02x05 - White Guilt Trip

[bunniefuu]

Yay!

So happy that you guys are all here today, especially the media.

Stop sucking up.

Quit stalling. Where are the LaMar's Donuts?

At the end.

[Sighs]

I'd like to introduce a new section of our library dedicated to the history of Smoot High.

[Chuckles]

Okay, here I go.

Chugga-chugga-chugga chugga-chugga-chugga Chugga-chugga-chugga chugga-chugga-chugga.

Smoot High!

I call it "The Smootsonian."

[Sighs]

Because it's, like, cute.

It's like The Smithsonian, but it's a...

Oh.

[Laughs loudly]

Thank you, Fairbell.

He's not laughing at you.

He read a "Marmaduke" earlier, and it's just catching up with him.

It's like, "Who's walking who?"

He's, like, a horse.

Yeah, okay, we get it.

Anyway, I found all this stuff in our basement.

Can you believe that?

Including these slides.

Lights, please.

Here we go!

Okay, this is what our school used to look like.

It says, "The School." Isn't that adorable?

[Chuckles]

Uh, this is our founder and first principal, John "Big Whiskey" Chandler.

It was under his tutelage that we became an athletic powerhouse.

What?

So we weren't always the Fighting Tariffs.

At one point, we were the...

"Rappin'" Apaches.

_

Isn't that cool? Wicka-wicka-wicka?

Hey, Abbey, shouldn't "rappin'" have two P's in it?

Wicka-wicka-wha?

[Laughing] Holy [bleep]

Wow.

We were the Smoot High Raping Apaches?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Wow!

That's all right.

The show is over.

It's still on you.

Oh, what.

Eddie, it's your sixth year here. No one's impressed.

♪♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

[Groans]

The Rapin' Apaches.

Who even names a team that?

Right, Rod, 'cause no team in history has never had a r*cist mascot.

Not like the Atlanta Braves or the Washington Redskins or the Cleveland Indians.

No, I meant cause the plural of Apache is just Apache.

But yeah, whatever you're saying, man.

What's going on, guys?

Oh, my God.

You smell like a Subway sandwich shop at noon.

Delicious.

For?

They mean yeast. You brewing, Loren?

No. What... Rod, come on!

Brewing beer at school's illegal.

[Laughs]

I would never do that.

Hey, remember how Abbey's r*cist?

Wait, I am not r*cist!

I love Native Americans.

I didn't create the Raping Apaches. I just found it.

Excuse me, could you please watch your language around the baby?

I'm sorry.

God, have I told you how much I hate flour baby week?

It's not flour baby week.

It's "It Takes a Village With Flour Babies" week.

Plus, it's important that I teach my health kids about being nurturing parents.

Isn't that right, Geremy?

[High-pitched voice] That's right, daddy.

[Normal voice] Oop. Little burp?

Uh, what kind of name is Geremy?

It's a combination of my two favorite names...

Gary and Geremy.

Well, word's out.

Now libtard bloggers everywhere are all up in arms about this Apache nonsense.

There it is. You know what, Cattie?

These libtard bloggers, they have a right to be upset!

More and more voices are silenced every day by the entitled white man!

Shoemaker is right.

You know, when I was growing up...

Tammy, I'm talking.

You know, we have to work harder as a people to be more responsive to the voices of our oppressed brothers and sisters.

You know, sometimes I feel invisible, too?

Again with the interrupting. God!

Well, great. I lost my train of thought.

Tammy Sherman, everyone.

Well, anyway, seems the school board had a pow-wow about all the negative publicity and are demanding we bring in a group of Native American kids for the day.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Native American kids are coming here to Smoot?

Yeah, some B.S. photo-op where we bring the kids in, they smile, we take pictures, blah-blah-blah, wah-wah-wah, we're not r*cist anymore.

Are you kidding?

I've been preparing for this my whole life.

What are they? Are they Kiowa, Paiute, Shoshone?

No, no, no. Don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

Well I'll be damned. You're not entirely useless!

What do you say you become our liaison to Native American Affairs?

I would be honored.

God, this could usher in a new era of tolerance!

Just take some pictures and make us look good while I visit this dang reservation school.

Another dumbass demand by the district.

[Chuckles]

Oh, and by the way, the, uh, library will be closed, uh, until further notice.

Wait. Wh... wh-wh-why? why?

Thank God.

Well, apparently, our library is where all the Smoot skeletons are buried.

Yeah.

[Groans]

Cattie, real quick, I'd like to talk to you about some changes to the parking lot.

[Cellphone alarm sounds]

Oh, that's just, um, my reminder that I have to get to class.

Nothing to do with brewing. [Laughs nervously]

Hey, go Rapin' Apaches! Huh?

Shh.

Sorry, Geremy.

You know, Fairbell, the library's closed, and I don't have anything to do.

And I used to be a doula, so...

Congrats.

Well, I was actually talking about maybe helping you with your class.

Oh, yeah, sure.

But first, you got to change Geremy's poopy diaper.

[Thump]

Ohh!

[Whispering] Don't worry. It's just a Mr. Goodbar.

♪♪

Himalayan sea salt.

[Liquid bubbling]

A little rose water.

And just a pinch of ancho chili.

[Bleep] What?

Hey, Don Michelob.

I know what you're doing.

Yeah.

And you're doing it wrong.

You know what, Rod?

When I need a consultation on a 30 rack of Natty Light, you'll be my first call.

But I'm actually working on something above your pay grade.

Let me guess... amber head, tinny after taste?

How'd you know that?

Are you a brewer?

Was. My passion now is distilling creme de menthe.

Crème de menthe?

Can't you just buy that for like $12 a bottle?

I make it for $11.50.

Although I've been b*rned before.

Literally.

The combustion point of crème de menthe is 88 degrees Fahrenheit.

88? That's like a warm spring day.

Yeah.

That's why it's the most dangerous of all the aperitifs.

That's why nobody makes it anymore.

Oh, I thought it was because it tastes like elf [bleep]

Well, I can see my help here isn't wanted.

No, no, no, Rod, I'm just joking around.

You gotta help me, dude. I am so close to perfecting this.

Come on.

All right. I'll help you.

Yes!

But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this the right way.

Okay.

Yeah.

What are you looking at?

[School bell rings]

Hello. My eyes are up here.

Thank you.

All right, now my mom always taught me that if you want to get a baby to breastfeed, sweeten the spout with a little sugar.

Of course, sugar will gum up the works, so you just pop these in the dishwasher.

Just like Mom used to make.

Okay, I think I'm gonna stop you there.

Uh, do not put your breasts in the dishwasher, and you don't have to trick babies with sugar.

Breastfeeding is the most natural impulse that they have.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Why?

I've been teaching this class for seven years, so I think I know a little bit more about how breasts work.

Thanks for trying.

As a woman who's had actual breasts for... nine years, I think that I'm a little more qualified to talk about them.

[Laughs]

I mean, have I actually breastfed a baby? No.

But, you know, sometimes the timing is not right, no matter how much Tom's mom wants you to have a kid. [Chuckles]

So you sneak off during Thanksgiving dinner and you go to the Rite Aid and buy a Plan B pill.

But Tom has an actual family now.

I know that from Facebook!

But I'm happy for him. I'm very happy for him.

Okay, thanks, Abbey, for oversharing that super-sad story.

We're gonna go to lunch.

When we get back, we're gonna start our village.

Get ready to be parents.

Who doesn't love babies!

[Laughs]

I know [bleep] Tom does!

Language.

This is gonna be fun!

♪♪

Move out of the way, Dawn!

[Laughs]

Yes! Friends.

Welcome to Smoot.

Oh, this is great. Come on, gather in.

Hi. My name is William Shoemaker.

But you can call me Billiam.

[Chuckles]

Anyway, welcome to Smoot.

And what is your name?

Whoa, man. Todd.

Oh. You don't have to use your Anglo oppressors' name here, okay?

You feel free to use your First Nation name.

First Nation? Oh, you mean like the bank?

Oh, they just call me Todd there.

No. No, your tribal name.

Ohh, right. My tribal name.

It's, um... Stands Before assh*le.

[Laughter]

[Fake laughing]

That... That's funny.

Humor is rich amongst your people.

I see now.

But then it would have to be given all that you've endured.

Yeah.

Well, nice to meet you, Stands.

Your long, arduous journey ends right here.

Okay. Where's your lunch room at?

Yeah. God, of course, you must be famished.

Please, this way. I've got a surprise prepared for you.

[Chuckles] This guy's oozing white guilt.

I know. This is gonna be hilarious.

♪♪

Aw, sweet, pizza.

What? Please.

As if I would ever disgrace your ancestry by serving you something as vulgar as pizza.

No, in here, you will eat as your ancestors ate.

And our harvest has been bountiful.

Of course, today, we will dine on fresh fruit, some rice, pinyones, and my personal favorite, crow.

Crow?!

Yeah, we just want pizza, dude.

Well, see, that's just the brainwashing talking.

Shoemaker.

Tammy! With the interrupting again.

Can't you see I'm busy trying to rectify our nation's greatest racial injustice?

Anyway...

Shoemaker, come here.

Please, have a seat.

I'll be right back with you in one moment.

What is it, Tammy?

I think you're missing the point of your job right now.

This is a photo-op.

Just make these kids happy.

If they want pizza, you give them pizza.

Save the P.C. political [bleep] for Facebook!

You know what, Tammy?

One of these days, you're gonna know what it's like to have someone treat you differently.

And on that day, I hope there's someone to stand up for you.

I really do.

Okay. We're all gonna have pizza.

Because the establishment wants you to have it, so there you go.

Wha...

What the [bleep] Shoemaker?

Hey, that's Geremy's lunch.

Yeah, Mr. Shoemaker. Where your manners at?

You know, where are your...

I apologize, Debbie. I did not see you sitting there.

You go ahead and enjoy. Abbondanza.

What am I supposed to feed my baby?

Well, now that nonsense is out of the way, what do you want to do after lunch, huh?

Uh, perhaps a little nature walk?

Maybe some traditional hand game or something?

How about some b-ball?

Basketball. A white man's sport, of course.

Well, fine, we'll play that.

But, uh, I will be having crow.

A little more gamey than I thought it would be.

[Gags]

Ew.

Yeah, okay, this one ate a cigarette butt.

The old Jack shack.

Mmm. You smell that?

Yeah, it smells like you, Rod. A million tiny yous.

We did have some fun in here, didn't we boys?

[Chuckles]

We did. But listen, self-pleasuring aside, we moved in here because the terroir is perfect.

It's the windiest spot on campus.

The humidity is prime for brewing.

My God, Rod, that's incredible.

I'm getting, like, juniper, just a hint of pine needles.

Is that the gloss from a Hustler centerfold?

[Chuckles]

The taste of the land.

Dude, it's really good stuff.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Couldn't help but notice, you don't have a sign, and this shack seems repurposed.

Is this a craft brewery?

Hey, buddy, this is a private...

Yeah, I hadn't heard of it, so I assume it's the new hot spot.

Rod, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. $15 a beer.

[Scoffs] $20.

You bet your ass it's the new hotspot.

All right.

Why don't you saddle up to the bar, freelance graphic designer.

You got it, man.

And for God's sakes, don't tell anybody about this, all right?

Deal.

[School bell ringing]

Why am I the one that always has to diaper the baby?

Good job standing up for yourself, Little Debbie.

Remember, it takes a village.

It's all about sharing and caring and working together.

I got you, Coach.

Also, you're the girl, so you have to change the diaper.

What... Don't say that.

You all said that you wanted...

... to play basketball, so let's hoop it up!

Looks like there's a class going on.

That's all right. We'll play around them. Come on.

Shoemaker, we're teaching in here.

Eh, doesn't matter to us.

You, check out this trick sh*t I picked up in Brooklyn.

Ooh.

You k*lled little Little Debbie.

Now, Debbie, technically a basketball did.

Debbie.

No, no, no, no, no.

Shoemaker, look what you've done.

What I've done?

We're using this gym as it was intended.

We were here first!

Uh, actually, Abbey, they were here first.

Oh, you know what I mean, you P.C. n*zi!

Oh, I'm the P.C...

Yeah!

Guys, there's room enough for everyone.

You know, I'm actually beginning to think that there isn't.

But you know where there is?

Out on the football field.

Uh, I don't know. It's really hot out today.

And we have babies.

Mm... see, I wasn't asking you... I was telling you.

Now move to the football field, or I will fill the air with so much flour baby, the water fountains will run white!

I'd like to see you try.

Let's just go.

Fairbell!

Let's go!

Haven't we seen enough flour spilled today?

Ah! Not counting that one.

[Whining]

Daddy, my brain hurts.

[Imitates crying]

First they take our pizza, now they take our gym?!

We have to start standing up for ourselves!

I will fight no more forever.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm not sure. It was on the back of a Prius that ran over my foot this morning.

Let's just get out of here.

Your weakness disgusts me.

Touching combo, guys. I really liked it a lot.

Now, get out!

Everybody, on your feet!

Time to move! Let's pack it up!

You know, I think you're really gonna like the football field.

It's a beautiful, sunny day out there.

You'll get plenty of extra vitamin D.

Well, I could use the extra D.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I forgot.

You love the D, don't you?

Are you really gonna do this now?

Yep. I love the D.

Just... take it on my skin, on my face, wherever I can get it.

Yeah, you can.

Just got your text.

Is he still doing it?

Yeah, it just started.

Oh, thank God.

Fairbell, say you're in like a men's room and there's no D available, do you... drill a hole in the wall and just blindly accept whatever D comes in?

[Scoffs]

Yes. Sounds like a glorious hole.

[Both chuckling]

That is terrific. Thank you for texting me.

You did the right thing.

Not a problem.

I got to go.

All right.

See ya. Chattin' about D.

He's a real go-getter, huh?

[Laughs]

Now get out!

[Bird screeches]

♪♪

[Bird screeches]

We'll get right back to playing basketball, I promise.

But I want you to witness a little payback, huh?

Yeah, that's it. Get on out there.

Pick it up. [Chuckles]

You have finally gone insane.

If you keep biting people like that, they're gonna bite you back.

Yap, yap, yap, yap.

Okay, enough with your empty threats.

The gym doesn't belong to you anymore.

Get out of here. Get out of here!

This seems like an overreaction.

What?

No, this is progress, guys.

Okay? Your days of being told "no" are over.

We should just let them come back to the gym.

No.

Sorry. What's the order again?

Come on, man.

Sniff the rosemary, sip, Marcona almonds, sip again.

Do I have to repeat everything?

God, this is going so well.

So well.

[Chuckles]

It's ridiculous. There you go, sir.

Ooh.

[Groans]

Maybe too well. We're gonna need more space.

Yeah, it's [laughs] definitely time to expand.

[Bleep] I don't know how Shoemaker does this, you know, it gets so sticky.

There you go. A little extra for you.

All right! Gym to ourselves!

What happened to the lights?

Hello?!

[Door closes]

Oh, well the light switch is on the western side of the gym here, so follow me.

Stay close.

[Creaking]

Shh! Stop.

[Thumping]

[Screaming]

It's an ambush!

Abbey: I warned you, Shoemaker!

Abbey, I should've known!

Awesome! Dodge ball in the dark!

They're throwing back the flour at us!

[Chuckles]

They're throwing their babies! These savages!

That's it! I'm calling in the cavalry.

[Screaming]

[Telephone ringing]

Shoemaker, this better be important.

Cattie, it's about our guests.

Sweet [bleep] all you got to do is show 'em a good time!

Well, I'm trying to, but Abbey is throwing babies at us!

I have no idea what that means. Put me on speaker.

Abbey, this is Principal Goodman.

Now, you stop teasing Shoemaker. Do you hear me?

Abbey: Yes.

Yeah, a-and tell her to turn the lights on.

And turn on the damn lights so that tattooed moron don't piss himself.

Okay.

All right, th-thank you, Cattie.

Could have done without that last part, but I appreciate it.

You're welcome. And, Shoemaker?

Yeah?

Do not make me look like an idiot.

Okay.

♪♪

Oh. My apologies.

I hope I did not oppress you time-wise, Principal Kneeling Sun.

It's Nealson.

[Muttering] Dang.

Why wouldn't it be?

♪♪

Let's go, kids.

Yeah, you walk away.

I wouldn't be so proud of this if I were you, you tyrant.

[Laughs] Tyrant. Hardly.

I'm the most liberal person in this district.

Ha! Left unchecked, even liberalism can turn into fascism.

Oh, really? Wow, that's some great insight.

Where did you get that, off the back of a Prius?

Actually, it was on the back of a Kombucha bottle.

Thrown at me from the back of a Prius.

Forget them. So you said you wanted... Whoa!

[Grunts]

Oh, God.

This place is a mess.

You guys want to play football instead?

Wait/ No, we can't.

He just sent everyone to the football field.

Oh, yeah, right.

So now you want to play football.

Come on. Come on, we'll go play some football.

He's gonna do something [bleep] again.

♪♪

I'm friends with the brewer. What's up, bro?

Hello, buddy. Hey.

Great news, Rod.

I just applied for several expansion permits.

[Laughs How did you do that so fast?

Easy, I just used my pop-up pub app.

It allows small business owners like you and I to open prohibitively expensive pubs in impoverished neighborhoods.

Wow, how super specific.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Where did you get it?

It's part of the iGentrify suite of apps.

Like, Go-Go Yoga.

It allows small business owners like you and I to offer prohibitively expensive fitness classes in overweight and impoverished areas.

Like Michigan.

Exactly.

And now I just wait for City Comptroller Teresa Ortega to sign off on this thing, and we are go.

[Cellphone chimes]

There it is.

We're in business, bud.

We're expanding, everybody.

Mm-hmm.

Free round of blood orange IPAs, huh?

[Cheering]

To the future! To the future!

Whoo!

♪♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪

Bad news, Fairbell!

Yeah, you're gonna have to move your kids again.

My kids? What about their kids?

We don't have anywhere else to go.

No. We're not going anywhere.

Well, then I will be forced to do the unthinkable.

Don't touch my son!

[Grunts]

God, your finger's in my ear!

[Grunting]

[Indistinct arguing]

[Whistle blows]

[Chuckles]

Is this your army, huh? A bunch of women and flour babies?

Abbey: And us.

Abbey, I didn't think you'd come.

It takes a village, right, Fairbell?

You know you could get fired for this, Abbey.

Yeah? I'd rather be courageous and fired than a coward and employed!

A librarian? In this job market?

And they call us "braves." [Chuckles]

Come on, guys.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Guys, where are you...

I knew you'd run, Shoemaker!

Really, Abbey?

You want a battle?

Then a battle you shall have.

[Screams]

[All scream]

[Screaming]

♪♪

Pardon me, pardon me.

Whoa.

Sorry, guys, progress coming through.

We were kind of in the middle of something.

Yeah, my beer garden.

What?

Beer garden.

Zoning just came through.

Where you guys are standing is going to be the beetle k*ll pinewood tables.

Did you not see the city council minutes?

Eh.

You guys, there was a public hearing.

It's up to you to take an interest in your local government.

This is on all of you. Anyway, move it along.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, But where are we supposed to go to have our fight?

I don't know. Just don't do it here.

You know what?

Um, I actually kind of like the grittiness of what you have going on right here, so maybe do it nearby.

It'll up the cachet of the brewery.

And don't block our view of the mountains, okay?

Hey, Fairbell, let me borrow that.

Wait, what... what... what do you need it...

[Gasps]

[Crying] Ohh! No!

[Sobbing] Geremy!!

No!!

A hell of a day to live in Colorado, isn't it?

My son!

My son.

♪♪

[Sighs] I'm so sorry.

I'll freeze you and wait for science to catch up.

Look, Fairbell, I don't know how many more times you want me to apologize.

I didn't know you had an emotional attachment to this stupid flour bag.

You don't know what it's like to lose a child and then breathe them in.

[Coughing]

Yeah, well, I think we all know that the moral of the story here is that gentrification wins out every time.

Oh, give me a break.

Or is it that those who know too much about the past are doomed to repeat it?

No, I don't think so.

I think it's that gentrification thing.

Gentrification is such an ugly word.

We prefer the term urban outfitting.

I'd like you to use that.

I call it...

Well, that certainly was a [bleep] show yesterday, huh?

You go out of your way to fit in, and they get all offended when you ask about discount turquoise.

Well, the important thing is we got the photo-op we needed.

And crisis averted. Library's back open.

Oh, yes!

Damn it.

What photo-op?

Oh, that's right.

Mr. Shoemaker, I just want to say thank you for doing such a great job.

Well, you know what? It is about time.

Thank you, Cattie.

Actually, I was the one that took the picture.

It was the only damned thing we needed.

Damn, Tam, you do interrupt a lot.

[Laughter]

Right? I can play.

I can play.

Downtown.

Anyway, there is another crisis on the horizon.

It seems that somebody's running some kind of craft brew pub here on campus.

Anybody got an ear on that?

Uh, I swear it wasn't me.

If I found out who's responsible, bet your bottom dollar, there'll be hell to pay.

Cattie Goodman out. Mm!

It's not illegal, 'cause we're in Nevada.

[Chuckles]

[Cellphone chimes]

[Indistinct conversation]

[Laughter]

Damn it.

Everybody out!

I said out!

If you want to keep your limbs, you better run!

This ship is going down!

♪♪

I do know what it's like to lose a child.