01x06 - What's Eating Uncle Jake?

[bunniefuu]

You can't go anywhere at Smoot these days without hearing about the JV Girls' volleyball team.

And by "team," I mean little Debbie, otherwise known as... Girl Quake!

[Twang! Sloop!]

This girl is incredible! This is our first time since the '80s that we made it to the State Championship.

What does Coach Fairbell have to say about this?

We got him walking to his car.

Oh, my god! Was he wearing his women's track suit, size small?

[Laughter]

I don't know if it's men's or women's.

The tag just says juniors 3, so... ohh!

[Sloop!]

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

[Sloop!]

Ahh... I'm okay.

[Baby crying]

Uh-oh!

Looks like Coach Baby Dunce fall down, go boom!

[Laughs]

I like the new direction Chen's taking the journalism class in.

No way. This is garbage.

I didn't even know we had a TV station.

Yeah. It was originally Smoot Court TV, but now they're branching out. But, trust me, nobody's watching this.

I'm glad they changed it.

This is way more fun.

It is way more fun.

Way more fun.

♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

Apparently, everyone around here thinks I'm some kind of big joke.

Well, I'm not laughing.

[Chuckles]

You remember that baby that was All "Wah! Wah!"?

Yeah.

Fairbell, that baby was you. They're saying you're not qualified to be coach, which is surprising, 'cause they're the same morons who paint their faces on game day.

There he is!

[Laughs]

S-m-double-o-t! Just the man I wanted to see!

Oh, Coach Fairbell, I want you to know something right now.

We are all behind you and Little Debbie and the other girls on the team.

Thank you.

Now, the PTA is actually willing to spend a little money to make sure you're supported.

Wow! What a shocker!

A bunch of bappin' harpies want to allocate money to something as worthless as organized sports!

Meanwhile, it's us educators who get the shaft.

You know I'm letting an oil company frack my front yard?

You need to watch your language in the tea...

Your attitude is appalling!

Abbey, I get it.

You love books. You should go read one right now.

Alone, silently.

Is anyone else upset about the results of the schoolwide literacy test?

No. Kids at Smoot are stupid.

I think we're all in agreeance on that.

Okay.

"Agreeance" is not a word. And that kind of attitude is why 30% of our kids read below a 5th-grade level!

Well, I'll tell you something... 100% of our students are jazzed about this volleyball game!

Yeah, they are.

So ridiculous.

Now, the PTA is offering $12 an hour to bring someone in to assist Coach Fairbell.

I'll do it.

Yeah. I should do that.

[Laughs]

It's ridiculous.

You don't even know anything about sports.

Me? I love the sporting and the events and the mallets and feathers and the pageantry! Nagano? Ha ha ha!

Whose horse?

[Imitates buzzer]

Halftime.

You know more than I thought.

You're hired. Deadwood shake?

That's great. Yeah.

We actually have to run that by the PTA first, you know. They're very particular about their funds.

Too late. Too late.

We already deadwood-shook on it. - We gotta go plan.

Come on, Assistant Coach.

You know, Quinn, If you need some more money I kind of have an in with a corporate sponsor.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you Loren.

We'll take all the pennies we can get.

Okay. All right. All right.

You want me to pay 500 bucks for what?

It's called a finder's fee. It's standard, Jake.

Ask anybody. I mean, don't. Trust me.

It's totally standard.

So, I pay you $500 so I can pay the school $2,000?

Jake, I don't know how to tell you this, but nobody really likes your pizza.

Sponsoring a girls' volleyball team could totally change your image.

Lots of people like my pizza.

Don't worry about my image. I've got something on the horizon that's gonna change everything for me.

Oh Christ! this isn't gonna be another crust-stuffed crust situation, is it?

A lot of people like crust. Some people only like the crust.

Nobody only likes crust.

You've never eaten pizza with somebody that leaves the body of the pizza and only eats the crust.

No, never.

An aluminum can. Cool, Jake.

This...

Is the future of pizza. Look.

[Groans]

I cut little circles...

Yeah...

Little pizza circles, then sell them to the kids $2.99. They love 'em.

Look at that... bite-size.

Unless you're a very small child.

Then, you know, it seems like a full pizza if you're a very young toddler.

The best part is what iit leaves behind.

I call it Uncle Jake's pizza web.

Retails at $4.99. Isn't that cool?

Look how dope that is.

Jake, I'm telling you this 'cause you're my cousin and I care about you.

That is literally the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my entire life.

You tell that to the man who invented the doughnut hole, 'cause I think he's doing pretty good right now.

In fact, I heard that recently he bought an island shaped like a doughnut hole.

You mean shaped like an island?

Have you noticed how not one customer has come in here the entire time we've been talking? You need to sponsor this team, Jake.

You need some more business in here.

If I give you all this money, you can guarantee that Smoot's gonna win?

We've got Little Debbie now, dude.

This sh*t is a lock. Trust me.

Okay. I'll do it. Deadwood shake on it?

Deadwood shake on it.

Oh, dude. Is this blood or marinara sauce?

Maybe both. Wash your hands.

Ugh! Don't look at me.

I'm gonna call your dad.

Okay, Lady Tariffs. In the days leading up to this big game, there are gonna be a lot of distractions out there, okay?

A lot of things competing for your attent...

Oh! Nickel! Free nickel!

Beep, beep!

Aah.

Let's move it, ladies.

Ha ha!

Girls, some of you may know Mr. Shoemaker from being yelled at.

Yeah, well, not anymore, because I am your new Assistant Coach.

And I took the liberty of doing a little of what I like to call "belichicking."

Did some surveillance on the Our Lady of Eternal Suffering Penguins, and i...

What's wrong with their penguins?

No, the penguins are fine. The lady is suffering.

What's wrong with their lady?

She's Catholic. Let it go.

All right. Now, I did some surveillance, and I caught them doing... This!

Let's see what they're doing there.

What is this?!

Did you go spy on their practice.

Well, I told you I did surveill All right. Well...

No one is interested in seeing this part, so...

I'm very interested in it, Mr. Shoemaker.

I'm not gonna use this for anything sexual.

I just want to film these girls so I can use it to expose them and then b*at them.

[Laughing]

Can you believe that? What is that?

Let's turn this off. I've seen enough.

Coach Fairbell, um... I just wanted to say, on behalf of a lot of people, we are very proud and grateful for how well you've done with these girls this season...

Thank you.

Getting them this far.

But the PTA agrees that it's time for a change...

In leadership. Uh, this is actually very difficult to say, but we've decided to hire Coach Namalana... Nam... N-nalanana... N-nalanana Mana...

Ma... Ni... Mcscrat... Namber Hallix.

Well, look, I did say it's very difficult to say.

The Colorado volleyball legend Nahana Manhallana?

Yes. So, because of that, we actually have to...

Ask you to step down.

[Indistinct conversation]

[Girls whispering indistinctly]

From where?

♪

[Whistle blows]

Let's hustle! Come on, now!

Hustle!

H-u-s-t-l-e! Let's hustle it up!

What was our agreement?!

Watching in silence.

Minimal hand gestures.

This is your final warning.

I was kind of looking forward to being Assistant Coach.

You know, I've been watching the videos on this guy named Bobby Knight. Have you ever seen him?

He's amazing! He got paid millions of dollars to just chuck chairs at people.

Come on! Step in, Beth!

Step in!

Step in, Beth!

Spike it!

Spike it up! Or under!

What are we doing?! Seriously, how is this game played?

[Whistle blows]

I have had it with you two clowns.

I am done. Get the hell out of my gym!

If I had a chair, I'd chuck it!

Get out!

Well, isn't that convenient?!

Lady Tariffs, I'm still really proud of what we did this season, okay? But I want you to listen to what Coach Manhallana has to say. She's your new leader now.

I don't want to you to forget our motto...

"Bump... Set... And smile."

Hey. Why don't you leave the pep talks to me, there.

Okay, Coach Baby Dunce?

That's hurtful.

Where do you think you're going, missy?

I only play for Coach Baby Dunce.

I found this one in the janitor's closet.

Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay No, Steve.

For the last time, it's pronounced "Topps" Bar, okay?

Get your head out of the gutter, dude.

What's wrong with you?

What's this sh*t that I hear about Little Debbie not playing in the game?

Hey, everybody, look! It's a celebrity...

My cousin Uncle Jake!

Hi, guys. Jake's pizza.

I actually can't be in the same room with him due to pending litigation.

It says on the side of the box, very clearly...

It says, "shellfish and poultry may be undercooked."

What's confusing about that?

I gave his parents several opportunities...

I know you did...

To settle.

I don't like your dad!

Yes. Nobody likes his dad.

Yeah!

[Shouts indistinctly]

You can't yell at the kids like that, Jake.

What's so important you had to come down to the school?

I overheard some chuckleheads talking at the shop.

They were saying that Little Debbie is out of the tournament. She won't play for anybody who isn't her old coach.

Wait. Fairbell?

Yeah. If Little Debbie doesn't play, then Smoot loses, and then... I will be the laughingstock of the pizza community.

Jake, you already are the laughingstock of the pizza community.

Who's been talking? Little Caesar?

It's this f*cking Papa John's?

Relax, okay?

I'll get Little Debbie playing again.

Just calm down. You better, 'cause if you don't, you can take those sweet little round lips and you can kiss that finder's fee goodbye.

Kiss... take my lips and Kiss it?

Take it back down into my pocket.

That's the dis you want to go with?

That's really impressive, Jake.

Understand that you won't get the $500.

Get that?

Yeah, I've got it.

Tell your dad to call my dad about Rockies tickets.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

Okay.

♪

Oh.

Mr. Uncle Jake?

Uh, I, uh, couldn't help but overhear your conversation, and Look, if you want to fill out an application, then you'll get a job, but this is not how it's done Not in the pizza community.

Oh. Well, actually, I'm here to offer you an exciting opportunity.

What do people think about when they think about Uncle Jake's?

Diarrhea.

Okay. Uh, well, I thought you might say, "pizza," and then I was going to say, "what if they thought about pizza and reading?"

Yeah, but I already have something going with Loren.

He's my image consultant.

Oh, but Loren?

I mean, is that really a good choice for an image consultant?

Yeah. He dresses dope as hell, dude.

He gave me my first Nautica shirt.

You know, I have actually always thought that you look superdope.

[Chuckles]

You're much doper than Loren.

Really?

Yeah, really. But, you know, I'm just like a stupid girl who likes monster energy drinks and, like, watching videos of animals having sex.

Both of those things are in my Tinder profile.

Wow! That is surprising that you would like those things.

Yeah. Anyway, what do you think about starting a literacy campaign with me?

All right. Deadwood shake on it?

Sure. Oh.

You didn't get any on it.

How'd you find me?

This is where we met, remember? You were wandering around, tearing up aluminum cans. The fish and game department wanted to tranquilize you. I said, "no! Let me talk to her."

Yeah. I remember that.

What are you doing here, Coach?

Little Debbie, did you ever read the book "big girl plays volleyball"?

No. Sounds like it would be right up my alley, though.

Well, it's about a girl who's bigger than all the other girls, who did most of her talking with monster spikes and once pushed a girl through the bleachers while diving after a ball.

I did that!

Then there was a coaching change, and she stopped playing and ran away.

That sure sounds like me.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

You're right. That's... Not a book at all.

I've just been... Describing what's been happening in real life up to this exact moment.

[Chuckles]

That's funny.

Anyways, I-I think you should go back and play for Coach Manhallana for yourself.

Okay, but I'm going back for you.

For yourself.

No, just for you.

Wait! Wait! No! No!

Ohhh! My hip screws! Ugh!

And we're back at the volleyball championships, and thanks to Little Debbie, the Smoot Tariffs have won the first set out of three against the Our Lady of Eternal Suffering Penguins.

Now, why do you think those penguins are suffering, Tam-Tam?

Probably 'cause of that ass-whipping Debbie handed down.

[Laughing]

Oh, that is a little salty.

And, speaking of ass-whipping...

Oh, look at that!

There is Terry the Tariff, our school mascot, now.

Go, Terry!

[Laughs]

Aw, damn. They done broke out the shanks.

Well, remember that they're children, Tammy.

Hey!

Get your little asses back here!

Little Debbie!

Good to see you enjoying that pizza web.

You might want to slow down a little bit, okay?

You still have a lot of running left to do.

All right. Eat responsibly, Debbie.

Well, what do you say, cousin Uncle Jake?

Packed house, little Debbie's back out on the court.

I think it's time to start talking about that finder's fee.

Yeah, about that, cuz... It ain't happening anymore.

I'm going a different direction with the image and branding... a direction that's free.

What?

Hey, bud!

Hey, yeah.

Hey, Jake tell you we're partners in a literacy campaign?

Yeah. We're gonna make reading the dope-ass way to learn sh*t.

Yeah!

What?! That's crazy!

Right. Check this out.

Dun dun dun dun dun-dun! Hey, what the sh*t Jake?

I even came up with your speech bubble on my own.

It says, "Get illiterate with every bite!"

That's what you wanted illiteracy campaign.

No, I said I want a literacy campaign.

This is encouraging kids not to read.

Well, I'm gonna encourage you not to mumble.

This is the new direction you guys are going in?

This is well worth the $500.

Shut up, Loren.

Maybe... maybe they won't notice.

I mean, 30% of them can't read anyway.

Yeah, 30% and climbing, now that the kids get illiterate with every bite, thanks to you, Librarian.

What say you and I go back to the, uh, parking lot, in my car, for a hard-core fingering sesh?

Uh, yeah.

I'll totally meet you there if you can just spell "Fingering Session."

Easy. F-i-n-j-g-a...

Shut up.

I got I got locked up 'cause I had to say it so fast!

You almost had it, dude.

Were you going like this behind me?

Yeah, like, the whole time.

Dope.

[Buzzer sounds]

[Cheers and applause]

[Whistle blows]

Boom!

If Little Debbie can keep this up, then those suffering penguins will have suffered their last indignity.

All right! Let's go, Debbie! Let's go!

Bring it home for mama, 'cause I'm... we... we are all about to win the State Championship! Bring it home, baby!

That's... God.

Uh-oh.

Looks like little Debbie's getting queasy.

[Retches]

[Crowd groans]

Time!

[Whistle blows, buzzer sounds]

Little Deb, come back! Beth, go check on how she's doing, please... While we're young.

Let's go.

Uh, looks like Coach Malakanananana is gonna send someone in to check on Little Debbie. God, I hope she's okay.

Doubt it. I saw her scarfing down some Uncle Jake's a little earlier, and I said to her, "girl, you have got to respect yourself more."

Told you.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Beth, you're in.

Substitution!

Me?

[Whistle blows]

Yes. Let's go, dear.

Looks like Beth is gonna get her first action since getting some action five months ago.

[Heroic music playing]

Aah!

[Crowd groans]

Ohh! Ohh.

[Whistle blows]

[Music continues]

[Crowd groans]

[Whistle blows]

[Whistle blowing]

No! Aah!

Come on, tariffs!

[Music continues]

Got it! Got it! Got it, got it, got it!

No! Ohh sh*t.

[Buzzer sounds]

[Music stops]

We're all tied up here at the State Championship, and we're down to a Little Debbie-less set 3... winner take all.

Coach Manhallana, is there any word on Little Debbie?

Yeah. I quit.

Well, that's the Smoot spirit right there.

Did you just see that last set? It was a god damn slaughter.

So you're quitting?

I will not have this loss on my record.

[Crowd booing]

[Heroic music resumes]

Well, I will.

Were you wearing two shirts the whole time?

In an unforeseen turn of events, Coach Malawalalala...

Whatever her name is... she abandoned the girls after losing set 2. However, there is still a ray of hope, because Coach Fairbell is back at the helm!

This is your chance to show everybody that you aren't Coach Baby Dunce.

Do you remember that baby?

It was all, "wa-a-a-a-h!" Aaah! Aaah!

Listen. Listen. I need you to focus right now, Okay? Listen, I can't even believe that I'm gonna say this right now, but I think what these girls need is an inspirational speech from their coach.

Speech? I didn't... I didn't write a speech.

It's easy. Think of every cliché sports movie you've ever seen in your life.

Done. Okay.

Now All you got to do is tell them why they won't win and then tell them why they will. That I can do.

Don't touch me.

All right, Lady Tariffs!

Huddle up! Inspirational-speech time!

Look, I know we're down, okay? And I'm gonna be blunt.

Little Debbie is the only reason we're even in this dance, 'cause we've always been losers. And we're losers today.

If I was gonna bet on it, we'd be losers tomorrow.

[Whistle blows]

Okay, Smoot!

But, uh... time to hit the court!

[Buzzer sounds]

What the hell was that?!

You just called them all losers and then sent them back out on the court!

I didn't have time to get to the inspirational part. Time-out. Time-out.

[Whistle blows]

Whoa! What are you doing?

I'm fixing it!

[Buzzer sounds]

Huddle up, Lady Tariffs! Let's go!

Wow. Coach Fairbell, burning the first of his two time-outs right out of the gate there. Anybody want a drink of water, orange slices before we start?

Coach, we only have 30 seconds!

Oh, yeah. Okay. Good call, Beth.

Okay. Let me just recap. Little Debbie's out.

We're "f'd" in the "b" without her.

I'm a lifetime loser. You've All been losers since I've known you. If there's one thing that gives me hope...

[Whistle blows]

Time-out's over!

Oh, my god.

Back on the court!

No, no, no!

Way to go, Coach Baby Dunce.

Time-out! Time-out!

Oh, my god.

[Whistle blows]

Bring it in!

[Buzzer sounds]

Oh, my god.

Okay. Here we go.

Lady Tariffs, despite all of the challenges that we've overcome this season and the mysterious illness that has knocked Little Debbie out of this game, I have every confidence that we can win, because when I look around, all I see is winners.

You're all winners!

We have some time left, I guess, if anybody else wants to say anything.

You used our time-outs to tell them that they're all winners?

That's a positive takeaway.

I could have yelled that from the chairs.

[Whistle blows]

You're all winners!

Back on the court!

You're all winners!

Only a miracle could save us now.

[Rock music playing]

[Cheers and applause]

Holy crap! That's Little Debbie!

It is!

Oh-ho-ho!

Whoo! Yeah!

Let's do this.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

[Laughing]

Oh, my god!

Debbie! Debbie!

[Music continues]

[Cheers and applause continue]

Ah-ha-ha!

What?!

Hey, Coach. I was just pretending sick 'cause I knew Coach Mahaha would quit.

Now we can win this game together.

Yes! Yes!

I'd like to make a substitution.

You can only do that on time-outs, and you're out of time-outs.

[Crowd groans]

Well, isn't that convenient?! You know why you're wearing white and black?! 'Cause you're a criminal!

Oh, you want to chest-bump me?! You want to try the big stick?!

You want to go?!

[Whistle blows]

[Shouting indistinctly]

[Crowd groans]

[Whistle blowing]

Ohh!

That's it! You're ejected!

I eject you!

You're ejected!

You're ejected!

Get out of here!

Oh, are you late for your shift at lady footlocker?!

Get out!

What are you laughing at?!

[Shouting indistinctly]

Hey!

[Whistle blowing]

Looks like Little Debbie's back but she can't get in the game.

Shoemaker's tossing sh*t and Terry just went down.

Are you getting what you came for?

Are you not entertained?!

Come on!

Think we're gonna lose, Coach.

[Sweeping orchestral music plays]

Don't worry. I gave those girls a movie speech.

We can't lose.

[Buzzer sounds]

You know, those speeches work a lot better in the movies.

It's okay, Coach.

I'd rather lose for you than win for somebody else.

Yeah. Me, too.

Thanks.

[Moaning]

Terry, you're so dumb.

[Moaning]

Well, I guess Coach Baby Dunce couldn't pull it off after all.

But I mean, is anybody actually surprised?

Looks like baby made poopy!

On the bright side though Smoot now has a new official pizza thanks to Abbey Logan's illeteracy campaign And she is not taking her newfound fame very well.

She forgot to put an underwear.

Somebody is a natural redhead.

[Laughs]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, Chen!

You and these little perverts are gonna shut this f*cking thing now.

Don't be scared.

Eddie take a picture.

I'm gonna m*rder you.

Aah, Aah!

I'm gonna m*rder you!