02x03 - Bail

[bunniefuu]

Martha: Hello? Is somebody there?

I can hear somebody breathing.

I'm wondering if I'm on...

It's not me. Are you...

Can you see if you're on mute?

Martha.

I'm in prison in Camarillo.

Hey, Chip. Oh, my God, it's so good to hear from you.

I made this flyer for you... Or not for you, but for people to find you, or...

My bail's been set for $10,000, and I need you to come and get me.

Now, please.

Um, I don't have $10,000, Chip.

Maybe we could ask your mom for it?

Nope. Do not bring Mom into this, please.

Martha, please don't do that.

Okay?

Well, okay, but I don't know how...

Martha, do not tell anyone.

Okay.

Thank you.

Christine, is that you?

Oh, hi, Maggie.

What in the world are you doing here?

Well, I'm on a new exercise kick.

I'm exercising, I'm dieting, my nurse has me on a whole program.

I've lost 32 ounces.

Oh, well, that's something.

And I've signed up for the water aerobics here.

Are you doing that?

Water aerobics? No.

I come here three times a week to do my laps.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪♪

Nice smooth motions. And two...

Nice, Christine. Everyone see how Christine's doing it?

Just like that.

Three... and four.

[Sighs] Oh, sh*t.

Good morning, Martha.

Hi, Dale.

How are you?

I got you these. Pansies for my pansy.

Okay, well, these aren't pansies, Dale, but thanks.

So I was wonderin' if you'd like to go see a movie with me tonight of the Pixar variety.

I can't. I can't go tonight. I'm sorry.

Why is that? I mean...

I've been comin' here mornin' after mornin', you know, givin' you stacks of flowers, and all I hear is excuses, excuses, excuses, Martha.

It's startin' to hurt my feelings.

Well, this time the excuse is the truth, though.

What, you don't like Pixar films?

No, I just, um... Chip called me.

Yeah. So?

Well, so he's in jail in Camarillo and...

He's in jail in Camarillo, is he?

Yeah, and he needs me to bail him out, and I don't have $10,000.

What's he in jail for?

Is he smuggling Oxycontin up his derriere?

Um, I don't know, Dale, he didn't tell me, but he did tell me I couldn't tell anyone else that he's in jail, and so I don't know what I'm gonna do about it, 'cause I don't have his bail...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You're upset. I'm upset.

The difference is you're sexy when you're upset, you know?

I know but that's not what I'm trying to do right now.

Okay?

Okay.

If I make this Chip problem go away, will you promise to go on a date with me tonight and see a Pixar film?

[Tires squealing]

Hey, Mom, guess what? Chip's in prison in Camarillo.

You need to go bail him out.

Your shrubs are lookin' nice.

[Tires squealing]

Jesus. Camarillo.

I don't know what to eat.

Have you been to Camarillo?

I have not, but it's only two hours away.

Is it even a town? Is it incorporated or...

I mean, where am I gonna eat?

Are there chains there? Is their food healthy food?

I'm sure you can find some healthy options, just maintain your routine. Okay?

I mean, I'm going to get my son out of prison.

I think it's a little hard to maintain a routine.

You have my number, and this is a print out of the pool hours at the hotel you're gonna be staying at in Camarillo.

Okay?

Oh, lifesaver.

So you can keep up with your water aerobics.

That's the hotel?

It is.

Three times a week is what we talked about, remember?

All right. Well, I'll do what I can.

The judge is in charge of this thing.

Christine, you are in charge of this thing, okay?

Routine...

I'm not in charge of anything.

[Groaning]

Christine.

Christine, take a deep breath.

I'm okay.

You're a strong woman...

Uh-huh.

And you're gonna be there for your kids.

But to do that, you have to stay healthy.

We finally got you pooping every day, okay?

Yes.

We really need to keep that up.

Okay.

All right.

I need socks. I didn't see one sock in here.

I will go grab your socks.

Get me some socks.

Is there anything else we need upstairs?

Socks. I need socks. Those hotel floors are filthy.

♪♪

[Beeping]

[Screaming]

Joey! No splashing!

Be nice to your sister.

[Sighs]

Are you sure this is the right room?

Sorry, Mom.

Christine: Oh.

I can't believe it.

Oh.

When Dale told me...

Dale told you, huh?

I thought, "Oh, my God, my son?"

I don't even see my Chippy in there.

I see a jail bird.

Mom, I don't want you worrying about me anymore.

Okay?

It's not worth it for you.

What did you do to get in here?

Mom, it was just...

It was trespassing, and... And mischief, I think.

Mischief?

Mischief. Yeah. General Mischief.

Mischief!

Mischief.

Were you chasing a mouse around?

Oh, Chip.

Is it because I sent your French wife away?

No, that's not it.

You know, Chip, I provide a house for you, I give you food, I give you money, I bought... I bought... I bought tennis shoes, I paid for your clown college...

I don't know what to tell you, Mom.

I'm... I'm a millennial.

What does that even mean?

I actually don't know.

Well, I'm your mother.

Do you know what that means?

Does it mean anything to you?

Yes, Mom.

[Rapid beeping]

Oh!

Can you believe it?

One more thing, that's what I needed.

Oh.

Ma'am, what are you doing?

I'm a diabetic.

I'm sorry, you can't do that here.

Officer, she just needs to take her medicine.

No, you're gonna have to do it out in the lobby, please.

Oh, my God, you're going to be the death of me.

Oh, God.

Sorry. Family stuff.

There she is, and date night has begun.

Hi, Dale. Does this mean that you took care of the Chip stuff?

Oh, absolutely, yes.

Okay, thanks.

And... I got you these, some chocolates from a chocolatier downtown.

Okay. Thanks.

Your chariot awaits.

Okay.

So, the cuisine tonight's gonna be Chinese, but the check will be Dutch.

Okay.

Well, I wore you down. I told you I would.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Yep. Now, I've had a lot of experience with a long-term relationship, so I thought we'd, you know, lay down a few ground rules.

Number one: I think...

Dale, I was kind of hoping we could be little bit more loosey-goosey with this.

Ooh, yeah.

Like with my ex fiancé, we didn't really have any ground rules and stuff.

Well, you said it yourself, ex fiancé.

You and I are playing for keeps.

Okay? So, Nicole, if there's any...

Uh, Dale, you just called me Nicole.

Well, that's gonna happen.

That is definitely gonna happen.

So, how did it go with Chip?

Did... Did everything turn out okay?

Don't you worry about Chip. I told you that, Martha.

Just worry about us.

Okay.

You know, I was thinkin' you'd be such a good step-mom to my daughters.

You really would.

Or maybe one day you and I could have a kid.

All I gotta do is put my seed, you know, inside your dirt.

And we'll have a little squirt.

[Chuckles]

Oh, good.

Say, could you, uh, give me the...

Bail?

What?

Bail. I saw you earlier.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're lookin' for where you go to post bail.

I am.

Yeah.

Down here?

It... It's... You know what?

I'll just show you.

You will?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, they... this...

They don't show you this part on TV.

No.

Jeez.

Oh, boy. Seems like you know your way around.

Yeah, well, you know, over the years, my Daughter's been in and out of trouble.

She's a good kid.

I blame it all on rap music, dr*gs, and tattoos.

Oh. Three things I know nothing about.

Yeah, that's right.

What about your child, huh?

A first offense.

First offense?

Probably just get a slap on the wrist.

Do you think so?

Yeah.

Well, why do I feel like such a bad mother, then?

You're not a bad mother. You're here.

That means that you haven't given up.

Here we are.

Oh, good.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years is that you just can't give up.

Yeah.

$10,000 bail.

We could just go to Hawaii.

I'm just kidding.

I get anxious during these type of things.

Yeah, I understand. It can get confusing.

Yeah.

Again, good luck.

Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

All right.

Thank you.

Bail?

Well, I would consider that a successful first date, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I guess.

You really talk a lot during movies, Dale.

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

I certainly do.

So, listen, I was thinkin' maybe we could get another date on the books. Next Tuesday I have a PTA meeting, which...

Hey, Martha, it's Chip. Did you tell Dale, 'cause Mom's really upset right now. She might fall into another coma because of you.

Tossed salad entrapped in Jell-O, which I love.

What are you doing?

Um, Dale, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can go out with you again.

Well, why not? This was a very successful first date.

I just said that.

I know, but I'm just really worried about Chip.

Worried about Chip? He is...

He's a felon.

Look, you know how in the Pixar movie there's a coffee cup and a coffee can?

Yes, and a talking pencil.

Right, so for me, Chip is like the coffee cup, and you're like the coffee can who the pencil doesn't really want to, um, be more than friends with.

Well, you're like the talking pencil to me, because you're always runnin' your mouth.

Do you know how much this date cost me?

It almost cost me $40, Martha.

And it would have cost me $40 had I not borrowed the $5 from you to buy that family size Goober box!

You're such a selfish little prick!

Dale, wait. You're my ride.

Okay, maybe this is a good opportunity to sign up for Uber.

[Indistinct chatter]

Yeah, can I get another one of those, please?

[Exhales]

Maybe I might end up doing it.

I... I might do some paperwork or something like that for it later, but it's not even...

Are you okay?

What's that?

I'm sorry, just... It looked like something was wrong with you.

[Laughs]

No, I was making a pass.

Oh.

I was makin' a pass over... to you or... one of your friends.

Either one of 'em, but it doesn't matter.

You don't know when a man's making a pass at you?

[Laughing]

You know what? Can I get this to go, please?

Just get a Styrofoam cup.

I'm sorry, but I can't serve you anymore.

How about a nice glass of water, huh?

[Scoffs] A glass of water?

What do you think, I'm poor or something?

No, I'll just take the check.

Thank you very much.

This place is full of duds anyway.

Lady duds. Worst kind of duds.

♪♪

$48 for 16 mimosas?

How's your food?

Good.

You want a crouton?

No, thanks.

They're good.

Very crunchy.

I hate a soggy crouton.

Can I be excused, Mom?

Why?

I just want to go outside for a second.

You stay here, I'll be done in a minute.

I used to worry about you going outside and smoking a cigarette before.

Now I have to worry about you going outside and smoking heroin.

I'm not gonna smoke heroin at an Applebee's, Mom.

Hey, there's train tracks back there.

Maybe you want to hit the hobo highway.

Go to gypsy town.

Okay, so I hope you two left some room for dessert.

No dessert.

No. Yeah, we should look at this.

Mom, what do you want to get?

Chip, no.

Mom, get some dessert. You love dessert.

She'd love to get some dessert.

Okay, great.

She'll get a Caramel Shorty Shake.

Great.

No, Chip, I do not want that.

She'll also have a Fudge-cano.

No.

All right.

She'll also get the Tart-zilla...

Okay.

And she'll get the Chimichanga Chocolate Conga.

Great.

And also the chocolate lasagna.

No. I don't want...

Cheesecake smoothie.

No, I don't want a dessert.

Just leave the check. Thank you.

Whenever you're ready.

[Crunching]

Man: [On TV] Well, what do you know?

I was finally able to give you some advice.

[Door slams]

[Laughter]

Mom, who is that?

Hey, everybody. I got CVS dinner.

I got kicked out of Ralph's.

Dad's home.

Yeah.

Dale, what are you doing?

Got some, uh... frozen pizza for the ladies.

And...

We already had dinner, Dale.

Well, we'll have a second dinner, then.

It's okay. [Chuckles]

I got some, uh, Finger Crisp, and chips for you, and chips for you, and I got some pizza nuggets.

Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm cookin' dinner, just, you know, wanted to hang out with you guys.

Girls, go to your rooms.

He shouldn't be here.

I said go to your rooms.

Listen to your mother.

Go on.

Can we eat this now?

Yes. Go.

Bubbly?

No bubbly.

I think you've had enough bubbly.

Have you been drinking mimosas?

I know I've had spiked orange juice, that's it.

Where's Martha?

Where's Martha.

[Sighs]

[Beep]

Oh, pizza.

God, that is hot!

You mean, a man can't cook dinner in his own home?

You're drunk.

And besides, you can't just come over like this.

We'll figure out a visitation schedule with the lawyers, but until then...

Nicole, I know that I messed up.

I regret everything I've done, okay?

But I need you back.

I'm a family man, plain and simple.

Did you really think this was going to work?

You used to love the crazy stuff.

Remember when we used to dance to "Monster Mash"?

[Sighs]

Boop.

Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.

Go home and go to sleep, Dale.

I am home.

No, you're not.

I'm sorry I disturbed you.

♪♪

[Gate squeaks]

Man 1: Use your credit card...

Man 2: At Cabinets To Go, we want you to have your...

Man: [On TV] What's goin' on?

Do that one.

This one?

Yeah.

It's funny.

[Laughter]

You know, I never claimed to be the best mother.

Half the time, I don't even know if I was a very good mother.

But I promised myself that I would try and be a better parent than my parents were, and well... that turned out to be harder than you think, 'cause with you, Chip, I'm not sure how to be a good mother.

You know, that...

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Beeping]

♪♪

[Engine starting]

[Water splashing]

[Crickets chirping]

♪♪

Call Chip.

Mom.

I wanna *** the clarity.

Hello.

It's Mom!

Yeah...