing for three more hours. He won't even know we left.

Okay, let's go.

Couple more miles, we take a detour...

Eddie style.

Who's there? Eddie!

Is that you?

Is that Bingo?

Maybe it's his sister.

Eddie!

(mattress pounding)

(woman moaning)

(Eddie shouting, indistinct)

(moaning continues)

Whoa!

(woman laughs)

Oh, my goodness. That's about as much fun as I had since the pig got loose.

Here's 40 dollars to help keep the lights on.

Oh, you are a gentleman as ever.

Well, that mattress is awful wet.

You and Martha want to use the sofa?

For what?

No, thank you. We're good.

How about a snack?

Snacks are good.

Yeah.

♪ They say it lasts until the end... ♪

How are those beans?

Um, I'm not that big of a bean fan.

I can make you something else. Would you like some macaroni and cheese?

Yellow? White? Would you like that, honey?

I would. Yeah, I would love that.

No problem.

♪ We're always forever... ♪

Oh, careful of that bourbon, honey.

It's meaner than Willie Nelson on a good day.

Is Willie Nelson mean?

(laughs) Oh, you're so young, you wouldn't know.

Wha...

Um, Willie Nelson...

One of the most dangerous singer-songwriters that ever traveled these United States, isn't that so?

That is, that's so.

And he is a dirty fighter.

That's so, too.

Hmm.

Well, on his CD, he looks really nice in this picture.

That's all smoke and mirrors.

This is the real Willie Nelson she's talking about.

Hell, Willie Nelson's the one that messed up Roy Orbison's eyes, threw cocaine right in them.

No kidding.

Mm-hmm.

Martha, shh.

That's how a dirty fighter does it.

They throw cocaine in your eyes.

Poor Roy. God.

Now don't you worry about Roy Orbison.

(chuckles)

Roy got his own.

He did.

He got his, didn't he?

He did.

Yes, he did.

Hard to believe.

Well, you need to open your mind, Martha, or your life's just gonna be sh*t. (chuckles)

I like you.

I should stop.

(chuckles)

So where are you all headed?

We're gonna go with Eddie to k*ll one of his employees.

(laughs) Same old Eddie.

Eddie's just a little boy that's pretending to be John Wayne.

But you're not a cowboy.

I'm a clown.

Oh, that is a fine trade. (pats leg)

It's honest work. Your mom must be so proud.

Oh, well, my mom ain't too proud of me, neither.

On account that you're a hooker?

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come on.

Clowns are brave.

Mm-hmm.

That's the truth.

♪♪ (humming tune)

Oh, Chip. He never has cash.

Does your friend take debit?

(laughs)

It's not a filling station, honey.

Well, it kind of is.

Take debit. (laughs)

Did you ever have any kids, Thelma?

Nope. You?

No.

Hmm.

Well, you still got a ring on your finger.

Not too late, you know?

Yeah, I wanted to start a family, but she up and left for Paris.

Oh...

Well, the whole California music scene up and moved to Nashville when I wanted to have kids.

(chuckles)

That's unfair, you would have been a great mom.

You're a good boy.

(sighs)

(vehicle approaching)

Hi, there.

Hi. You Thelma?

That I am.

Oh, you with another customer right now?

Do you mind giving us about five more minutes before you start sexing?

Well, I could, but I was told this is my time right now.

You're messing with my livelihood, baby boy.

Come on. Come on up, dear. Come on up.

Take my hand.

Don't mind the guests. They're very friendly.

This is Martha.

Oh, hi. I'm Martha.

Hi, Martha.

She seemed nice.

Thelma is an old friend of mine.

I have lots of friends on these roads.

This is fun. It reminds me of summer camp.

Did you ever go to camp? No. Did you?

No.

Listen.

If something weird happens with Bingo, you're gonna have to call the cops, okay?

Well, Chip, you know I'm uncomfortable with the pigs.

Chip: Please.

I guess it'd be good for me to get out of my comfort zone.

Ow! Oh, God.

Oh, God, I got bit. Chip, I got bit by a snake.

It's a gopher snake.

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

About as poisonous as a paper cut.

Okay. I'm sorry for overreacting.

Ow! Oh, God. I got bit on my ankle.

This little guy's really got it out for me.

Does it sting?

It does sting.

It really does. Yeah.

Uh, God, guys, sorry.

It's okay.

Really sorry about this.

Got some four-legged bunnies to bake up.

Ugh.

How are you gonna cook those things?

Roast them on the campfire rotisserie.

Okay, I'm all right.

(snake hissing)

Oh, God, he's coming back.

Oh! (groans)

Get out of here, boy!

Let's eat some hare.

So do you guys like your sweatshirts?

Uh, okay, well, this would be a good time to get to know each other.

Um, Eddie, when did you decide to become a cowboy?

Martha!

What? I'm interested.

Oh, hell, I've been a cowboy longer than I've been telling people I was a cowboy.

That'd be around 40 years by now.

Not that it means a hell of a lot.

Ain't nothing to being a cowboy.

You got to fight a man who needs fighting, love a gal pal that needs loving, all while drinking more dang whiskey than the Irish ever intended.

Hmm.

Chip, here, now, he done right being a clown.

Thanks, Eddie.

What about you, young lady? What are you?

Um, I don't know what you mean.

Well, I'm a cowboy. Chip's a lovesick clown.

Good old Thelma back there, she's a whore, bless her fine heart.

Good enough trade for a... For a woman.

What the hell are you?

Um, I guess I never really thought about it.

Um, I guess I'm just normal.

Normal. Hell, you ain't normal.

If you was normal, you wouldn't be sitting out here in the middle of the dirt.

Thanks, Eddie.

I think he means that as an insult, right?

No, I did not.

Oh.

Well, I guess good night, guys.

Good night, rabbit.

(snake hissing)

Good night, snake.

Oh, God!

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

Eddie.

Good morning.

Good morning, Eddie.

Yesterday was a real fun day.

Today might not be so fun.

You ready for it?

Okay.

(sighs) Okay.

We go the rest of the way on foot.

You stay here, Martha. You're a pretty lady.

What you see might not be so pretty.

Okay, cool. I didn't wanna be liable in whatever you're doing anyway.

Come on, Chip.

Wait. Where we going, Eddie?

Injun country.

Things are just a bit different in here.

(exhales) Okay. Yeah, uh...

(mouths words)

What?

Call 911... Go.

Oh. Okay.

Hot enough for you?

Not yet.

Yeah, they say it's gonna get pretty hot today.

That's okay.

Hello. 911.

Yeah, hi. Could I please have the police department?

Look, Eddie, I know that you're a cowboy and you have to do your cowboy things and you like honor and justice...

I don't like it. But I gotta do it.

Yeah, but I'm not a cowboy, Eddie.

I know you're not a cowboy.

But you got your part to play just the same.

What? Can we just go home, please?

Come on.

Jesus!

Well, I don't want to make a big deal out of this.

Like, I'm not one of those kind of people.

That's all right. Just tell me the problem, ma'am.

Uh, I was wondering, though, could you call the D.A. and make sure I'll get immunity in case I say anything incriminating?

You haven't been drinking, have you?

Oh, uh, no. If I were drinking, I'd be a lot more confident right now.

Eddie, are we even supposed to be here?

I know I sure ain't.

(Chip sighs)

No! No! No!

Now, Margaret, I know its been a long time.

And we've been just fine without you.

Oh, but Margaret, I've come a long ways.

(panting)

Are you Eddie?

My name's Ed.

Well, hell, that's dignified. You know who I am?

Are you my dad?

I brought you something.

My dad gave this to me when I was your age.

It totally screwed my life up.

So you're old enough now. You may as well have it.

Oh, and I brought you a clown.

Best damn clown in Bakersfield.

Oh.

Baskets is the name... Chip Baskets.

This is my son, Eddie.

You guys look just alike.

Eddie, doing birthday parties really isn't my forte, so...

Well, you're a clown, ain't you?

If you're a clown, you're a clown. If you ain't, what are you?

I guess I'm a Martha.

A Martha. Aww.

Okay! Does anybody have a handkerchief?

I have a napkin.

That will work.

Thank you, Chief. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, that's the wrong... (cries out)

Ta-da!

Okay. It's okay.

Oh! Another snake! It's another snake!

It's a gopher snake. Non-poisonous.

Get it! Get it off!

(g*nsh*t)

Thank you.

Thank you, Eddie's son.

(police siren chirps)

Hey, everything okay here?

Can I see that for a second?

Um... Is this where Bingo's body's buried?

Um... happy birthday.

So what happened with Bingo there?

This whole time I thought you were going after him for revenge.

Oh, hell. I just gave my cousin 50 dollars to break his legs.

Both of his legs?

Yeah. (chuckles)

You suck.

Some fatherly advice...

Don't ever have kids. They can be mean little bastards.

Yeah. Hey! Hey! Not the lady.

These long trips aren't so bad with cruise control.

Okay.

I can just set it and forget it, you know? Then my feet can do whatever.

Sorry I kicked you, Eddie.

Chip, you haven't said anything in, like, 150 miles.

Are you okay?

Uh, sorry, um...

Hey, can you pull over?

Okay.

Wait, Eddie, if I pull over, I have to break cruise control. Is it worth it?

Well, maybe not. But, uh, can you pull over anyway?

Okay.

(line ringing)

Hello.

Penelope, hi, it's Chip.

Chip!

Let me speak.

I only have 80 seconds, okay? Listen. I made a huge mistake.

We do not need to start a family. I was wrong.

I was wrong, and I think I scared you off, and I now realize that.

Chip...

No, you did not scary me off, okay?

What do you mean, I'm not scaring you off? What?

It was nothing you did. No.

Well...

Well, what was it then? I mean...

It was... It was your mother.

My mother. What do you mean?

She contacted my father.

Okay?

Wait, can you say that again?

She called my father, and they both together, everybody kick me out.

It's not so cool.

It's over. And I'm...

I have new life now.

Okay. Okay.

Chip?

Martha: Hey, Eddie, um, when this is done, I was thinking we could go to breakfast?

Breakfast. Yeah, huh?

We could go to...

Take me to my mother's, please.

Okay, um, we were also talking about maybe going to breakfast first.

Because IHOP has the rooty tooty fresh and fruity.

However...

Denny's has...

Grand Slam.

The Grand Slam and they have the Moons Over My Hammy.

And then it's also...

I think it's bacon night at Denny's.

Do you wanna go there?

Breakfast?

I'm good.