01x08 - Sugar Pie

[bunniefuu]

Penelope went back to France. She left me.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

She doesn't understand a sensitive boy like you, but I do, and I'm not gonna leave you.

You did not scary me off, okay?

Well, what was it, then, what? I mean...

It was your mother.

I'm not as simple as you think I am, dear.

Take me to my mother's, please.

Well, your mom shouldn't have done that, Chip, but maybe it'll turn out to be for the best, you know?

When my ex-fiancé left, I was really upset at first, but then it turned out I had a lot more space in the closet, so it kind of worked out.

Yeah, well, we didn't share a closet, so your analogy doesn't make any sense.

Get off me.

Well, your mom probably just did it 'cause she cares about you.

Martha, do me a favor.

Never care about me, please.

Oh. Maniac!

This is my granddaughter. Isn't she beautiful?

Let me see that.

She's 21 already. I can't believe it.

My Cody is dating a 21-year-old.

Oh!

Yeah.

And how's Chip?

A little birdie told me he got married.

Christine, you can tell us.

Well, they parted ways recently.

Oh, that's so, so sad.

Oh, it was mutual.

Oh.

And Chip is better off for it.

Poor Chip. I mean, first his father falls off a bridge, and now his wife falls out of the marriage.

My goodness, that's very sad.

Well, girls. Who's ready for dessert?

Oh, me.

Everything just looks so good.

I know, it's delicious.

Oh... Did you make those cookies?

Oh, Christine, get in here.

I can honestly say, this is the best zucchini cake I've ever had.

I mean, it's the only zucchini cake.

Maggie, that was wonderful. Thank you. I'm gonna head out.

Oh, well, Christine, what are you gonna do about your sugar pie?

Oh, you keep it.

That's very sweet of you, dear, but nobody in this family would eat it.

We're all off sugar right now, you know, with Shelly and Michael's wedding coming up.

Nobody in this family would eat it.

We're all off sugar right now.

Ugh!

Thanks for the ride.

We're evened up, Baskets.

See you at the rodeo.

Bye, Chip. Good luck.

Mom.

Mom.

Can I have a word...

Mom, that's a weird place for a nap. Mom, I need to ta...

Mom.

What is that?

What did you do to her?

I didn't do anything, I just got home.

Oh, please. You have been causing her stress ever since you were a little twerp.

Look, I'm on my way to a round robin volleyball tournament in Fresno with Sarah. Okay? I don't have time to handle this.

Well, you could forfeit.

Oh, I could forfeit, could I?

And just break the hearts of all of these teenage girls.

That's not my style, Chip. Okay? God, the timing of this couldn't be any worse.

Look, Mom's turning gray.

Let's just take a breather for a second, try to figure out what we're gonna do.

Okay, one thing we're not gonna do, we're not gonna call an ambulance, okay?

Because Nicole's brother-in-law was stuck with a $50,000 ambulance bill when his "cloritis" flared up.

Um...

Chip...

No, I don't know what to do.

Good Lord, call a limousine, that'd probably be cheaper.

Get one of them stretch Hummers. Probably gonna need it anyway, if you know what I mean.

Not to make fun of Mama's size.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Um...

Do not twerp this up. This is my mom we're talkin' about here.

Do you understand me?

Okay. Okay.

I hate you, Mama.

Her name?

Uh, Christine Roosevelt Baskets.

Age?

Uh, good question. She was born in 1953.

Do the math...

Does she have any allergies?

Uh... I... I don't know.

My brother would know better.

Okay. Is he older?

Yes, he's older, by a day and a half.

Okay.

She's 63 years old. Are you near my brother?

Can you put him on the phone, please?

Your brother wants to talk to you.

Oh, good. Yes, Dale?

I guess we're following Chip's plans now, huh?

Just, uh, spending money Willy Nilly. Like we've got it.

You weren't here. You're off at your softball tournament.

Well, listen, do yourself a favor. When Mama wakes up, if she does wake up, maybe explain to her why there's a lien on her house and a boot on her car.

Look, I tried to move her.

I... I couldn't, she was... she was kind of stuck in the kitchen, and then...

Sarah. Come here for a second.

Chip, will you tell my daughter that she has an uncle who is a selfish prick, and that he's the only one allowed to have dreams in this family, and that she's not gonna be able to go to the volleyball tournament because of your attitude. Are you able to tell her that, please?

Listen, I can do this.

Okay.

Tell Mama I said hi, if she wakes up, okay?

Okay. Hello?

What did Uncle Chip want to say?

He just was goin' on and on about how he's ruining the family.

Okay.

It's okay. Let's go!

Lady Cowboys... Oh, they're off the bus.

Okay.

Your mother was living as an undiagnosed diabetic.

And somehow she was just maintaining her levels without even knowing it.

Until today, when she had a hypoglycemic episode.

Um, something caused her blood sugar levels to crash, and she went into a diabetic coma.

We now have her on a dextrose I.V. trying to get her blood sugar back up.

Usually, comas like this just last a few days until things normalize, but, uh, you just never know.

I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Can you repeat that?

Sure. Um, your mother was living as an undiagnosed diabetic, and she was maintaining...

So it's basically bad news?

Well, the good news is that you called 911.

You saved her life, so...

That's the good news, right?

Yeah.

That's good news.

It's a lot to process. Why don't I just leave you be here.

Thank you, Doctor.

Sure.

Oh, Ma.

Ma.

Okay. I'm in.

And... smells a little weird in here.

Oh, my God. Jelly beans.

Martha.

Yes?

Okay, listen, do me a favor.

There is a framed photo of Cody and Logan, Mom's in the middle.

Can you bring that? I'm trying to make it homier in here.

Okay. Do you want me to bring a picture of you and Dale, too?

Yeah, maybe... maybe there's a photo of us when we were still cute.

About how far back would that be?

The '70s. Early '70s.

All right, so those pictures, clothes, toothbrush, and then do you need pajamas or do you sleep in the nude?

Hi. Hello. Uh, your door was open. Hello.

Uh, howdy. Uh... uh...

That's very dangerous. There's a lot of crazy people out there.

It's not safe to leave your door open like that, but anyway, um, yeah, uh, do you know Chip Baskets?

Yes.

Okay, do... do you know if he's home?

Uh, is he home?

No, um, he's actually at the hospital dealing with a coma.

Okay. Okay. Hmm, yeah.

All right. Do you... do you know which bus line that would... the hospital would be off of?

I... I'm a bus guy now, so...

Um, I actually... I can drive you there.

I just have to get a few things and then head over.

Oh, great.

So...

Okay.

Oh, wow. Oh, you smell good.

Okay. Sorry. Um, anyway...

Whew. Um, yeah, okay, but I have to let you know I cannot chip in any money for gas.

That's totally okay.

Awesome.

So, you ready?

Okay, wait.

Let's go.

Okay, wait. Who are you?

Let's go, Lady Cowboys, let's go!

Sarah, look alive. Look alive, look alive.

Thank goodness. Hey, Mom.

Chip's been driving me crazy. What's going on?

This is Chip, Dale.

Well, talk fast because I got a volleyball game I'm coaching.

Let's go, number 4. You're gonna have to bump it!

I'm tired of sayin' it! Oh! J...

Go ahead. What were you sayin'?

Mother is in a diabetic coma.

She should wake up when her sugar levels are more normal, okay?

They have an I.V. in her.

Oh, that's B.S.!

Okay, listen, I'm right here at the hospital. Mom!

Mom! See? Nothin'.

Girls! Bump! Set!

Spike! It's alphabetical. It's easy to remember.

Okay, I'm just thinkin', I'm thinkin', I'm mulling it over.

You're mulling what over?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take her out of the hospital, that's one thing we're gonna do, and we'll just take care of her at the house, it'll be a lot cheaper. Okay?

Dale, that is a terrible idea. Okay?

We're gonna get her home, we're gonna get her comfortable, buy some pillows, everything like that, because the hospital is draining us.

Time out!

Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go. Bye.

Look, I'm the one at the hospital. I have things under contr...

He hung up. Unbelievable.

Mom!

Mom.

All right, ladies, this is game point.

Sarah, get that serve in, okay?

Coach, can I have a second?

Make it quick.

Hey, ladies, uh, I'm Dale Baskets, chaperone, assistant head coach. Number 4, why are you spiking? Do you spike?

You're too short to spike. You're a bumper, you gotta bump like you mean it. Okay?

She is a spiker. She's tall.

You are a stump. Stumps bump. Period!

Okay? So get out there and bump like you mean it.

Bump, bump, bump, bump it up! All right?

Go ahead, coach.

Thank you.

All right, ladies, let's get back out there.

Have fun. Okay? Bring it in.

Victory on three. One, two, three...

Victory!

I can't hear you!

Sarah, listen to me.

Okay. None of this J.V. stuff.

Do not go underhanded. I want you to go...

Okay? Do not disappoint me.

Dad, you're gay.

You're a gay.

Let's go, Lady Cowboys.

Okay, boys, first day of school.

Dale, I'm counting on you.

You watch out for Chip, now. He's gonna need your help today. Love you.

All right, come on, Sarah!

Yeah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Lady Cowboys!

Lady Cowboys, Lady Cowboys, Lady Cowboys.

Good try, ladies. Nice game.

You fought your hearts out. Good game.

Ya suck!

Dale!

Yeah.

Hey, Chip.

Hey.

The room looks really beautiful.

Wow. Your friend looks very, very sick.

I'm sorry, who... Who are you?

Hi. Uh, Kurt Wheeler.

Kurt...

Are you Chip?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, cool.

I have a package for you.

Uh, a delivery.

Could you open it right now? I mean, I love seeing what people get, and their expression, it's so...

These are, uh...

Divorce papers from my wife.

Oh, man.

Sorry, I... I thought it was maybe concert tickets or something like that.

Uh, just not concert tickets, obviously, but she must have sent these before this happened here.

That's my mother.

Oh, this... This isn't your wife?

No... No.

No. Oh, oh, okay.

Um, if I could get you to sign this.

It's, uh, just initial it, sign it, any... it's good.

Thanks.

She drove me over here. And it... it's, uh...

'Cause he can't... he came to your mom's house.

Right. Yes. I'm a bus guy, so, you know, it's kind of, you know...

Otherwise, this was not gonna happen, you know, so...

You can take that.

Oh.

Oh, wow. This is...

I mean, I'm just a...

I'm a... I'm a bus rider.

You know, this really means a lot to me, this is very nice of you.

Um, I'm gonna go, but great balloons.

Fantastic balloons. Thank you.

Um, thanks for the ride. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm really sorry, Chip.

About?

Everything.

Girls, TVs off, laptops down.

Dad!

Don't Dad me right now.

We got volleyballin' to think about.

That is tomorrow. Lot of games. Get with it, all right?

Chaperone Dale comin' through.

Go to bed, girls! That is the lamest dance party I think I've ever seen in my life. remember, they're very, very hot.

Yeah, very, very, hot.

♪ The silent stars go by ♪
♪ Yet in thy dark street shineth ♪
♪ The everlasting light ♪
♪ The hopes and fears of all the years ♪
♪ Are met in thee ♪
♪ Tonight ♪

God.

Wh...

Oh. Hey, guys.

Oh, what up, Chip? It's not too early, is it?

It's afternoon where we are.

No, I'm up.

How's Mom doing? I can't believe she's in a coma.

That's so crazy.

Yo, what up, Mom?

Guys, she can't hear you.

You sure?

Where are you guys? You're frozen.

We're in Halifax. Opening up for The Chemical Brothers tonight.

Oh, really? Cool.

Yeah, we...

Let's go, Sarah!

God.

She stinks.

Hey, Coach. If you want to take Sarah out, that's fine.

She's obviously the weakest link.

Dale. Stop.

It's... I mean, it's game point, Coach.

It's okay to lose gracefully. Just calm down.

Okay.

Okay. Fine.

No! You can't hit the ball, man.

I didn't.

Stop! Yes, you did!

No, I didn't.

We all saw you!

Saw me do what?

Hit the ball!

I didn't hit the ball, I'm just the coach.

I was just standin' here.

You're not even a coach.

You watch your mouth, lady. Who is this lady?

There's a lady on a girls' team. There's a lady on the girls' team.

Cheaters, cheaters, cheaters.

Dad.

She's probably German, too.

With steroid use and such.

He's a liar. We all saw it.

Prove it! Prove it. Where's your proof?

He hit the ball in.

Sorry for sh**ting it vertically. I didn't know it was gonna be a thing.

Let me see this.

No, I didn't.

We all saw you.

Oh, this is one of those apps that'll turn anything into anything.

This is bullshit.

Sir, you need to think about the example that you're setting for the girls.

Get out!

You get out!

You get...

Just, uh...

I'm just going through a lot of things right now in my life!

And, uh...

Sir, Ge... get... Get off the... get out!

You try to handle the problems that I'm dealing with.

Can you stop?

Please?

My mother is in a coma.

And, uh, you know, I'm doin' pretty well, you know, considering.

So, uh, I'm gonna be fine, I'm sure she's gonna be fine and, uh...

Sarah, let's go. Sir... Excuse me.

No, no, no.

No, no! Get out... give me my whistle.

Hi, Chip.

Hey, Mama.

I brought you a Toblerone.

She probably can't eat it right now.

Of course, she can't eat Toblerone right now.

It's okay.

Seems stupid to bring a Toblerone in here.

It's okay.

How'd the tournament go?

Well, I cheated.

The girls played their hearts out, though, but I got ejected.

She looks dead.

She's not.

Those fellas show up?

No.

That figures.

Your adopted twins, Mom. They're garbage.

Okay?

And we know that Dad didn't fall off the bridge, he jumped.

What are you talkin' about?